Futurama

Fan Fiction

Man's Worst Nightmare, Part 3
By Dwayne Anderson

A little later, Fry, Leela, Bender and Amy were at Parliament Hill, brought before the Prime Minister by their captors.

Margaret: So you all thought you could oppose Margaret Atwood? When are you men going to learn that I am the Prime Minister and I make the rules in society?!

Fry: About the time pigs can fly!

Margaret: Neil Armstrong was the first!

Amy: Margaret, be reasonable. I know men have given women hard times over the years, but that's no excuse to take it out on every male human!

Margaret: Men are such pigs! And women were too stupid to help themselves! That's why I lead that revolution! Still, I can't believe that men continue to resist me even today! If I ever do rule the planet, I will make my rules much more strict! If men continue to oppose me, I'll have no choice! I'll have to kill them all!

Leela: What?! Then what would be created?

Margaret: Women's paradise!

Leela: Are you insane?! If you kill all men, how will we reproduce? You'll only bring about the extinction of the human race!

Fry: Relax, Leela. Margaret doesn't rule the Earth. That's Richard Nixon's job.

Margaret: Is that so? Not a bad idea!

Fry: Huh?

Margaret: Why didn't I think of this sooner?! I'll just go to Washington, overthrow Richard Nixon, and Earth is mine to control!

Fry: Uh oh!

Bender: Now look what you've done Fry!

Leela: You can't do that!

Margaret: Oh yeah? Well who is going to stop me?!

Leela: We will! And there's nothing you can do about it!

Later, Fry, Leela, Bender and Amy were tied up to chairs.

Margaret: To make sure you don't foil my plans for world domination, you'll be staying right here! And I have something in store for you!

Fry: You're going to send us to Great Britain and force us to eat their cooking?

Margaret: Nope! Girls, let's go!

Four female security guards pick up Margaret's jar and leave the room.

Bender: Aw crap! Now how do we get out of here?!

Suddenly, over the intercom, they heard clicking sounds, then the sound of someone clearing her throat.

Fry: Uh oh!

Leela: What is it?

Fry: It's going to broadcast some of her poetry!

Fry and Bender scream.

One of Margaret's poems begins to be heard.

Fry: Make it stop!

Leela: I've got to get out of these ropes!

Leela tugs and pulls against her ropes. Unexpectedly, they break.

Leela: I'm free!

Bender: Quick! Untie us before I shut down my circuits to stop my hearing!

 

Later, the Planet Express Crew were flying towards Washington D.C.

A large crowd was standing outside the White House front steps. Margaret Atwood's head is standing on a podium.

As the crew climbs out of their ship after it lands, Leela gasps.

Leela: Oh no! We're too late! She's seized power!

Hermes: It's the end of mankind as we know it!

Fry: Well not if I can help it! Bender, Leela, come with me! The rest of the wait in the crowd.

A little later, Margaret begins to make a speech.

Margaret: Good evening ladies and pigs!

A drumroll and rimshot are heard. Some oinking is also heard.

Margaret: I, Margaret Atwood am your new Earth President. And now that I am in power, I'm making society into what Canada was during my reign which continues even today! As of now, I declare women to be the first class civilians in society! And as for the men, I'm going to make life for you so hard, you'll wish you could just die! So men, give up your worthless struggle! All resistance is futile!

Voice: Not so fast!

Fry steps up to the podium with Bender and Leela behind him.

Margaret: You?! How did you escape?!

Bender: None of your business! Bite my shiny metal ass!

Margaret: You son of a bitch! How dare you talk back to me like that?! Guards, get rid of them!

Margaret's guards aim their guns at Bender, Fry, and Leela.

Bender: I don't think so!

He rewinds a hidden tape in his mouth, just like he did for Richard Nixon before his election.

Everyone hears Margaret's voice.

Voice on Tape: I can't believe that men continue to resist me even today! If I ever do rule the planet, I will make my rules much more strict! If men continue to oppose me, I'll have no choice! I'll have to kill them all!

Everyone gasps.

Man in crowd: What?! But then how will mankind reproduce?

Margaret: Uh oh! My plans have been exposed!

Narrator: Uh oh is right! For Margaret Atwood's plot has...

Margaret: Hey, Mr. Narrator! Why can't you say something constructive for a change, like "What would you do now?!"

Narrator: Because I don't like you!

Margaret: You son of a bitch! The narrator should have been a woman!

Leela: Miss Atwood! Were you just fighting with the narrator?

Margaret: He started it!

Narrator: Did not!

Margaret: You did too!

Narrator: Did not!

Margaret: Did so!

Narrator: Did not!

Margaret: Damn all men! Now I'm going to carry out a massive execution!

Margaret activates the headband around her head which Planet Express delivered.

Every man in the crowd (and on Earth) suddenly grabs his own head. They scream, groan, and beg for mercy. Margaret only laughs evilly.

Even Fry and Bender are screaming.

Fry: Make it stop!

Leela: She's broadcasting her poetry into every man's mind! And she's not going to stop until every man is dead!

Amy: How are men going to die from hearing poetry?

Leela: Suicide!

Leela rushes forth towards Margaret, throws off the top of the jar, grabs the headband, and throws it onto the marble floor where it breaks apart.

All around the world, the screaming stops.

Fry: You did it Leela!

Margaret: Traitor! You've ruined my scheme for women's paradise! I was simply helping guide women's future in the right direction!

Leela: These women today?! I thought they were too stupid to take a stand for themselves.

Woman in crowd: What?! What did she say?

Leela: I mean, that's what you said, right Miss Atwood? You said the whole reason you led that revolution was because women back then were too stupid to stand up for themselves!

Everyone in the crowd boos at Margaret Atwood.

Fry stands before the crowd.

Fry: Alright now! Let's all sing the politically incorrect version of "O Canada"! Just follow my lead!

Fry begins to sing "O Canada". Everyone else, except Margaret Atwood sings too.

O Canada, Our home and native land. True patriot love, Miss Atwood go get stuffed!

Margaret: What are you doing?! You can't sing that song! It's completely unacceptable! I am banning singing of Canada's national anthem!

Everyone begins to whistle "O Canada".

Margaret: There will be no whistling of "O Canada."

Somebody begins to play "O Canada" on the piano.

Margaret: And that includes no piano!

Somebody plays "O Canada" on another instrument.

Margaret: And especially no bagpipes! I will not be made a mockery of!

Crowd: Boom Shaka Laka Laka, Boom Shaka Laka Laka...

Margaret: I will not rest until women are in complete control of society!

The crowd begins to chant the introduction to "The Lion Sleeps Tonight".

Margaret: Shut up!

Everyone stops singing.

Margaret: I will not allow this behavior any longer.

A man begins to play the electric guitar.

Margaret: And Mr. Manning, please, put that guitar away!

The song stops.

Fry: I think we've heard enough out of you!

He takes Margaret's jar off the podium.

Margaret: What are you doing?! Put me down now you bastard!

Fry: You're the boss!

And he drops the jar. It shatters on the marble pavement!

Margaret: No! I need these fluids to breathe!

Crowd: Row, row, row your boat, gently down the stream! Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily, life is but a dream!

Margaret: I hope you're satisfied Phillip J. Fry! You've ruined all hope for women's paradise! And now, because of you, women have to share society with men!

With those words, Margaret's head dies.

Leela: I can live with that.

Amy: Me too.

Fry places Richard Nixon's head back onto the podium.

Richard: I never thought I would sit here again! Thank you Fry! And now, I declare Margaret Atwood's reign of terror over!

The crowd cheers.

 

Later, back at Planet Express, Fry and Leela are standing on the balconey.

Fry: Well Leela, we did it! We saved mankind from extinction.

Leela: Margaret Atwood's reign was just like the Energizer Bunny. It kept on going and going and going and going! By the way, I really do think you deserve this.

She and Fry start to kiss. Fry begins to moan in pleasure.

More words appear on the screen. The narrator's voice is heard again.

Narrator: The story you have just seen was made for the purpose of entertainment. It was not meant in any way to offend.

But if you were offended, I apologize.

If you are offended by this apology, I apologize.

If you threaten to sue, I apologize, both for the fact that I have no money and for the fact that I offended you.

If Margaret Atwood or any other feminist read this story and was offended, I apologize.

If this apology is getting too long, I apologize.

If I'm still apologizing, I apologize for the apology.

If I am wasting your time apologizing, I apologize for apologizing for the apology.

As that last line is spoken, Fry and Leela release each other and turn to face the screen.

Leela: Would you stop that please?

Narrator: Dare talk back to the narrator? I have something you don't!

Leela smiles and walks towards the screen.

Leela: I know.

The screen goes black. The sound of Leela kicking the Narrator is heard.

Narrator: Ahhhh! My groin!

 

The End

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