Fan Fiction

Deck the Halls with Boughs of Horror
By Dwayne Anderson

What goes through Fry's mind when he meets Santa Claus for the first time in "Xmas Story"? Read on to find out.

Oh boy! It's Santa Claus! My parents and brother never believed there was such a thing as Santa Claus, the man dressed in red and white, carrying a sack of toys, with a belly that shook like a bowl full of jello. There's always room for jello!

But wait! Something's not quite right! His eyebrows arch down as he laughs his famous "ho ho ho". It was then that I realized that this was not the Santa that I believed in. This was not Kris Kringle himself! As if renaming the holiday to Xmas and learning that pine trees were extinct weren't bad enough. This was not the Christmas I knew back in the twentieth century. Something like this makes me wish I had never been cyrogenetically frozen.

As he began advancing towards us, Leela and I began to back away. The way he approached us seemed to threaten us. He told us that we had both been very naughty, he checked his list. When I asked that he check it twice, he replied that he performed over fifty megachecks per second. This guy wasn't at all human! He was a computer in a robot's body! Whoever programmed this guy ought to be dragged out into the street and shot!

When he condemned us for disregarding each other's feelings, Leela replied that I had brought her a gift. But Santa merely shot back that we had disregarded the feelings of our other co-workers, especially Zoidberg. Of course I denied, but when Santa reached into his sack, my terror was replaced by delight. Oh boy! Presents!

But when he pulled out a Thompson Machine Gun, my terror returned as he opened fire. Me and Leela had no choice but to duck for cover. Soon, we were running for our lives as he rode on his sleigh by two robotic reindeer. Obviously, the people who created this killing machine didn't know Santa had eight reindeer, nine if you count Rudolph.

I pleaded for our lives, offering him milk and cookies, but he responded by throwing a christmas tree ornament at us, which we both knew was a bomb. Me and Leela ran out of the way just in the nick of time and ducked into a doorway.

We were trapped. He was coming back for us. Me and Leela embraced, saying good-bye. It was then that I noticed mistletoe above us. Our lips drew closer. If we were going to die, at least we would go out together the way we wanted. But before Leela could experience her first kiss, out of the glimpse of my eye, I saw Santa pull out a rocket launcher and fire at us. We screamed. But suddenly, Leela's birthday present, the parrot I bought her, got in the way and exploded. Feathers rained down upon us. Now was our chance! We ran away as fast as we could.

Bumping into Bender and his robotic companions, who looked like they had robbed a seniors home, it gave Santa a chance to catch up. Bender, being the dishonest liar he was, tried to blame everything he ever did in his life on Tiny Timbot. Santa of course didn't buy it and began to add it to his list. Fortunately, Santa was very slow at writing, so we took the opportunity to sneak off into the night towards safety.

We arrived at Planet Express and banged on the door. Fortunately, the others were home. As we claimed Sanctuary, two questions ran through my mind. Had we really lost Santa? And why were Amy and Hermes bald while Zoidberg wore a wig that resembled the hair of Amy and Hermes?

Unfortunately, the answer to the first question was no. We heard noises on the roof. But before we could seal the fireplace shut, Santa came down riding on his sleigh. This guy never gives up when punishing the naughty!

Santa condemned all of us for being naughty, but to our surprise, not to Zoidberg. Santa gave him a pogo stick, which Zoidberg began to bounce across the room on. We envied him.

Santa then threatened the rest of us that he would tear off our skin. Yikes! This guy obviously liked bloodshed! But killing the naughty seemed so extreme! Bender proclaimed that if we didn't believe, he couldn't hurt us, but it didn't work.

When Santa began to laugh his famous "ho ho ho", his belly began to shake like a bowl full of jello. If only it were true! One of the reindeer's nose began to blink red. Now I realized how Santa was going to kill us! He was going to blow us apart with one of his reindeer. We were doomed!

Fortunately, to our relief, Zoidberg saved the day. Clipping the wires that held the Christmas lights, he succeeded in electrocuting Santa, distracting him enough to allow Leela to kick him back into the fireplace, while the rest of us pushed his reindeer into the fireplace with him, before sealing it up. An explosion sent Santa flying out the chimney. Usually, Kris Kringle lays his finger on the side of his nose.

We all gave our thanks to Zoidberg for saving us, then celebrated with a nice christmas dinner, which turned out to my surprise, be the parrot I bought for Leela, roasted by Santa's missile. I lost my appetite, but fortunately, Nibbler ate the whole thing.

Later, we all gathered together to sing Christmas Carols. Now this is the Christmas I remember! Christmas isn't about the presents, the tree, the decorations, or even the food. It's spending time with family and friends. I can consider my co-workers my new family.

But I knew that next year, Santa would return. But for now, I'm gonna enjoy the holiday. After all, only 365 more days till the next Xmas!


The End