Futurama

Fan Fiction

Blade Bender screen play draft
By Jamie T. Bentley

Blade Bender Screenplay Draft 1

Writers Jamie T. Bentley - Matt Downey - Vincent Romeo - Lee Stripp - Dan Prati

FADE IN SCENE BAR FROM BLADE RUNNER - NIGHT TIME, ARTIFICIAL LIGHTING A dark exterior is visible through the rain soaked windows of the bar, filled with weird alien creatures (the BALLOON people, for instance). The bar is obviously busy, with the BAR BENDER (bender with a moustache) serving drinks to everyone. BENDER sits near the end of the bar with a cigar in his mouth, his arms around two FLOOZY BOTS, dressed in the ALI G pimp outfit (including bling).

"STAR WARS CANTINA" can be heard playing in the background until a LAWYER bot comes in and does a "SLICING OF NECK" movement with his hand, the music then breaks into something less recognizable.

BENDER flicks his used cigar into the R2-D2 garbage can before speaking;

BENDER (DRUNKEN AND LOUD) "LADIES, LADIES, I'LL TELL YOU HOW IT REALLY WENT..."

The FLOOZY BOTS are suitably impressed by BENDER's story telling and snuggle closer.

BENDER "WE WERE OUT IN THE MIDDLE OF UNCHARTED SPACE HUNTING BRAIN SLUGS..."

 

DISSOLVE ESTABLISHING SHOT - BENDER'S SPACESHIP IN SPACE BENDER's craft flies over the camera, a huge warship of massive proportions.

 

SCENE - BRIDGE OF BENDER'S SHIP The regular lighting of the Star-Trek-Like ship suddenly goes into red-alert mode, moody and red. ZOIDBERG leaps up from his console.

ZOIDBERG (TROUBLED) "CAPTAIN, I'M RECEIVING A DISTRESS SIGNAL!"

BENDER sits in the captains chair with his feet on the command console, puffing away on a cigar. He seems highly uninterested.

BENDER (ANGRY AT THE DISTURBANCE) "SO WHAT, MEAT BAG?"

ZOIDBERG taps his claws on the console to show pictures on the vidscreen (not shown). He peruses the console in front of him before replying.

ZOIDBERG "IT APPEARS TO BE A CLASS M SPACE STATION, COMPLETELY UNGUARDED."

BENDER (PONDERING) "UNGUARDED YOU SAY..." (EVIL BENDER LAUGH)

BENDER "SOUNDS LIKE GOOD LOOTIN.. SET A COURSE, FISH STICK."

BENDER stands in an overtly dramatic manner, imitating JEAN-LUC PICARD.

BENDER (PICARD-LIKE) "ENGAGE!"

 

SCENE - EXT. FOX STUDIOS SPACE STATION The giant and menacing FOX STUDIOS SPACE STATION looms into shot as BENDER's warship arrives. The space station (a cardboard box with FOX STUDIOS written in nikko) is flapping in space, clearly half-destroyed.

 

 

SCENE - BRIDGE OF BENDER'S SHIP BENDER stands proud as captain of his ship, panels are flashing to indiciate the proximity to the space station.

BENDER "DROP THE CARGO BAY DOORS. WE NEED TO DUMP OUR USELESS CRAP FOR THE LOOT!"

 

SCENE - EXT.  BENDER'S SPACESHIP IN SPACE The cargo bay doors open on BENDER'S SPACESHIP and various crap flies out, including the coffin of PRINCESS DI, which hits a nearby meteorite on the way out.

 

SCENE - INT. DERELICT STATION CORRIDOR In an ALIENS-like corridor with little light, BENDER and ZOIDBERG walk down the corridors with bright torches. BENDER is carrying a giant CHAIN GUN for no apparent reason. ZOIDBERG looks down at a hand-held device (a motion tracker).

ZOIDBERG (PANICKY) "SOMETHING'S COMING! 10 METERS AND CLOSING!"

Out of nowhere, a MEXICAN appears, but is quickly shot dead by BENDER. The body lays limp on the floor, smoldering. BENDER bends over the corpse to "Inspect" it.

BENDER (USING SUBTERFUGE) "HE WAS.. ALREADY INFECTED"

BENDER takes the MEXICAN's wallet. As bender stands up again, a door bursts open and STEWIE GRIFFIN appears out of nowhere, pointing at BENDER and ZOIDBERG.

STEWIE (MANIACAL) "NOW IS THE WINTER OF YOUR DISCONTENT!"

STEWIE runs over toward another corridor labeled "ESCAPE PODS" and attempts to escape through an escape pod labeled "APOLLO 13" but decides not to when the door fails to open. He looks to his side to see another one labeled "CHALLENGER", he jumps in.

 

SCENE - EXT. SIDE OF SPACE STATION Camera tracks along with the escaping CHALLENGER pod, which then explodes in a giant tumbling fireball.

 

SCENE - INT. SPACE STATION CORRIDOR BENDER & ZOIDBERG appear slightly stunned by the happenings that have just occurred in front of them, and shrug it off. They keep walking.

ZOIDBERG suddenly stops and sniffs the air.

ZOIDBERG "IS THAT A FEAST I SMELL?" (BEAT) "QUICK, INTO THE GARBAGE CHUTE!"

ZOIDBERG dives into a garbage chute (ala STAR WARS) and falls out into a garbage room full of festering BRAIN SLUG eggs.

 

SCENE - INT. GARBAGE CHUTE The doors slide open casually to reveal BENDER, who has opted to take the door rather than a cramped chute. ZOIDBERG munches away greedily on eggs filled with green slime.

 

SCENE - INT. BLADE RUNNER BAR Back at the bar, ZOIDBERG puts his claw into a LOVE-TESER which jumps upto "COLD FISH". ZOIDBERG sees this as winning.

ZOIDBERG (HAPPY AND SURPRISED) "I WON!"

ZOIDBERG pulls up his hand to reveal SOCC (two wobbly eyes attached to his claw).

ZOIDBERG (TO CLAW) "SEE MISTER SOCC, I TOLD YOU I WAS ATTRACTIVE. SOCC (ZOIDBERG MUFFLING HIS VOICE) "I ALREADY KNEW THAT, MISTER ZOIDBERG. LET ME SHOW MY APPRECIATION."

ZOIDBERG looks left to right as his claw slowly goes underneath the view of the camera to where his crotch would reside. Suddenly, BENDER takes control of the scene with his FLOOZY BOTS.

BENDER (SHOUTING AT ZOIDBERG) "HEY SHUTUP I'M TRYING TO TELL A STORY HERE."

BENDER (CALMER TO THE FLOOZIES) "SO AS I WAS SAVING THE ORPHANS..."

 

SCENE - INT. BENDER'S SHIP / FUEL FURNACE BENDER is busy cramming another orphan into the furnace, once he's done he turns around to the other orphans which populate his furnace room. BENDER wipes his hands as if he's just a finished a large task.

BENDER "THAT OUGHTA BE ENOUGH FUEL TO GET TO THE ROBOT PORN PLANET... TO .. VANQUISH OUR FOES."

An orphan suddenly makes itself known by kneeling in front of bender.

MALNOURISHED ORPHAN "PLEASE SIR.. I NEED VITAMINS."

BENDER "SURE, KNOCK YOURSELF OUT."

BENDER throws a bottle of vitamins into the furnace, which is followed by several orphans following it in, to their untimely deaths.

 

SCENE - INT. BENDER'S SHIP / CORRIDOR NEAR ZOIDBERG'S QUARTERS BENDER walks down the corridor and spots ZOIDBERG's room.

BENDER "HMMM.. IT SEEMS I'VE FORGOTTEN ABOUT SOME EXTRA UN-NEEDED SPACE. [CUTS TO ZOIDBERG'S DOOR] I'D BETTER GET SOME MORE LOOT!"

 

STAR WARS-LIKE WIPE SCENE - INT. FOX STUDIOS SPACE STATION ZOIDBERG & BENDER once again walk a corridor, this time they find a prison cell where two FOX WRITERS are discussing future episodes of the SIMPSONS.

FOX WRITER 1 " I KNOW.. HOW ABOUT.. HOMER DOES SOMETHING STUPID!"

FOX WRITER 2 "NO NO WE'VE DONE THAT TOO MANY TIMES.. HOW ABOUT.. HOMER DOES SOMETHING REALLY STUPID."

FOX WRITER 1 "YEAH!"  

The FOX WRITERS high-five each other, then in a quick beat.

FOX WRITER 2 "PULL MY FINGER..."

Out of the corner of the room, previously unseen, ZAP BRANNIGAN appears.

ZAP "HEY YOU! SAVE ME! I'M TOO SEXY TO DIE HERE."

BENDER and ZOIDBERG walk over to the cell to talk with ZAP.

ZAP "WE TRAPPED OURSELVES IN HERE TO PROTECT US FROM THE BRAIN SLUGS... THEY'VE TAKEN OVER THE WHOLE STATION!"

BENDER "WE HAVEN'T SEEN ANY..."

ZAP "THEY ONLY COME OUT AT NIGHT... MOSTLY."

BENDER "ZAP BRANNIGAN, AREN'T YOU MEANT TO BE SOME SORT OF HERO?"

ZAP (CLEARLY AVOIDING SUBJECT) "I FOUGHT WITH MY MEN UNTIL THE END, UNTIL FINALLY MY WEAPON WAS DESTROYED."

Cuts to a picture of a broken board with a nail in it.

ZAP "QUICKLY, THEY'LL BE COMING SOON!"

BENDER "HMMM, IT WOULD APPEAR THESE BARS NEED BENDING OF SOME SORT.. ZOIDBERG GET TO WORK!"

Seemingly out of nowhere, ZOIDBERG lowers a welding mask and lights up an OXY TORCH and starts cutting the bars.

ZOIDBERG "YES SIR!"

BENDER sits on an unused bucket while smoking a cigar and reading pornography while ZOIDBERG works.

Suddenly, after a quick pan of the pornography (circuit diagrams), a wall collapses and two brain slugs can be seen moving their way up the corridor at slug-like speeds. ZAP breaks out of the cell and the bars tumble to the ground, ZAP and ZOIDBERG panic.

Inside the cell, a brain slug falls from the ceiling and lands on FOX WRITER 1's head.

FOX WRITER 1 (MONOTONE) " I KNOW. HOW ABOUT A MUSICAL CLIP SHOW!"

The brain slug then falls off and dies.

ZAP "THEY'RE COMING! RUN!"

BENDER stands up straight and turns away from the camera, when he turns back to face the camera, he has his CHAIN GUN.

BENDER "YOU GO AHEAD. I'LL HANDLE THIS."

ZAP and ZOIDBERG look at each other, puzzled, then run off down the corridor yelling and screaming.

BENDER nearly levels the entire area with the weapon, but fails to injure either of the tiny BRAIN SLUGS.

BENDER's weapon suddenly runs out of ammunition and he drops it, a glowing BATON unclips from the weapon as it falls and BENDER strikes an attack pose, before he leaps across the room (MATRIX RELOADED style) and then thumps a little BLACK BRAIN SLUG on the head. Squeaking like a animal toy, it then falls over dead and jiggles.

 

SCENE - INT. BLADE RUNNER BAR Back in the Blade Runner bar, one of the FLOOZY BOTS looks confused.

FLOOZY BOT 1 "BUT MISTER BENDER, WHY DID YOU HIT THE BLACK ONE?" BENDER "AHH, HE WAS CARRYING A PIECE."

 

SCENE - INT. DESTROYED CORRIDOR BENDER carefully slides his giant eight barrel cannon underneath the dead BLACK BRAIN SLUG and backs away sheepishly. He turns around to run off.

 

SCENE - EXT. BENDER'S SHIP LEAVING BENDER's ship launches off, lighting the cardboard box of FOX STUDIOS on fire.

 

SCENE - INT. BLADE RUNNER BAR BENDER sits proudly talking to his FLOOZY BOTS.

BENDER (PROUDLY) "AND THAT'S HOW I DEFEATED THE BRAIN SLUGS LADIES."

BENDER stands up to leave. The camera moves over to ZAP who is also sitting with ROBOT FLOOZIES.

ZAP "AND THAT'S HOW I DEFEATED THE BRAIN SLUGS."

The camera pans again to show KANG and KODOS with little ALIEN FLOOZIES.

KANG "AND THAT'S HOW OUR BRAIN SLUG CHILDREN DEFEATED THE BLADE BENDER!"

KANG & KODOS "MOUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA"

Camera flies over to ZOIDBERG who is looking at a lobster in a tank.

ZOIDBERG "HAVE I SEEN YOU HERE BEFORE?"

SCENE - CREDITS The STAR WARS music starts to play but the LAWYER bot walks into the shut and does the NECK SLICE movement.

TITLE "BLADE BENDER SHALL RETURN AFTER EXTENSIVE LITIGATION."

The music then switches to a porn-like funk. A small picture appears on the left labeled "BENDERSPANK.GIF" and is a low-quality looping animated gif of Bender smoking while SPANKING a ROBOT-FLOOZIES ass.

LEAD ARTIST / ANIMATOR J. T. BENTLEY

LEAD WRITER J. T. BENTLEY

ADDITIONAL WRITING MATT DOWNEY VINCENT ROMEO DAN PRATI LEE STRIPP ADDITIONAL MODELING / HD EDITING / SHADER DEVELOPMENT LEE STRIPP

VOICES VINCENT ROMEO (ZAP BRANNIGAN, ZOIDBERG) JEFFREY BAYS (BENDER, ADDITIONAL CHARACTERS)

FINAL MIX / FOLEY JEFFREY BAYS

RENDER FARM PROVIDED BY NEXTGEN STUDIOS, AUSTRALIA

SPECIAL THANKS TO FOX  

NOTE - CREDITS ARE NOT FINAL (SINCE A LOT OF PEOPLE MAY NOT WISH TO BE MENTIONED FOR LITIGATION PURPOSES)

Buddies