Fan Fiction

Matters of Life And Death part 2 - Turang-Ouch!
By Dwayne Anderson

Warning - The situations portrayed in this story are based on real deaths and are extremely graphic.

Turanga Leela is the captain of the Planet Express ship. Just looking at her, you'd think of her as a cyclops, a mythical monster in greek mythology with only one eye. Just don't call her "One Eye" as it brings back bad memories of her childhood in an orphanage. Kids can be so cruel, can't they?

The truth is, Leela is not an alien, but a mutant. Because she is the least mutated human in the history of mutantkind, her parents sent her up to the surface so she could have a normal life. Apparently, mutants are forced to live in the sewers because society considers them freaks. Just a word of caution: leave your prejudice out the door when you meet Leela. She's a tough woman, she'll kick your ass quicker than you can say...well...just about anything.

How does a girl like Leela keep in shape? The same way many young athletic people do: exercising and playing sports. Leela's name is famous in the sporting world. She's set a record as the worst Blernsball player of all time. Blernsball is the future's verion of America's favorite pastime: Baseball.

Um...on second thought, "famous" isn't really the right word.

Ever since, Leela's had a hard time finding a team where she can play for in other sports: soccer, basketball, curling, you name it. After all, if she's the worst Blernsball player of all time, people assume she must be a lousy player in anything else.

One day, Leela is watching a woman's basketball team practice at the local college. During practice, one of the girls trips over an untied shoelace and falls. She sits up, clutching her knee and moaning in agony. The other ladies gather around.

"What's wrong Sally?" asked one of them.

"My knee...! I think I broke it!" Sally moans.

"Well that's just great!" The team captain says. "Where are we going to find a temporary replacement?"

Leela hears this and gets an idea. "What about me?" she calls out to the captain.

At this point, the team is desperate so they sign her on to replace Sally.

"What the heck!" the captain says, "it's just for one game only."

On the night of the big game, Leela is dressed in Sally's uniform, ready to play her hardest. In the audience are all her friends, co-workers, and her parents to whom she sent day-passes so they could come up to the surface and watch their daughter play.

But to Leela, this isn't just a game. This is a chance to redeem her honor in the sporting world. As a result, Leela takes the game much more seriously. It's not about having fun. And it's not just about winning, it's about honor and glory.

Leela is shooting hoops and scoring more points than Michael Jordon in his boyhood. The audience is cheering her on, but her teammates are getting frusterated that Leela won't be a team player.

Finally, near the end of the fourth quarter, Leela performs a dunk that breaks the hoop and net off the stand. Once more the crowd goes wild. As Leela performs a victory dance, the stand's support, rusty from time and weakened by Leela's powerful dunk topples forward.

"Leela, look out!" Turanga Morris and Mundy yell to their daughter.

Leela stops her victory dance and turns around to see the stand falling toward her. But by now, it's too late to get out of the way. Even her angered teammates are horrified as the structure pins her to the ground.

The cheers of the crowd turn to screams of horror. About a dozen people hurry onto the court to free Leela. Among them are Morris, Mundy, and Fry. Together everyone lifts the fallen stand off Leela, but when they see her face, they are met with a gruesome spectacle. Blood is pooling down her face from her eye which has a gaping bleeding hole in it. The jagged metal where the hoop broke off is

stained with fresh blood.

"Holy s(beep)!" Fry screams. He quickly turns around and vomits. The sight is too much for his stomach (and his heart) to bear.

The broken metal hoop support left when the hoop broke off impaled itself through Leela's single eye. Being larger than the eyes of a normal human, her eye was an easier target. The spike punctured through her eye and imbeds itself in her brain, rupturing a majory artery in her cerebrum. She was dead within seconds from fatal brain damage and internal bleeding of her cerebrum.

Leela tried to redeem her name in the sporting world by hogging all the glory. But she learned the hard way there is no "I" in team. But there is also no "I" in Leela. Literally, figuratively, and really!

To Be Continued