Futurama

Fan Fiction

Matters of Life and Death, part 10 - Art Attack
By Dwayne Anderson

Warning - The situations portrayed in this story are based on real deaths and are extremely graphic.


"What a girl wants, a girl gets." Sound familiar? It's an old expression, with a

lot of truth to it.

If the key to a man's heart is through his stomach, what's the key to a woman's

heart? There's an old saying, "diamonds are a girl's best friend." Many a woman

has been lavished with gifts from male admirers. Some of these women have gone

even farther. If she's not getting enough, she'll drop her lover and find another.

It's sort of like the sport of fishing, if you don't like what you caught, throw

it back.

Unfortunately for men, there are women like this. Say "hi" to Michelle.

Michelle is Fry's ex-girlfriend from the twentieth century. On the eve of the

millenium when he was cyrogenically frozen, she dumped him for another man and

threw all his stuff out. Ouch. Later, she cyrogenically froze herself after

she discovered her husband having an affair with another man. In the thirty-first

century, she was reunited with Fry. But once again, she ended up dumping him

for another man. Some people never change do they?

Twice now Michelle has broken Fry's heart. Will he pay her back? Let's find out

shall we?


"I have something I want to show you?" Michelle's current lover is an artist and sculptor. He leads her into a darkened room blindfolded. He has quite a surprise for her. He turns on the lights and removes the blindfold. "Ta-da!"

Michelle is awestruck at what she sees: a lifesized statue of her, carved from stone with various jewels decorating it. The statue has diamond earrings, ruby lips, pearl eyes, golden eyelashes, sapphire fingernails, and a whole lot more.

"Like it?" he asks.

Michelle smiles. "I love it!" she said. "I'm going to put it in my apartment!"

"I'm glad you like it," her lover boy said. "I worked so hard on it! It pleases me you appreciate my work."

Michelle's words say she loves the statue, but her mind says otherwise. She actually hates the statue. It's the jewelry she loves. She's decided that it would look a lot better on her. What she can't wear, she'll sell. She's only going to transfer it to her apartment so her boyfriend wouldn't see her destroy it for the jewels. Hey, what a girl wants, a girl gets! Right?

Michelle however is also quite vain. She doesn't want to risk breaking a nail to get all those jewels. Her solution: get someone else to do it. I'm pretty sure you've figured out who it is.


"Michelle baby!" Fry greets her as he enters. "How have you been doing?" Fry obviously has forgotten about how she broke his heart twice. Nice guy huh?

"Did you bring the stuff I asked for?" asked Michelle.

"I got them!" said Fry holding up a hammer and chisel that he borrowed from Bender's burglary tool kit.

Michelle leads Fry into her bedroom. No, not for what any other guy would be hoping for.

"Are you sure you want me to do this?" asked Fry. "What will your boyfriend think if I destroy what he worked so hard on?"

"Just do it!" Michelle orders. "I want those jewels!"

"Sheesh! Alright already!" Fry grumbles. He puts the chisel to the statue and goes to work.

First he chips off the eyelashes and the fingernails. Then he sets off to work on the lips.

"Be careful with those jewels!" Michelle warns him. "They're worth a fortune!"

Fry takes out both of the eyes and sets the jewels he's taken out onto the bed. All that's left are the diamond earrings.

Unfortunately, by now the chisel's end is bent. It's useless. He's going to have to do it by hand. He grabs one of the diamond earrings and pulls at it.

"Harder!" Michelle orders him.

Fry pulls harder and harder. The area of the stone ear where the earring hands begins to crack.

"Pull harder dammit!" Michelle says.

Fry's hands by now begin to hurt from all the work.

"My hands!" he cries.

"Suck it up you big baby!" Michelle yells at him. "Suck it up!"

At that moment, the earring comes loose. The sudden freedom of the earring throws Fry backwards to the floor. The earring is flung from his hand at the moment it comes free from the statue and flies...right into Michelle's mouth...and down her throat. She begins to cough and choke, clutching her throat.

Panicking, Fry quickly forces himself up and rushes to her side. "Now don't worry, I know exactly what to do!" He stands behind her and beings to apply the Heimlich maneuver. He applies his hands to her torso and compresses down while tightening his grip around her sides. To other women, this may look like a passionate embrace, but it's not.

Fry repeats the process several more times before finally, the Heimlich creates an artificial cough of expelled air, causing Michelle to cough up the diamond earring. Fry releases his grip on her with a proud smile, only for it to vanish once she falls to the floor.

"Michelle!" He gets down on his knees beside her. "Are you alright?" He picks up an arm and feels for her pulse, but finds nothing. "Oh my goodness!"

Fry's Heimlich had saves Michelle from choking to death, but it still didn't save her life.

The Heimlich manuever saves many lives every year. However, Fry didn't perform it correctly. In doing so, he inflicted crushing injuries to Michelle's chest, rupturing her aortic valve, a blood vessel that pumps blood to and from the heart, causing massive internal hemorrhaging that led to rapid death.

Was it an accident? A mistake? Or was it a case of retributive karma unintentionally inflicted by a twice-jilted boyfriend? Whichever way it was, Fry had paid Michelle back for breaking his heart.

Michelle was one of those material women who stayed with a man as long as he gave her what she needed, and more importantly, what she wanted. They say diamonds are a girl's best friend, but what king of friend would kill. In the end, Michelle learned the hard way, "Diamonds don't last forever."

Being dead does!

To Be Continued

Buddies