Futurama

Fan Fiction

Puritan's Prude
By dinkdrinker

The Professor comes shuffling into the conference room, holding a few leafs of loose paper...

PROFESSOR: Good news, everyone! And by everyone, that even includes Scruffy!

ZOIDBERG: What about Zoidberg?

PROFESSOR: What ABOUT Zoidberg... (looks through the papers) ah, yes, you too!

ZOIDBERG: Hooray!

LEELA: SO, Professor, what hair-brained, death defying mission are you sending us on now?

PROFESSOR: Oh, no death defying mission at all... oh my, no!

HERMES: It's worse, mon... it's a fan fic! (everyone groans)

FRY: Eh, we've been in some real crappy ones. How bad can it be?

PROFESSOR: It's one of Dinkdrinker's. (everyone complains loudly)

LEELA: There is NO WAY IN HELL I'm doing another one of that fat pervert's stories! In his last one, had me expose myself, and use my body for cheap laughs and thrills!

SCRUFFY: Scruffy wouldn't have complained...

AMY: Second.

BENDER: Third! Hehehehe.

PROFESSOR: Well, he IS paying us all double the standard fan fic rate...

LEELA: (snaps the papers out of the Professor's hands) Let me see his damned script. Just what sick, demented, or perverted stuff is he gonna have us do now? I've read ahead, And I am NOT thrilled with the upcoming holiday fics...

HERMES: (hands out scripts to the rest of the crew) Actually, nothing sexual or perverted at all.

BENDER: WHAT!? This is a travesty! I demand at least 10% pervy!

SCRUFFY: Second.

AMY: Third.

LEELA: Nothing sexual at all? This I gotta see to believe...

FRY: Aw, man, I suppose there's always next time...

LEELA: Shut the hell up, Fry. (reads the script) Oh Lord. Really!? I think I'm gonna be sick...

ZOIDBERG: Hooray! A patient!

LEELA: Cram it, Zoidberg. (reads some more) He... he CAN'T be serious!

FRY: What's the matter? It's not supposed to be pervy... is it?

LEELA: (face palms) No, no it's not... it's quite the opposite. We're all PURITANS. (a horrified gasp escapes everyone's mouths)

FRY: Puritans? Like the cooking oil, or the vitamins?

PROFESSOR: Fry you dope! THE Puritans! The strict, religious sect that came to North America for religious freedom, and to escape the debauchery that riddled Europe.

FRY: Ooooh, like the oatmeal guy...

HERMES: That's a Quaker, you idiot! Now, as an added surprise, Kif and my wife will be in this with us, and they will be handing out our outfits...

KIF: (comes in with LaBarbara, pushing a rack of costumes) Amy, my love! We will be playing a husband and wife! Here is your costume! (he hands her a long dress, that covers her from the neck down)

AMY: I have to wear THIS!? Oh well, maybe if I dye it and use some makeup, I can make it work...

PROFESSOR: Sorry, Amy- these costumes can not be changed, and the Puritans were opposed to make up.

AMY: Perfume?

HERMES: Oh, my, no!

AMY: (Grabs Kif, and shakes him) Kill me! Kill me NOW!

LABARBARA: Scruffy, you will be the settlement's Minister.

SCRUFFY: Marmalade!

PROFESSOR: Now, Scruffy, the Minister is a very important role! Oh, by the way, what do you know about John Calvin?

SCRUFFY: What movie was he in?

HERMES: You'd better study hard, mon.

SCRUFFY: (holds up his costume, scrutinizing it) There'd better at least be a witch trial... un-huh.

KIF: Fry, your costume...

FRY: (holds it up) Heh heh... look at my funny hat!

LEELA: Fry, please! You're going to make this difficult, playing the part of my husband in this, aren't you?

LABARBARA: (hands Leela her costume) Your husband? (laughs) Oh no, girl! He's not your husband!

LEELA: He-he's not? Then... who is?

PROFESSOR: No one, I'm afraid. As the only other single male human, I of course volunteered, but was denied.

HERMES: And the wife and I are playing the roles of the Governor and his wife, so it can't be me.

ZOIDBERG: Oh! Leela! I promise I will be a very loving...

KIF: Sorry, Dr. Zoidberg. But you have a very important role with Bender! (hands him his costume)

BENDER: Why does my costume constitute water, veggies, and some logs to sit on?

ZOIDBERG: You think your costume is weird, ro-but... (holds up a lobster trap)

LABARBARA: Does everyone have their costumes now? Good!

PROFESSOR: Huzzah! Everyone dress up! It's time for...

PURITANS' PRUDE

SCENE: a ragged, barren coastline. A bit off shore, inland, a small settlement can be seen, consisting of some very ancient looking 15th century homes. A bitter, late autumn wind whips through, and storm clouds fill the sky. The meager harvest is done, and the citizens of the settlement are preparing for a long bleak winter...

HERMES: As your appointed Governor, me thinks it wise as to beseech the All mighty in prayer for all that he hast done and... (aside to Labarbara) Do I really have to talk like this? It's stupid, mon!

LABARBARA: (aside to Hermes) Husband! If we all do, than you do, too!

HERMES: (Sighs) Let us bring our supplication before the Lord... (motions to Scruffy, who opens a Bible)

SCRUFFY: May our supplication go before the All mighty... (looks at the Bible quizzically as to where the pictures are) Uhh...

HERMES: (whispers to Scruffy) I know, his script sucks! He didn't give you any verses to read! Just pick something!

SCRUFFY: Uhhh...let us start at the beginning, shall we?... 'And Adam knew his wife and...' (stops) Oh, me thinks that mine scripture of choice ist not thy best one... (Amy and Labarbara giggle)

AMY: Oh, husband! Me thinks that thou hast some knowledge of me to delve into later...

FRY: Shush! Stick to the story! I wanna see where this goes!


A COUPLE DOZEN ATTEMPTS LATER...

SCRUFFY: Hrrmm, Fill-i-pie-ans 4:6 looks good...

KIF: (sighs, disgustedly) FINE... and it's pronounced Fi LIP e-ans!

SCRUUFY: Huh, whaddya know... so next yer all gonna tell Scruffy 'Puh Sallms' isn't pernounced....

LABARBARA: (mutters) Just read the scripture!

AMY: 'Be careful for nothing; but in every thing by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God.' (everyone stares at her in disbelief) What? I had a grandmother who was a Christian...

LEELA: THOU!?

AMY: (grins sheepishly) She tried...

SCRUFFY: Yep. What she said. I reckon my job here is done. I hast to converse with the All Mighty, and compose Sunday's sermon. Fire and brimstone to put the fear of him into thine hearts... yep. (walks off, as a cold stinging rain starts to fall)

HERMES: This meeting is now closed- Thou art allowed to return to the dwellings of thine families. (Hermes and LaBarbara run together to their dwelling; Kif and Amy do likewise. The Professor and Fry leave a very confused and alone Leela by herself. She then decides to follow them)

PROFESSOR: (turns to see Leela following them) Why hast thou taken it upon thyself to follow us? Begone! Art thou a woman of ill repute? Thou art the wife of no man! Hast thou decided in thine heart to drag us into the pits of hell with thine harpy's talons? For mine Uncle and mine-self art husbands of no woman!

LEELA: What the h... I mean... Nay, kind sirs, but thine maid ist confused ast to the location of mine abode. May thee be so kind ast to divulge the information ast to where...

FRY: Dear lady, could thou repeat that? In English?

PROFESSOR: (cracks Fry upside the head) She's asking where she lives, you dimwit!

FRY: OW! Well, why didn't she say so? (points to a disheveled, tiny shack on the far outskirts of the settlement.) I believe that ist thy dwelling, dear, lady.

LEELA: Thou... thou HAST to be tugging on mine lower appendage. And where dost thou lay thine head at night, pray tell?

PROFESSOR: Oh, mine and mine Uncle's dwelling ist here. (he gestures to a well built home, with a fire lit, and the smells of food wafting out of the chimney. Leela just stares blankly)

LEELA: (sighs) Very well, thank ye, kind sirs. I wilt...

AMY: (interrupts, coming out of the home next door) Oh, kind sirs! Thanks to thee for escorting Madame Turanga to her home! Mine husband and I wert worried ast to her location...

LEELA: MINE home!? (glares at Fry and the Professor)

FRY: And, where... (Amy points to the shack, as a shingle comes loose and slides off the roof.)

PROFESSOR: Oh my... we art boned.


SCENE: Inside the Professor's and Fry's 'house'. The Professor has set up Bender's body underneath the hole in the roof, and it is catching the drips. Fry is trying to start a fire for heat and to cook with, and Bender is less than amused...

BENDER: (his body is holding his head, as water drips into his body) THIS is what I have been lowered to? THIS!?

PROFESSOR: Close thine mouth, metal man! Thou dost not have a speaking role in this story!

BENDER: (mumbles) I'm telling, ya buddy, all this talent, going to waste. (Looks at Fry failing at starting the fire) And YOU! Geez! Here! (his body throws his head at Fry)

FRY: OUCH! Watch what thou art doing!

BENDER: (giggles) I am! Now are we gonna freeze to death, or are you gonna let me help? Turn me toward the fireplace... (Fry does so, as Bender belches, setting the fire to a roaring start)

FRY: Nephew! Behold!

PROFESSOR: About time. Wait... didst thou use sorcery and witchcraft to conjure up flames?

FRY: (hides Bender's head behind his back) Uh, no?

PROFESSOR: Ah, very well. The folk have accused thou and thee of witchcraft! Hence the location of the abode. (mutters) Stupid damned narrow minded ingrates. Herbal medicine not in use yet... how was I supposed to know?

FRY: Art thou hungry, nephew?

PROFESSOR: Yes, but alas, human flesh is frowned upon as well, by thee and thine friends. (sighs)

FRY: Perchance we may partake of the harvest... if we had bothered to plant anything. Maybe thou canst ask Tisquantum for more food.


MEANWHILE...

In Leela's home. Amy is helping Leela set up a large meal.

AMY: This is very becoming of thee, but are thou sure it is wise to invite the outcasts into thine home and partake of thine sustenance? Thou knowest what is said of them...

LEELA: What? Dost THOU believest the old man is a Warlock? True, the younger is feeble minded... (sees Amy placing a large table cloth onto the table) Take heed! Thou makest sure that thou coverest the table's legs to completion! Menfolk have been known to be aroused by ANY legs exposed!

AMY: (mutters) dressed like this, that's no small surprise... There, thine table ist covered and it's offending yet necessary appendages are averted from view... and no, I believe not that the old one ist a Warlock. He may very well be possessed. Be careful, sister. (looks outside) Behold! The sun hast set, and mine husband and I are to... that is, we are to partake in... (blushes)

LEELA: (sighs) Farewell, dear sister. Many thanks to thee and yours. (she watches Amy leave, and quickly tosses her bonnet aside in disgust, and unbuttons the top of her dress) Aaaah! Finally! This damned thing has been choking me all damned day! (a knock is heard at the door) Oh crap... COMING! (opens the door to the Professor and Fry)

PROFESSOR: Leela! Is it true what Sister Amy hast mentioned? May we partake in thy victuals?

LEELA: Welcome! Welcome, Brother Hubert! (looks) and where ist thy Uncle?

FRY: Here am I! Thank ye for thine invitaion!

LEELA: (smiles and twirls her hair on her finger) Thou art most welcome.

FRY: Uhhh, Leela? I... Thy bonnet is... and... for shame! I canst see thy neck!

LEELA: (the smile disappears, and she buttons up her dress and puts her bonnet back on.) Please, make welcome at mine table, and partake of the bounty the Lord hast bestowed unto me! (the Professor and Fry dive at the table and start shoveling food into their mouths, as Leela calmly sits down. She 'crosses' herself and offers a prayer) All mighty God, we beseech thee to bless this food from thine bounty which thou hast so lovingly bestowed upon us. Bless thy servants in their patience (glares as they still cram food in their mouths)...

PROFESSOR: (gulps down food) Patience?

LEELA: (grins) ...And PUNISH those without. Amen.

FRY: (gulps down his food nervously) A-a-men. S-so, Leela... why hast thou offered us to sup with thee, this fine evening tide?

LEELA: (looks around cautiously) Okay, look. It's like this. This silly damned fan fic. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out we're all miffed because of it...

PROFESSOR: Uhwah? Miffed? Why?

LEELA: (sighs in disgust) … and just because I complained about the perversion in the last fic, that doesn't mean we can't be together at ALL in this one, Fry.

FRY: Aw, it is not that bad, Leela.

LEELA: Not THAT bad? Not THAT BAD!? Fry, there is NOTHING to do! Not only are we not allowed to be together, but there is no entertainment whatsoever...

FRY: You can read a book...

LEELA: (curtly) Fry. In case you hadn't noticed, we are allowed to read only ONE book!

PROFESSOR: Yes, thank Gideon for that... (Fry and Leela look at him funny)

LEELA: And don't get me started on these clothes! These undergarments are like sandpaper coated in itching powder!

PROFESSOR: What undergarments? (Fry and Leela look at him, horrified. The Professor quickly holds up his script and points to it, defensively. Fry and Leela pull out their scripts, look at them with shocked expressions, and looks back at the Professor even more horrified)

FRY: (looks back at his script) Huh, how come HE can get away with that...

LEELA: Oh, Lord. It can't get any worse than this crap...


THE FOLLOWING DAY...

Hermes, Kif, the Professor, and Fry are seen at the shore, with a lobster trap. The creature inside it is less than thrilled...

ZOIDBERG: I don't wanna be in this crummy story! You can't do this to me! I'm a respected doctor, I am!

HERMES: Shut thine oral orifice! Thou hast no lines to pontificate! Besides, thou at the guest of honor at the communal feast!

ZOIDBERG: Guest of honor, my right claw!

PROFESSOR: That can be arranged... (licking his lips) Dost thou like mayonnaise or butter, Johnny?

KIF: (calls over to the women in the settlement) Amy my love, we shall be but a scant moment more. Thou mayest prepare the cooking cauldron for the feast...

BENDER: (with the women in the center of the settlement. His head is set aside on a table.) Whoa, it sure was nice of you meatbags to make this nice bed of logs for me to lay on... hey, why are you broads cutting up veggies and putting them inside me?...

AMY: Uh... we preparest thou for thine big scene?

BENDER: Aw yeah, baby! NOW we're talking! Bender will show you some real talent!

LEELA: (rubs her temples, and pinches the bridge of her nose) Look it... er, I mean... Mayest I speak on the matter before us... candidly? (LaBarbara and Amy glance around furtively, and lean in) Doesn't anyone here see the looming disaster on the horizon?

AMY: Disaster? Don't you think that's a little strong a word? I mean, we have homes, we have food...

LEELA: Oh, come on! We're 31st century women here! We're talking like pre-stupid ages morons, and I'm pretty sure we're all gonna die of BOREDOM, if nothing else! We have a choice of: reading the Bible, reading the Bible, or reading the Bible!

LABARBARA: You... you read that? Oh... oh right...

LEELA: Well, what ELSE am I supposed to do to waste time... (Leela trails off as Amy and LaBarbara glance over at their mates and giggle gleefully) OH.

AMY: 'Be fruitful and multiply'! (Leela glares at her, whips out her script, reads it, and glares again. She then reads ahead...)

LEELA: Oooooh Giiiiiirls! Did either of you read ahead yet for the next scene?

LABARBARA: No, why?

LEELA: (grins evilly) Oh, it's just that we're about to have a big feast and...

AMY: And, spluck, if I'm not STARVED!

LEELA: Oh really? WELL, you two may find THIS interesting- The men get served first...

LABARBARA: No problem, my man always gets...

LEELA: THEN, the visitors come...

AMY/LABARBARA: Visitors?

LEELA: why, YES... more of them than us, too. Then THEY get served...

AMY: W-what?

LABARBARA: (pats Amy) Dere-dere, child... den we can eat...

LEELA: Noooo... THEN we have to clean everyone's plates, cups, and the like, because there isn't enough to go around...

AMY: I don't care! I'll use Kif's...

LEELA: (laughing) And THEN...

LABARBARA: What do you MEAN and then? THEN we get to eat?

LEELA: If there's any left... the animals need to be fed...

AMY/LABARBARA: WHAT!?

BENDER: You can go all Donner party on each other if ya want...

LEELA: CAN IT, BENDER!

BENDER: (glancing at his body laying on the coals) Yeah- by the looks of it, veggies...

LEELA: THEN, odds are we all start COOKING again...

BENDER: More cooking? Not to complain, but my delicate metal 'you-know-what' may warp with that much heat for that long...

LEELA: CRAM IT, Bender, before I put your head over by the menfolk at the seashore...

BENDER: Man, Big boots sure is... AAAAAAHHH!!! (Leela throws Bender's head over to the beach.)

LEELA: (mutters) Oh look, the menfolk come with the feast. The only highlight of this damned stupid fan fic...

HERMES: Behold, women! We return triumphant! The All Mighty hast bestowed upon us a feast from his bounty in the sea!

ZOIDBERG: (in the lobster cage) Oh, a feast! Hoo... (thinks) Right. Awww...

KIF: Wife! Fetch mine pipe, and a tankard of ale!

HERMES: Pipes and ales all around, for the menfolk!

FRY: I don't smoke, but a nice beer to whet mine whistle, Leela?

LEELA: (draws and ale, and pours it on Fry) Here. Oh look yonder... visitors to celebrate with us... (mutters) Crap, did he bring his whole nation?

HERMES: (runs up to Tisquantum, and holds his palm out in front of him) 'How'!

TISQUANTUM: How? (turns to another native, and speaks in their tongue) How? How what? How come they're speaking like idiots, maybe... (back to English) Greetings Sir Conrad, and colleagues! It's truly our honor to be your guests for this celebration of Thanksgiving! (motions to a handful of braves bringing deer, turkey, goose, fish...) Let us add our humble offering, and allow the women to their task...

AMY: How...

NATIVE: (leans towards Tisquantum) Here we go again... dummies.

AMY: How many ARE THERE of thee?

TISQUANTUM: (glares at her, then hams it up by counting his fingers and toes... smiles) Enough.

HERMES: For shame! Tisquantum and his people are our GUESTS!

SCRUFFY: Heathen as they may be... (everyone looks at him) What? Ah'm starting ta git into this part...

HERMES: Now, if thou start cleaning the carcasses...

LEELA: (snaps) THAT DOES IT! I have had ENOUGH of this (BLEEPING) CRAPPY STORY!!! I'm sick of the boredom, I'm sick of the stupid talking, and I'm sick of being treated like a servant!

AMY: (horrified) We... we were SERVANTS!? (starts crying) I... I went without make up, p-perfume... and... and this ugly dress!

BENDER: (yelling from the shore) Hey! Someone better check in on me! Looks like I'm glowing and starting to spout steam over there...

EVERYONE: SHUT UP BENDER!

LEELA: It was bad enough with just YOU clowns (points to Hermes, Kif, Scruffy, Fry, and the Professor), but now it looks like you went and invited the whole Wampanoag Confederacy!

TISQUANTUM: (scoffs) Please, only my tribe...

BENDER: (yelling from shore again) Guys! Please! You better check...

LEELA: BENDER! SHUT YOUR DAMNED MOUTH! We'll check on you when we're damned good and ready! (kicks his body)

NATIVE: (aside to Tisquantum) The crazy one eyed woman is talking to, and abusing the cookware... are you SURE this is a good idea, man? I'm ready to ditch this place and go to Cracker Barrel...

LABARBARA: (now seeing what Leela was warning them of) HUSBAND. Dere is NO WAY I'm gonna cook for all dese people! And no more stupid talk, either!

HERMES: Now, wife- thou hast a...

LABARBARA: I SAID no more stupid talk!... or no lovin's!

HERMES: Yes dear. Sorry.

AMY: I am not a servant! Besides, do you know what all that kitchen work will do to my manicure!?

BENDER: (screaming from the shore in a panic) GUYS! GUYS!! EVERYONE: SHUT THE HELL UP...

Suddenly the pressure inside Bender's body build up to the point where his door bursts off, and everyone is showered in hot water and vegetables. Everyone screams and runs for cover, as Bender's body jumps up and tries to make a break for the water and cool down...

BENDER: No! Over here! No, here! (his body steps on the lobster cage, smashing it, and setting Zoidberg free)

ZOIDBERG: Whoop whoop whoop whoop! (he runs around eating all the food in sight, and makes a mad dash for the ocean)

BENDER: Over here! To the left! (his red hot body stumbles into a building, setting it ablaze) No! Your OTHER left! (his body now runs wildly, hitting almost every home and combustible, setting the settlement ablaze. My poor, warped, metal aaaaaaaah... (his body finally finds it's way to the water) Now. Come over here and put the head back on... no... NO! You're going in DEEPER! STOOOP!!!

TISQUANTUM: (glances around) I... think now would be a good time to take our leave...

HERMES: Our homes... er, I mean, the set! (hold his head in horror) I never took out a surety bond on it! Someone get some water!

SCRUFFY: We could've claimed 'Act of God'... yep.

BENDER/FRY: (singing) The roof, the roof, the roof is on fire! We don't need no water...

LABARBARA: Now, don't worry, Husband... didn't you use the PROFESSOR'S rubber stamp on the papers?

HERMES: (cheers up) Yes, yes, wife! I did!

PROFESSOR: (chuckles) And I gave him the one KIF gave us for the last set of DOOP deliveries! Huzzah!

AMY: Oh, no! Kiffy! I can float you a loan...

KIF: Thanks. (sighs)

LEELA: (watches as the last of the set collapses, exposing the Planet Express ship in the background.) All right- I'm trough with this popsicle stand! I'm returning to home and the 31st century... who's with me?

FRY: (helping Bender re-unite his head and body) Count me in!

EVERYONE: Yeah/definitely/yep.


A SHORT TIME LATER...

Everyone is gathered in the Planet Express lounge, discussing what happened...

LEELA: (looks at Fry, and holds his hand) You know, I think we all learned something from that stupid fan fic... I think we can all think of something we are grateful for... or some one...

BENDER: Eh, I'm thankful my body is back. That way I can leave you loosers! Ha ha ha ha ha!!! (leaves)

LEELA: Seriously- I bet we can all come away from this thankful for something we have here in the 31st century...

AMY: I'm thankful for servants! (screams) WATCH WHAT YOU'RE DOING!

SERVANT: (giving Amy a manicure) Sorry, madame.

KIF: I'm thankful for STDs. (everyone looks) It's the only time I get more than a week away from Zapp...

PROFESSOR: Long pig! (smacks his lips)

SCRUFFY: Porn.

FRY: Thursday football! (turns on the TV) Oh, look! The NNY Rockets are playing!

HERMES: Put the Cowpies' game on, mon.

LABARBARA: (walking over from the kitchen) Modern appliances... non tobacco smokes.

HERMES: Here, here!

LEELA: And to think I was going to say 'friends and loved ones'...

FRY: Shhhh! Leela! The game is starting! Hey! How 'bout a sandwich... Leela?... Leela? Why'd you all scootch away from me like that?...

THE END

Buddies