Turanga Leela's Diary
THE FOLLOWING FAN FIC IS RATED R/15 FOR STRONG LANGUAGE AND SEX REFERENCES.
NEW YEAR 2006
NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTIONS
1. I will not get drunk when Fry is in the same room/building/town.
2. I will not get jealous of Amy's curves or her power over men.
3. I will not beat someone up in outrage.
4. I will not accept dates from f***wits, communists, perverts, guys with wives and/or girlfriends and/or a mistress, misogynists or chauvinists.
5. I will spend less money on thongs/bras/kinky clothing, no point as I have no boyfriend.
6. I will get a boyfriend.
7. I will not give in to lesbian-ism.
8. I will drink less.
9. I will stop getting so bored that I have to resort to listening to sh** 2004 bands like Outkast, D12 or The Beatles, but instead take up something like yoga.
10. I will not fall in love with Fry AT ALL during the year.
MONDAY JANUARY 1
4.a.m Uuurgh headach real hurt bleh eh sh**
6.36.a.m Fry tol me bout hangovr cur onc lets try it.....
6.38.a.m Damn cant member grediats must try memmber
6.45.a.m Aaaah recipy book found! Mabe this is it. uurgh pages stuck together. oh well let see
75gs Curry Powder
2 beaten eggs
2 teaspoons vanilla flavouring
20g cooked mince meat
7.12.a.m all grediants done put in blender
7.14 a.m sh** i forgot the lid
7.43 a.m all finished here go noting
3.p.m Next time I see Fry I'm gonna put my foot through his face.
TUESDAY JANUARY 2
Looked in the cookbook today, turned out it was two pages stuck together were for Hangwo on cho (Chinese curry) and Strawberry Fairy cakes (Rover's favourite cakes! Make your own!). I hate cooking.
Went to work today angry, with a sore head and a bad taste in my mouth (well you f***ing try Strawberry Chinese Fairy liquid!!!). Fry asked what was wrong.
"Have you ever tried your goddamn hangover cure!?"
"Yeah..... good isn't it?"
"Chicken... good! Strawberry... good! Curry Powder... GOOD!"
Here's where I got confused.... I thought that in my drunkness I had got the messed up cookbook.... but when I got home, I looked in it again and saw something I didn't see there before....
LEELA, I KNOW HOW DRUNK YOU CAN GET, SO HERE'S FRY'S HANGOVER CURE! IT'LL MAKE YOU FEEL BETTER, GUARANTYD! ~ FRY
So it WAS the hangover cure!
FRIDAY JANUARY 5
Real rush today. Woke up at 9am, so I had to get dressed quickly, get my hair sorted quickly and my coffee quickly. In fact, I had my coffee so quickly that I forgot the milk, the coffee and the sugar but drank it anyway, and my lips go a cherry red color, so I went to work looking like Kiss, but with all the makeup, bar Lipstick, taken out. And one eye. I knew I looked wrong when Fry was looking at ME while he was talking..... he's usually having a conversation with my breasts.
SATURDAY JANUARY 6
I've been trying to find out why guys aren't attracted to me. And I found out why today, in the showers. I had just finished showing Fry where the men showers were for the gazillionth time when Amy brought in scales.
"Look what I brought Leela! Scales! We can weigh ourselves!"
She bent down to put the scales on the floor, and a 'Yowzer' was heard from outside.
"Fry! I told you where the mens showers are already!"
"Yeah, I know... but..... uh.... excuse me ladies, something just popped up."
"I bet I know what."
We heard Fry walk off (we think) and Amy stood on the scales. 7st 14pounds.
"Cool," she said. "Okay, your turn!"
I stood on the scales....
Let's just say I resorted to taking my scrunchy off. I refused to let Amy know, so I bent over, picked it up, opened the door and threw it..... right into Fry's face.
SUNDAY JANUARY 7
When Amy left the showers today, I grabbed hold of the shower bars across the top and started pulling myself up and down, up and down, up and down when the Professor barged in, yelling because we weren't supposed to be at work on weekends.
TUESDAY JANUARY 9
7.19.p.m Damn, I'm bored.
7.21.p.m You know, I never really liked that Purple Pills song before one minute ago....
WEDNESDAY JANUARY 10
Worst. Mission. Ever. We were involved in a shoot out, and we were all using old fashioned guns..... .44, glocks, shotguns, MP5s and all that sh**. Fry nearly got himself killed doing this 'Bad Bots' thing with Bender (Fry was pretending to be a robot because Bender refused to be a human). He flew into the air, yelling things like "Come on you f***ing f*** eat muthaf***in' lead sh**head!" and firing into a nearby crowd. A long haired guy decided he needed to be taken out and whipped out an MP5. Fry would've been blown into little bloody bits if I hadn't kicked the guy so hard in the head his skull collapsed.
Bender then went in the middle of the damn crowd of hippies and drank a tub of beer.... the hippies had no idea what was going on till he belched and set them on fire.
I nearly had my neck broken by some guy called Piablo but when my breasts rubbed against his chest he let me go. I thought he was pretty sweet for a bit, then I remembered my resolutions and shot him in the face.
Actually, it wasn't that bad.
FRIDAY JANUARY 12
7.56.p.m I'm in the pub toilets, I just saw this REALLY cute guy and he's really cute! I'm going to make my move....
8.00.p.m I'm in his bathroom 'freshening up'. Ooooh yes!
SATURDAY JANUARY 13
4.a.m I have a boyfriend! Oooh yes! More shopping for thongs!
WEDNESDAY JANUARY 17
My new boyfriend's name is Joe. Amy is really jealous. But I'm not that happy.
"How the HELL did you get a cute guy like that?"
"What do you mean? You should know that........ (this is where I realise I didn't get his name yet)... he's very open-minded, if you're talking about my eye."
"No! You're fat!"
"What!? No I'm not!"
"You are! Why did you stop my seeing the scales the other week?"
"I'm not fat! Even if I was, it's better than being a sl**!!!"
"WHAT!? A sl**!? You fat b**ch!"
Amy slapped me, but I managed to pull some of her hair out, at which point she ran off crying. I was about to walk out when I heard a "BASH!" and felt a sharp pain in the back of my head. I turned around, moaning in pain. Amy had thrown scales at me.
"If you don't believe then weigh yourself you f***ing b**ch!!!"
THURSDAY JANUARY 18
I am so stupid. I'm stupider than Zoidberg. Stupider than Amy. Stupider than Fry.
Okay, I'm not that stupid, but I did a really unintelligent thing.
Today Fry asked me what was wrong. I knew I shouldn't have said it, but it just came out.
"I'm fat, aren't I!?"
"I am! That's why no-one loves me."
"You're not fat...."
"Yes I am! I'm like a whale!"
I had to say that. Amy was sitting down behind us.
"Fry, you know that when she threw the scales at you the results froze. You know her weight."
Joe's sleeping with a whale, and I am so unintelligent it's beyond belief.
FRIDAY JANUARY 19
I'm so sick of Amy!!! I hate her!!!! HAAAAAATE!!! Today I put on the TV, and on the station that Amy's parents own was a picture of me on a stick figure, dancing, mouth bobbing up and down, chin wobbling. I thought it was bad enough.... but then music started to shoot out the speakers....
Your butt is wide, well mine is too
Just watch your mouth or I'll sit on you
The word is out, better treat me right
'cause I'm the king of cellulite
Ham on, ham on, ham on whole wheat, all right
My zippers bust, my buckles break
I'm too much man for you to take
The pavement cracks when I fall down
I've got more chins than chinatown
Well, I've never used a phone booth
And I've never seen my toes
When I'm goin' to the movies
I take up seven rows
Because I'm fat, I'm fat, come on
(fat, fat, really really fat)
You know I'm fat, I'm fat, you know it
(fat, fat, really really fat)
You know I'm fat, I'm fat, come on you know
(fat, fat, really really fat)
Don'tcha call me pudgy, portly or stout
Just now tell me once again who's fat.
I put my foot through the screen and now I have to buy the Prof a new one. BS.
SATURDAY JANUARY 20
This just keeps getting better. Amy came in when we were watching Death Wish 87: Wish not still granted on the new Panosonic Super Wide Plasma Screen TV I had to buy. She opened her eyes in shock, and gasped.
"Oh my God! Two Leelas!"
"What are you talking about? There's only one here, b**ch!"
"Oh, I'm sorry Leela, it's just that the one sitting in front of the couch is the same size."
I wanted to get up and bust her face open.
But I restrained myself, and only bust her nose.
SUNDAY JANUARY 21
I. HATE. EVERY. LIVING. AND. NON. LIVING. THING. ON. THIS. PLANET. EXCEPT. THE. SHOPPING. MALL.
I woke up today on the floor on Joe's apartment. I got up to get back on the bed and there was Amy.... sleeping on top of Joe. Amy woke up just in time to see the look on my face.
"Oh, sorry we pushed you off, see, there's just not enough room for 3 people on this bed.... if the one who got shoved off is a whale."
TUESDAY JANUARY 23
This diary is now going to be hidden in a super-secret place - in my bra, which no-one is ever going to take off with lust.
I put Amy in a coma - no-one knows yet, I mean, they know she's in a coma but they don't know I did it. I shoved her through the window, screaming at her. Her last words before slipping into her coma were: "I understand why you did this... you didn't want your place to get too cramped...."
I ran off, leaving her motionless in a little pool of blood.
WEDNESDAY JANUARY 24
Amy's still in her coma.
THURSDAY JANUARY 25
Still in coma.
FRIDAY JANUARY 26
This isn't so bad actually.
SATURDAY JANUARY 27
I could get used to this.
SUNDAY JANUARY 28
Fry called. He asked me why we were at work these past few weekends. I said I didn't know.
MONDAY JANUARY 29
8.43p.m I'm in the pub toilets, after another night of drinking and still no man. Must remember not to drink too much.
4.21a.m jus finis sex with red hed RELLY CYUT
TUESDAY JANUARY 30
Nooooooooooooo!!!!! I had sex with Fry again!!! I can't believe this! Oh well, I guess this means I've only failed one of my resolutions. Two. Three. Four. Five.
WEDNESDAY JANUARY 31
That's it. All is lost. I can't find a man. A WORHTY man. No man loves me.... no WORTHY man. I'm sick of men now. F*** men!
But if I give up on men, how will I ever find love?
I've got it!
To be continued