She's Having My Mutant
(w/ apologies to Paul Anka)
The Planet Express ship, having picked up Amy and Kiff from a vacation, is being chased by Zapp in the Nimbus. Zapp is up to his usual antics- trumped up charges in hopes of breaking through Leela's 'forbidden chastity belt'.
ZAPP: At last! The sexy, sensual Leela is within my grasp! Nothing can stop me from getting her... oh, yeah... and maybe another sensual medal for moi... Open a channel to the Planet Express ship, Kiff! Kiff??? Aw damn it... right... YOU there! Open a channel!
A channel is opened. Zapp is seen on screen on the Planet Express ship.
LEELA: (muttering) Not this boob again.
ZAPP: Planet Express Ship- be prepared to be boarded (then looking/leering at Leela) and get ready for some very sensual frisking for any concealed weapons! Oh, Kiff! THERE you are! Make sure she has no concealed weapons this time! (Kiff shudders and sighs)
LEELA: Over my dead body!
ZAPP: Whatever my precious rock dove!- the “Zapper” WILL have you again! There is nothing that can possibly stop me now!
LEELA: Uh, Zapp? You might want to turn around... there's something behind you...
ZAPP: Nice try, my sensuous cyclopic vixen- but the Zapper won't fall for that old...
A black hole mysteriously appears behind the Nimbus, sucking it into oblivion. Just before the P.E. Ship gets sucked in, it unexpectedly closes up. The Galactic Space Entity suddenly shows up.
“GOD”: Oh, so that's where I left it...oh- sorry- were those your friends?
“GOD”: Ah... alright then- off you go!
CAPTION:Very few kittens were harmed in the making of this show
Scene- The White House lawn- Leela, Fry, Bender, et al- are with Earth President Nixon
NIXON: ...and so by saving the entire universe from an angry God (the crew all look confused and look at Bender, who is whisting to himself happily and smoking his cigar) and ridding me of that damned jack wad Brannigan, I hereby grant you these beautiful Charleston Chew Sponsored medals, as well as FULL Presidential pardons of all misdeeds! AROOO!!!!
BENDER: PARDON!? (crying) Aw crap! Now I have to start ALL OVER AGAIN!!! WAAAHHHH!!!!
FRY: I know, Bender- I'm touched by all this too!
BENDER: I HATE YOU!!! I HATE YOU ALL!!! (goes off crying... but not before stealing Nixon's Presidential seal)
LEELA: (as everyone is leaving the White House) So Fry, what will we do now?
FRY: Well.... we could see the sights here in D.C....
LEELA: (seductively) Or we could do what all the others do here...
FRY: What's that?
LEELA: (giggling) Screw and GET screwed silly! (She attacks him, throwing him behind the White House shrubbery. Kissing noises, giggles, and Fry screaming are heard behind the bushes)
Scene- Weeks later- Planet Express employee lounge
PROFESSOR FARNSWORTH: Good news everyone! We have a delivery to The Red Table Tennis planet!
CREW: (on the couch- Bender drinking, Fry watching 'All My Circuits' and Leela holding her gut) Go pound salt/not happening/uuggh.
HERMES: Come on, mon- it's just a shipment of ping pong balls! Here's the papers you'll need, and try to remember to actually collect on the bill!
FRY: but that planet is ¾ to the other side of the galaxy! It'll take way too long!
PROFESSOR: Poo! What with the wormholes we've mapped the last year or so, it'll be as easy as my bowel movement after Hermes' Jerk Prunes!
BENDER: Yeah, but all the twisting and turning (Leela looks over at Bender, her eye getting wider), and the shaking, and the ups and downs (Leela is visibly getting ill), and the spinning (Leela quickly covers her mouth and runs to the toilet)- don't forget the spinning!
PROFESSOR: Uhwah? What's with her? We can't have the delivery without the captain! Tell her to vomit on her own damned time!
AMY: Yeah, what's with Leela, Fry? She's seemed out of it the last few weeks!
FRY: Aw, I dunno- she's been sick every morning for about three weeks and is eating crackers 24/7! She doesn't even leave any for the owls living in my pantry when she stays over! (Fry looks around to see everyone staring at him- slack jawed) What? Don't tell me YOU guys don't have owls!
HERMES: Uh Fry...
AMY: Oh gleesh! It can't be!
BENDER: (giggling) A bun in the oven! Someone's been cookin' in the kitchen of love!
FRY: I don't get it- Leela's been doing the cooking, and I throw out the dishes...
BENDER: (muttering) Oh your GOD.
AMY: Professor, I think you need to explain something to your Uncle...
HERMES: Make it simple mon!
PROFESSOR: Oh, very well. You see Fry, it's like this... the consequences of...(aside) You'd have thought his damned parents would have given him the 'birds and the bees' speech!...
FRY: OH GOD NO!!! SPACE BEES!? SPACE BEES ARE GONNA TAKE MY LEELA FROM ME!?!? NOOOOOO!!!
(Bender slaps him silly)
PROFESSOR: Thank you Bender. NO, Fry- the BIRDS and...
FRY: (crying hysterically) NOT THE GIANT BIRDS AGAIN!!! LEELA!!! WAIT FOR ME! I'LL SAVE YOU!!!
PROFESSOR: (looking at the crew, and nodding his head) Go ahead.
(The crew proceeds to all take turns slapping the crap out of Fry.)
HERMES: Great caribou of Tippecanoe you ninny! She's...
Leela walks in from the bathroom holding a small early detection device in her hand with a large purple 'plus sign' on it.
LEELA: (smiling weakly) Pregnant!
Fry hyperventilates, foams at the mouth, and passes out.
ZOIDBERG: Hooray! I get to be an Auntie!
Scene- The crew is sitting around the table; everyone is in a tizzy.
BENDER: How the hell did this happen!? Oh wait (giggling) I know how it happened!
HERMES: Now just think about all the papers that need to be filled out because of you two! And I doubt the company insurance policy will cover this! Oh what fun!
AMY: (smiling, and gently placing her hand on Leela's) So- how long have you suspected?
LEELA: About 2 weeks- my cycle should have come shortly after we came back from our tour of Washington D.C.
AMY: (thinking) Wait- when did you guys get time alone? (slyly) Did you two get a room at The Watergate?
LEELA: Uhm, no- we stayed on the ship like the rest of you guys.
BENDER: Well, I would have heard something if you two did anything. (muttering to himself) I didn't hear a thing- better recalibrate my aural sensors.
LEELA: (playing with her pony tail and blushing slightly) We didn't do anything on the ship...
Everyone- who up until now were all talking at once stop, and turn to look at Fry and Leela.
PROFESSOR: Good Lord! You two did the horizontal dance in the White House!?
Leela and Fry look at each other- both blushing and giggling
LEELA: Well, not IN the White House...
EVERYONE (minus Fry and Leela): WHAT!?
FRY: Well the bushes were there, and...
EVERYONE: OH LORD!!!! On the LAWN!?
LEELA: (leaning on his shoulder and taking his hand) You know sweetie- it could have been at “The Castle”...
HERMES:Oh Jah have mercy!
PROFESSOR: Zeus damn you! You mean the castle? As in The Smithsonian Institution!?
Fry and Leela grin ear to ear and kiss.
BENDER: OH YOUR GOD!!! You two sicken me! The greatest, most hallowed museum complex in the history of Earth! You tarnish its glorious name! I'll never be able to pilfer from there again!
AMY: You two did it... wait- how in Robot HELL did you do that?
FRY: It was easy- we waited 'til closing time and dressed up as bureaucrats, and did it in one of the offices on top of the filing cabinets!
HERMES: (shuddering) Oooooh, the horror!
BENDER: (off screen) Whoo! Talk about ROLE PLAYING!!! Wait until Cubert and Dwight hear about THIS!! Heh heh heh...
Scene- A few weeks later- Fry and Leela's new apartment- a very nice 'fixer upper'
LEELA: (cuddling up to Fry) You know Fry, with a little one on the way, we'll need to change a lot of things here.
FRY: Yeah-wait a minute, (narrowing eyes) like what?
LEELA: Well, for starters, (glares at Fry) we should be cleaning, baby proofing everything, buying supplies...
FRY: (rubbing neck nervously) Oh good- I thought you wanted ME to change... Uh- there is something I'd like to change for you- (quickly adding nervously) only if you'll let me...
LEELA: (sweetly) Like what?
FRY: (getting down on one knee, he blushes nervously and takes out a small box) I- I saved them Leela. Our wedding bands. I love you Leela- I always have. And if I have to save your life again, or move the stars for you- I'd do it all again, for all eternity. (long pause) I want to change your name to “Fry”
LEELA: (choking up and crying) Oh Fry....
FRY: No wait, please, I want to do this right! I know I'm from the stupid ages, but I know the difference between right and wrong! I HAVE to do this! Our baby needs a daddy! I want to be there for it- and you- forever. (he pulls out another small box- this one containing a ridiculously huge diamond ring.) Leela? Will you...
LEELA: (jumping on him and knocking him over, and out of screen shot) YES!!!! Oh I... (off screen,retching is heard- Leela pukes on him) Sorry!
Scene- Outside Alien Overlord and Taylor
LEELA: (To LaBarbara and Amy) thanks you two for helping me get stuff for the baby.
LABARBARA: No problem girl! It will be so much fun- just us girls looking at all the adorable little booties and nappies! I haven't had this much fun since my Dwight was born! (whispering) well, Barbados Slim... (all three giggle)
AMY: Whatever you need Leela- I've got you covered! “Aunt Amy” wants this little one to be in style!
No price is too steep! The sky's the limit!
LEELA: Aw, thanks guys. Oooh! Look at this! It's sooo cute! We just have to...
Bender goes flying by with jumpers, diapers, blankets, bottles, a rattle, a safety seat, and other various baby necessities hung on his arms, and bulging out from inside him – he is followed by Smitty and URL- they have their sabers out and are swinging.
SMITTY: No Presidential pardon will save your shiny metal ass now!
BENDER: WOOO!!! See ya at work Leela!
Leela, LaBarbara, and Amy watch Bender get away, look at each other, smile, and quietly drop the items they were buying and walk out.
Scene- Months pass, and everyone is at P.E.- a baby shower/bridal shower is in full swing.
PROFESSOR: (muttering to himself as he walks off screen) I don't see why Leela and Fry won't let me genetically alter the fetus to have razor sharp claws like my favorite “X-man”- that would be so much better than those damned elbow talons...
Amid laughs, giggles and assorted fun noises, a loud girl-like shriek is heard- it is Bender.
BENDER: Oh oh oh! Mine next! Mine next!
LABARBARA: Dis one is another one from Bender...
LEELA: (taking the package) Oh how sweet of you Bender, it's a (opens it up)...
BENDER: A boob sucker! You know- kind of like you'd see on the farm, milking? That way the little bastard can have the real deal, instead of formula, while you're at work and Fry stays at home!
Leela looks at the breast pump, not sure what to say, if anything.
BENDER: besides, judging by the size of those melons, you'd better start now- they're almost as big as your eyeball! Heh heh heh.
LEELA: (coldly) Thank you, Bender.
BENDER: Hey no problem meat bag... wanna demonstrate how it works?
FRY: Not now, Leela. We have more presents to open!
Leela just glares at Fry and Bender.
KIFF: (quickly changing the subject) Amy and I have something for you- (he hands Leela and Fry a large envelope w/ the DOOP symbol on it.
Fry and Leela open it ,and all three of their eyes bug out of their sockets.
LEELA and FRY: OH, KIFF AND AMY...
KIFF: (embarrassed) Oh it's a trifle of a thing- quite easy for a new Captain in the DOOP and his Fonfon ru to get for their friends.
LEELA: It's a certificate to stay ANYWHERE in the known civilized universe for our honeymoon, and an open reservation to the Nadya Suleman birthing suite at TacoBellevue Hospital!
FRY: Wow! Thanks guys! That's awesome!
ZOIDBERG: Awww- does that mean I won't deliver the baby human?
FRY AND LEELA: YES!!!
ZOIDBERG: Oh, it gets worse- first I don't even get lines in this crummy script... (he goes sulking off screen)
HERMES: LaBarbara and I also got you a little something for you two... Now, reading from form number...
LABARBARA: Oh damn you husband! Just give it to them! (she snatches the gift from Hermes and hands it to Fry- winking)
FRY: (opening it up) Uh, thanks guys, but I don't think it will fit me (he holds up some VERY skimpy, see through lingerie that would leave nothing to the imagination)
LEELA: (visibly embarrassed and blushing) thanks guys... I- I plan on letting Fry see it as soon as possible!
FRY: Oh? OH!!! (Fry starts humming 'Walking On Sunshine')
BENDER: Oh oh oh! I volunteer to do any filming you may want for the wedding night! And I promise not to post it on the Internet (mumbling) immediately.
LEELA: (ignoring the sleazy comment made) Aww, that's sweet of you Bender, but we would really like to film the birth.
BENDER: (disappointed) Aw, I'd rather have filmed the conception...
FRY: me too buddy, me too.
Leela has an incredulous look on her face and smacks Fry in the back of the head
FRY: OW!!! Oh, right- the pictures we took are good enough.
Leela narrows her eye and glares at him.
FRY: What? What!?
Scene- Fry and Leela's apartment. A montage of Fry and Leela cleaning and fixing up the apartment, going to the doctor and getting pictures of the baby, Leela taking Fry's hand and placing it on her belly so he can feel the baby move, their wedding (Morris is seen standing behind Fry with a shotgun), and various scenes of their honeymoon (no, not THAT... sick perverts... this ain't The Turanga Pages!).
Scene- P.E. Lounge- Leela is on the phone with her parents.
MUNDA: Oh Leela darling! I'm so excited for you and Fry! A little bundle of love just a few days away!
MORRIS: Our little girl is all grown up! Don't you two know what it will be?
LEELA: No Fry and I want it to be a secret!
FRY: Yep- won't know until it's born!
MORRIS: Crap, (to Munda) Whiskey is for a boy... is it Tequila for a girl?
MORRIS: Hey- you can't blame a guy for wanting to know- the one drawback to not knowing, eh?
FRY: Yup- you said it, Dad.
Munda and Leela give the evil eye- as only they can.
MORRIS and FRY: What NOW!?
MUNDA: (changing the subject) And, Oh, your wedding was simply divine! Although I think your father took his role a little too seriously!
MORRIS: Hey! A 'Shotgun Wedding' is a wonderful stupid ages tradition, and was totally acceptable, Right Fry? (Fry hides his face and mumbles something)
LEELA: Oh Mom and Dad, I was so happy you were there for us!
MUNDA: Oh, you're welcome sweetie!-and that DRESS!!! It was GORGEOUS!!!
LEELA: I know- it's amazing how far I've come from the time of carpet remnants!
MORRIS: Meh, looked like you swallowed a barrel of whale oil- should have worn black- much more slimming...
MUNDA: Morris!- never mind your father dear- he's just testy because it's been a while since...
MORRIS: (embarrassed) MUNDA!
MUNDA: Not THAT! But now it WILL be! We have to go now dear- I need to 'talk' with your father in 'private'.
FRY: WOO! Way to go, Dad!
MORRIS: (dejected) No Fry- not that.
FRY: (also dejected sounding) Oh.
LEELA: O.K. Mom and Dad, we should go now too, we have to... Oh Lord!
Leela doubles over in pain- a shocked look covers her face.
LEELA: Uh, Fry!?
FRY: (seeing moisture pooling under her) Oh! Sorry Leela- should have told me you needed to go- I would have helped you to the toilet!
LEELA: NO YOU IDIOT!!! (grunting in obvious pain) I think our little 'bundle of joy' just tore open the sack of amniotic fluid with an elbow talon!
Munda and Morris gasp
FRY: (dumb look on his face) Meaning?
LEELA: (P.O.'d) I'M GONNA HAVE OUR BABY!!!
Scene- inside the P.E. Ship. Leela is lying down on the front bench sweating and breathing hard. Fry is a wreck.
LEELA: I know because of being a mutant, it would be a little different, but (in pain) AAAUUUGH!!! I never thought it'd go this quick! Hurry Fry!
FRY: I'm on it, Leela!
Fry proceeds to crash through the roof without opening it, and cuts off numerous ships, and blows through many billboards.
LEELA: Mom and Dad can't make it due to traffic, but will be there via closed circuit- does everyone else know?
FRY: Yeah- I quickly told Zoidberg to tell everyone for us.
LEELA: You told WHO WHAT!?
FRY: (blank look- then...) Oh crap!
Scene- Taco Bellvue Hospital- Dr.Zoidberg is trying to weasel his way past the real doctors.
ZOIDBERG: But I'm the midwife and the Auntie, I am! You must let me be at the birth of the baby Fry!
Scene- The Nadya Suleman birthing suite. Leela is covered in sweat, shaking, and trying not to kill Fry.
LEELA: YOU DIRTY SON OF A [BLEEP]! YOU [BLEEP]ING [BLEEEEEEP]!! I'LL KILL YOU AFTER THIS!!!
FRY: But Leela! Breathe!!!
LEELA: (Royally P.O.d) BREATHE!? I'LL show you how to BREATHE!!!
Leela takes a foot out of a stirrup and kicks Fry hard in the groin.
LEELA: (in intense pain) AAUUGH!!! YOU DID THIS TO MEEEEEEE!!!!!
FRY: (to the doctor) Oh God! Can't we get any drugs here?
DOCTOR: Sorry Mr. And Mrs. Fry- it's too late- she's already passed that point!
FRY: (crying and holding his crotch) not for her- ME!
MUNDA: (on the phone's screen) Now darling you need to be strong! You need to start pushing!
MORRIS: (looking in for the first time) What's going on here... (Morris sees Leela- feet up in stirrups aimed at him. He covers his mouth in embarrassment and proceeds to pass out.)
MUNDA: Listen to Fry and the Doctor dear, and never mind your father! He always did have a weak constitution!
DOCTOR: Leela you MUST push NOW!!!
LEELA: (crying and un-consolable) I can't!! I can't do it! Oh Fry! I'm scared!
FRY: YES YOU CAN!!! My wife is the bravest person I know! She can do anything! Push Leela! Push!
DOCTOR: Leela! Listen! You MUST push! Your baby is getting stressed, and you're losing a lot of blood from those talons! Push and hold to 10!
LEELA: (sobbing miserably) I- I- I'll try...
FRY: (uncharacteristically strong)Push Leela! Push! OH! Look at all the beautiful purple hair! Leela- the baby has your hair!
DOCTOR: Almost there, Leela! A few more pushes and your baby will be out!
LEELA: FRY!!! HOLD ME!!! (Leela grabs Fry's hand and proceeds to crush every bone in it as she pushes again) IF THIS DOESN'T KILL ME, I'LL KILL YOU!!! YOU SON-OF-A-AAUUUGH!
DOCTOR: GOOD JOB LEELA!!! The baby's head is out! One more push, and you'll be holding your baby!
FRY: (shaking like a leaf in a hurricane) Oh my God! It's so beautiful! Leela! Look!
One more push, and a lustful cry is heard... and the baby's too.
FRY: (crying profusely) OH GOD! THANK YOU LEELA! She's gorgeous!!! I love you so much!
Fry and Leela are both crying and shaking. The doctor quickly scoops up their daughter and places her at Leela's breasts.
LEELA: (much calmer now, but now crying tears of joy) Ohhh! Oh! Fry! Look at her! She has your eyes!
FRY: (wiping his eyes and nose on his jacket sleeve) and she has your hair, and elbow talons!
DOCTOR: Let's see- eyes, fingers, toes... Perfect! (coolly) Everything is here that should be. Congratulations you two! I think your friends finally got the message and arrived. I can go get them while we wait for the placenta to pass. (he covers Leela's legs and goes out to the waiting area as the nurses do their jobs.)
A few moments pass, and Hermes and LeBarbra, Kiff and Amy, the Professor, Bender and Zoidberg enter.
BENDER: WHOA! What an ugly little bologna loaf! HAS to be Fry's! Oh wait- that part doesn't stay attached, does it?
DOCTOR: (entering the room again) You know Mr. Fry, you can cut the cord if you'd like.
ZOIDBERG: Oh ME! Let Zoidberg do the cutting!
Fry and Leela look at each other, shrug, and shake their heads for him to go ahead and do it.
ZOIDBERG: Hooray! I'm useful! (he snips the umbilical cord with his claw)
LEELA: (joking) You know Fry, I think I'll let you live. (looking down at her daughter nursing) She IS beautiful isn't she?
FRY: Yeah... (joking) ya know kid, those used to be mine!
LEELA (laughing) Don't worry, lover boy! They will be again, soon enough!
Everyone gathers around jockeying for a better position to see the newest Fry, and are all talking at once excitedly-
BENDER: Oh! Pictures! Picture time! Common kid- move your crummy head!
AMY: you know Kiff, this has me thinking ( a sly grin crosses Amy's face)
KIFF: Oh Amy! MORE!? I er, Uhmn, ahh, wheeze wheeze!!!!
HERMES: You know wife, children are still a wonderful tax deduction...
LEBARBARA: Cram it, husband!
MUNDA: Morris wake up! We have a granddaughter!!!
MORRIS: (coming to) wha-what-hunh? OH!
PROFESSOR: sigh, I thought I could get those metal claws... maybe next time...
DOCTOR: OK Leela, we have the placenta- now we just have to fix you up...
LEELA: Oh Fry! I love you so much!
FRY: I love YOU Leela!
ZOIDBERG: Leela- are you like other mammals, and going to eat that?
EVERYONE: EWWW!!! GROSS!!!
ZOIDBERG: Yay! More for ZOIDBERG!!!