Futurama

Comic Transcripts

Comic #66: The Board Game Games
Transcribed by Umbreon

ERIC ROGERS – SCRIPT

TONE RODGRIGUEZ - PENCILS

DAN DAVIS – INKS

NATHAN HAMILL - COLORS

KAREN BARES - LETTERS

NATHAN KANE – EDITOR

COVER BY: JASON HO, MIKE ROTE, AND NATHAN KANE


Bender sits on a throne made of weapons and the back is made of swords and a few guns. He’s holding a bottle of beer that’s the size of his chest.

BENDER: Heavy is the head that wears the antenna…

The seat is in his and Fry’s apartment. Fry looks over from the table.

FRY: Bender, why are you just SITTING there?! People are gonna be here any minute for game night! Stop loafing in that throne you stole from THE SPACE LANNISTERS and help me put out the möbius-layer dip!

BENDER: Wait, so this is the kind of game night where nobody gets BEHEADED at the end?

FRY: For the last time, no beheadings!

BENDER: BORRRRRING.

FRY: I told you, Bender, in the 20th century we did game nights differently than you do now.

Someone knocks.

FRY: Everyone’s here! Get the keg ready while I welcome our guests!

BENDER: (filling up a cup with beer) Better idea... I’ll pour myself a beer, and you and the other losers bite my shiny, metal ass.

Hermes, LaBarbara, Zoidberg, Amy, Kif, Scuffy, Leela, and the Professor walk in.

FRY: Friends, co-workers, people who got my invitation by accident… welcome to PHILIP J. FRY’S FIRST ANNUAL 20TH CENTURY GAME NIGHT! The fun is just a roll of the dice away!

AMY: Spleesh, I hope this isn’t anything like his “20th century karaoke night” party…

KIF: Or his “20th century stamp collecting” party.

ZOIDBERG: And remember when he hosted his “20th century roller-skating disco prom”?

HERMES: I don't remember YOU being at that party.

ZOIDBERG: You wouldn't. Zoidberg wasn't invited to that party.

LEELA: Here, Fry, I brought you something for your first game night.

She holds up a video game. The cover reads 'Zombie Assassains Creed of Duty 7 Diablo Asylum Prototype 3K13'.

FRY: Thanks Leela, but we don't need any video games tonight, as we will be playing...

He points to a table that has boxes piled on it.

FRY: ... The best BOARD GAMES ever made!

LEELA: (cringes) Oh. GREEAAAAT.

BENDER: (fills up another cup) Hey, meat-pillows, better get drunk now before Fry makes you do lame stuff! Oh, too late!

Later...

Everyone is around the game board with small piles of brightly colored money. The Professor is asleep, Zoidberg is eating his money, while Kif and Amy are on the couch making out.

FRY: C'mon, dice! Show daddy a six, so he can own PUNXSUTAWNEY PLACE! Six! Yes! I'm gonna be a SLUM LORD!

HERMES: C'mon, Fry, just end this misery already! Some of us want to go home!

FRY: Not yet, Hermes. I didn't wake up a thousand years in the future just to lose at my favorite board game ever.

LEELA: Where did you even FIND these games, Fry? You're the only person alive who would even know how to PLAY a board game, let alone OWN one.

FRY: I saw them in the "free" section of "Zlorgslist.com"! They were just giving these games away, all I had to do was go pick them up!

He rolls again.

FRY: Yes! Lucky number seven! That takes me to the finish line... which means, I WIN!

HERMES: Once again, Fry, you've proven you are the master of crap no one has cared about for a thousand years.

Leela points at the dice cup, which is glowing a faint green.

LEELA: Uh... Fry? Is the dice cup supposed to GLOW like that at the end of the game?

FRY: (picks up the cup) Huh? I don't know. Maybe this is an electronic version of the game... y'know, like "Battleship"?

BENDER: SHHH! It's been illegal to say that word out loud since they released the horrible movie of the SAME NAME!

The glow from the cup spreads out further.

LEELA: Fry, put the cup down! You're getting MYSTERY AURA all over you!

The aura solidifies, trapping everyone in a large bubble.

FRY: I'm gonna go out on a limb and say... TOO LATE?!

The crew finds themselves on another world, outside under a dark sky. A blue-skinned alien with two heads stands on a floating platform over their heads.

HEAD #1: Welcome, tributes! You have been transported to the noble land of HASBRONIA by the dice cup of destiny!

HEAD #2: We, the PARKOUR BROTHERS, welcome you!

FRY: Hasbro-nia? Parker brothers?! Those are board game manufacturers from the 20th century!

HEAD #1: Indeed! We modeled our planet's identity and culture after the most popular board games from that time!

HEAD #2: But we know not of your "Parker" brothers, for we are the PARKOUR brothers!

BENDER: Why do they call you the "Parkour" br--

HEAD #1 & 2: Hup!

The Parkour brothers jump onto Bender's head, holding on to his antenna for balance. They then back flip and land back on their platform.

HEAD #1 & 2: Parkour!

BENDER: (lights a cigar) Yep, should've seen that coming.

LEELA: So you weirdos designed your civilization after archaic board games... what does that have to do with us?

HEAD #1: You were sent here by the dice cup of destiny to participate in our annual BOARD GAME GAMES! You shall compete against other tributes to see who is the greatest gamer ever!

Leela turns and notices the other people lined up across from them. Lrrr, Ndnd, the moon farmer, the Borax Kid, Florp the Trisolian, Emperor Nikolai, and Princess Flavia.

NDND: We were playing that ridiculous board game he saw on an episode of "The Wonder Years" and just had to have!

MOON FARMER: I was just a-thievin' from the innards of the Apollo 11 on the moon and "borrowed" a board game one of them astry-nauts left on board.

BORAX KID: And me? I was just on the Feldspar Queen playing in the "World Series of Board Games."

HEAD #1: Yes! You were all participating in board games from the 20th century when the dice cup of destiny teleported you to us for the ultimate board game DEATH MATCH!

The brothers hold up the cup.

HEAD #2: The teleportation was triggered when you rolled a "seven."

Bender and Leela glare at Fry.

FRY: Heh-heh... lucky us, right?

HEAD #1: Now, let us begin... the BOARD GAME GAMES!

FRY: Sooo... we're just playing board games against each other? Sounds easy enough.

HEAD #1: Yes, something like that... but also NOTHING like that at all!

The brothers point to a triangular map. At the points are blue, red, and green areas. The middle is a yellow safe-zone.

HEAD #2: There are three, life-sized game boards that you will each play until completion. The last player standing at the end of the final board will be declared our winner!

AMY: What happens to the players who DON'T finish?

HEAD #2: Oh not much... just a little DISINTEGRATION, nothing to lose sleep over.

HEAD #1: Now, if there are no further questions...

LEELA: (raises her hand) Wait, I have a question!

A trapdoor opens and everyone falls through.

HEAD #1 & 2: ... let the games begin!

Everyone lands on a huge multicolored slide and speeds downward. The Professor is asleep, Lrrr, Scruffy, and Kif are lying on top of each other, and Bender has Nikolai's crown in his hand.

HERMES: SWEET SLIDE OF RIVERSIDE! Look at the green snake's nest you got us tangled up in, Fry!

BENDER: Look, I think I speak for everyone when I say Fry should never be allowed to talk about the 20th century EVER AGAIN. And also be PUNCHED IN THE FACE.

SCRUFFY: Robot speaks the truth. Scruffy's done got SLIDE BURN.

ZOIDBERG: I don't know... a pleasant afternoon of transporting and sliding... there are WORSE ways to spend time with friends!

LEELA: Zoidberg is RIGHT... well, not about the "friends" part, just the "we shouldn't blame Fry" part.

A trapdoor opens and everyone falls into a large pile.

AMY: Splargh!

SCRUFFY: MY MONEY MAKER!

ZOIDBERG: Ugh!

BORAX KID: That'll leave a mark!

FRY: Ow-mm-hm!

LEELA: OOF!

Bender falls in last and lands on Kif.

KIF: Umph!

BENDER: Mmm... squishy.

Leela gets up and brushes herself off. Nikolai snatches his crown back from Bender while still in the pile.

HERMES: So... what was that you were saying about NOT blaming Fry?

LEELA: Well, if we're going to get through this, we have to listen to the ONE PERSON who knows how to play these games... (she points) FRY!

FRY: What up.

NIKOLAI: Listen! Nikolai doesn't take orders, Nikolai GIVES them! Now, here is first order for you peasants--

Large metal game pieces, a car, a hat, and a thimble, fall through the ceiling and land on Nikolai

FRY: Whoa!

LEELA: Everyone take cover! It's raining cars and OTHER HOSEHOLD ITEMS?!

FRY: These are the LIFE-SIZE VERSIONS of the Greedopoly game pieces! It's just like we were playing back at our apartment, only now it's SUPER-SIZED!

More pieces fall, along with two large dice. A wad of cash appears in everyone's hands.

FRY: We each roll the dice to see where we move on the board. The goal is to finish with the most money!

Everyone picks a piece and they line up behind the start line. Fry is in the car, Amy is sitting in the thimble, Hermes is in a wheelbarrow, the Professor is sitting in a top hat, Florp is in a bathtub, Scruffy is sitting on the back of a dog, Leela is in a boot, Zoidberg is in a small shoe, the moon farmer is sitting on top of an iron, Ndnd is on a boat, and Kif is in another thimble. Bender is walking away with his money.

BENDER: Eh, I'm gonna skip the whole "playing" part and just take the cash.

Leela: Huh. Why does that not surprise me?

Fry throws the dice.

FRY: Okay! I rolled a five!

He picks up his car and begins to walk away. Hermes grabs the dice.

FRY: I'll head down the board and start buying properties! Just do what I do, and you'll be fine.

Later...

Fry is leaning back in his car next to a red house on a property spot. Amy hops up in her thimble.

AMY: Splugh! Why can't *gasp* these game pieces *gasp* be JET-PROPELLED?!

FRY: Hello, Amy! Welcome to JERSEY SHORE AVENUE... since I own the property, YOU must pay me $5,275 in rent!

AMY: But I don't have any money left!

FRY: (gets out of his car) How can you ALREADY be out of money?!

AMY: I got my thimble detailed on the way here, and I had this fabulous caviar lunch on Parkland Place and--

She is violent shocked and sparks green. She disappears, leaving a smoking spot on the board.

FRY: They VAPORIZED Amy! That must be how we die if we don't make it to the end!

Leela hops up to the spot.

LEELA: Awww, poor, stupid, slutty Amy.

She immediately keeps hopping.

LEELA: I'd love to stay and not care, but I rolled a twelve, which means now I'm beating YOU!

Fry picks up his car and runs after her.

FRY: Oh no you don't! It's MY turn!

They stop, and Zoidberg comes out of a red house.

ZOIDBERG: Friends, welcome to the ZOIDBERG INN,the only hotel in this game where you're paid to spend time on a property!

FRY: Zoidberg, you're supposed to CHARGE people for stopping on your property, not pay them!

ZOIDBERG: But no one will spend any time with me unless I BRIBE them to.

Zoidberg gets zapped and poofs away.

FRY: Y'know... I don't feel so bad about the whole vaporizing thing this time.

LEELA: I know, right?

Later...

The remaining players are grouped together. The Parkour Brothers are standing at the end of the game.

FRY: There's the finish line! We're all gonna make it!

HEAD #1: Congratulations, money lovers! You all made it to the end... but one of you must be eliminated!

HERMES: How do you determine who that will be?

HEAD #2: Why, it's whoever made the MOST money...

He points at Hermes, whose wheelbarrow is full of cash.

HEAD #1: ... which is YOU!

HERMES: B-b-but I should be rewarded... not punished!

Bender dashes over.

BENDER: Don't worry, Hermes! I'LL save you!

HERMES: What's your plan, Bender?

BENDER: Give me ALL YOUR MONEY! Once I rob you, they have to let you go!

LaBarbara stands between them and Hermes hides behind her.

LABARBARA: Oh, no! You'll get my mon's hard-earned green-snake-backs over MY dead body, ya shifty--

Both Hermes and LaBarbara zapped with green light.

Bender walks off with Hermes' wheelbarrow full of money.

BENDER: CAN DO, sister!

SCRUFFY: So SEVEN tributes remain, mm-hm.

PROFFESSOR: Well, where do we go from here, game boy?

Fry tugs on his collar nervously. A train run by Sal pulls up along some tracks.

LEELA: I think THIS is our ride!

HEAD #2: Yes! Please take your seats as we embark to your next trial.

SAL: All aboardses.

A little later...

The train comes out of a tunnel. The landscape around them is covered in huge lollipop trees, randomly placed cupcakes, a chocolate milk river, and mountains with cherries on top of them.

LEELA: Wow! This place looks delicious!

FRY: Hey, I know what the next game is...

The group gets off the train and begins to walk around.

FRY: It's LOLLIPOPLAND! I'd recognize the game board anywhere... mostly because I tried to EAT IT when I was a kid.

HEAD #1: You are correct, tribute Fry. Welcome to PHASE TWO of the competition!

The Professor begins to wander off.

PROFESSOR: Oh, goody-goody... GUM DROPS!

LEELA: I really hope that brown river has something to do with CHOCOLATE...

HEAD #1: Time to begin your quest, players! And remember, do not be tempted by the candy, for it may be your downfall!

FRY: Okay, listen up guys... For this game, each player draws a card to find out how many spaces forward or backwards they go.

A deck of cards shows up in a pink poof, just like the Greedopoly money did.

LEELA: Let's do this! If we keep WORKING TOGETHER, we ALL just might make it to the end!

The Professor walks up to the group holding a large gum drop with his dentures stuck in it.

PROFESSOR: Yew aww go aweaw wiwwouw we. I'w be wighw wewind yew.

LEELA: Oh, lord.

Later, deep inside Lollipopland...

Leela, Kif, and Fry are on a multicolor path in the middle of a forest made up of candy canes and lolipops.

FRY: Okay, we just need to keep sticking together like the Professor's teeth on that gum drop.

LEELA: Where did Scruffy go? He was only a few spaces ahead of us before we turned the corner into the candy cane forest.

Fry passes a candy house and sees Scruffy inside with a candy woman wearing a pink dress and a peppermint for a head.

SCRUFFY: Scruffy done found himself a SOULMATE here in this land of candy.

FRY: But if you don't finish the game, you'll be VAPORIZED, Scruffy!

CANDY WOMAN: We believe that TRUE LOVE can overcome any obstacle, even death...

Scruffy gets hit with green light and disappears.

CANDY WOMAN: Oh well, it was WORTH A SHOT.

Fry heads down the path and catches up with Kif and Leela.

FRY: It's just the three of us now. We have to beat Lrrr and the Borax Kid to the finish! Quick, Kif! Pick a card before the others catch up to us!

The deck appears and Kif pulls a card out. It shows a red rectangle with a black dot in the center.

KIF: A black dot? What does THIS card mean, Fry?

FRY: It means you're STUCK on this square until you draw another card of the same color... you could be stuck here for the rest of the game!

Leela looks down the path and sees Lrrr and the Borax Kid getting closer.

LEELA: We can't stay here! But we can't leave Kif behind either!

KIF: Yes you CAN!

He begins to stalk toward the two.

KIF: You two finish without me. I'll keep these two busy by getting all AMPHIBIOSAN on their behinds!

FRY: There goes the bravest Amphibi-whosawhatsit I've ever seen.

Lrrr and the Borax Kid grab Kif's arms and legs and stretch his body.

KIF: Don't worry, ehhhnn! guys! ehhhnn! I've got them ehhhhnn! right where I ehhhnn! want them!

LRRR: Amphibiosan short ribs are my FAVORITE!

BORAX KID: And even though I don't have a digestive system, I'll help you pull this little guy apart because violence makes me HAPPY.

Fry draws a card and studies it.

One devoured Kif later...

Fry and Leela make it to the end. On the path is a large candy palace.

HEAD #1: Congratulations, tributes! You are the only two players who have made it to the final level!

FRY: Yeah, speaking of that... you should probably know that Leela and I are going to work together for the rest of the games.

LEELA: We've seen what happens to our friends--and Zoidberg-- when they don't rely on each other.

FRY: Whatever happens, it happens to both of us, for better or for worse.

They hold hands, causing the body of the Parkour brothers begins to scratch its second head.

HEAD #1: Then there really is no reason to continue the game.

BENDER: Sure there is... so I can keep TAKING YOUR MONEY!

He comes out from behind a column, holding a candy cane.

FRY: BENDER?! How are you STILL ALIVE?

BENDER: I dunno. So anyway, back to the whole me-robbing-you thing...

LEELA: There's NO MONEY in Lollipopland!

BENDER: There isn't? Then why would anyone want to play this stupid game?!

Fry and Leela become covered in a green glow.

FRY: Oh no! Not the MYSTERY AURA again!

They end up transported into the middle of a stadium, surrounded by a huge crowd in the stands. The Parkour brothers are standing on their floating platform.

HEAD #1: Welcome back, tributes!

HEAD #2: Since you have chosen to link your fates together, we have no choice but to crown you both... WINNERS OF THE BOARD GAME GAMES!

LEELA: We did it, Fry! We won by sticking together and using teamwork!

FRY: Yeah. It's just too bad everyone else was vaporized along the way.

Bender reaches out and taps Fry's back to get his attention.

BENDER: At least their GHOSTS are here to enjoy your victory.

FRY: Ghosts?

Leela gasps.

Everyone that was in the games are sitting in the stands with the rest of the audience.

ZOIDBERG: Friends, hello! Remember that time we were vaporized while playing the board games together?

AMY: Actually we were TRANSPORTED here to watch the rest of the games with the Hasbronians!

The Professor still has a gumdrop in his mouth.

PROFESSOR: Fwy! Leewa! Wook! I got wy weeth wack!

FRY: So our friends are alive AND we won the game... this doesn't seem to be very life-or-deathy at all.

HEAD #2: That's because you haven't seen what your reward is for "surviving". Let's show them what they've "won!"

A giant monster shows up in the middle of the arena. Its head is a blue brain with Scrabble tiles for teeth, and each of its arms and legs are different colored hippos.

HEAD #1: It is time to feed the MATTEL-OSAURUS!

FRY: Our prize is being eaten by a horrific monster made up of board game parts?!

HEAD #2: It is THE ULTIMATE HONOR!

LEELA: I don't think so! Fry, let's parkour UPSIDE these brothers' heads!

She takes off running, jumps up, grabs the side of the brothers' platform, and flips them off of it.

LEELA: PARKOUR!

HEAD #1: Whoa!

HEAD #2: Whoop!

They land and look back up at the platform.

HEAD #2: That was hardly sporting! It looks as if we'll have to--

One of the Mattel-osaurus' arms chomps down on the brothers. The hippo head on the end smiles and Fry and Leela high five.

FRY/LEELA: YAHTZEE!

An alien that looks like Uncle Pennybacks with pointy ears comes into the arena, adjusting his monocle.

ALIEN: Huh. Well then, I guess THAT happened.

FRY: Eep! Are you still going to try and kill us?

ALIEN: Oh no. We only hold these games to satisfy the hunger of the MATTEL-OSAURUS. You've given us ANOTHER YEAR of peace.

BENDER: Uh, actually shouldn't that be TWO years? I mean, what with the CONJOINED ACTION and all.

ALIEN: By jove, you're RIGHT! We don't have to hold these games for TWO WHOLE YEARS! Thank you, Earth tributes!

BENDER: You heard the man... BENDER IS THE GREATEST!

ALIEN: As a TRUE reward for your help, we shall send you back to Earth to live out the rest of your lives in peace.

Everyone begins to glow green, then disappears. The Mattel-osaurus's left hippo-arm belches and coughs up two skulls.

ALIEN: Ahhh... they were TRULY WORTHY FOES... eh, Mattel-osaurus?

A few seconds later, the group is back in Fry and Bender's apartment.

FRY: We're home!

AMY: And this place is STILL a dump!

FRY: Maybe, but the important thing is we all made it back!

LEELA: Not ALL of us. Someone's missing.

Back on Hasbronia...

Scruffy is sitting in a candy chair with his peppermint girlfriend.

CANDY WOMAN: Oh, Scruffy! Ours is a love that dare not speak its name!

SCRUFFY: Shhh. No need for words. Just LICKS.

CAPTION BOX: Game over

Buddies