Futurama

Fan Fiction

Schlocktoberfest
By dinkdrinker

(OPENING CREDITS)

CAPTION: BEER GOGGLES FOR CYCLOPS- 50% OFF

Scene- P.E. Conference table. Everyone is seated as the Professor walks in.

PROFESSOR: Good news, everyone! And for once it IS good news! We only have one delivery to make today, and then we can all enjoy ourselves! We have a delivery of coasters to the Oktoberfest Planet! So let's be quick, get your significant others, board the damned ship, and make this delivery so we can get get rip-roaring drunk!

CREW: (assorted rowdy cheering)

AMY: Oh! I've always wanted to go there with my sweet Kiffy!

HERMES: Let's make this quick, mon! Da more I can get my wife to drink, da more...

PROFESSOR: Yes, yes, Hermes- we all know about your loose wife! Let's all meet back here in half an hour, and then go get blitzed, damn it!

BENDER: (visibly excited) God DOES answer robots' prayers! Thank you thank you thank you!!!


Scene- the P.E. Ship- it now is orbiting the Oktoberfest Planet, and getting ready to land.

LEELA: O.K. Everyone- we still have to make the delivery before the fun and games, so here's the plan- Zoidberg- take the hover-dolly to the drop off point. Fry- seeing you ARE the official Delivery boy- go with him to make sure he doesn't screw it up!

FRY: Awwww! That's not fair! I thought you and I could...

LEELA: (sternly) There'll be enough time for us to have fun together, but we DO have to work! (she then quick gives him a peck on the cheek when no one is looking) It shouldn't take that long!

FRY: Ohhh, O.K.

BENDER: (getting even MORE exited) LOOK! You can now see all the beer tents! Ahhh! I think I'm having a religious experience!

HERMES: Cut it out, mon! Really! Having a religious experience over a future chemical reaction! (Aside to LeBarbara-) You have our little “religious experience”?

LeBarbara just smiles and pulls out two home made “wacky tabacky” cigarettes from her cleavage


Scene- Oktoberfest Planet's parking lot. Everyone is outside and very excited- especially Bender.

BENDER: (babbling and giggling incoherently)

Bender's eyes zoom out of his head as he surveys all the beer tents. He then spots a tent specifically for robots: the “Bottenhamel” his antenna grows considerably.

BENDER: (ecstatically) Oooohhhhh!

From out of screen-shot- oil shoots all over Leela's tank top.

LEELA: Oh LORD!!!! Bender! Where did THAT come from!?

BENDER: (trying to gain composure) Oh Leela! It was horrible! A completely random “walk by oiling”! I think he went that way! The sick pervert! (He quickly takes off in the opposite direction.)

LEELA: God! Look at me! I'm drenched! I can't go around like this! And I don't have any spare clothes with me! Amy? Do you think I could borrow...

AMY: Sorry Leela, but when Kiff and I volunteered to watch Violet for you guys, all her stuff in the bag took over the space for my normal three to four outfits! I'm afraid I can't help you.

SCRUFFY: Scruffy supposes you can buy one of them there “dirndls”- you'd fit right with the theme here, I reckon.

LEELA: Well, it sure as hell doesn't look like I have a choice! Fry, could you be a darling and give me a credit card so I can... Fry?

Fry can be seen running off, disappearing into the crowd following Dr. Zoidberg... neither of them are taking the delivery.

PROFESSOR: All right you empty tankards- listen up! We need to be back by 10PM. Let's all “buddy up” so we won't get lost, and then we can have our fun! Oh, and For God's sake be careful! This place is full of abandoned mines from when this was the 'Gold Mine Planet' 1,900 years ago! (turns to Leela) Now Leela- be a dear and take this delivery? But first, lordy lou! Buy something to wear! I don't want people to think I hire damned slobs! Now... does every body have their “buddy”?

The Professor looks around- everyone has already left him and taken off in all directions

PROFESSOR: Uhwah??


Scene: A vendor's table- we see Leela looking over many revealing ethnic dresses.

VENDOR: Look lady- with such short notice, and you not willing to wait for alterations, this is your only option! I'm sorry! (the vendor holds up a VERY skimpy dress with an apron and blouse. It is obvious that the top is WAY too small)

LEELA: Oh come on! I'd never fit in that!- the bust line is...

VENDOR: Perfect! Just don't hiccup... or cough... or even lean over too much... That'll be $400 plus tax, please! Cash.


Scene- the fairway- Kiff and Amy are looking at all the rides; Violet is riding on Kiff's shoulders.

AMY: Oh honey! Look at this one! It looks like so much fun! I bet from the top we could see all the beer tents and rides!

KIFF: Uhmm, Amy, I don't think we should with an infant...

AMY: Oh nonsense! Don't you want to go on a fun ride with Auntie Amy and Uncle Kiffy?

VIOLET: (squeals ecstatically)

KIFF: Why do I feel like I'm talking to Zapp here?

Amy and Kiff take Violet onto a ride that looks remarkably like to old “parachute drop” rides. They are raised up hundreds of feet off the ground nice and slowly.

KIFF: Hey, you were right, my love! This is... GAAAHHH!!!!

Suddenly, the ride plummets toward the ground. Amy and Violet scream with joy. Kiff just screams.

VIOLET: (obviously excited- bouncing up and down on Amy's lap) Gagagagagaga!!!!

AMY: Oh you want to do it AGAIN!?

KIFF: But Amy...

AMY: All right! WEEEE!!!

KIFF: (whimper)


Scene- cut from top of the ride to Fry in the crowd. He is engrossed in a map of all the beer tents.

FRY: Oh man! So many beer tents- so many BEERS! Which one will I... wait a minute? Why can't I have them ALL!? Yeah! That's it! An old fashioned “crawl”! WOOO!!!

Fry enters the first tent...

FRY: Ein Mas! (a liter of frothy delicious goodness is handed to him. He pays and chugs it down) All right! NEXT TENT!!!


Scene- Leela- now in her dirndl, is making the delivery of coasters to the drop off point- a tent called the “Hippo-juicedrom”. She makes the delivery, but doesn't go far when two large hippo like creatures grab her.

HIPPO 1: Where have you been!? You have no idea how busy it is out there!

LEELA: I'm sorry- but I think you're mistaken...

HIPPO 2: No time for talk! Take these beers out to the customers!

Leela is forcefully handed steins and shoved through the kitchen doors. She then sees why the mistake was made- EVERY woman bringing out beer is wearing the SAME EXACT dress as her.

LEELA: Oh Lord, I'm boned! (turning to a Hippo) Look- I know what this looks like, but I can't do this...

HIPPO 1: You will OR ELSE!!!

Hippo 2 pulls out a large gun.

HIPPO 2: Don't make me use this! Besides, you only have 12 more hours on your shift!


Scene- Bender is seen in the crowd. He has checked off all the tents on his map, one by one.

BENDER: (looking around, almost at the point of tears) Is that it? Is that all there is?

PASSERBY: Well my robotic chum, that's all there is HERE...

BENDER: Whadaya mean “here”?

PASSERBY: This is but a drop in the proverbial bucket when it comes to German beers! There are literally HUNDREDS of decent brews to choose from!

BENDER: (grabbing the man by the shoulders) MORE!!! Tell me MORE!!!

Later, we see Bender on line- he is downloading a complete alphabetical list of all German beers of all time.

BENDER: (ecstatic) There are literally THOUSANDS here just on this planet! FOOTCUPS, DON'T FAIL ME NOW!

Soon we see him yet again- thousands of bottles piled around him. He is standing next to an abandoned mine.

BENDER: Beer! Must have MORE beer! (He consults his list) There are only 20 left! And they are the rarest and oldest brews of all! I MUST have them! (he consults his list again) Aw crap! Most of these on the list weren't brewed in centuries! How can I... hey wait a minute... I think I have a plan here...(giggle) an abandoned mine here... the Limestone cavern underneath Planet Express back home...(we see him reach in his door and pull out a small piece of paper.) I'm glad I kept this for just such emergencies! No one will have to know! (He then reads off the Universal machine language time code), jumps in the sphere, and takes off through time and space.


Scene- 'ancient' Earth, Bavaria. A king has his stein raised in a toast. The sphere suddenly appears next to him.

BENDER: I'LL take that! (Bender grabs it and downs it. He disappears, only to re-appear a second later to steal the king's crown) He he he he he!!!!


Scene- The Ochsenbraterei. Zoidberg is lured to it by the delicious aromas wafting out from it.

DR.ZOIDBERG: Oh! The heavenly smell of food! I must go see what it is that is so alluring to me!

(Zoidberg walks in and after waiting in a substantially long line, is waited on)

PROPRIETOR: How may we serve you?

DR. ZOIDBERG: What do you have my good man that smells so divine?

PROPRIETOR: Well, sir, as you can see, we have on our roasting spits the last oxen of their kind in the entire universe! A wonderful, succulent...

DR. ZOIDBERG: Wooop woop woop woop woop! ( he lunges over the counter and starts to devour the roast oxen)

Cut to Fry- he is now being waited on by the only person NOT trying to stop Zoidberg

FRY: Ein maaa... I'm ... no.... thashs nah it... Uhh, BEER... a greeaaat BIG one! Hic! (he is reluctantly handed a beer, and chugs most of it- the remainder runs down the front of him.)


Scene- Amy and Violet are now literally dragging a visibly ill Kiff from ride to ride.

AMY: C'mon, Uncle Kiffy! Little Violet wants to ride on Hades' revenge!

KIFF: (covering his mouth when he looks at the huge, imposing ride) Urrf!

Across the way is the Hippo-juicedrom. Leela is constantly “reminded” via the gun, to keep serving beer. She is trying her damnedest to keep her composure as people are trying to cop feels, grab her dress, etc.

LEELA: well, I bet Bender is having a blast!


Scene- Bender is once again depressed. He is somewhere between time-traveling between Earth, (waiting in the cavern beneath Planet Express for the day they go to the Oktoberfest Planet) and the Oktoberfest Planet near the abandoned mine shaft (waiting to come back in time to leave with the meat-bags)

BENDER: Aw man! SO close to finishing up the “D”s! I only have Dortmunder and Dinkelacker left! Hey, wait a minute... (He once again consults the Internet- He types in “Dinkelacker”) Whoa! This jerk-wad had over 200 bottles, cans and kegs, and over 40 steins in his Dinkelacker collection! That skin-tube HAD to have some around at all times! Whoo hoo! 2000's, here I come!


Scene- 'stupid ages' Earth, Upstate NY, USA. Bender arrives in a nondescript kitchen. In the next room, is a 40 something year old Nerdlinger who is too busy typing crappy 4th rate shipper-fiction on his P.C. to notice his fridge getting raided. He looks kind of similar to Lars, but instead of a goatee, he has a classic handle-bar mustache.

DINKDRINKER: (looking up) AHHHH!!!! A robot!!! It has my beer!

WIFE: (off screen) SURE! Why don't you drink ANOTHER ONE!?

DINKDRINKER: NOOOO! Not my Marzen! I'll give you the Dunkel, but not the... my RADLER!? NOW THAT'S GOIN' TOO FRIGGIN' FAR!!!

WIFE: (O.S.) Oh, so now robots are taking your beer? Maybe I can talk him into taking all those damned silly “Futuristic” DVD's, clothes, and comic books, and then I can have my husband back! Maybe you'll have a damned LIFE again!

DINKDRINKER: AHHH!!! He's disappearing! Get back here so I can kick your shiny metal ass!


Scene- a riot is in full swing at the Ochsenbraterei tent. Zoidberg is seen being man-handled back into the tent. The proprietor changes the sign out front to “HUMMER”

HERMES: Come wife! Jah has answered my prayer!

Next tent over, an even more drunk Fry is seen staggering out. He is staggering, drooling, and trying to sing “Walking on Sunshine”. He is also calling out, quite loudly for Leela. He has a half finished beer in one hand and a pig knuckle in the other.

FRY: (slurring) Hey Bender!

BENDER: (walking up to Fry) Hey there, skin-tube! I got something for you that they won't serve here! (hands him a Dinkelacker) Now wait right here... (Bender gets ready to step into the sphere) I forgot to grab a few of his steins, shirts, hats, and older bottles for mementos! Hey- you look about his size- how about a “Drink-a-Dink” t-shirt, buddy?

FRY: (finishes the beer) Awww- I dunno... sounds kinda gay...do ya think they'll q-question my mass... my maskoo... my masculeeeee... my manly-nesses?


Scene- Kiff is extremely, terribly ill. Amy is disappointed they can't take Violet on any more rides.

AMY: It's all right Kiffy! If you can't take Violet on any more rides, she'll just have to miss out on the Kiddie-coaster.

KIFF: (trying not to get sick) Why don't you bring her on it?

AMY: Oh honey, I would, but I'm too big to fit in it- but my cute, little squishy love machine would just fit in with her!

KIFF: (looking over at the Kiddie-coaster) Oh, that's not that bad... I think I can take her.

Violet screams in excitement and bounces up and down. Kiff takes them on the ride, and on the first drop... all of six feet, he forces them to stop the ride to clean it up.


Scene- the Hippo-juicedrom. People are rowdier and even more drunk. Fry (wearing Dink's t-shirt) manages to finally make it inside the tent himself. Bender takes his leave to “tidy things up”.

BENDER: Oh man! How could I EVER forget about the whole time travel paradoxes, ripping of the fabric of space time and all that crap!? Oh damn it! There's only one way out of this, and it doesn't involve money, booze, or begging!


Scene- The Galactic Space Entity.

BENDER: OH GOD!!!! PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE!!!! I'll NEVER do it again! You gotta fix it for me! I got beer!- no wait! MONEY!!! Your TV preachers are always saying you need more money!

'GOD': Honestly, Bender, it doesn't really work that way...

BENDER: Awwww, c'mon! I'll be a good robot! I'll...

'GOD': Define 'good'.

BENDER: (crying) Oh, alright- I'll say it! I love my friends and I don't want them to be taken away by a saytristic planet sized octopus creature again! Besides, I refuse to put that cream on Fry for his rash again!

'GOD': (chuckling) I don't think you need to worry about that- Leela would have THAT covered.... Oh, alright. I can fix it... but you need to do something for me...

BENDER: (to himself) Oh, not a religious mission to another meat-bag planet...

'GOD': I'LL take that... (the paper with the time code is suddenly taken out of Bender and vaporizes) AND...

BENDER: Hey! Watch the antenna, you sick perv! NOO!!!! ('God' pushes down Bender's antenna, erasing the code from his memory) Oh CRAP- the CODE!

'GOD': Off you go! Back to the Oktoberfest planet- it looks like your friends need your help.

Bender is hurled through space.

BENDER: Thanks, God! HEY WAIT!!! YOU ALSO ERASED ALL MY PORN!!! YOU DIRTY.....


Scene- The Ochsenbraterei. Zoidberg is tied to a spit over the fire. Hermes and LeBarbara are in line, eagerly awaiting a lobster dinner.

PROPRIETOR: Folks, there is only one lobster, so we'll have open bidding! Who will start!?

HERMES: My whole weeks paycheck, (he reaches into a pocket) as well as some Maui-wowie, Diesel, and Manhattan White!

LEBARBARA: (reaching into her cleavage) Husband!- throw in da Jamaican Gold! I want a claw!

DR. ZOIDBERG: Hooray! People want me! I'm popular!

The crowd goes crazy with frenzied bidding.


Scene- back at the Hippojuice-drom. Fry manages to pull himself up from a crawling position onto a bench at a table. He starts waving bills feverishly in the air to get the attention of a beer maid.

FRY: Heh, he-HEY! O-over here. Hic! I wannana bee...I wanna b... THAT!

Fry reaches out and grabs a beer from a passing beer maid, spilling most of her steins. She turns around, royally pissed- it is Leela.

LEELA: HEY! You gotta Pay for- oh Lord, NO!

FRY: Leeeeeeeela! (he throws his arms around her and starts kissing her- onlookers, who up to now have only been pinching and groping her, cheer him on wildly)

LEELA: (trying not to laugh at Fry) Fry! You're drunk! No more beer! Trust me- you'll thank me in the morning!

FRY: Awwww, baaabeeeee.....I Love -hic!- I love you! Why canna hab anoder beer? Pleeeeeese?

LEELA: (trying to remove Fry from her without ripping her dress) Because you already had too much by the looks of it!

FRY: (dejected) Awwww, O.K. Beshides, I is gonna... hic- BURRRP......I can have shometin mush BETTER!!! (He playfully paws at Leela)

LEELA: That's right, but LATER (mumbling)- by the looks of it, MUCH later.

Fry looks to see a patron grab a handful of Leela's backside and gets upset.

FRY: HEY HEY HEY HEY... no one can do that to MY WIFE but ME! Seeee? (He then quickly slides a hand up underneath Leela's dirndl. Leela shrieks, and quick covers herself as she was about to pop out of the top of her blouse)

As the crowd goes bonkers around Leela and Fry, we pan across to the other side of the tent- The Professor is talking to one of the Hippos.

PROFESSOR: a few alcoholic libations? Don't mind if I do, but I must warn you, I just got a new liver! ( he then laughs his 'crazy' professor laugh)


Scene- The First Aid tent. Amy, Kiff and Violet are waiting in line. A doctor comes running out to the three of them.

DOCTOR: Dear God! You three are next! He's turned green he's so sick!

KIFF: Thank you for noticing, but I'm always green!.... now if I turned any shade of red...

AMY: (giggling, and walking into the First Aid tent) You know it's funny...

KIFF: What?

AMY: An Officer of DOOP, and how many wars fought, and you spew on the kiddie coaster!

KIFF: (sigh) Thanks for having such confidence in me, my love. Well, at least Violet didn't get sick!

AMY: I know! And we've yet to even have to change her...

VIOLET: (eyes bulge and face turns red) BRAAAAAAAACK!!!!!! Urrrp-urp-urp wretch wretch urp...

AMY: SHE'S GONNA BLOW!!!! RUN FOR COVER!!!


Scene- the P.E. Ship. Bender is loading up massive amounts of his beer he has collected on the planet into the ship.

AUTO-PILOT: Bender, what do you think you are doing?

BENDER: ( still upset on loosing the time code) What's it look like you pukatronic wonder? I've stocked up on some liquid power!

AUTO-PILOT: Stocked up nothing! That's enough to fuel a thousand robots for a month! You'll be lucky if I can even take off with all that crap!

BENDER: CRAP!? You take that back!

AUTO-PILOT: Or else what?

BENDER: (obviously knowing he can and quite possibly lose this argument-) Uh- how about we split this if you keep your damned mouth shut?

AUTO-PILOT: I won't tell a soul!

BENDER: Great! Now time is running short, and I've been told I have to make sure all those squishy sausage links make it back so we can go home!... not like I wouldn't want to live here...

Bender exits the ship.

AUTO-PILOT: I said I wouldn't tell a 'SOUL'... luckily, robots don't have souls! (he places a call on the phone) Operator? Yes, the Bottenhamel, please.... who? ANYONE!


Scene- the fairway. Amy is pushing Kiff in a wheelchair back towards the ship with Violet in his lap. Suddenly, thousands of robots come flying out of the Bottenhamel, almost stampeding Amy, Kiff, and Violet.

ROBOTS: 'Free beer!' / 'Drinking contest at the electric mucus colored ship!' / 'Hey- veterans first!- I need twice the amount just to function, sonny!'

AMY: Gleesh! Just run over a sick person, a baby and a really cute woman, why don't you!

KIFF: I wonder where they could be going in such a hurry!

AMY: Spluh- some drinking contest at some electric mucus colored... OH NO!!!!

AMY and KIFF: BENDER!!!!!!!


Scene: cut to Bender- he is consulting his “Fry-jack”; he has planted chips on all of the crew, and is now tracking them down.

BENDER: Now let's see who old Bender can save from themselves and get rewarded handsomely from the drunk idiots... now, who's closest... ZOIDBERG? With HERMES and LEBARBARA!? Well, I guess alcohol DOES do some silly and strange things to those weaker carbon based life forms... I wonder how much money I can get if I play the dumb lobster against the Rastafarians on who to rescue! Aw hell, I suppose I'd get in trouble if I didn't bring them ALL back. Besides, the odds are the loony old fart could possibly get a WORSE doctor! (grumble grumble) Oh crap, here goes nothing...

Bender slips into the ochsenbraterei, just in time to see a claw removed from Zoidberg, who is slowly being revolved on a spit.

DR. ZOIDBERG: (in pain) AAUUGH!!!! My claw you took! Now how will I perform delicate surgeries? Oh well, it'll grow back...take it why don't you!

HERMES: YES!!! THERE ya loony lobsta! I'm gonna enjoy dis!

LEBARBARA: Hey- for what we paid- where is da drawn butta?

BENDER: Oh 'the word that rhymes with FIT', I'm gonna regret this...

Bender cuts the Dr. free.

DR. ZOIDBERG: HOORAY!!! My friend rescued me! I AM loved!

BENDER: Aw, shut up ya chitinous chum-bucket! Get back to the ship before I change my mind!

LEBARBARA: Oh no ya don't ya garbage can on legs! We plan on eatin' dis here food! We paid for it fair and square!

HERMES: Dat's right! we...

BENDER: Aw stuff a sock in your blow-holes! Eat it for all I care! (Bender throws the Conrads over his shoulders)


Scene- the Hippojuice-drom. Quite the crowd has gathered around Leela and Fry. Apparently, they think this is some kind of show, and are throwing money at them and encouraging Fry.

LEELA: FRY! STOP IT!!! Now, normally, I'd admit, in the privacy of our bedroom, this could be fun, but there are way too many witnesses! Besides, you know I feel funny when Nibbler watches! Now imagine how I feel with thousands watching!

FRY: (completely oblivious, and still slurring his words) Awwww, common bay-beee! I know you like THIS!!!

(Fry does something no gentleman should EVER do in public... even if it IS his wife)

LEELA: FRY! I... SHRIEEEEEEEK!

Leela's eye just about pops out of it's socket and quickly grabs Fry's hand to remove it. This puts Fry off balance, who, trying to regain equilibrium, grabs Leela's blouse and tries to hang on... it gets much worse.

RIIIIIIIIIIIP!!!!!

Leela's blouse (or lack of it to begin with) comes off in Fry's hand as he falls backwards. Leela- quickly thinking, grabs anything to cover her.... (ahem), shame, which are two large, full glass steins of beer. Fry, still trying to get his balance, over-corrects, and falls into Leela, placing, not so subtly, his face into her cleavage between the steins.

CROWD: WHOOOO!!!!!! Take it ALL OFF!!!!! / Let's see if he can yodel in the valley between the mountains!/ Well, I know which beer is the colder of the two... I'll take THAT one...

Money is now seen raining down on Leela and Fry who are trying very hard to stay covered.

BENDER: MOVE IT CHUMPS! Awesome Robot comin' thru! Hey, Leela! I like what you did to your dress! Hey Fry- what up!

FRY: (head still firmly placed in it's spot and being held by one of Leela's now empty hands) Mumble mumble mumble...

BENDER: HA HA HA!!! That's a good one meat-bag! But enough fun and games! It's time to go! You two can continue that later! You know, for a small fee, I can help you pick up all your tips for you!

Suddenly the Two Hippos arrive on the scene and see what's going on. Bender is vacuuming up the loose money that hasn't been stuffed into Leela's tattered dress, and Fry's pockets.

HIPPO 1: Hey! Naked dancing with the patrons is NEXT WEEK!!! And you DO know we get a cut of those tips!

BENDER: What!? Not if I get MY cut first! I exploited them first, fair and square!

HIPPO 2: Oh YEAH!? (the hippo pulls out his gun)

BENDER: (shrieks)- CHEESE IT!!!!

Bender grabs Leela and Fry by their hands and runs back to the ship with them... Fry is dragged, really, banging into everything the entire way back.

LEELA:(now covering herself with Fry's jacket) Thank you Bender for saving us from there! I want to get as far away from this damned planet as possible! I swear, if I ever have to serve anyone another beer, it'd be too damned soon! There's the ship up ahead, and I see Amy, Kiff, and Violet! There are Hermes and Lebarbara too!

PROFESSOR: Oh sure, forget about the old man! The lonely miserable old man that everyone forgets, even if he was going to tip you an entire weeks salary for the dance you put on...

Looking behind them, they see the Professor nonchalantly walking up to them and the ship.

LEELA: Well, we're all here except for... who's he again?

SCRUFFY: (walking up, with his arms full of German adult magazines like 'The German steel-belted model bra- HOLTZFRUMFLOPPEN') Scruffy... the janitor. Ah reckon we could get out of here except for all the robots.

Scruffy motions toward the ship. The closer they get, they can see the rest of the crew trying desperately to get on the ship, but being pushed back by a sea of robots.

PROFESSOR: Oh for the love of Lucifer! What is going on here? Get away from my ship!

KIFF: I'm afraid it's hopeless! There are thousands upon thousands here! I even tried threatening them with my power, but the lure of the alcohol is just to powerful to break!

A robot turns around and sees Bender

ROBOT: Greetings, brother! Have you come for the free beer, courtesy of the Planet Express ship?

BENDER: Free beer!? OH NOOOOOOO!!!!!

AMY: What is Bender doing?

BENDER: (grabbing Fry) Don't worry Leela! He's too drunk to feel anything now, and he won't remember this!

Bender grabs Fry and starts swinging him at all the robots and starts knocking a path to the ship. Slowly but surely, he manages to get on the ship, where after a few seconds, gunfire is heard, and the robots all flee for their lives.

BENDER (shouting from the ship) Take MY alcohol you lousy moochers! I stole this swag fair and square! Come on skin-tubes! All aboard for Earth!


Scene- P.E. Ship. The crew is taking off toward Earth.

FRY: (coming to) Oh man- my head! It feels like Buddha and Jesus tag-teamed me! I must have drank too damned much! This sucks!

BENDER: Yeah... drank too much, that's it. Sigh- all my beer is gone- this bends!

KIFF: Well, I spent all of my free time blowing chunks on those damned rides. I could care less if we ever come back!

AMY: And I'm STILL gonna have to pay for damages to the hospital for clean-up when Violet erupted out of every orifice imaginable! (shudders)

HERMES: Dat damned robot made me drop my dinnah!

LABARBARA: Dere dere husband... now wipe dat butter off your chin from your “Hummer von Zoidberg”. And I suppose what we lost can always be re-planted...

PROFESSOR: Well, while everyone is feeling sorry for themselves, I might as well throw in my two cents- the little bit of good news is that my liver functions perfectly... oh my, yes. But my damned biceps were too damned weak to heft all those steins in the drinking contest! Damn these ancient arms! A silver! Bah! That means 'you didn't win!' I could have won if I had gotten new arms instead! (the Professor looks at a large silver medal hanging from his neck.)

SCRUFFY: (w/ a proud look on his face, chest thrust out, showing off a GOLD) Yep, reckon it would have been a close 'un.

LEELA: Well this was a total schlock! NO ONE enjoyed themselves! And I was held against my will, forced to serve beer after beer to drunk, rowdy patrons who couldn't keep their hands to themselves... (she then looks at Fry, who is now asleep, his head on her lap, drooling, and his arms wrapped around her. Her face softens into a smile.) well... I did enjoy one of them...

BENDER: Hey Leela! After my customary 70% fee, you raked in a small fortune today! If my calculations are even close, your tips tripled when you and Fry got nasty and dirty!

Everyone stares at Leela, who just blushes.

KIFF: (to Amy) No one enjoyed themselves?

BENDER: With that kind of money- I'd suggest you invest it in a reputable institution... Like the First National Bank of Bender!

AMY: Leela, did Fry really help you get all that money? Wow! You, know, maybe he should get a little 'reward' or something (winking to Leela). You ARE gonna tell him about it when he comes to, right?

LEELA: (looking at Bender counting stacks upon stacks of money) Yeah, I'll tell him... eventually. But first, (grinning ear to ear) he'll have to collect his 'reward'!

END CREDITS


DR. ZOIDBERG: (looking for the ship) Friends? Friends? Where are you? You couldn't have left without Zoidberg! (sobbing) Who will love me now?

ANGRY MOB: (wearing lobster bibs and holding seafood forks and shell crackers) WE WILL!!!

DR. ZOIDBERG: AAAUUUGH!!!

Buddies