Fan Fiction

Matters of Life and Death, part 9 - Tonight's Menu: Deep Fry
By Dwayne Anderson

Warning - The situations portrayed in this story are based on real deaths and are extremely graphic.

Thought you'd seen the last of Phillip J. Fry? Then explain how he was there when Leela got offed in "Turang-ouch!". As I said earlier, cartoons aren't real life.

We join Fry as he is once again doing something fans of Futurama know him for: trying to get Leela to go out with him. Yes I know Leela is alive despite getting killed off in "Turang-ouch!", but like I said, the fact that they are resurrected for another episode is a miracle.

After all, cartoons aren't real life.

"Aw, come on Leela," Fry pleads. "What's the number one reason you won't go out with me? All I'm asking is if you want to go out for dinner with me."

"Fry, I just don't feel like eating out tonight," said Leela.

Once again, she rebuffs his advances. But hey, that's never stopped him from trying.

"Okay Leela," said Fry. "Then how about this..."

Fry is about to say those three words women love to hear from their partner.

"I'll make dinner!"

Leela blinks. And then she starts laughing. When she's done, she speaks. "Fry, you don't know how to cook!"

"Sure I do," said Fry. "I learned from Bender and watching Cooking With Elzar. Come on Leela, what do you say? A home-cooked meal from yours truly?"

Leela sighs. "Fine. Alright. But just once."

"Yes!" Fry punches his arms in the air in delight. "You will not regret this Leela!"

But will you Fry? I'm sure all you fans of Matters of Life and Death have figured out how this will end. And it won't end well.

Otherwise, there'd be no death and no story to tell.

When Fry gets off work, he goes home to the Robot Apartments, a tall building inhabited by robots. Fry is the only human living there. Every room is big enough for a few people to stand up straight in, but nothing more. Fry however lives in the closet of Bender's room. The closet is as large as an apartment in modern day New York.

Fry opens the freezer and takes out hamburger patties and buns and a package of onion rings. He puts the buns in the microwave to defrost and pours some oil on the bottom of a frying pan and places it on the stove to preheat.

Next, Fry exits the kitchen and picks up a book he checked out from the local library. The book contains a collection of pickup lines on how to win a girl's heart in everyday occasions. Fry turns the pages to the section on pick-up lines for use when cooking dinner for a woman.

He clears his throat and begins to recite. "I've set a fine table for you my fair senorita!" He purrs like a cat, but then he shakes his head. "No, not passionate enough. Let me try again."

Fry continues to recite pick-up lines and practice for his big dinner date with Leela. Minutes pass...

Fry suddenly begins to feel a little lightheaded. He's on the verge of passing out. He can barely keep his eyes open.

"Oh man, what I'd do for a cup of coffee right now!" he slurs. Seconds later, he falls to the floor, his face buried in the book.

Fry isn't exhausted or sleepy. His condition is not at all caused by drowsiness or fatigue. Fry hasn't fallen asleep. The truth is, Fry is dead.

Fry made the biggest mistake any amateur chef can make: he left the stove unattended. The overheated oil ignited and burst into flame. The fire began to spread from the frying pan to the kitchen countertop. The heat melted the microwave, releasing toxic fumes, together with the smoke from the burning oil, displaced the oxygen in the air with a deadly combination of carbon dioxide and carbon monoxide.

Fry was so busy rehearsing to seduce Leela, he didn't even notice the smoke coming from the kitchen.

The robot apartment building is not equipped with smoke detectors. Perhaps Fry should have invested in one. After all, he is not a robot. And there is a crucial difference between robots and humans: humans need to breathe oxygen. A smoke detector can also detect harmful gases in the air, which is a good thing because most harmful gases, such as carbon dioxide and carbon monoxide, are odorless and are impossible to detect with the nose. Even a strong sense of smell can't sniff them out.

Fortunately, Fry's death from lack of oxygen spares him from an even worse fate. Within two minutes, the spreading fire engulfs his corpse like a ravenous vulture.

At that moment, Bender returns to the apartment. He opens the door to the closet just in time to see the flames consume the lifeless body of his buddy.

"What the hell?!" he exclaims. He runs down the hall shouting "Fire! Fire!" and presses the fire alarm button, determined to look like the hero and save everyone else even though he is mostly only concerned with himself. The alarm sounds throughout the building and all the robots evacuate as the fire spreads.

The fire department arrives to put out the flames. A crowd has gathered outside to watch, Leela being one of them.

When the fire is put out, the firefighters emerge. Two of them are carrying a covered stretcher. One of them stumbles and the stretcher falls to the pavement. The cloth cover falls away. The crowd gasps and screams in horror as Fry's blackened skeleton tumbles out and rolls for several yards.

"Oh my god!" Leela cries out. "Fry!"

Fry tried to impress Leela with some good old homecooking. Instead, he cooked himself and his home. The bad news is Leela isn't a cannibal. The good news is that Fry saved his co-workers the cost of his own cremation.

Either way Fry, you've gone and cooked your own goose!

To Be Continued