Fan Fiction

Matters of Life and Death, part 15 - E-I-E-I-Ow!
By Dwayne Anderson

Warning - The situations portrayed in this story are based on real deaths and are extremely graphic.

Ever since the dawn of humanity, people have eaten meat, slaughtering animals for food. Some softhearted men and women in protest of this "barbarism" have become vegetarians.

There are those who make a living raising cattle and fattening them for slaughter. These people are called ranchers. These people provide a great service to the meat industry just as farmers grow wheat, fruit, vegetables, and collect milk for the food industry.

Leo Wong is a rancher and the owner of the ranch on Mars. He is the father of former Planet Express Intern Amy Wong. Like his wife, Leo more than anything wants Amy to settle down and have children, yet they are both disappointed by her choice in mate, an amphibian. They had once hoped that she would marry Zapp Brannigan, the captain of DOOP due to his ambition and good looks.

Just as Mrs. Fry was a terrible mother for Fry, Leo is a bad father to Amy because back when she was in her chunky years, he liked to poke fun at her weight and crack fat-jokes. He even denied her right to golf because she was a girl.

Let's see how Leo meets -- or rather "meats" -- his maker.

Old Leo Wong had a ranch on the planet Mars,

And on this ranch he raised Buggalo...

What's a buggalo you're wondering?

Buggalo are giant beetles that look like the now extinct cow from the previous stupid ages. No one knows where these animals originated from, but they were domesticated by the martians who once lived on Mars. Buggalo are raised for their milk and for their meat. A local restaraunt also specializes in Buggalo meat.

We join Leo as he is milking the Buggalo. Or rather, trying to.

"Damn it you stupid beast!" he shouts and smacks it on the hard shell. "Hold still so I can milk you!"

"Dad stop it!" Amy cries as she comes upon the scene. "Leave Betsy alone! You're hurting her!"

It wouldn't be a farmer story without the farmer's daughter now would it? Amy is here to visit her parents, bringing Kif with her. Betsy is her favorite of the Buggalo.

"Do I tell you how to do your job?" Leo says rudely to her. He shakes his head as he turns away from his only daughter. "Women, they know nothing about raising cattle."


Leo has always liked to poke fun at his daughter. It's obvious that he had always wanted a son.

"I could have had a boy but no! I had to have a girl who marries an amphibian! Then again, I'm not surprised. Who would want someone who was once so chunky?" He chuckles.

"Dad! Stop it!"

"You should have been an astronaut because you were always taking up space around home." He starts giggling.

"Quit it dad!"

"When you sat around the house you really sat around the house!" By now, Leo is laughing.

"Alright, that's it, I'm going to the house!" said Amy angrily as she turns on her heels and storms out of the buggalo pen.

"Good, then get the hell out of here and let me do my job!" Leo grumbles.

Leo finally gives up on trying to milk Betsy and storms towards the gate. He slams the gate shut behind him after stepping outside.

But Leo made a terrible mistake. He forgot the shut the gate properly and latch it. Betsy notices this and decides the time has come to take revenge upon the rancher who abused her and insulted her friend.

In the language of the buggalo, Betsy alerts the others and they dash towards the ajar gate, stampedeing toward freedom.

Leo hears a noise similar to the sound of hundreds of running horses behind him and turns around to see dozens of buggalo led by Betsy coming at him, kicking up dust as they charge. By now, it's too late to get out of the way. He barely has time to scream as they are upon him and he falls to the ground, lost in a cloud of dust.

With a Buggalo here,

And a Buggalo there,

Here a Buggalo, there a Buggalo,

All over him was the Buggalo.

Amy, Inez, and Kif come outside to see what the commotion is all about. When the cloud of dust fades away, the buggalo are gone. Leo is lying motionless upon the ground, his body is covered with bruises and blood is oozing out of his mouth onto the ground.

"Oh my god!" Amy screams. "Daddy!"

Leo was literally trampled by the buggalo herd. As they stampeded over his body, bones were broken, including his rib cage. One of the broken ribs punctured his heart, killing him within seconds.

Leo was a mean rancher who made a living raising cattle and poking fun at his daughter. But don't waste your pity on his lost soul.

After all, he-hawed it coming!

To Be Continued