Fan Fiction

The Twelve Days of Xmas
By dinkdrinker

Scene: a shopping district in NNY. Fry, Leela, Bender, Hermes, Amy, and the Professor are walking the sidewalks looking at the window displays...

FRY: Hey! You know what could be fun?


FRY: How about if we sing traditional Christmas carols?

LEELA: You mean X-mas carols?

FRY: No! Christmas carols from MY TIME.

AMY: Fry, I'm afraid we wouldn't KNOW any songs THAT old...

HERMES: How old ARE these songs gonna be? I don't have any papers on me...

FRY: Don't worry, Hermes- they're public domain now! And I can teach you!

BENDER: (Mutters) Oh crap, it's Robot Santa at Macy's all over again...

FRY: (starts to sing) On the FIRST day of Christmas my true love gave to me, a...

LEELA: A new jacket.


LEELA: (grabs Fry's arm and drags him into a store) You need a new jacket, Fry! You've been wearing that piece of crap for the last millennium!

The rest of the crew wait outside impatiently... Fry and Leela come out. Fry has a nice new jacket on.

FRY: THANKS LEELA! (Kisses Leela and hugs her)

LEELA: Now to get rid of THIS... (throws the old jacket in a burn barrel where a couple of bums are trying to stay warm)

BUM: Thanks for the fuel! Merry Xmas!

FRY: Now where were we? Oh yeah! We were SINGING!

PROFESSOR: Oh, someone kill me now...

BENDER: Hang on, old timer... there's eleven more verses...

FRY: On the SECOND day of Christmas my true love gave to me, Two turtle...

LEELA: Turtlenecks. You also need to get rid of those damned t-shirts Fry! Come on! (drags Fry into another store... comes out with two nice knitted turtleneck sweaters)

FRY: Whoa! Thanks Leela!

AMY: Hey, Fry! What's the third day bring? (everyone looks at her) What? I'm curious!

FRY: On the THIRD day of Christmas...

AMY: Xmas.

FRY: But this is MY version! 20th century!

AMY: (rolls eyes) What-EVER...

FRY: On the THIRD day of Christmas, my true love gave to me! Three French...


LEELA: Oh well, I'm game if YOU are... (jumps Fry, and they fall out of sight. Leela comes back up, looking in a compact, fixing her hair and lipstick.)

FRY: (getting back to his feet) I... I like that! We can keep that one... (sings again) Three French kisses...

LEELA: Two turtle necks!

FRY: And a new Jacket Leela bought for me!... wait a minute... (sings again) On the FOURTH day of Christmas, my true love gave to me, four calling birds...

BENDER: WHAT? Do these birds have cell phone telephones?

HERMES: Maybe they're related to our crackpot attorney...

PROFESSOR: Couldn't we say they're TALKING birds? Hmmmm?

FRY: (sighs) FINE... Four TALKING birds...

AMY: Three French kisses! (Leela attacks Fry again)

FRY: I think I can get used to these new lyrics...

LEELA: Two turtlenecks!

BENDER: And a new jacket for my homey! (looks around) What? I got a temporary license to sing on the holidays... it's cool.

FRY: On the FIFTH day of Christmas, my true love gave to me! FIVE GOLDEN...

HERMES: JOINTS! Oh, Acapulco Gold!

PROFESSOR: Four talking birds...

AMY: Three French kisses... we'll wait...

LEELA: Thanks, Amy... Two turtlenecks...

FRY/BENDER: And a new jacket from Macy's!

FRY: On the SIXTH day of Christmas my true love gave to me, Six geese...

BENDER: Roasting! That's old fashioned like, right? Roast goose?


PROFESSOR: Four talking birds.

AMY: Dare I say it? Their tongues are gonna fall off...

LEELA: (grinning after breaking her kisses from Fry) Nah- we're good! Two turtlenecks...

FRY: And a new jacket Leela got me! Hey, maybe next time we can sing the REAL...

BENDER: Come on! We wanna know what day seven brings!

FRY: (Sighs) On the SEVENTH day of Christmas my true love gave to me, Seven swans...

PROFESSOR: SWANS? No, Fry! They're endangered! You can't give THOSE as gifts!

FRY: It's just a SONG! COME ON!

BENDER: How about Owls?

AMY: Eww! No one eats those! Their VERMIN! How 'bout Peacocks?

FRY: But they have to SWIM! The LYRICS!...

AMY: Silly! Peacocks don't SWIM! Seven peacocks prancing!

BENDER: Six geese roasting!

HERMES: FIVE GOLDEN JOINTS!... I... I'll be right back...

PROFESSOR: Four talking birds, here!

AMY: Three... (Leela Jumps Fry, knocking him down and gropes him) Spleesh! Get a ROOM you two!

LEELA: We will... and you can't watch! Two turtlenecks!

FRY: And a new jacket Leela got for me! Damn, that last tackle got it dirty... hope it's not dry clean only...

HERMES: (comes back, eyes bloodshot) Come on, mon! What's number eight? We gotta know!

FRY: On the EIGHTH day of Christmas my true love game to me, eight Maids a milking...

AMY: Eight maids? At the going rate today, they better be Robomaids, or the gift giver will go broke!

BENDER: Robomaids, you say? Heh heh heh... milking what?

AMY: Buggalo!... DUUUH... Seven peacocks prancing...

BENDER: Six geese roasting!

HERMES: FIVE GOLDEN JOINTS!... I... I'm gonna slip off again...

PROFESSOR: Doesn't anybody want the four talking birds?

AMY: Three... (Leela and Fry wait anxiously) WEDGIES! HA! Got YOOOOOOOOUUUCH!!! (Leela gives Amy a wedgie)

LEELA: Not funny. Spoil sport. Two turtlenecks.

FRY: And a new jacket Leela got for... aw crap- hand wash only!

HERMES: (now staggering- eyes are little slits) Coooome OOOOOOOON, mon! What's next? What what what?

FRY/HERMES: (Fry looks at Hermes with a weird look as he joins him singing) On the NINTH day of Christmas my true love gave to me...

HERMES: Come on mon! The suspense is KILLING ME! Oh I can't take this stress... Be back... (runs off again)

FRY: Nine Ladies Dancing!

BENDER: Oh yeah! SHAKE IT baby! We can keep this one this way... Nine women shaking their bootays AND eight robomaids? I'm starting to LIKE this song!

FRY: Eight maids...

AMY: ROBOmaids milking buggalo... Seven Peacocks prancing!

BENDER: Six geese roasting!

HERMES: Five... Uh... hang on, daddy needs his medicine... (lights up)

PROFESSOR: Just what ARE these birds chatting about?

AMY: (holding her ass/crotch defensively) Three... (Sees Leela reaching over with a scowl on her face) NOT WEDGIES!!! KISSES! HONEST!

LEELA: (giggling, holding onto Fry as he gets more and more like molten butter in her arms) Two turtlenecks!

FRY: (trying to gain composure) Uh... I... Th-thanks for the jacket, Leela!

HERMES: (hanging onto Fry) EVERYBODY!... On the TENTH day of Christmas my true love gave to me!

FRY: (looks concerned at Hermes) Ten Lords a Leaping...

LEELA: What KIND of Lords? Fake title like ones, or a bunch of Zombie Jesuses? And just why the HELL are they leaping?

HERMES: JUST SING IT, PEOPLE!!! (takes another hit)

FRY: Nine Ladies...

BENDER: Shaking their groove thangs! Whoo!

AMY: Eight robomaids milking buggalo... Seven peacocks prancing!

BENDER: Can those geese wait? I wanna get down and funky with the ladies and robomaids! They can roast themselves, damn it!

HERMES: ... Uhhhh, is this my part? (takes another hit)

PROFESSOR: (Sighs) I can't GIVE these damned four birds away...

AMY: (cringes away from Leela) Three French kisses...

LEELA: (now starting to get as excited as Fry) Two turtle necks, sweetie!

FRY: And a jacket you gave me! Can we have fun taking these off?

HERMES: (takes out his calculator) Oh! RIGHT! (giggles) ELEVEN, Fry! EEEEELEEEEVEEEEEN!!!

FRY: On the ELEVENTH day of Christmas my true love gave to me, eleven pipers...

BENDER: Plumbing! (looks at Fry) What? If you work with PIPES, you're a PLUMBER, right?

LEELA: Ten Zombie Jesuses... really? What kind of a gift is THAT?

BENDER: NINE lovely ladies... NINE of 'em... oh yeah! Jackpot for Bender!

AMY: Eight robomaids milking, and seven peacocks prancing!... hey, how come I have to do two in a row?

BENDER: I think your geese are beyond roasting at THIS point, meatbags... (chugs a beer)

HERMES: Five... five... (looks at his stash) Here, Everyone! It's XMAS!!!

PROFESSOR: What if I genetically altered the four talking birds?

AMY: Do I HAVE to sing it?


AMY: (sighs) Three French kisses... (shakes her head)

LEELA: T-t-two t-turtlenecks... damn Fry, you're a good kisser!

FRY: (nuzzling against Leela) And a new jacket Leela got for me! (Whispers) Thank you for EVERYTHING!

HERMES: On... uh... on...

BENDER: Twelve, Rasta man, TWELVE.

HERMES: YES! WE MADE IT! On the TWELFTH day of Christmas, my true love gave to me!

FRY: Can... can we skip to three again?


FRY: Twelve drummers drumming!

HERMES: Oh... normally that'd give me a headache, but not NOW!

BENDER: Eleven Plumbers plumbing!

LEELA: Ten Zombie Jesuses... man THAT is WEIRD.

BENDER: I'm gonna get me some of those nine ladies! Hope camera number three works tonight...

AMY: Eight robomaids milking and seven peacocks prancing...

BENDER: The six geese I think are now charcoal... what say we do ham instead?

HERMES: F-fi-fiiiiiiive... uh... (passes out)

PROFESSOR: Four nuclear altered talking creatures of avian origin!

AMY: (shields eyes) Three French kisses! Oh you two! Even I'M getting embarrassed!

LEELA: (Has Fry pinned down) Two turtle necks! We are gonna have SOO much FUN dressing and undressing with your new clothes!

FRY: And a new jacket Leela got for MEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!

The scene changes to the Professor's lab. Everyone is in front of the 'What-If Machine'. They all turn and look at Fry.

BENDER: What is WRONG with you?

AMY: Spleesh!

HERMES: That made me look like I have a 'problem'!

ZOIDBERG: (crying) Where was ZOIDBERG!? I wanted to sing too!

Everyone walks off.

FRY: But... but Leela! Look! (points above himself) Mistletoe!

LEELA: (icily) No dice, Fry...

Everyone leaves Fry alone, dejected.

LEELA: (comes running back) Merry Xmas, Fry! (tackles him, smothering him with kisses)