Fan Fiction

The Calm Before Anomaly's Beast Within Reveals Itself, part 1
By Rush

Picks up a bit after what happened in Universe Jumping Bender, part 5 when Bender changed history in "The Beast With A Billion Backs" by falling from the sky landing on Colleen when she first met Fry, and then Bender told Fry to make his move on Leela, changing history in such away Fry and Leela had gotten together...but right now there's other things a foot.

Scene: Planet Express: Lounge. Hermes, Farnsworth, and Bender are sitting on the couch watching TV. Zoidberg is lying on the floor.

Morbo: (on TV) 'It has now been one month since space ripped open [An picture of the Anomaly comes up on screen.] like flimsy human skin. Terrified earthlings are beginning to grow exhausted.

Cut to: New New York Street. Hattie, Mayor Poopenmeyer, and a third person stand on a pavement pointing skyward screaming. They yawn, and Hattie smokes, then resume screaming.

Cut to: Planet Express: Lounge.

Hermes: 'Professor, sprinkle us with wisdom from your mighty brain. How scared should we be?

Farnsworth: 'Somewhere between not at all and entirely.

Zoidberg: 'I call entirely.

[He jumps up and screams, upsetting the coffee table. Scuttling off whooping]

Morbo: (on TV) 'Scientists believe the rip is a gateway to another universe, but do not know what mysteries lie beyond. However, in this reporter's opinion, (shouting) gruesome death awaits us all!

Linda: (on TV) [Laughing] 'And now with the weather, here's WeatherBot 5000.

[WeatherBot 5000 looks like some sort of vending machine on wheels, with pictures of all kinds of Weather types and famous Weather Reporters.]

WeatherBot 5000: 'All weather reports canceled.

Cut to: Attic. Farnsworth stands in front of a console. Zoidberg, Hermes, Amy, and Kiff watch.]

Farnsworth: 'To better understand the anomaly, I will not focus it's radiation on a giant medium-sized Soldier Termite to see what happens.

[Pull back to reveal a large Soldier Termite is in a cage.]

Soldier Termite: 'What's going on here? I was told there would be wood.

Farnsworth: 'Quiet, you.

[Farnsworth pulls a lever. A large magnifying glass unfolds and focuses the rays. Farnsworth's head is in the way. He screams. Zoidberg pushes the lever down, sprays ink on Farnsworth's burning head, putting it out. The door opens behind them, Fry and Leela walk in.

Bender: 'Well if isn't freak eye, and short sausage link awakened caveman. We're have you been?

Fry: 'At home in bed having se--

[Leela elbows him.]

Leela: 'Talking! (whispering) Don't tell them, are personal life.

Fry: (whispering) 'Sorry.

Leela: (whispering) 'That's okay, I forgive you.

Bender: 'Hey I'm talking to you.

Leela: 'Yes, I can see that.

Bender: 'So, [He walks over to Leela and places his hand on her shoulder] (whispering) Is any good?

Leela: 'Yes no, and stop trying to get details about my personal life.

Bender: 'So he wasn't any good then? [Leela reaches behind Bender.]Hey, you what are you doing....you...can't....turn.....me...off...

[Bender's speech slows down and stops. His eye shield closes and he leans back.]

Leela: 'That should shut him up for awhile. [Fry puts his arms around her.](embarrassed) Fry, what are doing? Not here! [He draws close to Leela to kiss her.] (sexfully)Well, just one kiss then. [She closers her eye, moves her towards him to kiss him. But he dodges Leela's lips to briefly kiss her in the middle of her closed eye. In response to that Leela speaks in the softest voice you can imagine.] Oh Fry, I love you. That was so sweet, no ones ever did that before for me.

Amy: 'Speaking of sappy love ... wanna tell them Kiffy?

Kif: 'Yes, Amy and I have a big announcement. I ... That is, we ... [stammers] Oh, I'm just so excited.

Amy: 'Kif has asked me to be his Fonfon Ru.

Zoidberg: 'Mazel tov!

Farnsworth: 'Wonderful!

Hermes: 'What the Hell does that mean?

Kif: 'It means I've asked Amy to join my family. And you're all invited to my family swamp for our Fonfon Rubok ceremony.

Amy: 'If I had ever heard of it, it would have been what I had always dreamed of.

Kif: 'Oh! Oh! And our parents will be meeting for the first time ever.

[Leela turns Bender back on.]

Bender: 'Huh, what?....Get you're hand away from there! [Leela takes her hand away from behind him.] So, did I miss anything?

Leela: 'We'll tell you on the way.

Scene: Planet Express Ship in space approaching Amphibios 9. The ship lands on a platform that closes around it like a Venus Fly Trap. A flame burns through the plan in the outline of the forward landing leg, which lowers. Leela, wearing her black opera dress as in seen in "The Devil's Hands are Idol Playthings", blows out a torch. She descends, followed by Fry and Bender both wearing a tuxedo, and the rest all wearing formal wear.

Scene: Wong-Kroker Fonfon Rubok ceremony. Flying hookworms are gathering to the sound of bagpipes playing.

Kif: 'Oh, Mr. and Mrs. Wong, aren't you excited that we're all about to be joined in a single family?

Leo 'Wong: You can't borrow money.

[Inez Wong makes a annoyed grunt.]

Inez Wong: 'Kiff's parents come late and we have to stand around in swamp getting eaten alive by damn bugs.

[She slaps her neck.]

Kif: 'Mrs. Wong, no. The final stage of my species' life cycle is a colony of flying hookworms. You just squashed part of my father.

[The swarm of bugs coalesces into a sphere and forms an arm-like appendage to shake hands with the Wongs.]

Kif's Parent: 'Welcome.

Inez: 'Sorry. I guess you got plenty of bugs to spare though, huh?

Kif's Parent: 'That was my left testicle.

Bender: 'In any words that I can find, that must have been sickerly awkward.

Cut to: Fry and Leela sitting at a bar, drinking a smoothies each with straws, Fry's one is green while Leela's is yellow.]

Fry: 'Ew! [He places the smoothies down on table.] Tastes like mucus.

Leela: 'And you would know what that tastes like wouldn't you?

Fry: 'Uh...--

Leela: 'It's okay, but it's also disgusting. You shouldn't be mining up your nose.

Fry: 'Sorry. So, how's yours?

[Leela takes a drink, her eye widens; spits what she drank back into the smoothie.]

Leela: 'Plaat! I'm not gonna even tell what that tasted like.

Fry: 'What did it taste like?

Leela: 'Like one of the two things you do when nature calls.

Fry: 'Ew.

Leela: 'You know Fry, I had this strange feeling that you were gonna be with some blonde bimbo. [She laughs.] Isn't that ridiculous?

Fry: 'Yeah...ridiculous indeed. (thinking) Thank you Bender from the sky stopping me making biggest mistake in my life. (speaking) I'd never do that to you Leela.

Leela: 'I guess you wouldn't.

[She places her hand on his on the table.]

Fry: 'Leela?

Leela: 'Yes?

Fry: 'Well eerr....Not that I'm not in enjoining this time alone with you.. but shouldn't we be joining the others?

Leela: 'Yeah..let's go.

Cut to: Zapp hiding in some thick bushes watching Fry and Leela leave the bar.

Zapp: (quietly) 'Hmm, something going with them two, but I can't quite figure out what.

Cut to: Wong-Kroker Fonfon Rubok ceremony. Bagpipe amphib blows a note.

Kif: 'Ooh! Rubok is begun.

[Grand Priestess rises from the mud]

Grand Priestess: 'I am the Grand Priestess.

Fry: 'Aren't you also the grand midwife?

Grand Priestess: 'And the Grand lady. I work five jobs, all grand. Kiff of the clan Kroker, please trescend the Rubok Etlon with your Fonfon Smizmar Ru.

Kif: 'What?

Grand Priestess: 'Get in the mud.

[Kif and Amy step into the mud.]

Grand Priestess: 'This mud is the petroleum from a billion generations of Kif's ancestors. As you become one with the ooze, so you become one with the clan Kroker.

[The Grand Priestess taps her stick twice. The mud erupts and covers everyone.]

Amy: 'Oh, Kif, it's like a movie with this happening in it.

[Bagpipe amphib blows another note, pops into a cloud of hookworms]

Grand Priestess: 'Is the best man present?

Zapp: 'Guilty as charged.

Grand Priestess: 'Kindly hose the couple.

[Zapp hoses the mud off of Kif's face, then Amy's chest.]

Grand Priestess: 'As it was, so now it is. You may now eat the snake.[The Grand Priestess hands Kif and Amy a two headed snake. They both bite off a head and start chewing.] If you so choose. [Kif and Amy spit out the snake in disgust.] It's not part of the ceremony. I just had an extra snake. Rubok is complete. Throw the bouquet!

[Kiff pulls an organ from his belly. Everyone clamors. Kiff throws it, Zoidberg jumps high into the air swallowing it whole.]

Scene: Robot Arms Apartments: Late at night. Fry is grooming. He dips a comb in a jar of “Barb-O-Mite” and runs it through his hair. There is a buzzing and his hair is cut and styled.

Bender: 'Fry, run, run! Get over here oh, my God, oh, my God!

Cut to: Bender and Leela sitting down on the couch watching TV.

Fry: What? What is it?

Bender: 'Shut up already! Calculon's on TV.

[Fry sits down the couch, puts one arms round Leela, who leans into his chest.]

Monique: [on TV] 'I beg you, Calculon, don't ring that door chime.

Calculon: [on TV] 'I have no choice, Monique. Whoever the blackmailer is, he lives behind this hideous yet strangely familiar door.

Butler: [on TV] Calculon residence. Oh, hello, Mr. Calculon.

Calculon: [on TV] Son of a bit. This is my house. But that means I'm blackmailing myself. Why didn't you tell me, Monique?

Monique: [on TV] 'I tried to, but I couldn't. Oh Calulon, I'm afraid you have a fourth personality the other three don't know about, and it and I are lovers!

[Bender gasps.]

Bender: 'How's Calulon going to take this, Fry, especially after that humiliating tennis tournament? ... Fry? [He sees that Fry and Leela are making-out] (muttering) Oh yes, kissy kissy kissy, mmm ahh mmm ahh mmmm! (shouting) When are you two getting a place of you're own! You're starting to stink up the place.

[The two stop kissing, and stand up.]

Leela: 'Good idea. Let's go apartment hunting.

Scene: Sewer Apartment. The place is filthy, flooded with 2 feet deep of dirty water, filled with; garbage, dead animals, and other debris from the sewers, there is brownish marks on the moldly walls that has slime in parts, greenish liquid leaking from holes in the ceiling here and there, also it looks like it's the aftermath of party where everyone literally vomited.

[On the wall an rusty roundish door that looks like an submarine hatch opens, Sal wearing an anti-radiation suit walks in, followed by Leela and Fry, who he shows around. Leela's communicator starts beeping rapidly like a radiation meter.]

Leela: 'I'm reading 3 times above average radiation levels!

Sal: 'Well, sures, its nots one of thems la-de-da above-ground places, without the chances of radiation poisoning or mutation. Buts if yous likes; grimy, smelly, sticky, disgusting surroundings, where have to do a lot of work to fix up the places, this is the place for you.

Fry: 'Uhh um, I think we'll pass. This is even bad to my standers.

[There is loud squeak.]

Leela: 'What the Hell was that?!

Sal: 'It's mutated rats, I've seen it happen they look like green pigs with fins and bat like wings.

[There is a loud roar.]

Fry: 'What was that?!

Sal: 'Oh that's just El Chupanibre.

Leela: 'I don't care how cheap this place is! We're getting outtt here!

[Fry and Leela quickly leave, closing the door behind them.]

Scene: New New York City. On a pavement Leela forcefully pulls Fry along by the hand.

Fry: 'Ow! You're holding my hand to tight. Slow down!

Leela: 'Don't you understand?! You might of gotten radiation poisoning! So I'm getting you some radaway.

[The two enter an 7^11.]

Scene: Alleyway. An homeless man stands in front of a pile of cardboard boxes, Fry and Leela walks towards him whispering to each other.

Leela: (whispering) 'Why did we even come here?

Fry: 'I didn't actually think they really meant cardboard boxes.

Homeless Man: 'Want to buy cardboard box to live in?

Leela: 'No, we'll pass. [The two leave the alleyway, back on to the pavement.] Well, Bender's not gonna be happy.

Fry: 'Yeah, I know. We just got to get a place of are own.

Leela: 'We will,[She takes hold of his hand.]we will. [Fry picks his nose, she slaps him.] Fry, that's a filthy habit!

Fry: 'I'm sorry.

Leela: 'Use a tissue next time. Here.

[She hands him a tissue from her communicator.]

Fry: 'Thanks.[He blows his nose.]...Hey wait, Leela! Why can't we just move into your apartment?

Leela: 'Fry, not remember that my apartment was knocked to the ground by the scammers?

Fry: 'Oh.

Scene: Robot Arms Apartments: Fry's Bender's and Leela's Lounge. Bender opens the door to let Fry and Leela in.

Bender: 'So, you didn't find a place, huh?

Leela: 'Nope. And we're tired and we're going to bed.

[The two walk into their room.]

[Sometime later. Bender sits down on the couch with blood shot eyes darting from side to side.]

Bender: 'I gotta get rid of them somehow! But how? Aha I know!

Cut to: Fry's Bedroom. Fry and Leela both in their pajamas lie in bed; they kiss goodnight.

Leela: (softly) 'Good, night Fry.

Fry: 'But Le--

Leela: (softly) 'Not tonight. Besides I'm way too tired and so are you.

Fry: 'Yeah, now that I think of it.... [He falls asleep instantly. Leela closes her eye. Then loud music(it's lyrics are like " in why and in bentoes bumly bum bum bumly bum bum, in why and in bentoes bumly bum bum bumly bum bum" "she-pee she-pee" bob a buf" "she-pee she-pee" " bah" " bub a buf" " bah" ; etc over and over again, in à la Father Ted  New Jack City Father Fintan Stack's jungle music.) and the sound of a drill literally drilling though a wall can be heard; Fry wakes up.] What the fox?!

Leela: 'I'll see what's going on.

Cut to: Fry's Bender's and Leela's Lounge. Bender is with a drill is piercing holes into the wall, Leela walks in and turns off the radio on a coffee table by pressing the stop button. Bender stops drilling.

Bender: 'Hey I was listening to that!

Leela: 'Were you now? Would also like to tell me why the Hell you are drilling holes in the wall?!

Bender: 'Um, I don't know...I'll see you later!

[He rushes out closing the front door after him.]

Cut to: Fry's Bedroom. Leela goes back into bed.

Fry: 'So, what happened?

Leela: 'He said, "I'll see you later", and then he ran out the door. [There is loud squeaking from the apartment next door.] For foxes sake!

Cut to: Apartment 00111001. Bender sits down around table playing poker with robots, that have springy bodies which are constantly squeaking.

Cut to: Fry's Bedroom.

Fry: 'They've be at that for hours! We'll never get any sleep.

Leela: 'Are you sure?

Fry: 'Yep.

[Hours later, there is still squeaking;Fry and Leela are still wide awake.]

Leela: 'Fry, I can't stand this!

Fry: 'I know we'll have to get a place of are own soon.

Leela: 'Very soon.

Fry: 'Got it! We'll have a look on the Internet in the morning.

Leela: 'That sounds like a good idea.

Narrator: (voice-over) 'The following day.

Scene: Planet Express: Lounge. Bender sits down the couch, his eyes narrowed with his arms crossed watching Leela and Fry make out next to him.

Bender: (muttering) 'I could kiss Fry like that if I wanted to. Not that I would, but still...--

[Farnsworth walks in with his hands in the air.]

Farnsworth: 'Good new everyone! [Fry and Leela stop kissing, and yawn  from tiredness not having to much sleep last night.] We have a very short brief meeting in the conference room.

Cut to: Meeting Room. All the staff have taken a seat around the table. Fry and Leela both drink a cup of coffee each.

Bender: 'Lay it on us.

Farnsworth: 'Lay on, the wha?

Bender: 'The meeting.

Farnsworth: 'Oh my yes, whoever you are. Anyhoo, back on the agenda, I know you've all been extremely worried about the cosmic anomaly.

Hermes: 'Da what? Oh, right.

Farnsworth: 'But there's good news. We're all going to learn more about it at a scientific conference.

[Everyone screams. Fry spits, and spills his coffee allover Bender.]

Bender: (shouting) 'Ow! Ahhh, ow ow ow, hot hot!

Scene: The Planet Express Ship lands at the Institute for Advanced Book Learning. Everyone exits the ship to meet Stephen Hawking's head.

Stephen Hawking's head: 'Welcome. I am the pickled head of Stephen Hawking on a way cool rocket.

Fry: 'Hey, I remember you, did you know a man named Panucci back in the nineties before 2000?

Stephen Hawking's Head: 'Yes.

Fry: 'Did you like the pizzas he made?

Stephen Hawking's Head: 'Yes, I miss that man.

Scene: Auditorium.

Hawking: 'In conclusion, I understand nothing about the anomaly, even after cashing the huge check I got for writing a book about it.

[The audience claps.]

Bender: (shouting) 'Hey, I did that! Tell em Fry!

Fry: 'Yeah, you're right! By using the time code on my as--

Farnsworth: 'Quiet, you! I know this anomaly is terrifying, but as scientists, is it not our sworn duty to seek out knowledge even at the cost of our very lives.

Hawking: 'No.

Farnsworth: I say we must mount and expedition to the anomaly forthwith.

Wernstrom: 'I agree.

Farnsworth: 'Wernstrom!

Wernstrom: 'Professor Farnsworth is correct. Only a manned mission can ... aagh.

[A set of dentures bounces off Wernstrom's head. Farnsworth snaps his fingers and Leela hands Farnsworth another set of dentures.]

Farnsworth: 'Don't listen to that crackpot!

Wernstrom: 'But I'm agreeing with you.

Farnsworth: 'I'll make you eat those words, you moron!

[Farnsworth spits out his dentures and makes to throw them, Leela and Hermes restrain him.]

Wernstrom: 'I volunteer to lead the expedition. I have a squad of graduate students eager to risk their lives for a letter of recommendation.

[Students clamor for the letter.]

Farnsworth: 'Your squad sucks bosons! My team is twice as qualified and three times as expendable.

Planet Express Staff: [standing] 'Yeah!

Leela: 'Wait, what?

Fry: 'Yeah, me too.

Wernstrom: 'Oh, tough talk for someone with only one Fields Medal.

Scientists: 'Ooh!

Hawking: 'Ooh!

Farnsworth: 'Wernstrom, I ought to ...

[Farnsworth and Wernstrom are immobilized in a beam which emanates from Hawking's eyes.]

Hawking: 'I didn't know I could do that. Now quiet down and settle this like men of science.

Farnsworth: 'Very well.

Scene: Deathball Arena.

Farnsworth: 'Let Deathball begin!

Narrator: (voice-over) 'And they played Deathball ball very similar to last time.

Farnsworth: 'Let Deathball end!

Scene: Planet Express: Meeting Room. All the staff are gathered around the table.

Farnsworth: 'Congratulations, deathballers! We've won the right to explore the anomaly!

Zoidberg: 'What? I thought I was playing for my freedom!

Farnsworth: No. [He sticks a crank into a hole in his console and starts turning. A hologram of the anomaly appears.] Now, I've often said "good news" when sending you on a mission of extreme danger. So when I say this anomaly is dangerous, you can imagine how dangerous I really think it is.

Hermes: 'Not dangerous at all?

Farnsworth: 'Actually, quite dangerous indeed.

Hermes: 'That is quite dangerous!

Farnsworth: 'Indeed. Now stop shilly-shallying! Prep the ship and line up for your pre-flight coffee enemas!

[Door open and the coffee enema bot floats in]

Enemabot: 'Warning. The enema you are about to enjoy is extremely hot.

Cut to: Hanger. The dark matter is being loaded into the ship by a pipe or pump of some sort, Leela with a pen writes on a notepad.

Fry: 'Leela, I love you.

Leela: 'I know you do, and I love you too. But I'm a little busy right now.

Enemabot: 'Double espresso for Philip Fry?

Fry: 'Yeah. [Enemabot hands a cup of coffee. Fry takes a sip.] Ahhh, ow ow ow, hot hot!

Zoidberg: 'You're all gonna be sad, because I'm not going on the mission.

Leela: [systematically] 'Fine.

Hermes: [systematically] 'Yes! That's great news!

Bender: [systematically] 'We don't care!

[Zoidberg with his head down low walks out the door.]

Scene: Outside Planet Express. The ship takes off and heads towards the anomaly.

Scene: Anomaly in space. The Planet Express ship flies towards it.

Cut to: Ship's Cockpit. Leela is at the wheel while the rest stand around the place looking at the anomaly in fear.

Bender: (gasping) 'The anomaly!

Fry: 'I'm scared Leela.

Leela: 'Fry baby, sit on my lap if you're scared.

[Fry sits on her lap, she hugs him, then gives him a kiss on the cheek. Bender's eyes narrow.]

Bender: (muttering) 'Sit on my lap, blah blah boo boo!

[Werstrom appears on two monitors.]

Farnsworth: 'Wernstrom!

Wernstrom: 'Yes, and I'm afraid I have disturbing news about the anomaly. You see ...

Farnsworth: 'How did you get this number? Hermes, hang up on him in the rudest possible manner.

Hermes: 'Yes, sir!

[I will not describe that, see it for yourself.]

Wernstrom: 'No, not the crack slam!

[He is cutoff.]

Fry: 'Um, was the necessary?

Farnsworth: 'Yes it was! Why you ask?

Fry: 'Uh, forget it.

Farnsworth: 'Very well then. What did you say again anyway of that matter? And  also where am I now?

Scene: Shopping Mall. The place is filled with hundreds of people all going about their business, there is around a dozen free sample stands in a line against a wall, which Zoidberg walks towards.

Zoidberg: 'Yum yum yum!

[He reaches a free sample stand, with Colleen wearing an white apron giving out Crab Claws on a plate.]

Colleen: (unenthusiastic) 'Would you like a Crab Claw?

Zoidberg: 'They're not related to my species Decapodians are they?

Colleen: (unenthusiastic) 'No, these are native to Earth.

[Zoidberg takes a Crab Claw, and gobbles it down. Then heads over to all the other free sample stands, and revisits them over and over again.]

Scene: Ship's Cockpit. The crew exclaim in fear from being so close to the anomaly.

Bender: [whimpering, drops 6 bricks] 'Why are we risking our lives? Can't we just send in a robotic drone? ... What's everybody looking at me for?

Scene: Ships Ejection Port. The crew stands around and Bender, laden with equipment, who enters the air lock.]

Bender: 'Ooh Let's send a robot to explore it. 'Cause you can always buy another one for 20 bucks.

Leela: 'Really?

Bender: 'Well, it's 30 bucks and there's a $10 mail-in rebate. When the League of Robots hears about this, they won't be pleased. Oh, you'll pay, my darlings.

Hermes: 'The League of Robots doesn't exist, tin man. It's just a cartoon for babies.

Fry: 'Hermes, it is not for babies! I love that show!

Bender: 'Way to tell em Fry! So, do you believe in the League of Robo--

[Voice fades out as the airlock doors close.]

Scene: Outside Ship. A ramp extends to the edge of the anomaly. Bender exits, pulls out and instrument probe, and walks the ramp to the edge of the anomaly.

Bender: 'Bender to crew. I have reached the gateway to another universe. I feel awed and strangely humbled by the momentous solemnity of this occasion. [He turns around.] Hey, other universe, bite my shiny metal--

[Bender sticks his ass into the anomaly. There is an electrical crackling, followed by an explosion that sends Bender and the Planet Express ship spinning away with everyone screaming.]

To be continued