Fan Fiction

Matters of Life And Death part 5 - Birthday Bash
By Dwayne Anderson

Warning - The situations portrayed in this story are based on real deaths and are extremely graphic.

Ladies, are you looking for the ideal man? Look no further than Zapp Brannigan. Handsome, charming, and ambitious, Zapp Brannigan, captain of DOOP is every single lady's dream man...unless of course you are a feminist, because Zapp is also crude, obnoxious, arrogant, egotisical, narcisstic, not to mention incredibly chauvenistic.

Even despite all the rights that women have become entitled to and that they are equals to males, Zapp Brannigan is one of those pigheaded guys who still hold on to their self-righteous beliefs that women are nothing more than sex objects useful only for pleasing the male sex.

Face it ladies, you know he's going to die in this story, and believe me, you're gonna be happy!

Zapp Brannigan has his own book of offensive pickup lines which he likes to use on ladies. He's more likely to get slapped in the face than get laughed at. But the captain's got his pride. He's got to, after all, luitenant Kif Kroker is far more successful in the romance department than his own captain.

Above all other women, Zapp favours one above all else: Turanga Leela. Ever since he tricked her into having pity sex with him years ago, he's become obsessed with the belief that they were made to be together. His repeated attempts to maintain a relationship and woo her all border on harrassment and stalking. Even if she had taken out a restraining order against him, it wouldn't faze him one bit. What Zapp wants, Zapp gets.

He'll certainly get something for sure!

It's Turanga Leela's birthday and everyone has gathered to wish our favorite mutant well. Friends, co-workers, and family. Everyone is having fun. What could possibly go wrong?

Ooops, too late. I said those five words.

Leela is about to open the last of her presents, a large tall one, when it suddenly, the wrapping paper tears itself apart as Zapp Brannigan steps out.

"Surprise!" he shouts.

Leela groans. "Zapp, you weren't invited!"

"I hope you like your present!" said Zapp. "I present myself to you. Ha! Get it? Present myself to you?" He laughs and slaps his knees. No one else is amused.

"What are you doing here?" Leela demands folding her arms over her chest.

"Come on Leela, you know I would never forget your birthday," said Zapp. "Hey did you leave some cake for me?" He pushes himself past her and cuts himself a piece of the cake which hasn't yet been cut yet.

"Hey!" Fry protests. "The birthday girl is supposed to get the first piece!"

"Oh go stuff yourself shrimp," said Zapp.

Zapp and Fry have been pining for Leela's affections for many years now. Still, Leela prefers Fry's stupidity over Zapp's sexism.

"Look Zapp, you aren't supposed to be here," said Leela.

"Oh come on Leela!" said Zapp putting down his plate. "Surely you haven't forgotten your feelings for me?"

The only thing Leela feels towards this pig is disgust and hate. She has regretted sleeping with him out of pity ever since.

"What feelings? There never were any!" said Leela pointing a finger in his face. "Get it through that big fat skull of yours!"

Zapp grins. "If I said you had a beautiful body, would you take your pants off and dance around a little while?"

Bad move Zapp. Now you are about to learn that women aren't all that weak. While the women in the room are all too eager to throw Zapp out, Leela beats them to it.

Leela suddenly clenches a fist and with a fierce battle cry, swings at Zapp, hitting him in the side of the head with enough force to knock him sideways. He falls off balance and hits his head on the edge of the coffee table and lies motionless upon the floor, his face a mask of surprise and pain.

Everyone cheers (especially the women present).

"Way to go girl!" Labarbara cheers.

Leela feels very proud of herself. But then she notices Kif kneeling by the captain's motionless body. Blood is beginning to pool around Zapp's head.

Kif checks his captain for a pulse but finds nothing.

"He's dead!" Kif announces. Everyone gasps. Even Leela is shocked at this news.

When Leela punched Zapp, she did so with enough force to cause his brain to rattle inside of his skull. The brain collided with the inside of the skull and caused brain damage and internal bleeding of the cerebrum. The impact with the edge of the coffee table split his skull and caused more brain damage and bleeding. Death was instantaneous.

Zapp Brannigan was a chauvinistic pig, a disgrace to mankind. He gave the male sex a bad name. But Leela did everyone a favor and taught him a lesson. And now he's dead.

There. Aren't you happy?

To Be Continued