Comic Transcripts

Comic #62: Lost Our Leela
Transcribed by Umbreon

There is a red planet out in space.

VOICE: Behold! A serene planet orbits through space.

A white streak heads for the planet.

VOICE: But, what is this? Danger from afar approaches! Will it kill all thirteen billion inhabitants?

The streak hits with a 'splat'.

VOICE: Oh yeah, baby! You know it!

Bender and Fry stand on the bridge of the ship with straws. The windshield is covered with wads of paper.

BENDER: Woo-hoo! Who's the SPITWAD king? Me, Bender!

FRY: Heh, heh! Good one buddy!

Leela stands behind them wearing a space suit.

LEELA: Just what the hell is going on?!








The ship is flying through a mass of asteroids, heading for a bright light.

LEELA: (inside the ship) We're on an extra-important mission, and you're playing spitball on our windshield?!

FRY: (inside) Actually, they're SPITWADS...

LEELA: I don't care, Fry! I'm tired of babysitting you two!

A spitwad hits her in the face.

LEELA: OW! My good eye! Who did that?

Bender points at her and laughs.

BENDER: Good shot... FRY!

FRY: That wasn't me!

LEELA: If I wanted to be around BABIES all day, I'd settle down and raise kids of my own!

BENDER: You? A MOM? That's rich!

FRY: Yeah, like you could do that.

LEELA: Wh-what do you mean? I'd be a GREAT mother.

FRY: I'm sorry, Leela. You're just not the mom type.

Bender sits in his chair and leans back.

BENDER: Yeah what are you gonna do? Karate chop your homely little rugrats when they get in trouble?

He shoots a spitwad and hits Nibbler.

NIBBLER: AH! Chat ta ooba!

LEELA: That's it! You two are confined to quarters for the rest of the mission.

Fry and Bender head for the door.

BENDER: Psshh! Good luck completing the mission without us!

LEELA: I'll do just fine!

The Professor comes up onscreen.

PROFESSOR: Good news, everyone! I can tell by my GPS--galactic place setting--that you have reached the BROADMORE MAELSTROM ASTEROID FIELD. I hope your ENTIRE CREW is ready for this mission!

LEELA: Oh... uh... sure, Professor. Everything is A-okay.

The Professor points at a map with his finglonger. There's a drawing of the ship, along with a spiral around a blue dot.

PROFESSOR: I need you to fetch the bright blue stone floating in the center of the maelstrom. It's a rare MUXPLUX GEM, one of the most precious stones in the universe. The gem emits great bursts of bubble fusion... perfect for powering everything from space barges to galactic weenie stands. But it's only used in deep space, since AUTHENTIC GRAVITATIONAL FIELDS cause the gem to become unstable. It will pay Planet Express' bills for an entire YEAR... once we hock it at SID'S ORBITING PAWNSHOP!

HERMES: You need to get it to Sid right away! Bill collectors are circling like green snakes in my granny's pineapple pie!

LEELA: (salutes) You can count on me!

PROFESSOR: Of course... you're our stalwart space captain. It's not like you're... oh, I don't know... somebody's mommy!

HERMES: (chuckles) Sweet matriarch of Bismarck! There's an absurd though!

Leela walks away while the Professor laughs.

LEELA: Why is everybody saying that?! I'd be a GREAT mommy if I wanted to!


Leela is climbing up a ladder while Zoidberg sits in the pilot's chair.

LEELA: Okay, Zoidberg, keep the ship steady while I'm out there.

ZOIDBERG: Yes, captain my captain! "Ship's temporary interim copilot, third class!" What an honor for Zoidberg this is! Much more rewarding than foraging for space roaches in the kitchen. Even though those space roaches were going to be Zoidberg's lunch. Oh, I'm so hungry!

LEELA: Stop whining! I'll be right back.

She climbs out the hatch and onto the top of the ship.

LEELA: (humphs) I would make a GREAT mom! What do those lamebrains know?

She grunts and pushes off, jumping from asteroid to asteroid.

LEELA: Dumb Planet Express lunkheads...

Inside, Zoidberg pretends to fly the ship.

ZOIDBERG: Vroom! Vroom! goes Zoidberg, zooming past the other drivers!

He turns and sees a large space roach.

ZOIDBERG: Eh? What's this?

He begins to drool as the roach watches him questioningly.

ZOIDBERG: (dives) Roarawr! Zoidberg's taste buds will have you now!


Leela floats closer to the gem.

LEELA: Ooooh... pretty!

She moves closer and grabs it.

LEELA: I've got you!

On the ship, Zoidberg's coat catches the ship's steering wheel.

ZOIDBERG: I've got you!

His coat yanks on the wheel and the ship speeds off to the right, pulling Leela's line tight.

LEELA: Oh, crab cakes.

She gets pulled along behind the ship, yelling every time she hits an asteroid. Then the cable hits a sharp edge and snaps, leaving Leela drifting unconscious.

Many hours later...

Zoidberg picks at his tendrils with a toothpick as Bender and Fry walk onto the bridge.

ZOIDBERG: Oh, what a feast! Who knew one little space roach would lead Zoidberg back to the whole family?

BENDER: Hey, chumps, we're back!

FRY: Where's Leela?

He looks out the window and sees the broken tether.

FRY: AAAH! Leela's gone! Her safety line's snapped!

Zoidberg runs off crying.

ZOIDBERG: OH, BOO HOO HOO! I'm the worst ship's temporary interim copilot, third class, EVER!

FRY: This is bad, Bender. Leela could be anywhere...

The scene changes to a space station with the sign "Klingon Permanente hospital".

FRY: (caption box) ... anywhere are all!

VOICE: Has the patient regained her memory?

Inside, Leela is in a bed with her head bandaged, two Klingon doctors next to her.

KLINGON #2: No. She has AMNESIA and causes nothing but trouble. She threw a gideon's bop at me!

KLINGON #1: What a female ha'dibah! We must alert the media.

Later, a picture of Leela is up next to a Klingon newscaster. Under him is a banner that reads "... crazy childless female found floating in space..."

Zapp Brannigan is sitting in what seems to be a cabin, watching the news. Instead of his normal uniform, he's wearing a red plaid shirt and no pants.

ZAPP: We meet again, my cyclopean paramour! This time, you WILL be mine! As Gorilla Grodd is my witness, I'll make you MRS. ZAPP BRANNIGAN!


Zapp is in the hospital with his arm around a very confused Leela.

ZAPP: Yep, me and the missus have been together for nigh on ten years now!

LEELA: We have?

A klingon doctor tosses them a chart.

KLINGON: I don't care! Here's her stuff.

And soon again...

Zapp and Leela are standing in front of a run-down cabin in a forest.

ZAPP: Here we are, honey bunches! Our little love shack on the planet BRANNIGAN'S PARADISE!

LEELA: We LIVE in this dump?

ZAPP: Perhaps THESE young fellas will jog your memory! Yo, boys! Your mother is back!

Three robots come out of the cabin. One is Fatbot, one one is small and gold, and the last one is tall and thin.

GOLD ROBOT: Mother is home!


LEELA: I have kids? And they're robots?!

FATBOT: What's for dinner?

Zapp guides Leela into the cabin.

LEELA: This is all so strange.

ZAPP: You're still a bit disoriented. Nothing a little tidying up and cooking won't cure.

The three robots follow them and the tall one punches Fatbot's shoulder.

FATBOT: Ow! Mommy, Bondo hit me!


Fry and Bender are on the ship, with the Professor on-screen.

PROFESSOR: Oh my! This is serious. Very, VERY serious. If Lucy doesn't replace Ricky's award statue, she'll have some 'splainin' to do!

FRY: What does THAT have to do with our rescue mission?

PROFESSOR: Our whaaa...?! Listen, Fry. A Muxplux gem is a very fragile thing. In time, it becomes unstable and causes an explosion so big, not even MR. MOONEY can save you! According to my scanners, the gem is no longer in the maelstrom. Leela must have it with her. And if she's on a planet somewhere... oh, I don't want to think about it! You must find Leela and make sure the gem is in artificial gravity or deep space within FOUR DAYS or... KAPOWIE!... anything inside a HUNDRED MILLION MILES is cosmic dust!

FRY: Don't worry, Professor! I'll find Leela or blow up trying!

BENDER: (belches) And I'LL help by watching from a safe distance!

Day one...

Leela opens her bag and finds the glowing gem.

LEELA: Hmmm. Now, what's that?

She picks it up to get a better look at it.

LEELA: Ooooh... pretty! It seems familiar. I'll ask Zapp about it later.

The next day...

Zapp catches Leela in front of a sink full of dirty dishes.

ZAPP: Now, honey, I know how much you enjoy cleaning house, but you really should be making lunch.

LEELA: I-I guess I lost track of the time... what with all the nonstop roughhousing and breaking of things.

Later, nearly everything is clean while dishes cook on the stove. After that, Zapp and the robots are finishing eating.

ZAPP: Ahh! That was one mighty overdone and underseasoned butt shank. How I've missed your cooking!

BONDO: (throws a fork) Hey, Fat-bot! Here's something from the table you didn't eat!

GOLD ROBOT: Hey! Watch it!

ZAPP: Well, I must get back to work at the big tree... mill... place.

LEELA: Wait! You're not leaving me alone with THEM, are you?

ZAPP: Sorry, my little peach. A lumberjack's job is never done!

Outside, Zapp walks through bushes while speaking into his watch.

ZAPP: Zapp Brannigan calling Kif! Zapp Brannigan calling Kif! Come in, come in.

KIF: (on the watch) I told you, you don't have to repeat everything twice. I hear you just fine.

ZAPP: Kif, I'm going to have to extend my vacation a few days, possibly a month.

KIF: Oh, good! Er... that is... I'm sure a long break is an excellent idea.

Zapp walks further and a man on water skis shows up on a river behind him.

ZAPP: Speaking of breaks... on the day I left, I broke the toilet in the captain's quarters. Clean up the mess, will you?

KIF: Ughhh!

ZAPP: Brannigan out!

He walks into a clearing where a few aliens sit around a table playing cards. One is purple, another is green, and one looks human with striped hair. There's a sign reading 'Club Red Woods planet vacation get - aways recreation center'.

PURPLE ALIEN: It's about time you got here, Brannigan.

GREEN ALIEN: 'Ey, there he is! The Zappster!

ZAPP: Who's ready to lose some money?

On the ship, Fry is flying while Bender is snoring.

FRY: Thanks to this scanning software that the Professor installed on the ship's computer, we can track all the Muxplux gems in existence. We're approaching the first Muxplux signal now.

The ship stops in front of a space resturant called 'Yummy Bunnies'.

CASHIER: Yeah, we've used a Muxplux for years to power the fryers, but I ain't seen a one-eyed lady. Do you want a turnip pie with that?


Day two...

Leela is blasting the robots with a hose.

LEELA: When is the last time someone cleaned the carbon scoring out of your cracks?

BONDO: Ouch!

FATBOT: You're mean!

GOLD ROBOT: How undignified!

Leela takes off Bondo's beanie and begins combing through his hair.

LEELA: You'll thank me for this later. Getting clean is the first step to attracting female robots.

BONDO: Ow! Ow! Ow!

GOLD ROBOT: Girl-bots?!

FATBOT: Oh boy! Oh boy!

She pushes them outside.

LEELA: Go on now, or you'll miss your rocket school bus!

BONDO: Aw! Do I have to?


Leela holds an armful of magazines.

LEELA: Why would anyone need so many Octovian Men's magazines? With all those tentacles, I can't even tell what parts are naughty!

In another room, she finds the robot sitting around a table.

LEELA: You have to do your homework before you go out and play.

FATBOT: I don't wanna do my homework!

GOLD ROBOT: And I want to do ALL of Bondo's homework!

Afterward, the boys are in their room.

LEELA: Clean your room, or it's straight to bed without any booze.


FATBOT: You're mean!

Later that evening...

Zapp returns to the cabin, looking very drunk.

LEELA: I finally got the kids to sleep, and I made you a nice dinner.

ZAPP: No thanks, baby. I had pizza and beer at the... sawed timber lot!

He flops facedown on the bed.

LEELA: Isn't that dangerous?

ZAPP: (hiccoughs) You obviously don't know much about the lumberjacking business.

Laster on Leela is in bed as well, wearing a blue nightgown.

LEELA: Za-app! I've been home for two whole days, and we haven't made love.

ZAPP: (thinking) Uh-oh. What if sex with me brings back her memory? The Zappster is pretty unforgettable. If her memory returns, then she'll remember how much she likes kicking me in the... no, I'd better make up a clever excuse. (out loud) Not tonight, honey, I'm pretty drunk.

He begins to fake snore loudly and Leela lies back, crossing her arms.

The outer space Casbah, a satellite with artificial gravity...

Fry, Zoidberg, and Bender walk down a hallway, following a man dressed in white.

MAN: There is a dancer here who wears a Muxplux jewel in her navel. Just started dancing here. Two drink minimum.

FRY: That doesn't sound like Leela, but it couldn't hurt to check it out.

Later they are sitting in front of a stage, Fry and Zoidberg are wearing space suits. On stage is a tentacled alien.

FRY: Ewww! She’s an Octovian!

ZOIDBERG: I’m no expert, but I think she may be naked!

BENDER: This blows! I can’t even tell what parts are supposed to be sexy.

Day three…

The three robots are sitting at a table and Leela walks up with plates of pancakes.

LEELA: Good morning! I made you rum pancakes, with extra rum!

BONDO: Cool!

FATBOT: Oh boy.

After breakfast, Leela is outside washing windows when the boys come running up chased by a farmer robot carrying a pitchfork.

LEELA: Oh, lord! What now?

FATBOT: MOM! HELP! Farmer Greasespot caught us cutting through his yard.

Leela yells and kicks the robot in the head.

GREASESPOT: OW! But the fat one was eating my tractor!

LEELA: Well, he’s got a disorder, so leave him alone!

The farmer walks off.

LEELA: If anybody’s gonna stick a pitchfork into my kids, it’ll be ME!

BONDO: That was ROCKIN’!

Later that night, the boys are in bed.

GOLD ROBOT: You’re an exquisite example for us all, mother dear.

BONDO: Totally awesome, ma!

LEELA: Why… thank you, boys.


Leela is holding a datapad.

LEELA: “… but the mid-sized spark plug fir JUST RIGHT!” The end.

By the time Zapp gets back to the cabin, Leela is in a nightgown with her hair down.

LEELA: How was work?

ZAPP: Aces, baby, aces. Hey, the cabin looks pretty sweet! See? I told you it wouldn’t take a whole month!

LEELA: Oh, Zapp, you were right about everything! I just couldn’t remember how happy I am here. Our little family is perfect—you, me… and especially the boys! Sweetheart, let’s make one of our own!

ZAPP: (panicking) A… a robot?

LEELA: A baby, Zapp!

He puts his hand on his lower back.

ZAPP: A b-b-BABY? Uh… sorry, sugar doll. Your hunk o’man can’t deliver tonight! It’s my old war wound, remember? That time I heroically fell out of my bunk during maneuvers? *he groans* Damn you, fragile sacroiliac! Well… to bed!

He heads to the bedroom while the gold robot comes out from behind the couch.

GOLD ROBOT: (whispers) Psst! Mother?

LEELA: What are you doing out of bed?

The robot holds up a necklace that has the large gem hanging from it.

LEELA: You made me a necklace? How sweet!

GOLD ROBOT: Bondo found the silver, I made the finding, and Fat-Bot chewed the cord until it was the right length.

LEELA: (hugs him) Thank you! I LOVE it!

At the fashion outlet docking station…

Zoidberg, Fry, and Bender walk into a store.

ZOIDBERG: According to this beeping box with the blinking lights, the next MXYZPTLK is over yonder!

Inside, Fry looks at different rings in a jewelry display case.

ZOIDBERG: Oooh! So pretty it is!

BENDER: Get a load of the price!

FRY: To think, if we were on a planet with gravity that ring could blow us into parts unknown! Hey, jeweler! Is there a one-eyed girl here anywhere?

They look up at the jeweler. He is a large pink alien with a tongue that splits into multiple ends. Each one has a ring on it.

JEWELER: Nope, thorry. Ith juth me!

Day four…

Leela is in the cabin dusting when she sees an overturned picture.

LEELA: Hmmm? Why is this picture lying face down on the dresser?

She picks the frame up. It’s a picture of Zapp in his Doop uniform.

LEELA: And why does this image of Zapp in a uniform fill me with revulsion?

Later… at the rec center…

Zapp is at a table playing cards with his alien friends.

GREEN ALIEN: You’ve got nothing left to raise with, Brannigan! Looks like you’re out of the game.

ZAPP: Not so fast, snotto!

He holds up Leela’s necklace.

ZAPP: I think you’ll find this little beauty is worth a pretty penny.

The man with striped hair gasps. Leela then walks out of the woods holding a lunchbox.

LEELA: Zapp Brannigan! Don’t you DARE gamble away my necklace!

ZAPP: Why, sugarplum! W-what are you doing here?

She takes the necklace, puts it on, then begins to drag Zapp away by his ear.

LEELA: The children told me where to find you.

ZAPP: But, sweetie bumpkin… I can explain everything!

Back in the Planet Express ship, Fry is piloting while Zoidberg reads their course.

ZOIDBERG: We’re approaching the final gem, and it’s on a planet with gravity. If we don’t find it soon things could get VERY dangerous, why not?

FRY: I’ll put ‘er down in that clearing.

Leela continues dragging Zapp.

LEELA: I can’t believe you were playing poker when I thought you were at work.

Further along the path, she passes the ship.

LEELA: What other lies have you told me?

ZAPP: Eh… maybe it would be easier to recount the TRUTHS I told.

LEELA: Isn’t that just like a man?

They get to the cabin and pass Bender, who is calmly smoking a cigar.

LEELA: Hey, Bender.

BENDER: Hey, Leela.

LEELA: Wait a minute! BENDER? Planet Express? I… I’m remembering everything!

She turns and grabs Zapp’s collar, revving up to punch him.

LEELA: Hey! We aren’t married at all!

ZAPP: Er… no, but we ARE friends. Very good friends. Kurt Russell/Goldie Hawn-level friends.

LEELA: Let’s not go OVERBOARD.

She turns to Fry, Zoidberg, Bender.

LEELA: THESE are my friends!

FRY: Leela, I’m so glad we found you! Quick, we need to talk!

She turns back to Zapp.

LEELA: Hey! And what about those robot children?

ZAPP: Eep.

BONDO: We’re sorry, Leela. Y’see, this whole planet is a vacation spot.

GOLD ROBOT: We are actually Mr. Brannigan’s cabana boys.

FATBOT: He made us pretend to be your kids.

LEELA: Well, that really stews my tomatoes! I’ve a good mind to—

FRY: Seriously, Leela, stop talking. That blue gem—

A hand reaches out and grabs the gem, snapping the chain off of Leela’s neck.

VOICE: --is mine! Yoink!


The purple alien that was playing poker at the table sits on a hoverbike holding the necklace, which is now sparking blue energy.

PURPLE ALIEN: Ha ha! Before you even reach your ship, I’ll be a HUNDRED MILLION MILES AWAY! *he turns and flies off* So long, nobodies! Nyah-hah-hah-hah!

FRY: Wait, mister! You don’t understand!

There is a huge explosion from the sky.

FRY: Never mind!

BENDER: (lights a cigar) Okay, let’s go.

Leela tears up as she talks to the robots.

LEELA: Well, I guess this is goodbye. Thanks for showing me I have what it takes to be a good mother!

FATBOT: I’ll miss your pancakes most of all!

She walks over to Zapp.

LEELA: Consider this our annulment agreement. HI-YAH!

She pulls back and kicks him in the crotch, knocking him into the air.

ZAPP: OOF! Duly noted.

Soon, they’re back on the ship and Leela sits in the pilot’s seat.

BENDER: Will you come on already? Let’s move it! Get this bucket of bolts into outer space!

LEELA: SHEESH, Bender, relax. What’s your hurry?

BENDER: Oh, I have my reasons. Hee, hee, hee, hee!

He turns away and opens his chest cabinet, looking at his stolen gems.

LEELA: This was a meaningful adventure! Now I know I have what it takes to be a caring and ATTENTIVE mother.

Back at Planet Express…

Nibbler is walking around the building with a diaper overflowing with balls of dark matter.

NIBBLER: (thinking) Oh dear! If Leela doesn’t change my diaper soon, I may have to go AU NATUREL!

The end