Fan Fiction

Matters of Life and Death, part 19 - Abracadaver
By Dwayne Anderson

Meet Cubert, the youngest member of Planet Express. In spite of the laws against child labor, Cubert works alongside the professor in his lab. Cubert is heir to Planet Express. Some say he is Farnsworth's son, but in reality, he is actually a clone of Farnsworth.

We join Cubert and the rest of the Planet Express crew in the meeting room one evening. Everyone is seated on chairs as Bender prepares to entertain his fellow crew with magic tricks.

"Welcome one and all to Bender the Great!" Bender announces to start off his show.

Cubert is seated next to his friend Dwight, Hermes' son. Cubert and Dwight have been to several magic shows before, but like any scientist, Cubert knows that the magic in the show is all fake. No wonder it's called a trick! (rimshot) As in science, there is always an explaination for how something happens.

One by one, Bender performs several magic tricks, using one of his fellow crew-members for volunteers to help him with some of his tricks. One of his tricks involves sawing Fry in half, putting Leela in a vertical chamber and thrusting swords into it, then opening it to reveal her unharmed.

Cubert of course knows how each trick is done. He snorts like a pig before telling Bender off.

"There was already a rabbit in his hat to start with!"

"Those legs aren't Fry's! They're fake!"

"There's a hidden door that Leela walks out of from behind and she goes back in before he opens the front!"

The rest of the audience is getting annoyed with Cubert.

"Hey shut up!" said Fry. "I really like this magic show!"

"Are you an idiot!" snorts Cubert. "Can't you realize it's all fake?"

Bender takes Amy's watch and puts it under a cloth. Then he pounds it several times with a hammer with a cracking sound is heard. He reaches under the cloth, waves his wand, and removes the cloth, revealing Amy's watch undamaged.

Everyone claps and cheers, except Cubert who sits with his arms crossed.

Cubert snorts. "It wasn't even Amy's watch underneath the cloth! He switched it!"

By now, everyone has had it.

"What is your problem Cubert?" Leela says.

"Why are you here anyway?" asks Amy.

"Hooray!" Zoidberg cheers. "No one's insulting me!"

Bender doesn't like how Cubert is ruining his show. He decides to perform one last trick.

"For my final trick, I will need one last volunteer!"

"Me! Me! Pick me! Me! Me!" Zoidberg cries.

Deciding to teach Cubert a lesson, Bender announces, "Cubert, come on down!"

"Awwww!" Zoidberg groans.

Everyone else grins, wondering what kind of trick Bender will play on Cubert.

Bender's final trick is the infamous Bullet Catch. The trick involves the magician's assistant firing a gun and the magician catches the bullet in his teeth. But like the rest of his tricks, it's all an illusion.

Bender holds a colt revolver upward and taps his wand upon the barrel. He then gives the gun to Cubert and steps back several yards away. Unknown to everyone Bender is already holding the bullet in his hand that he slips between his metallic teeth. No one in the audience can see it. And the gun isn't loaded with anything but blanks. Cubert of course already knows how this trick works.

Cubert holds the gun towards Bender and pulls the trigger.

Bang! The gun goes off with the sound of a cannon. But something happens that no one expects. (Yeah, as if you knew that already)

It's all over within a second. Something ricochets off Bender's body. Cubert suddenly feels a sharp slicing pain across the side of his neck. Jets of blood being gush out of his neck. Dropping the gun, he falls to the floor, clutching his bleeding neck trying to stop the flow of blood, but to no avail.

The rest of the crew gasp and scream in horror as a pool of blood continues to form around Cubert's head. Even Bender is in shock at how his trick turned out. He certainly wasn't expecting this.

After an agonizingly long minute, Cubert's hand falls from his neck and he lies still, dead.

When Bender tapped his wand upon the barrel of the gun, a piece broke off and imbedded itself inside the gun. When Cubert pulled the trigger, the wand piece became a bullet, but Bender's metal body caused it to richocet and rebound. On its return trip, it sliced through Cubert's jugular vein, a blood vessel in the neck that pumps blood from the head to the heart. Should this vein be cut, the victim will bleed to death in a matter of minutes.

There's always an explanation for everything, but sometimes all in the name of fun, the truth should never be told. Cubert was a party pooper who ruined Bender's magic show for his co-workers. But Bender didn't like being upstaged. And so, for his final trick, Bender made an obscene clone fall.

To Be Continued