Fan Fiction

Matters of Life and Death, part 13 - Plumper Humper
By Dwayne Anderson

You're never too old for anything: to learn, to love, or to enjoy life. As in the case of Farnsworth. Like I said, "cartoons aren't real life."

We join Farnsworth early one evening as he knocks on the door to a house in the suburbs of New New York. He's carrying a bouquet of flowers and a box of chocolates.

The door opens and Farnsworth is greeted by a pretty but overweight young woman with a sweet smile. "Hi Hubie," she says. Farnsworth blushes in reply.

Those who have seen "300 Big Boys" will recognize her as that punk girl who spent her tax refund to make herself look thinner just as Farnsworth used his to make himself younger. Recent episodes where she made a cameo appearance had her looking thin again, but blame that error on the producers. Recent commentaries on one episode gave her the name "April".

All you jerks out there, save the mooing and fat jokes for when she's not around.

Recently, April had won a beauty pageant that celebrates inner beauty, where the contestants were all plus-sized. Other than Farnsworth, there were only a few men present in the audience. Not many men are attracted to fat women, preferring those who are slender and beautiful, but Farnsworth is obviously an exception. You can't judge a book by its cover. Anyone who's seen "Shallow Hal" knows that sometimes real beauty is on the inside.

Farnsworth and April are an example of a May-December romance where the age gap between a man and woman in a relationship is very large, as in several decades.

Hey, just because there's snow on the mountain doesn't mean there's no fire in the oven!

Farnsworth's date with April begins with dinner. Luckily there is no all you can eat buffet. Later they go to the movies, sitting in the balcony where there is room for a plus sized date. Finally, they head back to her house.

Both sit on the sofa, Farnsworth flicking chocolates into her mouth like a dolphin trainer throws fish to the dolphins. And then...

"Want to see my new bedroom?" asked April in a seductive voice. "Or better yet..."

I don't think you need to know. What are you getting yourself into Farnsworth?

"ooooh...yes...yes!" Farnsworth says. "Yes...there...there...no there!"

Both are clad in only their underwear, moaning in pleasure. Farnsoworth is lying on the bed and April is over him, thrusting her enormous pelvis, her hands upon the mattress. The lights are out. The only light is coming from the window with a full moon out. A perfect evening for romance.

Like I said, just because there's snow on the mountain doesn't mean there's no fire in the oven!

"Ooooh baby! You are the greatest!" Farnsworth says. "This has got to be the best night of my life!"

Unfortunately, it's also going to be the last night of your life Farnsworth. Know why?

A fat young lady and a skinny old man. There's a clue. You still need another hint? Well what could possibly go wrong? Ooops, there I said it again!

April is breathing heavily, then she shrieks out in pleasure as both she and Farnsworth climax. Once the adrenaline of orgasm ends, April passes out on top of Farnsworth.

Several minutes later, she comes to. Unfortunately, the damage has already been done.

"Oh Hubie," she says seductively, "for an old geezer, you sure know how to please a lady! You're such a better lover than my last boyfriend!"

No reply from Farnsworth.

"Hubie?" asked April in a concerned voice. She reaches over and turns on the lamp, but when the light shines upon Farnsworth, she sees he is all blue in the face.

"Hubie?!" she grips his shoulders and shakes him, but there is no response.

A gasp erupts from her throat as she puts her fingers to her mouth. "Oh my god, he's dead!"

You know what they say, the bigger they are, the harder they fall. But when they fall on you, the consequences could be fatal, as they were for Farnsworth. When April passed out on her skinny old lover like a wrestler pinning an opponent to the mat, her weight pressed down upon Farnsworth's chest, preventing his lungs from expanding and taking in oxygen. With his face buried in her massive bosom, Farnsworth was unable to breathe. As a result, death came as a result of a double whammy: crush-asphyxiation and suffocation.

This is why when couples make love, whoever is heavier should be on the bottom. Maybe if Farnsworth and April switched positions, he would still be alive.

Farnsworth learned the hard way, good things don't always come in big packages. Bigger is not always better.

Fat's all folks!

To Be Continued