Futurama

Fan Fiction

Under the River and Through the Sewers
By dinkdrinker

MORRIS: Wow, that was a great dinner, kids! Thanks for inviting us!

MUNDA: You must come down to our place for dinner some time! How's next week? Say Thursday?

LEELA: Well, we would, but Fry has something planned for next Thursday- something he calls 'Thanksgiving'.

MUNDA/MORRIS: Thanksgiving?

FRY: Yeah! A great holiday from my times!

MORRIS: Oh! An ancient holiday! What's it about, Fry?

FRY: Well, it's basically a day where family gets together. We watched a huge parade that ended in front of Macy's, then everyone ate until we got sick, and watched sports on TV all day!

MUNDA/LEELA: Really!?

MORRIS: Sounds good to ME! Tell me more, Fry!

FRY: Well, I usually ate until I blew chunks, so the rest of the details are fuzzy- something to do with Lions and Cowboys, I think.

MUNDA: Kids, why don't you have your holiday at OUR house? Invite your friends! And Fry, invite your nephew and his boy!

LEELA: Fry, I don't think we should...

MUNDA: Nonsense, sweetie! It'd be our pleasure! A nice family get together with plenty of food and fun!

LEELA: The PROFESSOR and CUBERT? FUN?

MORRIS: Oh, I know! Invite Amy and Kif too!

FRY: Come on Leela! It'll be a blast! From the past!

LEELA: Oh... FINE. But I insist we all bring something so you don't have to do all the cooking, Mom!

MUNDA: What? You don't think everyone would eat Rat tartar? Hmmm, maybe I can make crocodile burgers...

LEELA: Uh, maybe WE can bring everything, so we can, uh, have traditional foods! (drags her parents to the front door and hands them their jackets)

FRY: Bologna? It's O.K. by me... (Leela ushers them outside)

MORRIS: Oh! Bologna? 'Wunderbar'!

MUNDA: Well, it's a date! See you kids then! (Leela closes the door)

LEELA: FRY! What did you do? You KNOW my parents can't afford to feed everyone!

FRY: Relax! If there's ONE THING I remember about this holiday, is that you can sucker other people into bringing food so YOU don't have to cook!


OPENING CREDITS

CAPTION: NO ONE wants to see Santa at the end of THIS parade!


Scene: Planet Express. The Fourth Thursday in November.

PROFESSOR: SO what are we doing again, Fry? Some lame assed holiday from YOUR time?

CUBERT: More like some made up excuse to pig out! (snorts)

LEELA: He says it's an old U.S. Holiday. Although I myself question his knowledge on it...

FRY: (removes himself from leaning within the fridge- his arms are laden with all kinds of containers) All right! I got the food! Where IS everyone?

LEELA: Hermes and his family won't make it- something about having to file additional paperwork for a new holiday... Bender said HE'S thankful for $1 hookerbots, and took off. Amy and Kif will meet us there later- something about having difficulty finding what they want to bring.

FRY: Huh. I guess we're ready then! Hey! I know a traditional song to sing! Does anyone wanna hear it?

EVERYONE: NO!

FRY: (Starts singing) Over the river and through the woods...

CUBERT: Duh! More like UNDER the river, and through the SEWERS!

FRY: Oh YEAH! (starts singing again) UNDER the river and through the SEWERS to Morris and Munda's we go!...

PROFESSOR: Damn you, Cubert! You HAD to say something! (hits him. Cubert doesn't flinch) Uh, Leela?

LEELA: With pleasure! (cracks Cubert upside the head)

CUBERT: Ouch!


Scene: The sewers. The four surface dwellers are seen outside the Turanga home.

PROFESSOR: Now I want you on your best behavior, boy! We are honored guests of the Turangas on this silly assed made up holiday! Don't ruin it!

CUBERT: You're talking to me?

PROFESSOR: You too, Cubert!

LEELA: Well, he we go... (knocks on the door)

MUNDA: (opens the door) Oh! Happy Thanksgiving! Come in! Come in! (kisses Leela and Fry and lets them in) And welcome, Hubert! Always nice to see you and your son! (jostles Cubert's hair) And how are you, sweetheart?

CUBERT: (embarrassed) Fine, ma'am.

MORRIS: Come in guys! Hey Fry! Let my daughter take all that food, so you can rest with us GUYS, all right?

FRY: You heard your dad! Here ya go! (dumps all the food onto the table in front of Leela)

LEELA: (just glares at the food, then Fry) Sure thing, sweetie. (icily) ANYTHING so YOUR holiday doesn't get ruined.

FRY: (flops down on the sofa next to Morris, the Professor, and Cubert) What's on the boob tube?

MORRIS: Well, I found a game- The Florida Porpoises versus the Texas Cowpies. Just started!

CUBERT: (rubs his hand together) I got a month's lunch money riding on the Cowpies! GO TEXAS!

PROFESSOR: My son? GAMBLING?

CUBERT: (reaches into his pocket and shows him a slip of paper) But Dad! The spread! Look! It's a no brainer! Besides, NO ONE bets against the Cowpies on the fourth Thursday of November!

MORRIS: (nods in agreement) True, true.

In the kitchen...

LEELA: Look at them out there! All gathered around the television, acting like buffoons!

MUNDA: (Smirks) It DOES look like they're having fun! What do you say we start the food and join them!

LEELA: MOTHER! You can't be serious! Watch a bunch of huge sweaty, muscular men in skin tight pants...

MUNDA: (smirks) You were saying?

LEELA: (blushes slightly) I- uh, I'll get the veggies started. Here's the turkey.

MUNDA: (chuckles, taking the turkey and starts to stuff it) Thank you, dear. So... Leela. Does FRY wear any pants like THAT for you?

LEELA: (beet red) MOTHER!

MUNDA: Well, DOES he? (Leela blushes redder yet, and nods once. Pats her on the back) Atta girl! Almost done... alright! Into the oven with you! (places the stuffed turkey in the oven)

LEELA: All right, mom. All the veggies are diced and ready to cook, or they've been placed on a platter for snacking!

MUNDA: (wipes her tentacles dry on a towel) Well, what are we waiting for then? Let's join them! (grabs the veggie platter and goes into the living room) Veggies and dip, everyone!

FRY: Oooh! OLIVES!

LEELA: Fry, PLEASE, don't do anything CHILDISH.

FRY: (grabs an olive and pops it in his mouth) Like what Leela?

LEELA: Like, I don't know, PLAYING with your... oh, Lord.

FRY: (turns around to see the Professor, Cubert and Morris with olives stuck on their fingers. Munda is giggling, and takes a picture) Oh! Lemme join! Come ON Leela! It's fun! (starts grabbing olives. There is a knock on the door)

LEELA: I got it, mom! (opens the door to Amy and Kif. They are dressed as Native Americans, and have brought a huge supply of traditional Thanksgiving foods with them) Amy! Kif! How nice to, uh, see you! You look... different!

AMY: I know! Neat huh? It was Kiffy's idea!

KIF: Amy and I looked up on line Fry's Holiday, and low and behold, it DID exist! We did some research, and decided to come as the friendly, helpful natives who brought their food to the huge feast! Hello Morris, Munda! Professor! Cubert! Hello, Fry!

FRY: (confused) Huh? You have it all wrong! Cowboys and LIONS!

KIF: Wh-what?

LEELA: Never mind the idiot. Come on in!

AMY: Hi everybody! We brought traditional Old New England Thanksgiving food! Oysters, lobster, beans, squash, and venison!... Well... venison... sausage...

KIF: (looks at Amy) If we had did the hunting MY WAY none of that would have happened!

AMY: (pats Kif on the shoulder) We never would have HIT the deer! We'd tried all morning! My way worked! It was just a little... setback, that's all!

KIF: You call THAT a little setback? The deer wandered onto federal property! No firearms allowed on federal property!

AMY: Well, spleesh! How was I to know!?

KIF: (sighs) Amy- you shot off one of the ANTIQUE CANNONS on the battlefield!

AMY: (holds up a piece of what once was a deer) But I bagged it!

MUNDA: (takes the venison) I've worked with worse, darling!

Quite some time later...

The end of a very close game...

CUBERT: (snorts) This is preposterous! First it SNOWS in Texas, now the Porpoises are going for the win with a field goal? HAH! They have to clean the ice and snow first, to even try!

MORRIS: Huh... looks like that's what they're doing...

PROFESSOR: The snap...

KIF: The kick...

TV ANNOUNCER: IT'S GOOOOOOOOOD!!! PORPOISES WIIIIIN!!!

CUBERT: NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

Cubert, the Professor and Morris are dumbfounded, as Fry and Kif cheer wildly)

FRY: HA! IN YER FACE, NERD NUGGET! (wags his ass in Cubert's face)

CUBERT: Awww, man! I can't BELIEVE this! (hands Fry a wad of cash)

PROFESSOR: Uhwah? You... you bet FRY?

FRY: (waves the wad around in the air) Score one for the Fry man! Whoo! Am I great or... (turns around to see Leela.)

LEELA: Fry. (holds out her hand.)

FRY: Awwww... (Places the money in Leela's hand)

LEELA: (Shoves the cash down her blouse) Thank you.

FRY: Uh, can I go retrieve that later?... with my teeth?

LEELA: (points back to the living room) NO.

AMY: (from the kitchen) LEELA! Your mom and I need your help! Dinner's almost done!

LEELA: All right, everyone! Could you men set the table?

CUBERT: Yes, Leela.

LEELA: (Walks into the kitchen-there is food plated everywhere- somehow, Munda has pulled it off) Whoa, Mom! Look at all this FOOD! And it smells DEVINE! How'd you DO IT all?

MUNDA: (obviously proud of herself) It's all in the timing, dear! I think if the three of us each take two or three trips we can get all the food out to 'our men'! (rolls her eye. Amy and Munda start grabbing dishes and platters)

LEELA: What? THEY are perfectly capable of helping! Hang on! (walks into the next room to see all the men seated around the table, holding their plates out to Leela) Oh Lord. Come on, guys! This is going to be a while! We are going to need help taking all the food out! FRY! (Fry has the table cloth tucked into his shirt) Be a dear and help me take out some dishes!

FRY: Aye-aye, Captain! (stands up, and all the silver and plates go crashing to the floor) Uh... oops? (Munda and Amy come running to investigate)

AMY: OH, SPLUCK!

MUNDA: Oh. (covers her face in disgust) Oh my. I think I have some clean wood shingles...uh clean utensils will be a problem...

LEELA: (at the verge of tears) FRY! YOU RUINED EVERYTHING! How... how COULD YOU!?

FRY: B-but Leela, I...

LEELA: (now crying) Don't you 'but Leela' ME! Us girls have worked hard for your stupid crummy holiday, and you guys didn't lift a finger to help! Not a FINGER! (The Professor quickly holds a finger up. Fry, Morris and Kif quickly pull his hand down) I could care LESS about YOU, but you ruined it for EVERYONE! (turns her back to him and starts bawling)

KIF: (whispers to Fry) SAY something to her!

FRY: (whispers back) There's no saying nothing to her when she's like this! Just let her run her course.

KIF: What IS 'running her course'?

FRY: (laughs) Well, NORMALLY she'd come HERE... fat chance at THAT!

LEELA: (turns around to face him- she looks possessed) FRRRRRY!!!

FRY: eep!

LEELA: Get in there... NOW. Bring out ALL the food. SET THE (BLEEPING BLEEP BLEEPED) TABLE!

FRY: Y-y-y-yes M-m-m-ma'am! (Goes tearing into the kitchen.)

KIF: Oh! Oh my! I- I think I can help him!

PROFESSOR: My, yes, help!

MORRIS: Come on, Cubert! (all the men run into the kitchen. Once they leave, Leela wipes her eye)

LEELA: (whispers to Amy) TOLD you it'd work!

AMY: (whispers back) I never thought...

MUNDA: (whispers to Amy) Honey, have we got a lot to teach YOU!

FRY: Here's the turkey, venison, and sweet potatoes!

PROFESSOR: Beans and uh... this stuff.

MORRIS: Lobster and oysters.. and looks like corn.

CUBERT: We're gonna go get the rest, Miss Turanga!

MUNDA: Well, that takes care of one problem. The shingles are clean so we can eat off of those, but I'm afraid there isn't enough utensils to go around...

AMY: Uh, Believe it or not, Mrs. Turanga, Kif may have an answer to that...

KIF: (comes in holding various bowls and platters) Yes my love?

AMY: Maybe you can tell them more about the first Thanksgiving!

KIF: (giggles) Oh, my! Of course! Did you know they didn't have half the utensils we have today? Many people ate with their HANDS! I mean... We could share the knives... everything else...

MUNDA: (looks at Fry) it's YOUR Holiday, sweetie...

FRY: (looks at Leela) Uuuuh, I think I read something like that...

LEELA: (face palms) Oh, ALL RIGHT.

PROFESSOR: Huzzah! Thanksgiving is saved!

MUNDA: Come on, Leela, this can be fun! It'll be like a hands on history lesson! (sees the men have now set the table and everything is ready) Well, now! It looks like we're ready! (spreads her tentacles) let's eat! (everyone sits down around the table and digs in, heaping their plates)

KIF: Shouldn't we say 'Grace'?

AMY: What for? And who is SHE?

KIF: No silly! Give thanks! This IS Thanksgiving! (everyone mumbles in agreement)

LEELA: Fry, would YOU say grace, for the first Thanksgiving in this millennium?

FRY: Sure! 'GRACE'!

LEELA: Wise ass. (slaps him lightly)

FRY: Ow! Uh... all right... I got one! 'Good food, good meat, Good GOD, LET'S EAT'

MORRIS: YEAH, LORDY! (Munda and Leela hide their faces. Everyone starts chowing down as if they were starved)

FRY: See, honey! Everything turned out FINE!

LEELA: Uh. (bites into a turkey leg)

FRY: Leela, could you pass the rolls?

LEELA: (Sweetly) Sure! (picks up a roll and throws it at him. It bounces off his head into Cubert's hands)

CUBERT: INTERCEPTION! (snort-snort) Thank you, Leela..

LEELA: (chewing her turkey) Welcome.

A few hours later...

Everyone is pushed away from the table, holding their bellies. There are a few groans here and there.

AMY: Oh, that was GOOD!

PROFESSOR: Oh my, yes! Very delicious! Cubert, you seemed to really enjoy the rat gibblet stuffing!

CUBERT: Yes, dad! (whispers to Munda) It's really turkey and pork, huh?

MUNDA: (gives him a squeeze and whispers back) Our little secret, honey!

MORRIS: (belches) Oh my! Heh heh, sorry!

PROFESSOR: Oh dear... (burps) Pardon me!

LEELA: Oh Fry, PLEASE SAY...

FRY: Nah, I'm fine... but wait 'til the turkey farts kick in!

KIF: T-turkey farts? Oh, oh no.

AMY: I... I think I'll volunteer to do the shingles for you, Mrs. Turanga... LEELA!?

LEELA: Uh... YEAH. (takes off after Amy)

MUNDA: (Flops down in a chair, next to the men now on the couch, exhausted) Whew. Really, Fry? Turkey farts? Can't be THAT bad! I AM married to MORRIS!

MORRIS: Oh no... (leans slightly and lets one slip out)

MUNDA: Morris? Really?

PROFESSOR: Flatus! Mwehehehehe! (Farts) Oh! Oh my!

FRY: Amateurs! (rips one and shakes the couch. Munda hides her face again in disgust)

KIF: Oh... Oh... oh NO... (a green cloud forms behind him)

PROFESSOR: OH LORD! That'd knock a buzzard off of a gut wagon!

MORRIS: WHOO! That would gag a maggot!

FRY: MY daddy always said 'SH*T 'EM FULL, BOY! YOU'RE WEARIN' 'EM'

CUBERT: MY TURN! (face turns red, and in a mighty burst...)

MORRIS: Oh oh... speaking of...

CUBERT: M-mrs. Turanga, ma'am?

MUNDA: (straight faced, staring into space) Second door to the right.

CUBERT: (gets up holding onto his backside) Thank you. (runs to the toilet)

MORRIS: (unbuttons his trousers, and leans back) So, Fry...is this the part of the Holiday where we all start to blow chunks?

FRY: (Has his button and fly undone. He has a beer in one hand, and his other just inside the elastic of his underwear, rubbing his gut) Sure... why not?

KIF: Well, if THAT is the case, I think Cubert won THIS round! (everyone chuckles)

PROFESSOR: Oh my, yes! But it was the WRONG ORIFICE! (everyone burst out laughing- Munda smirks, and tried to hide the fact by shielding her face with her tentacle)

MUNDA: Oh, boys WILL be boys!

LEELA: (coming out of the kitchen with Amy) 'Boys will be boys'? What did they do NOW, mom?

AMY: Kiffy! What have you... (sniffs) OH LORD, KIF! And do ALL of you have to have your pants... (giggles)

KIF: It wasn't ALL me... (trails off)

MUNDA: It's nothing, dear! It's just that they're at the 'next stage' of the holiday- the getting to blow chunks... (rolls her eye) and other things.

LEELA: Other things? Where's Cubert?

PROFESSOR: THAT, Leela, falls under the 'OTHER THINGS'. (everyone minus Leela and Amy, burst out laughing again)

LEELA: So... you guys all ate until you feel sick. Idiots.

AMY: Well, I guess all those desserts will just be split between Mrs. Turanga, Leela, and I! (All the men hop to their feet)

FRY: No one said THAT!

MORRIS: I'm in!

KIF: I still have some elasticity left... sure.

PROFESSOR: Don't want to be the odd man out... (they all sit around the table. Then start to look at the women as they sit down.)

FRY: Uh, Leela? Aren't you forgetting something?

MUNDA/AMY: Uh oh... (they look at each other, get up, and go into the kitchen to get the pies, cakes, puddings and other various desserts)

LEELA: No. No Fry. I am NOT.

FRY: (pouts) But... but pie! PIE, Leela! (Munda and Amy come back with the desserts and set them on the table) PIE!!! Look, Leela! Pumpkin! With whipped cream!

LEELA: Oh! Would you like some pie, sweetie?

FRY: Yeah!

LEELA: You like whipped cream?

FRY: LOVE IT! (Leela dips a couple of fingers into the middle of a mound of whipped cream on the pie, and licks it sexfully.)

LEELA: (looks at the whipped cream and places a dollop on Fry's nose) So... (licks a little of it off) You wanna have... (sucks the rest of the whipped cream off his nose) MORE?

FRY: Y-y-y-y-yeeeeeessss.... Leee-l-laaaa...

LEELA: Here. (She plasters the pie on his face.) Eat up, Fry.

MORRIS: Munda, don't we still have cherry p... oh no. (Munda hits him with a pie.)

AMY: Kif...(Hits him with a coconut custard pie) NOW you MEN are going to let US LADIES enjoy the rest of this damned HOLIDAY!

PROFESSOR: (looks around at the three pissed off women) Oh... Oh my... (picks up the cake and hits himself with it) I feel sad now.

FRY: Uh, gee guys... maybe we should tell the girls about my MOM'S favorite holiday that she celebrated the fourth FRIDAY of November... she called it the 'I AIN'T LIFTING A (BLEEPING) FINGER- GET IT YERSELF!' Holiday...

THE END

CUBERT: (Sitting on the toilet) Hey! Help! Come on, REALLY!? No toilet paper!? HERE!?

Buddies