Fan Fiction

I'm Just Happy to Be on TV
By Dwayne Anderson

Leela: Hi, I'm Turanga Leela, and I'm just happy to be on TV! I'm the new radio talk-show host, taking over for Morbo as he's out with his wife on their anniversary. Since I'm a mutant humanoid, he let me take over, since he wants to one day exterminate all humans. Before I begin, here are some words from our sponsor!

Sponsor: This show is brought to you by the new cereal, "Bomb's Away". Just pour in the milk, and listen as it goes Snap, Crackle, Bang! Back to you Leela.

Leela: Thank you, after all, I'm just happy to be on TV. Here on this show, I discuss the latest news, take some calls from our loyal fans, and read fan mail! Now on with the show!

(Leela begins to read from a paper.)

Leela: Our top story, Earth president Richard Nixon has called an election, hoping to appoint someone as his new Chief Executive as the previous one has retired. Two people are running in the election, they are Stan Quale, and Marvin Humphrey. Mr. Humphrey is currently campaigning in Washington. We go there live now!

(Marvin Humphrey appears, waving before an audience. In another car, passing through, is Mr. Quale. Marvin leans over and whispers something in his chaffleur's ear.)

Marvin: There's Stan Quale, Major League (BEEP)-hole.

(Cut back to Leela)

Leela: Our next story is pretty boring, so I'm not going to read it. (She crumples the paper and tosses it behind her. She picks up another.) I know some of you are complaining that it's a waste of paper, but who cares, cause I'm just happy to be on TV!

(She faces the camera again.)

Leela: Also in the news is Zapp Brannigan. (She crumples the paper and tosses it away.) In other news...Fox TV is still not producing any new episodes of "Futurama". Disappointed fans however believe a feature motion picture may be made.

(She picks up another paper.)

Leela: And finally, it's been quite a week for natural disasters. A tornado rocked Oklahoma City, a volcano erupted in Italy, a hurricane passed Hawaii, and Zapp Brannigan appeared on the front cover of Playboy magazine! We'll go on with the show after this commercial.

(Farnsworth appears on television)

Farnsworth: Hello, I'm Hurbert Farnsworth. Do you wish to see the most beautiful stars in the sky, and smell them too? Then order today, your very own Smell-o-scope! Some assembly required. Smell any star or planet today for only $399.99! While supplies last!

(Cut back to Leela)

Leela: And now for the next portion of the show, which I like to call...the Next Portion of the Show! I came up with that name myself! (chuckles) Now, I believe it's time to read mail from the fans.

(Someone hands her a small envelope)

Leela: It appears we're a bit short on the mail today.

(She opens the envelope and reads it)

Dear Leela, bite my shiny metal ass! Bender.

(Leela crumples the letter up and tosses it away.)

Leela: D (BEEP) that robot! Oops, did I just swear! I won't swear anymore, but it doesn't matter, because I'm just happy to be on TV! And now, it's time to take some calls!

(The phone rings)

Leela picks it up.

Leela: Hello, Turanga Leela speaking.

Male Voice: Leela, I need your help. I just found out my wife is cheating on me with my best friend. He's a travel agent. But I'm afraid to confront them.

Leela: Caller you must do it now. Confront her now.

Male Voice: OK, but not until I get back from my free trip to France.

Leela: Next Caller. Hello, Turanga Leela here.

Kif: Leela, this is Kif. I've got a bit of a problem.

Leela: What's wrong Kif?

Kif: Me and Amy are on our honeymoon, and I was wondering, what should I do? I mean, I know couples consumate their marriage on the first night of their marriage, but I'm an alien, and Amy's a human.

Leela: Well Kif, you may have a bit of a problem here. But hey, remember when you got pregnant from my DNA? When you and Amy do it, you could hold hands, but make sure you're not wearing any gloves.

Kif: Sounds good to me! Thanks Leela!

Leela: Next caller. Turanga Leela! May I be of service?

Female Voice: Hello Leela, I'm with my boyfriend in Hawaii. We used the hot tub recently, and boy we sure got frisky! He accidentally dropped a radio into the tub.

Leela: Lucky you weren't electrocuted.

Female Voice: Well actually it was the best time we ever had!

Leela: Tell me more about this guy you're with.

Female Voice: He's a travel agent. Recently he sent my husband on a free trip to France.

Leela: Uh...next caller!

Zapp Brannigan: Hello Leela!

Leela: Ugh! Next caller!

Morris: Hey Leela!

Leela: Dad?! What are you calling me for? I'm on television!

Morris: I know. Sit up, you're slouching!

Leela: Dad! You're embarrassing me! Next caller!

Female Voice: Why can't I find Amanda Hugnkiss?

Leela: What?

Female Voice: Can you help me find Amanda Hugnkiss?

(Leela slams down the phone.)

Leela: D (BEEP) those jokers! Uh...I didn't say D (BEEP)! (She slaps her mouth shut with both hands) Oops. (Uncovers her mouth) But it doesn't matter cause I'm just happy to be on TV! OK, we have time for one more caller.

(She picks up the phone)

Man's Voice: Leela!

Leela: Who is this?

Man's Voice: I'll give you a hint. I'm from the twentieth century, and you drive me wild!

Leela: Fry! how did you know I was here?

Fry: I can see you on television. How about blowing a kiss?

Leela: Not now Fry, I'm still on the air. I'll see you when I get back.

(She hangs up.)

Leela: And that's our show! Morbo will be back tomorrow, but it doesn't matter that I've had a short career on this show, because, you guessed it, I'm just happy to be on tv! Good night!


The End