Futurama

Fan Fiction

Just for Laughs
By Dwayne Anderson

Note from the author: This story is based on the "Red Green Show". Just like the real thing, this story is full of laughs.


The camera focuses and zooms in on a nineteen year old man with black hair and wearing glasses, along with a red and blue plaid shirt, pale brown pants, black shoes, and holding an electronic device. He's Harold, the host's nephew.

Harold: It's the new red green show!

The audience applauds.

Harold: And now, here's the man whose name is two colors of the rainbow, my uncle, Mr. Red Green!

The audience applauds as a middle aged man with a gray goatee on his chin, a blue and red plaid shirt, light brown overalls, black shoes, and a fishing cap, comes into the room. He waves at the audience. He's Red Green (played by Steve Smith).

Red Green: Thank you so much. We've got a great show for you all today. But first, I have some good news and some bad news.

Harold: What's the bad news?

Red Green: Meet my nephew Harold!

Everyone laughs.

Red Green: And the good news, we're having lots of special guests here on the show. They come from the distant future on the hit but cancelled comedy series "Futurama".

The audience applauds.

Harold: I really like that show!

Red Green: Who doesn't?

Harold: Obviously the FOX network.

Everyone in the audience laughs.

Harold: So uncle, what are all our guests going to do on this show?

Red Green: Well, some will get a chance to play the Possum Lodge Word Game for fabulous prizes, we've got the beaurocrat who will appear on our Expert portion of the show, the professor will help me out on Handyman Corner, and also they'll hang out with the cast. However, we'd better keep an eye on our beer, because their robot is an alcoholic. He also has a problem with his temper.

Harold: I guess that's what you call a `raging alcoholic'.

Everyone in the audience laughs.

Red Green: Alright, now let's get on with the show!


Harold: Ok, now it's time for our first round of the Possum Lodge Word Game. Our first guest is Zoidberg, the staff's doctor. We always say, "Save the best for last", so we went with Zoidberg first.

The audience laughs.

Harold: You all know how to play. Uncle Red, you've got thirty seconds to get our guest to say the secret word within thirty seconds. If they win, they receive a fabulous prize. In this case, it's a year's supply of anchovies.

Audience laughs.

Harold: And the word is...(he shows a blue card on a wooden stand without Zoidberg seeing. The card reads "Address").

Harold sets the card down on the table.

Harold: Thirty seconds! Begin!

Red Green: Alright Zoidberg, the place you call home.

Zoidberg: A dumpster.

Audience laughs.

Red Green: When you stay overnight at Planet Express, your co-workers let you stay at their...

Zoidberg: Dumpster.

More laughs from the audience.

Red Green: Where you come from.

Zoidberg: Decapodian 10.

Red Green: No no no, where you live.

Zoidberg: A dumpster.

Everyone laughs.

Red Green: Ok, remember when the cops arrested you for sleeping on the street? On the news, Morbo would say you were arrested at...

Zoidberg: No fixed address.

Red Green rings the bell as the audience cheers. Zoidberg whoops with excitement know he'll have a year's supply of anchovies.


The scene changes to Red Green and Harold sitting by a fire at night. Red Green is playing the guitar while Harold bangs on a gas can.

Red Green begins to sing a song.

Get your rods out boys, And let your sinkers fly, Set your hooks and wheelers, But be sure not to catch them in any part of your eye! I know we've had our fun, With cards, and jokes, and beer, But if I don't go home with at least one fish, My wife won't let me come back next year!

The audience laughs.


Red Green: Alright, this week on Handyman Corner, I have an assistant. Let me introduce Hubert Farnsworth!

The audience applauds as Farnsworth comes into the room.

Red Green: Today on Handyman Corner, we're going to build a microscope. All we need is a thoroughly washed salad bowl, a set of binoculars, a few pieces of hollow lead pipe, two magnifying glasses, and the Handyman's secret weapon: Duct Tape.

Farnsworth: Red Green, why build a microscope when I brought one here?

Red Green: 'Cause on Handyman Corner, we build stuff.

Farnsworth: Never mind.

Red Green: Alright, now, first we'll attack the pipes to the lens of the binoculars using the Handyman's secret weapon: Duct Tape.

Red Green takes out a roll of Duct Tape and pulls some off the roll. Farnsworth cuts the tape with scissors. Together, they attach the pipes to the lens.

Red Green: The next step is to take these two magnifying glasses and remove the lens from them. For this job, we'll need my electric saw.

While Farnsworth holds a magnifier in place, Red Green turns on the saw and tries to cut through the magnifier. Nothing happens.

Red: This is gonna take a little longer than we planned. So why don't you all come back later and we'll get back to the show.


Harold: It's time once again for the Possum Lodge Word Game. For the grand prize of two cases of beer and a set of jumper cables (audience laughs), Uncle Red, you've got thirty seconds to get Bender to say this word...

This time, the secret word is "Shiny". Harold places the card on the table so that it's not facing Bender.

Harold: Alright, and go!

Red Green: Alright Bender, when something is polished, then it's...

Bender: Something worth stealing.

The audience laughs.

Red Green: Jewels sparkle in the light. That's because they're...

Bender: Valuable.

Everyone in the audience laughs.

Red Green: In your eyes, the light of the sun is...

Bender: Very bright.

The audience giggles.

Red Green: A man puts turtle wax and lubricant on his car to make it more...

Bender: Good enough for me to steal it!

The audience laughs.

Red Green: These are the dumbest answers I've ever heard.

Bender: Hey, I agreed to play this stupid game to get the beer and juice from the cables! If you can't make it easier for me, you can bit my shiny metal...

But Bender is interupted by Red Green ringing the bell.

The audience laughs and applauds.

Bender punches his fists into the air.

Bender: Yes! I am the greatest!


Red Green is standing outside near a large pile of leaves.

Red Green: It's Poem Time. Allow me to read you this poem called "Life Is A River".

He clears his throat and begins to read: Life is like a river, Its course cannot be planned. You cruise along as far as you can, And in the end, you're probably damned.

The audience laughs.


Harold: It's Mail Call!

Harold rings a cowbell, reaches into a sack of letters and pulls one out. He begins to read the letter.

Dear Mr. Red Green.

My son is playing hockey. Should I worry about head injuries? Are they on the rise?

Harold: Here to answer this letter is Phillip J. Fry, the Planet Express delivery boy! Go for it Fry!

Fry: Are head injuries on the rise? No, not really. But one thing that is on the rise is head injuries!

The audience laughs.

Fry: Most head injuries are a result of people being injured in the head.

The audience laughs some more.

Harold: Fry, let me guess. You played hockey yourself when you were a kid?

Fry: No Harold. But I did play some hockey in my younger years.

The audience howls with laughter.


The scene changes to outside Possum Lodge.

Fry: Leela, have you seen Bender?

Leela: He's off with a convict named Mike Hammer, a dishonest car mechanic named Dougie Franklin, and Hat Shaugnessy, the world's biggest liar.

Fry: Bender hanging out with a convict, a dishonest car mechanic, and the world's biggest liar?

Leela: That's right. Any problem with that?

Fry: Not at all. He'll fit right in!

The audience laughs.


Red Green, Harold, and Amy come riding through the Lodge on a large go-cart. Red Green stops the cart.

Red Green: Alright, it's time for Autobiography where we discuss our favorite vehicles. Today, our guest is Amy Wong, who will be our next guest on the Possum Lodge Word Game.

Amy: My parents were very rich and they could afford to buy me anything, especially a brand new car. I remember my last car was bought from a robot who exploded whenever he was excited. I ended up going out with Fry on Mercury that night. We ran out of gas though, but while waiting for a tow truck, we found out we have alot in common. In the end however, we ended up breaking up just before Valentine's Day. Now, he's got the hots for Leela. And as for me, I'm with Kif.

Red Green: How many guys have you gone out with?

Amy: Almost a dozen. By the time me and Kif committed, I had already had intercourse with seven men.

The audience chuckles.

Red Green: So what did you and Kif commit?

Audience giggles.

Amy: Our relationship.

Red Green: When you said "commit", I thought you two were going on the wrong side of the law.

Audience laughs.

Red Green: While we're here, let's play the Possum Lodge Word Game.

Harold: The grand prize is a set of makeup and beauty products we made from tree sap. (Audience giggles) The word is...

He shows the card to the audience without Amy seeing. The card reads "Romantic"

Harold: And go!

Red Green: Alright Amy, sensual, passionate, poetic...

Amy: Kif Kroker.

The audience giggles.

Red Green: When Kif buys you flowers and writes poems, that's...

Amy: So thoughtful.

Red Green: When you're in your room, he turns out the lights, and you lock the door to make it more...

Amy: Difficult for my parents to know what we're doing?

Audience laughs.

Red Green: You fell for Kif because...

Amy: He admitted his love for me before Snu-Snu on planet Amazonia.

Red Green: If a man is very considerate, feeling, and respects the feelings of women, he is...

Amy: Gay?

The audiences laughs hysterically.

Harold: We're running out of time uncle Red.

Red Green thinks for a second.

And then...

Red Green: Kif Kroker.

Amy: Romantic!

Red Green rings the bell. The audience applauds.


Red Green is standing near a pile of leaves outside.

Red Green: It's poem time again. Here's a limerick:

There was a comedian who told lots of jokes, At night, he'd sit on the couch and drink coke, So good was his life, He named his car after his wife, Cause it's hard to start and it smokes.

The audience laughs.


At the Possum Lodge Ranger Tower, Ranger Gordon is keeping watch. With him is Fry.

Fry: You mean to tell me that you've been living here for sixteen years?

Gordon: Yeah.

Fry: Isn't bachelorhood great?

The audience laughs.

Gordon: Well, I do get kind of lonely. Still, I...

He accidentally knocks a can down the stairs.

Gordon: Oh no! My toilet!

The audience laughs as Gordon runs after it.

Fry: So when he's gotta go, he's really on the can.

The audience laughs some more.


Red Green: Welcome to Meet Your Member where we talk to guests about our lodge and meet new members. Here, I'm talking to Phillip J. Fry, a delivery boy from the twentieth century who was cyrogenetically frozen for a thousand years before being thawed out.

Fry: Nice to be here Red.

Red Green: So Fry, tell the audience about life in the thirty-first century. What do you do?

Fry: I work for Planet Express as their delivery boy, I watch television, drink slurm, hang out with Bender, and once in a while, I go to a movie. The last show I went to was "Attack of the Mutants, Part 9".

Red Green: And how did you find the movie?

Fry: How did I find it? Well, after I bought my ticket (audience laughs), I asked the usher where to go. He said the movie was playing in theatre number two. I'm supposed to look for the theatre with a big number 2 on a sign. Sometimes it's the word, not the number. But it's usually, the number cause that's easier to spell. (audience chuckles) Unfortunately, it was so dark, I accidentally went in theatre number six. So I ended up seeing "The Magnificent Nine", which was the sequel to Harold Zoid's "Magnificent Eight".

Red Green: One movie I really enjoyed in the theatres was "The Hurricane". And I really liked it.

Fry: I thought it sucked. (audience chuckles) I mean, like, there were no high winds (audience laughs), no flying cows (audience keeps laughing), and no ruined trailor parks. It was more like a boxing movie.

Red Green: My wife Bernice really liked Tom Hank's performance on "The Green Mile".

Fry: Yeah, I really enjoyed the part where he said, "Life is like a box of chocolates".

Audience chuckles.

Red Green: That's "Forrest Gump".

Fry: No, I'm pretty sure it's Tom Hanks!

Audience laughs.

Red Green: You were dropped on your head, weren't you?

The audience laughs.

Fry: Yeah.

The audience laughs harder.

Red Green: Alright now Fry, what do you like to watch on television where you live right now?

Fry: Well, I like to watch television reality shows. If something big happens, I watch the news. Everytime I go to the news channel, Morbo says that he'll one day obliterate the human race.

Fry turns to face the cameraman, who is Harold.

Fry: You can reach Morbo at his email address: morbo@iamnuts.com

Morbo's email address appears on the screen. The audience laughs hysterically.

Red Green: And that's it for Meet Your Member!

The audience applauds.


Red Green: Welcome back to "Handyman Corner". Me and Farnsworth have finally extracted the lens from the magnifiers with help from my trusty electric saw. Due to our effort, I'm gonna have to get the saw repaired. (Audience chuckles)

Farnsworth: You sure this will make a micropscope work? I brought my own.

Red Green: Why should I take a suggestion from an old geezer who goes to the toilet in his bedpan? (Audience laughs) Alright now, the next step is to attach the pipes to the binoculars. You can use glue, but I prefer the Handyman's secret weapon: Duct Tape.

He takes out a roll of Duct Tape and pulls some off.

Some time later...

Red Green: Alright, now that we got the pipes taped on, the next step is to attach the lens from the magnifiers to the other ends of the pipes.

Red Green takes the lens and puts them onto the opposite end of the pipes.

Red Green: This time, we're gonna glue them on.

Some more time passes...

Red Green: Alright! Now we've got us a homemade microscope. Now you're probably asking me: What's the salad bowl for? Well, a good question deserves a good answer. Unfortunately I don't have one. (Audience laughs)

Farnsworth: How about to store the samples?

Red Green: Ok! So now we're going to take something we want to view under our homemade microscope, and put it into the salad bowl. (He picks up a stalk of rhubarb. The audience giggles as he tears off a piece and puts it into the salad bowel.) Alright, now let's give our homemade microscope a try!

Red Green peers into the binoculars at the rhubarb.

Red Green: It's all green and red. Apparently this microscope we built isn't working as we had hoped, but we can use it as an advanced binoculars. Ranger Gordon can use them to spot distant fires.

Farnsworth: Should I bring out my microscope?

Red Green: Bring it out professor! And that's it for Handyman Corner. Until next time, remember, if the women don't find you handsome, they should at least find you handy!

The audience applauds.


Red Green is sitting at a desk writing something by the light of a lamp.

Red Green: I wanna talk to all you married guys about coming home to your wife. You spent much of the day golfing, or even hanging out with your friends drinking beer. (Audience giggles) She'll ask why you couldn't make it to her cousin's wedding, or her father's funeral, or other family events. Although you can tell the truth, this will only result in her getting mad. Or you can lie and tell her that you couldn't make it because you were having a family event of your own. I find that it's better to lie to your wife than telling the truth in these situations. After all, there's more time between the lie you tell, and when she finds out the truth. (audience laughs) By then, she'll probably have forgotten all about it. But if she doesn't, well, at least you tried (audience laughs). It's not smart or correct, it's just one of the things that makes us what we are. (Audience laughs) So remember, I'm pulling for you. We're all in this together.

The audience applauds.


Harold is sitting on an oil drum reading a classifed ad.

Harold: For sale, a set of drums. My wife is making me sell them cause I was banging them more than I was her. (The audience laughs)


Red Green and Harold are sitting by the campfire. Red Green is playing the guitar, and Harold is banging on a gas can.

Red Green begins to sing.

There are so many things your head can do, It can see, think, feel, talk, and smell. Your head is the part of your body you use most, Cause it does so many things so well. Use your head wisely, always take care of it, And you can never go wrong. But if you find yourself banging it against the wall for hours on end, That's a pretty good chance you've been married a little bit too long.

The audience laughs.


Harold: Time for yet another round of the Possum Lodge Word Game. Our guest is Zapp Brannigan, the captain of DOOP, or Democratic Order Of Planets.

Red Green: And Harold, you're a DOOFUS! (audience laughs)

Harold: For the grand prize of two weeks with a stripper from this week's bachelor party (audience laughs), the word is:

Harold holds up a blue card reading "Trust". He sets it down on the table

Harold: Go!

Red Green: Alright Zapp. In god we...?

Zapp: Fear.

The audience chuckles.

Red Green: Dependability.

Zapp: Made in China.

The audience giggles.

Red Green: Kif is your assistant. You what him?

Zapp: Make fun of him, laugh at him...

The audience laughs.

Red Green: You give him all kinds of jobs to do because...?

Zapp: I want him out of my face!

The audience laughs.

Red Green: Alright Zapp, when you give Kif a job to do, and he messes up, what do you say?

Zapp: Kif! I trusted you!

Red Green rings the bell.

Harold: Right on!


A black and white movie is being played.

Red Green speaks offscreen.

"Time now for Adventures With Bill. Here, we see Harold and Kif Kroker standing on a grassy meadow waiting for Bill to show up. (A goofy guy with glasses shows up) Here he is! It's Bill! Today, Bill is going to show us how to roast marshmellows. He's brought up some fire wood. (Bill drops the wood. It lands on Harold's shoe. The audience laughs as Harold hops around clutching his shoe) Bill has also brought a package of marshmellows and three sticks that will hold the marshmellows. Alright Bill, now light the fire, but be careful. (Bill lights a match out, but burns his finger. The audience laughs. Bill takes out another match and lights it. Then he drops it onto the pile of wood. Nothing happens.) Bill, try adding some paper to the wood. Harold, blow on it because fire needs oxygen to burn. Hopefully the fire will get Harold in the face! (audience laughs. Bill adds some paper to the wood while Harold gets down and blows on it. The fire grows a little bigger.) Wait! I think Bill has gotten an idea. (Bill runs off as Kif begins to blow on the fire to help Harold. Harold comes back shortly with a can of gasoline.) Bill, I don't think that's such a good idea, but you know Bill, he always has to try something new and dangerous. He must have been dropped on his head alot when he was a baby. (audience laughs. Bill opens the gasoline can) Watch it Bill! Don't put on too much! (Bill pours some gasoline on. There's an explosion, sending Bill flying backwards. The audience laughs. Harold and Kif come out of their hiding places. Bill gets up and picks up the package of marshmellows. Each of them are roasted.) Well, at least now the marshmellow's are cooked, so I guess it wasn't all for naught. (Harold, Kif, and Bill begin to eat) Good old Bill."


Harold is reading another classified ad.

Harold: Wanted. Personel to work as real estate agent. Honesty is not required.

The audience laughs. * * * * *

Red Green is standing by a river, reading a poem.

Fingers are handy, You must understand, You can do more things with them, Than you can count on one hand, Work with them, point with them, Pick with them, or scratch, But give a big guy the finger, And you may not get it back!

The audience laughs hysterically.


Harold: Time for our final round of the Possum Lodge Word Game. Our guest is Turanga Leela, the one-eyed captain of the Planet Express ship. For the grand prize of our homemade Hair Gel for her and her boyfriend Fry (audience giggles), the word is...

He holds up a blue card reading "Sensitive". He sets it down on the table.

Harold: Thirty seconds! And begin!

Red Green: Alright Leela. Aware.

Leela: Sober?

The audience chuckles.

Red Green: Touchy.

Leela: Feely.

The audience giggles.

Red Green: Touchy feely.

Leela: Fry.

The audience laughs.

Red Green: Compared to you when you were young, your friend Amy was more...

Leela: Overweight! (Watch Teenage Mutant Leela's Hurdles for details)

The audience goes wild with laughs.

Red Green: Compared to men, women are more...

Leela: Weepy.

The audience chuckles.

Red Green: Amy notices things more, because she's...

Leela: Picky!

Red Green shakes his head as the audience laughs.

Red Green: Leela, a guy would never say mean stuff to you because...?

Leela thinks for a second and then...

Leela: Castration?

The audience laughs hysterically. Even Harold is laughing.

Harold: You're running out of time uncle Red.

Red Green: Ok Leela, of all the guys you've ever hung out with, Fry is the most...

Leela: Senstive?

Everyone cheers as Red Green rings the bell.


Red Green is standing in a snowdrift reading another poem.

This morning I shaved, but I cut my waist, The doc patched me up to put a smile on my face. And I said to myself while eating cheese and crackers, Never again would I shave with a weed whacker!

The audience laughs.


Harold: Welcome to the Expert Portion of the show that deals with those three words men have such difficulty saying.

Audience: I don't know!

Harold: Here on the Expert portion of the show, we have my uncle Red Green, and Hermes, the Planet Express Beaurocrat. This letter comes from Fredericton, New Brunswick. It says...

"Dear Experts,

"I am currently looking for a job and writing my resume. What should I all write about?"

Hermes: Well first of all, list your education, skills, experience, and your references. Always be truthful. Never lie.

Red Green: Unless if you're going into federal politics. (Audience giggles) Then, it's perfectly acceptable to lie. (Audience laughs some more)

Harold: I disagree. You should never put together a resume like that.

Red Green: Harold, if your parents knew what they were doing, they wouldn't have put you together either!

The audience laughs harder than they ever have during the show.


Red Green: To all those from Futurama who came, let me thank you for giving us a great show today!

Fry: Thanks Red.

Red Green: How would you all like to come down and have a big party with me and the other guys?

Leela: We'd love to!

Red Green: Great!

Suddenly, the sound of a possum squeal is heard, again and again.

Harold: It's meeting time uncle Red!

Red Green: You go on ahead Harold. I'll be down in a minute or two. After the meeting, we'll have a party with our Futurama crew.

Harold and the Futurama crew go downstairs.

Red Green: If my wife is watching, I'll be coming straight home after the meeting, and since we've had the crew from Futurama here, I should get every episode on tape. So I may be on the television more than usual. (Audience laughs) And to everyone out there, until next time, on behalf of myself, Harold, and the rest of the gang up here at Possum Lodge, keep your stick on the ice!

The audience applauds as Red Green waves goodbye and goes downstairs to join the others.

 

The End

Buddies