Comic Transcripts

Comic #70: The Devil and Professor F.
Transcribed by dinkdrinker and Umbreon

SCENE: Space. A 'Fly Safely' sign is seen blinking in a construction zone. It is suddenly smashed into by the Planet Express Ship, which then ricochets off of other signs, space stations, construction sites, people...etc.

BENDER: (driving the ship with his feet, not looking where he's going, singing) This space is your space, but mostly my space... this space was made for mostly me, BENDER!








BENDER: (exiting the now trashed ship, buried nose deep into the hangar floor) Bender's back, skin bags! Ya miss me?

PROFESSOR:Good Lord, Bender! The damage you've caused will cost a fortune! I hope your solo delivery was successful, at least!

BENDER: Uh,yeah, about that... I had to DUMP all the cargo when I was surrounded by evil galactic pawnbrokers.

PROFESSOR: Oh, never mind! What difference does it make? We haven't earned a CYGNUS CENT since the crew came down with the blasted COMET COLD! (Walking into Zoidberg's 'clinic',he goes over and checks Cubert's pulse. Everyone is there, sick- coughing, blowing their noses, sweating, etc.)

LEELA: This is worse than the ROCKET PNEUMONIA!


SCRUFFY: Ere comes the dawn, will Scruffy shuck this mortal coil? I reckon so.

ZOIDBERG: (shivering, with his feet in a tub of hot water) Oy! Imagine Zoidberg, a DOCZTOR, getting sick! The IRONY!

HERMES: (rolls over in his cot to confront Zoidberg) Not TOO ironic...since you're the one who GAVE it to all of us, you over-sized scampi!

LEELA: (blows her nose) Can't you help us, Professor?

FRY: Yeah! Somewhere in your big brain, there must be a cure for this!

PROFESSOR: I'm... er... sure you're right!


PROFESSOR: (alone in his lab) Blast it! I've tried and failed to cure that comet cold! I'm past my prime! I've grown TOO OLD and addled to solve this dilemma! Curse this aging brain! Why, I'd SELL MY VERY SOUL to be young again! (suddenly there is a loud crack of thunder, and the Robot Devil shows up, complete with pitchfork, top hat, and cape)

ROBOT DEVIL: well, then... Let's make a DEAL!


ROBOT DEVIL: Oh, don't mind the cape and pitchfork, they're just for show.

PROFESSOR: YOU! What are you doing here?

ROBOT DEVIL: (a book suddenly appears out of thin air in his hands) According to my records, you are willing to trade your SOUL to be young again, is this true?

PROFESSSOR: Well, I... that is...

ROBOT DEVIL: (shows him the book) Come come, Professor! I have it right here in black and white!

PROFESSOR: Well, I guess I did say that... yes.

ROBOT DEVIL: No problem! Making you young again in exchange for your soul would be a... snap! (he snaps the book closed and it disappears) There is, however, just ONE MORE condition. After you are young, you can never PRACTICE SCIENCE ever again! That's right! The choice is loosing your beloved science versus being young again! Choose carefully, because...

PROFESSOR: (grabs a hold of the Robot Devil's arm) YOUTH! I'll take the youth thing!

ROBOT DEVIL: Huh? But I had a WHOLE SPEECH prepared! Really DIG IT IN to make it hard to choose! After all, science is your one true calling!

PROFESSOR: Science schmience! I want to be YOUNG again! So0, are we doing this thing or not? I've already got a FOUNTAIN PEN filled with blood.

ROBOT DEVIL: (rolls eyes, and holds out the contract) All right,all right! Sign at the bottom! And so, the deal is struck!


HERMES: (puking into a bucket) BLARRRGH! My manwich...

PROFESSOR: GOOD NEWS, EVERYONE! (he walks into the clinic with a full head of red hair, and is visibly many decades younger) Guess who's got two thumbs and is young again! THIS GUY! I'm blowing this soda stand and I'm taking my change with me! So long sickos! (everyone stares at him confused as he runs out) Hee hee ha ha ha!

HERMES: What the hell was that?


FRY: (watching the Professor tie a bunch of stuff to the top of a red convertible) Where are you going, Professor?

PROFESSOR: Don't call me that! I'm no longer a man of science! I'm now yong HUBERT FARNSWORTH, who's got it going on.

LEELA: What about our cure?

PROFESSOR: I don't know... bed rest and plenty of fluids, maybe? No more time for chit chat! GOODBYE FOREVER!

HERMES: Sweet bongo of the Congo! Is he leaving for good?

SCRUFFY: Off to distant lands of discovery and adventure! Uh-hmmm.

ROBOT DEVIL: (hiding in a bus stop shelter) You're not fooling me, Farnsworth! Science is in your blood! I'll follow you, and when you break our contract... BWAH HA HA HA! It's straight to robot hell!

SAL: (driving a bus) Hey, Mac! Youz getting' on or not? I gots a schedule to keeps!

ROBOT DEVIL: Yes, yes! Hold your horses!

SCENE- The professor is seen driving down a highway. Suddenly, his vehicle starts making a loud rumbling noise...

BENDER: Hey, what's going on here? (bursts out from under the luggage, sending it scattered all over the highway behind them) Who dares cover me, Bender, with common luggage while I'm asleep in someone's car? Prepare for a BEATING, human! (jumps into the front seat with the Professor) Ha has ha! Nah... I'm just yanking your chain, youngblood. Let's roll!


BENDER: (looks around as they pull into a casino named 'Chance Hand') Whoo, this is a fancy joint! How we gonna BONE these guys, again?

PROFESSOR: We're NOT. Now that my brain is young again, I can remember all the places where I stashed my money... LOTS of money! I'm paying for everything. ( A bus pulls up behind them, labeled 'Gambling Grannies')

OLD LADY: Hee hee hee! Ha ha ha! Oh, Brunhilda, you're so wickedly funny. You've got a little of the DEVIL in you!

ROBOT DEVIL: (in drag) Yes, dearie, I get that a lot!


BENDER: (with the Professor at a roulette table... across from the Robot devil in disguise) This place just keeps getting better! Are you SURE there isn't somebody we can swindle around here?

ROULETTE BOT: Place your bets.

PROFESSOR: Relax Bender. It's all on me. (he shoves a huge stack of chips into place on the table)

BENDER: (Ogling the chips) Ooo-la-la!

ROULETTE BOT: No more bets!

ROBOT DEVIL: Young fellow, you sure bet a lot of money! You didn't rig the table did you?

PROFESSOR: Certainly not! That would be unethical and immoral. What do you take me for, some sort of SCIENTIST?

BENDER: Tell me more of this RIGGING you speak of.

ROULETTE BOT: Red 7, we have a winner! (Shoves all the chips toward the Professor.

PROFESSOR: See, Bender? You don't have to CHEAT to win!

BENDER: (clapping excitedly) Oh boy oh boy oh boy!

PROFESSOR: (gathering up his chips, he addresses the old ladies at the table) Have a good evening, ladies! Why if I were only a hundred years older...RRRRRR!

OLD WOMAN: Tee hee!


PROFESSSOR: (walking into a gym with Bender) Come on, Bender! I want to get my new, youthful body in shape. I'm going to lift these weights, and I need you to spot me. Let's start with two hundred pounds.

BENDER: -Yawn!- No problem, Red.

WEIGHT SET: Switching to two... hundred... pounds.

PROFESSOR: -Ack!- too... heavy!

WEIGHT SET: Two... twenty. (The weights crash down on the Professor's neck)

PROFESSOR: -GAK!- Bender! Bender, where are you!?

WEIGHT SET: Does not compute. Did you mean three hundred?


PROFESSOR: (enters his suite to see Bender in a hot tub with two fembots) Bender! Where did you go?

BENDER: Hey, buddy, you're missing all the fun. These two robot floozies were about to burp the National anthem for me!

FEMBOT: Ha ha ha! Oh, Bender!

PROFESSOR: I spent all day in the infirmary! I'm going to bed, so keep it down!

BENDER: Uh-oh, somebody's a grumpy puppy!

PROFESSOR: (opening the bedroom door) All I want is a little peace and- (he gets mauled by a large cat, and runs back to Bender) Bender! There's a dangerous animal in my room!

BENDER: Yeah, that's my white tiger! I bought her from MR. MAGNIFICO THE MAGICIAN with your money.


ROBOT DEVIL: (now disguised as a stereo-typical magician) Mr. Magnifico, master of magic, at your service! Your robot spends too much of your money. Perhaps you could REPROGRAM him, don't you think?

PROFESSOR: (waving his hand dismissively) Pshht! You WISH!

FEMBOT: (watching Bender pet the tiger) Oh, Bender, you're so brave!

BENDER: Shut up baby, I know it!

TIGER: Grrowl!


LEELA: I'm glad I dfon't have the comet cold anymore!

FRY: Me too! I finally feel well enough to sit down and watch TV.

HERMES: Does anyone knowhow to turn on the central billing computer?

LEELA: No, that was always the Professor's job.

HERMES: Well, I'll think of a solution on my 'thinking seat'.

SCRUFFY: Can't. The central plumbing's not workin' either. Terlit's stopped up!

ZOIDBERG: Help, friends! Help! (everyone runs to the basement where Zoidberg is standing in front of a washing machine in his underwear) The laundry unit is on the fritz! It's turned my jacket PINK! Now NO ONE will respect Zoidberg!

LEELA: (face palms) Oh,Lord! SOMEBODY must be able to figure out how things work around here.

CUBERT: Yes, and that somebody is ME!

LEELA: (walking into the Professor's lab) Cubert?

CUBERT: That's right. As the Professor's heir, son, and CLONE, it makes sense that I take over the business while he's away. From now on, I'M in control! There's going to be some big changes around here!


LEELA: (fighting off mini helicopters) HI-YAH!

FRY: (getting attacked by a hose) -GLUB!-

ZOIDBERG: (being attacked by flying scissors and lazer shooting robot toys) Woo woo woo woo woo!

CUBERT: (cowering) What did I do wrong!? Can anybody tell me!?


BENDER: (walking his tiger through fall foliage and mountain views) So, what's exciting todo around here? Something expensive, I hope!

PROFESSOR: You'll see, Bender.

BENDER: Good! Because the apple picking and the corn maze were real snooze-fests! In fact, it's been a TOTAL DRAG ever since we left Atlantic City! (The Professor leads him into a large round building) Aw, not another spa! Is there a gift shop, at least?

TIGER: Mrrrrowl!

PROFESSOR: Just follow me. (He leads them through the building to a balcony out back)

BENDER: (looks inside a capsule marked 'Relaxing Capsules') Ooh! Roomy!

PROFESSOR: That's right, that's right. Sit down. (Bender and his tiger enter the capsule as the Professor closes it) Stand by, Bender! This will be very, very relaxing... (he sets the controls to 'Re-entry: New New York') for me! (the capsule flies off up into the sky)

TIGER: Mrowr!

BENDER: Aw, kitty! Not on my new jacket!

PROFESSOR: Bye-bye, now!


TOUR GUIDE: Ready, sir?PROFESSOR: (putting on goggles next to a tri-plane/para-glider) Oh my, yes! (jumps off the side of the Eiffel tower) GERONIMO!! Ah, New Paris is beautiful this time of year!

ROBOT DEVIL: (looking on through binoculars) Enjoy yourself while you can, Farnsworth! Your soul will soon be mine!

CAFE PATRON: Excuse me? Can we get more POMMES FRITES, waiter?

ROBOT DEVIL: Tourists! -Shudder!-


FRY: (walks up to the coffee machine) Ah! Nothing like a good hot cup of... (the machine shoots flames everywhere) BURNING! (goes off to complain to Cubert. Leela, Hermes, and Scruffy are already railing on him) I'm sick and tire of nothing working right around here!

HERMES: Yeah, my calculator's not calculating.

SCRUFFY: And Scruffy's floor polisher went kablooey.

CUBERT: Now listen everybody, please be patient. (the 'relaxation capsule' with Bender and his tiger come crashing into the hangar) Don't look at me! I didn't do it!

ZOIDBERG: (pointing at a shaking machine with blinking red lights) Excuse me, professor Cubert, Sir, but something's wrong with THIS machine now.

CUBERT: (trying to control the device) Oh no! Now the TRACTOR BEAM is malfunctioning! It grabbed a meteor out in sopace and appears to be pulling it back to Earth!

LEELA: That's probably how this capsule got here! But if a meteor hits the building, we'll be flattened!

SCUFFY: (looking at the capsule embedded into the floor) That's gonna hurt the shine, ayup.

CUBERT: I can't get the beam to release! It's not responding!

HERMES: And if that meteor hits, we'll NEVER get out cleaning deposit back!

PROFESSOR: Hello! Hello, everybody! I've come for a visit.

ZOIDBERG: (waving a toilet plunger) Hello! But this isn't a good time for a visit, Hubert! Woo woo woo woo!

CUBERT: Quick! Where's that flux spanner? (Leela is waving a screw driver, and Fry has a bottle opener)

HERMES: No! It's the PERFECT time for a visit! PROFESSOR! You've got to save us.

CUBERT: Dad? Just in the nick of time! I can't shut down this stupid tractor beam!

PROFESSOR: Oh no, I can't use my scientific abilities. You know I've given that up!

ROBOT DEVIL: That's right! You don't want to cut short all the FUN you've been having.

PROFESSOR: You again! Stop hounding me!

ROBOT DEVIL: Oh, I'm just here because robot hell's being FUMIGATED. Don't mind me!

The metal shutters over the hangar and windows slam shut.

CUBERT: Oops! I must have accidentally set off the building security system. We're LOCKED IN!

HERMES: Stop touching things!

ROBOT DEVIL: Hey! That means I'M trapped here, too!

LEELA: Professor! If you don't help, it means CERTAIN DEATH for us all!

ROBOT DEVIL: Yes, MY demise wasn't part of this deal! You've got to do something! I don't want to end up in the scrap pile!

PROFESSOR: I don't know...

He pulls a handful of wires out of the tractor beam.

PROFESSOR: All right, I'll DO IT! Zoidberg, cut these wires!

ZOIDBERG: Yes, Sergeant!

Zoidberg cuts the wires with his claws and the Professor poofs back to his normal age.

ROBOT DEVIL: Oh, too bad! By attempting a scientific act, you're in breach of our agreement!

PROFESSOR: You mechanical maniac! You've turned me old again?!

ROBOT DEVIL: Hey, a contract's a contract. It's out of my hands!

LEELA: Come on, Professor, you can do it!

PROFESSOR: Oh dear! Now what was I going to do? Attach wire A to wire Q?

ROBOT DEVIL: Yes! Come on, Farny, do it for the team!

Leela begins to shove the Robot Devil away while the Professor climbs halfway into a panel in the machine.

LEELA: Get out of here, you!

FRY: *points* Look, Professor! The tractor beam is doing something different!

PROFESSOR: I've managed to reverse the polarity of the tractor beam... AND I found an old sock inside.

ZOIDBERG: I'll take that!

Leela and Fry watch the tractor beam's read-out.

LEELA: It worked! The beam is sending the meteor back into deep space!

FRY: Hooray! It's SOMEONE ELSE'S problem now!

ROBOT DEVIL: So the Professor practicing science has saved the day! Now, where were we? Oh, yes... you were coming to ROBOT HELL with me! Bwah ha ha ha!

PROFESSOR: What?! I don't remember agreeing to that.

The Robot Devil pulls out a contract and unrolls it, pointing to the bottom.

ROBOT DEVIL: You signed the contract in your own blood, you senile coot! See?

HERMES: Sweet mantis of Atlantis! There's NOTHING more legally binding than blood!

PROFESSOR: Oh my, no... that wasn't MY blood.

He opens his coat to reveal a fountain pen hooked up to a bag of blood.

PROFESSOR: It was CUBERT'S. I always keep a spare supply of clone blood on hand, in case I need an emergency.

CUBERT: *hugs the Professor* All right, dad! Way to transfuse and confuse!

ROBOT DEVIL: That's not fair! I'll take you to a court of the damned!

PROFESSOR: That won't do you any good. You see, I've already promised my soul to three OTHER DEVILS before you... and three is the limit. Here, I'll let you talk to them yourself. I call forth SHAPUR! ASTEROTH, come unto me! BELCHAR, I summon thee!

Three explosions go off around him, and three demons with pitchforks show up from the smoke. One looks like a minotaur, one is blue with fur, and the last has red skin.

PROFESSOR: Hi, fellas! How you doing? Belchy, how are the kids?

He shakes the minotaur's hand.

PROFESSOR: Say, listen... I know you havn't figured out which one of you owns my soul yet, and you don't want to start an unholy war in hell...

RED DEMON: You got THAT right!

The Professor points to the Robot Devil.

PROFESSOR: Well, this guy is ALSO trying to claim my soul.

RED DEMON: He's a little late to the party! Let us have a WORD with him.

BLUE DEMON: Come hither, Devil!

ROBOT DEVIL: Oh dear, I think I hear my mother ringing the dinner bell!

The Robot Devil runs outside with the other three demons behind him.

BELCHAR: Get back here!

ROBOT DEVIL: No, wait, I'm a bleeder! AAAHHH!

PROFESSOR: Well, that's THAT then. All's well that ends well!

FRY: You said it!

PROFESSOR: Come along, everyone, I'll treat you all to a FROGURT CUP. I've got coupons!


HERMES: I'll have a double mango-hem!

PROFESSOR: Although... I can't help thinking there's SOMETHING I've forgotten. Oh well, just chalk it up to my brain... my old, rusty brain.

BENDER: Hey, guys?! Isn't anyone going to open this thing for Bender? Hellooo? Stupid humans! They make me so mad, I could just KICK them!


BENDER: Oops! Sorry, kitty! Good kitty!

The end