A Mind of his Clone
(The scene starts with Fry Bender and Leela flying towards a destination on
the PE ship)
FRY: Wow, lucky the fantasy planet needed another delivery of thongs or we'd
have never got a chance to visit!
BENDER: I bet you'll be seeing plenty of one eyed guys on that planet huh Leela?
LEELA: All you two think about is sex, booze, and puppet shows involving sex
BENDER: You think they'll have puppets?
LEELA: I don't know and I don't care. All we're gonna do is make the delivery
then leave, everytime we get side-tracked someone gets stuck in a moon-farm
or Fry drinks an emperor
FRY: I never drunk the emperor, that was you Leela
LEELA: Fry, don't you remember? We had to beat the emperor out of you in tears
BENDER: Lets re-enact it
LEELA: I'm in too bad a mood to argue about the past, so just please promise
me you'll at least try to make the delivery without getting side-tracked
FRY: Aw, your no fun Leela, we can't even go to the fantasy park
LEELA: I like fun as much as the next person, I just have to get home so I
can alphabetise my stories about being alone in the orphanarium, then I'm going
to eat ice cream until I feel the void in my life filled
FRY: Hey, I like chocolate ice cream
LEELA: I don't get that razzle-dazzle chocolate stuff, I prefer the water flavour
BENDER: It looks like your retaining all that water, tubby.
FRY: Just a little while in the fantasy land? Pleeeeaase!
LEELA: Fine, fine. We can have half an hour, but I think I'll just find a nice
bench to sit on, nothing plastic though, plastic is too cold
FRY: Aw come on Leela, you know you want to find out what your fantasies are,
I'm sure you'll surprise yourself
LEELA: *sighs* (to herself) I doubt it.
(The scene switches to the professor's lab, cubert is twiddling with an experiment,
as Amy stands by looking bored and Zoidberg watches over pretending to understand)
ZOIDBERG: Yes that's it, now just put the thing in the thing, if it doesn't
work then you've got the wrong thing.
CUBERT: I think I know what to do with my own experiment thankyou, can't you
just go sit and watch TV
ZOIDBERG: (Hangs his head) Hermes says I'm not aloud on the furniture
HERMES: (offscreen) You got that right ya filthy barnacle
CUBERT: War slave, go and fetch me some more anza pulse converters
AMY: Listen Geekules, I'm not a war slave, I was NOT in Vietnam 2090. So stop
calling me that!
CUBERT: Did I ask for your life story? Just get me the brushes
(Amy storms off muttering something in Cantonese, professor Farnsworth enters)
FARNSWORTH: What? What are you all doing here, I thought you were all killed
by giant caterpillars
CUBERT: Your delusional
FARNSWORTH: Oh that's right, that's just my elaborate insurance scam that none
of you must know about. So how's your presentation for the symposium going Cubert?
CUBERT: Better than yours
FARNSWORTH: What? But none of you know about my death clock yet
CUBERT: Just give up while you're ahead
FARNSWORTH: Never! After last year's embarrassment, I have to beat Wernstrum!
I'll think of something new if I have to. Perhaps some sort of deathclock.
CUBERT: That three eyed possum could invent better than you, your deathclock
is laughable, more so the eighth time round
FARNSWORTH: But its exactly what you weren't expecting!
ZOIDBERG: Gentlemen, please. I believe your both going to lose out to MY invention.
CUBERT: Oh yeah? What is it?
ZOIDBERG: Its a secret
CUBERT: Have you even invented it yet? Let alone, made it.
ZOIDBERG: Thats a secret too, even to me
HERMES: (offscreen) Who put my shoes in the microwave?!
ZOIDBERG: Dinner's ready!
(Zoidberg runs off)
CUBERT: After last year, I can't believe you're even going to show your face,
let alone with another of your fabled death clocks?
FARTNSWORTH: Who told you I was doing a deathclock?!
(Amy walks back)
AMY: Here are your damn anza whatever whatevers
CUBERT: Thankyou war slave
(he screws the metal things in)
CUBERT: And with that, I've already beaten you
FARNSWORTH: We'll see punk!
(Cubert laughs and walks off, a dove lands on the window-sill)
FARNSWORTH: Leela! You can fly! I knew those drugs I put in your meals everyday
had to do something!
(the bird shrieks and flies off)
FARNSWORTH: (To empty window) We'll see punk!
(it switches to Professor Wernstrum's office)
WERNSTRUM: With Farnsworth sure to present another upside-down death-clock,
the prize is once again as good as mine. Ha ha ha ha ha! That senile old man
won't know whats hit him.
(a foreman walks in)
FOREMAN: Uh sir, we've got a problem with your project
WERNSTRUM: Problem?! I've got to win that award, there'd better be no problems!
What is it?
FOREMAN: Well, as we were fitting the flux capacitator, we screwed something
in wrong, and well, a little poisonous gas leaked out to the workers and interns
WERNSTRUM: Well how bad could....
FOREMAN: They're all dead
WERNSTRUM: Well make it again then!
FOREMAN: The plans melted in the explosion
FOREMAN: Oh yeah, didn't I mention the explosion? Well there was one of those
as well, everythings gone. We need a new invention, and new workers, do you
know where we could get someone who could invent a genius creation in such short
WERNSTRUM: Why yes... I do
(he gives an evil look as the shot pulls out of the building and switches onto
the fantasy planet)
FRY: Wow, we made a delivery with no problems! Hey, lets see what happens when
I push that large fire spewing blob over there
LEELA: Oh no you don't, we made the successful delivery now you can have half
an hour in the fantasy part, but if you take too long, then i'm going to drag
you back into reality, kicking and screaming if i must
BENDER: Well, I'm going to visit the bar and act out my fantasy of beer
LEELA: Well, off you go then, I'll be sitting on this bench next to those truck-stop
guys over there when you come back
FRY: No way Leela, I'm not having you sitting next to some sleazy truck-stop
guys when you could be fantasising about something even more sleazy.
LEELA: I don't know Fry, I don't think its right for a person to see their
fantasies. They'll only be disappointed when they leave, I mean they'll realise
that they're life isn't nearly what they wanted and that they're stuck in a
dead end monotonous job with people who laugh at them, probably because they
only have one eye....... or, you know. Whatever
FRY: Jeez Leela, its just a bit of fun
LEELA: Well not to everyone it isn't, fantasies aren't something to be taken
lightly, or to be lived out in a cheesy run down amusement park, if my idea
of fun is sitting on a bench, then thats what I'll do.
FRY: Fine Leela, whatever you want, I'll be back later after I've lived out
my wildest fantasies.
LEELA: Yeah, bye
(It cuts to the Planet express office, the crew minus cubert are sitting watching
TV, the doorbell rings)
FARNSWORTH: Who could that be at this time of afternoon? War slave! Get the
AMY: For the last time professor, I am NOT a war slave. O.k?
FARNSWORTH: Oh alright you whiney war slave I'll get it
(He goes to answer the door, he opens it to discover Wernstrum)
WERNSTRUM: Getting up to answer the door these days are you Professor? I'm
surprised your not living off a life support machine yet
FARNSWORTH: Just because I can't open jars anymore doesn't mean I couldn't
give you a damn good glaring
WERNSTRUM: Don't worry pathetic old man, I'm not here to steal the plans for
your latest deathclock, you don't need to worry about me
FARNSWORTH: Who told you about my death clock?
(he turns to the window, where the dove is sitting)
FARNSWORTH: Was it you Leela?!
WERNSTRUM: Enough inane chatter with that wing-ed employee of yours, I'm here
to take whats rightfully mine
FARNSWORTH: I won that dead presidents collectors plate fair and square!
WERNSTRUM: This isn't about the plate you idiot
FARNSWORTH: Its not?
WERNSTRUM: No, this is about my son cubert!
AMY: Son?! But e looks exactly like the professor when he was younger
WERNSTRUM: Well Farnsworth obviously genetically altered him to look like his
own clone, but really he's my son of an affair I had when I was merely 110,
and I went down to the hospital and got the birth certificate to prove it
(He hands the certificate to Hermes, Hermes looks at the back)
HERMES: Copied by copy-mat?
WERNSTRUM: They're branching out
(He snatches the certificate back)
FARNSWORTH: *Sigh* I'll go and get him
(he trudges off and walks back with cubert)
CUBERT: And so this other old guy is my father?
FARNSWORTH: I'm afraid so
CUBERT: Well, he is younger than you, lets go then dad
FARNSWORTH: Remember me as I am Cubert
(There is a crack)
FARNSWORTH: There goes the spine
WERNSTRUM: Lets go 'son'. And take your experiment with you. It can be our
little father son project
(He gives an evil look as the two of them walk out to sinister music, when
they are gone, the professor sits down and mopes)
FARNSWORTH: He was the only clone I ever had! What am I going to eat if we
get trapped in a place with no food?
ZOIDBERG: I could be your replacement clone, you'd only have to feed and walk
me 7 times a day, and I could be just like the last one look! 'your not qualified
for your job mr medical doctor person, I found those bodies under your surgery
Dr zoidberg....... uh, I mean Zoobug.
FARNSWORTH: Thankyou for the effort, but if you keep on, I'll have you killed
ZOIDBERG: I could get out my shadow puppet book, remember the one I bought
myself from you for my birthday?
HERMES: Your not helping you stupid crab, go crawl under a rock
ZOIDBERG: Whatever you say
(He scuttles off wooping)
FARNSWORTH: I tried to be a good biological original, but I suppose it was
never meant to be
AMY: Well if you're sure you cloned him, how can Cubert be his son?
FARNSWORTH: It was printed on a copy-mat form, you think copy-mat would dare
allow forgery or lies? George Bush junior's head works there!
HERMES: Well, enough blabbing. Who wants some nice prune salad while zoidberg's
FARNSWORTH: Very well, perhaps a steady bowel movement is what I need to get
this behind me
AMY: Ugh! Pukarama
(it cuts to Wernstrum and Cubert in his workshop)
WERNSTRUM: It looks like you've already built most of it, so you just go ahead
and finish it. I'll be watching 'Elzar's when good chefs commit suicide'
CUBERT: Excuse me, I didn't go from one old fool to another so I could do all
the work myself, I want full funding and a whole team of interns working for
WERNSTRUM: Ha! You think I would have hired you to come and work here if I
was going to pay you? I would have just stolen your idea!
CUBERT: You would never have made my idea work if you hadn't of got the person
who knew how to execute it right.
WERNSTRUM: Exactly 'Son', now get to work. Oh and if you try to escape, my
guard-bots will you glue you to the spot! Ah ha ha ha ha ha!
CUBERT: You won't get away with this!
WERNSTRUM: Oh I'm not senile enough to fall for that old line, theres nothing
you can do to stop me! I'm all powerful!
(He turns to walk away)
WERNSTRUM: Guards! Fill up my hot-water bottle!
(It cuts to the fantasy planet, Leela sits on a bench as an old blob man crawls
closer and closer to her)
BLOB: Why if I were twenty years younger, I'd probably have the sense to not
try and seduce you.
(Leela turns around to speak)
BLOB: Gaah! Your a one-eye!
LEELA: Theres no need to be rude, you perverted old pile of slime
BLOB: I wouldn't even sleep with you in your wildest dreams!
LEELA: No, you wouldn't. But its time to find out what would happen.
BLOB: I don't think they sell eyes here
LEELA: I'll kick your ass when I get back
(She walks over to the queue for the fantasy tunnel, the crazy old lady in
the pink dressing gown is in front)
LEELA: Could I cut in front? I'm awaiting my destiny
OLD LADY: Sorry lady, but I'm awaiting a date with Harold Zoid, in a bath of
(licks her lips) potato salad
(It cuts back to the PE Office)
HERMES: In today's business, the entire shipment of lemons has gone missing.
This would account for Zoidberg's lemon style-shoes, his lemon style gloves,
his lemon style hat and his lemon style 'lemon glasses'
ZOIDBERG: Everyones wearing them, I swear!
FARNSWORTH: Oh enough about lemons. Can't I just all spend the day moping around
and wishing our life was better.
HERMES: Well I hope you and zoidberg will at least dress differently
ZOIDBERG: I stole MY jacket from a dentist!
(the video-phone rings)
FARNSWORTH: The ringing started again. Someone hit me over the head with a
(Amy switches on the phone)
CUBERT: Hello? Professor?
FARNSWORTH: Cubert! What are you doing on my videophone!
CUBERT: I'm ringing you from Wernstrum's lab, I have to keep very quiet or
he'll catch me.
CUBERT: Look, it was all a trick, the birth certificate wasn't real. He's not
my father. It was all so he could keep me here and force me to finish my project
so e could take credit for it at the scientist's symposium tomorrow night.
FARNSWORTH: So you want to come back after all?
CUBERT: Look, just get me out of here. I've gotta go, the professor's coming
back with his salmon sandwiches
(The phone cuts off, cubert's picture disappears)
FARNSWORTH: Good news everyone! Two of you are going to go on a rescue mission!
Amy, I believe you're the most nimble.
AMY: Guh! No chance! I have a date with kiff
FANRSWORTH: Oh dear, Well then. Hermes, Zoidberg, it looks like you two will
be saving Hubert
HERMES: Hubert is your name
FARNSWORTH: What? Who? I never said Hubert
HERMES: anyway, there's no way I'm going anywhere on a rescue mission with
(it cuts to night, zoidberg and Hermes sneak past a security gate wearing all
ZOIDBERG: Wow! I feel like the guy in that movie
HERMES: Just shut up and follow me. I don't know why the professor even asked
you to come along
ZOIDBERG: Perhaps for my charm and negotiating skills
HERMES: Negotiating skills?!
ZOIDBERG: Remember I negotiated with that man for me to not die
HERMES: That was when you were mugged, he got all your money and you fainted.
ZOIDBERG: You can't make an omlette without sitting on a couple of eggs
HERMES: That reminds me. Will you stop stealing my eggs and sitting on them
ZOIDBERG: My budget won't let me buy a cushion.
GUARD: Hey, what was that! Who's there?
ZOIDBERG: (whispering) Is that the one we take back to the professor?
HERMES: No, you bumbling idiot
(The guard walks off)
ZOIDBERG: Is black my colour? Perhaps I should have brought long some lemons
HERMES: We're at the window now, you just need to give me a boost so I can
ZOIDBERG: How do I know you won't just push me straight through the window?
HERMES: I'll be the one going through!
ZOIDBERG: Oh, so now zoidberg's the one doing all the work!
HERMES: Just lift me up
(Zoidberg lifts him up to the window)
HERMES: Whatever you do, don't drop me
ZOIDBERG: Stop your yapping, you sound like one of my patients
(Hermes slides in through the window)
CUBERT: Oh god they sent you?! Well it could have been worse.....
(Zoidberg falls onto Hermes)
ZOIDBERG: Have no fear zoidberg is here!
CUBERT: Lets go.
(A floating guard bot spies them from the other end of the room)
GUARD-BOT: Intruder alert! Intruder alert! Prepare the prison baskets
ZOIDBERG: Did someone say baskets?
CUBERT: Run! And carry me too!
(Hermes picks up Cubert and jumps out of the window)
ZOIDBERG: Hermes! You forgot me!
(he turns around to face the guard-bot)
GUARD-BOT: Give yourself up, there will be no escapes from Wernstrum labs
ZOIDBERG: But THEY just escaped!
GUARD-BOT: There will be no MORE escapes from Wernstrum Labs
ZOIDBERG: These baskets don't have any food in them do they?
(the bot shoots a laser, zoidberg quickly picks up a mirror and reflects it
back, the bot is destroyed, three other bots come out of hatches)
ZOIDBERG: So, is this where it all ends for the mighty Zoidberg?
Hermes: (offscreen) Just climb out the window you stupid crab!
(Zoidberg quickly stumbles out of the window)
ZOIDBERG: What say we go to Elzar's and you buy us a hero's meal?
HERMES: Get your own meal you scrounging urchin
CUBERT: I didn't have you rescue me so we could stand around arguing, now take
ZOIDBERG: I suppose now I'm a hero, I should learn to avoid the media blitz.
Perhaps just a few talkshows.
HERMES: Your full of hot air zoidberg. And besides you learned to avoid the
media when those human kidneys were found in your freezer
ZOIDBERG: No comment.
(It cuts to Leela standing at the entrance for the fantasy tunnel)
DOOR-MAN: O.k lady, your turn, no flash photography.
LEELA: Me? Now? Are you sure its my turn
DOOR-MAN: *Sigh* Why do I get this with every single woman
(he turns on a giant fan which blows her inside. Leela gets up and rubs her
head to discover herself in a NNY street, she gets up and starts walking)
LEELA: Well, the city hasn't changed
(She walks past an alley with a man standing in it, back turned to her, he
is struggling with something, then we hear a pop)
LEELA: Excuse me sir, are you alright?
(The man turns around to reveal that one of his eye sockets is empty, and he
is holding an eye in his hand)
MAN: Much better now Leela
MAN: But its what you wanted. You didn't want to be an outcast
LEELA: Will you please just stop scratching yourself with that eye
MAN: Sorry, I forgot that all men should be obeying your orders at every moment
(Leela moans with fear and runs away, she finds that everyone she passes only
has one eye, they all wink at her and offer her their free eye as she runs past
screaming, she bumps into Zapp Brannigan who has two eyes still)
LEELA: Zapp! You still have two eyes!
ZAPP: Huh? Oh, its you, listen, I'm not interested in you anymore, go away
LEELA: Please Zapp, I need your help out of here. Your the only one who still
has both they're eyes.
ZAPP: Now why would I want to help a pathetic one eyed loser like you? Get
(Leela walks off, depressed, she comes to a bad neighbourhood and sees a fat
hobo lying in a doorway, on closer examination she sees that it's Amy)
LEELA: Amy! What are you doing out here?
AMY: Like you don't know Leela. Guys hated me because you were so much more
desirable, I never got any dates and sat at home eating water flavoured ice
cream and wishing I had 2 eyes
LEELA: Two eyes? What are you talking about?
(Amy turns her face to reveal that she is identical to Leela. Leela screams
and looks in the mirror to see that she now looks exactly like Amy)
AMY: Now you got exactly what you wanted
(Leela runs away crying, she runs the first building with an open door, she
sees fry lying on the floor, with millions of parasites all crawling into his
FRY: Leela! Look!
LEELA: Fry! What are you doing?!
FRY: I'm becoming more intelligent for you. In fact I'm changing m whole life
so I can become exactly what you want. I know thats what you've always wished
LEELA: But what about Bender?
FRY: Bender can't bring you happiness! Thats why we had him destroyed
LEELA: You killed Bender?!
FRY: Well, he wouldn't change to suit your needs, so if he wouldn't comply,
then there was no need for him in Your planet
LEELA: I didn't want any of this! Why are you doing this?!
(She falls on the floor crying as the floor opens her up and swallows her She
suddenly wakes up in a bed on the PE Ship. Bender is sitting by her)
BENDER: (Shouting to Fry) Hey she's awake now
LEELA: Bender! You're alive!
(Bender burps fire. Fry walks into the room, banging his head on the door-frame)
LEELA: Fry, you're still dumb!
FRY: Duuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuh. I'll think of a comeback later, when I ask Cubert
LEELA: Where am I?
FRY: We're on the ship, this is your room Leela. I found you at the end of
the tunnel, you were passed out, so after screaming and panicking for a while,
I carried you back to the ship and put you in bed. How's your Egg and salt juice?
(Leela spits out what she was drinking)
FRY: Its all we had left. So anyway how was your fantasy?
LEELA: Fantasies aren't all they're cracked up to be. I like reality a lot
FRY: Want to hear about my fantasy?
FRY: Well I was wearing this space suit, and this giant monkey started throwing
barrels at me, so I got in my laser ship, and I was like 'pow pow pow!' and
then one of the monkey's arms was like 'BANG! Sqeulch!'. And then he brought
on his evil lpa dancers wearing electric thongs and I was like........
(Leela smiles at Fry as he drones on and lays back, pretending to be interested.
The scene cuts to that night at the scientist's symposium)
FARNSWORTH: Cubert, I'm so glad You came back
CUBERT: Well, I must admit, you are moderately less annoying than the other
HERMES: So Zoidberg, where's your invention?
ZOIDBERG: The eggshell belt? I sat on it by mistake
(He puts his face in hid claws crying)
HERMES: You are unbelievably stupid
(Fry, Leela and Bender enter and sit on the table with the other)
FARNSWORTH: You made it! Leela where are your wings?
AMY: How was the fantasy planet?
FRY: It was sooooooo cool!
LEELA: (Smiling weakly) Yeah
FARNSWORTH: You got here just in time, cubert's just about to make his presentation
CUBERT: Wish me luck, everyone
(They all mumble good luck)
FARNSWORTH: O.k now Cubert remember to smile at the end, and make sure what
you're presenting isn't what you presented for the last 5 years
CUBERT: Yeah, I know, I'm not quite as senile as you yet Dad
CUBERT: Oh, I mean erm, Professor
HOST: And now for our youngest participant, by a hundred years. Its Cubert
(Cubert walks up to the stand)
CUBERT: Ladies and gentlemen I present to you, the first fully working perpetual
motion device. Although many of you thought it wasn't possible, with my genius
mind I realised that if I just.....
(Cubert's voice drones into the background)
FARNSWORTH: Look at him up there, I'm so proud. That is him up there isn't
AMY: YES Professor, its cubert, he's talking about some boring machine he made
FARNSWORTH: Ah, I see
(Farnsworth falls asleep)
AMY: So anyway Leela, I was at the bar and these two REALLY cute guys came
up to me. I mean they were like totally coming onto me, but I was like 'Uh,
As though. I have a boyfriend thankyou' but they like kept coming, it was so
LEELA: Thats great Amy
(Cubert's voice comes back in again)
CUBERT: And thats my presentation
(everyone claps and he walks off)
HOST: And before we give out the awards we have one more presentation that
under rules, we do have to listen to. Its Professor Farnsworth and his death-clock.
(The professor walks up slowly to some weak clapping)
FARNSWORTH: I'm sure most of you here will be suprised to learn that this yearI
won't be presenting a death clock
(The crowd gasps)
FARNSWORTH: Instead, I am oing to present something that actually has a chance
of winning. My clone
(The crowd starts to mumble amongst themselves)
FARNSWORTH: My clone Cubert is the most intelligent inventive person i've ever
met. He reminds me of a young me, and thats because he IS. Today cubert unveiled
what was probably - I don't know I was asleep - the best invention out of everyones.
So I am proud to say that I brought this great-minded inventive genius to life,
and I am proud to call him my son.
(The crowd cheers)
FRY: I'm just gonna go to the bathroom
BENDER: Hey, when you're there d'you think you could mention my name to that
machine that hangs on the wall by the door.
FRY: The hand-drier?
BENDER: Just what kind of robot do you think I am?!
FRY: A perverted one?
BENDER: Yeah, alright, the hand-drier will do
HOST: Now before we announce this year's winner, we have a very special award
to give out. The best dressed award. And the winner is.......................
Dr. Zoidberg! For his lemon hat!
(Zoidberg points to himself looking suprised and then runs up to the stand)
ZOIDBERG: First of all I'd like to thank my good friends. Oh I had a speech
written in my own ink, but I seem to have lost it. Anyway, follow your dreams
and steal company supplies like I did, and you too can win such a prestigious
award. I'll put this proudly next to my second place Afghan and my medical degree
that I drew in crayon.
(He walks down from the podium)
HOST: And now the winner for best invention is......... Professor Farnsworth
for his genius clone
FARNSWORTH: WHAT? Did Wernstrum win again?
AMY: No professor, you won!
FARNSWORTH: Oh. Do I have to getup again?
(He mumbles something under his breath and walks up to thepodium)
FARNSWORTH: Next year I'll have invented an entire race of giant dragons which
will have wiped out the entire human race! So just watch your backs! (starts
muttering crazily) Why, I'll have them all burnt, and there'll be screaming.
(He is showed off the stage by Fry and Leela)
HOST: Thankyou professor, I think we can safely say that you'll be banned from
next year's event. Anyway, if you'd like to move into the bar, there's complimentry
prune juice for everybody.
FRY: Shall we go get some juice?
HERMES: Pfffft, amateurs. They don't know the meaning of prune juice
CUBERT: Well done on the award professor, although it was a cheap way for leeching
credit for my genius
FARNSWORTH: What? What award? Where's my death clock?
(The old blob man from earlier is sitting near Leela)
BLOB MAN: well well well. If it isn't the cyclops beauty from fantasy planet.
(Leela punches him, sending him flying)
AMY: I wouldn't get so picky Leela, he was the best man looking at you all
(They walk off, Hermes and zoidberg follow)
HERMES: I don't want to hear any more zoidberg
ZOIDBERG: But FOX will love it! Conrad and Zoidberg, the crime busting duo!
HERMES: I'm not listening to you anymore
ZOIDBERG: Were you going to eat that gum on your shoe?
THE END, thanks for reading, assuming anyone did.