Futurama

Fan Fiction

Dollface
By Gulliver63

In a lavish ballroom in Little Neptune, the Donbot stood up to speak to the body of robots known as the Commission. All the old-timers were there, what was known as the "Computer Nostra" with their floppy slots in separate drives. The old-timers were slow and really had very little memory between the bunch of them, but they still commanded respect. Everyone showed their obeisance as the computer known as "The Commodore" was wheeled in; he awkwardly inserted an old cassette into his memory drive for the meeting.

Cigar smoke filled the ballroom as the Donbot spoke. "I'd first like to start off by expressing my thanks to the computer union for giving us this solid gold Apple Macintosh as a gift; notice the detail on the screen and floppy drive." He handed the small computer to the mobsters so everyone could see it.

Everyone nodded in admiration as the golden computer was passed around. As the Don continued to speak, a little girl with her brown hair in pig-tails stood there quietly next to him. "I can see that all of the five computer families are represented here today; Apple, Wang, Osborne, Compaq, and of course, Hewlett-Packard. I see we even have the Montana-bot here with us."

The android, with a huge cigar in its mouth spoke. "How joo doing, mang?"

"And we also have Moe Green-bot here with us." The Donbot turned to the girl. "It now gives me great pleasure to introduce the newest member of our criminal enterprises; to my knowledge, she's the first ever 'made-child' in a syndicate. Why don’t you introduce yourself to my esteemed colleagues…"

Tonya curtsied. "My name is Tonya ‘Dollface’ Dolci, and committing crimes for a secret criminal society is my favoritest thing in the whole world."

The Donbot then noticed that Moe Green-bot seemed to have a problem with her. "Moe, do you have an issue with Miss Tonya joining us?"

The android, who wore eyeglasses, stood up. "I'm Moe Green-bot...Moe Green-bot. I was making my bones when this kid was in diapers."

"Is that why you had to smack little Miss Tonya's behind?"

"Hey...she was stealing stuffed elephants from Circus, Circus - I got a business to run. Besides, I just put her in time out is all."

"I'm awful sorry Mister Green," Tonya told him as she gave him a sweet smile, "can I come back some time?"

"Sure kid...I'll comp you for a few video games."

The Michael Corleone-bot in his dashing fedora then stood up and pointed to the Moe Green-bot. "We leave tomorrow morning," he told him, "think about an offer."

"He can't talk to me that way; I'm Moe Green-bot...Moe Green-bot!"


Bender sat in the lounge of the Planet Express building looking at the webpage of Sharper Robot Image on a computer tablet. “Let’s see,” he told himself, “what kind of behind can I order?” He continued to thumb through the pages.

“Hmmm…Bulgarian Dreadnaught? Naw, I don’t think so. The Pittsburgh Steeler? Shiny, but no. The Sheffield Iron Maiden? Nope. Wait – wow…that’s the one. The Brazilian Brass Butt.” Bender started to order the metal buttocks from the page. “Just look at how those moons shine…Come to daddy…”


Meanwhile, across town, Tonya gazed in wonder at a pair of diamond-encrusted dancing shoes in the window of Costington's. “Baby needs a new pair of shoes,” she whispered as she poked her finger at the pane of glass. “You’re gonna be mine soon.” She then happily danced away down the street singing the old tune from "Annie". "The sun'll come out tomorrow..."


Joey Mousepad stopped by the Donbot’s office after the meeting. “Hey boss – mind if I talk with you a minute?”

“Sure, Joey…grab a seat. What’s on your mind?”

Boss, you know I never question your judgment…”

“Yes – go on…”

“Well, do you think it was the best thing to bring a little girl into our syndicate?”

“Joey, I can see your concern. Let me show you something.” The Donbot pressed a remote and an image appeared on the wall. Tonya was on the afternoon train rolling into New New York City. Joey started to say something, and Donbot silenced him. “Just watch, Joey.”

Tonya was engaged in an innocent childlike conversation with a conductor. “Mister, what’s in those leather bags over there?”

“Oh, those? That’s the money delivery that goes to the big banks and businesses. Your Mommy and Daddy might be using some of those fresh new Nixon Funbucks to buy you a nice shiny present for your birthday.”

“And they come on the train like this every afternoon?”

“Oh, yes. Fresh off the press.” As the conductor went back to his business, Tonya smiled and winked at her kiddie ring where the camera was hidden.

The Donbot shut off the video. “Well, what do you think?”

“That’s genius boss – she picked him clean for information. That guy would have thrown Clamps or I off the train for even asking about that stuff. They think that she’s just a sweet kid.”

“I just need you boys to provide the muscle. After that, I think we’ll have ourselves a one-child crime wave in no time - there's no down-side to this.”


The next morning Tonya skipped along to school and stopped by Costington’s to see her coveted shoes. She let out a gasp when she saw that they weren’t there. She went inside to see if someone had bought them.

“Somebody stole them last night,” the shop lady told her, “I know you had your heart set on them – I’ve seen you looking at them every day. I'm sorry.”

Tonya sobbed. “Who would do such a thing?”

“All we could tell the police was that the heat-sensitive alarms never went off…we figure that it must have been a robot…”

Tonya’s eyes were filled with rage. “A robot…” She suddenly felt an urgent need for sugar - the candy store was right around the corner.


An excited and worried Fry woke Bender up from a deep sleep. “What? What?”

“There’s something radioactive over by the window…it’s glowing!”

“Huh? Oh those are just a pair of shoes.”

“Shoes?” He went over to investigate. “These are shoes…”

Bender chuckled.” Diamond studded, no less.”

“They’re for a kid…a girl. What are you doing with these?”

“I was walking by Costington’s and thought I might need them.”

“Oh, Bender – you promised you wouldn’t steal anymore.”

“And since when did I make such a promise? Besides…who would actually want them…’cept me. He he he…”


You’re gonna need to whack somebody…

After school Tonya was called into a serious meeting in the Don’s office; Joey Mousepad and Clamps were both there.

“I personally would like to welcome you on board to our operation., little lady.”

“Thank you, Mister Donbot…I’m looking forward to starting work. I would have been here sooner, but Miss Moreau made me clean the erasers.”

“There is, however, one last test that you must pass before you get started.”

“Sure…what would you like me to do?”

“We’re gonna need you to whack somebody.”

The child’s face was flush with horror. “I’ve never hurt anyone before…at least not a person…lots of robots, but never a person.”

The Donbot chuckled. “No, honey…it’s a robot I need whacked. Do you think you’re up to it?”

The child made a handgun with her tiny hands and closed one of her eyes. “Mr. Donbot, all I need to know is where...they...are…”

“You were right boss,” Joey said, “she was a good choice.”

Clamps looked gutted. “Are you sure you don’t want me getting him in the clamps? Just to be on the safe side?”

“Naw…I’d like to see Tonya in action. Besides, who’s gonna think that a sweet young girl like this could pull off such a nasty piece of wet-work? Joey, take her downstairs and get her ready for tonight’s hit.”

“Sure boss. Come along, miss…”

Tonya happily skipped out of the office singing. “We’re gonna kill a robot, we’re gonna kill a robot…”


Tonya was taken into the basement of the headquarters building. Joey pulled out a menacing-looking weapon and handed it to the little girl.

“This is an electro-magnetic pulse gun which directs an EMP blast in whatever direction you want it to go – whoa, don’t point it at me. Just point it at any robot or computer, and it will fry out the circuitry like a fish on a griddle. Here…let’s try it out.”

Joey turned on a radio sitting on a table, which began blaring out a Justin Bieber song. The girl aimed the weapon, which made a loud buzzing sound as she fired it. Sparks flew out of the radio as its insides were roasted; smoke poured out of the back of it.

“Hey…are you sure you’ve never shot one of these things before? Okay kid, you’re weapon here has had its serial numbers filed off, so it’s virtually untraceable. When the deed is done, just let it drop to your side and walk out of the joint.”

Joey pulled out a photograph. “Here’s the guy you gotta whack – this is the Sollozzo-bot, who has tried numerous times to bump off Donbot. We set up a meeting with him in a robot bar known as The Pit Stop. He’s gonna pick you up, and take you there for dinner. There is gonna be one more robot with him at the meeting – Police Captain Hal O’Connor.”

The girl grit her teeth. “I know the Police Captain – that tough old Mick put me in time-out once.”

“So you’re good with whacking him – that’s even better. Listen carefully…they're gonna give you a security scan, so you can't be packing when you meet 'em. I’m gonna have this gun in the bathroom behind one of those old pull toilets waiting for you. When the time comes for the hit, just excuse yourself to go to the bathroom. When the deed is done, walk out of the place real fast but don’t run. They’re gonna be looking at your face, Tonya. Don’t look anyone directly in the eye, but don’t look away either. All the robots in the joint are gonna be scared stiff of you, so don't worry about nuttin' - you'll do just fine."

"Is it going be bad, Mr. Mousepad?"

"Oh yeah, it's gonna be bad - everyone's gonna catch hell. But it has to happen every few years. You'll be fine."

Tonya looked up at the robot. "It's not personal - it's just business."

Joey rubbed the girl's head. "Good kid."


Early that next evening, Tonya waited at a street corner as a long black limousine pulled up. The rear door opened up, and two robots looked over at her.

"Huh? What is this, a minivan? We're not going to the Baby Gap."

Tonya gave them an evil smile. "The Don sends his best."

"Okay, kid...hop in."

As the long black car made its way over a bridge, Tonya asked, "Oh, are we going to New Jersey? I like New Jersey - I danced over there once."

"Maybe," replied Sollozzo-bot casually. The car suddenly did a U-turn in front of traffic, causing angry motorists to blow their horns. They soon found themselves at the robot joint in Little Neptune known as The Pit Stop.

Sollozzo-bot looked over at the Police Captain. "Have you given her a security scan?"

"She's clean," he told him in this thick Irish brogue. "Her thing is a night stick - she's not carrying anything." He patted Tonya on the head. "Sorry about the time-out the other day, little wee one - I must be gettin' too cranky for me own job."

"No harm - no foul," she chuckled.

The three then made their way into the restaurant and were quickly seated.

"I hear the Lucas Oil Indianapolis Blend is particularly good here," the captain said, "I need it for me old joints." Sollozzo-bot ordered for them, and asked for a Shirley Temple for Tonya.

"If you don't mind," Sollozzo-bot told Tonya, "I'm going to speak briefly with my robot friend here in Bocce; it's the language of the old robot families."

"Oh, I don't mind. My Aunt Beru speaks that."

When the conversation finally made its way back to Tonya, she expressed herself plainly and eloquently as she sipped her Shirley Temple. "What I want...what's most important to me is that I have a guarantee...no more attempts on the Don's life."

"What guarantee can I give you, kid? You think too highly of me - I'm the hunted one..."

"I've got to go to the potty," Tonya then told him.

"What...are you kidding? Just like that? Okay - but hurry back." As Tonya skipped off to the restroom, Sollozzo-bot told the captain, "...Kid must have a bladder like a walnut."

"Ya gotta go," he replied, "ya gotta go."

Once inside the bathroom, Tonya desperately searched for the EMP gun. After hunting around a few minutes for it, she finally found it behind the toilet unit. "Ewww...lots of germs behind here," she noted.

The two were busy drinking their lubricant oils when the girl returned. Sollozzo-bot's eye receptors grew large as he spotted the EMP gun. She smiled cruelly at him, like a child preparing to smash an insect with her shoe. "Again...the Don sends his best." She pulled the trigger.

Everyone in the restaurant turned as Sollozzo-bot exploded in a shower of sparks; his roasted, lifeless metal carcass slid to the floor with a loud thump. She then turned the weapon to the captain.

"You wouldn't dare shoot me," he told her. "I'm city property."

She squeezed the trigger, and sparks flew out of the robot. "I guess you would," he said as he slid out of his seat to the floor. Tonya then quickly marched out of the restaurant, leaving the two smoking metal hunks behind in a large pool of motor oil. Springs, nuts and bolts littered the floor. As soon as she stepped outside a black sedan picked her up and whisked her away.

Hedonismbot, watching out the window, let out a perverse giggle as he shoved grapes into his mouth. "Oh my...it's a return to those old, barbarous times. How downright kinky..."


That evening Leela watched the news in the lounge as she sipped her hot chocolate. "All this senseless robot-on-robot violence; where will it end?"

Bender, more concerned with cooking spaghetti for everyone's dinner, payed little attention to the television. "I don't care about it," he noted, "as long as it don't involve me. Come on over here Leela and learn something - you may have to cook for all of these so-called normal humans someday. You don't have to worry about Zoidy - he'd eat an old shoe if you threw it at him."

Leela blinked her eye and turned her head as she watched the television screen. "Why do they always make a newspaper turn around in circles like that? Why don't they just show us the headlines? My cyclops eye gets dizzy looking at it - I feel like I'm getting sucked into a whirlpool."

"Well, don't look at it sister. This world is much too sad to focus on violence and crime."

Leela looked at him. "Bender, that's the most philosophical thing I've ever heard you say - you're becoming more and more human every day."

Bender peeked up from his cooking. "I'll try to ignore that racially-insensitive remark, sister." He looked back down into his stock pot. "Leela, I forget - do humans usually eat badger?"


Meanwhile, at the infamous mob hangout The Robot Sportsman's Club in Ozone Park, the Donbot's gang had a celebratory lunch with little miss Tonya. Clamps had the whole place rolling in laughter with a ridiculous story about a robot repair shop.

"That was really funny," Tonya told him. "You're a really funny robot."

Clamps quickly stopped laughing. "Funny how?"

"Huh?"

"Funny how? Do I amuse you? You're a big girl...you said it. Funny how? Am I a clown for your amusement? Funny how?" He angrily snapped a clamp in the air.

Joey stepped in. "She didn't mean nuttin' by it..."

"I mean...you tell a funny story is all..." Tonya's lip trembled a bit, like she could cry.

"And that makes me funny? Funny how?"

Tonya's expression then changed to one of amusement. "Get the heck out of here..."

Clamps erupted into laughter with the other robots. "I almost had her...I almost had her..."

"You're a funny robot," Tonya said laughing with the others.

"I almost had her...you will fold under questioning." Clamps jokingly snapped his clamp in the air again as the whole place laughed even harder.


A bored Bender wandered along the tracks of the Long Island Railroad pondering to himself. "How am I going to pay for my new buttocks when they come in? The Old Man is going to blow a gasket when he sees how much they are. Oh, but they're shiny...all that old-world craftsmanship - I just gotta have 'em." He stooped down to pick up a tattered Nixon Funbuck from the tracks. He looked up as he heard an incoming train whistle. He pondered some more as the maglev train roared past him. "Hmmm..."


Late in the afternoon, as the 5:30 express train came up from Philly, a little girl with pig-tails sat quietly holding a teddy bear and watching out the window. Tonya had planned out to the last detail what would surely be the greatest heist of the century, surely rivaling the Great Train Robbery of Britain, the Great Antwerp Diamond Heist, and the Great Porn Theft of Alpha Ceti V. She had intentionally placed herself in the first car where the bags of money were located. She was startled by a woman's voice off to her side. "Are you doing okay, sweetie?"

She looked up at the woman. "Oh, I'm fine. I'm visiting my Aunt Beru at the moisture farms in the Queens."

"Just let me know if you need anything, honey."

For that short moment of distraction, something had happened; she could hear a commotion ahead of her.

"Look at that robot," a woman blurted out, "he's getting away with the money delivery!"

Tonya turned quickly to see Bender running across the fields with the money bag; several dollar bills flew out the top of it as he ran.

The woman spoke to Tonya again. "How dare he commit a crime like this...in front of an innocent child, no less. I'm so sorry you had to see this, honey."

Tonya looked up into the woman's eyes. "Don't worry miss - bad people get what's coming to them, you'll see..." Again, that look of an angry child preparing to step on an ant returned to her young face. "He'll get exactly what's coming to him..."


"Fry, Fry - you gotta hide me! Fry..."

"What?" said Fry as he spilled Slurm on his shirt. "What's this all about?"

"I'm hot...the heat's on - I think the cops saw me come in here!"

"What...to Planet Express? You practically live here." Fry then spotted the mailbag with the money. "Oh, crap-nuggets...what did you do?"

"I...uh...made a withdrawal of some money...from the 5:30 train."

"And you brought it here?!"

"You gotta help me, Fry! They'll send me to Sing Sing, or that new supermax prison on Mercury. Do you have any idea of what they would do to a robot like me in those places? I'll be sold to the Mexican Robot Mafia to be used as a...I can't even think of it!"

"What are you two egg-heads doing in here?"asked Leela.

Fry thought quickly. "Uh, Bender wanted to know where he could store some of his...uh, laundry."

"Laundry, huh...he can store it in the mailroom for now, but the Old Man doesn't want the place to become a dumping ground."

"That's a great idea, Leels."

Leela walked away. "Knowing you two, it's probably stolen money."

"She is so wise," added Bender.

"Come on - we've got to get this stashed away."


Bender had a tumultuous night sleep with horrible dreams; in one dream he was shanked by another robot on a prison yard; oil was everywhere. When he got back to work that next morning, he knew something was wrong.

"What's up?" Bender asked the others.

"Someone broke into our mailroom last night," answered the Professor, "and they stole your laundry, Bender."

Bender let out a high-pitched squeal as he bit his metal fingers.

"I know, I know. You probably had that Hawaiian shirt in there that you liked so much." He then reached into his pocket. "But here is a great piece of luck - this 5 dollar Funbuck was left behind; you probably had it in your shirt pocket."

"We're missing something else," noted Amy, "we had a package sitting in here from the Brazilian Bronzeworks."

Bender squealed again, this time louder; tears began to stream down his metal face. "My butt...they got my lovely butt. I was too greedy...too covetous...I just wanted too much..."

"Now wait a minute," said Leela, "I know we have a security system in here with a camera. Let's just see what's on it." She grabbed the tiny device off of the wall and attached it to a computer unit in the mailroom. A dark greenish image filled the screen, but they couldn't see anyone.

"Oh my God," Fry blurted out, "it's a ghost; who did you piss off from beyond the grave, Bender?"

"Hush," said Leela.

Finally a tiny hand could be seen shutting the unit off; the screen went black.

Leela scolded the Professor. "I told you not to mount that thing up 5 feet off of the ground, dummy..."

"I wasn't expecting anyone miniature to break in," he told her. "Burglars are usually big thuggish brutes, aren't they?"

"I've been trained in criminology," announced Zoidberg, "and I can clearly tell you that what we are dealing with is a midget. He's disgruntled, possibly having been let go from a circus, or an episode of 'Fantasy Island' I tell you. I'm going to need a list of all the citizens of New New York under 4' 7" tall..."

"Oh, horse-feathers," said Leela. "This thing has audio, too." She tapped a button on the computer. As a child's singing voice came through the speakers, Leela's eye got wide.

"The sun'll come out tomorrowSo you got to hang on till' tomorrow, come what may!Tomorrow, tomorrow, I love ya, tomorrowYou're always a day away..."

"I guess that beats the hell out of the midget theory," Fry noted.

"Hey guys," Amy said, "there's something else back here. It's a toy robot wrapped up in newspaper."

Leela examined it. "Ick...it's wrapped up with a mackerel - and it's been sitting here all night."

"It's an old robot warning from the 32 bit processor days," Zoidberg told them. "It means, 'the robot sleeps with the fishes.'"

Leela looked angrily over at Bender and Fry, who were both visibly shaken. "Now...do you guys want to tell me a little more about your bag of so-called laundry?"

Zoidberg raised a claw. "I know that it's evidence, but is that mackerel spoken for?"


Leave the cannoli, take the gun

The Donbot looked down at the child's eyes. "A hit? You want me to order a hit?"

"Please, mister Donbot?" Tonya flashed him that adorable smile.

"You know...I just couldn't say no to such a sweet face my piccolo bambina. And, seeing as I've had problems with this particular bending unit before, why not. But, and I want to make this clear, I don't want him whacked near a school - that's an infamia. Other than that, Bender truly does sleep with the fishes. Gabish?"

"Gabish," she said with a smile.

"Joey, I have a sentimental weakness for my child employees and I spoil them, as you can see. They talk when they should listen – but I do like the idea of this hit. Send Clamps in here."


Later, during lunch time, Fry had a glum look on his face as he walked over to a nearby park with his sack lunch. He spotted a Slurm machine next to the refreshment building, and decided to grab a pop to drink. As his can popped out into the catch tray, he curled his face up with disgust.

“Ewww! Seoul Gate Kimchi Soda? I didn’t order this!” He kicked the machine, which let out a yell – Fry recognized the machine’s voice. “Bender?”

“Shhh! Keep it quiet, or I’ll get whacked!”

“And you’re hiding out in this machine?”

“My life is over as a delivery robot…”

“Well, you certainly suck as a vending machine.”

“You know Fry,” Bender lamented, “I swear that I can actually hear the sound of the Grim Reaper coming closer.”

Fry looked around. “Huh…I can hear it too. Sort of a ‘clacking’ sound. And he sings too.”

Fry then spotted little Miss Tonya coming up to them, dragging a stick along the fence and happily singing. “The sun’ll come out tomorrow

“Shhh! Here she comes!” Fry put his back to the machine and spread his arms across it.

“Well?” asked little Tonya.

“Well what?” asked Fry.

“What do you think you’re doing, mister?”

“Uh…um…trying to look inconspicuous in front of this soda machine…”

“You’re not doing a very good job – you look like you’re hiding something..or someone. Anyway, can I have a can of soda? I'm starting to get a sugar jag.”

“Uh, sure…I guess.” He slowly peeled himself away from the machine.

The child curled her face up in disgust as she looked at the selections. “Eww…Aussie Vegemite Soda? Omicronian Nectar of Conquered Souls Cola? I don’t want any of those anyway. Go back to whatever it was that you weren’t supposed to do, mister strange man.”

Tonya walked over to a nearby machine and dropped in a quarter. When no soda pop can fell into the tray, Tonya got angry and pulled out an EMP gun from her book bag. The machine died in an explosion of sparks, and a can finally dropped into the tray. As she took the can, she began singing as she walked away. “Tomorrow, tomorrow, I love ya, tomorrow…”

As Fry watched the girl walk away, he heard a popping noise and soda pop began pouring out of Bender’s machine onto his pant leg. “I know how ya feel, big guy.”

“Fry, I never knew the devil was young enough to sell girl scout cookies.”


As Joey Mousepad and Clamps were walking near Central Park, they spotted a robot doing a dance routine for money on the street. “Is dat him?” asked Joey.

“Yeah…that looks like a bending unit – let’s get him!” Clamps grabbed one of his metallic arms; he didn't even realize that they were softer than metal limbs.

“Oww!!”

“Oww?” asked Joey. “What you mean, oww?”

“That clamp hurts!”

“But you is a robot…how could his clamp hurt?”

I’m not a robot, you nit-wit! I’m a person!”

“But you was movin’ like a robot,” Clamps noted.

“It’s part of a dance routine – I’m a street performer. This is how I make my living.”

“Oh,” said Clamps.

“Well, did you like the routine? Was it worth a little loose change?”

“You was a bit stiff, but you was imitating a robot. That’s worth a few funbucks.” The two dropped some money in his hat and left.


By afternoon Bender had given up hiding in the soda machine and painted himself red-orange in an attempt to imitate Zoidberg. The costume was completed with false face tentacles and fake pincers. Zoidy was more than happy to instruct him on the fine art of dumpster diving, and was thrilled to finally have a friend to pal around with.

“Vigliotti’s Pizza dumps their leavings here every Thursday,” he told Bender, “it’s a veritable feast of pepperoni, sausage and anchovies.”

“Excuse me,” said a child from behind them, “but have either of you seen a bending unit lately? He might be hiding in this alleyway.”

The two turned to see little Tonya.

“No,” said Zoidberg, “but we found some lovely breadsticks in here we can share with you.”

She then gazed up at Bender. “I’d hate to think that low-down robot evaded me with some sort of disguise. What are you supposed to be anyway? You look like a robot in disguise.”

Bender answered in his best Jamaican accent. “Why no, little wee one. Me is a crustacean, see? We live far beneat da cold ocean.” Bender snapped his false pincers and suddenly broke out into a song. “Unda da sea, unda da sea…”

The child put her hands up. “Okay, stop it – I get it. You’re a Disney extra. If you see that robot named Bender just tell him I’m looking for him.”

“Why certainly, Little Miss Ting. Can me tell him who’s looking for him?”

Tonya reached into her book bag and handed Bender a tarot card with the Grim Reaper on it. “Here’s my card…just tell him I’m looking for him.”

Bender trembled as the little girl walked away. Again she sang. “The sun’ll come out tomorrow…”

Zoidberg, oblivious what had just happened, went back to surveying the dumpster. “Look my friend - there’s a dead tabby cat in here – this is a real banquet!”


Wednesday, May 11th, 3014

“I can remember that morning so well,” Tonya recalls, “as I’d been eating candy all morning; I started my day on a sugar rush. As I walked outside of my home with a book bag full of EMP gun parts, there it was – a helicopter droid. I was under surveillance. They had finally figured out who whacked the police chief.

“I was going to be busy all that day; I was going to drop the gun parts off with the DonBot, and then I had to walk my baby sister home from a doctor’s appointment.

“Right away I knew the DonBot wasn’t going to want the gun parts; as it turned out, most of them didn’t fit together anyway. I only bought the darn things because he wanted them, and now he didn’t want them. He scolded me for all the candy I’d been eating, and he told me that all the sugar I ate was rotting my brain. I didn’t say a thing. He was so ticked off that he didn’t even say goodbye when he shut the door.

“I knew my Pittsburgh robots would need EMP guns, and since I was going to see them later today, I was pretty sure I’d get my money back.

“When I finally got over to the doctor’s office, the doctor wanted to put me in bed – he warned me about all the sugar I’d been eating, and I told him that I’d been at a big birthday party last night. He took pity on me and sent me on my way with a can of V8 vegetable juice. As I walked my sister home, I pointed to the helicopter-bot that had been following me around all morning.

“I had planned to help my mother make dinner, so I was home for an hour. She was going to make spaghetti, and these perfect veal cutlets. I quickly took a look outside the door and found that the helicopter-bots were gone.

"Everything was quiet until after dinner. My parents went out to a party, and my babysitter got wrapped up downstairs with some music on her earphones. I then heard a knock at the door, and it turned out to be two battle droids. Solozzo-bot's robots had finally tracked me down.

The one slender droid addressed the other one in a monotone voice. "That's her...let's get her."

"Roger, roger."

"I slammed the door in their face, and grabbed my EMP gun; I learned from watching "Star Wars: Episode One" that they were pretty useless as soldiers. As they kicked the door open, I shot both of them. They fell down in a blaze of electric current on the front porch. Then, out of nowhere, two droideka came rolling up in behind them. I went reaching for a powerful EMP blaster rifle that I had stashed away in a trombone case as they opened up and prepared to fire. 'You want to play rough?' I shouted. 'You want to play rough? Say hello to my little friend!'

"I had to fire several times to knock them out, as they were shielded, but they finally went down; their laser bolts made Mother's living room a mess, so I knew she was going to be angry – her plastic couch cover had holes burned into it. As I stood there with a spent energy cell, Smitty and URL from the police department came running up. 'Miss Tonya,' Smitty said, 'you are under arrest for the deactivation of Police Chief Hal O'Connor...and for wanton destruction of city property. And...whatever this mess is here.' All his robot buddy could say was, 'Ah, yeah...'


The Trial

The trial was really nerve-wracking. Bender was there in the back of the court room the whole time, disguised as a coffee machine. Some of the witnesses and jurors complained of tasting motor oil in there mocha, but nothing came of it. And, sitting at the back of the courtroom, were the DonBot, Joey Mousepad and Clamps.

Tonya was defended by the best attorney that money could buy - Hyper-Chicken.

"Your Honor," he said, 'I realize that I'm just a small town lawyer from a backwater planet, but this trial is what we like to call a shim-sham or a flim-flam. The evidence against this sweet young child is minimal at best. Why, it's hard for me to imagine that this gentle, beautiful girl could harm a fly...maybe a yellow-jacket, but only in self defense Your Honor. Ba-gock!!"

After Hyper-chicken was finished, it was the prosecution's turn to address the jury. Caleb "Stonewall" Jackson bore his eye into theirs with steely determination, and began his speech with only a slight Tennessee drawl.

"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, this back country lawyer as he calls himself would have you to believe that the defendant is an innocent child. I intend to prove to you that what we have sitting here is a candy-crazed, cold, calculating monster, from which no robot is safe." One of the jurors, a robot, let out a mechanical gasp. "This innocent child sitting here is guilty of the deactivation of the police chief, and at least half a dozen other androids. And she wantonly destroyed city property. When we're finished here today, there will be no more illusion as to what the real Tonya is. I have nothing further, Your Honor."

The trial drug on uneventfully, as no one in the restaurant wanted to be a witness as to what they saw. Finally, it came time to put Tonya herself on the stand. Her testimony was filled with the boring details of dance classes and singing lessons, of girl scout cookies and merit ribbons that she'd won. With her testimony, she was painted as nothing less than the sweet American child next door. When Hyper-Chicken was finished examining her, Prosecutor Jackson came up to the bench with a large, shiny metal object in his hands.

"Your Honor, I would like to admit into evidence this shiny pair of Brazilian Brass Buttocks."

The court room turned as a cup fell out of the coffee machine to the floor, and black coffee began pouring out of the dispensing slot. Several quarters then fell out of the machine.

Hyper-Chicken stood up. "Ba-gock!! You're Honor, I object in the strongest possible terms. I fail to see what a pair of shiny hindquarters has to do with this case."

"Over-ruled," the Judge said as he looked over at Jackson. "I hope you're going somewhere with this quickly."

"I am, Your Honor - this is quite relevant to the case." Jackson took the wrapper off of a piece of hard candy and put it in his mouth. "You'll excuse me, Your Honor; my throat is a bit dry." Jackson glanced over at Tonya with a wicked smile, who was now squirming in her seat.

Again the chicken stood up. "Objection! The prosecution is deliberately intimidating the witness - we are all well aware that Miss Tonya has a problem with sugar."

"Sustained. Mr. Jackson, will you please proceed."

He held up the metal buttocks. "Miss Tonya, you know what this is, don't you?"

She answered in her sugary-sweet innocent voice. "Uh...it looks like a hiney..."

The judge pounded his gavel after chuckles broke out in the court room.

He spoke to her in a gentle fatherly voice."Exactly...it's a hiney for a robot. This robot was very sad after you stole it from Planet Express because he had waited a long time for it. It was his pride and joy."

"Objection, Your Honor – is this child is being accused of theft now?"

“Sustained.”

"Your Honor," Jackson continued, "I want to show this courtroom Exhibit A, the security recording from Planet Express."

The greenish video appeared up on the screen in back of the judge. The entire court room looked over at Tonya as her voice joyfully sang out the song from "Annie." Hyper-Chicken covered his face with his feathers. As if the evidence wasn't damning enough, she ended her song with the words "Got your butt, Bender. Ha ha!"

Chicken interrupted again. "Your Honor...so she stole a robot part from a warehouse - that hardly counts as a felony…"

Jackson was now ready to put the nail in the coffin. "Your Honor, if it pleases the court, could we see Exhibit B?"

Chicken's jaw fell open. The fuzzy green video was replaced by one that was shot in the restaurant. "The court room will note that this was taken from the black box of Police Chief Hal O'Connor; this was the last thing he saw before his vicious deactivation.”

The entire court room gasped as the little girl squeezed the trigger of her weapon. The image quickly turned to snow as the robot’s circuitry fried out.

Jackson faced Tonya. "Why don't you tell us what really happened, little lady."

Red-faced, Tonya answered in an angry voice. "Do you want answers? Do…you…want…answers?"

"I want the truth!"

"You can't handle the truth!" She stood up. “I do one thing, and I do it really well – I dance. That’s all I ever wanted to do was to dance. And that pesky Bender ruined it all for me. Do I think he should die? I think he should burn in robot hell!”

The Robot Devil, sitting in the audience, smiled and gave a thumbs up in approval.

Hyper-Chicken looked like he could crawl under his table. In a shaky voice he said, “Your Honor, I move for a recess – the defendant has rights…”


During the recess Hyper-Chicken sternly looked at his client. “Miss Tonya…you realize that you are not only in a deep bowl of Brunswick stew, but you are up to your eyeballs in okra as well. You realize that the only hope you have is to turn in the DonBot and his thugs as the ones who put you up to all this.”

“I never roll over on my friends – I’m not a rat…”

“Friends, shmends – you are facing a long time in Baby Jail, little lady. No recess, no cartoons, and they only give you one twinkie a week. And no dancing. And you’ll probably be forced to join a kiddie gang. If you will just sell your friends out, I may be able to get you into the Robot Protection Program.”

When the trial resumed, Tonya was asked to identify her mobster accomplices; one by one she pointed them out.

When Tonya was led out of the courtroom, she briefly stopped by the coffee machine and tapped on its side. “Bender, I know you’re in there. The shoes for the butt.”

“Deal,” Bender told her.

The prosecutor greeted Hyper-Chicken as he strolled out of court. “See ya around campus, Hyper.”

“Likewise…”


“There we go,” the Professor announced, “I’ve got it bolted into place.”

Bender glanced in the mirror. “Hey…all the way from Brazil – and just look at it shine.”

Fry smiled with pride. “I had some Brasso polish leftover from our military service.”

“Hey Bender,” Amy said, “give it a try – bust a move for us with those new shiny cheeks of yours.”

A backfire from a truck on the street below made Bender whip is head around quickly.

Leela tried to reassure him. “Your mobster buddies are going to be in the Robot Supermax for quite some time; you shouldn’t have anything to worry about.”

“Yeah Big Boots, you’re probably right. Amy – hit the music.”

As Amy Wong turned on a ghetto blaster and started playing the Little Feat song "Representing the Mambo," Bender began moving his shiny new rear end around.

She knows what to say she knows how to mingle, she knows the lingoMuchachos we're here to see JohnnyRepresenting the mamboRepresenting the mambo... mambo... mambo oooh.. mambo”


It was a sunny day on Mars as Tonya happily tap-danced on a concrete basketball court with her shiny diamond shoes. “Anything I wanted was a phone call away,” said Tonya, “candy, ice cream, those caramels with the cream center – anything. We were like rock stars with muscle…everything was there for the taking, and now it’s all over. Today everything is different; there’s no action…I have to wait around like any other kid.”

Tonya’s mother called from inside the house. “Tonya dear, who are you talking to?”

“Nobody Mom…”

“Mrs. Jonson is going to swing by and pick you up for singing lessons.”

“Okay Mom.” She finished up her dance routine. “Now I’m an ordinary nobody…I have to live the rest of my life like an average schnook.”

Tonya sang as she began dancing again. The sun’ll come out tomorrow…

Buddies