Futurama

Fan Fiction

Oh Xmas Tree
By dinkdrinker

SCENE: The closing days of November... after Thanksgiving, but before December first. Fry and Leela are in Leela's apartment bedroom... finding 'creative ways to keep warm'...

FRY: Leeeeelaaaaa.... (giggles) oooh... ooh right theeere....

LEELA: Fry... did, did you hear something?

FRY: Just my heart beating a mile a minute!

A faint knocking can be heard.

LEELA: There it is again!

FRY: Where is what? I didn't hear anything, baby!

LEELA: Oh, you're probably right- it's probably next door... now where were WEEEEE! Phillip! Oooooh.... F-f-frrrrrrrrrry... (Leela stops and listens... again, knocking can be heard) DAMN IT! There it is again!

FRY: Leela! Oh, come oooon!

LEELA: (sees the 'look' on Fry's face and relents) oh... OK! Let's finish what we started!

Leela and Fry are just about to 'finish', unheard over their vocals, a key is put in a deadbolt lock, and a door is opened...

MUNDA: Kids! We're here!

MORRIS: We used your key you left us- hope you don't mind.

LEELA/FRY: AAAAAHHH!!! (they cover themselves with the bed covers)

MUNDA: (looks into the bedroom) Oh there you- OH MY GOD! (shields her eye with a tentacle) What are you two doing!? You knew we were coming over!

MORRIS: Heh heh- you KNOW what they were doing, and they obviously FORGOT we were coming... don't mind us, Princess- keep working on our grandchild.

MUNDA: MORRIS! (drags him off away from view)

MORRIS: What did I do now, sweetie-kins?

LEELA: Oh God oh God oh God- put your CLOTHES on, Fry!

A FEW VERY EMBARASSED MOMENTS LATER...

Leela and Fry are now fully clothed, and are in the living room with Munda and Morris.

MORRIS: So...

LEELA: So? What, Dad?

MORRIS: So... how are you two? (Leela and Fry squirm in their seats)

MUNDA: MORRIS!

MORRIS: Aw, come on! I'm only teasing! Besides, they are two consenting adults. So, you two obviously forgot we were coming over?

LEELA: I can honestly say yes. I can't remember when I invited you...

MUNDA: Oh! It was last year, at the Thanksgiving party- shortly after you plastered Fry, and got him and the guys to do the dishes.

LEELA: L-last YEAR?

MORRIS: And we'll stay on the surface right through Xmas with you!

LEELA: That's almost a full month!

FRY: Aw, come on! This can be fun, Leela!

LEELA: I suppose it could be worse... (a loud knocking is heard at the door) Coming! (Leela opens the door to see a rather bored looking, middle aged bureaucrat. With him, are Tinny Tim, and Sally.

BUREAUCRAT: Ms. Turanga? I'm with Big Brothers/Bots/Sisters... you and a Mister Fry volunteered to be in our program?

LEELA: (wary) Yeees?

BUREAUCRAT: GOOD. Here they are. They have a little over a month supplies with them. I'll be back to pick them up after New Years.

LEELA: After NEW YEARS!? What the... (sees the kids, and holds her tongue) Ugh! We were told this would be only day long sessions!

BUREAUCRAT: Day long? (looks at his papers) Nope. Month. If you care to challenge, we...

LEELA: (turns to the kids) No offense, kids, but (turns back to the bureaucrat) YES!

BUREAUCRAT: Fine... fine. I'll get right on it... should take no longer than a year or two...

LEELA: A YEAR OR... uh... see ya around New Years! (she grabs Tinny Tim and Sally, drags them inside, and slams the door in the bureaucrat's face.)

TINNY TIM: He... still had our belongings. (sighs) Oh dear.

FRY: It could be worse, Leela!

LEELA: Fry... SHUT UP. (turns to Tinny Tim and Sally) So, what would you two like to do today?

TINNY TIM: A new rucksack and belongings would be nice... then perhaps we can look at all the new holiday window displays?

SALLY: Ooh! Let's do something Xmas-sy!

TINNY TIM: Oh, yes, lets, please!

LEELA: Well, we can go to the shopping mall, and beg the Mall Robot Santa for mercy...

MUNDA: Leela, honey! Kids could care less about seeing Robot Santa! Take them to the toy store!

MORRIS: We can sing Xmas carols!

FRY: Oh! We can go and cut down an Xmas tree! We are gonna need an Xmas tree for all of us here!

TINNY TIM/SALLY: YAY! An Xmas tree! An Xmas tree!

LEELA: Huh- all right. An Xmas tree it is! I think I know where the Professor's laser axe still is...

FRY: No, Leela! I wanna do this!

LEELA: Fry, I am NOT gonna trust you with a laser axe!

FRY: No! I can do it with out a laser axe!

LEELA: (scoffs) How can you cut down an Xmas tree without a laser axe!?

FRY: A SAW!

LEELA: (shocked) A saw!? You mean one of those stupid ages tools that...

MUNDA: Is that how YOUR dad got your Xmas trees, Fry?

FRY: Nah- he usually just had a flashlight and stole one from the corner Good Will lot, late at night... uh, never mind!

MORRIS: Huh, yours too?

FRY: Seriously, Leela! I can do this!

LEELA: All right, but why would you need a saw to take a tree from the Good Will lot?

MORRIS: I got a flashlight.

FRY: No, no, no! We're gonna go to a tree farm, and cut one down! And Look! I found something SPECIAL on the Internet! (shows them a tablet, and Leela instinctively covers it to keep little eyes from seeing it)

LEELA: FRY!

FRY: No, Leela! Not that! We already looked at that! (Leela blushes) See? A tree farm north of here... and they sell very rare and very REAL Xmas trees... like from MY TIME! (Fry shows them the web page, and everyone oohs and aahs)

SALLY: Oh, it's pretty!

TINNY TIM: I think I seen a fossil of one, once! It said 'MADE IN CHINA' on it!

MUNDA: Oh, Fry! Aren't the newly cloned evergreens still considered endangered?

LEELA: Mom's right, Fry. We can't just go and cut down an endangered tree for Xmas! Besides, have you seen their PRICES!? WOW. I mean, come on! We'll be paying for an endangered tree! That is NOT cheap! Even Amy's family would balk at some of these prices...

FRY: (pulls out the Professor's Planet Express Credit Card, and laughs) You were saying about PRICE? Now who wants an old fashioned Christmas Xmas tree?

SALLY: YAY!

TINNY TIM: Oh, yes please!

MUNDA: It would be nice to see how Fry celebrates, Leela...

MORRIS: Eh, sure. Why not?

LEELA: Well, there it is- Democracy in action, and I lost.

FRY: What does that mean, Leela?

LEELA: (sighs) It means we're gonna max the Professor's card, and get an endangered fir tree for Xmas.

SCENE: Aboard the Planet Express ship, a few hours later. Leela is piloting it to the tree farm in upstate NNY...

LEELA: All right, Fry, keep an eye out for that farm! We need to return the ship before the Professor wakes up from his nap!

FRY: Should be easy- you'll smell them, too...

Suddenly, the tree farm appears over the horizon, and slowly everyone smells the scent of fresh pine.

MORRIS: What is...

MUNDA: Do you smell that?

SALLY: It smells exactly like the air freshener they use in the locker room at school!

TINNY TIM: Indeed it does!

FRY: (Laughs) Yeah, they do! Okay, Leela- there's the parking lot! Take her in, and lets go cut us an old fashioned Xmas tree!

LEELA: (landing the ship) All right, here we are. Now Fry, do you have everything you need? Did you print out all the info?

FRY: You bet! The prices, as well as the vital information!

MORRIS: Vital information?

FRY: Yeah! (reads) 'How to choose the height of the tree? Three times the height of your smallest child... Six inches longer than can possibly fit in your vehicle... One foot taller than your tallest ceiling... Never think of the height, just buy it!'

LEELA: Fry... I don't think they were serious...

FRY: Now... Leela, who's shorter? Tinny Tim or Sally?

TINNY TIM: I am, Mr. Fry.

FRY: Hmmm, OK- Tim's about a meter, so there's three meters, your ceilings are 8 foot, right?... How long is the Planet Express ship, Leela? Man, this is confusing!

LEELA: Fry, NO.

MORRIS: Now come on, Princess, you don't want a tree that's too short!

Leela just glares and pulls out a tape measure from her coat pocket.

FRY/MORRIS: Ooooh. Yeah. Good idea!

The group exits the ship, and is met by a greeter, who gives them a map of the farm, and prices for trees/height.

GREETER: Hi! Welcome to Ellms' Xmas Tree farm...

FRY: (confused) No! Evergreens!

GREETER: Uuuuh... I'm Connor Ellms... welcome to my family's tree farm....

FRY: Oooh! NOW I get it!

GREETER: (shows them points of interest on the map) Here you can find the different trees in the field, as well as the refreshment stand where complimentary hot cocoa, mulled oil, and candy canes are given out. Here you can find each different tree we have, displayed side by side, to help with your decision on the right tree for you, and here is where you can take the hover trolley ride out into the fields with your kids to find your perfect stupid ages Xmas tree!

LEELA: (takes the map) Thank you, Connor. (turns to Fry, as they start to walk toward the pick up point) Now Fry, are you POSITIVE you know what you're doing?

FRY: Aw, come on! Have a little faith in me, Leela!

MUNDA: (puts a tentacle around Fry and gives him an affectionate squeeze) I'm sure you'll be fine, honey.

MORRIS: He'll do great! Just you watch!

LEELA: Well... okaaay...

FRY: (smugly) Now come on, and get the kids on the hover trolley for the ride out into the field, and you can watch a MASTER at work! (he twirls the saw around on his finger and hits himself in the head) Ooof! Oh geez, shoulda kept the blade guard on...

LEELA: Oh, Lord. Come on kids- they trolley is here- hop on.

TINNY TIM/SALLY: YAY! A hover-trolley ride! (they run up to and hop onto the trolley, and excitedly take a seat on a bale of hay)

MUNDA: (takes a seat next to the children, as Morris takes one on the other side of them) So, Fry. How many times have you cut down an Xmas tree?

FRY: (Using his mitten to wipe up the blood on his head) Uh, actually, this is my FIRST attempt! But don't anybody worry! I've seen how it's done plenty of times in movies!

MORRIS: If you can't trust a movie, what can you trust?

The hover-trolley takes them on a ten minute ride on a meandering path through newly cloned and older cloned trees. Each field is marked with a sign coordinated with a key on the map, telling the variety of tree, and approximate heights. As it stops at the station, people with their newly cut trees have them tagged and placed in the back of the trolley, and wait their turn to board, as the newly arrived people exit. Stepping out into the cold air, Leela grabs a tree cart, and puts Sally and Tinny Tim on it, and gives them a ride out to the field. A helper stops Fry...

HELPER: Excuse me sir, do you need an axe? (he hands Fry a complimentary laser axe)

FRY: No thanks! I brought my own! An old antique SAW! (shows them his old, rusty bow saw)

HELPER: (eyes widen in shock) Good luck with that!

FRY: (running to catch up) Leela! Wait! The Scotch Pines are over there!

LEELA: (yelling back at him over her shoulder) No, we decided on Fraser Fir, before we even got here!

MORRIS: I... I thought Concolor Fir...

MUNDA: Can we look at Balsam, too?

FRY: (panting, now caught up to the rest) But, I...

LEELA: No. Fraser Fir. Seven feet tall, tops.

FRY: We never had a FRASER fir before! Can, can we possibly compromise?

MUNDA: Leela, darling, maybe you can find something you both like?

LEELA: All right Fry- like what?

FRY: Uh, gee, how about a Blue Spruce...

MORRIS: Blue? Aren't stupid ages Xmas trees supposed to be green?

FRY: How 'bout a Douglas Fir?

LEELA: Ugh! NO! Never liked that name.

FRY: (sighs) Fine. Fraser it is.

TINNY TIM: (hops off the cart and runs up to a tree about the same height as himself. It is perfect in every way but it's height) Oh, how quaint! I think this one can do...

LEELA: It's beautiful, but a bit short, we can keep looking.

SALLY: (runs up to a beautiful specimen, but is obviously much too tall) Oh! Miss Leela! Look!

LEELA: Sorry, sweetie, that would never fit in my apartment.

MUNDA: Leela? Fry? (points to a tree)

LEELA: Not very conical, is it?

MORRIS: This one? (he is standing next to a half dead tree with huge gaps between the branches)

FRY: Wow! Even Charles Schultz would have pity on THAT tree! How about THIS one?

LEELA: Hmm, it's okay... a little wide at the bottom, isn't it? I like THIS ONE...

ABOUT 45 'FUN FILLED' MINUTES LATER, IN A WET SNOW STORM...

MUNDA: (muttering) Oh for the love of gravy, Fry, just agree with her, so we can get something warm in us...

FRY: (at another tree) Leela! Look!

LEELA: (still at the same tree she picked) No.

FRY: (at yet another tree) Okay- seven foot tall, not too wide, perfectly conical, no gaps...

LEELA: Color's off. I want THIS ONE.

MORRIS: Fry, son, do yourself a favor. Just cut down the tree SHE picked.

FRY: But I want...

MORRIS: You want my daughter to ever give you what she was giving you, when we came over...

FRY: (eyes bug out, and runs over to Leela) All right! You win!

LEELA: (smiles smugly in victory) Okay, kids, we picked our Xmas tree.

TINNY TIM/SALLY: YAY!

FRY: (gets down on the ground to start cutting the trunk) All right- this should take no time at all! (starts cutting, and realizes the tree has grown on the side of a slight hill, and his cut will take the blade of the saw into the dirt on the other side of the trunk. He decides to keep sawing anyway) Uh... crap. Hang on... damn it! Now I think the saw is stuck on a rock or something... (yanks hard on the saw, and it dislodges a rock and it gets flung into his eye) OW! Ugh... lemme try the OTHER side... (starts cutting from the opposite side. His mitten slips off the saw and he punches the tree) OWIE!

LEELA: No time at all, huh Fry? We're getting cold and wet here, in this snow storm!

FRY: You're cold and wet? I'm lying under a tree in snow and dirt that has now become mud! And... aw come on! The blade is stuck in the trunk! I think the tree is starting to lean, and it pinched the blade... (goes to yank it out, as Morris comes over and gently pulls back on the tree, releasing the blade...just as Fry grabbed it and yanked) AAAAUUGH!

LEELA: Fry?

FRY: Uh, It's okay-I don't think it'll need stitches... ruined my mitten though! Damn it.

LEELA: Fry, the mitten was ruined when you wiped the blood off of your face. We'll get you a new pair. Just cut down the damned tree.

FRY: (grunts) All right- almost done. All right, Dad, don't pull back so hard, I wanna make sure I cut it...

MORRIS: Oh? Sorry. (lets go and the tree falls on top of Fry) Good job, Fry!

FRY: (sputtering and kicking his legs from under the tree) Help! I'm getting needled to death, and covered in pitch!

LEELA: (picks up the tree one handed, no problem, and gently places it on the cart, so as not to break any branches) Our hero. Come on, we're all freezing! You take the tree back. I'm taking the kids and Mom and Dad back for refreshments- we'll see you there.

FRY: Aw, man! This is NOT the way it's supposed to happen! (takes the cart handle and starts trudging back with the tree) I wanted everyone to enjoy themselves. I guess the worst is over now... (trips over a previously unseen tree stump) OW! My ankle!

LEELA: (calling back over her shoulder) See you at the Refreshment barn!

ANOTHER FORTY FIVE MINUTES LATER...

Fry hobbles into the Refreshment barn, and finds Leela, Munda, and Morris sipping coffee and cocoa, Sally happily crunching a candy cane, and Tinny Tim blissfully sipping his hot mulled oil.

FRY: Oh, finally! THERE you guys are! I am so looking forward to some nice hot cocoa, and...

LEELA: THERE he is! Everyone ready to leave now?

FRY: But... but, Leela, I...

LEELA: We really need to get going! We have to get the ship back to Planet Express. Sorry, Fry, but we're pressed for time. Let's go, everyone!

FRY: Oh... oh all right. I mean, I am scratched up, battered, bloodied, and bruised, AND totally covered in pine pitch, but it's totally worth it to see all your smiling faces.

LEELA: (smiles and kisses him) Yes, you did great. The kids had a blast! So... what was the damage? (Fry whispers in her ear) HOLY CRAP! THAT much!? The Professor is sure to feel THAT one come on!

Cut to Planet Express- the Professor suddenly is jolted out of a deep sleep.

PROFESSOR: OH LORDY LOU! WHAT WAS THAT!? Whatever it was, it felt expensive! (immediately falls back asleep)

Cut back to the tree farm...

LEELA: So, everything is all set?

FRY: All set!

LEELA: Tree is in the ship?

FRY: (Quite pleased with himself) Tree is in the ship.

LEELA: Got a stand for it?

FRY: (blank stare)... Aw, snap! Be right back!

LATER- AT LEELA'S APARTMENT...

FRY: (puts the tree down) There! We made it back to your place, and we never woke the Professor- he'll never know we took the ship!

LEELA: Yeah- we got real lucky. All right. Dad? Can you help Fry with the tree, while Mom and I tell you if it's straight or not?

FRY: (smiles) No need!

SALLY: Mr. Fry, why is there a hole drilled into the bottom of the tree?

FRY: THAT is why there is no need! Behold! (he takes a strange tree stand with a spike in the center out of a bag, assembles it, shoves the spike in the tree's hole, and tilts the tree upright.) There! DONE!

LEELA: That's... that's incredible, Fry! It's perfect!

FRY: So... I... I did good?

LEELA: You did great!

MUNDA: I'll say! All right, who wants to help me get some water for the tree?

TINNY TIM/SALLY: ME! ME! (they run off to the kitchen with Munda)

LEELA: (gives Fry a hug and a kiss) You did much better than I thought! The tree does add a nice clean scent. And that stand? Simply incredible. Took less than 10 seconds! I'm afraid to ask... how much more was THAT? (Fry whispers in her ear)

Cut to Planet Express- The Professor wakes up suddenly again, this time clutching his chest...

PROFESSOR: Oh! Dear God One AND God Two! The pain! Where are my nitro tablets?

Cut back to the apartment...

MORRIS: Well, kids, should we get out the decorations?

MUNDA: Perhaps we should wait until the kids are ready? (Tim and Sally come back in, and carefully pour water into the tree stand)

LEELA: Maybe tomorrow? Besides, Fry needs a shower, and to tend to his wounds... we still have time before Xmas. Let's just relax and laugh about today's happenings?

FRY: Heh-heh- yeah... what was so funny that happened today?

SCENE: a time lapse of the following weeks of everyone decorating the tree and the apartment, going shopping, and other winter/Xmas activities. Fry is pretty much healed up, and Leela has some more plans for their holiday...

LEELA: Mom, Dad? Do you think you could possibly take Tim and Sally out for a few hours? Maybe see the caroling vagrant band in the park or something?

MORRIS: Oh- do you two need to wrap some of their presents?

LEELA: (blushes) more like unwrap something...

FRY: I don't get it...

LEELA: You will!

MUNDA: MORRIS! Grab the little ones!

MORRIS: But Sewer-plum! Why do we need...

MUNDA: (whispers) Grand kids, Morris! Grand kids!

MORRIS: Oooooh... COME ON SALLY! TIM! Who wants to see the 'Zombie Jesus Xmas Spectacular on Ice' at the Garden?

LEELA: Oooooh, Frrrry! (drags him into her bedroom as her parents leave with the kids) I've got an early Xmas present for you!

FRY: (giggles) Oh goody! Can I unwrap it now?

LEELA: Yes you can, and it's not an 'it'... it's ME. And you'd BETTER unwrap me- NOW. (she lunges at him, covering him in kisses)

FRY: Oh yeah, Merry Xmas to me! (helps Leela get undressed)

LEELA: (blushes as the last article of her clothing slinks off her body to the floor) Merry Xmas Fry... you know you have a few hours to do WHATEVER you want with me!

FRY: As long as your parents don't come back too early, I plan on giving YOU an Xmas present too! (he guides her to the bed, and starts to cover her with kisses all over. Just then, the phone rings) Oh, come ON!

LEELA: (frustrated) Don't stop Fry! Not NOW!. Let the answering machine get it! Pleeeease!

PROFESSOR: (on the answering machine) Pick up the damned phone! I KNOW you two are there! Stop sharing your DNA and answer now! I just got my credit card statement!

LEELA: (quick pulls the sheet over Fry and herself, and reluctantly answers the phone) Hello, Professor.

PROFESSOR: Where is that dolt boyfriend of yours? I KNOW he charged that tree and stand on my card!

FRY: (sheepishly comes up from deep under the sheets) Uh, Hi, Professor...

PROFESSOR: What were you doing down... ooh... (shudders). LISTEN, you two! I don't CARE what you are doing, or what you say! You need to get to Planet Express this instant! THIS INSTANT! (slams down the phone and hangs up)

FRY: Oh man oh man oh man!

LEELA: (quick throwing her clothes back on) We are so totally boned!

FRY: And it's not even the good kind! He's gonna KILL us!

MOMENTS LATER AT PLANET EXPRESS...

LEELA: (running toward the lab) Come ON Fry! If we're lucky, we may only get away with docked pay until the charges are paid for!

FRY: Sorry, Leela! I can't run that fast- I think I may have put my underwear on backwards... and maybe inside out...

LEELA: (runs into the lab, where the Professor is waiting for them) You wanted to see us, Professor?

PROFESSOR: WHERE IS MY UNCLE?

FRY: (sneaks in) Uuh, hello, Professor...

PROFESSOR: FRY, you ignorant dolt! How COULD YOU!?

FRY: Well, it was quite easy, really... you were asleep, so I took your credit card...

PROFESSOR: And you went and bought an outrageously priced Xmas tree and stand for yourselves!? How COULD YOU! I trusted you with that card...

LEELA: Professor, we'll make it up to you- we promise!

PROFESSOR: Damned skippy, you will! How could you go and buy an Xmas tree for YOURSELVES... (reaches into his labcoat, and Fry and Leela scream. He pulls out another credit card) and not get one for Planet Express, hmm? Now be good little employees and get us a nice palm tree, will you? (shuffles off talking happily to himself)

LEELA: (looks at Fry) Well THAT went better than expected. Looks like we have to go get a tree...

FRY: Whew! I think we'll skip the saw this time!

LEELA: (giggles) Yeah! I think I might trust you a little more with the laser axe...

LATER- at a 31st century Xmas tree farm...

FRY: Are you SURE you trust me with this?

LEELA: You earned it, Fry! Besides, this is much quicker, and we may even have time to get home and finish up what we started before Mom and Dad get back with the kids.

FRY: YES! All right- lemme show you how a REAL man uses an axe! (he starts swinging the axe like a traditional axe, and starts chopping the tree)

LEELA: FRY! What in Robot Hell are you doing? That's not how you use it!

FRY: Sure it is! It's the TRADITIONAL way to... (a wood chip flies up and hits him in the eye) AAAH! Damn it! (holds his eye, and grins at Leela) Well... it could be worse...

LEELA: Oh, Fry! DON'T say that!

FRY: Well, I suppose a... (a coconut falls from the tree and hits him on the head) OWIE OW OW OW!!!

LEELA: (facepalms) Lord... here we go again...

END

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