Futurama

Fan Fiction

Sadie Hawkins Day
By dinkdrinker

SCENE: The White House. The President is surrounded by his advisors and financial gurus.

ALAN GREENSPAN'S HEAD: Mr. President, the numbers just don't add up- we are a good TRILLION DOLLARS short for this year's budget! This isn't looking very good for your Party's election bid...

PRESIDENT NIXON: What if we started another war? Get Brannigan on the horn and...

ALAN GREENSPAN'S HEAD: Need I remind you Sir, while that DOES stimulate the economy, in the long run, it'll do more harm than good.

FINACIAL GURU: We could always cut spending to the military...

PRESIDENT NIXON: (shrieks) WHAT KIND OF EVIL LIBERAL CRAP MUMBO JUMBO IS THAT!? YOU DAMNED PINKO COMMIE! OFF WITH HIS HEAD!

FINACIAL GURU: eep!

VICE PRESIDENT CHENEY: No can do- we made be-headings illegal back in '12 to get votes from the bleeding heart Pro CRIMINAL-lifers...

PRESIDENT NIXON: Ah, yeah. Right... burning at the stake?

VICE PRESIDENT CHENEY: (nods) Mm-hmm.

PRESIDENT NIXON: Make it so. (the advisor gets dragged off, kicking and screaming) That reminds me- the family's going to Camp David later- someone go get marshmallows. No, what we need is a permanent money maker. Something we can count on decades down the line to get money in our pockets- I MEAN the economy.

FINACIAL GURU #2: We can always raise taxes.

ALAN GREENSPAN'S HEAD: Again, never a popular option. (shows the President his figures) Married couples make up less than half of Earth's population, yet pay more than half the taxes. If we raise taxes, there is sure to be...

PRESIDENT NIXON: And the UN-married people?

ALAN GREENSPAN'S HEAD: Sir?

PRESIDENT NIXON: How much do THEY pay?

ALAN GREENSPAN'S HEAD: Well, less, of course. But the married couples are already complaining about the so called 'marriage penalty tax', and want a more fair, even field...

PRESIDENT NIXON: Well, we simply get the single people married!

FINANCIAL GURU #2: But, we simply can't force people to get married!

PRESIDENT NIXON: Why not? (all the advisors look at each other and talk amongst themselves) If we pass a LAW saying by a certain age everyone needs to get married...

ALAN GREENSPAN'S HEAD: Again, there are serious problems with religious orders, and celibacy oaths...

PRESIDENT NIXON: Then we make a yearly tax even MORE expensive on THAT! (the advisors start murmuring again) People will WANT to be married to pay the LESSER tax then, right?

ALAN GREENSPAN'S HEAD: (mumbles) Oh, I wish I could face-palm...

PRESIDENT NIXON: (goes onto the internet) Where is it... where is it... here it is! Look! This guy, Al Capp had got it right! Look!

ALAN GREENSPAN'S HEAD: (sighs) Sir, that is a COMIC STRIP...

PRESIDENT NIXON: Just read it, damn it!

ALAN GREENSPAN'S HEAD: SADIE HAWKINS? Sir, you CAN'T be SERIOUS!

VICE PRESIDENT CHENEY: (reads the series of comic strips) Yeah... YEAH! Any woman over the age of 35, HAS to get married, and the first person she catches HAS to marry her! We'll make a fortune every year in marriage licenses... possible divorces...

ALAN GREENSPAN'S HEAD: (looks at the other advisors) Doesn't anyone else see the idiocy in this plan? (all the advisors refuse to look Alan in the eye)

PRESIDENT NIXON: Good! Make it the newest law of the Planet.

VICE PRESIDENT CHENEY: Very well. Shall we 'advise' the rest of our Party in the House and Senate to write it up and vote it into law?

SCENE: Congress. We see what looks like the Professor's albino gorillas making up ¾ of the room, being shocked into submission, and voting. It passes overwhelmingly.

SCENE: Planet Express Lounge. The entire crew is relaxing, and watching TV, when a special news report comes on...

MORBO: (on TV) ATTENTION PUNY HUMANS! The President of the miserable planet, Earth, has signed a new bill into law today! All females on the planet are by law required at age 35 or older to be married before April 15th! Any female 35 or older who is not married by that date, will be required to pay an additional $50,000 single person penalty tax! The so called 'Sadie Hawkins' law, named after an ugly 1930's comic strip female, takes effect IMMEDIATELY.

PRESIDENT NIXON: That's right, Morbo! All you single ladies with your lower tax brackets, listen up. If you want to pay the lesser of the two taxes- here's what you need to do- find yourself a partner. Catch them, and drag, er, I mean bring them to the nearest Government approved house of worship or Court house to get your license and get hitched. It's that easy.

MORBO: Morbo looks forward to the confusion and chaos in the upcoming days! MWAHAHAHAHAHA!

LINDA: Hahahahaha! And in a related story, my divorce has been finalized! (turns and looks at Morbo, smiling)

MORBO: Linda? What? H-hey! I-I'm ALREADY married! Don't look at me like... (jumps up knocking over the desk and chair, and runs for it) HEEEELP! FAAAAAWN!

LINDA: (chases Morbo off screen) Hahahahaha! (they come back on screen, knocking over the camera.)

MORBO: STOP! STOP! I ALREADY TOLD YOU I'M MARRIED!!! WHERE ARE YOU TAKING ME!?

LINDA: Utah! Hahahahaha!

LEELA: (turns off the TV) Oh MAN, I'm boned! There's no way I can pay an additional $50,000 a year. Sigh... looks like I HAVE to get a partner.

AMY: Spleesh! Sure am glad I'm not as old as YOU, Leela! (Leela glares) I, uh... I'll go over here now...

FRY: A partner? Oh! A dance! I heard about those Sadie whatsits from my time- I'll go with you!

LEELA: A...a dance? Uh NO, Fry...

FRY: Well, it's not like I won't go with you.

LEELA: If it were a dance, I'd want to keep my toes- I'd ask Bender.

BENDER: Nope and Nope. For both. (Looks at Leela glaring at him) Uh, I'm gonna go run and hide just to play it safe.

HERMES: I'm taken, woman. (Aside to Scruffy) Run for it, mon!

SCRUFFY: Yep. (takes off after Hermes)

ZOIDBERG: Leela, my good female friend! I am full of male jelly, just waiting to... (Leela throws him out the window into the Hudson) Does this mean the answer is no?

PROFESSOR: You fools! She has to CATCH YOU... now If I THROW MYSELF at her, she's bound to make sure I don't fall, and by default... (throws himself up at her. Leela just glares and keeps her arms folded. He falls to the floor with a sickening thud) Oh... oh my, I think it's broken.

FRY: What is, Professor?

PROFESSOR: Everything.

SCENE: New New York City streets. Leela is walking home alone and depressed. All around her are men and others running for their lives from lonely desperate women.

LEELA: -sigh- WHERE am I gonna find a man? It's not like they're just gonna run up to ME... (a very attractive, large, muscular body builder type runs out of a clock shop and into her screaming. She smiles)

PIETER: Aaaaah! (looks at Leela's eye) AAAAAH!!! (runs back to the woman chasing him and clings to her) TAKE ME! TAKE ME NOOOW!

HATTIE: I got one! A... whatchamajigger... HUSBAND!

LEELA: -sigh- (walks into her apartment building and gets in the elevator. She gets out on her floor and takes out her key, only to see Fry waiting at her door with a bouquet of flowers, and dressed in slacks and a blazer.) Fry, please, I have no time for...

FRY: It's Okay, Leela! I'LL take you!

LEELA: Fry, you dope! I have to take YOU!

FRY: Oh? Uh, all right... this thing has never happened to me, tell me if I'm doing it wrong. (blushes and giggles) Was that good?

LEELA: (unlocking the door and going into her apartment) Good NIGHT, Fry. (slams the door and picks up her phone and dials...) Hello? Mom?

MUNDA: Why hello, darling! How's the man hunting going?

LEELA: W-what!? Please don't tell me that...

MUNDA: I think it's a WONDERFUL idea- just the right thing to give you a kick in the right direction! You really need a man to balance your life...

LEELA: MOTHER! I called you for help, and...

MUNDA: And I'm offering it, sweetie! A man will be there for you when you need someone to...

LEELA: Mom, I need YOU for something...

MUNDA: W-what is it dear?

LEELA: Can I borrow $50,000?

MUNDA: WHAT? WHY?

LEELA: Mother! I'm NEVER going to find ANYONE who will...

MUNDA: What about that Fry fellow? Odds are he'd want to stay with you, and he'd be an easy catch!

LEELA: MOTHER! You can't be...

MUNDA: Well, sure, he's not that bright, but he'd give you adorable children... (Leela hangs up)

LEELA: Well... I always did wanna cry myself to sleep every night... (looks over at the picture of Fry by her bed) And what are YOU looking at!? (she tips the picture face down) -sigh- Oh, FRY... (cries)

SCENE: The streets of New New York, the next day. Less and less men are seen, and the few that are, are being fought over by the remaining women. Cities and towns all over Earth are the same, or worse. Despite knowing Kung Fu, Leela has lost many fights over men simply being outnumbered. Battered and sore, she walks to Planet Express, makes herself a coffee, and flops down on the couch.

FRY: (flops down next to Leela) Hey, Leela... what up?

LEELA: (wiping her eye) Oh, hi, Fry. Nothing.

FRY: (concerned) No, something is wrong, you're crying! I bathed, so I know it's not my body odor bothering you...

LEELA: (giggles) Yeah, I noticed. (blows her nose)

FRY: Oh! OH! It's the Sadie whaddayacallit! Awww. (puts his arm around Leela and gives her a gentle squeeze) If you still can't find anyone to grab, the offer is still open.

LEELA: For the LAST time, Fry, it's not a daaa... (thinks) dinner? How'd you like to go out to dinner? My treat?

FRY: Ooh! Dinner sounds great! I promise I'll behave, and even wash my hair and floss my teeth this time!

LEELA: (smirks) Sounds good. It's a date- I MEAN- just a dinner between friends. Yeah, friends. Elzar's after our deliveries?

FRY: I'll be there waiting!

LEELA: Uh, Fry... how about If I meet you at your place and walk you there?... and could you make sure Bender keeps you safe on the way home?

Bender: (walks in) Cough-cough- A-HEM. (he holds out his hand and Leela slips money in it) And you owe me for LAST night too, big boots! (laughs evilly and walks away)

FRY: Uh, Sure! We can walk together! Besides, with all the weirdos and crazies out there, I wouldn't want anything more to happen to you!

LEELA: Yeah, thanks. (grins evilly)

LATER THAT NIGHT, AT THE ROBOT ARMS APARTMENTS...

LEELA: (outside of Bender's and Fry's apartment) Deep breath, Leela. You can do this... (knocks on the door. Fry answers) Hi, Fry! You look... handsome!

FRY: Yeah? Really? I just got this suit. Bender told me I may need to look my best tonight. (Bender laughs in the background. Fry looks confused) Uh, ready? (holds out his arm for her to take. She accepts)

LEELA: (smiling) Sure!

SCENE: On the street, walking to Elzar's. Walking arm and arm, many women see Fry, smile and see him with Leela, then walk away disgusted. Leela glares at the few that try to start anything, and they go away as well. Walking into Elzar's, they give their names, and are shown to their table. The place is rather empty, and they are set down at a table next to an elderly woman and her man.

HATTIE: And then when we go home, you can lance my boils, and massage my whatcha-callums... bunions!

PIETER: (gets up to make his escape, turns around, sees Leela and cringes... sits back down) Yes, dear.

LEELA: So, Fry... what do you have planned?

FRY: Planned? For when? Tonight? Tomorrow? Next week?

LEELA: (leans across the table, taking his hand) Further.

FRY: (tries to cut his food one handed and fails miserably. He then tries to put too much in his mouth at once) Uh... (munch munch) I 'unno... (swallows) I guess go to work, and...

LEELA: (runs her hand up and down his arm) Work? (purrs) is THAT all?

FRY: (takes another bite, then takes a sip of his drink) Well, Bender wanted to go to the Ape fights, but... oh! You want me to go with you to that Sadie thingy?

LEELA: (gets up and sits next to him, putting an arm around him) Well, I WAS kinda thinking...

FRY: Oh, Leela! I'm so happy! I saw how upset you were over this, so I even took dancing lessons for you! Look! I got a diploma from the dance studio last night! (shows her a piece of paper that says 'DOES NOT CRUSH TOES ANYMORE')

LEELA: (leans in, puts an arm around him and pulls him in close) Uh, Fry... it's not a dance.

FRY: Huh? Whadda ya mean it's not a... oh. Oh no...

LEELA: (takes her other arm, and starts to run her hand up and down his chest) Oh, oh YES, Phillip J. Fry. It's NOT a DANCE. It's something far MORE SERIOUS.

FRY: (gulps nervously) M-m-more s-serious? (tries to lean away, but Leela leans in further) well, it's not like you are asking ME to... OH...

LEELA: (grinning ear to ear) Oh! But I AM! The ORIGINAL Sadie Hawkins day resulted in MARRIAGE for the first man the woman caught! (throws both arms around him and holds on tightly) AND I CAUGHT YOU, FRY!

FRY: (eyes bug out) SHRIIIIEEEK!!!

LEELA: Waiter! Check, please!

SCENE: St. Patrick's Cathedral. Leela can be seen dragging Fry by his foot down the sidewalk, while his is clawing frantically at the ground. She drags him up the steps into the sanctuary, up to a desk with official papers.

LEELA: Fry, sign the license!

FRY: But Leela! I don't wanna... (Gets grabbed by the ear)

LEELA: Fry! Sign the damned papers!

FRY: (whimpering) B-but Leela! I...

LEELA: (grabs his nose, Three Stooges style, and slaps him) FRY! SIGN IT! I will NOT die a happy, lonely, old spinster! I want to die a miserable, old, married woman!

FRY: But, but you KNOW I love you, Leela!

LEELA: Then PROVE IT! SIGN IT, DAMN IT!

FRY : (crying) Can't we just cuddle instead?

LEELA: Fry, I SWEAR to you I'll take that 50 grand out of YOU... in BLOOD. Sign it!

FRY: Can I prove I love you any other way?

LEELA: Fry, don't make me get Bender's organ harvesting kit... (smiles at the person behind the desk sweetly) He's just a tad nervous, that's all! (the person behind the desk smiles nervously)

FRY: Leela, let me prove I love you by...

LEELA: (sweetly) By giving my your autograph? Awww, what a great idea! He's a pen...

FRY: (takes the pen and signs) Oh, oh... oh MAN... (turns to the person in back of him) What have I DONE?

PIETER: (sighs) Don't look at ME, buddy!

THE END

Buddies