Futurama

Fan Fiction

Fifty Shades of Foghat Grey
By dinkdrinker

Fry and Bender walk into the Planet Express lounge, and see Amy and Leela reading a book from the stupid ages...

FRY: Hey, Leela! Whatcha reading? (Leela shushes him and waves her hand at him dismissing him) Amy? You reading the same book?

AMY: No spluh! What's it look like?

BENDER: (reads the title) 'Fifty Shades of...' aw hell! There's only ONE shade of grey that matters! FOGHAT grey, baby! (thumps himself proudly)

ANY/LEELA: SHHHHH!

FRY: So, uh Leela, I was wondering... after work...

LEELA: Fry, can't you see I'm busy?

FRY: I... I thought maybe we could...

AMY: Will you two be quiet? Can't you see we're reading, here?

BENDER: (grabs the book from Leela) let's see whatcha got here...

LEELA: Hey!

BENDER: (starts flipping through the pages rapidly) he he he.... HA! HAHAHAHAHAHA!!! You two are reading this FILTH!?

AMY: It- it's not filth!

LEELA: Yeah! (grabs the book back and holds it against her tightly) This is a wonderful literary work from the stupid ages! It's a CLASSIC!

BENDER: A classic? That's not a classic! That's smut! Hahahaha!

AMY: It is not!

BENDER: I know smut when I see it, lady!

LEELA: Bender, stop it... just because it's a bit... racy, doesn't mean it's terrible! Besides, do we bother you and mock you when YOU look at your porn?

BENDER: Well, FINE... but at least I don't pretend to be reading fine literature.

AMY: Come on Leela, let's go! (Amy and Leela walk out leaving Fry and Bender bewildered)

BENDER: Wow, I guess that crap really DOES Rodger their Hammersteins!

FRY: Aw, and I had plans tonight! I was gonna invite her to play 'Bedroom Golf'...

BENDER: More like 'Mini-putt', meatbag. (Fry just glares) No, that BOOK has got her going. You need help, and Bender is just the bot to do it.

FRY: You'll help me get to doing the horizontal Hustle with Leela tonight? Wait a minute... what's in this for you?

BENDER: (very serious) Time alone... I CAN'T STAND YOUR WHINING. And your eyes do that leaking thing like your nose does... and...

FRY: All right... fine.. are you SURE you can help me though?

BENDER: Of course! I just read that crap, didn't I? If THAT is what Leela LIKES, THAT is what YOU will GIVE Leela!

FRY: (jumps up excitedly) Hooray!

BENDER: All right. Lesson number one... You were gonna ask to play 'Bedroom Golf' right?

FRY: (sheepishly) Uh, yeah...

BENDER: WELL... have you ever played 'The Back Nine' first?

THAT NIGHT...

Leela's apartment. Fry has succeeded in wooing Leela to have a romantic evening alone, and the two have slipped into bed and have turned out the lights...

FRY: So... Leela, I was thinking of something a little... different...

LEELA: Different? (the sounds of sheets rustling and bed springs squeaking, and Leela giggles) Oh, Fry! We've never done it this way yet! He-hey wait... what are you trying to.... NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! (there is the sounds of boards breaking, glass shattering, things thrown, and Leela's battle cry above it all...)

THE NEXT DAY...

At Planet Express.

BENDER: (sitting on the sofa in the lounge, seeing Fry with his back to him) So, Casanova, how did it go last night?

FRY (turns around, and he has his nose taped, and two black eyes. One is almost swollen shut) Oh, hedo Bendeh.

BENDER: SWEET MOTHERBOARD OF MERCY! What happened!?

FRY: Bedwoom Golb wad a budst. (cries) She broge by club!

BENDER: Huh, both horns? No matter. Just stick with old Bender. This NEXT idea is a sure fire way to please her.

FRY: Really, Bendeh?

BENDER: Aw, come on, Buddy? Have I ever steered you wrong?

FRY: Ahhh, Okay, leds do dis.

BENDER: Lesson two...

FRY: Hag oda minid... by wig-dag-doo-dool ish kaput.

BENDER: Your what?

FRY: By wig-dag-doo-dool! Ish nod worgen!

BENDER: (laughs) Your WHAT?

FRY: (getting pissed) By wang! By lowwuh hord!

BENDER: HAHAHAHAHA!!! I know what you were saying, but it was just too funny not to hear it again with your broken TOP human horn!

FRY: Bendeh, hoe cad I do...

BENDER: (laughs evilly) You have OTHER body parts, chump... USE THEM...

THE NEXT MORNING...

BENDER: (sitting on the sofa chugging a beer. He see's Fry come in...) Hey coffin stuffer, how did it... OH CRAP! DO I have to bring you to Handcrafters, AGAIN!?

FRY: Bender, the ONLY good thing that happened was the swelling in my face went down. I can talk again.

BENDER: Not enough though- yer STILL ugly. (looks at Fry's mangled hands) Geez, I thought THAT idea would work for SURE... huh. For a kinky broad that reads that smut, I thought that would do it. Oh Waaaaiiit (giggles) That's RIGHT, they DIDN'T use hands... heheheh...

FRY: BENDER! Aw, man! Just loan me the money you stole from me back, so I can get a new set of hands! We have a crap-ton of deliveries today!

BENDER: (sighs) Come ON, not like with no paws you can do this by yourself. Man, she was really rough on you last night, wasn't she?

FRY: Geez, you have no idea... I think by the end, she was actually enjoying it, in a sadistic way.

BENDER: Enjoy, you say? (laughs evilly) This gives old Bender an idea that is guaranteed to spice it up.

FRY: I... I dunno...

BENDER: Aww, come on, Buddy, no one wants to see you and One-eye in some Chesterfield Rugby more than old Bender. And the 17 million 'up votes' on the last set of pics, agrees!

FRY: Wh-what!?

BENDER: Nothing- let's go get your hands done, and we'll stop by the leather shop, and the hardware store.

FRY: What for?

BENDER: Your next lesson, that's what!

LATER THAT DAY...

The end of the workday arrives, and Leela and Fry are leaving Planet Express...

LEELA: Look it, Fry, I love you, I really do, but what has gotten INTO you the last few nights?

FRY: I guess I just wanted to...

LEELA: I just want you to calm down, tiger! I love you for who you ARE, and NOT who you have BECOME the last few days. I'll be honest with you, I was thinking of breaking up if you kept this crap going...

FRY: NO, Leela! Please! I just wanna...

LEELA: (puts a finger over Fry's mouth and shushes him) And I just wanna spend some time ALONE with the man I love. Can we just PLEASE try to do something...

FRY: Oh! OH! I got something that I KNOW you'll like!

LEELA: (skeptical) Oookaaay...

LATE THAT NIGHT AT TACO BELLEVUE HOSPITAL...

BENDER: Oh, thank your god you made it Professor. I don't understand it! Last I knew, Fry went to Leela's so they could 'climb Mount Pork-o-lay-a', and the next thing I knew, she threw him on my doorstep, telling him that they're through!

PROFESSOR: Where is my uncle?

BENDER: (points at a doctor) The quack here will take us to what's left of him...

PROFESSOR: Oh my, and I forgot my organ harvesting kit. Very well, let's go...

The doctor brings them into a room where they find Fry heavily bandaged and casted over his entire body...

DOCTOR: … and we did manage to remove the bull whip that was tied around his neck. The 50 foot of chain was a bit more difficult...

PROFESSOR: Chain? Where was that?

DOCTOR: (shifts around uncomfortably) It, was shoved up his...

BENDER: (laughing) 'Rectum'? Damn near KILLED 'um!

FRY: (crying) L-le-lela LEFT ME! NOTHING you came up with HELPED Bender! I was so much better off before!

BENDER: Eh, whatever.

FRY: I don't wanna go on without my Leela! I wanna die!

PROFESSOR/BENDER: DIBS!

BENDER: (slaps the Professor) OH NO YOU DON'T!

PROFESSOR: (pulls out a 'robo-destabilizer' pistol) MY Uncle, MY organs!

BENDER: BRING IT ON, OLD FART!

DOCTOR: (screams as Bender and the Professor fall to the ground in a scuffle) SECURITY!!!

EVEN LATER THAT NIGHT, AT THE POLICE STATION...

Amy and Leela show up to post bail.

AMY: I SWEAR if I ever have to post your bails AGAIN...

PROFESSOR: Now, let me get this straight, Bender, YOU were giving ideas to FRY, on how to spice up his...

LEELA: OH LORD, NO. Bender, you didn't!

BENDER: (lights a cigar as everyone steps outside) Eh, maybe... did what?

PROFESSOR: He gave him romance ideas from some STUPID AGES SMUT BOOK! (Amy and Leela suddenly 'get it' and look at each other nervously) He thought it would... I don't even WANT to know what he thought.

AMY: (pulls the book out of her purse) Uh, Professor, I think THIS may explain...

PROFESSOR: (looks at it and shrieks) OH LORDY LOU AND THE ROBOT DEVIL, TOO! Give me that! We were WARNED about that story in my historical porn class in college, by my old Professor, the Marquis De Sade's head! It's EVIL! EVIL, I tell you!

LEELA: I... I should have known...

PROFESSOR: You SHOULD give Fry another chance! And BENDER! NO MORE raunchy or S/M ideas to Fry, got it?

BENDER: (Sees an angry Leela, AND the Professor with his pistol) Got it! I PROMISE! No more raunchy or S/M ideas!

A FEW WEEKS LATER, AT PLANET EXPRESS...

PROFESSOR: (walks into the lounge, sipping a Exlax soda) Good news... no one? (looks around and remembers the crew already left for the day) Oh well. Their imminent deaths can wait until tomorrow, oh, yes! (he trips on a small cardboard box next to the sofa) Oof! I think I broke my foot! What is this? Oh NO! Stupid ages books? So THIS is where Amy and Leela are keeping them! And, UGH! Look at these titles! We are NOT going though THAT again! There is only one thing for a man of science to do... (the scene changes to the Professor outside in the lot next to Planet Express. He is standing next to a burn barrel) THERE! Best burn these, before Amy and Leela read them... or worse yet, BENDER comes up with MORE stupid ideas for Fry!

The scene pans over to the balcony of Planet Express, where Bender and Fry are standing...

FRY: Bender, tell me again, just WHY am I covered in glitter, and all sparkly?

BENDER: (holding a copy of 'Twilight') Shut up, Fry- this is a SURE FIRE way to win Leela's heart back! Now vampires can FLY, right? (he pushes Fry off the balcony, and he lands with a sickening thud) You forgot to flap yer arms!

FRY: Can I please try being the werewolf next? AFTER I heal?

THE END

Buddies