The Ice Cold Building
Fry was frozen a few seconds into the year 2000. Being a Futurma fan, you
should already know that. He was thawed out December 31st, 2999. A thousand years
into the future. Okay, not exactly one thousand years, but hey. Now, being a Futurama
fan, you should know the whole story. How he met Leela, Bender, and all that stuff.
But what about before all that? What about Leela before she met Fry? Well, here
it is - the full story.
Leela started out like any old person on this planet. No job. She needed a
good paying job. It was hard finding one because most of the people rejected her
because of her poor depth perception. She was desperate enough to try and compete
in the wrestling league - but they rejected her because she couldn't do The People's
Eyebrow. Ah well, she didn't really want to be in a sport where men in swimsuits
played with each other. She probably would have been made to strip in front of
Then she took a career assignment test. It said that the job she would be
best at was being a Cryogenic Counsellor. It doesn't take an Albert Einstein to
figure out what she did after that.
She started with the interview with her future boss.
"So, Miss Turunga Leela, is it?" he asked.
"Yes, that's what it says on the report," she replied.
"O.K then," he said. "You'll be glad to know that you don't
have to be able to see in 3-D to apply for this job."
"I don't see why you would need to see in 3-D for any jobs," Leela
"O.K, look, first of all, just because you have only one eye, doesn't
mean you cannot see. Do not expect sympathy on that one," he muttered back.
"And second of all, might I point out that you'd be useless at Pixar Animation
The rest of the interview seemed to go O.K. He asked a few questions, she
answered them correctly Well, there was the 'Look at this cube. What is the colour
of the right side?' question, but that was a joke.
After a while, he showed the Probulator.
"This is like a DNA test. You put the thawed out guys on this table and
press this button. It will take a DNA sample. It will show how many relatives
they have living," he explained.
"You mean this button?" Leela asked, pressing a yellow button. When
she pressed it, one of the arms shot some kind of laser at him, getting him in
- a certain place.
"Nope," he replied, on the floor, clutching his nads. "Not
A FEW DAYS LATER
LEELA'S FIRST THAWED-OUT-GUY
SOMETHING GOOD IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
"Weeeellllcommme to the wooorrld of tommmoooroow!!!" Terry yelled,
greeting some thawed out guy. I don't think I need to tell you that Terry is obsessed
with showmanship. I've no idea who the other guy beside him is, the one who looks
like the boss (who still goes un-named). Terry and the other guy led the man to
the Fate Assignment Chamber.
"Have a nice future," the other guy muttered.
The man walked into the chamber. Leela walked up to him. He saw the eye.
"Oh dear God, some sort of alien girl!" he yelled. Leela slapped
"Name?" she asked when he calmed down.
"Uh... um... Tony," he replied.
"Leela," she said. "If you would like to come this way..."
"Can I ask you a question?" Tony asked.
"You just did," Leela snapped. "Now strip naked and get on
"The machine over there that says 'Probulator'!" Leela answered
Extract from The Hitchhikers Guide To The Future:
About one thousand years from now, maybe in the year 3006, there will be all
sorts of weird machinery that will be able to do amazing things. You 24th Century
people won't know how they work. Or most of you, anyway. There is a a contrtaption
on the market called the Ps Untya, and most of you assholes still don't know how
to work them. Excuse my language, but I am making a point here. Most of you still
don't know how to work computers.
Why did I call the book whatever it's called anyway? Aren't I moreover slagging
off the 24th Century to guiding them?
The Probulator was one of those things. This was a guy from the 22nd Century,
so he wouldn't have read this book. He thought the Probulator was some sort of
photo developer. But he found out what it was doing after he asked why they were
photo developing his ass.
Leela was typing in all the info on Tony. His full name, his age, his blood-type
and the like. The job was 'Debt Boy'.
"All right!" Tony yelled. "I get chicks and score with them
Leela stared. She wasn't going into the backseat of this guy's car.
"O.K, you seem happy," Leela said. "I just need to implant
your career chip and we're done."
Any Futurama fan should know what will happen. She takes out the thingy, he
sees it, he runs, she runs, she shouts about her depth perception. Except with
this one, she got him. He didn't moan - it didn't seem like he felt any pain.
"Alright, that's it," Leela said. "Take a map from the exit
and go. Have a nice day."
A FEW WEEKS LATER
LANDS A DATE WITH SOME BOZO
THIS IS SURE TO BE BETTER THAN THE PART WITH TONY
DATES NAME: BART
(AND THAT'S NOT BART SiMPSON!!!)
Bart took Leela to Elzars. He said he wasn't rich, but he had enough money
to get her dinner at Elzar's (that basicly means he's rich).
"Let me see..." Bart said, looking up and down the menu, "I'll
have a Neptunian Slug."
"Yellow or Purple?" Elzar asked.
"Which one is the bad one?" Bart asked back.
"The yellow one," Elzar replied, shuffling his feet and looking
edgeways. People who have seen My Three Suns will know this has got to be good.
"Then I'll go with the Purple one," Bart replied back.
"I'll have the Plutonion Chicken," Leela said.
"And I will have your dinners served in no time!" Elzar said, walking
towards the kitchen.
This is a cue for a lame conversation, as Fry says no date would be complete
without. It was the usual 30th Century conversations - what blood type are you,
how were you born, what shoe size are you and how old are you. 'How old are you?'
is a question that should have been answered before you dated. You don't want
to go out with a guy or a lady and then find out that s/he is 20 years older or
30 seconds younger than you.
Eight minutes, 43 seconds and 16 mini - seconds later, Elzar came with the
"HAVE A NiCE MEAL!" he said. That's "have a nice meal"
in alien. It isn't posh and romantic like the French language, it was a bit nasty.
But the French forgot how to speak their own language in the 26 hundreds. Don't
be hard on them, they don't know any better.
I wanna make this bit quick, cuz the good part is coming up. They ate, they
talked, they coughed, they laughed, they paid the bill and all that. They drove
(yes, after a date they need a car to... make their evening complete) up to Makeout
Lane. That's up a hill. Bart prepared for this moment. He put pillows and blankets
and comfortable cushions at the back.
"Can I ask you something?" Bart asked.
"You just did," Leela replied.
"Is the backseat of a car good enough for you?"
"For... wink wink. Nudge nudge."
"Out of those four, I can only 'nudge nudge'."
"You know what I'm talking about, don'tcha?"
"No. But whatever it is, I've got a better idea..."
ROUND ONE! Normal rules apply. No biting, no breaking windows, always have
woman on top, never stop until your ex comes along. Or, in this case, not until
the diarrhea starts. But before that, we need the commentry.
Player BART gets ball, kicks around - he's moving those hips! Goal keeper
LEELA makes funny noises - grabs BART and swings hips. BART about to score. Ball
is about to release little balls - about to enter goal soom... soon... SOON...!
"AAAHH!!! My stomach!!!" Bart yelled, "My ass!!! AAAAAHHH!!
Need to go... LOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!"
"Bart," Leela said, brushing her hair back, "What's wrong?"
"AAAiiiYYYEEEE!!!" he yelled, before running out of the car, "i
NEED POTTY, OR LOO, OR TREE!!!"
Bart started running around like crazy - and ended up running off the hill.
He fell to his doom yelling "YOU CAN HAVE THE CAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!"
"But... but..." Leela muttered. "Ah... oh well, I get the car."
Well, I put two bits in there - Leela's first date that didn't end with one
dumping the other and how she got that nifty - looking car. She hasn't exactly
lost her virginity - yet. We know that she does in "Love Labour's Lost In
Space", but it didn't seem the event to be happy about. But what if it was?
I can see it all now.
IT'S THE 24TH OF JUNE! I DID IT WITH ZAPP BRANNIGAN A YEAR AGO!!! LET'S PART
But I'm not going to write about that yet. Maybe some other time.
A FEW MONTHS LATER.
WELL, ACTUALLY, IT'S A MONTH LATER.
LEELA ASKS HER BOSS OUT.
DON'T WORRY, NO DIARRHEA THIS TIME.
Leela plucked up the courage. She faced her boss.
Cue the Good, Bad, Ugly music.
"Sir," she muttered.
"Turunga," he said. He still goes un-named.
"Are you ready?"
"For what, exactly?"
"To go out with me?" Leela asked. Music drops.
"Oooh," the boss says. "Yes, well, sorry Leela. I must decline.
These office romances never work out. That's how I met my horrible wife!!!"
"Wife?" Leela exclaimed. "You're married?"
"Where's your ring? I didn't know you were married!"
"Well, my wife doesn't know I have a job," the boss with too many
Gods replied. "Now go thaw out that guy that's just frozen himself."
MY FRIEND GETS MONEY IN STRANGE WAYS...
My friend gets money in strange ways. What kind of strange ways? There's many
strange ways to make money. You can be a prossy, you could be a druggy, you could
be a car dealer. Leela is about to find out what kind of way her friend makes
The following may offend Swedish punks.
Leela had some girly friends. You know, ones that she can talk about clothes,
boys and Romeos, or Julios. They don't fit in the boys section. One was a Swedish
nutty called Yvonne. Leela was round her apartment (no-one in New New York lives
in a house, have you noticed?). They had Girls' Annually and Playgirl magazines
out across the bed. It was all "ooooh, look at those muscles!!!" and
"those biceps are sexy!!!" and "what is that dangling from his
"Hey, you wan to go Heep Join?" Yvonne asked.
"Sure," Leela replied. "I'll go get ready."
So they went. Men were flirting with both of them. Yvonne got more men flirting
with her because of Leelas face. It was the eye area.
The hours went by. They kept drinking and drinking. The drinks filled their
bodies and soon came that horrible moment of realisation.
"Yvonne," Leela said. "Yvonne - I think I've had too much."
"Oh, alvight," Yvonne replied, looking dizzy. She took her back
to the car, but Leela said that maybe they should take a cab. She agreed. They
were headed home - but Yvonne told the cabbie to pull up halfway there. She stuck
her head out the window and started chatting to a man. Leela heard the words 'looking',
'good', 'time' and 'sailor'. He got in the car with another guy. Then they went
to Yvonne's apartment.
When they got there, the men gave Yvonne and Leela some moolah. Then they...
well, you know the drill. You'll have guessed Yvonnes job by now. Yvonne went
with it. She and her man clambered onto the bed, not letting go of each other.
Leela wasn't so happy with what was going on. She slapped the man that was
trying it with her and ran off.
"I'm taking your money," she yelled as she went, "but you're
not gonna take my virginity!!!"
Extract from Freezing Your Nuts Off (ONLY BOYS NEED APPLY WiTH A TITLE LIKE
Stepping out of the tube
Be prepared. Anything could greet you. An alien, a robot, a nerd. Most people
might be fascinated in you because you are from [whatever year you are from],
but some people won't find this exciting. Be prepared. Just bear in mind that
you haven't taken a leak for [however long you have been frozen]. That's a long
time. You will need the bathroom as soon as you wake. Most of you will pee your
pants as soon as you thaw out. Which won't be good if you are been greeted by
some hot chick. Or a hot lady.
Unfortunatly for Leela, nobody seemed to bear any of this in mind. Any good
looking men took a leak in their pants and all the ugly losers - well, they were
the only ones who paid any attention to the book. They fell in love with Leela,
but they didn't have a chance with her.
Her friend and co-worker, Terry, was the weirdest person she ever met, or
that she had befriended at least. She found out how weird he was when they had
to stay in the Crogenics labs overnight for reasons unknown.
"Soooo," Terry said, "hoooooow about a game of truuuuuuth or
"Sure, why not," the other Hindu co-worker replied.
"Well, we're gonna need a bottle then," Leela pointed out.
"Suuuuuure, that part is eaaaaaassy!!!" Terry yelled. He walked
over to the tube that they used as a refrigerator, out a beer and started drinking.
He finished, then gurgled ( "GAAAARRRRLLLLGAAAAYYYAA!!!" ) and used
the bottle as the bottle.
Predictably, the bottle landed on Leela.
"Truthdaredoubledarelovetruthorpromise?" the Hindu guy asked.
"Whatwhatdoublewhatwhatwhatorwhat?" Leela asked back.
"Neeeeeeverrr miiind!" Terry yelled. "Wee daarre yoooou to
steeaaal the bossss'sss secret doooocuments !!!"
"Now!?" Leela exclaimed. "While he's in his office?"
"Yeeeess!!!" Terry replied. "Now goooooooo!!!"
TO BE CONTINUED........