Comic Transcripts

Comic #74: What the What If?
Transcribed by Spaceman130








SCENE: Planet Express locker room. Fry and Bender are present.

FRY: Bender, tell the Professor I'll be back later! I'm going to the DENTIST to get this tooth pulled!

BENDER: (holding a lit stick of dynamite and pointing at it) Aw, that's a waste of money! I'll do the job for HALF the price with this stick of dynamite!

FRY: That's how you tried to cure my athlete's foot, and my toenails STILL haven't grown back!

BENDER: Fine, just throw your money away!

Bender tosses the stick of dynamite upstairs. It bounces into the Professor's lab, next to a table with the What If Machine on top of it. The What If Machine has a taped note that reads WHAT IF MACHINE DO NOT TOUCH!

FRY: Bender, did you just throw that DYNAMITE away?

BENDER: Don't worry, I know where it is! The Professor's laboratory!

The dynamite explodes, leaving the lab and the What If Machine destroyed. Bender's back is blackened from the explosion and Fry's hair is blown backward.


Scruffy enters. Bender holds a flame to light a cigar in his mouth.

SCRUFFY: Now you listen to Scruffy and you listen good! You done blew up the Professor's WHAT IF MACHINE! (showing a map) According to Scruffy's calculations, that WHAT IF ENERGY has dispersed and turned New New York into ALTERNATE VERSIONS of itself! (showing the map to Fry) You need to REBUILD the machine to get things back to the way they wuz! There are five main parts. They all have a unique energy signature, and Scruffy was able to locate where that there explosion sent them!

Bender's butt catches fire. Brown smoke rises from it.

FRY: Wait...if the entire city is now an alternate version of itself, why aren't we?

SCRUFFY: You were in the eye of the explosion, so you both stayed the same!

Fry sprays Bender with water to put out the flame.

BENDER: Then why aren't YOU different?

SCRUFFY: I am! I'm a version of Scruffy that gives a load of exposition!

Scruffy hangs from the railing on the floor above by a long monkey tail.

SCRUFFY: Also, I got this here MONKEY TAIL! Good luck!

BENDER: Awwww...lucky!

FRY: Thanks, Scruffy!

Fry and Bender exit Planet Express and walk onto the streets of New New York. Fry is on a phone.

FRY: Well, if we're going to do this, we'd better call Leela!

PHONE COMPANY: The number you have dialed does not exist. You have been charged ten dollars for wasting the phone company's time!

FRY: I guess we're on our own for now, Bender! Bender?

Bender has a drink and is watching Roberto gambling with a trench-coated stranger.

FRY: We don't have time for GAMBLING!

BENDER: Hold on! I've never seen a hot streak like the one THIS GUY is having!

ROBERTO: Just find the queen!

The stranger holds the card up for Roberto to see.

ROBERTO: Grrr! You won again! That's one thousand times in a row!

STRANGER: So double or nothing?

ROBERTO: (pulling a knife) How about I STAB ya instead! (trips) Oops!

The knife becomes lodged in Roberto's chest.

ROBERTO: And I landed on my knife, which is disrupting my internal connections!

Roberto lies in pieces on the street.

FRY: Wow, what crazy luck!

STRANGER: Yes, it's ALWAYS like that for me!

The stranger throws off his hat and trenchcoat, revealing himself to be Zoidberg.

ZOIDBERG: The name's Zoidberg. LUCKY Zoidberg! I once found a SEVEN LEAF CLOVER and I ate it! I've been living the GOOD LIFE ever since.

FRY: But that was MY clover! I found it one day when...

BENDER: (pushing Fry away) No time for your boring life story! Check this out!

FRY: It's like every street is a different reality...!

Fry stares out at a yard scene drawn like a Peanuts cartoon. Sal is sitting, playing a piano. Hermes is smiling, hugging a stack of papers. Nibbler is lying on his back on top of a doghouse. Amy has her hands clasped together and is smiling widely, looking up with hearts floating over her head. Kif is beside her with a distressed look on his face. Bender points a finger and taunts Woodstock in binary.

BENDER: 100101 010101!


Dwight and Cubert are walking down the street.

DWIGHT: (to Cubert) You're a blockhead!

CUBERT: What are you talking about? My head couldn't BE any rounder!

Fry is in another scene outside enormous snow buildings. Everyone is a snowperson. A snow police officer is moving away in the background. Mom is there with her sons.

FRY: (shivering) I t-think I r-r-recognize people but...

MOM: I'll teach you to steal your brother's nose! (slaps her sons' heads off)

IGNER: Happy birthday!

Fry and Bender are on the streets of New New York. Everyone pictured in the foreground (Elzar, Hedonismbot and a hobo) has two extra arms.

FRY: We need to hurry before this all becomes permanent!

HEDONISMBOT: (to the hobo) Slap me ten!

Fry is on the phone again, walking with Bender and Zoidberg.

PHONE COMPANY: Seriously, the number doesn't exist! Don't make us come over there!

FRY: Leela's STILL not answering!

Leela pops out from under a manhole cover. She has a black eye and her clothes are torn.

LEELA: Did someone say my name?

FRY: LEELA! It's so good to see you again!

LEELA: We haven't met! I've never been to the surface world before!

FRY: So in your reality your parents never put you up for adoption! Come with us! We're saving the city!

Leg Mutant pops out of the manhole.

LEG MUTANT: That's my GIRLFRIEND, pal. She ain't goin' nowhere! I'm putting my FOOT down!

LEELA: Oh, that's all you EVER do!

Leela climbs out of the hole.

LEELA: What the heck! Count me in!

LEG MUTANT: But I thought we were SOLE MATES!

Ten minutes later, Fry, Leela and Bender show up in a Winnie the Pooh reality. Winnie's butt is stuck in a tree hole, and Piglet is passed out next to a pot of honey. Eeyore is there, and the Professor is a kangaroo.

WINNIE: But Professor Roo, you said you were going to invent a way for me to get out of this hole!

EEYORE: I guess you're gonna die. On the bright side, you're half-buried already!

FRY: (holding the map) So you see Professor, we just need to get all the parts together!

PROFESSOR: Yes yes, anything to get me away from that depressing donkey!

BENDER: (holding Eeyore's tail) Hey, I stole that guy's tail! How much do you think I can get for it?

FRY: According to the map, the first piece should be here in Manhattan!

SCENE: Manhattan. Kif is sitting on a park bench, dressed like a leprechaun and holding a golden bowl of Lucky Charms-esque cereal.

FRY: Hey! There's Kif! He'll help us!

KIF: Sorry, can't talk! I have to defend this CEREAL from children who want to steal it! Oh no! Here they come now!

Some children from the Orphanarium (including Sally) show up and chase after Kif. Kif runs away.

GIRL 1: There he is!

BOY 1: His cereal is full of alien marshmallows!

GIRL 2: Yellow stars, blue nebulas, black holes, and even blacker dark matter!

A sudden explosion blows the kids away.




An enormous hovering pirate ship appears. The ship has a statue of Edna holding a piece of buttered toast on its bow and an image of a grinning Zapp on its sail. A bunch of Decapodian pirates and Zapp make their way down floating stairs descending from the ship. Zapp is dressed like Cap'n Crunch, with a Z on his hat.

ZAPP: Ha ha! Good job acting as bait, first mate Kif! No one steals CAPTAIN ZAPP'S crunchy Velour Flakes!

KIF: Thank you, sir.

FRY: We don't want your cereal!

BENDER: (looking at the map) Actually, we do! That bowl is the first piece of the What If Machine!

ZAPP: I'd rather Kif die than hand over my cereal!

KIF: What?

LEELA: (looking sweetly at Zapp) Can we just have the bowl?

ZAPP: Wow! I wouldn't mind making you part of my complete breakfast!

LEELA: (blushing) Tee hee!

FRY: What are you doing? You hate that guy!

LEELA: I do? Why? He's way more handsome than my last boyfriend.

ZAPP: Run away with me! We'll spend our lives looking for the prize at the bottom of the cereal box!

ZOIDBERG: Just TAKE the bowl!

FRY: But Zapp's crew! We're outnumbered!

ZOIDBERG: Luckily, they're all from my home planet! I convinced them to mutiny.

PIRATE 1: We thought, hey why not?

Two pirates point swords at Zapp.

ZAPP: Niacin! Riboflavin! How could you?

PIRATE 2: Well, for one reason, our names are Morty and Sol!

Fry and the gang now walk down the street. Fry has the bowl of cereal in his hands.

LEELA: What was your PROBLEM back there?

FRY: That guy is a jerk!

LEELA: So what's it to you?

FRY: I just--

The Professor shows up.

PROFESSOR: Good news, everyone! The next piece is close by! Let's hop to it! Not that I have any CHOICE in the matter!

Soon, Fry and company arrive at another street. The Robot Mafia is troubling a robot hot dog vendor with a broken cart.

FRY: Things look pretty normal!

DONBOT: This is a nice hot dog cart! Be a SHAME if someone fixed it!

CLAMPS: I'm gonna repair it with my clamps!

VENDOR: Aw, come on!

DONBOT: Well then, you better take this extortion money! Give it to him, Joey Mousepad!

JOEY MOUSEPAD: Sure thing, Donbot!

VENDOR: You monster!

FRY: Something's wrong here!

BENDER: Yeah, you don't wanna know what just happened with that guy walking his dog by the hydrant!

A man and a dog walk away from a shiny fire hydrant.

PROFESSOR: According to my readings, this world runs in REVERSE! And it looks like the DONBOT is WEARING the coil you need!

FRY: Bender, you go get it from him! You speak criminal!

BENDER: (fearfully) What?

Bender walks toward Donbot.

BENDER: Um...hi, Donbot! Can we get that coil from you? It's fine if the answer is no!

DONBOT: What? You dare address the Donbot directly? Clamps! Joey! Make him beat you up!

JOEY MOUSEPAD: You got it, boss!

Joey Mousepad and Clamps grab Bender's arms and punch themselves with his fists.



DONBOT: (giving the coil to Bender) Let that be a lesson to you. Next time you won't get off so easy! Now take this coil!

JOEY MOUSEPAD: You sure showed him, boss!

BENDER: I like this part of town! I wanna stay!

PROFESSOR: The longer you stay, the more it'll affect you, too! You're ALREADY putting our wallets back into our pockets!

BENDER: AAAH! Let's get outta here!

FRY: Where to next, Zoidberg?

ZOIDBERG: Queens! Which, luckily, is where we are right now!

In Queens, everything is shaped like the word which represents it.

LEELA: (pointing at a mailbox shaped like the word MAILBOX) Everything here is made of words. It's all literal. LITERALLY!

Fry and Bender go inside a cog store. Fry spots a golden cog.

FRY: There's the cog we need!

BENDER: (pointing at the speech bubble over his head) Hey, I can read your words! They're in these BALLOON things! Mine, too!

Outside, Smitty catches Fry. Smitty is shaped like the word POLICE.

SMITTY: HOLD IT! I saw you steal that cog!

FRY: (thinking) Got to think of a lie!

SMITTY: I can read your THOUGHTS, too!

LEELA: Looks like you've got a SPELLING ERROR!

SMITTY: What? I do? Where?

Smitty bends over forward.

SMITTY: Are you sure? I spellchecked myself before I left the station this morning!


Fry and Leela run away.

FRY: (to Leela) *Huff!* You were great!

LEELA: Thanks!

Fry leans in to kiss Leela.

LEELA: Errr... (pulling away) Fry, you're not my type!

FRY: I'm sorry. Just an old habit. (thinking) I'll win her back again!

LEELA: I can still read your thoughts and no you won't!

BENDER: (looking at a bottle of booze shaped like the word BOOZE) Ugh! Reading's for losers! Where's the next piece?

PROFESSOR: It's a transistor, and it's in the Bronx!

SCENE: The Bronx. Fry and the gang walk down stairs.

FRY: Okay, it should be around here some--

ANNOUNCER: Fry, Leela, Bender, Zoidberg, and Professor! Come on down! You're our next contestants!

Fry and company enter a game show set with podiums and a giant wheel.

FRY: This must be a GAME SHOW reality!

BENDER: (smoking a cigar) What was your first clue? Everything?


CALCULON: (dressed in a shiny suit) Greetings, nobodies! Are you ready to play?

FRY: Come on, guys! We don't have TIME for this!

BENDER, LEELA, ZOIDBERG, and PROFESSOR: (disappointed) Awwwww!

CALCULON: Today the grand prize is a TRANSISTOR!

FRY: There it is! We need to win that!

CALCULON: Then all you need to do is defeat our returning champion...MR. HORRIBLE GELATINOUS BLOB!

H.G. BLOB: (with the Professor inside him) Great to be back, Wink!

LEELA: Did you eat the Professor?

H.G. BLOB: Nothing in the rules against it!

FRY: Aw man, that was our smartest guy!

BENDER: I'll have you know I've got the brain of a supercomputer!

FRY: Really?

BENDER: (holding up the brain of a supercomputer in a jar) Yeah, I took it from him while he was sleeping. Gonna try and pawn it after this!

CALCULON: I'll be asking a series of questions. Whoever buzzes in first with the correct answers--


CALCULON: Yes, Zoidberg?

ZOIDBERG: What is carbon? What is pi? Who is Charles Darwin? What is magma? Who is Ray Bradbury? What is forty two?

CALCULON: Correct! What an amazing series of lucky guesses!

H.G. BLOB: (chasing after Zoidberg) You cheater! I'll get you for this!

ZOIDBERG: (crab-running away) Bender! Spin the big wheel!

Bender spins the wheel. H.G. Blob falls onto the wheel.

H.G. BLOB: Uh-oh!

H.G. Blob is splattered by the wheel's whirring needles.

FRY: (holding the transistor) Bender, come on!

BENDER: (still spinning the wheel) Just a second! Come on, big money, no whammies!

Soon, Fry and company arrive to a locale where there is a green statue of Morbo standing on top of a pile of skulls, holding a ray gun and a book with the word KNEEL.

FRY: Here we are, Liberty Island! All we need is the final part, the MOTHERBOARD! We'll have to do a top to bottom search and--

LEELA: Found it! They had it on sale at the gift shop. You owe me five bucks!

FRY: Way to go, Leela! (opening his arms for a hug) You're amazing!

LEELA: Yeah, I think I'm gonna walk away now.

FRY: She'll remember how she feels about me once everything goes back to how it was!

ZOIDBERG: Fry, may I see that motherboard for a second?

FRY: Sure!

Zoidberg snips the motherboard to pieces with his claws.

FRY: Ahh! What did you do?

ZOIDBERG: If things go back to normal, then I'll be a LOSER again! I can't let that happen!

FRY: (on his knees) The board! It's destroyed! Now Leela'll never love me again!

BENDER: (holding a stick of dynamite) Sorry, pal. Wanna blow stuff up with dynamite? Take your mind off it?

FRY: Wait, I'm either getting a brilliant thought or a stupid one!

BENDER: I wanna bet everything on stupid!

FRY: Bender, can you blow up this coil we got from where everything was reversed?

BENDER: (lighting the dynamite) Sure!

The dynamite is planted inside the coil.

BENDER: (running away) By the way, this is SUPER dynamite. You should all start running ten seconds ago!

The dynamite explodes with a BOOM! In the next scene, the Morbo statue is destroyed and the gang is climbing out of the water surrounding the island.


ZIRA-ESQUE APE: Honey, we can still catch a Broadway show if we hurry!

The parts of the What If Machine start coming together.

LEELA: What's happening to the machine?

FRY: It's REVERSE DESTROYED so it's rebuilding itself!


BENDER: (holding a drink) It's whole again!

FRY: (reading the map) Which means, according to Scruffy's instructions on the map, the reality changing energy should get absorbed again and...

SCENE: Planet Express.

FRY: WE'RE BACK! Check it out, Bender! Things are back to normal again!

BENDER: Yeah, kinda boring! Let's blow it up again!

On the ground, Zoidberg has lost to Roberto at gambling.

ZOIDBERG: No! I've lost everything! Double or nothing?

Leela enters.

LEELA: Hey, Fry, you weren't returning my calls! Did you want to go for lunch or what?

FRY: Leela!

Fry runs up to Leela and they kiss.

FRY: Wow! We kissed so hard my tooth got knocked out!

LEELA: I'm so sorry!

FRY: Don't be! Aside from the INCREDIBLE PAIN, this is the best day of my life!

LEELA: Ooookay, I'll meet you outside!

Fry and Bender go in the meeting room to have lunch. Fry pulls out a sandwich and Bender a large glass of beer.

FRY: I guess we're the ONLY ONES who'll remember what happened!

BENDER: And I intend to forget it after a night of drinking!

FRY: The important thing is everything is the way it was! Hey, Scruffy, want us to pick up anything for you while we're out?

Scruffy hangs from the lamp above by his monkey tail while dusting off a lamp with a feather duster.

SCRUFFY: Scruffy's got a hankerin' for some bananas!

FRY: You got it, pal!