Futurama

Fan Fiction

Futurehmeh
By DarkMadrigal

(Opening credits, caption: Subtitles on the screen are closer than they appear.)

Scene: Fry, Leela, and Amy are all sitting at the Conference Table sleeping. Hermes walks in.

Hermes: Hey, I'm not paying you people to sleep; I'm paying you to work!

Fry: Well, you could be paying us to sleep. . . and yourself.

Hermes: Holy free Fritos, you're right!

Time passes. Now Hermes is at the table sleeping as well. Bender enters.

Bender: (mocking Prof. Farnsworth) Good news everyone! (after getting no response) I said, "Good news," Meatbags!

Still no response. Bender leaves the room and comes back soon wheeling in the machine that mimics Farnsworth's voice.

Bender: (speaking through the machine) Good news everyone. . .

Everyone awakens suddenly.

Fry: (confused, groggily) Professor, we were just about to. . . sleep-deliver a package to, uh, planet Sleepless. . . close to Seattle.

Bender: Sleep-delivering was outlawed last year. . . too many fatalities.

Leela: Alright Bender, just what are you doing imitating the Professor? You interrupted a perfectly good dream of me Ballroom dancing with –

Fry: (eager) Yes?

Leela: - not Fry.

Fry: Damn. . . I hate that not-Fry-guy. . . thinks he's so good because he's not me. . . I'll show him!

Hermes: Bender, you're three hours late. I'm taking that off your pay. Actually, I'm the only one that's going to be paid for the last three hours.

Amy: Wait a second, that's not fair!

Bender: This is why I hate humans. . . you never shut up. Now, listen to Bender. Bender has come here to tell you that the Professor won't be in today.

Leela: Why not?

Bender: The old windbag is suffering from impotence.

Hermes: Impotence! Why, who ever heard such a crazy thing of not coming into work because your limbo pole is doing da limbo? He's not getting paid either.

Bender: He said impotence is listed as an illness in the Employees Manual. He said it just like this. (speaks through the machine) Impotence –

Leela kicks the machine and it wheels out of the room. Hermes examines something on his hand.

Amy: (to Bender) Wait, how do you know this?

Bender: Well, when I was casing his place this morning he mentioned it to me over breakfast.

Amy: Cool! You know where the Professor sleeps?

Bender: Well duh! It's just over –

Fry: (to Hermes: excited) Are you looking at some sort of futuristic invisible piece of paper?

Everyone laughs at Fry.

Amy: Oh Fry, there's no such thing as invisible documents. You 21st century folk have such silly ideas about the future.

Hermes: The Employees Manual is microscopically tattooed on this palm, my prenup is on this palm. I'm using the superscoping feature on my glasses to read it. AH! That withering crackpot is right. Impotence is in here! I knew I shouldn't of let him help me write this!

Fry: (proudly accompanied with a stance, looking at Leela) Well. . . I'll never miss work because of impotence.

Amy: (awkwardly, in regards to Fry's statement) Um, Fry?

Fry: (still proud and in stance) Yes Amy?

Amy: (quietly) Nothing.

Hermes: Great, now how are we supposed to know what the next lethal delivery to be made is?

Fry: Looks like it's going to be another hard day at work watching TV and drinking beer like the other 6 days in the week when this happens. Not like that day. . . you know, the one where stuff happens. . . stuff that you think is exciting Leela. . . usually there's a package involved. . . I hate those days. I hate Mondays!

Zoidberg enters holding a trashcan lid with mysterious orange bits with fur on it.

Zoidberg: (to himself) Mmmm, lasagna. (scarfs it down)

Leela: Zoidberg that's not lasagna.

Zoidberg: You say patato, I say delicious!

Fry: Time to go watch Single Female Lawyer; Retribution and see what crazy adventure she's gotten into on this one day of this week.

Bender: I'll go get the beer and smokes.

Bender turns away to leave but Zoidberg notices something on his ass.

Zoidberg: Robit you have something on your armpit.

Bender: This better be good enough to delay beer or I see a big stick of butter in your future.

Zoidberg cries, "Hurray!" as Bender checks both armpits. After finding nothing, he puts on his annoyed face and advances on Zoidberg.

Zoidberg: Am I to be fed now?

Leela: Bender, I think he means your third armpit. (everyone gives Leela a strange look) Your ASS!

Bender cranes his head back as Hermes rips a note off his ass.

Hermes: It's from the professor. (reads for a second) Seems like y'all will be doing something that will earn you your bread today.

Leela: Finally, some action. So what are the details of the delivery?

Hermes: Well, lets see here. . . you're to pick up a special package and guest deliver them to planet Caa-Naa-Daa.

Leela: Who's the guest?

Hermes: Wayne Gretzky's brain fluid.

Fry: Wait a second. Back the truck up! Caa-Naa-Daa? Wayne Gretzky?

Amy: I think we'd better try and explain this to Fry using examples from his time.

Leela: You're right. Fry, Caa-Naa-Daa is a planet that is a colony of Canada. It was established after the Canadian Empire conquered all the Nordic regions of Earth. Wayne Gretzky was a hockey player from somewhere near your time. He played a now extinct sport that you called Hockey.

Fry: (slowly and stupidly) Canada? Hock. . .key?

Scene: This setting is a large workshop in Van Torontréal. This ultra city floats above Caa-Naa-Daa's artic plains. This floating piece of rock and landfill is the amalgamation of the old major Canadian cities: Toronto (the dark urban underbelly of a metropolis), Vancouver (the relaxed coastal city that is often forgotten about but is just too laid back to care) and Montreal (the proud party central where snootiness meets strippers and all staircases spiral). Vancouver is situated in the middle of the island with a beach and a body of water, Great Memory Lake, located to the east. Montreal lies to the west and one can tell when they're in the great city when they see that all signs are written in English and Alienese. The Montrealians are not sure why this language is on their signs and why it's larger than the English letters but they do know it feels more like home that way. At the bottom of the Island hangs Toronto, defying gravity. The Torontonians were voted to this area because of their extreme "popularity" among the rest of the country. However, the residents took it in stride, adapting to the new environment and believing they were special because they were able to live upside-down comfortably. They even built subways and tubeways through the island connect it to the two other cities. Toronto's day is broken into 4 intervals. There is a giant mirror underneath the floating island and it reflects the sun onto Toronto during the morning and evening. The afternoon is dark for the underbelly because the island blocks the Sun. The workshop is located in Toronto. It is the afternoon.

The large workshop is full of half completed hovercars and spare parts, and man operated industrial robots. There is a calendar with a busty model holding a giant iron key between her breasts. The month is August and the year is 3004. The days up to the fourteenth have all been checkmarked with a red pen and day 14 protrudes a bit from the calendar, emitting a series of red rays. There is a tank in one corner full of eels and other fish creatures that cannot be identified. A giant air vacuum/demystifier hangs over the workshop ready to suck up or cancel out any bad vapours that may be caused. A beaten up old couch lies in the corner opposite the tanl. Two black and neon cushions float effortlessly in the air near the couch. A totally square and red beanbag chair sits in the couch area. The trio of grease-space-monkeys occupy the couch area.

Louis (pronounced the English way) Rile switches positions on the couch trying to get comfortable. He wears a Davy Crockett hat and blue shorts and moccasins. There isn't a hair on him except two muttonchops that directly match up with the hat. Louis is the one in the group from Vancouver. He's the stoner repairman who's never touched any drug in his life. The fumes of life are good enough for him. He can't surf (water or zero-G) like many of the East-coasters but he's very adept at driving Gig Rigs and hovertrucks.

J.O.R.M. (Jakeilla O'Reilly Ruriko Mokorvichsha) Smith sits on the anti-ground cushion twiddling her thumbs. Her complexion is a mix of black, white, European and Asian. She is the chemist of the trio, and occasionally the biologist. JORM tries to have a unique personality, which usually ends up coming out as confused and sceptical of others. Being an overexposed Torontonian, JORM is intellectual, highly aware of her surroundings and is outgoing yet she is often weighed down by certain obsessive qualities.

Veo is the leader of the trio. She has thin light green stripes along her body that she claims is from colouriting (like tattoos except with biological changes to the skin rather than ink). The money she made from playing Hawk-Key (Caa-Naa-Daa's national sport) is how she affords to be a single parent and go out and have fun. She rounds off the group by representing Montreal. She paces back and forth, hitting the red beanbag chair from time to time to watch it return to its normal cube shape.

Louis, JORM and Veo are the only members of the government funded Edifaction. Their function is to create state of the art vehicles that use up as little resources as possible (and in some cases, create their own resources) and that are also anti-ecocidal. Their small operation has gained much notoriety and is being watched closely by many people, some special and some not.

Louis: So it's being delivered here eh? That is tres cool.

JORM: That's the third time today that I've heard that. Of the 20 languages and I've never come across tres.

Louis: I heard it in the west.

Veo: He's right. It's a Montrealian expression.

JORM: Must derive from Alienese then.

Veo: I don't feel like the three of us are ready to receive such an honour. Our latest project is still in the theoretical stage. . . or in other words, still in pieces.

Veo sifts through the hover debris around her.

Louis: You shouldn't be breaking a sweat about this. Everyone this side of the quadrant knows about the work we've done and now we're just getting recognition for it.

Veo: Recognition from our planet. I don't care about the quadrant or the rest of the universe or that crazy cowboy dimension. After we get the Tri-Key the government will be watching us. . . especially Trudeau and you do not let that man down. . . not that I let down men. . . ever.

JORM: So what is your command oh leader of us indolent creatures?

Veo: Louis, get out your preliminary sketches of the Eeflyer and see what you can scrape together before the ceremony tonight. JORM, your smart-ass can start figuring out a more stable way of harnessing the energy from those electric eels.

JORM: Their actual name is electrophorus electricus.

Louis: Are you sure? I mean they're electric eels not electrical electrics.

JORM: Of course I'm sure. . . I pride myself on knowing things of this nature.

Louis: Latin was never your best language.

Veo opens a hatch in the workstation. Light creeps in from the city. Cubic and cylindrical buildings reach upwards and dozens of hovercars pass by. Pedestrian tubes tangle within each other creating spirals of blurred faces and wavy clothing.

Louis: (to Veo) So what task have you assigned to yourself?

Veo: I'm heading to The Future and the Firkin to grab a quick drink and a quick man and I'll try and think up some plans for tonight.

Louis: Cool.

Veo: (as she leaves the workshop) It's going to be an interesting day. Oh, and Louis, make sure JORM doesn't electrocute herself again.

JORM: Hey!

Louis: Will do.

Scene: Leela, Fry and Bender sit inside a very long limo that has a red and white interior. The three Planet Express employees are on one end of the long compartment and the head of Avril Lavigne with Canadian officials dressed in Don Cherry-esque suits sit on the other end. One of the suits holds a locked box with a half blue half red maple leaf on it. A metal, futuristic looking hockey stick lies next to one of the suits as well. The plaque of Lavigne's head jar reads, "Avril Lavigne, Pop-rock musician and Canada's 30th Prime Minister." The two parties are communicating in the limo through video conferencing with the images being projected on two invisible screens on either end. There are gadgets sticking out of the walls, or frame of the limo, such as mini-status screens, number pads, big red buttons, beer taps, etc.

Fry: Hey Ms. April O'neil, do you have any snacks on this thing?

Leela: Fry, we're in the presence of diplomats. Try and show some manners.

Avril: Don't worry about it Ms. Leela, we're all friendly here. I understand that Mr. Fry is from my time. It can be pretty awesome being reminded of your roots by someone else's face.

Fry: I'm sorry, you're a nice head but I can't remember who you are and I feel real bad because I love seeing famous heads from my time. The Beastie Boys rocked! And then there was Beck.

Avril: You're so cute Fry. I would totally write a song about you if you were a skater.

Fry: I used to ride a bike. Made deliveries on it too.

Leela clears her throat disapprovingly and gives a none too warm glance at Fry.

Leela: Anyway, I believe it's best if we stay on topic. I know I speak on behalf of everyone at Planet Express when I say that we couldn't be more happy that you chose us to deliver a package of such importance as the Tri-Key and we are more than willing to escort Mr. Gretzky to Caa-Naa-Daa.

Bender: (stops in between emptying the beer taps into his mouth) I know I'm happy.

Suit 1: This is fantastic. . . wouldn't you agree Mr. Gretzky?

Leela: Where is he anyway?

Avril: He's sitting right beside me.

Leela: (whispering) You mean that misshapen police baton there?

Suddenly a bunch of lights flash from the hockey stick. Leela and Fry look nervously on and Bender stops drinking to take a look. The lights stop and there is silence. All the faces on the Canadian side of the limo are deadpan as they look on at Wayne Gretzky's eccentric vessel. Avril breaks the tension by beginning to laugh.

Avril: He says you Americans still have a great sense of humour.

Bender: (who now is lying back in the limo, smoking a cigar and passing fire burps) So how are we supposed to understand this freak of science and nature? Are we supposed to hit people with it to crack the code. . . and some fragile human skulls?

As Avril is talking, her suits are fiddling with the virtual screen in front of them.

Avril: I'm uploading something that will help you. . . now. Just touch the program on your screen to upload it.

Bender: (disappointed) Aww, A translation program? I guess it wouldn't hurt to make the old Bender even better.

Bender touches a file that says transshock.exe on the virtual screen in front of him. A little loading bar pops up and starts downloading the information. Sparks begin to fly everywhere as Bender is continuously electrocuted as the program is being transferred. Leela and Fry shuffle away from him as the robot's pupils jump up and down, side-to-side, changing size and shape. The load bar nears a 100%. However, when it's at about 95% it stops.

Bender: (while being electrocuted) Oh no! Mommmmmmmmmmmmy!

Leela: (nervously) Shhhh Bender. . . you don't actually want Mom to hear you do you?

On Avril's side, she gives a nod to one of the suits and he presses a part of their virtual screen. The load bar on the opposite screen fills and the transfer completes. A gigantic spark jumps from Bender and pushes him against the cushions of his seat, which happen to be super soft and bouncy. The springy cushions send him flying into the middle of the floor on the long compartment of the vehicle.

Bender: (shocked, literally) Ouch. . . harsh code.

Avril: I'm so sorry about that, but you know, shit happens. So Ms. Leela and Mr. Fry, would you like to see the package you'll be delivering.

Fry: You can just call me Fry if you –

Leela: We would love to see the package.

Suit 1: The rockets are securely in place.

Avril: Here it comes. Catch it if you can.

One of the suits picks up the locked box and lets it go in mid-air. The rockets propel it towards the other end of the limo. Bender sits up, still simmering from the shock and looks around.

Bender: What about me, don't I get to see it?

The rocket box smashes into the back of Bender's head knocking him down again. Fry yelps as he jumps out of the way of the rocket. It burrows into the cushion and the rockets immediately die down. The box springs out and lands safely on the seat. Leela picks it up and inspects the lock.

Leela: How are we supposed to open it?

Avril: Oops, sorry. My bad. I'll send over a keytool.

A key shaped program pops up on Leela's screen. She grabs it and a key materializes out of the screen and into her hand. She unlocks the box and looks in. Fry gets up from his cowardly dive and looks over her shoulder. An item that closely resembles an old iron key sits in the box. However it is very glamorous; the rung part of it is polished gold as are the bases of the three keys that protrude out of the rung. The end of the keys are all bright red in colour and are spiky, much like the three ends of the maple leaf. The three keys are spaced to imitate the shape of the maple leaf.

Fry: Ooo, shiny.

Bender: (recovering) Well, what is it?

Leela: (awed) It's another key but more impressive.

The Gretzky stick lights up and flashes for a few seconds.

Avril: (to the stick) Alright, I'll tell them. Mr. Gretzky says to be extra careful with the Tri-Key. It's been with him for the last five centuries because no one could surpass him as the greatest Canadian, not even me with my hit songs.

The Gretzky stick aggressively goes off.

Avril: (to the stick) Alright. I won't bring it up again. (pause) Anyways, there just wasn't that many great Canadians. However, there are two chicks and a guy over in Van Torontréal who have been doing awesome stuff with hovercars like making them more efficient and powerful and stuff like that. They are going to be presented the Tri-Key at a gala tonight and all of Canada and Caa-Naa-Daa will be watching. Sort of like when I won my Juno (a panel opens up beside Avril's head and an award shaped like an Oscar pops out, except it is plastic and see-through and has a weird drape spiralling the statue person.) except people actually know what the Tri-Key is.

Fry: Cool! So what is the Tri-Key? Some sort of key to a city of some sort? If it is, why isn't it a key?

Avril: (to Leela) I can't believe how adorable he is.

Leela: (abruptly) Yes, adorable. . . so the Tri-Key is ceremonial Canadian symbol, like DOOP's ribbon cutting scissors?

Avril: That's pretty much it. Except it's Caa-Naa-Daaian. It can be used to honour Canadians like Mr. Gretzky here but it actually belongs to Van Torontréal. It's difficult.

Leela: Don't you mean complicated?

Avril: No. I hate that word. But, I think if I sung our national anthem things become a bit clearer. (to suits) What do you guys think?

Suit 1 & 2: Sounds like a great idea.

Leela: Your national anthem. . . but why?

Leela's question is drowned out by a bunch of speakers that come out of the limo walls. A microphone drops down in front of Avril's jar as she begins to sing. The song starts out slow and orchestral.

Avril: Oh Caa-Naa-Daa, our home and arctic land, true remembered sense, in all our minds commit. . .

Suddenly, the speakers begin to boom with guitar riffs, low bass lines and thundering drums.

Avril: For those that stand, for those that sit, You will light up the night sky!!!

Suddenly, outside the limo, above the crowded city of New New York, through the grey smog and past the not-as-grey moonbase with the many men, women and children being duped by the games at the theme park, through dark space, through not so dark space as a Gig-Rig with its high beams on whips by, through the rings of Saturn and between the moons of Urectum, above the mostly frozen landmass of Caa-Naa-Daa, through the floating island of Van Torontréal, between the tops and bases of the many spires in Toronto, in the workshop of Edifaction, JORM looks up from two electric eels mating with each other and Louis notices this.

Louis: Uh-oh. . . the calm tension of our work has been interrupted. You look suddenly spaced.

JORM: I just had a terrible feeling that someone was just singing the anthem.

Louis: (suddenly serious) Scary. . . tres scary.

Soaring back to Earth and the limo, Avril is still singing the anthem and the two suits are now standing on guard. Leela, Fry and Bender look on puzzled.

Avril: this frozen globe, our humble abode, we bundle up for youuuuuuuuuuuuu!


Hawk-key entertain the masses, technology heat our asses,
And let the Tri-Key shimmer across the land, our one command
Oh Caa-Naa-Daa we will unlock peace
Oh Caa-Naa-Daa we will preserve our geese
Oh Caa-Naa-Daa we stand on guard. . . for. . . youuuuuuuuuu!

Bender: That's the worse national anthem that I've ever processed!

The Gretzky stick flashes in a manner that seems almost humorous.

Bender: (to the Gretzky stick) What do you mean do I want to go for a swim?

Suddenly the large gap in between the two seats in the limo fills up water. A lifesaver falls into the water from an unknown location. Bender gurgles and splashes about.

Avril: The festivities will begin at 7:30 tonight. I know you guys won't be late, that's why we hired you. Feel free to hang around for the ceremony if you want. There will be free food: Fry, I'm looking at you.

Fry: Wow! Thanks. You Canadians think of everything.

Leela: We won't let you down. (to Fry) It's time to go.

Fry: But the car is moving.

Leela: Out!

Leela opens the door on her side and pushes Fry out. All the water drains out of the car via the door. Outside the limo, Fry and Bender fall towards the ground in inside a deluge of chlorinated water (with a lifesaver). Inside the limo, Leela walks towards Avril with the box with the Tri-Key securely in her arms.

Leela: I'll just take Mr. Gretzky. (she delicately picks up the hockey stick) That was, uh, a loud anthem.

Avril: It's one of my better works.

Leela: Yeah, sure. I'll just let myself out.

Leela runs down the gap and jumps out the open door. As she is falling, she turns on a jetpack that she is conveniently wearing. Inside, one of the suits presses a button and the limo door closes.

Avril: This is going to rock!

The limo flies away and in the reflection of the side mirror (driver's side) the large chinned driver grins.

Scene: At the Future and the Firkin in Van Torontréal. There are various aliens and robots drinking in the pub. A blob alien bartender uses his six tentacles to pour three drinks at a time. The décor of the bar is that of bad assumptions of what the future was supposedéto look like back in the 1950's. For example, the waitresses wear those silver, skimpy dresses that were thought to be what the women on the moonbase were going to wear and there are various crude designs of rocketships hanging from the ceiling (included among these is the spaceship that was featured in the original Lost in Space). Grainy pictures of planets and stars taken by the Hubble Telescope hang on the wall to add to the retro-futuristic design. Veo sits at a corner of the bar knocking back a löBrau beer. VORM walks in searching for Veo.

JORM: Hey Blobtender, where's Veo?

Blobtender: Whaa?

JORM: Veo! Played professional Key-Hawk. Drinks here all the time.

Blobtender: Listen lady, I see a lot of people come through this place; I ingest a lot of people that come through this place. Gimmie more to go on or I'll just go right back to serving –

JORM: (annoyed) The one that always leaves with a different guy.

Blobtender: (points with a tentacle) Over there, end of the bar.

JORM: Thank you. Now get me a Chiquita Daiquiri.

Blobtender: One CQDQ coming up.

VORM walks over to Veo whose head is looking down at the bar counter. She doesn't even notice VORM sit down beside her. The Blobtender mixes something in a martini shaker shaped like a rocket and pours a shot with his other tentacles. The shot glass suddenly gets absorbed into his gelatinous green body. Following the shot glass as it flows into the Blob's main body it joins many other glasses, bottles of beer and a bunch of hovercar keys.

Blobtender: Dammit.

JORM: Hey Veo, you still here?

Veo: Probably.

JORM: So in a sense.

Veo: What do you want?

JORM: I think you're aware of why I'm here. Usually you're back within an hour and here I am, here, two hours later. Now tell me what's wrong. Is it the men?

Veo: For the last time, it's not the men or men or males or whatever term you're going to use next. I don't know why you care about that. You're in a stable relationship.

JORM: Is that jealousy I hear?

Veo: (standing up, very seriously staring JORM in the eyes) There are many, many things I'm good at JORM, and I never have problems with them.

After a long pause, JORM looks away from Veo's intense gaze. The Blobtender comes by with a CQDQ in hand. The glass that it's served in is shaped like four martini glasses that have been fused together, with the four stems sticking out from the top, the bottom, and both sides. There is a hole shaped like a pair of lips and this is where a person is supposed to drink from.

Blobtender: Here you go.

JORM takes a drink of her CQDQ before speaking again.

JORM: Then what is wrong?

Veo: The legacy of the Tri-Key is being passed over to us, but mainly me. . . don't even argue with me on that one, you know it's true.

JORM: . . . I know.

Veo: Gretzky held that thing for half a millennium.

JORM: 511 years to be exact.

Veo: That's too damn long. He spent most of his life as a head in a jar and then caught that disease and now is preserved in a blinking stick from an extinct sport that no one can remember. What kind of life is that? Where can you go from there, with just your thoughts?

JORM: The Gretzky stick has done some amazing things for charities and for our planet. Remember the "Orphans with hepatitis Z against the invasion by Omicronian Overlords" fundraiser?

Veo: Do you know why I originally started working in the Resource Management field?

JORM: Because of the ecocide happening all over our universe?

Veo: It seemed like the next logical step for me. I had an impulse and took it. Now I have a bunch of centuries with a golden key to look forward to.

JORM: You know, I've never met anyone as egocentric as you. If you weren't so charismatic everyone would hate you. Do you realize that an aberration in your genes gave you amazing abilities? Now you're going to receive the greatest honour bestowed on Caa-Naa-Daaian and all you can do is complain. I'm only saying this because you're my friend. Get over yourself and enjoy tonight. We're getting the friggin' Tri-Key!!

Veo: (after a long pause) How was Louis' progress with the Eeflyer before you came here?

JORM: He's constructed something pretty crude but you'll be pleased.

Veo: (rallied) Good. I'm going to finish my beer and you finish your girlie drink and then we'll get to work on those eels.

JORM: Actually, they're not eels. . . they're a type of –

Veo: It doesn't matter.

JORM: Sorry. (randomly) Hey Blobtender, I can see through youuuuuuuuu.

Scene: Aboard the deck of the Planet Express ship. Leela sits at the command chair and Bender sits at a console, with his legs leisurely up on a control panel. Leela holds the box by her side while the Gretzky stick lies in an empty chair.

Bender: So what's this planet like anyway? Full of hookers?

Leela: Bender, have we ever been to a planet that was full of hookers?

Bender: What about Syphilis 9?

Leela: . . . Never speak of that mission again. . . and if you have any questions, why don't you ask Mr. Gretzky; you're the only one that can understand him.

Bender: Because it's not a mister, it's a stick! Besides, it's an insult to all robots.

Leela: Well, the ship's database says that the planet of Caa-Naa-Daa was formerly known as the planetoid Sedna, the first object that forms the Oort cloud around our galaxy.

Bender: If I wanted an answer found in an encyclopaedia, I would've dragged my shiny ass to the ship's library and checked the virtual one. Just tell me if there's booze and hookers.

Leela: Remember that time we were on Pluto and you thought you were a penguin?

Bender: No.

Leela: Good because Caa-Naa-Daa is smaller and colder and I'll shoot you there like I shot you on Pluto if you keep on being a jerk.

Bender: What, you can't shoot me again! What if I end up becoming a chicken or whatever crappy animal they have on Caa-Naa-Daa?

Leela: I thought you didn't remember.

Bender: I. . . well. . . (sighs)

The deck is quiet as Leela focuses on flying the ship. Bender starts to get antsy.

Bender: That's just great stick. I have to freeze my ass off in another sub arctic human hole! When will humans learn to live in places that won't kill them and why aren't they all dead yet from living in these places?

Stick: (flashes blue and green light)

Bender: Really? Well that's good to know. Are there bars there?

Stick: (one simple blue flash)

Bender: This Torontréal place sounds alright. That's where we're going right Leela. . . right?

Leela ignores him. Bender looks around, still restless and wanting attention.

Bender: So stick. . . you like to drink?

Stick: (one simple green flash and then a series of red ones)

Bender: I don't care if you have a name, you're a stick. . . and what do you mean you can't drink? It can't throw you off your game because you're a STICK!

Stick: (flashes a barrage of red and yellows)

Bender: What? What did you say about my motherboard? Don't make me come over there!

Stick: (a long flash of green, yellow and blue)

Bender: Well, you won't have to put up with me any longer because I ain't talking because I can talk and you can't.

Another silence fills the deck. Bender starts muttering to himself as he watches the stars pass him outside. A sad look sweeps across his bulb eyes. He eagerly looks over as the door to the bridge whooshes open. Fry and Zoidberg walk onto the deck. Bender immediately jumps up to greet Fry.

Bender: (excited) Fry old buddy, have your weak, fragile bones healed from the fall yet?

Bender energetically pats Fry on the shoulder and the delivery boy lets out a loud yelp as his the patted arm cracks and creaks and falls limp.

Zoidberg: Looks like I'm going to have to go get my tools to fix your tail again. Do you think I will be needing the crystal-tipped drill again?

Fry: (scared) No. . . no!

Zoidberg: Alright, alright. Always yelling at me on this ship.

Zoidberg exits to go to the medical room.

Bender: (still excited) Hey Fry, did you know that this Torontréal place is warm and has bars and strippers and robots of all different backgrounds even bending ones and it use to be a frozen ball called Said-something and I know because the stick flashed me, well the last thing Leela told me but everything else was because of the stick. . . Oh yeah, and sorry about the arm.

Fry: (in pain) That's alright.

Bender: Besides, it was all Leela's fault.

Leela: We had to get out of that limo right away to, uh, be on time for our delivery.

Fry: This Canadian planet is safe right? I think I've seen Dr. Zoidberg enough times today.

Stick: (flashes a low, blue light over a long period)

Fry: What'd he say?

Bender: He said that polar-killbots will tear out your organs one by one.

Fry begins gasping uncontrollably.

Leela: Bender!

Bender: Sheesh. . . fine, that stupid stick said this Torontréal place is very safe other than a few minor issues.

Fry: Good ‘cause after this delivery I'm going to try and get a date with that April girl.

Leela: First off, it's Avril, and secondly, why can't you date someone that isn't a robot or a head in a jar for once?

Bender: Yeah. . . and even the people you try and date aren't even your species. . . just look at one eye over there.

Fry and Leela: Shut up Bender.

Fry: Hey, it's a free galaxy. . . I can date whoever I want.

Leela: That doesn't mean that they'll date you.

An awkward silence sweeps aboard after Leela's comment. She sinks back into her captain's chair and even the Gretzky Stick looks uncomfortable. . . somehow.

Leela: I'm going to go relax before we have to make the delivery. No one disturb me.

Leela flicks on the autopilot button and walks towards the exit of the deck. Dr. Zoidberg eagerly walks through the exit with an old crank drill in his claws.

Zoidberg: Where's my favourite patient now?

Leela: Right over there. Have fun.

Zoidberg: Open up and say "cheese."

Leela has an annoyed look on her face as she walks down the hallway that connects the deck with the rest of the ship. The girlish screams of Fry can be heard behind her.

Scene: A Spelling Beaver (Canadian spelling bee) is being televised. 200 children sit up on a huge stage in front of stadium seating. There are many empty chairs on stage as well. There are many cameras floating around, focused on the children. A lot of them are wearing glasses and a few are wearing monocles. A small boy with a number 66 written in Martian hung around his chest stands in front of a microphone in the centre of the stage. He's dressed in rural town clothes and various pictures of him from different sides are being projected onto virtual screens above where he is standing. These screens also list vital statistics including name (Joey-Joe-Joe), height (4'7"), weight (96 lbs), favourite hobby (collecting insects), turn-on (insects), etc. A hidden pronunciator says that the next word to be spelt is ‘Dyslexia.'

Joey: (he speaks with a hoser accent and every letter that he says, it flies up to one of the screens that he can't see) Dyslexia. . . D, Y, S, L, E, X, I, A eh.

A second ‘A' appears on the screen and a bunch of dictionary programs look up the word ‘dyslexia' along with the biological judges who are fed onto the screens via cameras. One of the judges then taps a little bell and seconds later, obnoxious buzzing sounds and red x's flash on the screens. Joey-Joe-Joe walks off the stage obviously hurt. All the screens focus on one of the judges, the head of Margaret Atwood.

Atwood: That's the 60th child that has put an extra "A" at the end of their word proving my theory once again that Caa-Naa-Daaian children are illiterate.

An angry soccer-spelling-mom from the audience stands up and growls. She lunges at Atwood holding with a folding chair in both arms.

Mom: My kid was right you pretentious bitch. . . prepare to DIE!!!

The channel then switches over to a picture of a beaver getting electrocuted by chewing on a powerline. Underneath is a message saying that the station is having technical difficulties. Leela sits on the couch in the lounge of the ship, confused by the Spelling Beaver.

Leela: Interesting local channels they've got here.

Veo is watching the exact same channel on a television in the workstation. Louis is busy building something and JORM is busy tapping on the electric eel tank.

Veo: Damn locals.

Veo presses an imaginary button in the air and the channel on the very old television changes. The Canucky Caa-Naa-Daaians and the Caa-Naa-Daaian Canucks are playing a game of Key-Hawk. There are three players in a locked room that is completely black and has glittering lights as to represent outer space. This is the antigravity room. The two players from the Canucky Caa-Naa-Daaians wear white jumpsuits with red arm and leg bands while the one player from the Caa-Naa-Daaian Canucks wears a red jumpsuit with white bands. One of the Canucky's players has a large pair of gloves – that each has one disk in the centre of the palm – and he is attempting to touch the Canucks' player with his gloves. The Canucks' player spins through the air like she is in a dazzling ballet and her extra-long sleeves, which are not even attached to the jumpsuit, spiral in such a way that it creates a fragile shield around her. In one of her hands she holds a large key. The Canucky's second player guards a locked door on the ceiling of the antigravity room that not surprisingly has a large lock built into it. This player wears a pair of shades, has a large lens on her jumpsuit and has multiple wires leading up the palm of one of her hands. An excited announcer relays the action over the TV.

Announcer: And she's heading right towards the left wall. . . I think she's going to try a twissile towards the door. . . she's planting her feet against the wall. . . the blinder looks ready for this, and, yes, she's launched herself right towards the door, still spinning. . .

Veo: (to the TV) Your trajectory is off and that blinder is going to take you apart you stupid rookie!

Announcer: She's floated past Neilson, and only the blinder can stop her. . . she's covering her face, a very classic manoeuvre. . . no! What a move! She's collided with the ceiling. . . the key is open game!

Veo: (with a smile on her lips) I told you. . .

Scene: Fry walks away from the Planet Express ship in the SkyDome Observatory parking lot. The Observatory has a huge telescope jutting out from the dome shaped roof that has been pulled back to show the innards of the building. Construction workers wearing jetpacks are magnetizing numerous searchlights to the protruding scope. The parking lot is practically empty at this point but various workers (guards, press, movers, shakers, Quakers) are busy getting ready for the gala. Fry looks overhead and a Gig Rig transporting a large red and white fuzzy carpet flies by heading towards the Observatory. He can barely see the Rig because of the massive hood he has on. He is huddled under various layers of winter clothing and there is sweat dripping down his face. He holds the Gretzky stick in one of his hands.

Fry: (as he strips down the layers) Damn Caa-Naa-Daaian winter. . . it's like the opposite of Earth's summer, but the same. Didn't Bender say something about this?

Fry finishes taking off the heavy clothing until he is in his jeans, t-shirt and red jacket. He looks at the pile of clothes and then back at the ship.

Fry: Mr. Gretzky Stick, can you contact the ship for me?

The Gretzky stick lights up in such a manner that the flashes lead to an intercom on the stick.

Fry: Awesome. I guess I just speak through this. (speaking through the intercom) Hey Leela, it's not cold out here so can you beam back my coats and scarves and stuff?

Leela: For the last time Fry, we don't have transporters. . . They only existed in the unmentionable show. Now hurry up and make the delivery and let me get back to getting ready for tonight.

Fry: (to himself) Pffft. It's only, um, Gretzky stick, what time is it?

4:30 pm appears in a digital font on the Gretzky Stick.

Fry: (to himself) It's only zero E-lowercase H in the afternoon. . . I've got plenty of time.

The Stick seems to sigh as it flashes the time again, this time facing right side up from Fry's viewpoint.

Fry: (to himself) It's only 4:30 in the afternoon. . . I've got plenty of time to take in some of the scenery. (looks around) Wow. . . that's a big telescope; enough to make some men jealous huh Gretzky Stick?

Stick: (flashes a series of colours) Translation: Weird Alienese characters.

Production manager: (voiceover) Hey Sal, these people don't understand that weird language. Set it to English or you'll be finding another job, again.

Sal: (voiceover) Alrights, geez. These guys should gets out more and learns some mores languages!

Stick: (flashes a series of colours, again) Translation: "I'm not one of those men Fry. I am a phallic object. . . although a bit bent. . . it's a hockey injury. . . no wait, it's just a hockey thing.

Fry: I like you Gretzky stick. . . you don't insult me and I assume all your flashing is because you like me so much. That and you don't break my arm. So I wonder if there's a Slurm dispenser around here.

Fry walks around the parking lot a bit, looking around at the skyscrapers and groundscrapers in the distance.

Fry: Wow. It's like it's New New York.

Random person shouting from a distant window: Don't say that. We have our own style here, we aren't trying to copy you at all. And watch out for that thing.

Fry: Thing? Uh-oh. My broken bone sense is tingling again Gretzky Stick. Literally.

Suddenly, from the inside of a fluffy cloud, a weird snake like contraption emerges. It slithers through the air as the reflected sun reflects yet again off its uneven surface. The materials used seem to be of different colours and textures. It starts to loose altitude and descend towards the parking lot. Fry starts running around in a circle panicked.

Fry: Okay, okay Fry. . . calm down. Remember the professor's training instructions.

Professor: (in an imaginary thought bubble) If your life is ever in immediate peril, save the cargo. What's that? Yes you can eat the rest of my sandwich you red haired monkey. (bubble disappears)

Fry: Don't worry Gretzky stick. . . I'll save you.

Fry throws the Stick away. Sparks fly as it hits the ground and skids.

Fry: Okay, now to save the Tri-Key. (he feels around for the Tri-Key on his chest) Oh no, the Tri-Key!

The serpent flyer slides onto the asphalt of the parking lot and tears its way towards Fry. He screams as it twists and turns. It roars right past him and ends up circling around him before it comes to a complete stop. A jet-black haired woman wearing goggles and flared, beige riding breeches jumps out a hole in the front of the flyer.

Veo: (to someone inside) Now I'm glad Louis didn't put in windows yet.

JORM pops her head out from the hole.

JORM: Do you have enough change?

Veo: (checking her pockets) No. . . get some for me would you. (to herself) Damn city parking.

Veo notices the Gretzky stick lying in front of her. Fry still is standing hiding inside of his red coat.

Veo: Wayne Gretzky? What the hell are you doing here?

Stick: (nonchalantly flashes)

Veo: Who delivered you?

Fry looks down at the goggled stranger holding on to Stick as he climbs to the top of the serpent flyer.

Fry: (nervously) Hey you bulgy eyed alien, let go of that stick.

Veo: (to the stick) Him? Interesting. (She takes the goggles off her eyes and rests them on her forehead.)

Fry: Now it has four eyes! What's with the future and nobody having two eyes anymore?

Veo: Hey Rocket Robin, I'm a human just like you. Come down here, I'd like to talk to you.

Fry: Yes missus. (Fry slides down the sloped body of the serpent flyer and walks over to Veo who is now holding the Gretzky Stick, which has been flashing)

Veo: (seductively) So you're the delivery boy? I've seen some pretty interesting movies that star people with your job. Wayne here tells me that you threw him out of the way of my little Eeflyer over there.

JORM: (As she jumps out of the ‘window' of the Eeflyer) You of course mean our Eeflyer.

Veo: I don't think that matters all that much to our brave delivery boy here.

Fry: No ma'am. . . and yes ma'am, I threw the stick.

Veo: I'm not in my cougar stage yet Robin. . . call me Veo.

Fry: Veo. . . that's a nice name.

JORM: Delivery boy? You don't think he could be delivering the –

Veo: May I see your package. . . Mr., well, what should I call you?

Fry: Fry. . . just Fry. And here's my package.

Fry pulls up his t-shirt to reveal the Tri-Key chained around his neck.

Veo: This is definitely an interesting turn of events.

Fry: This is my bling for these big heroes tonight.

JORM: Bling? What language's slang is that from?

Veo: Not now JORM. . . go fill up the meter or check on the eels or something.

JORM: Don't be a bitch Veo –

Veo: Don't get personal this time; I just want to talk to Fry here.

JORM: Fine. . . I'll be back soon. Hey Fry, what's this on your shirt? (points to Fry's stomach because he is still holding his shirt up)

Fry: Huh?

JORM: (flailing her hand upward, bopping Fry in the nose) Gotcha. Off I go!

JORM climbs back into the Eeflyer.

Veo: Don't mind her; she sometimes does things like that.

Fry: We used to do that back in the 20th Century. I should've known something was up because I'm not really wearing my shirt.

Veo: No. . . you aren't. That's a cute gut you've got there.

Leela comes running up towards Fry and Veo holding the box that is supposed to contain the Tri-Key. She is semi prettied up for the gala, with some make up on and a dress worn underneath her white tank top.

Leela: Fry!!! You forgot the key you idiot! I tried to contact you through Mr. Gretzky but I couldn't get through.

Fry: (turning around, noticing Leela) Oh hey Leela, this is my new friend Veo.

Leela: (seeing the Tri-Key around Fry's neck) It's against protocol to wear your package. A package should be in a package you can open like this box, that's what makes it a package! And you're showing it off to perfect strangers. You know Fry, just when I think you can't do any worse –

Veo: Actually. . . I'm one of the recipients of the Tri-Key. . . the question is, who the hell are you?

Fry: Ummm, this is my captain, Leela. She's really nice once you get to know her.

Veo: Isn't that the way with all women?

Leela: Listen sister, you may or may not be receiving this key tonight, but either way it must be delivered in its box along with Mr. Gretzky whom you happen to be holding. . . and if you are the person you claim to be then I'm sorry for all the rude comments that you may be listening to right now.

Veo: You're right. . . the Key isn't mine yet, and maybe that's a good thing. It's probably better that you put the Tri-Key in the box Fry, and I'll carry Wayne for you if that's alright with him.

Stick: (one simple blue flash)

Veo: He says it's fine and dandy if I do. (to Fry) Shall we go, unless your captain has anything else she would like to say?

Leela: (bitterly) Well I do. Fry, you and Zoidberg are going to guard the ship while Bender and I watch the festivities after you make the delivery.

Fry: Aww! But I brought my best tuxedo t-shirt!

Leela: (rationally) You should be around Zoidberg just in case your bones start to hurt again. (awkwardly) And I guess I'm sorry. . . Veo.

Veo: It's a shame I won't be able to see Fry again tonight but I'll just get to know him a bit better on our walk. You better touch up your make-up captain Leela, you've only got under three hours before the big bang tonight. Bye.

Leela looks, confusedly, at Veo then Fry, and walks back to the Planet Express Ship. Fry finally puts his shirt down, takes the key off with Veo's help and puts it back in the box. JORM pops her head out of the Eeflyer as Fry and Veo walk to the SkyDome.

JORM: (to Veo) Hey wait. . . where are you going?

Veo: To help deliver our award. . . while I'm gone, can you call Louis and tell him to start brainstorming because the Eeflyer is down. I want a decent landing for tonight's ceremony. I'll be back soon.

JORM: (to Veo as she walks out of hearing range) Alright. . . I hope seeing your award before you get it isn't a sign of bad luck.

Scene: Inside the SkyDome Observatory all sorts of famous Caa-Naa-Daaian figures that no one has heard about are in the audience. Prime Minister Trudeau the third sits with a large foam finger on one of his hands. Nearby, the head of Margaret Atwood watches the stage sedately through the cracked glass of her jar. Most of the former Prime Minister's heads are in the audience, except the ones that have gone missing over the years. Players from the Canucks, the Caa-Naa-Daaians and other Key-Hawk teams are also in the audience, some wearing mouthguards and some with bruises on their faces. Leela and Bender both sit beside the Gretzky stick with VIP tags branded to their bodies. Leela is in a sleek brown dress with a triangular necklace of fake pearls and a full compliment of makeup. Bender looks bloated for an unknown reason, like he's holding something big in his torso. His eyes are also distant, like he's far away from his body. He wears a metal bowtie right beneath his head.

The audience circles the middle of the Observatory, which of course, is where the giant telescope is located. The stage is lavishly decorated with three different podiums facing outwards. The stage is attached to the base of the telescope and moves like a 360-degree restaurant. The searchlights are now turned on and they scan the skies through the opened roof of the venue. The ‘backstage area' is the observation deck under the base of the telescope. Veo, Louis and JORM all wait nervously as a few security guards patrol the area. Louis has a nicely designed vest on, with matching dress pants and looks immaculately clean (even with his Davy Crockett Hat on). JORM wears a smart-looking suit with enough of a gap between the flaps of the suit jacket to reveal some major cleavage. However, an inexplicable polka-dot tie lessens the blow from her bosom. Veo wears a skin-tight, backless, jet-black slip dress with matching stilettos of which the height of the heel can be remotely adjusted. The three presenters on stage talk on and on about the history of the Tri-Key as the members of Edifaction try and kill time.

Louis: So you did find a babysitter for tonight.

Veo: You act like I'm still not pissed off at you.

Louis: You have to chill. . . it landed, that's all that matters.

Veo: But will it be able to take off when we make our exit to after party? Do you want to be the only ones not at our party because we're stuck in the parking lot trying to get our ride to start?

JORM: If all else fails you can ask to hitch a ride with that delivery boy.

Veo: That is an excellent idea. Fry did bring a tuxedo t-shirt that would meet the minimum dress code.

Louis: I hear a name I don't know.

JORM: He's the one that delivered the Tri-Key to, well, here. We met him after our fearless leader crashed the Eeflyer.

Veo: Don't worry; I'll introduce you to him later. (peeking out on stage) Why won't this thing go any faster?

Louis: Like I said. . . relax. Ride the wave of celebration.

Veo: Look JORM, that he-man of a captain actually made him guard their ship.

JORM: (peeking out now as well) Where is she sitting?

Veo: Over there, by Gretzky.

Leela sits quietly with Bender as the presenters have moved onto the history of Wayne Gretzky. They both talk over the stick.

Leela: (whispering) This is pretty exciting, isn't it? (pause) Bender? Bender!

Bender: What did you say?

Leela: Alright, what's going on. You've barely smoked or drank or said a word or since we left the ship.

Bender: (nervous) I'm just enjoying this festival of celebration I am.

Leela: Alright but you better not be up to something evil. I picked you over Fry so Planet Express won't be publicly shamed for a 33 consecutive time.

Bender: I'm sure the organ-sack mammal is fine. . . now shush, I'm listening to the man.

Leela: I'm watching you Bender. . . you're bulging stomach and beeping antenna won't fool me. Wait a minute. . .

Tri-Presenters: And now, with out further eh-do (drum roll is heard, everyone in the audience except Leela and Bender laugh). . .

Bender: They call this comedy?

Tri-Presenter: here are the recipients of the all-inspiring Tri-Key. (a man in a tuxedo slowly descends with his jetpack to the stage. He is carrying the Tri-Key box in his arms. The presenters announce the name as the key holder makes his descent) The scientist, Jakeilla O'Reilly Ruriko Mokorvichsha Smith (the crowd applauds)

JORM: (backstage) Well, here we go! (she runs out towards one of the presenters)

Tri-Presenter: The mechanic, Louis Rile.

Veo: Go out Louis!

Louis: We're a team; we should go out there as one.

Veo: Too late. JORM's already representing the lot of us.

Tri-Presenter: (as the key holder is about to land) and their leader –

Bender's antenna shakes violently and emits a loud beeping noise.

Atwood: This is just another example of how today's youth live in a male-dominated society that refuses to turn off cellphones and relinquish control to us females. . .

Leela: Bender! What are you doing!? You're embarrassing us again!

Tri-Presenter: Veo –

Suddenly shadows of flying horses can be seen within the sweeping searchlights. A long tongue whips downward, grabs onto the key holder and sucks him up into the night sky. The entire audience looks up in horror not able to see the impending doom that hovers above. The jetpack and box with the Tri-Key in it falls to the floor. In a rush of natural instinct, JORM rushes towards the box to try and recover it. All about her, guards, some armed with ray guns, other with pepper-cannons, fire blindly towards the towering telescope. One by one they are picked off by long, powerful tongues. Neighing and groaning can be heard from the skies. One of the tongues whips JORM and she falls off the stage. Leela stands to attention and rushes towards the box.

Leela: (shouting) Bender. . . quick, stretch your arms out and get the Tri-Key. . . just pretend like you're stealing it!

Bender: (ashamed) I can't!

Leela: (shouting) Why no – Wait, Bender. . . are you responsible for this?

A voice booms from the skies as tongues continue to rain down.

Voice: You people have stifled this planet's opportunities for greatness for far too long. . . now I ask you to hand over the Tri-Key – our tainted national symbol – or you will face the wrath and political jargon of the Battalion of Chin!

Louis and Veo stand by one of the entrances to the stage, ready to leap into action.

Veo: You ready for this?

Louis: Ready as ever will be!

They both rush out.

To be continued. . .

What will happen in the next exciting episode?

Has Bender really joined up with the Battalion of Chin?

Who the hell are they, anyway?

And what about Fry and Zoidberg?

Will he get lucky with Veo?

(I'm talking about Fry, not Zoidberg. . . duh)

Find out, next week. . . whenever Fox decides to put us on.

Closing credits roll.


Original Creators
Matt Groening
David X. Cohen

Written by
DarkMadrigal

Edited by
Christopher D.

Starring
Billy West
Katey Sagal
John DiMaggio

Also starring

Phil Lamarr
Lauren Tom
Guest starring
Avril Lavigne. . .. . .. . .Herself
Margaret Atwood. . .. . .. . ..Herself
Strobe Light. . .. . .. . ..Gretzky Stick
Jo Momma. . .. . .. . ..Veo, JORM
DarkMadrigal. . .. . .. . .Louis, Joey Joe Joe

Futurama Copyright 1999-2005
Twentieth Century Fox Film Corporation
Edifaction Crew Copyright 2005
DarkMadrigal
All Rights Reserved

Air Date: 11/03/05
Buddies