Being Turanga Leela
(The scene starts with Fry sitting at a table with his date Lucy,
she is blond and thin)
FRY: When I look at you Lucy, I see more than a blonde bimbo with a great body,
I also see..... er,............... um, Ooh! Bread rolls! Pass me some bread
LUCY: You aren't very good with words are you Phillip?
FRY: Hey, call me fry
LUCY: Why? That would be like calling me 'Hitler'
FRY: Right, sorry about that name by the way.
LUCY: Why does everyone keep saying that?
FRY: Didn't I ask for bread a minute ago?
LUCY: Who was that guy who gave you my number again?
FRY: You mean Bender? He got the number from your wallet
LUCY: Oh right the wallet inspector
LUCY: So Fry, what do you do for a living?
FRY: Oh, what am I? I think it's an astronaut
LUCY: Really?! That's so cool!
FRY: Oh wait no, I'm a delivery boy, but I still get to go all around the universe
LUCY: Well, that must be fun
FRY: Not with Leela as your captain, Leela's a good captain though, and she
has a nice body.
LUCY: Oh right, Who is this Leela you keep mentioning? Is she like an ex of
yours or something?
FRY: Not exactly
LUCY: You're still going out with her?!
FRY: No, no! She.. I mean we, never went out
LUCY: Right. Wanna know what I do for a living?
FRY: Does it have to do with passing me the bread?
(The scene switches to Zoidberg on his way to Hermes' office)
ZOIDBERG: What could it be this time? Does he know about his missing files
printed on sugar paper? Stupid deceiving paper names!
(Zoidberg walks into Hermes' office)
ZOIDBERG: I want my lawyer dammit!
HERMES: Relax Zoidberg, I'm just reminding you that the safety inspector is
coming round next week and frankly, your office is a dump. You know they mark
for tidiness and cleanliness as well these days don't you
ZOIDBERG: but there are so many other important things to do, I haven't fixed
my slinky yet! That thing could poke someone's eye out!
HERMES: Did you poke yourself in the eye with the slinky again?
ZOIDBERG: Yeah, but expect him to deny it
HERMES: I've had enough of you arguing with your toys, just clean your damn
ZOIDBERG: Oh very well, maybe I'll get a raise? Hint hint
HERMES: If you're lucky, you'll keep your job, now get to cleaning!
(Zoidberg exits and walks offscreen to his room, we see Leela doing some work
on the ship, Bender is helping)
BENDER: So how do you think Fry's date went with Lucy?
LEELA: He went out with HER? She was such a bimbo
BENDER: Someone's being awful judgmental for a person who dyes her hair with
LEELA: Sorry, I'm not in a very good mood today, the decorators called to say
they wouldn't be able to install my window for another 6 months. Oh, and I do
NOT dye my hair with food colouring, I don't dye it at all!
BENDER: Well someone took all the food colouring, it wasn't there when I was
going to take it and sell it
(Zoidberg walks by with purple colouring around his mouth)
ZOIDBERG: Yes, a mystery that will never be solved
BENDER: Hey meatbag! You're here late.
FRY: Yeah, I had sex with Lucy
LEELA: Ugh, Fry...
FRY: What? Was I not specific enough?
LEELA: Oh never mind. Well if you had a good time, I'm guessing it wasn't for
FRY: We had plenty of good conversations and I really like her! And she likes
me too! A lot! We're going out again tomorrow.
LEELA: Right, before the drive thru closes I suppose
FRY: Oh don't be stupid Leela. Of course before the drive thru closes
BENDER: You humans and your pathetic love lives, You need a good socket to
plug into. Well not you Leela, unless that's what you're into.
HERMES: Ah good, I'm glad you're all back now you can make that delivery to
LEELA: Could you be more specific?
HERMES: Fine, the bar, you know the only one on mars
FRY: Mars bar?
HERMES: Don't say that again, copyright infringement.
AMY: The mars bar? Cool! My parents own that! Just tell them Inez's daughter
sent you, you'll get free drinks.
BENDER: well, that'll save me beating up the barman and stealing the booze,
but hey, where's the challenge in that. Maybe I'll just ruff him up a little.
AMY: Can I go too Professor? Pleeaase!
FARNSWORTH: Oh my no, you have to stay here and wash my feet
ZOIDBERG: Can I go? I've always dreamed of drinking, with friends.
HERMES: YOU have to stay here and tidy up your office
(He walks off)
LEELA: Well we're just about ready to go, come on fry
FRY: O.k I'm ready
(They fly away. It switches to Zoidberg in his office trying to clean up)
ZOIDBERG: Stupid humans! Thinking they're better than me. Well who's the successful
doctor, huh? That's right, me! And I'll make them see it! I'll become so successful
that people will have to tell me why they stand in the corner and laugh at me.
(He opens a cupboard and papers and other rubbish come tumbling down on top
of him, piling him underneath, Amy walks by and stops at the door)
AMY: You are SUCH a freak
ZOIDBERG: Help me! I'm stuck under a pile of stinking trash!
(We hear an eating noise)
ZOIDBERG: Wait leave me here
(His head comes out of the pile, he coughs up a picture-frame)
ZOIDBERG: Will you help me clean up?
AMY: For nothing? I think not, what's in it for me?
ZOIDBERG: My eternal loving friendship?
AMY: How about the opposite
ZOIDBERG: You want me to kill you? Well I suppose I could just pretend you
were like one of my patients. Yap, yap yap 'Doctor, I fell into a volcano' Hey
I didn't ask for your life story buddy!
AMY: Throw in $20 and it's a deal
ZOIDBERG: Twenty clams it is
AMY: I'm not falling for that again, I want money, not actual clams
ZOIDBERG: You drive a hard bargain.
(It cuts to them cleaning several things up, Amy opens a filing cabinet, and
several bats fly out)
ZOIDBERG: My bats! Flappy! Jawsie! Nightshade! Sir Fangsalot! Bender! Zoidy
AMY: Forget your bats, how old is this filing cabinet anyway?
ZOIDBERG: Well I picked it up about a year ago from that dumpster shop outside
the building, so many bargains! I buy all my stuff there!
AMY: Well if the inspectors are coming, its gotta go
ZOIDBERG: Very well
(Zoidberg helps Amy shift it out the doorway)
AMY: Hey, what's that?
ZOIDBERG (pointing to his leg) this? Why this is a scar I got in the great
sand demon war of somethingity-whatever back on Decapo 10.
AMY: It just looks like sand to me
(Amy brushes the sand off his leg)
ZOIDBERG: It was just sand?! And now it's gone. I feel so naked!
AMY: Anyway fishbrains, I was talking about the door, the one behind where
the filing cabinet was?
ZOIDBERG: hmmmm, I've never seen it before, and it's too small to stash a hefty
stack of bodies.....
AMY: Maybe you shouldn't talk anymore
ZOIDBERG: You want me to sing?
AMY: I think one of us should look in the hole
(Zoidberg and Amy look at each other. It cuts to Zoidberg being forced into
the whole by Amy with a broom stick as he is stuck, Amy finally forces him through)
ZOIDBERG: Ech! It's just some muddy tunnel
(He eats some mud)
AMY: How is it?
ZOIDBERG: A little dry. Not bad but I've had better
AMY: I mean the tunnel doofus
ZOIDBERG: There's some kind of bright light at the end of the tunnel, maybe
AMY: Please, I've seen heaven in the movies. Its not all that
ZOIDBERG: Look at all these dead worms! All gone to waste!
AMY: Go to the end of the tunnel, there must be something hidden there.
ZOIDBERG: O.k I'm going
(He starts to crawl to the other end on the tunnel. Suddenly it seems to tip
up vertically. Zoidberg falls down the tunnel into the bright light, he gets
up to realise that he's in some sort of control room, with a large screen and
metal tables and filing cabinets)
ZOIDBERG: This is like one of those doctor's surgeries people keep telling
(He looks up at the screen, which seems to be showing a view through someone's
eyes. Or eye)
ZOIDBERG: My god! I'm in someone's head! It's less sticky than I thought it
(The view turns to show Bender and Fry sitting there drinking, we hear a voice
on the speaker next to the screen)
VOICE(LEELA): Will you guys stop drinking! If we crash, Amy's parents will
probably sue us for the supplies we lost, oh and you'd both die
BENDER: I think you've got a few things mixed up. I'm the one who has to have
alcohol to keep running
LEELA: Oh right. Well then Fry, you stop drinking, your responsible for this
ship as well as me you know
FRY: Uhhhhh... I need alcohol to keep running too
ZOIDBERG: My god! I'm looking through Leela's eyes! I can see and hear everything
(The room starts shaking)
ZOIDBERG: What's going on?!
(A hole suddenly opens in the middle of the room. It sucks Zoidberg into it.
He suddenly appears in the toilet of the PE ship, he walks out)
LEELA: Listen fry, I'm not going to believe a bunch of stupid....... Zoidberg!
What are you doing on the ship?
ZOIDBERG: Uhhhhhhhh..... Going to the bathroom, thats what. Not that its any
of your business young lady
LEELA: You weren't here in the first place
ZOIDBERG: What? I was here the whole time making conversation, didn't you notice
(He puts his face in his claws and pretends to cry)
BENDER: Leela, it sounds like the toilets backing up, go and fix it
LEELA: No, its zoidberg
BENDER: Oh, well he's probably been there all this time, you know, acting insignificant
LEELA: Well, I suppose you'd better come and sit dfown. Although I'm still
sure you weren't here
ZOIDBERG:I was closer than you think
LEELA: You weren't in my underwear drawer looking for edible thongs again were
ZOIDBERG: Of course not! Why, do you have any?
(It draws out to see the ship fly away. It then cuts to fry on another date
LUCY: I think I might order the hobo this time, the hippie was dry
FRY: Pass the bread
LUCY: So fry, how've you been since our last date?
LUCY: I can't wait for you to meet my parents
FRY: What?! Meet your parents? If you'd have passed me the bread, I'd be spitting
it out in shock by now
LUCY: Well we got on so well, I thought marriage was only so far away, so you
might as well meet my parents
FRY: Oh, I get it, you're joking. I get it now
(Fry laughs, when Lucy continues to look at him seriously, fry's laughter drowns
LUCY: There's nothing funny about the commitment you made to me Fry. I've applied
for a marriage certificate online. I assumed you'd agree, so I found out your
social security number, and all your other details with the use of a detective,
and had you sign it too, there's no way you can get out of this marriage. Oh
and by the way, I want a baby soon after we're married, so those tired old briefs
are going in the bin
FRY: You're really starting to scare me now. I um..... I think we should break
LUCY: You can avoid me as much as you want for now honey, but under law, now
that 'you' have signed the contract, if your not at the church for our wedding,
then you'll be hunted down and executed. K?
FRY: Lucy, I think you need to think things through before you have me murdered
LUCY: Ooh, look at the time. I've got an appointment to pick out a wedding
dress. See ya honey! Oh and don't leave the country, because I can track you
down. Kiss kiss.
(She walks out, it cuts to fry bursting into the PE office, where the whole
crew is, apart from Zoidberg)
LEELA: That wasn't long. So how was your date with 'soulmate' Lucy?
FRY: Terrible! I'm getting married!
LEELA: This isn't just so she'd pick up the bill is it?
FRY: No! she didn't even do that!
LEELA: Fry, why are you getting married to her?
FRY: For some reason she's fallen in love with me. She found out all my deals
and pretended to be me and signed both of our names on an internet marriage
contract, that prevents me from getting out of the marriage! I didn't even know
FARNSWORTH: Oh my yes. It was to stop FOX making shows on famous people's ex-wives
FRY: Well I don't want to marry her yet! What do I do?!
AMY: J'uh! I can easily hack a simple internet marriage death contract. Just
lemme get on the computer
(It cuts to them all surrounding Amy, while she's on the computer)
AMY: O.k, I've withdrawn your name from the contract, now to get her banned
from the site, so she won't try it again. What's her name?
FRY: Lucy Hitler
(She types something in)
AMY: Aaaand.. she's banned. Lets do alittle research on this hitler girl, she
seems a little weird, maybe she belongs to a cult.
(She types something else in)
AMY: Hey there's a news story on her. It says she escaped from a mental bubble
three months ago!
FRY: Mental bubble?
FARNSWORTH: It was costing too much too build more asylums, what with everyone
being crazy and all, so they were just put in a straight jacket, and placed
in bubbles that orbited the earth, most of the bubbles floated into the atmasphere
and the crazy people died.
FRY: What was she in there for?
AMY: She was convicted of the murders of her postman, her electrician, her
milkman, and her operator
FRY: Seems strange
AMY: According to this court case transcription, she said her hearts were broken
by all of them. Apparently she falls in love with all people she remotely knows.
FRY: Oh my god! So that was it!
AMY: Well you don't have to get married to her, but I wouldn't go outside for
a while. This exact thing happened with all her past victims
FRY: Wow, this is like a thriller! And its usually the person who discovers
her madness that survives and is the hero!
BENDER: Nope, they always die. Its usually their brave and shiny-assed friend
who saves the day.
FRY: God I'm going to have to stay in for weeks until she's caught and just
watch tv! I'll become an idiot!
(The crew walks out of the room, except Amy who is still on the computer)
AMY: Well, better check the company e-mail
(She clicks and types some stuff)
AMY: Hey, someone sent Zoidberg e-mail, that's a first. Well, there's no harm
if I look its probably just chain-mail.
(She clicks onto his e-mail and starts to read it)
AMY: Dear Dr. Zoidberg. I was very intruiged by your ad. Could I arrnage a
meeting so I could get an appointment to 'go through the tunnel and become a
new person' Yours sincerely, Brad Losera
(Amy makes an agry face, and walks into Zoidberg's room)
ZOIDBERG: Amy! I wasn't expecting you. You look angry, pull up a rock
AMY: No, I'll stand
(The phone rings, zoidberg quickly picks it up)
ZOIDBERG: (On the phone) Oh hi...... Uncle Zoid, you saw my ad..... of how
much I miss you? You want to book an appointment? Well i'm afraid I'm all booked
up with....... Uncles until Tuesday, yes you can come then uncle. Because someone
who might take money from me is here, and i'm cleverly fooling her by making
her think you're a relative. Yes, i miss you too, bye.
(He puts down the phone)
ZOIDBERG: You were saying?
AMY: You never did tell me what was at the end of that tunnel, did you zoidberg
ZOIDBERG: Oh, just some rotting fish
AMY: Oh please! Cram it crabby! I know you're holding out on me! I read one
of you re-mails. What happens when you get to the end of that tunnel! Tell me,
or I'll get Hermes in here!
ZOIDBERG: O.k o.k. You get inside Leela's head, and if you have enough concentration,
you can control her actions a little
AMY: No way! You have got to be kidding!
ZOIDBERG: No, this is as real as my medical degree
(He smiles nervously)
AMY: This is my chance! My chance to break away from living off my parent's
fortune and being known as 'those rich guys' daughter'. Now I can make my own
fortune! I'll be famous! And I'll have enough of my own money to support me
and Kiff, so he can leave that stupid job!
ZOIDBERG: Fifty fifty?
AMY: oh right, as though I'd let you have half. We'll split it 75/25
ZOIDBERG: Wow! I'd be making even more money! You've got a deal!
AMY: Now remember, Leela must absolutely not know about this.
(Hermes sticks his head around the door)
HERMES: Zoidberg, the crew are going on an overnight mission, you need to go
with them, in case anything goes wrong
ZOIDBERG: you're trusting me with medical responsibilities?
HERMES: No, but if the ship crashes, the crew might run out of food, and.......
well, just get to the ship
(Zoidberg gets on the ship wearing his pyjamas and a night-hat)
HERMES: Your not going to sleep straight away, you salt water dolt!
ZOIDBERG: What? This is my casual wear
AMY: Bye Zoidberg have a good journey
HERMES: Don't encourage him, he'll try to be your friend next
ZOIDBERG: Yes Amy, and you have a financially profitable stay here
FARNSWORTH: Shut up valued employees! Its time for you to leave.
AMY: Well looks like I've got everything under control here. I'll be in zoidberg's
room, uhhh... cleaning it
HERMES: Its clean
AMY: Not totally
(She walks away, the ship starts to lift off)
FRY: Leela did you remember to bring my pyjamas?
LEELA: Fry, I'm not your mother, bring your own pyjamas
FRY: Oh, can I share yours?
LEELA: Just shut up fry.
(The ship flies away. It cuts to zoidberg's room, there is a large queue running
outside it, Amy helps one person into the tunnel after taking their money. Hermes
walks in the door and amy hides the money behind her back)
HERMES: Amy, don't you think this is rather a lot of visitors? And why are
they in Zoidberg's room? This place stinks of fish bones
MAN IN QUEUE: Are you here for the experience?
HERMES: The what? I work here!
MAN IN QUEUE: Hey, no cutting in line!
HERMES: Line for what? Who are you people?
AMY: I think you'd better go take a lie down Hermes
HERMES: (walking out mumbling) Labarbara has said I've been working a lot lately,
perhaps I should take a vacation or something
AMY: O.k people! No more screw ups like that, if anyone here finds out, then
NONE of you are getting the experience!
(The people all apologise and mumble quietly, Amy shows the next person into
the tunnel. It cuts to the PE ship)
LEELA: O.k, we need a new battery pack for the gear stick, I'll just go and........
(She turns around to see a crowd of people struggling out of the toilet)
LEELA: Who are all of you?!
MAN: *Gasp* Look! Its 'the experience' she's real!
LEELA: I don't know how you all got on here but you're all going to have to
WOMAN: And look! Its the metal one, and the one of many red hairs! The ones
we watch through the experience's eyes!
(They all bow down in praise)
LEELA: Bender, did you forget to set stowaway-traps again?
BENDER: I'll do it tomorrow
(There is a flash in the bathroom and another person walks out)
MAN: the experience! She's here!
LEELA: Wait a minute, I checked in there, and it was empty! How did you get
MAN: The experience, if I concentrate I can control you! Why is it only fifteen
LEELA: Your crazy! What are you doing here!
WOMAN: Look! The founder! There he stands!
(the woman points to Dr. Zoidberg, who looks around nervously)
LEELA: Zoidberg do you know what they are talking about?
ZOIDBERG: Perhaps you are a god to them? Not that I had anything to do with
MAN: What does it feel like when we're inside?
LEELA: Inside what?! I don't have any idea what you're talking about?
MAN: Inside your head of course 'Lee-la'
(Leela looks shocked and faints. It switches to at the PE offices, there is
one more customer left)
AMY: Well, your the last one, do you have an appointment?
LUCY: Oh yes, I made one with Dr. Zoidberg
AMY: O.k, and your name?
LUCY: Lucy Hitler
AMY: Hmm, sounds familiar, well, give me yourt payment and your ready to go
LUCY: (As she gives Amy the money) This is the Leela that knows Phillip isn't
LUCY: Phillip fry
AMY: Oh fry, yeah its her, make sure not to tell her if you see her
LUCY: I won't. So whats it like being the head of a big business?
AMY: Oh its great! Theres no hassle with this business, I just make Dr. Zoidberg
do all the work
AMY: so what do you do for a living?
LUCY: I'm a puppeteer, I control things
AMY: Uh, sounds........ um.... tunnels ready!
LUCY: Thank you Amy, your name will be remembered for this
(She crawls into the tunnel)
(It cuts to on the PE ship, Fry and zoidberg are fanning Leela, she wakes up
and looks around, then smiles)
LEELA: Hello Dr zoidberg
FRY: Leela! Your awake! Its me fry!
LEELA: I know who you are Phillip
FRY: Yeah, I know you do 'Toronga'
ZOIDBERG: I can explain Leela! It was all Amy's idea! I wanted to stop! Stop
the tunnel in my room that goes to Leela's head I said! But no, she said! We've
got to carry on for the money!
BENDER: We dropped all the stowaways off on a meteor, don't worry you won't
be seeing them again
FRY: Do you need anything Leela?
LEELA: Please, call me Lucy
(Fry looks at her oddly)
LEELA: Didn't you hear me properly? I said call me Lucy
FRY: Uh, are you feeling o.k Leela?
LEELA: Leela isn't my name Phillip! Now tell me why I can't get onto the marriage
contract site, huh?
FRY: Lucy..... hitler?!
LEELA: That's right Phillip, I WAS your darling fiancée, but you've
missed that chance now, you tried to escape like all the others, if I'm not
having you, no-one is!
(She picks up a fire axe from a case near the door and swings it at Fry, he
screams and dodges)
FRY: Bender! Fly back quick! Zoidberg call back home, there must be something
you can do!
BENDER: Fly? Well, O.k
ZOIDBERG: Right away sir!
LEELA: You'll be dead by the time anyone gets to you Phillip!
(She takes another swing)
FRY: Listen (dodges axe) Lucy, why don't (Dodges axe) we sit down and have
a little (Dodges axe) talk about this
LEELA: You had your chance to talk Fry!
(Back in the PE office Amy's video phone rings, she picks it up to see Zoidberg)
AMY: Zoidberg, what do you want? The last customer just went in
ZOIDBERG: Amy, you have to help! Its Lucy hitler, somehow she got in the tunnel!
AMY: Yeah I remember her, I let her in, she'd booked an appointment, why? Whats
ZOIDBERG: Did she pay?
AMY: Yeah, I think she payed a little extra
ZOIDBERG: Ooh!, how much extra?
AMY: Zoidberg, whats wrong!
ZOIDBERG: she's trying to kill fry with Leela's body for some reason!
AMY: Oh my god! Hitler! I just remembered who she was!
ZOIDBERG: Do something, that battery on this phone is runing....
(The line cuts off. Amy puts her phone down , and crawls into the tunnel. It
cuts back to the ship, where Leela(Lucy) chases Fry with an axe)
BENDER: (Laughing) Look at him run!
(Zoidberg walks out)
ZOIDBERG: I've called amy
FRY: Is she going to help?
ZOIDBERG: I don't know, but the good news is Lucy paid extra!
LEELA: Ha! That chinese bimbo can't help you now!
(It switches to inside Leela's mind, where amy appears)
AMY: Chinese bimbo huh?
(Lucy turns around, looking suprised)
LUCY: You! Well theres nothing you can do now!, I now control Everything in
(She telepathically lifts Amy up and smacks her against the wall)
AMY: You are totally dead if I've got brain juice on this sweater
LUCY: I think I'll just keep you there for now, your obviously no threat, you
were better off leeching off your parents Wong!
(Lucy laughs, Amy gets angry and suddenly spits in Lucy's face)
LUCY: Ahh! My eyes! I can't see!
AMY: You've lost control now!
( a large hole opens up in the middle of the room, it sucks Amy and Lucy through,
they appear on the ship, Lucy has fainted, amy carries her out of the bathroom)
AMY: One psycho ex-fiancée!
(Leela suddenly shakes her head and blinks)
LEELA: What happened? Amy? What are you doing here? Who's that?
AMY: Thats Lucy, its a long story
LEELA: Why, why were there people in my head?
AMY: There was a tunnel that lead to your mind
LEELA: what?! Was this your idea zoidberg?
AMY: And mine Leela
BENDER: Well, now thats over, why don't we all go into Leela's head and play
around a little
AMY: No, I'm closing the tunnel
LEELA: How? Its always gonna be there! And I'll always remember you let people
into my head!
AMY: It was kind of a mess Leela
ZOIDBERG: You can't close the tunnel! I was going to adopt my own young! What
am I going to do for a meal now?!
AMY: Zoidberg shut up
(It cuts to later at the PE office, Zoidberg and amy are in his room)
AMY: Well here's the takings for 'the experience' $80,000
ZOIDBERG: Great, now let me have my 25%
AMY: I think you know what we have to do with this money zoidberg
ZOIDBERG: Buy large amounts of food for me?
AMY: Whats your second guess?
(They walk into the lounge where Leela is sitting)
AMY: Leela, we think this money belongs to you, its the takings from your head
LEELA: My god, theres thousands of dollars there! I don't want this money,
it came from corrupting and exploiting me!
AMY: Please Leela we've cemented the tunnel shut, just take the money it belongs
LEELA: Well, I was thinking of having a second window installed, this would
definitely cover it, and I could buy the fancy pet food for nibbler! Well, I
suppose I forgive you
AMY: Thanks. Even if you were happy with the idea, I was gonna close the tunnel
down anyway, it was too dangerous with people like Lucy around, even if she
is back in ail now
(Leela hugs amy)
AMY: Ugh, with all that extra money, maybe you'll be able to buy a decent perfume
ZOIDBERG: If Nibbler doesn't like that pet food, just give me a shout.