Futurama

Fan Fiction

Haircuts, Teleporting, and Homicidal Snails part 1
By Smarty

-Opening credits-

Now with a 13,000% increase in mutations!

Scene: Planet Express. Fry and Bender sit on the couch. Bender has a beer and Fry has a Slurm. Bender flips through the channels and Fry occasionally sips his drink.

"This is the life, Bender," Fry starts, "A couch, TV, and this new, limited edition, Cherry Red Slurm with 200% more caffeine..."

"Yeah..." Bender agrees.

They sit in silence for a few seconds.

"This is boring." Fry states.

"Howa 'bout a haircut..." Bender suggests, "You DO need a new style."

"Yeah! And maybe Leela will like it...and she will finally go out with me!"

"Keep dreaming..." Bender mumbles.

Scene: Barber shop. The sign has a picture of a small light saber labeled Hairtrimmer 3000 and is labeled: Luke's Saber Cuts--No decapitations since last Tuesday! Bender and Fry come up to the shop.

"Well, Bender, when I come back out, I'll be a changed man..."

"It's just a haircut, dammit!"

"See you on the other side..." Fry says. He walks in.

"Just don't go overboard!" Bender yells.

Time lapse. Bender is outside tapping his footcup on the sidewalk. Camera shows Fry's face, not much hair is in the picture. Bender looks shocked.

"So, Bender," Fry says, "how do I look?"

Bender just gapes. He looks a little worried. "Um..." He starts, "Just phenomenal! Yeah, that..." Bender tries to stop himself from completely falling over from laughter.

"Let's go back and show everyone!" Fry says.

"Whatever you say..."

Cut to Planet Express lounge, where the crew is. Amy files her nails at the table while the Professor tinkers with the TV. Hermes, Leela, and Zoidberg impatiently wait for him to fix the TV.

Bender walks in, then leans back in the door to talk to Fry. "Do I have to do this?"

"Yes!" Fry answers. "Or no 50 dollars!"

Bender mumbles, then says quickly in a very unenthusiastic voice, "Now presenting, Fry's 'wonderful,' 'amazing' new look. Tremble at his 'handsomely' good looks..." Bender puts Wonderful, amazing, and handsomely in air quotes.

Fry walks in and the camera pans the room, showing Amy drop her nail file with a gape, and the Professor fix the TV by hitting it in response to his hair, and Zoidberg falls off the couch.

"Sweet llamas of the Bahamas!" Hermes exclaims.

"Spleesh, Fry!" Amy says.

"Oh, Fry!" Leela yells.

"Wha?" The Professor asks.

"Agh!" Zoidberg exclaims, "Oooh! TV!" He sits and watches.

"Isn't it great?" Fry asks. The camera zooms out to reveal his hairstyle. It is a huge afro with an authentic pick in it. He also had small sideburns. "The sideburns are too much, huh? They come off." He peels the phony side burns off and yelps.

"Fry, that is the most ridiculous-" Leela says, being interrupted by Bender.

"Most ridiculously awesome hairstyle ever!"

"Bender, it is horrible," she whispers.

"So? Let him love it. Have people laugh! It is FUNNY."

"Ah..." She agrees. "Well, with that, uh, good news, Fry...anything else new?"

"Actually-" Fry starts.

"Good new everyone!" the Professor blurts out, interrupting Fry.

"Couldn't you have waited 'til I fin-"

"No!" The Professor answers, interrupting again, "Anyway, I have made a new invention. Everyone follow me to my lab..."

Everyone shrugs and follows him out the door, although he walks so slow they pass him.

Scene: Farnsworth's lab. The crew is standing next to a rectangular table with a metal box in the center. The professor just makes it into the door and everyone groans.

"It'll take an hour for him to get here!" Amy complains.

"Hold on!" Bender says he runs over, takes the old professor and puts him at the table. Everyone cheers.

"What are you all doing here, dammit!" the senile old man states.

"The good news?" Hermes asks.

"Oh...right...oh! The box..." He says as he reaches for the metallic box. He punches a few numbers into the lock number pad and it opens. Everyone waits patiently to see the invention. "Here they are!" He holds up about 6 watches that had a large screen on them.

"What are dey?" Hermes asks with his thick Jamaican accent.

"I call them...Telewatches!"

"Oh...my...God...TV on a watch?! Gimme, gimme!!" Fry exclaims.

"No, dimwit!" The Professor yells, "they made that technology in 2438! These are teleportation devices!"

"Oh.." Fry sighs.

"What do we need these for, Professor?" Leela asks.

"Well, as you know, you almost get killed everyday by your many deliveries..."

The crew mumbles.

"Shush!" The Professor snaps, "These are for your very dangerous missions. Only use them in emergencies!"

"Would a trip to the liquor store count as an emergency?" Bender asks.

"NO! If you over use them, the results could prove fatal...oh my yes...fatal. It would be a shame if one of you...died!" The Professor pulls out a ray gun and everyone screams. He randomly points it at Leela and she attempts to hit him.

"Leela!" Fry says as he jumps in front of Leela, just in time for her to throw a punch, which landed in his gut. The Professor fires and it shoots in Fry's direction. Hermes calmly walks over to the crazy man and says, "Professor! You didn't take your homicidal pills today, did you?"

"Of course I did! Now move so I can shoot that annoying, waste of space lobster!

"Hey!" Zoidberg answers.

"Come wit me, Farnsworth."

"Wha?"

The crew is shaken up. Amy is under the table and Zoidberg is in the trash. Fry is in fetal position holding his stomach on the ground with Leela standing over him.

"Fry...I'm so sorry!" Leela apologizes, "I know you had good intentions for saving me, but maybe you should let me defend myself..."

"Ow...sure...I guess..."

"Um...Fry?" Leela starts.

"What..."

She points to her head. Fry touches his hair to find out his new hairstyle was destroyed by the Professor's wild shot, and it was back to normal, but with some smoke coming out of it.

"Noooooooo!"

"Fry-"

"I got it to impress you! Now you'll never like me..."

"Fry, no offense, but you wouldn't impress a gay mouse." Bender butts in.

"He's right," Leela adds.

Fry just mopes as he hears Zoidberg let out a whoop. "Friends! Come! Look at these! We shall use them, maybe?"

Everyone puts one on.

"I don't know..." Leela says. "Let's wait for a deliv-"

"Good new everyone!" The Professor blurts out. "I am not homicidal!"

"Yay!" Fry cheers.

"And on that note, you will get to go to the planet Z-X130, otherwise known as the planet of homicidal snails!"

The whole crew has their mouths open.

"But that is in the Doom Universe!" Leela exclaims, "We may not make it off, let alone there passing giant space monkeys and spaceship to spaceship salesmen!"

"Oh well!" The Professor says. He takes out a remote control that scoops up Amy, Fry, Leela, Bender, and Zoidberg in a giant butterfly net.

"Yay!" Zoidberg exclaims, "I get to go!" Just then, a trapdoor somehow appears and he falls out. "Aww...."

Scene: The deck of the Planet Express ship. Leela steers while Fry and Bender throws cards into Fry's shoe. Amy sits at the controls trying to fix a minor problem with the ac for the seat.

"Amy, you done yet?" Fry asks, "I wanna hog the AC."

"Spleesh, Fry! That's the 19th time you've asked! Lay OFF!"

"Geez, you don't have to go mood swing on me..."

Fry and Bender giggle. They continue to throw the cards. Fry misses, while Bender has a perfect stack in the shoe.

"Bender, how do you do that?"

"It is called, luck, me being great, and the PrecisioTarget software in my system."

"Robots get all the good cheats..."

"That's why they don't let us compete in archery or shooting at the Olympics."

"They wouldn't let me in either after that archery experiment."

"Yeah..." Bender says rubbing his behind, "My ass still hurts!"

They laugh and the scene cuts to Amy and Leela chatting.

"Look at them...such..." Leela starts.

"Men?"

"Exactly."

"So how is it between you and Fry, I mean after he pretty much blew you off for that bimbo."

"I was never jealous of you and Fry!"

"Huh?"

"Never mind..." Leela says. "But we haven't really talked a lot. He has been trying to make it up to me. A little "hero" act there, a little compliment here...even that ridiculous hairstyle."

"That was Stupid Age fashion gone stupider."

"Yeah, but he thought it was cool. And he did it to impress me. Or attempt to, at least."

"Yeah...hold on." She tightens a screw on the ac vent and the air flows. "Fry the ac is-AGGH!!"

Fry runs over to the chair putting his face in front of it,and in the process pushing Amy down. She mutters something in Chinese and walks over to the other side of the deck, whispering to Leela,"He sure has low awareness of others sometimes..."

"That's for sure..." Leela thinks.

Scene: Cargo hold of the ship. Fry and Bender try out their teleporters...

"You sure we should be doing this, Bender? I mean the Professor said these things could kill us, and the next time we use it it could kill us? What if we run out?"

"Eh, who cares. We always almost die and we always almost get out in time. Now to our cabin for some magazines and booze for Bender..." He pushes a button on his watch and he disappears. Fry gasps at the display. Bender soon returns with a stack of magazines and a 6-pack of beer in his chest cabinet. "Ahh.." he says, "What a relief not to walk..." He pulls out a small box and pushes a button, having it expand to a folding chair with the words "Bite my shiney metal ass!" on the back. He turns to Fry, "Can you go get me a TV?" Fry answers."Yeah!" He, like Bender, punches buttons into the watch and leaves. He comes back with the small television from their cabin.

Cut to deck. Leela and Amy are talking. An "incoming transmission" message appears on the screen. Leela presses some buttons and the Professor's head appears on screen. "Leela!"

"What?"

"I forgot to tell you that you can only use those teleportation devices 20 times before it poses a threat to you!"

"Ok, Professor!" Leela answers.

"Goodbye...." The Professor walks off screen. "Zoidberg, get out of my mutant fish tank!"

The screen goes blank.

"Ok..." Amy says.

"Well, we're here. We'd better tell the guys."

"I will..." Amy moans

"Thanks, Amy." Leela says.

Amy leaves the deck and Leela sighs. "More time to talk to myself..." Leela says.

"What am I going to do with Fry..." Leela starts. Just then, Fry teleports inside the deck, but is silent to hear Leela. "He is so immature sometimes. Ok, all the time. I know he means well, though. After that incident with Lars, I have some feelings for him...but obviously he didn't share the same for me seeing how he blew me off for...Colleen..."

Fry listens. And listens. He finally has enough and teleports to the outside of the door. He leans up against the sliding door and lets a tear roll down his cheek. "How could I have done that to her?" He whispers. "I finally get her to have feelings for me and I blew it by ignoring her and going out with another woman. I am a jerk sometimes...I-" Suddenly the door behind him slides open and Bender and Amy come out. Fry quickly wipes his face on his jacket sleeve.

"Fry, Bender told me that you were fooling around with the telewatches!"

"Uh-"

"Do you know you could've killed yourself?"

"But-"

"Shut up!" Amy snaps, "How many times have you used it?"

Fry bites his lip. "Uh...6."

"Oh...ok." Amy walks in the flight deck again with Bender behind her. Fry slowly follows.

"Actually, 3 times that number." He thinks.

"Leela-" Fry starts.

"Fry, no small talk," Leela says, "We need to deliver these banapples to the capitol and get the hell out of here!"

"Oh...ok." He says, disappointed.

"And by the way, Fry," Leela starts, "The Professor said we can only teleport 20 times."

Fry has his mouth open.

"You didn't waste them, did you?"

"No. I only teleported once." Fry lies.

"Good."

"I can't tell her the truth," Fry thinks, "She will kill me and call me irresponsible again. But I feel like I'm more immature and irresponsible by lying."

The foursome walk off the ship each carrying a backpack stuffed with banapples. They trudge onto the dirt ground heaving them.

"Who new apples crossbred with bananas could be so heavy!" Amy complains.

"I don't know why you meatbags are whining. These are so easy to carry." Bender says.

"Bender, can you carry them?"

He looks at them and thinks. "Ok," he agrees, "but it'll cost 20 bucks. Each."

They all mumble and press 20 dollar bills into his hand and give Bender the fruit. Then they enjoy the view. It looks like a mix of Amazonia and Kif's planet with a bit of Mars. The sky is green and the trees are 100s of feet high. Fry looks back at Leela while she looks up, but quickly looks away.

"Wow..." Leela says.

"Yeah," Fry answers, "Just like the giant redwood trees..."

"Fry, those trees were cut down to make Super Mega-WalMart. The last living one is ten times the size of these."

"Crud."

"Let's get moving." Amy says.

The foursome slowly tread across the terrain to a montage with the song "Colonel Bogey." They cross a log and Fry falls off but lands only 3 feet down. Bender drinks some alcohol and burps, making half the forest visible catch on fire. Them walking up a mountain and Fry trips rolling down. Fry running from mosquitoes. Leela kicking down a tree. Amy stops and says she broke a nail. They finally stop at some giant mushrooms.

"You know, we have been walking for hours and we still have not seen any snails willing to kill us...but a lot of logs, mountains, and mosquitoes do..." Fry says.

"Fry," Leela starts,"That is a good thing."

"Yeah, but I want to see them with little rocket packs and deadly ray guns coming at us at the 100s..."

"Pshh..." Amy says,"That isn't what happens!"

"How do you know, no one has ever come back alive or mentally healthy enough to tell what they look like." Bender says.

"Sweet, I could be right for once!" Fry exclaims. Leela stares at Fry. "What?" He looks behind him and sees hundreds of snails on jetpacks with ray guns coming at him. "Oh, crap."

Buddies