Comic Transcripts

Comic #69: Don't Go Taking MyHeart!
Transcribed by dinkdrinker







CAT IN THE HAT: (he has a tongue depressor, and a stethoscope) If you open up and say, 'AAH!' I can tell you why you're feeling blah. I can examine you on a Doctors bed! Or even on a downhill sled!

MOM: Cram it in your RHYME HOLE, you meowing moron! I already told you I'm having CHEST PAINS! Tell me what the crap's wrong with me already! (slaps the Cat in the Hat)

CAT IN THE HAT: OOF! Sorry about the rhyming. I sometimes forget not everyone's a fan. Now then... chest pains, you say? Let me just take a quick look at your chart... oh dear. I'm afraid your heart is so weak that your only option is a complete HEART TRANSPLANT.

MOM: Really? But you said having a heart full of BITTER HATE would extend my life TWICE as long!

CAT IN THE HAT: It HAS! You should have died SEVENTY YEARS ago.

MOM: How long do I have left?

CAT IN THE HAT: It could be seventeen more days or maybe nine plus eight. If you don't find a new heart soon, then Mom will terminate.

MOM: Dearie, I thought we just discussed that rhyming silliness... tsk-tsk-tsk. Now just WHAT as I going to do with you? (she crams his hat down his throat and calls her sons on her eye-phone) Boys, it looks like it's time for mommy to take another trip to 'THE FREEZER'. Meet me at Applied Cryogenics in half an hour!



Outside Applied Cryogenics-

MOM- What took you so long?

LARRY: Sorry, Mother, Walt couldn't find his shoes and then we had to stop for Igner to go number one-and-a-half...

MOM: (slaps the three of them) Enough excuses! I don't have time to waste!




MOM: You see boys... Mommy is sick, my heart is weak, and I can't muster the energy to beat you anymore. You wouldn't want that to be the last time Igo WHOOP UPSIDE YOUR HEADS, right?

LARRY:Uh, well...

WALT: If we're speaking freely...

IGNER: Is this a trick question?

MOM: (slaps them all again) PSYCH! I'll go down SWINGING, you pukes! No let's go inside and retrieve my REPLACEMENT HEART!


TERRY: Hello, Mom! Long time no see! My, how big your boys are getting...

MOM: Cram the small talk, Terry. I'm here to pilfer from my 'SECRET STASH'.

TERRY: I see! And what body part are we replacing today? The hip bone? Another kneecap? A new set of butt cheeks, perhaps?

MOM: I want the GRANDDADDY of them all!

TERRY: You mean... THE HEART?

MOM: Yes! Now take me to my GOLDEN GOOSE!

TERRY: (takes them to a tube) Here it is. Tube number Seven dot one four dash PJF.

MOM: Let's open 'er up and rip that blood pump out!

TERRY/MOM: (open the tube to see it empty) Gasp!

MOM: What the-!? My heart donor is MISSING? Where the hell did he go!?

TERRY: I have nary a clue! I am so GETTING FIRED for this, aren't I?

WALT: Hmm... perhaps he's been thawed out already.

MOM: Larry*, that might be first intelligent thing you've ever said. Tell me Terry, who was SUPPOSED to be in my own private MEAT LOCKER? (* Not sure if a mistake or done on purpose)

TERRY: His... name... is...

Cut to Planet Express- the Professor is handing out an award.

PROFESSOR: 'Ginger pits'. 'Numb nuts'. 'Delivery jerk'. You there... These are just some of the names I've called him over the years because, frankly, I will never address a GROWN MAN by his last name.

FRY: Aw, you can just call me 'Philly J', Professor!

PROFESSOR: (threatens to hit Fry with the award) Shut up, FRY! I'm trying to give you an award, damn it!

FRY: (cowers) Eep!

PROFESSOR: Now then. This year's Planet Express award for ' Biggest heart and Smallest brain' goes to... Fry, can you read to me whose NAME is on this trophy?

FRY: ME! Philly J!

LEELA: Good job, Fry!

BENDER: Yeah, yeah... moving along! Give out the 'BENDER IS GREAT' award, already! I think I have a really good shot at winning it this year... unless Scruffy OUT-BENDER'S me again!

SCRUFFY: You ain't the ONLY ONE who dreams of killin' all humans.

MOM: (walks into the conference room) Mind if dear old Mom interrupts your little ceremony sweeties?

LEELA: Uh-oh.

BENDER: Mommy! (runs up to Mom and hugs her)

PROFESSOR: What are YOU doing here, you diabolical matron of mayhem?

MOM: (hugging Bender) Nice to see you too, Hubert. Still wasting your talents on your pathetic little delivery company?

PROFESSOR: You mean AWARD-WINNING, pathetic little delivery company!

MOM: I just popped into inform your employee, Philip J. Fry, that he is the FIRST EVER recipient of a 'Mom's Friendly Momcorp Internship'.

FRY: Whoa, I won an INTERNSHIP, too!?

LEELA: When did you apply for an internship with Momcorp, Fry?

FRY: I dunno. What IS an 'internship' anyway?

BENDER:It means you don't get paid AND you get to spend EVERY DAY with Mom doing the work she wouldn't even assign to slave-bots! And I'd END YOU if it meant I got the gig instead!

MOM: How sweet! If you'd like, you could tag along with Philip and be an unpaid ROBOT PRODUCT tester.


PROFESSOR: PHILIP? Who in blazes is Philip!? Is he the one with the mop?

MOM: Let's get you to Momcorp, so we can start monitoring your heart-uh, I mean get your PAPERWORK filed!

PROFESSOR: But I haven't given out the 'PROFESSOR OF THE YEAR' award yet!

MOM: Fry is going to play a VERY important part in my continued consumer domination. Doesn't that sound nice, dear?

Fry: The NICEST!

MOM: Don't fret, Hubie, I'll send them back in one piece. (or not!)

ZOIDBERG: (dressed in a pink tutu and leotard) Attention, friends! It's time for the ENTERTAINMENT PORTION of the show to begin! I shall now do an interpretive dance of all of Hermes' insults to me over the past twelve months!


MOM: Philip, I believe you know my three IDIOTS... Larry, Walt, and Igner.

LARRY: (extends his hand to shake Fry's) Hi, I'm Walt...* (?)

MOM: (slaps him) You MALIGNANT MASS! You know that's not how we do introductions!

FRY: Er... how DO we introduce ourselves then?

MOM: Why, you SLAP them 'hello', Philip.

BENDER: Aw, yeah! Time to break out my pillowcase full of door-knobs!

FRY: Umm... how about we just say our names and nod politely?

BENDER: But where's the fun and INTERNAL BLEEDING in that!?

MOM: It's not even been five minutes and ALREADY you're thinking outside of the box! Hiring you might be the BEST DECISION I've ever made! Now boys, this is usually the point that I's slap the MOTHER-LOVING PUKE out of you, but Mommy has things to do. Bender, would you be a dear and punish my sons for me with your delightful door-knob sack? When you're finished, meet us in the PRODUCT TESTING ROOM.

BENDER: (starts swinging a large sack over his head) Yes, Mommy dearest!


MOM: Your job here will mostly consist of getting my coffee, delivering mail, occasionally throat-socking my sons... you know, the USUAL intern work.

FRY: Can do! I still don't know how you chose me though. The last time I made a resume, it was done in invisible ink and glitter.

MOM: And that's EXACTLY the sort of youthful exuberance I'm looking for! (pats Fry on the chest) That and a healthy, HEARTY attitude! Now let's see how your friend is acclimating to HIS new job! (they walk into a room where Wernstrom is with Bender)

BENDER: Yo, Mom, I'm ready to test the hell out of robot stuff! Let's DO this!

WERNSTROM: Indeed, we shall. You'll need to put this BRICK-ABSORBANT DIAPER, first.

BENDER: A diaper? Why do I need one of those?

WERNSTROM: The first product you'll be testing is this ROBOT TASER, and we don't want you making a MESS on the floor. (Bender holds up an 'EEP.' sign like Wile E. Coyote)


MOM: (answers a knocking at the door to her office, as she sips from a flying cup of coffee) Come in!

FRY: (dressed the same as one of Mom's sons) Hi, Mom! I got your fat suit dry-cleaned and plumped, I made your dinner reservations at Elzar's for 7:30, and I organized your highlighters. Is there anything else you need me to do before I leave for the day?

MOM: You have done MORE than enough for your first day. And you look so HANDSOME in that suit!

FRY: I feel more ADULT-Y just wearing it!

MOM: (putting on her fat suit) Now do me a favor when you get home Philip. Keep the excitement to a BARE MINIMUM, okay? Anything that quickens the heart is out of the question, understood?

FRY: Uh... okay. See you tomorrow, Mom!

MOM: (reaching into a pocket) Yes, see you then. (She pulls out a tube of Torgo's Denture putty with a tag that says 'Thanks for picking me! Fry') Awww. What a sweet boy.


LARRY: Good morning, Mother! It's another great day for a hostile takeover or two!

MOM: Clamp your vomit nozzle! Where are Philip and his little robot friend?

WALT: It's Tuesday. The intern is only employed on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays.

MOM: GASP! (pulls out a tablet) We need to get Philip here before that fool Farnsworth sends him on a POTENTIALLY FATAL delivery!I'll just fire up my 'FIND MY PEON' app to make sure he's still on Earth. Crap! We're too late. Activate my personal TELEPORTER. It looks like Philip is...

LEELA: (the ship is being gnawed on by giant rodents) Repeat, we are being attacked by GIANT SPACE MICE! We need help! Can anyone hear this?

FRY: We should have known delivering 500 POUNDS OF CHEESE to a mouse planet was a TRAP! (Mom materializes behind them) What the...!?

LEELA: Mom!? Thank goodness you heard our DISTRESS CALL and teleported here to save us!

MOM: What? Uh, sure, if you say so. Philip, how would you like to be my intern full-time? I'll pay you in 'MOMBUCKS'. They're just like real money if you imagine hard enough and never try to spend them anywhere!

FRY: Wow! How can I say no?

MOM: (Takes Fry by the hand) Let's get back to Earth and safely by my side!

LEELA: WAIT! What about US!?

BENDER: Yeah, Mommy! I'd rather die horribly testing MOM PRODUCTS than inside a mouse's gut!

MOM: What a good robot you are, Bender. Of course I'll save you too! (the three start to teleport away) Don't worry, Leela. I'll send crew REPLACEMENTS for you in one sec!

DANDY JIM: This isn't skid row!

GUS: (holing an old boot on a stick) And we lost the trashcan fire I was usin' to my DINNER-ON-A-STICK!

DANDY JIM: This must be the NEW JOB that kind old lady said she'd give us!

GUS: So we's in space? Whooo-eeeee, this is a mighty fine turn!

LEELA: Hrrrmm...


Fry is seen pouring coffee and presenting Mom with the morning news, licking envelopes, taking multiple phone calls at once (including using his feet), filing files using a jet pack, and duping ans slapping Mom's sons- and getting a thumbs up from her. We later see him standing next to her as she is holding a board meeting.

MOM: ...so thanks to the success of our new robot tester, we have several new products ready for the consumer... including Mom's Friendly Robot DYNAMITE, Robot PEPPER SPRAY, and Robot WATER-BOARD. Thank you, Bender!

BENDER: (dented and bashed in) Man, I wish I wasn't so great.

MOM: (looks at Fry) Now if everyone will excuse us, I just have one more PRIVATE MATTER to discuss with Philip. (she turns to a shocked Walt, Larry, and Igner) Boys, when I say 'everyone', I meant everyone. I need to speak to Fry alone. You three get out!

LARRY: (walking out of the board room with his brothers) What's she going to say?

WALT: Hopefully that Fry should make a WILL because his heart-hoarding days are numbered!

MOM: Philip, I can't thank you enough for all your good work these past few weeks. You've made such a positive impact on me in ways I never dreamed possible.

FRY: I call it the 'WALKING ON SUNSHINE' power of Katrina and The Waves!

MOM: (smiling) You DO love humming that song non-stop. I have a proposition for you, and I hope you take me up on it... (she takes Fry by the hand) dear old Mom won't be around forever, and I'd like to leave my empire in capable hands... YOUR hands. May I adopt you as one of my sons so I can leave Momcorp to you?

FRY: (shocked) I... I don't know what to say!

MOM: You don't have to say anything. Just know this... (she hugs Fry) you've made this old woman very happy! Now, I'm off for a doctor's appointment but think it over while I'm gone. (she leaves the board room and walks past her sons) You can give me your answer when I get back. But I trust you'll make the right decision.

LARRY: Answer to what!?

WALT: Why does Mom have an UPSIDE-DOWN FROWN on her face!? I've never seen her like that before!

LARRY: I don't like the way Mom's acting.

WALT: Larry, I think we need to take matters into our own hands!


CAT IN THE HAT: I haver your test results, oh yes I do! They're here in my hands, I have them, it's true!

MOM: Don't sugar coat it doc. How much time do I have left?

CAT IN THE HAT: Incredible! Your heart is healthier now than it's ever been! You've added at least FIFTY YEARS to your life! It's a rare phenomenon the we in medicine can only describe as 'LOVE'!

MOM: You mean, I'm going to be fine? I don't need that NINCOMPOOP'S heart, anymore? (confused look crosses her face) Right. I guess I can stop ACTING like I enjoy his company. What a... relief.


LARRY: Cured by love? Does this mean you actually LOVE Fry?

MOM: (slaps Larry) I love NOTHING except the sound of your teeth rattling around inside your skull! Now, listen up! I want you boys to REFREEZE Fry in his cryogenic tube, so I know EXACTLY where to find my replacement heart is if I need it again!

WALT: When do you want us to 'take care' of him, mother?

MOM: (turns away so they don't see her cry) Do it now... I don't need to say goodbye.

FRY: Where are we meeting Mom again?

LARRY: At the cryogenics labe where you were frozen all those years!

WALT: She has a surprise for you there... a 'thank you' for all of your hard work!

FRY: Mm-kay. And I have something for her. An answer to a question she asked me earlier.

LARRY: I'm sure she can't wait to hear it.

MOM: (watching them leave, hidden behind a door) Goodbye, Philip. I'll see you when my heart goes in the crapper again in fifty years... give or take.


LARRY: Ah, here's your stop,Fry.

FRY: PLANET EXPRESS!? What are we doing here?

LARRY: (shoving him out of the limo) You're DONE working for Momcorp! It's either this or you go back into the freezer at the cryogenics lab... per mother's instructions!

FRY: She was going to REFREEZE ME? Why?

WALT: The same reason she hired you! She wanted YOUR HEART to replace her old one.

IGNER: But something happened while you worked for mommy, and her heart got all better!

LARRY: She now has another fifty years to live, which means your services are no longer required!

FRY: So you're not going to freeze me!?

WALT: No. We'll tell her you escaped the car and made it here before we could apprehend you.

LARRY: Much better than being HAN SOLO'D again, right?

FRY: Guess so.

IGNER: What was it you wanted us to tell mommy for you anyway?

FRY: You know what? It doesn't matter anymore.

LARRY: And this stays between the four of us FOREVER, or you're dead meat! Understood? We also need that uniform back. Chop chop.

FRY: (undressing on the street) Word up. All yours.

WALT: One last thing, Fry. We noticed you didn't get slapped by Mom... do you think you could give US a tip or two on how to do that?

FRY: Sure! There's ONE THING I think you should try...


MOM: He just opened the door and RAN AWAY!? Are you freaking kidding me!?

LARRY: Mother, we are as upset as you are. He must have sensed something was amiss.

WALT: It was uncanny!

MOM: Well, NOW what am I going to do for a new heart?

LARRY: Don't worry! When Fry least expects it, we'll just kidnap him and throw him back into deep freeze!

IGNER: Until then, there's SOMETHING ELSE we can do to help your heart when it's got a boo-boo, mommy!

MOM: Well, what the pus is that!? (Her sons gather around her and hug her) Stop it! Get away from me! Wh-what are you doing?

LARRY: We're told it's called a 'hug'.

WALT: And that you LIKE them.

IGNER: Mmm... mommy feels like a cold, wrinkly COAT HANGER! Hey, mommy can't slap us when she's hugged!

MOM: I'm going to knock your faces into the NEXT GALAXY as soon as you let me go!

LARRY: Then I guess we'll have to hug you forever... and ever... and ever!