Futurama

Fan Fiction

War Were Declared
By Rush

Opening Caption: Universe Ranabend.

[Scene: South Street Spaceport. Kif and Zapp check off the new recruits as they board the Nimbus. Leela, Hermes, Amy and Farnsworth follow Bender and Fry as they carry their bags towards the ship.]

Farnsworth: 'Now be careful, Fry. And if you kill anyone, make sure to eat their heart, to gain their courage. Their rich, tasty courage.

[He licks his lips.]

Hermes: 'I don't want you to worry about your jobs while you're away. That's why I'm firing you now.

[He hands them their pink slips then turns away and starts to cry.]

Leela: 'I wanna enlist. My friends always die if I'm not there to save them.

Zapp: 'Sorry, but the army's instituted a men-only policy.

Leela: 'What?

Zapp: 'It's shameful, I agree. In the olden days, I proudly fought alongside female troops, shoulder to, uh, shoulder. Alas, after a series of deadly blunders caused by distracting low-cut fatigues and lots of harmless pinching, the army decided women weren't fit for service. Not when I'm in charge.

Leela: 'You know, Zapp, someone ought to teach you a lesson.

Zapp: 'If it's a lesson in love, watch out; I suffer from a very sexy learning disability. What do I call it, Kif?

[Kif sighs.]

Kif: "Sex-lexia".

Zapp: 'That's the one. Yes, as for you Leela, I may make an exception for you joining the army.

Leela: 'Not that I'd not want to inspire and represent women everywhere, but there's a catch to this isn't there? (thinking) Like me to have … sex with you again.

Zapp: 'Oh no, catch.

Leela: 'Well ... thank you I guess. (thinking) What the hell is wrong with him? Be careful he may be planning something.

[Time Lapse. The last soldiers board the ship, the boarding gangways are removed and the ship takes off.]

Scene: Nimbus Briefing Room. Zapp stands on a platform before the troops. The Earth flag hangs behind him.

Zapp: 'Men, you're lucky men. Soon you'll all be fighting for your planet. Many of you will be dying for your planet. A few of you will be forced through a fine mesh screen for your planet. They will be the luckiest of all.

[To Fry, Leela and Bender among other recruits.]

Bender: 'Great, we're gonna die.

Fry: 'And this ham gum is all bones.

[He spits it out.]

Leela: (thinking) 'From the bones of dead soldiers?

Zapp: 'Now to present the logistics of our mission, the Commander-in-Chief. Please welcome the original Gerber Baby, Earth President Richard M. Nixon.

[Kif sits Nixon's head in a jar on a stool.]

Nixon: 'This is the brass ring, fellas. [Kif presses a button, the lights dim and a holographic image of a planet appears above the soldiers.] Planet Spheron One!

Fry: 'Cool effect!

Zapp: 'It's a desolate, ugly little planet with absolutely no natural resources or strategic value. Questions?

Soldier #1: 'Why is this Godforsaken planet worth dying for?

Leela: 'Yeah! Why?

Zapp: 'Leela, your are an ex... ex.... exper-exper. (quietly to Kif ) Kif, help me out here?

[Kif sighs.]

Kif: 'Experimental.

Zapp: 'Yes, experimental program to rep-rep represent women, and here in my army you woman are not allowed to speak your mind unless asked to.

Leela: [saluting] 'Aye sir. (thinking) You sexist bastard. [She notices a few dozen guys staring at her in places like her chest and behind, some which even drool, saying such things like "Check out the meat on her" "Look at that fine ass and pair of boobs on that alien woman Humanoid", "I'd love to give her the old".] (thinking) Maybe this was a bad idea.

Fry: 'So uh, just so we'll know, who's the enemy?

Zapp: 'A valid question. [The lights come back on.] We know nothing about their language, their history or what they look like. But we can assume this: They stand for everything we don't stand for. Also, they told me you guys look like dorks.

Bender: 'They look like dorks!

[He waves his fists around and Fry holds him back.]

Scene: Nimbus Training Room. Zapp, Kif and Nixon watch the soldiers train on gym equipment.]

[Time Lapse. The soldiers drop a little water onto some green blobs and they inflate into tents. Fry swallows his green blob, and picks up a glass of water which Leela slaps out of his hand, smashing it.]

Leela: 'Fry, you idiot! Don't you realize you could of choked to death? Now spit that out! [Fry spits out the green blob into his right hand. Zapp walk up to them.]

Zapp: 'What's this? A woman harassing a man, what are you planing? Starting a Lesbian Nazi party bent on the genocide of the male sex, and use clone and gene splicing to reproduce without men?

Leela: 'What?! No! I wouldn’t even think of that.

Fry: 'Sir, she wasn't harassing me.

Zapp: 'Oh, carry on then. Kif, for god's sake go mop up the glass and water on the floor.

[kif sighs.]

Leela: 'No, I'll do it. [kif smiles.]

Zapp: 'Oh, alright then. [He walks off.]

[Time Lapse. The soldiers learn to assemble their guns. Bender quickly does his but attaches his arm to it as well. He groans.]

[Time Lapse. Fry puts on a helmet that obscures his vision and holds a lightsaber. Kif releases a hovering piñata and it buzzes around Fry. Fry swings for it, misses a few times and chops it in half. candy fall out of it and the other soldiers scoop them up off the floor and eat them. Fry looks around in confusion.]

[Time Lapse. An exhausted Fry and Bender sit out the obstacle course. The soldiers run past them, through tyres and tunnels, under barbed wire and through the ring of fire. Leela is way ahead of the rest of the soldiers.

Fry: 'Way to go Leela! [She finishes the obstacle course.]

[It takes a minute or two before the rest of the soldiers pass the finish line and Kif splits a stopwatch.]

Kif: 'Well Leela, is better than everyone.

Zapp: (angrily) 'Outrageous, a woman, better than all the men at an obstacle course?

Kif: 'Like you were any good at the obstacle course?

Zapp: '…..... That's not that the point.

Kif: (thinking) 'You're sexist that's the point.

[Zapp walks towards Leela sitting with Fry and Bender.]

Zapp: 'Leela!

Leela: [standing up and saluting] 'Yes sir?

Zapp: 'What the hell, were you doing?! Finishing the obstacle course before every man.

Leela: 'Oh, I see since because I'm a "woman" means I have to slow down and let the men win.

Zapp: 'Exactly! Now these men, are now gonna be jealous and think you're better than them and it will effect morale.

Leela: 'Ask them yourself?

Zapp: 'Men, do you--

All The Recruits: 'No!

Zapp: 'You win this time. One question, though do you think women are better than men?

Leela: 'No, we're equal.

Zapp: 'Right. Can I take a video of you having a shower?

Leela: 'No.

Zapp: 'Aww. Can I watch you?

Leela: 'No.

Zapp: 'Can I have sex with you again then?

Leela: 'No.

Zapp: (crying) 'Why must you say "no" to everything I ask you! [He runs off.]

Scene: Nimbus Mess Hall. Zapp holds a pair of binoculars. He looks at Leela, sitting at a table with Fry and Bender and he zooms in.]

Zapp: (sexfully) 'Hello!

[Nixon sits with Zapp at the table. Kif pours wine into Zapp's glass and then pours some into Nixon's jar. He slurps it.]

Nixon: 'Mmm! Now that's a nice rosé. So, anyway, we open up the panda crate and, wouldn't you know it, the damn thing's dead! Up-chucked it's bamboo. True story.

[Zapp continues to look through the binoculars.]

Zapp: 'Uh-huh, uh-huh. That's whatever you were talking about for you.

[Cut over to the table. With Leela looking a little angry.]

Fry: 'You OK Leela?

Leela: (quietly) 'Zapp's looking at me with a pair of binoculars, and so are a lot guys in this very room. [On many tables guys look in Leela's direction.]

Hick Soldier: 'So, Fry do you got a special lady back home?

Bender: 'Many.

Fry: 'Well, [He looks at Leela briefly, who's smiles her eye lighting up .] um, that's a rather personal question.

Hick Soldier: [Not noticing] 'Ah, you needed not share.

Leela: (whispering in Fry's hear) 'It's me, isn't it? [Fry nods.] We'll talk about this later. Just know that I approve. [Fry smiles.]

[An alarm goes off and everyone runs off.]

Scene: Nimbus Briefing Room. The soldiers are in full battle uniform and holding their guns.]

Nixon: 'We are now in position above Spheron One. This is the moment we were training for all yesterday afternoon.

Zapp: 'And now for the battle plan: As you all know, the key to victory is the element of surprise. Surprise!

[He presses a big red button and the floor beneath the soldiers opens up.]

[Cut to: Spheron One Surface. The Nimbus is a few metres off the ground and the soldiers land in a heap. The floor closes up again.]

[Time Lapse. The soldiers stand alone on the vast planet surface. The terrain is rocky and the sky is green.]

Fry: 'It's creepy here.

Soldier #1: 'This is the worst part. The calm before the battle.

Fry: 'And then the battle's not so bad?

Soldier #1: 'Oh, right. I forgot about the battle.

[He whimpers. The ground begins to shake and there is a loud banging sound.]

Fry: 'What's happening?

Hick: 'Holy shoot! Lookie!

[Hundreds of pink balls bounce towards them.]

Fry: 'The enemy! They're balls! [Bender craps a brick.]

[Leela takes out an automatic grenade launcher out from her backpack (the only soldier with a backpack) looking exactly like the grenade launcher from "James Bond: Goldeneye: Game", she fires at the balls taking out dozens of balls with each grenade exploding in a plasma explosion the moment it hits the ground or a ball, provided additionally with the soldiers firing their standard DOOP blaster rifles at the balls. The balls are being slaughtered, cut to Bender firing at the balls, his gun clicks.

Bender: 'Need to reload. [He winds a handle on the side of his gun and it plays Pop Goes The Weasel as it charges, he thorows the gun onto the ground.] Aw, screw it! [He picks up his brick and throws it at one of the few remaining balls, which bursts it (killing it). None of the balls even reach them, thus no soldiers were killed or injured.

Fry: 'Well, that was quick? Is the war over already?

Hick: 'I doubt it.

Bender: 'Leela, where the hell did you get that awesome gun? I want one!

Leela: 'Uhhhh, Zapp gave it to me. (thinking) Kif gave it. [Brief flash back of Kif handing Leela the grenade launcher along a corridor on board the Nimbus.] The the army really needs up to date guns like; proper blaster rifles, laser mini gun or laser machine guns to provide suppression fire against the enemy, rocket launcher against armoured units, laser sniper rifles for long range combat, along with proper armour with built in regenerative force fields for us infantry like from Halo or Mass Effect.

Hick: 'Hell yeah! We need more bigger space ships than just the Nimbus. And some God damn hand grenades.

Bender: 'Also we need tanks, artillery from both land and orbit from space ships, and air support.

Hick: 'And let women in the army along with other alien races that are apart of the DOOP.

[Zapp sat on the horse which is standing on a hovering platform and he is carrying a sword hovers towards Leela.]

Zapp: 'Leela! What the hell were you doing!

Hick: 'Sir if I might interject--

Zapp: 'Don't interrupt me soldier, anyway because of you Leela none of our soldiers was killed or injured due to your unauthorised weapon, which gave you an unfair advantage over the enemy.

Leela: 'Kif, gave it to me.

Zapp: 'Oh sorry Leela you were just following orders. [Turning to Kif.] Kif, what were you thinking?

Kif: 'Uh--

Zapp: 'Now because of you our medics will have no work since no-one was injured, and because no body got killed there's gonna be no bones for "Big Pink Gum"! Think about that. Now, let's return to camp.

Scene: DOOP Camp. The DOOP soldiers are seen returning to camp.

Zoidberg: [wearing a light blue medic uniform is shouting at Leela outside Tent Four (medic's tent)] 'Damn you Leela! Because of you I've got no patients.

[Time Lapse.]

Scene: Nimbus Briefing Room. Zapp stands on a platform before the troops along with Nixon's head in a jar on a stool, with Kif near by slightly behind to the left.

Cut to: Fry, Leela and Bender.

Bender: 'Ah, you stink Leela.

Leela: 'Well, it's kinda hard to shower since your the only woman and almost every man is staring at you.

Bender: 'I guess.

Zapp: 'We will go over our new battle plan. We split up into teams all over the planet and--

Leela: 'That sounds stupid. [All the soldiers nod and agree.] The enemy could ambush us, and kill many of us.

Zapp: 'Fine, what do you suggest then?

Leela: 'Why won't we just fly the Nimbus over to the Leaders, capture them and threaten to kill them if they don't end the war and hand over the planet to us?

Zapp: 'That's--

Nixon: 'Now Zapp, this could end the war quickly.

Zapp: 'But there's no glory in that and--

Nixon: 'We're doing what she suggested. [Zapp narrows his eyes at Leela.]

Zapp: 'I hope your happy Leela! I'm getting loads of complaints on how to improve the army because of you.

Scene: Outside The Brain Ball Headquarters. The Nimbus along with 6 helicopters (Tandem rotors: military transport helicopters) flies towards the Brain Ball Headquarters the Nimbus firing lasers and rockets at the balls, while each helicopters has a man firing a laser mini gun (laser chain gun, firing laser rapidly) out of the side of the helicopter down below at the balls slaughtering them. Within a few seconds a white flag comes out from the roof of the Brain Ball Headquarters.

[A helicopter lands just outside the Brain Ball Headquarters.]

Scene: Brain Ball Headquarters. Inside are the three Brain Balls, Fry, Leela, and Bender enter along with the Hick soldier and a few others.

Leela: 'Let the forced negotiations begin.

Bender: 'Surrender, end the war and give us your planet or we'll kill yah!

Brain Ball #1: 'Deal. The war is over, our home world is yours.

Fry: 'Alright! Hey, wait a minute! This is your home planet? We're the evil, invading aliens?

Brain Ball #2: 'Correct.

Leela: 'I feel bad now.

Bender: 'Then I guess you learned a valuable lesson: Don't mess with Earth.

Brain Ball #3: 'May you bounce in peace. Now, let's go find ourselves a new planet to live on.

Bender: 'Get the hell off my planet.

[Cut to: Outside Brain Ball Headquarters. The balls on the surface bounce and fly off the surface and away from the planet.]

[Newspaper Headline: "Flawless War Over No One Killed Or Injured! Balls Thoroughly Licked!" underneath Zapp Brannigan has resigned, new head general Kif has been working on issues and complaints in the army, soon we will have a far better DOOP than ever. Under that "Big Pink Gum" out of business.]

Scene: Planet Express: Lounge. Fry, Leela and Bender back in the their normal clothes (Bender wearing nothing as usual), sit on the couch watching the news on TV with Linda and Morbo.

Fry: 'It's good to be back in our old jobs. [Bender hands Fry a small white box.] What's this?

Bender: 'Sperm Regeneration Pills, should make you fertile again without the help of worms from an egg salad sandwich from a truck-stop men's room.

Leela: 'When did this happen?

Bender: 'When I aimed the F-Ray at his thingy between his legs when we were looking for the winning bottle cap of Slurm. But at any rate those should fix the problem, if that don't work you can always use cloning or gene splicing to have a baby. Since, you'll two being together and whatever.

Leela: 'How do you know this?

Bender: 'I have very good hearing when I want to hear something, I heard you two talking about your feelings and whatever a few times when we were heading home. Anyway I see you had a shower Leela.

Leela: 'Yes, state the obvious.

Morbo: [On TV] 'And that is why I hate all Humans and want them to be annihilated, Linda.

Linda: [On TV] 'In other news, the DOOP has drastically improved it's military in all fields of combat and tactics, and in relationships with other alien species. Aliens and women are now allowed to join the military, our soldiers are better equipped with better guns and power armour with built in regenerative force fields, provided with tanks, air, and artillery support from both orbit from space and land, along with the mass production of bigger and better space ships than the Nimbus, along with other DOOP member alien races contributing their weapon and space ships to the DOOP. Kif Kroker, even promised there will be far less lives of soldiers lost at war when he's in charge, because he actually cares for the lives of his men, but let's hear from Kif Kroker himself.

The End.

Buddies