Futurama

Fan Fiction

THANKSFERNOTHING
By dinkdrinker

“...and according to an anonymous informant, The Cookie Monster, still at large, is to strike somewhere in Germany. You may recall his rampage against the Keebler elves last week, and the backlash from the public on the sudden drop in cookies and sweets available in markets- Morbo applauds this monster of food mayhem! He will help in the annihilation of your planet by destroying your morale, and putting you into sugar withdrawal! HAHAHAHAHA!” the news monster laughed deeply and evilly, then suddenly cleared his throat, and the best he could muster, he was jovial, and addressed his partner. “And now we join Linda in New New York, where she joins in the festivities of the old tradition of a 'Thanks-giving' parade to entertain mindless sheep. Linda?”

“Fry, could you get in here and help me with the food prep? I know it's only seven, but if we want to eat before the damned sun sets, we need to start now. I really don't want to mess this up, being our first Thanksgiving with our families, and with Amy and Kif at our place. Fry! Did you hear me? I...”

“Yeah, I heard ya.” He got up off the sofa, and hit the power on the television remote. “Besides, the parade doesn't start for another two hours, anyways.” Walking into the kitchen, he saw his lady, elbows deep in an enormous bird, and pots on the stove, in various stages of preparation. Reaching over, he stuck a finger into the stuffing Leela had prepared and licked it off his finger. He went to do it a second time, but his hand was slapped away and he was reprimanded.

“Damn it, Fry, leave some for the rest of us, will you? I need your help preparing the food, not eating it.”

“Sure thing, what can I do first?” He stretched, yawned and scratched his ass.

“Wash your hands first. Then grab some coffee... I need you awake if you're going to help me cut up food.”

“Wash my hands? What for?” He poured himself a cup of java, and inhaled deeply, and smiled.

“Seriously!?” Leela looked at him, eye wide, as he scratched his front part this time around. “Just do it- humor me, okay?”

Fine.” he huffed and turned on the kitchen faucet.

“Use SOAP, please.”

“Oh come on! SOAP TOO?” he gave her a shocked look.

“Oh, Lord. PLEASE let our kids take after me.” she mumbled under her breath.

“Seriously though, why couldn't you have Nibbler help? He enjoys working with food...”

“Fry, first of all, Nibbler enjoys EATING the food... ALL the food. We want some left for the rest of us. Secondly, stop teasing him by making it look like the turkey is mocking him and dancing around. I'm not sure how much longer that chain will hold...”

“Speaking of,” He poked his third eye above the book he was reading on an antique arm chair, “do you think it's possible I could be released of my bonds if I make a promise not to masticate the entire feast?”

“Let me think about it, snookie-wookums...” Leela brought a hand to her face and tapped her index finger on her cheek as in thought. “NO. And besides, you hardly chew- you inhale!”

Nibbler harrumphed and threw his book on the nearby coffee table, exposing a large chain wrapped around him and the chair, and lit his pipe. Puffing on it furiously, he mumbled something in ancient Nibblonian.

“Okay, I washed my hands and used soap. And I also managed to stuff the turkey... well, some of it came out when he did his dance... hang on...” He started re-stuffing the turkey.

“You know what? Why don't you go and set up the...” she was interrupted by her man's upset mini rant.

“Oh come on, Leela! You never trust me with anything! This is for MY family and friends too, you know! Let me at least finish the turkey! I think I can manage it now that it's stuffed and in the pan!”

“Oh, all right. I suppose even you can't mess this up. But please, if you need help, don't be afraid to ask!”

“What's to ask?” He shrugged his shoulders as he adjusted the racks in the oven, went and got the turkey, and placed it in the oven. Closing the door, he set the timer. “There! I did it!”

“Really? Did you adjust the racks? That bird is huge...”

“Yes I adjusted the racks. It would never have fit if I didn't.”

“And the timer?”

“Set.” He smiled smugly.

“Wow, I'm impressed!” she hugged him and gave his a kiss on the cheek after drying her cleaned hands on a towel. “Now we can actually rest a bit before everyone comes over in an hour and a half...”

“You said Nine?” he scratched his head. I could have sworn it was between seven thirty and eight...”

“No, Nine... Fry, oh no.” She flopped down in a chair and glared at him. “Please tell me that you didn't tell everyone to come at seven thirty!” She was interrupted by a knocking on the door, the dead bolt turning, and her parents walking in with a bag of food.

“Leela, darling! We're here!” Munda called out as she headed for the fridge to take care of the supplies she brought with her and Morris.

“Nope- just Mom and Dad... I think.” he looked at her with his best grin he could muster.

“Tell me again why we thought it was a good idea to give my parents a key, again?” she asked him as she readjusted her shirt back to an appropriate position.

“Awww.” Fry pouted.

“Are we a bit early, kids?” Munda smiled and winked. “I put a couple of pies in the fridge, and I brought a Neptunian deli tray for snacking.”

“No, and thanks, Mom!” Leela kissed her mother on the cheek. “You're always welcome here any time.”

“Now, are you sure everything is fine? Do you need any help with the stuffing? My rat giblet stuffing was a huge hit last time, I don't want you...”

“Mom, the stuffing is fine! I copied your recipe verbatim! It's going to be fine.”

“Yeah! I stuffed the bird and put it in the oven by myself!” Fry added cheerfully.

“Are you sure you don't need my help, Leela?” Munda whispered.

“You know what, Fry, why don't you and dad run out to Dinkin Donuts and get us some breakfast?” Leela handed Fry a $20 bill and smiled as her mother started cleaning up Fry's mess.

“I'm game!” Morris said, as he spied the last remaining stuffing in the bowl, and dipped his finger in it to retrieve a small morsel.

“DAD/MORRIS!!!” The two mutant women screeched, and shoved the two men out into the hall and closed the door behind them. The door quickly opened to throw their coats out at them, and slammed shut again.

“Oh well. Their loss. They won't have our help, right?” Morris shrugged his shoulders and gave Fry a smirk. “What do ya say we go get those donuts, and we can stop at Starbabe's for a cup of joe?”

“Sounds good to me.” Fry shrugged. “$20 is more than enough for donuts. It'd be a shame to come home with change...”

“That's what I like to hear!” Morris pounded his hand on Fry's back in fatherly affection. “Let's go! I bet there's some Sewer Sludge frosted ones begging us to eat them!”


The two men walked out onto the cold New New York street and headed north to the local Dinkin Donuts... as an Amphibiosan and his Martian/Chinese spouse came walking south on the opposite side of the street- never seeing each other...


The skies had just started to break loose with a cold damp wind, and snow was starting to fall at a serious rate. Kif and Amy stomped their boots off on the front stoop, and walked into the foyer of the old building. Brushing off their coats, they climbed the stairs to their friends' apartment.

“Are you sure we're not too early, Amy my love?” Kif tried to address his fonfon ru around the bags she insisted she bring, and he carry.

“Fry told us eight at the latest! I guess we're invited for breakfast and to watch the parade on the television?” She stopped in front of a door and glanced at it. Looking down at a slip of paper, she confirmed the new apartment number and floor. Knocking on the door, she heard yelling on the other side, and she glanced over at Kif. “That's Leela, all right.” She smirked.

“What NOW, Fry?” the door swung open. “Did you forget your wang? You couldn't possibly be back this soon if... OH!” Leela said, taken aback. “Uh, please, come in.”

“No Leela, we didn't forget it.” Amy smiled devilishly.

“Besides,” Kif groaned as he slowly slid the bags and supplies he carried onto a chair, “I don't need that to reproduce.”

“We're not late, are we?” Amy asked as Kif collapsed in exhaustion into a waiting seat.

“Noooo,” Leela said. “It's just that I told Fry to tell everyone Nine. No worries. You're here now, and Fry and my father went out to get us donuts for breakfast.”

“Do you think it was advisable to send Fry out to get donuts?” Amy asked with a lightly worried tone.

“Well, Dad went with him too.”

“Are you sure it was a good idea?” she asked again.


“There! We got the last of the Sewer Sludge frosted ones, and still have more than $10 left! That should be just enough for two small coffees at Starbabe's!” Fry crumpled up the change and shoved it deep into his pocket as he handed Morris the box of donuts. Walking back out into the late fall/early winter air, both men shivered involuntarily. “Whoa. It's getting colder- let's go get that coffee!”

“A nice Irish coffee would be good on a day like this!” Morris commented as he pulled his collar up around his ears. “The more 'Irish' and less coffee in it, the better!” he chuckled.

“Welcome to Starbabe's, My name is Gary. How can I help you gentlemen?” The mutant barista asked in a semi bored tone.

“Gentlemen? Where?” Fry looked around confused.

“He means us, Fry.” Morris took the money from Fry's hand and placed it on the counter. “Two Irish coffees, please.”

“I... I'm sorry sir,” the mutant looked around furtively. “We don't sell anything with alcohol in our beverages...”

“Come on, Gary, you know me. And this is my son in law. Two Irish coffees... light on the coffee.” Morris slipped another $10 bill across the counter that his friend secretly slid into his pocket.

“Uh, two 'regular' coffees, coming up, sir!” Taking the two coffee cups under the counter, he filled them three quarters full with Kilbeggan whiskey, and then added the coffee. “Here you go!” He handed the two 'coffees' to Fry and Morris, and put the money for the coffee in the register.

Guzzling the drinks, Fry and Morris grinned.

“Now THAT will warm a man's body and spirit!” Morris chuckled. What do you say we have another round? My treat, son!” Morris pulled out his wallet and slapped another $20 on the counter.

The barista mumbled something about being glad it was a slow day, and made two more 'coffees'... then two more... than two more again...


“All right, Cubert. We're almost to my Uncle and Aunt's apartment. But first I want to stop by Starbabe's for a nice Irish coffee. Gary should be on. If I slip him an extra ten, it'll help me tolerate this damned stupid ages holiday.” Walking into the coffee house, the Professor and his son go up to the empty counter and place their order.

“Welcome to Starbabe's...”

“Cut the crap, Gary. I'm too damned old for idle chit chat! One hot cocoa and one Irish coffee!” The Professor opened his wallet and pulled out a bill to pay the tab.

“Sorry, Professor Farnsworth,” Gary handed him Cubert's hot cocoa. “We're out of the 'Irish' for the Irish coffee.”

“U-wha? Already? But it's slow! Ooooh...” The Professor winked and handed him an additional ten dollars.

“No, sorry.” The mutant barista slid the bill back at him. “I really am out. Those two lushes drank it all, already!” He pointed to the corner where an inebriated Fry and Morris were sitting at a table and giggling.

“Fry? Damn you!” the Professor fumed. 'Thanks to you, I'll have to get a regular coffee!” he was answered by more giggling. Turning back to the counter, he asked, “How much did they drink?”

Gary just glared, and placed four empty bottles on the counter.


“Alright. Fry and Dad should have been back quite some time ago.” Leela fumed. And the Professor and Cubert should be here any minute. Looks like we won't be having any donuts for breakfast.”

“It's all right, Leela darling.” her mother placed a tentacle on her shoulder. “We have more than enough food to snack on. I'm sure no one will complain about the snack trays.” she opened the fridge and pulled out a couple of platters and went to place them on the coffee table in the living room.

“Yeah, still,” Leela took a slice of carrot and dipped it into the dressing and munched. “They should have been back over an hour ago!”

“I'm sure they'll be fine. I mean, how much trouble can those two get into together?” Amy asked.

Everyone looked at one another, and slowly, worried expressions crossed each of their faces.

“I'm getting my coat.” Kif sighed, as he went out to search for them.


“Come ON, dingus!” Cubert was dragging Fry by the arm, as he teetered back and forth, threatening to fall on him. “You're keeping me from stuffing and pies!”

“Hurry now, Cubert, and help me get them to the men's room! We need to give each of them one of my 'Soberup' suppositories.” The Professor Dragged Morris over to the door, opened it, and gave him a gentle shove in.

“Suppositories?” Cubert's eyes widened, and letting go of Fry as he fell to the floor. “You're on yer own.”

“Uh, Hubert,” Morris slurred, “I like you, but not that much...”

“Eh, you get used to it.” Fry stammered as he got to his feet and staggered and weaved his way to the men's room.


Making his way up the ever growing mob on the parade route, Kif made his way to Starbabe's, after the tip from the Dinkin Donuts employee gave him, regarding two men fitting the description he gave her. Finally making it, he walked in and was immediately run over by a still slightly tipsy Fry and Morris, followed by Cubert and the Professor tripping over the lot of them.

“Fancy meeting YOU here.” Kif got up and brushed himself off. “Everyone is expecting you! And Leela was getting worried! I suggest we get back to your place as soon as possible, Fry!” Taking out his cell phone telephone, he called Leela. “Yes! Leela! I found them! All of them! We're...”

“THERE you are!” a frantic woman interrupted him. “PLEASE get off your phone and come with me! I have your costumes ready! You should have been dressed HOURS ago!” She took Kif's phone and hung up on Leela.

“But... but... I'm a Doop Officer!”

“Well, of course you are!” she started herding the small group away, ranting about how she was NOT going to let them ruin the parade...

“Oh come ON!” Morris fumed, looking into a ridiculously large bottle. “It's empty!” He was dressed in a loud three piece suit- at least twelve sizes to large, and dyed with every known color to man.

“Yeah,” Fry sighed, looking into his, as he flopped around in his size 72 shoes. His costume matched Morris's, but it was a good seven sizes too small, his gut was hanging out, and his calves were exposed as well.

“Oh, you think YOU got it bad!” Cubert snorted, as he came in dressed as a woman, pushing the Professor dressed as a baby in a baby carriage. Fry and Morris started roaring with laugher.

“I'm not talking to any of you.” The Professor snapped, and placed a large pacifier in his mouth.

“Oh sure. YOU guys at least have it easy.” Kif said, dressed as Zapp Brannigan, complete with a wig and a pillow stuffed gut.

“Oh, good! The costumes all fit perfectly!” The parade coordinator beamed.

“Perfectly?” Fry and Morris looked at each other.

“Quickly! The parade is about to start! Get out there! The parade always starts with clowns!” She pushed them out into the melee to their appointed places.


“Well, the parade is about to start. Looks like our men will miss it.” Munda said as she reached for the remote and turned on the television. “Good friends, good food, and a parade on the TV. Their loss.” As the picture came on, all the women stopped dead in their tracks. As their eyes all widened in shock, they all slowly sat down, glued to the set. Slowly, they started giggling.

“It... it's Fry. And Mr. Turanga.!” Amy snickered. “What the HELL...”

“I... I'm going to KILL him when he gets back.” Leela stared blankly at the screen.

“Oh,come on dear. I think Fry and your father make excellent clowns! Just look at them! What with all those years of experience!” Munda laughed. “Although this IS a surprise...”

Suddenly Leela laughed and pointed at the screen.

“Hey Amy! Is it funny now?”

On the screen, for all to see, was Kif, dressed as Zapp Brannigan on a float designed like the Lovenasium. He was surrounded by many ugly (female?) aliens, scantily dressed. Amy looked on mortified, as Leela and Munda fell out of their chairs, holding their guts laughing.

“Oh!” Leela wheezed, laughing, “If only the Professor and Cubert had made it here in time to see this!”

“Oh, they can see, all right, they can see!” Amy now joined in again as she pointed out Mommy Cubert and Baby Hubert.

After drying their eyes and catching their breaths, they decided all was forgiven, and would welcome the men back warmly.


“Oh man, I can't wait to sit down!” Fry trudged his way up the steps to the apartment.

“Yeah, my dogs are killing me!” Morris added.

“You... you have dogs? What other mutations do you have?” Fry asked.

“He means his feet, you moron.” Cubert huffed. “At least you didn't have to push someone the whole parade route!”

“I have no idea what you are complaining about,” the Professor chimed in. “I had a lovely nap, and when I woke up, I noticed we all got Macy's gift cards. Now I can go and buy more lab coats, pajamas, and slippers!”

Putting his key in the lock and opening the door, Fry was greeted by an overly happy Leela.

“Hey Fry!” she hugged him and kissed him. “A little late, huh?”

“Uh, yeah... about that...” he rubbed the back of his head and looked away.

“Oh, it's all right. It's not like you were out clowning around or anything.” she grinned, as Amy and Munda stifled giggles. The men all winced.

“You... you saw?” Fry grimaced.

He was answered my laughter and applause.

“You were an awesome drunk clown, Fry! You too, Dad!” Leela kissed each of them on the cheek. “And YOU, Kif!” She started laughing even harder.

“Uugh, let's not go there, PLEASE.” Kif sighed and hid his face in his hands.

“Oh, Kiffy, it's all right.” Amy gave him a hug. “So...”

“So, what, my love?” He looked at her.

“So... were any of them as good as me?” She smirked.

Everyone but Kif and Cubert laughed, as they had disgusted looks on their faces.

“And YOU, sweetie!” Munda patted Cubert on the cheek. “You were a wonderful mother to your baby!”

“AAAAAUUUUUGH!” Cubert shouted, embarrassed.

“Well, I'm sure glad that's over with! I'm looking forward to a nice meal with family and friends! We got a huge turkey with stuffing, and... wait a minute...” Fry stopped dead, and started sniffing at the air.

“What's the matter, Fry?” Leela asked him.

“Turkey...”

“What about the turkey, dear?” Munda asked.

“I... I don't smell it.” he said, with a worried look on his face.

“Yeah, shouldn't we be able to...” Amy looked around at her friends' faces questioningly.

“Oh Lord... Fry, are you SURE you put the turkey in the oven?”

“Of course, Leela! I even adjusted the oven racks!”

“And the timer...”

“Yes. The timer...” he trailed off, looking at the glares surrounding him.

“Ah. Okay.” Leela calmly sat down next to him, and Put her am around him. “So...”

“Uh, so?”

“Did you forget to do anything else?” she asked sweetly.

“Uh, no? I don't think so?”

“Ah.” she tightened her arm around him. “Did you TURN THE OVEN ON, too, dearest?”

“Uuuuuuuuuh...” Fry looked around as everyone face palmed. “Let me go check...” He ran into the kitchen, and opened a stone cold oven. “ Uuuuuuuuuh...

“Leela, I hate to interrupt this lover's spat, however I feel it is necessary to inform you that I had never consumed any victuals within the last twelve hours. Can I please...” Nibbler was struggling at his chain.

“Not now Nibbler.” Leela turned to him. I need to go 'talk' to the 'Mighty One'.” Stomping into the kitchen, she shoved him aside from in front of the stove, looked at it, and slowly turned to look at him. “FRRRRRRRRRY...”

“Uh, heh heh... would it help if I dressed as a clown again?”

“NO!” she snapped. “I don't think I can handle another one of your 'surprises' right now!”

“Uh, excuse me... the pains in which my digestive system are giving me are growing , and I am afraid I may no longer be able to control the primal urges Nibblonians get if one does not partake in the consuming of...” Nibbler struggled madly against his chains, and was cut off.

“SHUT UP NIBBLER.” Turning her attention back to Fry, Leela continued. “It will take at least four and a half hours to cook this damned bird! YOU go out there and explain why we won't be eating any time soon!” She pulled out a kitchen chair from the table at sat down, glaring at him.

“I suppose you're right.” Fry hung his head in embarrassed guilt. “I...”

Suddenly what sounded like a gunshot and a large chain falling from the next room was followed by screaming and crashing noises. Leela and Fry ran over to the kitchen door just in time to see a crazed Nibbler free from his bondage, eating everything in sight, and coming toward the kitchen at lightning speed. In a matter of seconds, everything on the stove top, and the turkey in the oven were devoured. Staggering over to his bed on the floor, the Nibblonian belched and passed out.

Slowly walking out to the living room, Leela and Fry saw everyone had the same shocked, blank stares on their faces as they had. Everyone was covered in small pieces of food that went flying. It looked as if a tornado had been confined in the apartment. Leela balled her fists, and her eye twitched. She slowly turned toward Fry.

“Heh heh heh... uh, oops? Forgot to feed Nibbler, too?”

“Hey! How about we order in some Chinese? My treat?” Morris said to diffuse the situation, as he pulled out his wallet.

“That's a good idea.” Munda added, and addressed her daughter. “Leela, this holiday is about being with your family and friends, and thinking of things you are thankful for. Food should be secondary.”

“Yeah,” Amy chimed in. “A turkey would have been good, but compared to spending time with your friends?”

“So, we get Chinese?” Leela pouted, thinking of all the wasted food and time.

“Sure thing, sweetie-kins!” Morris pulled out a few bills from his wallet to set aside, and went to call the local Chinese restaurant for a delivery. “Everyone is up for Chinese, right?”

“Well, Kif had 'Chinese' last night, but I'm sure he could stomach having it again today.” she winked at Kif, as he grew visibly embarrassed.

“Wow- I guess we all learned something here, huh?” Fry said, as everyone turned toward him.

“Yeah, like not to get drunk at Starbabes...” Cubert mumbled.

“What?” Leela and Munda turned toward him.

“Well, also that we should be thankful for the most important things in life, like family and friends!” Fry quickly added.

“And Chinese delivery.” The Professor chimed in.

“Because as long as you have people around you that love you,” Fry continued, “nothing else matters.”

“Like loosing an entire feast.” Leela smirked.

“Uh, yeah! Like that.” he smiled at her, as she shrugged her shoulders, and gave him a small grin.

“So, you're not angry anymore, Leela?” he cautiously kissed her on the cheek.

“No. You're right Fry. We have each other. Everything else is secondary.” she smiled at her friends and family as they returned her smile back at her.

“I'm so glad you're not angry anymore, Leela! I know how much you love turkey.” He gave her a hug as he sat down next to her.

“Yes, and I know how much you love Mom's rat tart...”

“Wait a minute...” Fry stopped her by holding up a hand. “Nibbler ate the rat tart!?”

“Yeah, all of it, but it doesn't matter, right? I mean we have each other and...”

“THAT BASTARD! I'm gonna KILL HIM!” Fry jumped up and ran for the kitchen and started chasing Nibbler around.

“Fry stop it now! Stop!” Everyone shouted and tried to keep him from harming the little alien.

“Come on, you hypocrite!” Cubert glared at him. “You yourself just said...”

“He ate the rat giblet stuffing too, ya know!”

“LET ME AT HIM!” Cubert fumed as he added an additional front to the war on Nibbler.

Chasing Fry and Cubert around the apartment to keep them from harming Nibbler, no one noticed when Morris answered the door to pay for the food...

“Dat be tirty seben dolla, and nineteen cent... HORY CLAP!” The Chinese delivery person screamed and shielded his face as Nibbler ran toward him and devoured all the food he brought. He was then trampled as the entire group in the apartment ran him over, giving chase of the little ravenous eater out into the streets. He last seen them as he gave chase into the streets of New New York as the sun faded into darkness.

“YOU CLAZY PEOPLE! YOU COME BACK AN GIMME TIRTY SEBEN DOLLAH NOOOOOW!!! Ooooh, dere go all my tips for da night, dammit...”

THE END

Buddies