Futurama

Fan Fiction

Man's Worst Nightmare, Part 2
By Dwayne Anderson

A little later, the crew were checking into a hotel. Like several restaraunts and motels, its construction had been financed by the Prime Minister. It was two stories tall.

Fry: We'd like a room please.

At the desk sits a young man with short brown hair, dressed in a casual shirt, pants, socks, and shoes.

Clerk: Due to the policy set by the Prime Minister, men and women get separate rooms.

Fry: Hey come on! We're renting a room to relax in, not have sex!

Clerk: It is the law.

Fry: Which law?

Clerk: Margaret's Law. Under that order, men lose the right to vote, the minimum wage gets cut to two cents an hour for men, and only women get the most important positions and jobs. Heck, times are so tough, the secretary is actually a man dressed to look like a woman so that he can make ends meet!

The crew turn their heads to face a blonde in a pink dress, sitting at another desk talking on the phone.

They all pitch in to rent two rooms.

Soon, a bellhop leads them to their rooms.

Bellhop: Rooms for the men are on the lower floor. Women get the penthouse suites.

He leads the crew down a hall and unlocks a door. Upon opening it, everyone can see that the room inside is filthy, disorganized, and dusty.

Fry: This is our room? And we paid almost double price for it!

Bellhop: Margaret's Law.

He leads Amy and Leela upstairs to the second floor and unlocks the first room. Unlike the room where the men are, this room had pink walls, queen-sized beds, a floor that sparkled, and a big screen television.

Bellhop: Here's your room ladies. Enjoy! Oh, and how about a tip?

Amy hands him a dollar and closes the door after he leaves.

Leela: This is too good to be true. I mean, the men got a room that looks like a pig-sty, while we get a room that feels like paradise.

Amy jumps onto one of the beds.

Amy: I know! Isn't it grand! We get the royal treatment because we're women!

Leela: Amy, how can you talk about paradise at a time like...hey are those mints on the pillows?

Meanwhile, in their room, Fry, Bender, Hermes, Farnsworth, and Zoidberg are trying to watch some television. They finally got it working when they unscrewed Bender's head off and placed it on top.

A game show was on now.

Female Host: Please identify this song.

"I Am Woman, Hear Me Roar" begins to play.

The male contestant rings his buzzer.

Male Contestant: I Am Woman.

Female Host: Wrong!

The female contestant rings her buzzer.

Female Contestant: I Am Woman.

Female Host: Right!

Male Contestant: Wait a minute! That's what I said!

Female Host: I know, but you're a man!

Fry: This is stupid! I'm going to change the channel!

He picks up the remote.

Hermes: Fry don't! We can't take much more of this! This is hell!

Fry: Relax guys! What makes you think another channel couldn't be any worse?

He changes the channel, only to hear this.

Woman's voice: You are watching the Women's Television Network.

The men scream.

 

That night, back in their suite, Amy and Leela are dressed in their underwear, having a pillow fight. Finally, Leela wins.

There is a knock on the door. Upon opening it, Leela found Fry outside. When he sees the room his female friends got, his mouth drops open.

Fry: Holy moly! You guys are getting the royal treatment! And just because you're women!

Leela: How are you guys doing?

Fry: It's hell! There's nothing to watch but game-shows where men never win, and the Women's Television Network! With those two programs, I'd rather watch the Golf Channel! This is worse than planet Amazonia! Well, it's just like Amazonia, but without Snu-Snu!

(Offscreen, a male voice is heard.)

Voice: It just can't get any worse! What's next for our hapless hero? What horrors await him and mankind tomorrow...?

Fry and Leela quickly turn to face the screen.

Fry and Leela: Oh put a sock in it Mr. Narrator!

They turn to face each other again.

Fry: Do they allow men in here?

Leela: Unfortunately no.

Fry groans in disappointment.

Leela: Fry, cheer up. You've only seen the worst of Canada. It can only get better tomorrow.

Fry: I hope you're right.

 

The next day, the crew are seated at separate tables in "Tiffany's" a restaurant whose construction was financed by the Prime Minister. Amy and Leela are seated with all the other women in the no-smoking section while Fry, Bender, Farnsworth, Zoidberg, and Hermes are in the smoking section with all the other men.

Fry: This is sexual discrimination! And we don't even smoke!

Zoidberg: Even here, I get no respect!

Fry: Man, this place is terrible. Leela was wrong. Not only have I seen the worst, it just keeps getting worse! Women get the royal treatment everywhere, while we suffer almost as if we're in hell. And unlike women, we have to pay for everything plus double the price!

Hermes: And have you tried the food? It's almost as if they're trying to infect us with food poisoning.

A passing waiter stops by the table.

Waiter: Sir, you can't say "food poisoning". It's politically incorrect.

Hermes: Says who?

Waiter: The Prime Minister. In fact, it's a crime to say something politically incorrect in her presence. Instead of "food poisoning" you should use, "Spoilage".

The waiter returns to his duties.

Fry: Man! That's it! I'm going to the bathroom!

Waiter: Sir that's also politically incorrect. Instead, you use...

Fry: I get the picture!

He storms off to the bathroom (or whatever it's called).

As he walks into the men's washroom (or...er forget it), a stench that resembles human waste enters his nostrils. The walls are covered with something that looks like dried urine. He later discovers that the toilets don't even flush.

 

Later, the crew is walking down the street.

Fry: Can you guys believe what I just went through in the bathroom? And don't tell me that it's politically incorrect because I can call it what I want!

Leela: I have to agree with Fry everyone. Ever since Margaret Atwood became Prime Minister, life for men has been a living hell! In fact, I learned from gossip at "Tiffany's" that some women seem to think she's gone too far!

Bender: Margaret Atwood can bite my shiny metal ass! Who does she think she is raising the price of beer! I practically had to stuff a case into my chest cavity!

He opens up the compartment in his chest, revealing a six-pack of beer.

Fry: Wait, Leela, could you repeat what you just said?!

Leela: I said, some women actually seem to think Margaret Atwood has gone too far! It's because their husbands, brothers, sons, and fathers suffer under her harsh laws! But none of them will take a stand!

Fry: And why is that?

Leela: Only one women ever took a stand and have enough common sense to oppose the Prime Minister. She ended up serving a life sentence for treason. She's still locked up even after nine hundred years. They keep her skeleton in that cell.

Fry: Now I understand. More and more women are beginning to oppose Margaret due to the suffering of their husbands, brothers, sons, and fathers. But what about grandfathers?

Leela: No one cares.

Suddenly, Beezlebot, the robot devil rides by on a skateboard.

Fry: Whoa! Talk about irony! My father once said that the day a woman became Prime Minister of Canada would be the day the devil could skate!

Hermes: That's impossible! Hell would be frozen over!

Bender: Then who was that who just passed us on a skateboard?!

Soon, the crew are at a head museum. Famous Canadian women's heads are preserved her, such as Jann Arden, Catherine Zeta Jones, and Pamela Wallin. But there was not a single male head here at all.

Fry: I don't get it! Only female figureheads are here!

Leela: It's another law of the Prime Minister. Only females can have their heads preserved. In fact, when men die, they get cremated in a landfill!

Fry: What's up with that? Why is Margaret so prejudiced against men?!

Amy: Well, years ago, back in your time Fry, she was an author whose books were all about feminist topics. And now, she seems to be getting back at men for their unequal treatment over the years. With all the more important jobs they can get, women no longer have to resort to being prostitutes and hookers!

Leela: The Prime Minister is so prejudiced against men, just mentioning a man in front of her is enough to offend her! Remember back at Parliament Hill?

Fry: Yeah, my butt still hurts from where the street hit me!

Leela: Also, shortly after she seized power, she changed the lyrics of the National Anthem, due to many feminists being offended.

Fry: How does it go now?

Leela: I bought this tape while we were walking here. It contains many songs sung by feminists, the National Anthem being one of them.

She inserts the cassette into Bender's mouth. "O Canada" begins to play. A woman begins to sing.

O Canada
Our living quarters of aboriginal persons including Inuit, Metis, all first nations land.
True patriot love, implying affection but not in a sexual way,
In all thy gender non-specific spousal offspring suggestion.
With glowing hearts, we get horny,
The true north strong and free.
From far and weight challenged,
O Canada, we stand, or sit, on guard for thee.
Non-denomination gender non-specific individual keep our land,
Glorious and free.
O Canada, we sit on guard for thee.
O Canada, we stand ready to sit down and discuss our differences in
a civilized manner, for thee.

Leela removes the tape from Bender's mouth.

Fry: What's wrong with the old lyrics?

Leela: Well, for "With glowing hearts, we see thee rise", kind of sounds like obvious viagra implications, suggesting "thee" is undoubtably an amorous male person. "From far and wide" sounds like a reference to obesity. Also, by not mentioning any religious figure, all religion are accepted, including members of the Ku-Ku-Klux clan, Quakers, and Futureshop Employees.

Amy: And "On guard" resembles an act of aggression.

Fry: This is all so confusing!

 

Later that afternoon, they are all back at the hotel. Upstairs in their suite, Amy and Leela are watching television.

Right now, a press conference is on television. Margaret Atwood's head is standing on a podium.

Margaret: Good afternoon ladies and pigs!

A drumroll and rimshot are heard. Some oinking is also heard.

Leela takes the remote and turns off the television.

Leela: Alright that does it! This is the last straw! Normally I welcome a society where women are in power, but Margaret Atwood has gone too far!

Amy: Are you insane?! You can't take a stand against Margaret Atwood! She'll only throw you into prison! But if you have some support, maybe she'll go easy on you. I'll come too.

Just then, there is a knock on the door. Upon opening it, Leela finds Fry and Bender outside.

Fry: I heard you're going to make a stand against the Prime Minister. Well I am fed up with the mistreatment of my sex!

Bender: And I want to protest the high prices of beer!

Fry: But Bender, you usually don't buy!

Bender: So what? Even a very low cost is too much for me.

Leela: Alright, it's settled! We're going to make a difference right now! Let's go to Parliament Hill and give that bitch a piece of our minds!

Suddenly, four armed female security guards show up and aim handguns at the four friends.

Guard: Freeze! You are all under arrest by order of Margaret's Law!

Bender: Leela, you just had to use that tone of voice, didn't you?

 

To Be Continued

Buddies