Chapter 1 - Meeting Lazarus
After returning from a delivery to the desert planet Arid 4 to deliver a vast
quantity of salt, Fry felt extremely thirsty from this long journey, therefore
thought he'd go to the kitchen and get a can of Slurm from the refrigerator, but
once he got there, he saw something, something foul enough to make him drop the
can he was drinking from. "ARRRGGHHHH! My Slurm! No, I mean... urgh!"
The rest of the crew came running in, wondering if Fry had lost his lottery
ticket or something, but instead saw an awful sight before them. There were unattached
arms, legs and a head lying around the floor, with other parts in the sink's waste
disposal unit, while Cubert stared back at them, seemingly not bothered.
"My God, you've... you've killed the professor!" Leela screamed,
eye wide open, ready to burst. "And you've done it in the kitchen, where
we have to eat!"
The teenager just laughed back, in his arrogant fashion. "You fools! You
have no idea that this is the greatest thing since Fry rediscovered the wheel."
However, the crew weren't listening, as they had finally found a good excuse
to beat the living daylights out of him, as they all felt he was an obnoxious,
repugnant brat anyway. Besides, he'd just murdered one of their closest friends...
the one who paid them!
While they enjoyed themselves punching, kicking and pulling Cubert's hair out,
they suddenly heard a noise, as if somebody was coming out of the lab. As the
whole crew were in the kitchen, including the dismembered professor, there shouldn't
really be anybody else there.
They stopped beating the cowering brat, and looked at each other uneasily.
However, Leela decided it was up to her to do the dirty work, yet again, so she
picked up a cleaver and walked out of the kitchen towards the lab. She slowly
approached the lab, but heard someone in the lounge, so she stopped outside, readied
herself, with weapon in hand.
Inside the lounge stood a young, orange-haired man pouring coffee for himself.
He actually looked a bit like Fry, although better looking.
"Hello... you're back already!" said the orange-haired Fry look-a-like, who
also sported a pair of glasses. "Ah, seeing that cleaver's in your hand can
only mean you're going to make a roast dinner... yummy!"
Leela ignored that absurd remark and called to the rest of the crew to join
her: "Come out of the kitchen, and bring that bastard cone with you... dead
or alive!" She then barked at the mystery man, "And, you can shut the
As Fry, with the rest, dragged the bruised up clone out by his hair into the
lounge, he stopped in his tracks, noticing the strange, young intruder. After
gawking at the man for a while, thinking as hard as his tiny mind could possibly
manage, Fry finally came up with a solution of his own. "Oh wow! Are you another
one of my long lost nephews?"
The man, who was also wearing the prof's white coat, decided to reveal his
identity to the curious crew. "Oh my, no. It's me, Professor Farnsworth! Don't
any of you recognize me?"
"You can't be the professor," replied Bender, as he poked Cubert's
face with his arm. "After all, we found this little monster chopping up Farnsworth's
brittle, old body and about to stick him down the waste disposal. Why'd you think
we got to beat the shit out've 'im."
"Yeah!" agreed Fry, as he continued to pull out clumps of Cubert's
hair with his fingers."Besides, you don't look anything like the professor.
For a start, you've got hair."
The others agreed, as absolutely nobody noticed even the slightest resemblance
at all to Farnsworth, apart from the white coat and thick spectacles he was wearing.
The young man removed his specs. "Oh, fiddlesticks! These lenses have become
far too strong for me, I'm just gonna have to get them seen to." He then smiled
whilst examining his glasses. "Oh my, yes... I can see much better now!"
Escaping from the grasp of Fry, Cubert ran straight to the man. "Save me from
these morons, Dad! Tell them what's happened... just don't use big words, it'll
hurt their brains more than they hurt me!"
"You better explain yourself, and quick... because Cubert has a date with
my blernsball bat," Leela responded, staring menacingly at the shaking brat
clinging to "Dad".
As the rest of the crew glowered at Cubert, the young man began to explain
more: "Cubert and myself have been working on something top secret inside
the laboratory. I've actually been working on it for a couple of decades now,
but Cubert and I have finally completed it.
"My new invention didn't just change my old self into a new, much younger
self, but also added other more attractive features to me. For a start, I'm now
much better looking than the Farnsworth you probably remember - more like somebody
you'd see in film clips - and I also have an amazing physique, unlike my previous
self, who's always been a wimp."
"OK, if you're the professor, how much do you pay us?" interrupted Bender,
trying to cause the intruder to slip up.
"I pay you? Oh my... no... that can't be right!" stuttered the orange-haired
mystery guy. "When did slaves... I mean employees... get paid? I know my
"Yeah, that's the bastard cheapskate," Bender sighed disappointedly."You're
a lucky clone, you freak! Next time, we'll be quicker in getting the job done."
This made Cubert grab harder onto the professor.
Fry interrupted Bender's taunting, "Come on, out with it, you old croonie,
anything else that you're not telling us about?"
Standing up straight, with Cubert hiding behind him still clutching, the "new"
professor hardly looked like an old croonie, he looked much more like a
young dude, with his little brother by his side. "Oh my, I almost forgot... thank
you for reminding me, Fry. If you all come into the laboratory, I'll show you
the long awaited invention; I know you must be dying to see it."
The curious crew followed Farnsworth out of the lounge and into the laboratory,
each one of them as eager as the next to see his "new invention".
When they all had entered, the professor made a swift, sharp gesture with his
arm, pointing his finger towards two seven foot high chambers, standing side by
side in the middle of his lab, connected by masses and masses of wires and pipes.
"Everybody... my new invention! My kaleidoscopic youth machine! I decided it
was a little too long a name for me to keep repeating over and over again, so
as it's a youth machine, and helps one to stay as young as they want, therefore
live as long as they please... I decided to name my invention Lazarus,
after the man who wanted to live forever."
Leela began to study the two giant chambers with great interest. She found
a dial on the door of one of the chambers, which had several multicoloured numbers
printed around it ranging from 20 to 200. "You gonna show us how it works, Professor?"
curiously asked Leela, still fondling Lazarus.
"Oh, sweet Zombie Jesus!" screamed the angry professor, completely panic-stricken,
as soon as he noticed her. He was terrified that something fragile or explosive
might suddenly go BANG! He ran over and slapped her hands off his invention, continuing
to yell at her with angry disapproval, "Don't touch that, or it might go off!"
"I'm sorry, Professor," she apologized. "I was just wondering what all these
numbers around this dial were for, and how Lazarus changes an old person into
a young person.... It just sounds so impossible, that's all."
Since most of his crew seemed to have extremely curious faces to match their
extremely confused minds, Farnsworth decided to introduce his machine to them
a little further. "Well, if you're all patient and have the time, I'll explain
how you, too, even after you've already gained the natural wear and tear of ageing,
can reverse the clock like me!"
Most of the crew, in particularly Amy, who wanted to know the secret to keeping
her good looks forever, were eager to find out more, therefore, even if they didn't
originally have the time to stay and listen to Farnsworth's explanation, they
began changing their plans for the day there and then in order to make time.
Amy picked up her cellphone, from what seemed to be inside her cleavage - a
little trick she'd learnt from Mom. She then punched out one of her many lovers'
phone numbers, and began to twist the boyfriend on the other end of the line around
her little finger. "Sorry Kif," she squeaked, "I have to cancel our dinner date
tonight. A fantastic new beauty treatment's just come up... and it's taking place
for one night only."
The muffled, but desperately sounding, voice of her lover could be heard, trying
to arrange a new date with the woman he was crazy about. When he'd finished speaking,
she agreed to his plea for another date. "Next week's fine, Kif. Byyyeee!" She
then switched off her cellphone, and tucked it back comfortably down her bra,
then grabbed a vacant stool to join the rest of the crew.
They all sat around in a semicircle, staring at Farnsworth, as he began to
give a lecture about Lazarus; they had become all ears.
"This is the door that you enter," he explained, after opening the door of
the left chamber with the numbered dial fixed to it. "While this," he
then pointed to the second chamber to the right, "after all is done, is the
exit, so to speak."
"Errr, how can we go from one cubicle to the other?" asked Leela.
"If you want the toilet, then go, Leela. I'm not your mother. Damn you!"
Leela sighed and shrugged, allowing the professor to continue.
"Anyway, gather 'round, gather 'round, my young servants... I mean friends,"
the professor stuttered. "Tell me that I've done it again, that I've created yet
another outstanding, super invention, one to outsmart anything Wernstrom... Werrrrnnnstrom...
could ever think of!" The professor shuddered at the thought of his old rival,
then continued with his lecture.
The crew took a close look at the cubicles, taking a look inside the empty
"The dial that you were clumsily fiddling with on the chamber's door, Leela,
sets the different ages that one may choose to become, from the wrinkled older
age that they'd been," the professor explained.
"After one has chosen their preferred number of years on this chamber,
they get into it. Then a complex mixture of multicoloured gases appears takes
all the best parts of it's subject, and carries them through the next chamber
via these wires here connecting them. The complex gases in my machine, together
with the new younger gases from one's old self fix together to make a new you
in the second chamber, leaving your other self behind as waste in the first one;
it was my wasted previous body that you saw Cubert hacking up. Once the metamorphosis
has been completed, one doesn't just become the younger person they used to be
though, one becomes more!"
Farnsworth then stopped talking and eyed up the crew with a sneaky expression
on his face. He licked his lips, rubbing his hands together, then told them what
was on his mind. "Would you all like me to demonstrate? Maybe somebody would
like to volunteer. Please let me show you... otherwise you're all fired!"
Leela walked behind the lobster and pushed him forwards, towards the professor.
"Zoidberg'll do it!" she blurted, as she enthusiastically volunteered
the lobster for the job.
"Wha' whaaaaaa..." before Zoidberg could get a word out, the rest
of the crew helped Leela to thrust the crustacean into the first chamber to be
experimented on, as the professor locked the door shut.
"I'm going to twist the dial around now and change Zoidberg into exactly
the same age as I myself have become: twenty-years-old."
The professor then began his demonstration. He twisted the dial to the number
20, then just waited for something to happen; actually, the entire crew stood
there waiting to see what would happen.
Both cubicles rattled and roared, vibrating wildly as they shook tumultuously!
It shook so fiercely, that the crew were overcome with fear and guilt-stricken
minds as to what they'd volunteered their friend for. After about two minutes,
the noise gradually died down and finally stopped. The professor then announced
that the process had been completed.
After opening the second chamber, as sure as could be, a slim, muscle-bound
lobster that could pass for twenty stumbled out. The crew all stared in amazement...
even Amy was impressed as she studied the lobster closely!
"Mmm... you look good enough to eat, but I wouldn't want the smell of
fish to ruin my bed sheets."
Zoidberg sighed, though not too disappointed as he didn't really go for humans
Fry walked up to the first chamber and began to stare into it, he saw a continuous
circulation of bright, kaleidoscopic colours that just kept twirling round and
round inside the machine... even after it had stopped. He also noticed that the
young creature that had just stumbled out the other chamber had left behind most
of its now dead body.
Fry, puzzled, asked, "So, we now dispose of Zoidberg's body down the
waste disposal unit?"
"My, yes," the professor replied. "A gruesome, terrible job...
Bender then interrupted, "I have a devious scheme, one so foul that it
will make me rich! If you give him to me, I'll sell his body to a delicatessen
or restaurant at a low price? So, you get rid of this rotten body, and I make
some money; everyone's happy then."
Fry scratched his head, still totally confused about how the machine worked.
"I don't understand, how can something that looks like a piece of junk be so amazing?"
The professor felt he'd described the workings of his invention simple enough
for any dumb idiot to understand. He'd even given them a demonstration of how
it worked. Besides, he certainly didn't want to give the entire lecture again
from the beginning. However, judging by the way the others in the room groaned
at Fry's confusion, it seemed that they had fully understood, so the need to re-explain
wasn't really necessary.
"Shut up, Fry, you idiot!" blurted out Leela, who seemed to understand everything
thoroughly. "What on earth did the professor do to deserve you?"
Fry started shoe-gazing, as he stood there ashamed at being the only member
of the crew who'd hardly understood a word of the professor's Lazarus lecture.
Amy ran to the door where the dial was, she seemed extremely impressed with
the prof's work for once in her life. After all, if she was going to use Lazarus
later on in her life, she would have to know exactly where and what all the bits
and bobs went and did. She pointed at the numbers on the dial and squeaked cheerfully,
"So, this is the part that makes you beautiful again." She was very interested
in just this one invention, for it would give her endless young, handsome hunks
knocking at her door till kingdom come.
The professor looked straight at Amy, pleasantly surprised with her own understanding.
"Oh deary me, how is it that you understand and a member of my own family doesn't?"
asked the curious professor, who stood there addressing her with a puzzled look
on his face. "What seriously could have gone wrong down the line?"
As he began to talk to himself continuously about what a misfit his great
uncle was, he just couldn't understand what could've happened to him. Why didn't
he fit in with the rest of the brainboxes belonging to his family. Fry's
mind just continued to puzzle Farnsworth, ever since the man from the 20th century
Leela decided to comfort the professor, as she seemed to know what he was thinking
about, as did most of the crew. "Don't worry yourself sick about Fry... he probably
just banged his head a little on the hard side when he hit that cryogenics cubicle.
I suppose it just destroyed most of his thinking cells, that's all."
Fry groaned with displeasure at the continuous taunts at his IQ, wondering
when will it ever relent.
Hermes cut in angrily, urging everybody to continue the previous subject, as
he had to get home fast. "For Heaven's sake, can everybody hurry up wit dis ting,
or we'll be here all night. I need ma sleep ya know, and de wife's gonna kill
me if I don't get home for mi dinner!"
The crew thought that Young Zoidberg would be happy with his younger self,
yet he seemed to be in tears. "But I want to be useful. I want to be a magnificent
doctor and be recognized by the population for being a genius."
The giant lobster snatched the handkerchief sticking out of Farnsworth's top
pocket - a useful invention from before Fry's time, which could be used to wipe
a doctor's brow, protect an old man's head from sunburn, and wipe away a lobster's
tears when it was clearly obvious that he was in deep distress.
"What use could the world possibly have for me if this machine of yours is
ever made public?"
Bender interjected, "Well, you could be useful for a shrimp salad... especially
now that you're young and fresh!"
Zoidberg sighed at this mocking, he could never seem to reply in kind.
"I wouldn't worry too much, Dr Zoidberg, that's impossible," assured Leela.
"After all, people will always need doctors for sick notes and addictive
medication. Besides, nobody would even begin a duplicate of the machine without
the plans. I'm sure the professor's hidden the plans and blueprints someplace
where nobody'll ever find them." She then turned to face Farnsworth. "Right,
"Oh my, no," replied the professor. "In answer to your first question, nothing
is impossible, so Zoidberg could always remain useless, and in answer to the other
one... what was it again?" Although many of his brain cells had been rejuvenated,
Farnsworth's mind still hadn't fully reached the peak age that he'd become. He
would have to wait at least a week to notice the complete change.
"The blueprints, Professor?" Leela repeated.
Zoidberg hoped that the professor had locked them up somewhere safe and secure,
for if he hadn't, then the lobster would have to take drastic action while everybody
was sleeping: sneak into the professor's lab to find and eat them.
"Oh yes... I remember now... you wanted to know where they were kept. Well,
I'm afraid I've got bad news for you. As I have a tendency to fall into absent
mindedness, I firstly put my plans on a computer disk, but afterwards I began
to feel that some greedy little shit like Wernstrom... Werrrnnnstrom!... might
try to steal them, therefore I hid them in Cubert's brain for safety. I did what
I had to do: put all the blueprints on a tiny metal microchip, then I inserted
it inside the little boy's head, via quick brain surgery."
The brat sniggered at the crew, "He-he-he, and none of you can have it
either! So there!" He continued to smirk and titter happily to himself, in his
usual irritating manner; as vulgar to them as he always was.
Chapter 2 - New Scientist
After finishing his lecture, Farnsworth had sent his crew home, while Cubert
and himself remained behind. The professor's mind was going to be completely different
in several days, therefore his metamorphosis was actually still in progress.
Cubert agreed to stay with Farnsworth all day and all night, writing down all
the changes in him, as he knew that at the end of it all he should get something
worth having out of it: a present worth having, like a hover car for his 13th
In the middle of the night, Cubert felt thirsty, so decided to get up for a
refreshing drink. However, when he got to the kitchen and opened the refrigerator,
all he found was several cans of Slurm belonging to Fry.
"Hmmm... I suppose I'm too thirsty to be choosy."
While slouching on one of the chairs inside the kitchen, he put his feet up
over the top of the table in front of him, kicking over a half-empty paper coffee
cup; so what, he'd been working all day long in that lab, and he needed a break
Just as he thought he'd reached his own little sanctuary, daydreaming about
a giant 13th birthday cake for him alone, when his dreams were spoilt by the professor
Farnsworth noticed that Cubert was in the process of slurping down a cold
can of Slurm, so he grabbed one for himself and sat down beside him. He then joined
his son by slouching into his chair and putting his feet up on the table, sitting
back on the two hind legs of his chair.
"You've never sat down to drink a Slurm before," remarked Cubert. "You're
usually drinking something like tea or coffee?"
"I know... isn't it great!" replied the grinning, and now young, scientist.
"You know, you may have inherited some of the disgusting habits of that
idle layabout, Fry."
"Oh Cubert, lighten up. Maybe there's more to life than being an intelligent
inventor... that's why I invented this machine. Ironic, eh?"
"Hmmm... I don't think your brains or memories have been affected... but your
habits have certainly changed. Maybe I'd better write this up in my notes before
I forget," stated the young boy-genius, before running off to get his note book.
When he came back, the professor told him something else that he wanted written:
"I actually feel as young as a 20-year-old!"
"Well, we did turn the dial to twenty," said the clone, sarcastically.
Farnsworth seemed pretty cheerful, considering. "Oh my, you are becoming older
and wiser, my dear Cubert. Maybe when we get back to work in the lab tomorrow
morning, we can begin attempting to finish another one of my unfinished
"With any luck, I won't become an eccentric, mad scientist like you,"
Cubert responded. "Thinking about it somehow makes me feel mad already!"
The professor laughed. "That's somewhere in the near future, but for now, though,
both of us should go to bed and get some sleep, for we have a big day ahead of
Early in the morning, when they'd awoken, the last thing on Farnsworth's mind
was to do another invention. His metamorphosis seemed to have circulated much
further through his system overnight, and therefore his mind and bodily functions
had gone through a number of quite impressive changes.
The professor then went to Fry's cabin and began a search for a particular,
special something. He'd seen his uncle bring that girlie magazine into his room,
just after it had swapped hands with Bender, who'd stolen it for him - at Fry's
own request, of course. Finally, after searching all the cupboards and draws,
as well as any other nooks and crannies, he found it under Fry's pillow. He then
remained inside Fry's cabin, gawking through the pages in secret; after all, he
couldn't let his son know that he was getting a buzz looking at pictures of naked
ladies. It was as if, even at the tender age of twenty, Hubert Farnsworth had
become not just much younger and better looking than he was at one-hundred-and-sixty,
he'd also become much hornier... just like Fry.
He couldn't sit in Fry's cabin reading his uncle's magazine forever, after
all, the crew will be here soon, and the prof had to return it before they started
work. He therefore decided to go out shopping to buy a copy or two for his own
consumption. He could also look for some brand new, trendy outfits to replace
his previous geriatric look, and also buy some crazy outfits for his other
little mad scientist at the same time.
After arriving at a shopping district in NNY via the tube system, he discovered
how much fun it was just to keep popping in and out from shop to shop, spending
money freely to acquire the latest look. He bought dozens of multicoloured
shirts, shorts, fluorescent coloured jeans, and patterned T-shirts - all in the
modern new look for the year. He even swapped his slippers for a decent pair of
trainers, and his doctor's coat for a black leather jacket with a million zips
all over it. He also purchased similar clothing for Cubert, who was awaiting the
big spender to return.
Just before finishing his shopping, he went and bought the latest hover sports
car, which he used to transport himself and his shopping back. It seemed as if
the prof had everything. But, for him, there was still something that wasn't quite
right, something that was missing to match his new look.
After returning, Farnsworth told Hermes to allow the crew to go home early,
as it was the last day of the week. So after the crew had finished all their deliveries,
the prof''s words were echoed by Hermes, who also left at a similar time.
Having the Weekend off, it meant there was still enough time left for the professor
to fill in the missing piece of his jigsaw: he wanted a slick hairdo to go with
the rest of his "sexy thing" look. While visiting the barber,
he was told that women loved a tall, dark and handsome man, which was a problem
because he was ginger-haired! He looked through the barber's catalogue of hairstyles
and chose, to the barber's dismay, the style of Pierce Brosnan's head's, and had
it done... in ginger.
As soon as Fry and Bender left Planet Express on Friday evening, they decided
to go for a stroll in the park that they passed everyday on the way home to their
robot's apartment, but just had never thought of going inside before.
It was quite relaxing at first, just walking about staring at females of their
own kind walking their dogs, but later turned sour when one of the dogs, a pitt-bull
terrier, chased them to exhaustion.
However, after the dog had gotten bored with them, they found sanctuary at
the other end of the park, finding a bench to rest on and get their breath back.
Whilst sitting on the park bench, they both couldn't help doing what was one of
their favourite pastimes: gossiping about the goings on of their work colleagues.
Bender began, in his usual vulgar way, "Hey Fry, the professor looks just like
you, without his spec's on... now that he's become young, redheaded and ugly,
"Are you saying I'm ugly?" yelled Fry, as he believed himself to be a fantastic
"Oh, don't worry, you're not the ugliest human I've ever seen... you're the second, after that ugly little Cubert clone."
Bender was just being nasty for fun, so in return, his best friend began to
whack him over his shiny metal head with a newspaper he'd found on the park bench...
just for fun of course.
As they were playfighting, a sly male voice suddenly came from behind them,
"Did I hear one of you two mention that the professor has become young again,
with an entire head of red hair?"
It was Walt, the eldest and bossiest of Mom's loyal sons. His other two brothers,
the fair-haired Larry, to his right, and the scarlet-haired Igner, to his left,
stood either side of him in that unforgettable line up.
The sneaky mummy's boy, Walt, took a step forward from his centre position.
"Let me rephrase my question," Walt stared hard into Bender's binocular shaped
eyes and slyly put his question straight to Bender's face, "If you want to be
Mommy's very favourite robot, to be loved forever and ever by her, then
I suggest you tell us what's going on. If you don't tell us, forever may
"You see, if Farnsworth has gotten younger, then so can Mom... and she'll
be very interested in that, might I assure you. She's very old and may
die soon." It was here that Igner started to cry at the thought of his mother
dying, resulting in Walt slapping him quiet. "Anything that can keep her
young will keep her alive for longer... which means more love for you, my dear
friend. So, tell us what the professor is up to, or suffer the blame and consequences
at Mommy's funeral."
Fry and Bender sat on the bench, staring at each other in silence. They both
knew that what Walt was asking for were the plans to the top secret invention.
Although Fry could see that the darkest sort of blackmail seemed to be taking
place, Bender seemed to be struck down by guilt. He couldn't be responsible for
murdering Mom, as he loved her more than he loved anybody else in the entire
Walt cut in again, "Just think about it. If you love her as much as she loves
you, you'll come and see her tomorrow... I'll tell her she may expect you."
Afterwards, the three brothers left to go back and tell their evil, conniving
mother that the robot should come and see her during the weekend, after
their devious little talk.
As Bender sat on the park bench, he already seemed to have already made his
mind up to side with his "mother" in order to save her life. Fry, himself,
couldn't see how it was even worth a second thought, therefore he wondered what
on earth could have come over his friend. Why couldn't he see what was on the
other side of the coin of this dilemma? He therefore began to argue frantically
with Bender over their different compromising positions on the situation that
"You're not actually thinking of going, are you?" he shrieked, after all, he'd
never actually thought that his best friend would even consider something like
Bender sat there blankly. "And why not?"
"But what about the professor's secret, you tin head?" yelled Fry to his metallic
"Yeah, what about the professor's secret, you empty head!" blurted back
Bender sarcastically, who didn't particularly care that much at all for anyone
or anything other than himself... or his mother.
"I can't believe you're saying this!" came Fry's return.
Soon, this disagreement became a row. The two friends could feel a lot of tension
growing between them, and began a loud and lengthy debate on what was the right
thing to do.
As they sat there on the park bench arguing, Bender decided to try and get
his friend to see his side of the argument. "Tell me, Fry, if you were still
in your own time and a crazy serial killer was holding your mother to ransom in
return for just one lousy secret, wouldn't you snitch, too?"
Fry stopped yelling at Bender and tried to think about what the robot had just
put forward. At first, he tried to remember any old memories that he still had
of his mother. She wasn't particularly that bright, but one of the better things
about her was that she had thick, shiny, orange hair, just like his own. He thought
he'd use this common feature as the basis of his mental picture of his mother.
He saw her as a big orange button, to match the colour of her hair. She sat next
to a multicoloured button, which represented the amazing, kaleidoscopic secret,
never to be told. The two buttons sat on a large computer, with just one problem:
one had to be disposed of. But, which one?
If he'd still been living in the same time period as his mother and if he'd
been given the same ultimatum, he wondered what the consequences would have been
if he actually pressed the orange button down, to rid of her. Could he really
be so immoral and worthless, though, towards his own mother? What would his future
have been like? His father would have become so lonely and depressed, losing the
will to live without her, and finally committing suicide. He would then have been
left with his bullying, big brother,Yancy; to be blamed and tormented for the
death of both their parents, and who would probably ended up murdering Fry for
the trouble, then committing suicide himself, just to escape it all. The mechanical
man's feelings began to appear much clearer to Fry: why somebody would reveal
a lifesaving secret for the sake of their mother.
Fry stopped thinking, as it was now hurting his head, so he then decided he
would have to apologize to Bender for his insensitive point of view against the
robot's creator, Mom, who he "loved like pastrami".
As Fry lowered his tone of voice to a much calmer, more relaxed one, he began
his apology: "I'm so sorry, Bender, please forgive me for wanting to do your mother
in. I wasn't really thinking straight. Anyway, I shouldn't think that telling
a small secret about that large piece of junk could do that much harm. And even
if the worst did come to the worst, what is the worst that
could possibly happen?"
"Thanks, Fry. I knew you'd see it my way in the end," Bender answered, hugging
his buddy for his loyalty.
Fry suggested they left the park soon to go home and get some sleep for now,
as Bender had a big day ahead of him on Saturday. He then added, "We'll have to
also keep our little meeting with Mom's sons a secret, too, though, just between
you and me, 'cos if any of the others find out, God knows what they'd do to you!
I hate to say this, but now's the time to beware and wonder if that 'What If'
machine was telling the truth, when it said that Leela would microwave you
if you start wagging your tongue around."
Bender then remarked, in answer to Fry that he, too, was involved in their
little ordeal with Mommy's boys, "As my assistant in crime and hearing everything,
do you think that they'll do something wicked to you, too?"
Fry said nothing, he just looked at the robot quietly, as they both stood up
from the bench. Then, after a while, he then whispered into the robot's ear, "And
that's why the both of us have to keep really, really quiet about this entire
"OK!" agreed the robot. Then he hugged his comrade, before making it back home
to get some sleep for the next day.
Chapter 3 - Mother's Day
Bender lay on an operating table, somehow sweating oil from his forehead, looking
about nervously. He was strapped down, unable to move away from a horror that
seemed to be awaiting him. Suddenly, in stepped Mom, her three sons, Chewbacca
and The Osmonds, all carrying assorted surgical implements.
Bender started fretting, "I won't say anything... I'll be good and quiet...
please, don't do this to me and my shiny, metal ass!"
Fry looked on, unable to do anything, as he was inside a chamber, just like
Farnsworth's new invention. He banged on the glass, but nobody paid attention.
Mom snapped her fingers and the business began. The Osmonds started playing
on their medical instruments, while Chewbacca attempted to sing the Jerry Rafferty
song, "Stuck in the Middle with You".
Mom began dancing around the operating table, just like Mr Blonde in the film
Reservoir Dogs. She picked up a hacksaw that lay next to the table and
began playing with it suggestively. Then, in one movement, moved on the fearful
Bender and began sawing off his antenna, while laughing like a maniac.
Fry couldn't see what was going on, but he heard Bender's moans and sickening
squeals. Finally, he did see that Mom had "Little Bender" in her hands,
dangling from the jagged end.
"Hey, boys, he calls that an antenna!"
The three sons all laughed, causing Walt to get enraged that all were
laughing, so he slapped Larry.
Fry looked at Bender, who was crying in humiliation and pain. He put his hand
to the glass screen, trying to reach his buddy and help him in his torment, but
it was to no avail. Bender gave a scared look to Fry, one that would haunt his
human friend for a long time, a look of helplessness mixed with terror. Fry began
His tears flooded more when he noticed Mom and the three sons pouring petrol
on his buddy, while Chewbacca and The Osmonds continued to sing away. "NO...
DON'T DO THAT... HE'S MY FRIEND... TAKE ME INSTEAD!"
"Your time will come, carrot-top," responded Mom, as she began to
play with a lighter and lit a cigarette. She blew a smoke ring, and, while Fry
looked on, threw the lighter towards the screaming robot.
Fry jumped up, panting wildly, and in a deep sweat. He looked about, finally
realizing that he was in his apartment and in his messy bed. He fell back on his
pillow, working out that it was a vivid dream. Still, it left a bitter impression,
one that his friend could well be in danger from Mom herself. He had to tell Bender,
warn him... but first, some more sleep.
The next day, Saturday, Bender said "goodbye" to Fry as he left their
apartment to visit Mom. Fry was still in bed, but managed to remember his bad
dream involving his friend.
"Hey, don't go... you'll be in danger!"
Bender came back into the "closet". "What are you going on about
now? Mom and myself go back so many years... well four, but I'm her favourite."
"I had a bad dream and you were in it. Mom had imprisoned you and was
about to destroy you. There were The Osmonds and Chewbacca... and I think that
a smurf may have been in it, but I can't remember." He noticed that Bender
was getting impatient, so he tried to keep focused. "Are you sure you should
do this... some say Mom is quite evil?"
Bender gave out a gasp. "How dare you say that about my mother... and
anyway, what's wrong with being evil? I think you're being prejudiced, Fry...
or is it Adolf?"
"Oh, I know it sounds bad, but I'm just worried for you," fretted
Fry, while digging a finger in his ear. "And it's Fry, by the way."
"Oh, don't worry... I'll be fine. I'll even steal you some beer from her
fridge. Now, I'm off."
And with that, Bender left the building, leaving an anxious Fry in his wake.
In the meantime, the professor had turned up on a nearby beach to sunbathe.
The young Farnsworth was wearing a Chippendale style G-string, as he lay outstretched
on a giant beach towel with an imprinted picture of a voluptuous, naked lady over
the top of it. Cubert sat close by, building sandcastles, wearing a fluorescent
yellow pair of swimming shorts with crazy squiggles, zigzags, and all spots over
The prof had spotted, in the near distance, two nubile girls frolicking alongside
some geeky-looking guy building some large and elaborate sandcastle. He noticed
that they were the two young ladies that used to hang around the late Slurms MacKenzie.
"Hmmm... time to show my stuff, methinks."
He strutted down to where the three were playing and, quite deliberately, put
on some posing show with his new formed muscles. The girls gave him a few glances,
but continued to be more impressed by the geek instead.
The prof had to think fast or he would blow it. "I have an idea that's
so ironic and so satisfying... one that will make those years of beach torment
finally go." With a sudden movement, he began demolishing the castle, kicking
sand in the geek's face. "Take that, my past!"
The two girls looked up at the towering Farnsworth, their interest now gravitating
towards this new beach bully. The poor guy who was their past interest sat there
rubbing the sand from his eyes as he spluttered, "You can't do this to the
new Slurms MacKenzie!"
"Sorry, mister, but I think we have a new Slurms MacKenzie," one
of the girls squeaked, running up to Farnsworth and linking arms, as the other
soon followed suit. "Oooh, he's bulging with more than just biceps!"
"In your face... Wernstrom!" the professor shouted to the skies,
while the girls held onto him for dear life.
Farnsworth, later on that day, wanted to do some more "scientific"
exploration with his two new subjects. He asked the observing Cubert to leave
him be, as he had other things to do that night.
"But, Dad, I'm meant to be studying you... can't I stay?"
"What... you're not studying what I'm going to do tonight! Anyway, here's
some money to go buy yourself a wollipop." Farnsworth then gave him a patronizing
pat on the head and turned his attention back to his new found interests.
Cubert trudged off, grumbling to himself, leaving Farnsworth the privacy he
During the day, Bender had gotten dressed up in his finest blue velvet tie,
especially to go and visit his mother. He'd been walking about alone in the streets,
impatiently awaiting to see his mother. Other than a little petty theft here and
there, he'd been behaving pretty well compared to his normal standards, and hadn't
mentioned the dirty deed to anybody; just like his confident had asked him not
to. What the robot did do, though, was to phone Fry up on the cellphone which
he'd stolen on his way to Mom's place, to tell him that he was on his way.
Fry was still laying in his messy, untidy bed - if you could call it a bed
- whilst listening to Bender through the receiver, trying to get Fry to calm down.
Fry still felt worried for the robot, wondering what would happen to him if Farnsworth
should ever find out that his secret wasn't a secret anymore; and he was bound
to discover the truth one way or another! And, remembering his dream, he was also
worried what Mom and her three sons had in store for his metallic companion, for
she wasn't known for her benevolence, so he feared that Bender's life was in danger.
This he conveyed to his friend, but Bender just seemed to shrug it off, and hung-up
Fry picked up two stress balls sitting on the floor, on one side of his mattress,
and began to fiddle around with them, whilst hoping for his friend's safe return.
Deep down inside his heart, Fry had developed a special buddy relationship with
Bender, and therefore wasn't just afraid for his best friend's health, but also
afraid what would happen to himself if anything awful should happen to his metallic
Bender arrived at Mom's large robot factory at just before 9.30pm and rang
The shy, shaking, scarlet-haired, youngest brother, Igner, had been ordered
to open the door by Walt, his devious head brother. The loyal sons had been told
by their mother to bribe and interrogate Bender, in order to get him to tell her
what she wanted to know.
After showing Bender into the spooky corridors of Mom's residence, Igner joined
his brothers. Walt immediately stepped out of his central position to grumble
at the robot as soon as he set eyes on him. "Mom was expecting you much earlier,
where have you been? She will be very unhappy that you've kept her waiting all
day, just for you to get here!"
The shivering Igner always became terrified whenever his mother was thought
to be unhappy. "Oh my goodness, please don't say she'll try and take over the
world again, will she Walt?"
The incredibly shy Larry then whispered nervously, "Oh no, please don't annoy
her again, or who knows what she might do this time with that control in... her
After Walt had comforted his two terrified brothers that their mother wasn't
about to attempt to take over the world again, with a few helpful slaps to make
the point, the brothers reformed their typical line structure of Larry, Walt then
Igner. Then they began their journey of taking Bender to a very special room for
very important robots.
It was called the VIR room... the robots equivalent to a VIP room. It was especially
built for and run by a handful of Mom's most distinguished robots. Inside
this room, important metal beings were given tiptop treatment to
get them into peak condition, just before they got to their biggest and best treat
of all - visiting Mom.
Before his own personal treatment, Bender got to sip tequila with several robo-femmes,
until it was finally his turn to enter the robot beauty parlour of his pleasure.
For Bender, his tiptop treatment began with a bee's wax polish and shine, given
by his new femme friends, who kept applying wax and shining him up in places that
made him tickle like crazy and made his metallic body sparkle like a diamond ring.
He was then buffed up violently in a robo car wash buffer, just for that
extra little gleam against the sunlight, which finally completed his sprucing
up as a Very Important Robot.
When Bender walked out of the VIR room, the three brothers were awaiting him
outside, getting ready to spring another bribery surprise onto him. The Bender-bribing
was to get him to do anything that their mother was to propose to him later,
during his little visit with her. She then had ordered her sons to completely
fill up Bender's entire compartment with as much money that it could hold.
Walt was always ready to do as his mother asked of him, standing behind his
brothers, who were stacking Mom's money into Bender's body compartment, whilst
he himself watched closely from behind, checking that they were following his
orders to a T. He only took orders from his mother nowadays, therefore, as always,
the only work Walt really did was to use his head, ordering his brothers about.
Right here and now, though, he was observing everything they did like a hawk,
with his arms folded tightly, to match the evil look on his face and the sneaky
intentions in his black heart.
Mom's offspring then began taking Bender on the rest of his lengthy, fantastic
journey to finally visit the most significant person in his life. As the four
of them approached an extra-tall blue door, the robot guessed that his glittering
prize, to be with Mom, wouldn't be far from the taking. He'd guessed this, because
firstly, Mom's favourite colour was blue, which accounted for her wardrobe being
filled with nothing but blue dresses, hence a blue door, and secondly, she had
an extra tall, soft, grey blob on the top of her head that was just about the
right level to fit under the extra tall door that she could walk underneath comfortably,
hence its height.
As the foursome walked closer towards the imposing door, it had become crystal
clear to the robot that his guess was right: a hanging printed sign, which had
now become visible on the front of the door, simply had the three letters M.O.M.
written on it. As Mom was one of the hardest people in the Universe to get in
contact with, Bender felt honoured and relieved to have finally gotten to his
Walt knocked on the door to notify her of the arrival of their informant. "We've
brought the robot with the secret, Mom."
The old crow squawked and coughed as she called to meet the robot, "Send Bender
in to see me, I'd like to have a very private word with him." Mom was even more
eager and impatient to meet the robot than he was to meet her, for both her youth
and, even more importantly, her life were at stake.
On entering the room, Bender noticed two plush, blue armchairs facing each
other, with a circular mahogany table sitting in the centre, covered in layer
upon layer of the most delicious delicacies, treats and alcoholic goodies that
any robot would find scrumptious.
Mom sat back comfortably in one of the blue armchairs, as she invited her "toddler"
to come forward, take the chair opposite her, and spill the beans. She
watched the robot frozen by the door, hesitating nervously to come forward towards
such an honourable celebrity.
"What are you waiting for... Mother's Day!" she croaked out loud, trying to
encourage him to come and sit opposite her. She then lowered the tone of her voice
to a more relaxed type of croaking, "Stop standing there, and come and talk to
your dear mother."
After the robot had settled down and she had finally grasped his full attention,
Mom continued with her little scheme. "Now, Bender, my favourite bot, maybe we
can begin to talk more seriously together about the rest of Mommy's life. Remember
at the Robot Rebellion when I preached to you all that I wouldn't have
very long to live? Well, I really meant it."
She then poured him a full pint of strong rum, whilst attempting to win his
"Now listen closely to what I'm about to ask you... and if you love me
like you say you do, and will do absolutely anything for me, your answer will
From the moment the robot had entered the room, she had been using emotional
blackmail in her favour to lure him into carrying out her dirty little deed. "My
boys tell me that they overheard you gossiping to that redhead friend of yours,
saying something about Hubert, that he's invented something that's brought him
back to his youth... is this true?"
"Yes, Mommy... there's a machine in his lab, another of his crazy inventions!
He calls it Lazarus, after some ancient geezer that wanted to live forever."
"And is there any possible way that I could get my hands on the plans of this
amazing invention?" continued the evil old woman, urging the young robot to tell
her where the professor had hidden what she desperately wanted. "You do want to
help me, don't you... your dearly beloved mommy to also achieve eternal life?"
Bender felt completely helpless, for although he badly wanted his mother to
live till eternity, he knew that stealing the plans was impossible. There weren't
any plans to steal... except the ones hidden inside Cubert's brain. Therefore,
he told her about the insertion of the metal chip. "I'm really sorry, Mommy, but
Farnsworth implanted all the plans and blueprints into that ugly, little clone's
As Mom and Cubert had never met before, she had no idea who on earth the robot
was talking about, therefore enquired, about him, "Ugly little clone?"
"Yeah, he's another one of the professor's inventions, and I think he's
got a lot of affection for this clone, too. So, if you do as much as lay a finger
on him, he'll probably pay a hit-man to do an even more vicious deed to you. An
eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth... that sort of thing, you know."
Mom stopped silent for a minute, trying to think up a conniving little plan
of her own, without Farnsworth suspecting a thing. She sat in deep thought for
a few minutes, until finally, "PING", it came to her. With a
sneaky, mischievous smile written all over her face, Mom looked at the robot and
tried not to give too much of her evil plans away. "As I have no idea what young
Cubert looks like, could Bender be a real mommy's boy and bring him over for me
to take a closer look at."
Bender had agreed to her "closer look at" plans, despite sensing that
she wasn't being entirely honest with him. She was still his mother, and he'd
still do practically anything for her. Besides, he couldn't stand Cubert, therefore
would very willingly commit any dirty deed against him, even if it just meant
getting the brat back for his countless pranks and obnoxiousness. In the end of
the day, she needn't have bothered providing so many different motor oils, alcoholic
drinks and money for Bender, for he was very similar to her three sons: if she
told him to jump off the tallest building in the world, he would do so.
After the metal man had gone, Mom thought deeper about her plan to get her
away scot-free. She was a very intelligent woman, and should be able to think
of a plan before Bender arrived again with the key to her youth. For a start,
she was a qualified surgeon and scientist, therefore she didn't even have to kill
this "ugly little clone" to get the metal chip from his brain.
All she had to do was operate, take the chip out from its original position, stitch
Cubert's head back up, then send him back to the unsuspecting Farnsworth.
Chapter 4 Kidnapping - Cubert
When Bender had gotten back to his tiny apartment that Saturday night, he found
an upset roommate. Fry just grabbed onto his best friend, giving him a relieved
hug, hoping that nothing bad had happened to him, but the robot brushed aside
Fry's concerns, by telling him how "she treated me like a king" then
demanded that he be left alone to sleep for now. Fry, now happier than he was
earlier that day, let his knackered friend be and went to this own bed.
Whilst sleeping, Bender started to have what he considered as extremely amusing
dreams, one after the other. He dreamt that his mother was planning certain different
horrifying ordeals for the brat. In his dreams, an old witch turned up representing
Mom. She wore a long, blue dress and a tall, pointed, blue witches hat, which
sat on the top of her blue-tinted, tall, soft blob.
In his first dream, the witch stuck Cubert in her giant, black cauldron, made
plenty of witch's stew out of him, and ate him for her supper, out of her long
The same old witch appeared in his second dream. She stuck the little boy in
her freezer, and made enough orange-flavoured ice-lollies out of him, to lure
as much little children from the area back to her dark, spooky cave.
In his last dream, the witch simply finished the brat off by strapping Cubert
down to her electric chair to frazzle him before her eyes. It was a lot more entertaining
than that boring, repetitious TV!
The next morning, after Bender awoke, he began to have wicked fantasies about
the clone, wishing that his dreams had been real life, as he wanted Cubert to
be tortured gruesomely by the witch; maybe when he kidnapped the brat and brought
him to Mom's home, she might just finish the job properly.
The robot had awoken long before Fry, leaving the apartment whilst his friend
was still asleep. He then took the NNY tube straight to Planet Express. Although
he didn't work during the weekend, he had to find a way of getting Cubert away
from Hubert by the end of today - not just for the sake of his dying mother, but
himself too. He entered the building and headed towards the laboratory, where
he could hear their voices. The prof seemed to be trying to teach Cubert about
the birds and bees.
"... And after a minute of hard work, the man and the woman lie in bed
and talk about Space 1999. The end."
There was a snort and a sharp reply: "I know how a man and woman do it,
although I thought it was Dr Who that was the end conversation."
"No... it's certainly Space 1999. Hand's up who has made love....
See, I win!"
Bender sniggered to himself whilst he secretly listened, for he knew that it
was actually Blake's Seven that was the final topic of conversation. Still,
he couldn't correct them, especially since he was meant to be on a covert mission.
After a short talk, Bender seemed to hear footsteps coming towards the door,
therefore he hid behind a corner. Father and son both walked out of the door,
then the building, together talking about what a great time they were going to
have today. As Bender watched them from the window entering the prof's new trendy
hover car, it seemed to him that they were going towards the beach again, like
they had the day before, so he took the NNY tube to the beach, and just kept his
fingers crossed that his hunch was right.
On the previous night, the lover-man, Hubert Farnsworth, had promised he'd
give his two new devoted fans, Slurms MacKenzie's ex-babes, a ride in his
sports car... and he had never once broken his promises to anybody. Well, at least
anybody that counted.
Meanwhile, Cubert reluctantly did as he was told and remained at the beach,
building sandcastles for his own amusement, just so that he would not see anything
that he was a little too young to see.
As soon as Farnsworth had driven off with his two female friends, the dreaded
Bender was right there on the scene. He knew that this was the perfect time for
him to pounce on the urchin.
"Yo, Cubert," called Bender. Then he began to tease him, "What
ya doin' just sitting all on your own building sandcastles like a baby, just because
daddy wants you to?" Continuing his patronizing remarks, "Are you scared
to be a real man and do what real men do?"
Cubert felt angry at the accusation Bender was putting to him, so stood up
furiously in defence of himself. "I am not scared, you smelly, metal
dustbin. Besides, you can't talk about me being a kid, when you're only 4-years-old
"Well I may not have a wiener, but at least I have girlfriends; and I
may only be 4-years-old, but not only have I tasted alcohol before, I also get
drunk regularly. Do you?"
Cubert was lost for words. He just sat there, gloomy and in silence by his
Bender continued attempting to provoke Cubert, "See, you're just a little
baby, a little scardy-cat that's just too frightened to do things that grown men
do... unlike me, for example."
"I am not!" the clone hollered, trying to make his voice louder than
"Then prove it. Come to the liquor store with me, and we'll both get as
pissed as hell."
Cubert wanted the chance to act like an adult for once, and it seemed like
Bender was his big chance to escape from being treated like an infant. After all,
Cubert wanted to be seen by other adults like the young man he thought he was.
Besides, if Bender could drink so much alcohol at 4-years-old, then why couldn't
he when he was nearly a teenager... it just wasn't right! Sure, Bender was a robot
and he was human - two different machines - but, even so, it just seemed wrong
The robot took the youngster straight to the liquor store as promised, using
some of the money Mom had given him the day before to buy two bottles of good
quality whiskey: one for himself and the other for the curious adolescent, who
was unwittingly being lured to Mom's place. His plan was to get Cubert so drunk
that he wouldn't know what hit him. He wouldn't know what he was doing or where
he was going, unlike Bender himself, who gulped his drink down in barrels, just
to keep himself from getting sober.
They then found a park bench next to a pond with ducks and sat down. Bender
proposed a drinking game, one that might spur the youth onwards in the quest to
get him drunk. "Tell yer what, meatbag, why not make this more fun. How about
if we set each other mathematical questions, and if we fail to answer them, we
have to swig the bottle?"
Cubert looked at Bender with surprise. "You mean even nerds can have fun...
I just thought drinking was for the stupid masses?"
Bender, already bored with Cubert, decided to go first. "Shut up and answer
After thirty minutes, Cubert was wading in the pond chasing ducks, declaring
them to be his best mates, except for one duck that he declared to be the Adam
Sandler duck, one he despised.
Bender was trying to catch the clone, and was wondering if this plan was as
good as he hoped it would be.
"Damn you humans, why can't you behave like us robots! Come here! No,
don't leak fluid into their home. Ewwww!"
After catching and carrying Cubert out of his new-found "nest", Bender
noticed that he was now sound asleep, and put him in a new nest, his compartment.
Then, to the next part of his plan: bringing the boy to Mom's lair. The robot's
little scheme was finally making progress, as he managed to get Cubert all the
way to Mom's front door without any hassle. He rang the doorbell, as he did the
day before, and awaited one of Mom's three sons to answer.
It was the dominant brother, Walt, with a sly face and rugged voice like usual.
"You're early today, we were expecting you later. You could have at least warned
us that you were coming."
"I'm sorry, but I didn't know myself until about half-an-hour ago," apologized
"Oh, I suppose you're here now. Come on, bring him in!" Walt, then opened the
door fully and stood aside to let the two of them inside from the porch.
After having his fab dreams about what Mom had planned for Cubert, Bender,
in some way, still hoped for these fantasies to come true. Remembering how much
he hated the nauseating little monster, the robot handed the clone over to Walt
willingly, and walked out proudly.
After Bender left Cubert, he went back to his own apartment, telling Fry he'd
been to the liquor store to get himself some whiskey, the remains of which he
was still carrying. Whilst the two of them happily drunk the small amount left
in the whiskey bottle in the apartment blocks, the teenager was in another world
at Mom's place.
As Cubert was drunk and legless, Walt picked him up and tucked him neatly under
his arm. He walked back into his centre position with his brothers by his sides,
then they walked together down one of the many corridors inside their home until
they came to a large metal door. Behind this door was the operating table that
Mom had planned on doing the brain surgery on Cubert.
The brothers first prepared the intoxicated youngster for his operation by
cleaning him up and changing his wet and dirty clothes. As he'd again fallen unconscious,
he was laid down on the operating table, with all the tools and equipment Mom
needed to cut him open.
When Mom finally entered the surgery, all three sons stopped whatever they
were doing at the time and stood up straight, as if the queen had walked through
the room. To them, though, she was more beautiful, more important, and much, much
more intelligent than any queen that had ever existed. Oedipus would have been
She was dressed like a hospital surgeon in her protective blue clothing and
surgical gloves, as she gave a majestic stride of splendour towards the operating
table: she didn't want to be the queen of any one country anyway... after all,
one day she would be the queen of the Universe!
She gave the unconscious child an anaesthetic, so that he wouldn't wake up
during the brain surgery, then unwrapped her surgical tools which were sitting
on a small trolly next to the table. Looking straight at Walt, the most intelligent
of her three sons, she held out her hand in his direction. "Scalpel!"
she croaked at him: the operation on Cubert's brain had begun.
Hours went by behind the silent, closed door. The operation had begun with
the taking out of the original stitches Farnsworth had inserted, shaving a small
piece of his hair off to get to his head, then finally cutting him open and carefully
digging out the much wanted item. After taking the microchip from Cubert's brain,
Mom stitched him up again, and both her and her three sons, who assisted in the
operation, felt much happier now that they had the professor's secret in their
Mom's sons redressed and checked that their patient wasn't in a life-threatening
state, then dumped him on the streets of NNY. Cubert was drugged up and half asleep,
more-or-less in a stupor. He was so confused, he began to wander the big wide
world by himself, eventually getting himself lost.
Chapter 5 - Cubert's Return
On Monday morning, Cubert still hadn't returned home yet.
"Oh, Sweet Zombie Jesus! I called the cops last night, and they still haven't
found my little boy!" yelled Farnsworth, walking up and down the room, fuming.
He was hoping a randy female cop might turn up to investigate the matter, therefore
he wore his crazily patterned fluorescent yellow T shirt - the same design as
Cubert's swimming trunks, and to get her to really notice him, he put on an extra-tight
pair of shorts, to get her to search for his gun.
As the crew all sat round the lounge table, Bender wondered and hoped whether
any gruesome curse of some sort had come back to haunt Cubert for his past. He
sniggered to himself whilst he crossed his fingers under the table, wishing for
Suddenly, the doorbell rang, and young Farnsworth rushed to answer it in a
flash, where he found two police men standing there: no date for today, bang goes
the gun search! The two uniformed men didn't even have Cubert with them, either.
"Haven't you located my little angel yet?" grumbled the very angry, worried
"We found a 12-year-old boy joy riding in the streets of NNY in a stolen police
car this morning. He was barefoot and rather confused, so we took him around to
several other parents, who also had reported missing children of a similar age
and sex, but unfortunately he didn't seem to belong to any of them.
"If you can give us a correct description of the child we have in our
police car, then he's all yours. If not, then we'll pressgang him into the military,
who might find him of interest."
Farnsworth had seen Cubert yesterday morning, just before he disappeared, therefore
he could describe everything about him in perfect detail. "He's got bright-orange
hair, and last time I saw him, he was wearing swimming trunks with a design exactly
the same as this" he pointed at his T shirt. The prof then called Fry to
join him at the front door. Then, sticking one of his fingers directly onto Fry's
nose, pushing it upwards, he blurted, "My son looks exactly like this!" He hoped
that some sort of likeness could soon be established.
The policemen looked them both up and down and conferred with each other for
a couple of minutes, then decided that they both agreed on this matter: the child
in their car looked a little like both Farnsworth and Fry to them. Brothers in
the same family usually look-a-like, so the boy they found could be the son of
either of them. Besides, the father had also identified the only piece of clothing
the little boy in their car was wearing too.
One of the policemen walked back to their car and returned carrying Cubert
in his arms, all wrapped up in a thick, soft lamb's wool blanket to keep him warm.
Fry gave a groan of displeasure as he made his way back into the lounge to
pass the "bad" news back to the rest of the crew members. Bender was
the most displeased of all of them, though, cursing under his breath and giving
Nibbler an unwarranted kick when Leela wasn't looking.
The prof, though, was delighted by the safe return of his son. He grabbed Cubert
with great joy and began to smother him like a bear with hugs and kisses. "Where
were you? I was worried sick that you'd fallen into the sea and drowned yourself
Farnsworth then carried his son off to the bathroom, where he cleansed all
the blood from any open cuts on his body, covering the wounds in antiseptic. After
that, he put him to sleep, hoping that later in the week, when Cubert may have
recovered a little more, he may be willing to explain to them what had happened.
The next morning, Cubert had such a splitting headache from his alcohol-induced
hangover, that he had actually forgotten most of yesterday's main events.
Farnsworth walked into the clone's cabin, and sat onto the stool next to his
bed like last night. He then waited for him to say something about his ordeal.
"Well, is there anything you'd like to tell me?" he asked.
"I'm sorry," replied Cubert. "I don't remember much about what actually
happened. I have a few vague memories, though, of a man getting me drunk and abducting
me, but that's about it. "
Farnsworth didn't pursue his youngster any further, as he realized that all
sensitive matters like this one must take a little time before they're finally
Chapter 6 - Leela's Discovery
After being told by Farnsworth a couple of days later that Cubert suffered
a slight memory loss, Bender wondered how long it would be before the clone remembered
the truth and squeal on him. If the truth came out that the metal man had got
him drunk and given him to Mom for playing with, somebody was going to
give him a large kick in the butt.
It wasn't altogether unexpected that Cubert would squeal on him, for throughout
the time Bender had known the little brat, he'd always been very snotty to anybody
he seemed to come in contact with. This attitude problem of Cubert's was seen
at its fullest extent at Planet Express itself, as the little monster bullied
and intimidated every single crew member that happened to cross his path. Bender
was sure that once Cubert had his memory back, then he'd make up a ghastlier story
of his own, adding bits and pieces to the original as he went along to get his
own back against Mom's favourite.
It was Wednesday morning, and the employees at PE began to arrive one by one.
They made themselves coffee and breakfast, then sat in the lounge and awaited
their last colleague, Bender, to appear.
Fry remembered locking the closet door that morning, to stop Bender from stealing
his beer, and had left the sleeping robot standing there comfortably whilst he
left the apartment instead of coming to work together like usual.
Leela proposed that she ought to ring the robot up on his cellphone, in order
to check whether he was still at home or just late and on his way. Fry gave her
the number of Bender's new stolen cellphone, and she called up immediately to
see why the robot wasn't there yet.
In Bender's compartment, tucked behind all of the money he'd received from
Mom last Saturday, was his musical cellphone, newly programmed to play a favourite
classical signature tune of his, called "Money", by a 20th-century
band called the Beatles. After taking several stacks of dollars out of his compartment
and throwing them all over his apartment's floor, Bender was able to get his right-hand
digits through what was left of the money to reach his stolen cellphone before
the Beatles stopped singing.
"Hello, who is it?" he answered with a certain lack of enthusiasm.
The cyclops replied to the robot, who didn't seem to sound very well to her.
"Hi, Bender, it's me, Leela. I was just wondering why you haven't arrived yet?
After Fry told me he left you asleep, I thought you may have woken up late, but
listening to you, you sound really bleak, is there anything wrong?"
"Oh, Leela, I just feel so down, could you ask Fry if he could come home early
today, I haven't had a drop to drink since I left work yesterday, and he's locked
the closet door this morning so that I can't get to the fridge. I couldn't leave
home looking and feeling like I feel now, I just couldn't!"
Leela looked over at Fry, then raised her voice as she called over to him,
"Fry, you've locked Bender out of your room so he can't get into the refrigerator.
I think you'd better go home and let him drink something."
She put Bender on sick leave, and decided it would be a good idea if she tagged
along with Fry, just to make sure the robot hadn't gotten too glum. Besides, they
could all have a good chat and a few beers together; that'll cheer Bender up in
no time and get him back to normal.
She then turned back to the depressed metal man on the other side of the phone.
"I don't think the professor'll notice if you're not here for the day, he's hardly
ever here himself... usually locked up in that lab with Cubert. So, you just sit
tight until Fry and myself can get there. Byyee."
Leela's last sentence startled Fry's senses, immediately causing him to spurt
the coffee from his mouth onto Amy's cute, little face. The guilty young man was
stunned by the words "Fry and myself". He panicked when he realized
that Leela might find out the grim truth.
He shrieked abruptly, "Wha... what! You never told me you were
coming!" He then stuttered, "I... I... just... thought that...."
The slob then gave Amy a mucus covered handkerchief to wipe herself down with,
when she screeched loudly then threw it back at him in anger, swearing something
or another in Cantonese.
Leela interrupted, "Oh, don't think, Fry... it's not one of your strong
points. I invited myself, and besides, Bender didn't express any signs of wanting
to dissociate himself from me, so why are you?"
"For a start, I can't remember when I last cleaned the place. Ever since
I moved in, the place has gotten messier every day. I just don't think it's a
place for a lady, that's all."
"Oh, for God's sake, Fry, women have been cleaning up men's muck for centuries.
You don't think I'm going to faint at the sight of your dirty underwear, do you?"
Fry was trying his best to deter Leela from continuing her ploy of visiting
the robot, but the lady seemed so adamant with her intentions, causing Fry to
try again, "I... I haven't cleaned my underwear... and... something else...
but I can't remember... oh yes, I have some girlie posters hanging up and you'd
get offended... and... and...."
"Oh shut up, Fry, it's not as if I don't know that you're a slob, and
do you really think I've never seen a naked woman before!" she yelled, trying
to get him to zip-up. But the more he tried to stop her going, the more she wanted
to go. "You haven't done anything to Bender, have you? I mean, if you don't
want me to go tonight, you must be trying to hide something... what you've really
been doing to him perhaps?" Leela didn't really believe that Fry had done
anything to hurt the robot, but she did have a strange feeling that something
was going on behind her back to make Fry so jumpy.
She took charge of the situation by explaining to the rest of her crew what
she believed to be a fair explanation of the true reason for Bender's absence:
that he was very depressed, due to his lack of alcohol. She also told them that
Fry and herself would go and get him drunk and he'll be back tomorrow. She then
asked her colleagues not to say anything to the professor about this little incident.
Whilst on their way to see Bender, Leela noticed how Fry seemed so jumpy ever
since their phone call. She therefore decided to try and get him to talk to her
about what was bothering him somehow. "Do you feel glum because I invited
myself to your apartment without your consent?"
Still, Fry remained silent and gloomy, therefore Leela thought she'd try a
more understanding tone of voice." Is it Bender you're feeling sad about,
cos we're gonna meet him soon, so once we get him drunk again, we'll soon get
him back on his feet. I doubt very much that you feel depressed about that little
shit Cubert, cos he's always been a sarcastic little brat and would happily feed
you to the lions. Please tell me, Fry, what's bothering you?"
Fry then looked towards Leela, still with one of the most glum looks she'd
ever seen. "Why should I care about what happens to Cubert?" he then blurted out
grumpily, for as far as he was concerned, the "little shit" as
Leela so accurately described him, just happened to attempt his experience of
"adulthood" at the same time as Bender had gone to see Mom; it was just
a coincidence, that's all.
"Well, now that we've discovered what's not particularly bothering you,
perhaps we can get on with our journey. We've taken time off work for this trip,
so we might as well make it. If we take a little walk through the park, it'll
also leave you quite some time to pour your little heart out to me, and you can
tell me all about what actually is getting you so down."
Fry was a little reluctant to go with her, as he would've rather been alone
at a time like this, when he felt like a guilty traitor to the professor. Leela
forced him to go though, grabbing him by the arm and just pulling him straight
through the park gates.
Whilst walking through, she began to pester him again, this time on whether
he was hiding something from her. "Fry, you've had a frightened expression
on your face ever since I arranged our visit tonight... is there something I should
Fry just wanted her to stop interfering in his affairs, that's all. "No!"
he yelled into her face, "There's absolutely nothing you should know, and
as for my expression, well I always look like this, OK." Fry knew that she was
getting very suspicious, he could sense her evil eye prying him for a couple of
days now, ever since he and Bender had met Moms boys on the park bench. He therefore
continued eagerly at trying to shun her away.
Leela was getting increasingly impatient with him and started to lose her temper,
as she could tell he'd been purposely trying to get rid of her. "You know, you've
been acting real strange for days now, not just today. I seem to get the feeling
that either there's a big secret you're not telling me... or that you just don't
want me around!"
Fry couldn't contain himself any longer, and although he thought that Bender
would be the one to break first, it wasn't to be. The burden Fry was carrying
just became too heavy for him. He was sick of having to make up excuse after excuse
to hide the robot's awful secret, and his petty lies were running out. He didn't
know how much longer he could keep defending him, and it was driving him crazy.
He began to panic as he became overburdened by the constant interrogation
the Cyclops kept throwing at him, until he just spat them all out hastily and
hurriedly. "Oh, Leela, me and Bender have done something really bad, you've got
to help us. " He blurted it out so quickly, as if there were too many words for
the amount of seconds he had to tell his story.
She could see that he was in a terrible state. "Calm down, calm down."
Leela tried to get him to breath deeply. She thought he was telling her that
they'd been out on a course of theft again, therefore she tried to assure him
that, "Shoplifting is one of Bender's hobbies, he doesn't see it as a crime, you
"Oh, it's much worse than shoplifting, believe me," Fry replied. "That's
just a petty crime, this is a big one... a really big one. You see, last weekend,
Bender went to see Mom and snitched on the professor's Lazarus project. He phoned
me up last Saturday, on that new cellphone you called him on this morning, and
told me he was on his way there. I'm not sure exactly what he told her when he
got there, though."
"And how do you fit into all of this?" asked Leela shocked.
"I was there at the time when Bender made an agreement with Mom's three measly
sons, and I promised him that I'd keep it a secret. That makes me his assistant
in crime, doesn't it?"
Leela's concentration came back. She pulled at Fry's arm quickly halting him,
swinging him towards her. "It certainly should do! Why the hell didn't you
speak earlier about this? Don't you realize what a stupid thing you've done! I'm
really disappointed in you, Fry!"
Fry pulled his arm away and stared her right in the eye. "Of course I
should have said something... but I didn't... and I'm sorry about it, OK. Oh,
you wouldn't understand, you're, oh-so-perfect!" He stomped off, leaving
Leela stunned in his wake.
Fry marched off angrily, now in a dark mood and not really looking where he
was going. He absentmindedly stumbled over an electric model car that was being
played with by a child, which sent him flying straight to the ground, face first.
Leela ran over to the prostrate Fry, who was now cursing about kids in parks,
and bent down to see if he was OK. "Fry, how's your face? It took a hell
of a beating!" She could see that he was still much less physically hurt
than he was emotionally, and offered a helping hand. "Come on, let's get
He stood up, brushed himself down then rubbed his forefinger against his lips,
to see if they had been cut. They felt slightly sore, but he'd had worse. "See,
now this happens!" He then spotted the offending model car, which
was still intact. "And look, that stupid car doesn't even get a scratch...
I hate my life!"
The boy walked over, picked up his car, looked at Fry, then stuck out his tongue
and ran off. Leela giggled at this, which didn't endear Fry to her. "Oh,
ha ha... very funny!" Fry sneered bitterly, still feeling at his teeth, making
sure they weren't loose.
"Look, I'm sorry about earlier, let's try and keep our heads," pleaded
Leela. Fry nodded, still poking his fingers around inside his mouth. Leela then
continued, "Anyway, it's Bender's problem, not yours! Look, you better tell
me everything... and I mean everything this time, and I promise to try and be
Fry agreed, and as they walked through the park and several streets towards
Bender's apartment, Fry told Leela everything he knew; but only Bender knew absolutely
Meanwhile, the unsuspecting robot, who had fallen fast asleep waiting for his
friends to arrive, was still leaning against his wall snoozing, dreaming about
the lies he could get away with telling Leela without her guessing what he'd been
up to. In fact, it was the only reason he'd agreed to her accompanying Fry. He
felt that if he could make Leela believe a few great lies here and there, then
she may never ask about his problem again. He was very good at lying -it was one
of his favourite hobbies - and since he suspected that she knew nothing of his
weekend ordeal, he just imagined that he might get to put his hobby into practice.
After Leela and Fry had finally gotten to the front door, the delivery boy
stuck his key into the side of the door, and watched it slide open. The first
thing he saw was Bender, muttering sentence after sentence of his traitorous secret.
Leela stepped into the tiny apartment and began to violently shake the robot.
"Wake up, Bender, wake up!"
As he was waking up, he was still talking in his sleep. "I'm sorry, Professor,
please don't evacuate me down to Old New York for the rest of my life, evacuate
Fry instead, he at least likes it there."
When he'd half awoken, he noticed the Cyclops shaking him. "Wha...wha...
heelllpppp! A one-eyed monster's trying to eat me," he screamed, as he tried
to fight her away.
Finally, when he was fully awake, he realized who was standing in front of
him. "Oh Leela, I was having a terrible nightmare." He then grabbed
hold of her tightly. "Hold me."
As Leela put her arms around the robot, she spoke to him in a very "motherly"
tone of voice. "It's alright, I'm here now, I won't let any monsters hurt
Once Fry got inside, squeezing past the two entwined workmates, Fry told the
robot straight. "I'm sorry Bender, but I told Leela everything."
"Everything?" asked the curious robot, taking his arms from Leela, secretly
disposing her wallet into his compartment, then walking into the closet after
Fry. He stood there wondering just how much exactly did Fry know to tell
"Everything!" replied Fry.
Leela walked in after them, then interrupted, "I certainly don't know everything,
but I'm pretty sure that none of the crew, and that includes both Fry and myself,
were really sure why you went missing so soon after Cubert's abduction - you can't
stand the sight of the little turd, so I'm guessing you're the one responsible."
"And what gives you that idea?" replied Bender, wondering if it was
that obvious that he had an even bigger secret than the one that his two friends
knew about, and just walked vainly and confidently towards the mattress on the
floor (Fry's bed) which lay in the middle of the giant closet. The robot sat in
the centre of it, then demanded, "Now where's that beer you promised me,
Fry's refrigerator stood on the other side of the room, directly opposite the
mattress, so it was a short walk to reach it. He pulled the giant handle hard,
then grabbed two cold beers, took one over to the robot, and kept the other for
He then walked into the attached kitchen, which was covered in squashed, decaying
pieces of pizza and unwashed dishes. After finding the cleanest mug of all out
of his sink - another dirty mug that hadn't been washed for days - he then called
out loud into the other room, "Would you like some coffee, Leela?"
Maybe she was just lucky, as she replied, "No thanks, I'm fine. Come back in
here and speak to us." At least she escaped having to see young Zoidberg for any
unknown bodily infections in the morning!
Fry came back into his filthy, slob-like closet, from his filthy slob-like kitchen,
to where his friends were sitting on his filthy, smelly mattress on the floor.
Yes, Fry had certainly personalized this room since he arrived. His name could
be seen and smelt all over it: the mixed pungent odours in the atmosphere, the
uneaten food scattered all around it, the unwashed clothes, thrown all over the
filthy mattress on the floor.
Fry joined his two friends back in his living/bedroom and sat down on the mattress
on the other side of Bender, when they next began to talk about what they originally
Leela began, firstly turning to the bot, who gulped down another slosh of beer
without a care in the world, "The only way we can help you, Bender, is if
you tell us the truth."
Although wondering how much corruption one human could take, he swallowed hard,
then answered, "Oh no, I swear on my robot god, you don't want to know!"
Fry put his arm around the robot's shoulders, then began to assure him that
it was OK to tell Leela what happened at Mom's place. "Look, both of us are in
so much trouble already, that whatever you said, or did, couldn't be that much
Bender fiddled and fidgeted about with his fingers for something to do with
his hands, "I know that you're both trying your best to get it out of me, but
I promised Mommy I'd keep it a secret. I'd really like to tell you, really I would
Leela interrupted him. "...But you know you'll feel much better if you
did let it all out. We're here as a sort of... shoulder to cry on."
Bender decided it seemed to be OK, as they were his closest friends,
and as Leela so aptly put it to him were his "shoulder to cry on", so
to speak. "It wasn't particularly nasty as far as I'm concerned , but it's just
not what I consider as human coverage."
They both promised, that they'd try not to lose control, so Bender began. He
raised his head to look up at Leela, who was sitting to his right hand side, wide-eyed
and listening closely, and spurted it all out: "I kidnapped Cubert, 'cos Mom wanted
the microchip in his head. I don't know how she did it, but she did. I think she
must have performed brain surgery on him or something. I left him in the hands
of her three sons, hoping something would go wrong so that he would never return."
"Do you think Cubert might have said something to the professor... is that
why you became depressed?" asked Leela, who was now a little curious herself.
"I had so much to drink the other day, so I really don't know. I don't
even particularly care about what Cubert says or does, and he was so stone drunk
when I took him to Mom's, he's probably forgotten everything. Thanks for the top-up
though, 'cos I'm gonna need it in case he hasn't, then it might not be long till
he does remember that it was me - I could get the sack. I suppose I could live
by nicking stuff."
Every word that Bender spoke seemed to convince Leela more into thinking a
little like Farnsworth: that Mom was a barbarous, inhumane and opportunistic old
hag. She felt extremely angry at first at what the robot had actually done, but
knew deep down that it was all the old hag's fault. She immediately yelled out
her first reaction. "Bender, I know Cubert's never really been a favourite of
mine, but I've never wanted him dead!"
She felt she was starting to lose control again, but she'd promised Fry earlier
she wouldn't, therefore changed her tone into a more sympathetic one again. "Look...
what's done, is done! It's time to stop crying over spilt milk, after all, nobody's
really been hurt, have they."
Although Bender enjoyed talking to his friends, he somehow felt he'd betrayed
his creator, therefore he was still a little unsure whether he felt better since
he let it all out.
Bender then looked over to Fry, sitting with his face in his hands, whilst
still moaning and groaning about how much trouble they were in. Bender stood up,
then walked over to the refrigerator opposite the room, taking out two beers.
"Come on, Fry, have another drink with me, it'll help to drown your sorrows.
Drinking this stuff's really lifting my spirits up, maybe it can do the same for
you." Fry looked up at Bender, gladly accepting his gift, then the bot sat down
again in the middle of his two friends.
Bender looked back at Leela again, "Did you know that I wasn't programmed with
any humane feelings or human emotions. In fact, I care as much for Cubert
as I do for Nibbler: absolutely zilch. Besides, I got a lot of money and the VIR
treatment." The robot began to tell Leela and Fry all about his polish and shine
by several robo-femmes, and how he was given so many dollars, that they didn't
all fit into his compartment.
"You mean that you even got something out of this... a bribe of some kind?"
asked the Cyclops
Bender started to slurp on his beer, in a carefree, Fryish sort of way, as
he seemed to be acting much more like his old self again. "The only one Bender
looks out for is Bender!" he stated, sounding more and more like himself with
Fry seemed to be rather pleased that the robot helped himself to all that stolen
cash: "You got paid for poking your nose where it didn't belong... ccoooollll!"
"Nose, what nose? I haven't got a nose."
Fry gave a little chuckle, just looking glad to see his best friend so cheerful
again, which in turn painted a big ear-to-ear smile on Leela's face, who was just
delighted to see both of them together and so happy.
"Leela, don't say a word about this to anyone... please!" begged
Fry, giving his puppydog eyes look.
"OK, I'll keep quiet about this," reassured Leela. "Enough with
the face, Fry! OK, that's it, I'm outta here."
She picked up her green coat off the floor, dusted it down and put it back
on. She wanted to go home, where it was much cleaner, much more sanitary and she
could get herself a large whiff of fresh air. She then hugged her two favourite
men goodbye and left the apartment.
Chapter 7 - Farnsworth's Revenge (final chapter)
Fry and Bender both looked unmoved about the week's goings on. They'd suffered
enough for it already. For them, now was the time to stop torturing themselves
and just sit there rejoicing on the mattress, enjoying yet another cold beer together.
Being with Fry just made Bender almost forget the entire ordeal... until about
a month later, whilst they were both in the Planet Express lounge, watching "Sesame
Street" on the TV, during their lunchbreak. A newsflash suddenly came up
on the TV screen, interfering with their enjoyment, just as the ghastly dustbin
resident Oscar was demoralizing geekie Ernie, telling him how his awful dancing
stank more than the dustbin he himself lived in.
"This is a special newsflash announcement," informed Linda, the newsreader.
"Although only for the rich at the moment, Mom has invented yet another new machine
to make life much easier for humans, mainly all the old and frail...."
Morbo interrupted, "Do humans grow really frail once they get older? Well,
well, well, you find out something new everyday, don't you."
Morbo laughed wildly at discovering yet another human flaw, and got uncontrollably
excited at how his own species remain strong in mind and body for centuries, so
it would be a much easier task taking over Earth.
"If we can start destroying these machines before they begin to mass produce
them, then none of the older, deceased or weaker humans can buy them. I think
us aliens'll have a party smashing them up. If we're gonna rule this planet, we'd
better be getting started right away. See you in Hell, old, frail people!" Morbo
arose from his chair and ran off to find a youth-giving machine to destroy. Then
Linda took a look over to where Morbo had disappeared to, then looked back
over to the camera and laughed, "Ha, ha, ha! That's the producer's one gone.
"Anyway, back to this machine... it gives the old back their youth, the
ill back their health, or simply keeps our wrinkled celebrities looking beautiful.
So if you want to avoid seeing the Grim Reaper before your time, and have millions
like our producer, then you too can be as young as you want to be. Also, a word
of advice: if you have the money, buy it quickly before Morbo and his species
smash them all up, as only a handful have been made so far. Anyway, that's the
end of our newsflash."
"Sesame Street" then returned to the screens. As the programme was
featuring the number 3 today, Big Bird was now reading the children "Goldilocks
and the Three Klingons".
Young Farnsworth and his entire crew were stunned at what they'd just heard
on the TV. Nobody was even interested in the slightest in "Sesame Street"
anymore, and it was one of their favourite lunchtime programmes as well. As Cubert
was the only person, to whom the professor had given the plans, it seemed to be
logical that he was the one who was responsible for passing them over to the witch...
and he had still never ever met her in his life. The prof just looked at Cubert
blankly, then left the room in a huff to be alone the privacy of his cabin.
Cubert tried to explain how he had no idea of how Mom got hold of the plans.
"But...but... but..." But before Cubert could barely begin, the prof had vanished.
Other than the three crew members who knew everything, the rest of the crew,
including Farnsworth, were starting to suspect Cubert. After all, he was the only
one who knew absolutely anything at all other than Farnsworth... and the professor
certainly didn't snitch on himself.
Although Leela wanted desperately to squirm, even just part of what Bender
had told her, she was a woman of her word, and a promise was a promise.
Cubert stood silently, as he stared at his suspicious colleagues. Being accused
for his spiteful nature was one thing - he enjoyed the fun of it all - but being
accused for something he didn't do, or at least didn't remember doing, was something
completely different. He was usually the one doing the bullying, now he just felt
like a victim being bullied.
After running off to to his own cabin, he escaped the accusing eyes of the
crew members, to be alone and away from them. As he sat on his bed, he could still
hear their voices saying some nasty things about him from the other room.
Hermes began, "Dat little munster, I knew he couldna stand de heat when I first
laid ma eyes on him! We have ta git rid of de little shit sumhow!"
Another man who "seemed to know from the start" was young Zoidberg.
"You know, I knew before that little squirm was 'born' that I was the one the
prof really wanted to be his successor. After all, Zoiby and the professor have
known each other for decades; we're like that." He crossed his claws over
to show the others how close he and the prof were. "The professor and I can
rule the world till kingdom come, never losing our youth, strength or brain cells.
I'm the chosen one!"
Amy interrupted Zoidberg's fantasies of succession, "If you want to know my
opinion, the geeky little rascal doesn't just look like a repulsive vermin, but
has an uglier face than the squashed head of a Simpsons character! I agree with
Hermes, let's get rid of untrustworthy little grass somehow." Amy then continued
throwing her scandalous insults towards Cubert, with her face going as pink as
the clothing she was wearing, "We all knew he would amount to nothing when
we first noticed what an ugly little piglet he was. I mean, if he was as sweet
and cute as me, things could have been so different for him!"
Zoidberg noticed Bender, trying to sneak out. "You haven't said a word since
you saw the newsflash. If you think you might have eaten something to give you
a throat infection, I can twist your head off your body and have a good rummage
around it if you want."
Bender rubbed his head. "I shouldn't have come back to work till I'd become
completely sober again, I'm only just beginning to recover. I think I might just
be suffering from the after-effects, a slight headache or something... you know."
Zoidberg got up from where he sat, and began to walk towards his surgery. Making
a hand signal to the robot to follow him, the lobster then called back, "If you
come into my surgery, I'll give you a couple of aspirin. My doctor's manual says
they work wonders on human headaches, so why don't you just take them down with
an alcoholic drink of some kind, then wait a while to see what happens. I suggest
you go straight home afterwards, taking the drink with you. I also suggest that
you don't come back for about two or three days until you feel a little better,
As not to raise any unnecessary suspicions, Bender agreed to take whatever Zoidberg gave to him then get out fast to go home.
Although Bender hadn't aroused any dubious sixth senses from the rest
of the crew, as soon as Cubert heard the robot's voice again from the ship's cabin,
the metallic voice seemed to jog back vague memories of a very familiar voice
from a very familiar occasion. His thoughts began to flow wildly, until he finally
stumbled on one of his biggest clues so far - after all, his entire relationship
with his father depended on finding out not just who told the world that Lazarus
existed, but also who told all about its total insides and outs. He had to figure
this thing out, it was crucial to him, but his only memory of that familiar robot
voice was being teased down on the beach about his immaturity. The next thing
he could remember, was being picked up for joyriding by the police with a hangover.
But then, suddenly, another thought entered his mind. Little by little, things
began to fix themselves together like a jigsaw. He seemed to remember being taken
to the liquor store and given an entire bottle of whiskey by... BENDER! The budding
scientist had finally worked most of it out. Although his recollection of the
actual event itself was still very limited, he felt he'd at least found his culprit!
Evening had come, and apart from Bender, who had taken a few days off, most
of the other crew members had gone to sleep in the PE ship within the building,
as they had an early delivery, and it was quite a long way as well. Cubert, though,
had gone to see the professor, who was sitting in his cabin, on his bed thinking
deeply about something.
Cubert sat next to the professor, poured his heart out about what he'd remembered
then awaited his reaction expecting his father to disbelieve a word of it.
Farnsworth's response wasn't so ravenous though. "I'm sorry, son, I didn't
mean to be so nasty, it was just the initial shock of finding out that made me
so angry, it wasn't you. Besides, yesterday I discovered an even bigger secret
than you and it's also why I'm in rather a better mood today. I really think that
it's something you might find of interest. And since I only just found it after
I'd gone back into my lab yesterday night, it took me the whole of today just
to make sure whether I was right or not. You're the first person I've told, you
know, nobody else knows except you and me now."
Cubert shut their cabin door whilst listening with great fascination.
In her own cabin, Leela lay in her bed under her covers, wondering to herself
whether she ought to tell Farnsworth the truth. It wasn't just for his sake, but
also to calm down her guilty conscience. She couldn't help it, it kept running
in and out through her mind. "Should I? Shouldn't I? Should I? Shouldn't I? Should
I? Shouldn't I?"
She finally decided that she'd kept Bender's secret for long enough, and just
didn't want to take part in Mom's dirty little scheme.
She got out of bed, put on her white towelling, tie-up robe, and fluffy white
slippers, and began to make her way to the professor's cabin.
When she got there, she could hear a muffled voice, which seemed to be Cubert.
She finally was able to work out that it was indeed the little, pig-nosed one
attempting to make his case clearer to the professor, to try to prove his innocence
in this affair.
"See, I told you that I wouldn't lie to you! I really didn't remember a thing
about where Bender took me after we got drunk."
"Don't worry, son, Bender's become so experienced in lying, he's evolved
into a politician. In fact, he's become so good at acting out his lies, he could
even become president. Besides, it doesn't really matter that much to me anyway,
after all, the robot seems to have done me a big favour."
The clone then walked out of the lab to go back to his own room. He wore a
smirky little grin on his face while brushing passed Leela outside the prof's
room, raising an eyebrow, with a crafty look on his face which said "I know
something you don't".
After Cubert had left the professor, Leela walked inside the lab to tell her
secret story. She walked towards young Farnsworth, who sat there where Cubert
had just gotten up next to him. She felt a little embarrassed at first as he seemed
to be wearing a silk navy-blue dressing gown that ended just below his "utensils".
She then began to explain, telling him how the three of them met at
the robot's apartment; how Bender told them every detail about what he did to
Cubert for Mom, from getting him drunk, to taking him to Mom's to have his microchip
surgically removed; how it had come from the robot's own tongue; how he squirmed
everything about Lazarus; and even got paid for it. As Bender had personally confessed
his crime to her, Farnsworth didn't have to argue with the robot himself about
what was the truth.
While she sat there cross-legged next to the professor, one of her long, slender,
shapely legs just happened to catch his eye as it popped through her robe. His
concentration slipped for a short while, as his eyes ran up and down their entire
silken texture; cravings of lust and passion began to enter his mind, wanting
desperately to stroke her thigh and fondle with her knee. He began to mentally
undress her, as his eyes began to wander up her body until he met her face.
Wondering what it was that seemed to give Farnsworth a sudden shock, she asked,
"What is it, Professor? Has something I've said frightened or offended you?"
"I'm sorry," replied the prof, as he lied through his teeth, "it's
just that the news you just told me is so dis...dressing. Please continue, though,
eye'd like to know everything." What he was really thinking was: "nice
legs, shame about the face". But, he couldn't let her know that, unless
he wanted reconstructive surgery soon afterwards!
Shaking her head in wonder, she then continued with what she was originally
The professor never really believed that young Cubert had ever willingly collaborated
with Mom, after all, how could he, he's never even met her before... or vice versa.
The story had slowly unfolded like a murder trial: things began to look clearer
and clearer to the professor, with every little piece of information Leela told
him. He wasn't too upset with Bender, though, after all, as Mom had taken the
microchip in Cubert's mind to build her machines, he was the only one who had
discovered the big secret of the machine, so he was still one up on her. The prof
even felt as if he ought to give Bender a medal of some kind for doing his dirty
work for him!
But before Farnsworth did anything else, he was going to have to get rid of
the dull, lifeless and boring freak that was sitting next to him on his
bed. Although her body had aroused his libido, he just didn't fancy her!
After he'd finally achieved his bad deed of getting rid of the Cyclops, the
frisky, young scientist had a much better idea! He made his way straight to the
cabin door of the other more exciting, more sexy, and best of all... much more
willing female in the building! As far as the prof was concerned, the other female
was far better looking, too!
He wore nothing else but his same navy blue silk dressing gown that almost
came up to his butt, and his old, "grandfather" slippers. He then approached
the cabin door of Amouress Amy, and walked straight towards the door to alert
the foxy lady of his arrival. Farnsworth's fist rapped on the door thrice.
Amy sat naked on her bed, brushing her spiky, jagged hair. She called out to
whoever stood outside, with her cute, squeaky voice, "Who is it?"
"It's me, the Love-Miester!" he answered alluringly, in a very deep, masculine
voice, put on to impress his next catch of the day, sounding like James Bond to
match his hunky new Pierce Brosnan look.
Although he was faking his masculinity, there were still undertones of Farnsworth's
voice beaming through it, and Amy managed to recognise who it was at once. "I'm
sorry, professor, can you wait a second till I grab my gown or something. I'm
afraid I haven't got a stitch on."
That got the Love-Miester much, much friskier than he already was.
"Absolutely nothing!" He whispered, talking to himself. "Wow, I'm gonna have
a real party tonight!" He said nothing else, but just swung the door wide open,
so that he could have a better look.
As the door swung open, his eyes popped out of their sockets as they glued
themselves to her seductive body. "Well hello, beautiful!" he remarked, in his
very hunky, calm and collected spy type voice.
Amy, who slept in the nude, was struggling with her flimsy, see-through night
gown, just to try and hide anything she possibly could. "Oh, Professor, you really
shouldn't be looking, you're much too old for me at 160. Anyway, what about Kif?"
The horny hunk kept the spy tone. "Call me Bond, Hubert Bond... and
in answer to your question: what's Kif, some sort of household cleaner? I'm not
dirty... just sex-craved. Yeah... the craving for a special lady!"
Amy just returned a blank stare, as if she was in deep thought about something.
"Anyway, I've noticed that you're trying to steal a peep at my wiener
from underneath my robe... and you shouldn't be looking either, but I'm not complaining."
He walked into her cabin to get a closer look at her and to offer himself back
in return. "I've come to give you a scrumptious present, you sex siren." He put
his hands to where the tie belt of his own gown was, then pulled the loosely tied
silk belt apart. Then, continuing to try and seduce her, the saucy professor walked
so close to her, that they were almost touching.
As Amy stood next to Farnsworth, memories of Kif were being distracted by another
problem at hand. "Oh, you'll have to wear protection. I have some Titan's washing-up
gloves you could wear, Kif's favourite. We wouldn't want you to become pregnant,
She turned away and daintily sauntered over to her handbag and pulled out a
packet of kitchen gloves. The packet had gawdy writing on it, with the words "Titan
king, Kif Kroker, says: 'I'll never use anything else!'" Kif could be seen
wearing a crown and holding a packet of Titan's washing-up gloves.
"Here you are, put them on."
She then stared as a confused Farnsworth attempted to put his "protection"
on. "No, no... on your hands, silly!"
After Farnsworth had put on the gloves, expecting her to demand he scrub the
room clean or something, she came close to him, making it look as if they were
dancing to a smoochie record, and wrapped her arms around his neck, while his
gloved hands enveloped themselves around her tiny waist. She lifted her head to
touch his lips softly. Her hands then took hold of his gown, sliding it down his
body, allowing it to drop to the ground, revealing a naked professor except for
a pair of rubber gloves and grampa slippers!
After they'd reglued their arms around one another, the experienced love-miester
whispered back, "I know a really naughty game that we can both play, with just
two players... you and I." The door slammed shut, their game had begun.
The heavy breathing, squeaking bed, and several, deafening lusty hollers, were
the only signs it took to let the rest of the crew know that the sexy scientist
had lit Amy's fireworks that night.
Early next morning, on his way back to his own cabin from his night of passion
and washing up, Farnsworth had almost forgotten about his demonic ex-lover, Mom...
until he heard an advert come up from the lounge TV.
It sounded like a young woman aged between 20 to 30: "Try our new beauty product
that makes your skin softer, younger, and fills your life with zest and revitalization."
At first, he took no notice, after all, most beauty adverts for creams and
lotions all sounded the same anyway. Then he heard the name of the product: "Mom's
New Anti-wrinkle Machine." Its blurb continued, "Now you can have
skin as soft as a baby's bottom... whatever age you are." It then continued
with two grandmothers over a hundred-and-twenty, that had used the machine. The
two women stood together with several grand and great grandchildren, whereas their
own spawn had long since looked like perished prunes. Both women still looked
and felt about a hundred years younger.
Then, the young, beautiful woman from the beginning of the advert, reappeared
on the TV screen. "My machine worked wonders for me, and if you use my machine,
it'll work wonders for you, too!"
It was HER, that evil old battle-axe who had manipulated her robots for her
own scandalous, opportunist reasons. Although he couldn't even see her, he heard
her name, and besides, he recognised her voice from their younger years together.
The expression on Farnsworth's face had changed almost immediately from the
second he walked out of Amy's cabin: from extreme desire and delightfulness to
one of hostility, detest and disgust at the sound of the witch's voice. Even if
the monstrous, old bat had managed to change her body with the microchip in Cubert's
head, she'd never in her entire lifetime manage to alter her sly, corrupt mind...
what a crying shame.
She would soon find out the hard way that not all is in the eye of the beholder,
as there was something that he only recently discovered that'll make things really
messy for Mom, a big secret that'll ruin her forever. It'll be Farnsworth's revenge
against her, for both for stealing his plans and for what she'd done to his little
boy. It was why his clone had a really big grin on his face when he walked out
of the prof's cabin.
The information he had discovered, explained a lot about why both Zoidberg
and himself had become such, masculine, handsome, young hunks of their species
after using the machine. Although any male would probably have the same after
effects, females were going to get a very raw deal for their money.
There was a process in the second tube that released many different coloured
chemicals to complete the user's metamorphosis and stick the entire process together.
What the prof didn't realize at the time was that one of these chemicals greatly
increased testosterone levels within the subject, and for women, this would just
Millionaire ex-old women all over the world were going to start growing thick
beards, moustaches, and generally become hairy all over their entire bodies. The
female user had now secured, for the rest of her entire lifetime, a future of
small breasts, giant muscles, gruff voices, and even infertility - she just as
well could have signed herself up for a million dollar sex change.
While sitting there, grinning like Cubert had the night before, he thought
to himself, wickedly amused how it was now Mom's problem and she had to deal with
any of the nasty consequences that came with it. She would be sued and have to
pay heavy fines, she would receive hundreds, if not thousands of complaints and
death threats from ex-beautiful veteran celebrities, and she would have established
herself as the malicious, evil witch that she is. Not only that, she herself would
now need to change her name to Pa.
He wondered why he was ever bothered about her stealing the microchip in the
first place. It suddenly felt like a lucky opportunity that just fell into his
arms, as if he'd just won a fortune! He had another idea whilst he sat there,
that because he was the only person who knew why all these females were changing,
he would do as much as it took to try and build the media up. Tell all her female
customers why they were growing facial hair, and in some cases even go bald, and
smother the blame all over her. He wanted to really rub it in order to backstab
her, let her corrupt reputation really shine out.
His face lit up with the self-satisfaction that he really was the greatest
inventor in the universe. He had built a machine that could finish off his most
evil enemy, and begin a gruesome counter attack of his own... and he had Bender
to thank for it all!
Now onto finding a way of finishing off Wernstrom. Werrrrrntrom!