Futurama

Fan Fiction

Xmas Eve at the Orphanarium
By dinkdrinker

It's late night on Xmas Eve at the Orphanarium. All the children are fast asleep, piled around and on top of a sleeping Fry for warmth. Nibbler is on the very top, like a cherry on a sundae. Leela is wrapped in a blanket, sitting in a chair, waiting for the (now late) arrival of Santa Bender.

Just as Leela nods off... a loud bang comes from the next room.

BENDER: Aw crap! Damn cheap Chinese labor! Couldn't they box up these Tri-ominos better?

LEELA: (walking into the room)Shhhh! Bender, be quiet! You'll wake up everyone!

BENDER: (now speaking in a hushed tone) You mean they're all still asleep? Good! I don't want any of those rotten little sausage links bugging me right now! Besides, I am SO sick of the traditional 'bite Santa's ass'. Who started that damned stupid tradition anyways?

LEELA: (smirking) Nibbler. Anyways, what took you so long? You're late.

BENDER: Look here, Big boots. You think it's easy carrying around large copper kettles, tubing, and filtration systems? Those damned 'Zymurgy for Kiddies' books aren't light either!

LEELA: (looking over all the brand new- and presumably stolen- brewing equipment) Well, at least you brought them the one thing they needed. What else did you bring?

BENDER: (looking in his sack) Let's see, the book 'One Thousand and One Insults' for Sam...

LEELA: O.K., Does that really...

BENDER: Dexatrim for Albert...

LEELA: Bender, really!?

BENDER:(ignoring Leela's shock) a book entitled 'Leadership Without Murder' for Nina...

LEELA: Ooh! She'll like that! But still a bad idea...

BENDER: a life size 'Little Naughty Nellie doll' for Bethany...

LEELA: Oh come on! You went to an ADULT STORE to get her...

BENDER:(Interrupting) a 'How to Please the Opposite Sex' book for my favorite meat bag...

LEELA: (grabbing the book and stashing it under her blanket, blushing) Fry doesn't need that.

BENDER: A new make-up kit and mirror for my favorite Chumpette... (Bender hands her a mirror and clown make-up)

LEELA: (tersely) Bender...

BENDER: The keys to the Goose Farm on Long Island, for Nibbler...I bet the damned hog will eat it all in one day...

LEELA: Bender! He's allergic to goose! He wanted ham!

BENDER: I know- heh heh heh. And last but not least... for Sally.

Bender reaches into the bag one last time pulling out Sally's present, and handing it to Leela; he is obviously quite proud of it.

LEELA: Oh, Bender, you DIDN'T.

BENDER: Yup! The perfect gift! Q-tips and baby oil!

LEELA: (thoroughly disgusted) Now why did you get her cotton swabs and baby oil?

BENDER: Duh, three ears? Think of the wax build up! The little skin tube is supposed to stay clean, right? Weeeell- here ya go! (Bender points at the gift) It was either that or mustache wax for the end of her tail. (Bender pops open a beer and swigs it down, then belches)

LEELA: Oh, Bender! I can't believe you! These are terrible presents!

BENDER: Really? Wow- then I guess you'll really hate the gifts I got the seven orphans that were adopted! Hahahahaha! (Bender holds up a book- 'You're Adopted!... You're Still Not Loved'; subtitle- 'You're just a tax deduction')

Bender is doubled over in laughter as Leela kicks him in the head and knocks him backwards. He lands flat on his back, rocking side to side trying to get back up. Leela jumps him, pinning him down.

LEELA: Look it here, Tin man! When we gave you this job, it was to brighten up the lives of the little kids just one day of the year. YOU insult their looks, foster the growth of bad habits, and encourage lifestyles that will get them arrested! What do you have to say for yourself!?

BENDER: Let me think for a second here, one eye... O.K.- I got one... Wow, THAT will be tough to top next year! Ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Leela has reached the end of her rope with Bender. She yells her battle cry, and starts pummeling Bender, denting him, and detaching one of his arms to beat him with it. Neither one is too terribly worried about being quiet any more.

LEELA: I'M GONNA KICK YOUR SHINY METAL ASS, YOU DIRTY SON-OF-A...

The noise wakes up everyone in the Ophanarium, and they come to investigate...

CHILDREN: It's Santa Bender! Yay!

The kids all gather around Leela and Bender, slathering Bender with kisses, hugging him, and just generally annoying him. Leela gets off of Bender, allowing the children better access to maul their gift giver.

FRY: Hey, Leela! Merry Xmas!

LEELA: (wrapping the blanket around the two of them and cuddling up) Merry Xmas, Fry.

Leela gives Fry a big wet kiss, as the book falls out from the folds of the blanket.

FRY: you reading a new book? Whatcha reading?

LEELA: (quickly stashing the book out of view) Er, uh- it's nothing, sweetie! Just studying up on something! That's all.

FRY: Whoa- the kids really like what Bender got them, look!

Fry goes running off for a closer look. Leela, afraid to look, is shocked to see the children happier than she's seen them in a long time. Nina is reading from her book, and is organizing a brewery crew, Albert has donated his weight loss pills for the new diet beer they invented, Sam had shamed Bender into setting up the brewery, and is constantly badgering him to assemble faster, Bethany is counting her money for 'renting out' her 'doll' to a guy on the street, and Sally is building things with her cotton swabs and the tri-ominos, and had given her baby oil to Fry to use.

NIBBLER: (Walking in) Merry Xmas, Leela.

LEELA: Aw, Merry Xmas, pooperdoodle! (she kisses Nibbler on the forehead)

FRY: (walking back) O.K.- Leela- here's an Xmas gift from me... (Fry has his hands oiled up and is now massaging Leela's feet. Leela purrs with pleasure)

NIBBLER: (Glances down at his gift, with disgust, then looks at Fry and Leela, knowingly) I think I stall leave you two alone now. Besides, duty awaits.

Nibbler nonchalantly walks across the room twirling the goose farm key on a finger, just as Bender finishes assembling the brewery.

BENDER: Man, I'm tellin' ya buddy! Now look at me! I think the only place that wasn't hit was my... AAAUUUGH!!!!

Bender goes flying past with his arms waving in the air screaming. Behind him, is Nibbler- attached to his not so shiny, and now severely bitten, metal ass. All the children scream in excitement over their turn...

FADE OUT.

Buddies