Fan Fiction

First Meetings All Around
By Fruitosaurus

Days at this office go by painfully slow. Like, so painfully slow you want to kill yourself. I don't know whether it's the lack of anybody other than the slutclops to chat with, or the boredom-chip-overloading stupid paperwork. Both are great contenders.

The reason I felt a need to comment on such an obvious fact is that today was different. In the space of a couple minutes it went from "oh god make the pain stop where's a suicide booth" to "well hey, this is kinda nice".

That's all thanks to a girl meatbag who barged her way into our office while Stretchpants and I were playing checkers out of boredom. She never learns that I always win.

Getting back to the girl, when she came in yelling my name like a psycho fangirl, I gotta admit I was a little scared.

"Officer Rodriguez!" she crooned.

Jeez louise, what is with that manly voice? Poor girl must've been the butt of every joke in high school.

Chesty McNag Nag, being her own stupid killjoy self, stopped the woman before she could spout out how much of a superior robot I was. I already know it, but it would've been nice to hear.

"Excuse ME, but I'm afraid you can't just barge in like this!"

I swear, I've almost started praying for that loony Blue to "accidentally" kill her while he's escaping again.

Well, my new favorite meatbag would take none of that crap.

Giving her a glare that by all rights should've made Officer Too-much-makeup drop dead right then and there, the little lady shoved her competition to the side and came up to me, looking all for the world like a puppy wanting to play.

Trying to keep my cool and not squeal like a little girl was pretty hard, but I'm Bender, so I pulled it off.

"So, what makes a cute little girl like you want to come visit the one, the only, magnificent Bender?"

She started giggling like a schoolgirl, and I swear by my mother's factory I saw her blushing before she turned away. I always know how to work these broads.

"W-wait, d-did you just call me...?"

"Cute, which is pretty impressive for a meatbag like you. Not everyone can impress this great and wonderful robot. What's your name, cutie?"

She paused, presumably trying to contain more giggles, before speaking again.

"You know me, don't you? From the hospital..."

Huh? What hospital?

Wait a minute... I'd thought I recognized her. It was coming back now. I'd even saved this girlie's life, and I didn't remember who she was. Stupid malfunctioning memory chip.

Ya see, a couple months ago, Officer Big Boots and I were investigating the site of a crime done by the biggest nutjob in the whole state of New New York, Blue.

This time, the crazy son of a bitch had set off a bomb in a (mostly empty, thank god) building. Arriving on the scene like the total badass that I was, I soon heard the lone cries of somebody seeking help. Quick as a fat kid seeking cake, I ran to the source and found a reasonably pretty woman caked in blood. Thankfully, my equally quick thinking allowed her to live to get to the hospital, where she went on to stay for a couple months. She must've just gotten out today.

"Oh yeah, I remember you. Bebe, wasn't it?"

"B. B., they're initials." she said, smiling.

"Uh huh, that." I said.

"U-um... I-I wanted to thank you... for saving my life..."

"Any time for you, little lady."

She blushed, and turned away, so I figured she wanted to ask me out. I saved her the trouble.

"Hey, you and I, we should get together some time. Like, tomorrow at 8, Elzar's?"

Officer Stretchpants, who we'd been ignoring, spoke up."Wow, Bender. You CAN'T be serious. B. B., if you have ANY common sense at all, you'll say n-"

"Sure, I'd love to!"

Wow, was she ever brimming with excitement now. I tend to have that effect in the ladies.

Everyone ignored the following obscene outbursts from the whore.

She slipped me her number, and that was that. It was a great day.