Fan Fiction

The Sorrow of Being Kif Kroker, Part 3
By Dwayne Anderson

On board the Nimbus, Zapp sat in his private chamber.

"With Kif gone," he said, "I'm gonna need a new assistant. Somebody who is reliable and a lot of fun to boss around."

He stood from his bed. "I must make an announcement."

"Guys, guys!" said Amy as she ran into the living room of Planet Express. "Kif just got a new job! He's a hairdresser!"

"I once saw him use his skills on a gorilla," said Fry. (See "The Problem With Popplers")

"You should go congratulate him," said Leela.

"I will," said Amy.

On board the Nimbus, Zapp makes an announcement through the intercom.

"Attention all DOOP cadets! There is a position available for Captain's assistant. All who are interested, please apply in person. That is all!"

He shuts off the intercom. "There! Now, let the suckers come forth!"

At the Hairdresser's Clinic, Kif was washing a customer's hair with shampoo. His new employer watched, very impressed.

Next, he hung a dryer over his customer's wet hair. All that was left, was to let the hair dry.

The door to the clinic opened.

"Kif!" says Amy as she comes in.

Kif looks quite surprised. "Amy, what are you doing here?"

"I came to congratulate you on your new job. Congratulation!"

"Why thank you. Now if you don't mind, Amy, I'd like to get back to work. I did just get my first customer. And I can't screw up, as my boss is watching."

The smell of smoke suddenly fills the room. Kif sniffs the air.

"Good god!" he said. "What smells like burning hair?!"

He turns around, only to see smoke coming from the dryer hanging over his customer's head.

"Oh no!" he cries.

He dashes forth and lifts the dryer. His customer, a dazzling blonde, now had black hair.

Upon seeing her new looks, she screams and faints.

Kif covers his mouth with his hands.

"Oops," he said.

His boss sees it all. She replaces the "Hairdresser Wanted" sign in the window.

Kif moans.

Later at Planet Express...

"I can't believe it!" said Kif. "I finally got my dream job, and I get fired within an hour!

"I'm sorry Kif," said Amy. "It's all my fault for distracting you."

"I won't hold you responsible," said Kif.

Around the table, sits the rest of the crew reading through the "Classifed Ads".

"Hey Kif," said Fry, "do you have any spare music records you don't listen to anymore?"

"Yeah a few," said Kif.

"Well then listen to this," said Fry. He begins to read the ad. "We'll take any unwanted music records off your hands for cash. Call 1-800-573-8921"

"Give me the paper," said Kif. "I'm gonna call that number now."

Fry gives Kif the paper. Kif gets up and walks over to the video-phone. He turns it on and begins to call the number. Every time he pushes a number, he looks back at the paper to get the next number. It takes him fifteen seconds to dial the number.

Finally, someone answers the call.

"Hello, New New York Skeet Shooting Club!"

Kif quickly turns off the phone.

Back on board the Nimbus, Zapp answers a knock on the door to his private chamber. A cadet stands outside and salutes.

"Reporting for duty sir!"

"Excellent!" said Zapp. "Come on in and I'll get you busy."

A few minutes later...

"Get back to your previous post cadet!"

"But captain, I did a good job didn't I?"

"Sure you did! You're just not what I'm looking for! Send in the next applicant on your way out!"

Later, Kif has found another job. He's now the gatekeeper outside the city.

"Now do you know what to do?" his new boss asked him.

"I sure do!" said Kif. "I check each letter and put it in the appropriate mailbox."

"Just one problem Kif. You're not a mailman, you're the gatekeeper. Your job is to wave through the cars who pass here to the city. First you stop each car, ask the driver how long they'll be visiting, or how long it's been since they left. Now turn on your service light and wave through your first car."

Kif turns on his service light. He sees an approaching car.

"Ok! Over here!" he says. "Come on, come on..."

The cars passes by.

"Bye, have a nice day!" said Kif.

The same thing happens for the next three cars.

"Kif! What are you doing?" his boss asks.

"Waving the cars through just like you asked," said Kif.

"You're supposed to stop the cars!"

"Hey that's a great idea! Then it'll be easier to give them their mail!"

"You're not a mailman! You're the Gatekeeper! On second thought, you're fired!"

Kif groans.

"That's the Fourth job I've lost today!" he said to himself.

* * * *

"Four jobs in one day," said Kif. "First Captain's assistant, then Actor, Hairdresser, and Gatekeeper. Things just keep getting worse for me!"

"Kif," said Zoidberg, "you and I will work out just fine!"

"Are there any other jobs available?" Kif asks the others.

"Telemarketing," said Bender.

"Bender, do you remember when you tried to make money by making phone surveys last year?" asked Leela.


"How much money did you make?"


"How many policemen came to Planet Express?"


"How about we all chip in and loan Kif some money?" asked Leela.

"I would appreciate it," said Kif. "But I can't take free charity no matter how free it is."

"Even if I do give you all the money I won in yesterday's monopoly game," said Bender, "I wouldn't mind. After all, all the money we played with came from Zoidberg's bank account!"

Zoidberg groans.

"It's getting late," said Leela. "We should call it a day and try to find Kif another job tomorrow."

Later, at Amy's apartment, Kif is sitting on Amy's bed. Amy has just gotten out of the shower.

"What a day," he said to himself. "This has got to be the worst day of my life."

Amy suddenly got an idea.

"Oh Kif," she said seducingly as she walks into the bedroom. Then she removes her pink bathrobe, revealing herself dressed in black sheer negligee.

Kif's eyes widen.

"Uh Amy, what are you doing?"

But later, when they're in bed together, Kif suddenly feels a lot better as Amy rubs her near-naked body beside him.

"This may have been the worst day of my life," he said to himself, "but this is a night I'll never forget!"

In another bedroom far away, on board the Nimbus, Zapp is seated on his bed.

"What a day," he said to himself. "I just can't seem to find a good replacement for Kif! Everyone was as equally reliable as him, they just aren't as fun to boss around! Oh well, there's always tomorrow."

As Zapp lays down for his night-time rest, he thinks about the past with Kif. All those hours he spent bossing around the amphibian luitenant seemed now a thing of the past.

"Dammit!" said Zapp. "If I can't find a decent replacement, I'll have no choice! I just may have to take Kif back!"


To Be Continued