A Red Xmas Tale By Rush
Opening Scene: Zapp's Bathroom. Zapp lays in a bubbly bathtub, while Kif fully clothed in his DOOP uniform stands next to the bathtub shaving the last bit of hair off Zapp's armpit with a razor.
Zapp: 'Now now, Kif you're done shaving my face, chest, armpits, and my arms themselves, but you've yet to go down and shave my legs plus the sides of my groinal area.
Kif: 'Sir, I ... can't you do that your sel ...
Zapp: 'Noooo ...
[Kif signs. He then begins to shave his legs for Zapp.]
[Fadeout, time lapse.]
Scene: Nimbus Bridge. It's deserted apart from two individuals, Zapp who has a white towel wrapped around his waste sitting in the captain's chair with his feet up on another chair (his; uniform, boots and socks lay on the floor underneath his chair), while near by Kif stands operating the co-ordinates controls.
Kif: 'Sir that's my chair, you're using to rest your feet on.
Zapp: 'Then grab another chair in this room to sit on!
Kif: 'But those chairs belong to other people?
Kif: 'Well there only one chair per person and ... You know what? Forget it!
Zapp: 'Yeah. Now let's set course for Leela already!
Kif: 'Sir, that's not a system, well not that I know of any--
Zapp: 'I don't have time, for ... for ... you're ... Whatever! It's time to ask her out on a date, that will most likely fail, again!
Kif: 'But sir, she's engaged!
[Zapp stands up, his towel drops, revealing ... Kif turns his head to the side.]
Zapp: (shouting) 'What?! .... When did this happen?! To who?! Answer me!
Kif: [not looking at him.] 'To Philip J. Fry, about a few months after the Opera Of The Stars. Now sir will you please cover yourself up.
Zapp: 'No I won't! [He picks up the towel and wraps it back around his waste.] It can't be! No one can resist against the Zapper! Right Kif?
Kif: 'Ahh, errum, I rather not answer that sir.
Kif: 'Yes, of course. [He rolls his eyes, while Zapp sits back down on his chair.]
Zapp: [rubbing his chin.] 'Perhaps a suicide mission will but them in order?
Kif: 'Like what? Not that I'm sympathizing with your over abuse of power.
Zapp: 'What, I wasn't listening to you there?
Kif: 'Nothing, just nothing.
Zapp: 'Leela and Hair Pile will pay dearly for this, for her mission and with her crew will be--
???: 'Good News Everyone! We have been given a special secret contract for us by the DOOP itself, and what I mean by "we" I mean you three there.
[Fade-in: Planet Express: Meeting Room. Three individuals wearing their usual clothes are sitting on chairs around the table; Fry, Leela, and Bender; smoking a cigar, who is leaned back in his chair with his legs crossed and has his foot-cuffs on the table, while Farnsworth sits on top of the table in his hover armchair, hovering a small bit over the surface of the table.]
Fry: 'What this is the holidays! We're not meant to work on holidays! Are we?
Farnsworth: 'Normally no. But Yes, I'm afraid you have-to this time.
Bender: 'Indeed [He puffs his cigar.], so what happens if we refuse still?
Farnsworth: 'You will be sentenced to death! [Fry, Bender and Leela gasp, at the same time, Bender's cigar drops out of his mouth while gasping.] Not by me, but either way you'll die, but you might stand more of a chance of actually doing the contract. Speaking of which, do you know anyone who could replace you three when you die on this mission?
Bender: [picking back up his cigar, and relighting it with his middle finger using it as a lighter.] 'Maybe not.
Fry: 'Don't think so.
Leela: 'No. But this is still insane, Professor! Being sentenced to death for refusing to do a mission?
Fry: 'Yeah! Like what's are mission to start with?
Farnsworth: 'To infiltrate Santa's Death Fortress on Neptune to convince him to change his ways to being nice, good, forgiving, giving more than one chance, compassionate, plus remorseful sadness to the things he has done in the past, and all that good stuff, etcetera.
Bender: 'I don't know if this is the right word in the dictionary to be using, but that just sounds improbable! You can't just convince a robot to change his ways! Why the hell would he want to anyway? I know I sure wouldn't if I were Santa!
Farnsworth: 'Oh did I say convince? [All three nod.] I meant force, with this!
[Farnsworth takes out a small black USB stick from his front pocket, which he throws at Leela, who catches it. She looks at it curiously.]
Leela: 'What are we meant to do with this flash drive, Professor?
Farnsworth: [blankly staring at Leela.] 'Eh, wha? Who are you, again? ... [He remembers where he is.] Oh, yes. To open the hatch at the back of Robot Santa's head, and to stick it into a USB slot inside, and make sure it's intact when and if you do!
Leela: 'Which will, even if it is very remotely possible ...
Farnsworth: 'Automatically upload a personality altering virus to make him; good, compassionate, you see it will--
Fry: 'Jesus like, got it.
Bender: 'Well that's just wrong! You'll take away his robo-humanity!
Fry: 'He doesn't really have that, Bender. He kills both humans and robots, plus---
Bender: 'Yeah yeah, good point, I got it.
Leela: 'But just how are we going to get even near to him with the USB stick, he'd kill us on sight.
Farnsworth: 'Ah, but you see this gives me a chance to finally get rid of you three.
Bender: 'Ditto on the "whats"!
Farnsworth: 'What?! Speak up, you know I'm hard at hearing.
Leela: 'Why would you want to get rid of us?
Farnsworth: 'Eh, wha? Oh, I was just joking! Anyhoo, this is a chance to test my seemingly indestructible experimental environment protection power armour suit.
Fry: 'What's it called?
Farnsworth: 'My invention's name is "The Biohazard Environmental Protection Warrior Battle Shield Suit". It can more than enough keep the wearer comfortably warm in minus 273 degrees celsius which is absolute zero, and it automatically adjusts it's cold and warmth microscopic generators for the protection of the wearer to the temperature around it, it can also protect you from high temperatures from up to as high as 500 degrees maybe more I have not tested it so far. It also has life support systems which allow you to breathe in any environment no matter how toxic even under water or even space, grants complete immunity to radiation, providing extreme pressure levels protection, like you could stand at the bottom of the ocean and feel fine like your standing on land on Earth. As well as significantly increasing stamina, perception, your physical endurance, reaction speed, agility, strength, plus your hearing and smell, and over all fitness which wears off has soon as you take it off. Anyhoo I was gonna arm it with my cloned unstoppable relentless super soldiers to takeover the world and then the universe and then all the parallel universes, but each one took too long to make for each super soldier.
Bender: 'How long?
Farnsworth: 'About two years for each one but I managed to finish off the third one just a bit quicker for you Bender. You see each one is especially made for the particular person's body shape. And don't ask how I got to know you're bodies.
Leela: 'How come you never told us about these before?
Farnsworth: 'It just never came up I guess.
Leela: (sarcastically) 'Oh right, like the time with the bees wasn't anything, which put me in a coma?
Farnsworth: 'Yes. Anyhoo, you will need these in order to survive this mission... (shouting) Scruffy! [Scruffy comes out from a door pushing a wooden clothes rack with three sets of silver clothes that look like Hermes' skin tight flabbo-dynamic spandex bodysuit from "Bend Her".] Now strip naked down to your socks dammit and put them on!
Leela: 'But can't we just put these on in private?
Farnsworth: 'No woman! No time!
[They begin to take off their clothes, apart from Bender who takes his armour off the clothes rack, then begins to put it on.]
[Fry, Leela, and Bender now all stand wearing the armour covering their whole body from head to toe, it is camouflaging them to the area around them, their eyes are cybernetic looking; Leela's cyborg eye is huge, Farnsworth on his hover armchair flies slowly towards them.]
Farnsworth: 'Oh my yes. The suit automatically camouflages like a chameleon to the area around it. But I forgot to mention, that you can change your type of vision from the eyes the suit gives you by voice command; like, such as F-Ray, snake's heat seeking, standard normal human vision, Bending Unit, also by zooming in and out you can see as far as the best binoculars in the universe.
Fry: [clapping] 'Wow.
Farnsworth: 'Now Bender, I need to test something on you.
[Farnsworth stands up off his chair and walks towards Bender.]
Bender: 'What?! Wait, what are you ... [Farnsworth pulls out his shotgun and shoots Bender several times, the shots making small explosions. The armour electrically reacts like a bubble to being hit but nothing else, Bender remains undamaged.] Whoa!
Farnsworth: 'Ahh, the shields are working fine even when being shot at point blank range.
Fry: 'What about us?! Does are force fields work too?
[Farnsworth shoots both of them multiple times their armour electrically reacts like a bubble being hit but nothing else, and both Fry and Leela remain undamaged.]
Farnsworth: 'Now Leela, wait there. Scruffy! [Scruffy walks in pushing a wheelbarrow with a plate of Diamondium in it.] Leela punch that. [Leela punches the Diamondium plate, it shatters into pieces.] Now, just imagine what that would do to flesh and bone? [He takes out a small ray-gun pistol that looks as if it is made up of all different types of colored diamonds.] But if you try anything I have this ray-gun that teleports it's target or multiple targets to a parallel universe of my choice, and who knows where I could send you.
Bender: 'Ok. But is there anyway we can still back out of this, like run away?
Farnsworth: 'No, the DOOP will chase after you.
Bender: 'Speaking of DOOP, how much money will they give us?
Farnsworth: 'One billion dollars each.
Bender: 'Let's go. Come on, Fry! [Fry and Bender runs up the PE ship's stairs.]
Leela: 'Wait, I have some questions.
Farnsworth: 'Now there will be plenty of time for your questions and concerns if and when you return.
Leela: 'But I--
[Farnsworth blankly stares at her.]
Farnsworth: [waving his hands.] 'Well, off you go then!
Scene: The Planet Express ship flying through space passing by Mars.
Cut to: Cockpit. Leela is at the wheel sitting in the captain's chair, while Fry near by sitting at the co-ordinates controls that he's attending to.
Fry: 'Leela, if we die in this mission. I want you to know, I love you.
[Leela turns her chair to face him, smiling warmly at him.]
Leela: 'I know you do Fry, and I love you too.
[Bender walks in, taking a seat in front of the autopilot.]
Bender: 'Am I interrupting some cheesy romance scene here?
Leela: 'No, not really. [She turns back to the wheel.] Let's talk about the plan.
Fry: 'We're now approaching Neptune, brace yourselves.
Scene: Outside PE Ship. The ship is now just about outside the upper atmosphere of Neptune.
Cut to: Cockpit.
Fry: [He stands up off his chair from seeing on the radar that a missile is heading towards them originating from Santa Death Fortress.] Ahhh, he's ready for us this time! Missile incoming!
[Leela stands up off her chair remaining calm taking a deep breath.]
Bender: [waving his hands in the air running around in circles and screaming.] 'Waaagh! Abandon ship!
Fry: 'What about parachutes?!
Leela: 'No time! Quick, out the airlock!
Scene: Outside The Planet Express Ship. Fry, Leela, and Bender float out the airlock.
Bender: 'So, we fall to are deaths then?
Fry: 'Well I think--Whoa!
[The missile races past Fry to hit the PE ship creating a huge explosion, and a massive shockwave of air pushing screaming Fry, Leela, and Bender into Neptune's atmosphere.]
Scene: Neptune Surface. In the outskirts of Jolly Junction, where sounds of gunfire and barking dogs come from.
[Two Neptunians are making a snowman.]
Neptunian #1: 'Look! [He points to the sky, where there's four things that look like fireballs falling from the sky one is much bigger than the rest (the two Neptunians begin to back away.), which land right in front of them making craters in the ground just missing the snowman.]
Neptunian #2: (wiping the sweat off his forehead) 'Phew!
[Fry, Leela, and Bender crawl out of the craters, dust themselves off, then walk past the two Neptunian who just stare with their jaws dropped in disbelieve.]
Bender: 'How ya doing?!
[Not so far in the distance what remains of the PE ship plus falling debris from it crash land, exploding like a small tactical nuke.]
Scene: Jolly Junction. As soon as; Fry, Leela, and Bender enter the town, a huge group of short Neptunian beggars swarm up to them touching then feeling them up, all of them at once telling them their various reasons why they need the money or the food.
Bender: 'Ahhh, get the hell off me beggars! [He kicks one sending him flying into the air out of sight.] Oops.
[The Neptunian beggars scattered away from them.]
Cut to: Neptunian falling.
Neptunian: (screaming) 'Ahhhhhhhhhh--
[He lands in the outskirts of Jolly Junction in a pile of thick snow. He stands up, dusts himself off, and begins to make his way back to town.]
Scene: Jolly Junction. Fry, Leela, and Bender look up at a mountain where Santa's Death Fortress lies at the top and lightning flashes around it.]
Leela: 'We'll need help getting in, again. Any volunteers, again?
Neptunian #1: 'I'll help you, again!
[Neptunian #2 sees Neptunian #1 has raised both of their hands.]
Neptunian #2: 'Ah, phooey, again! Well hide in the big bag of coal!
Scene: Santa's Death Fortress. The Neptunians carry the big bag of coal up the winding track in a wheelbarrow. They pass a cardboard Santa with an outstretched arm like at a theme park. It holds a sign reading "If You Are Taller Than This Prepare To Die". A circular saw comes out of the hand and cuts their hats off. They pass some dogs that bark Jingle Bells at them.
Scene: Santa's Death Fortress. Santa sits in a armchair at an enormous screen with a pen and his list. He laughs maniacally.
Santa: 'Let's see who's been naughty, and who's been naughty! [He pushes a button and Roberto appears in a back alley on the screen, stabbing a Bending Unit laying down on the ground.]
Roberto: 'You're not my friend Bender Bending Rodriguez, you imposter! Stabby stab stab! [He runs away out of sight.] (shouting) Don't tell no body I killed you!
Santa: 'Murdering, naughty! [He writes on his list. A squeaking comes from behind him.] Huh?
[He turns around and sees the Neptunians bringing in the wheelbarrow.]
Neptunian #2: 'We brought your coal.
Santa: 'Don't you ever knock? Who knows what naughty things I could be watching? I get to see inside all of Earth's public bathroom's inside the cubicles as well on this thing, you know!
Neptunian #2: 'Don't kill us!
Santa: 'Yet, you did bring the coal, I need that to burn those who are naughty alive. Now, get out of here! [The two Neptunians run off. ]
[The bag rustles.]
Cut to: Inside bag are; Fry, Leela, and Bender.]
Leela: 'Ready with the USB stick.
Bender: (holding it) 'Ready!
Fry: 'Let's go!
[She tears open the bag and they leap out. Santa's eyes turn evil.]
Santa: 'Holy night! You same intruders again!
[He picks up a missile launcher and aims it at Leela.]
Leela: 'Hold it, Santa! [She nods at both Bender and Fry, who begins to sneak around Santa's flanks; Fry goes for the left flank and Bender goes for the right flank, while he's aimed at Leela.]
Santa: 'You do realize you're all going to die now? And you two, I can see what your up to! Die! [He turns to aim at Bender, who quickly throws the USB stick across the room over to Fry, who catches it.
Bender: 'Goodbye Fry and Bossy Boots.
[Santa launches the missile which hits Bender exploding crating a huge cloud of smoke.]
Fry: (screaming) 'Benderrrrr! (thinking) Must not lose Leela! [He jumps high into the air landing behind Santa, from which he opens the hatch at the back of his head, he sticks the flash drive into the USB slot. Santa falls to his knees; his eyes turning light blue plus the spikes fall off the ball attached to the end of his hat, at the same time the smoke where Bender once stood clears to reveal Bender is undamaged.]
Bender: 'I'm all fine looking and large baby!
Fry: 'Bender! You're alive!
Leela: 'We did it!
Santa: (crying/ voice gentle and human Santa sounding) 'What have I been doing? I'm a monster! I don't deserve to live! With my permission will you please kill me, I won't fight back, please make it quick.
Bender: 'Do it yourself! Yet maybe you don't deserve to live, but you deserve to live anyway, for you are Santa!
Santa: 'You, really think so?
Leela: 'Yes. Though how do you feel about getting rid of the personality altering virus.
Santa: 'I wish not for it to be gone, for it has made me good. But I wish to end my life at the same time.
Santa: 'Because the things I have done in the past are very close to evil incarnate!
Bender: 'You can let go, and forget about the past.
Santa: 'I can't!
Fry: 'Yes you can!
Leela: 'Plus you can change, and make up for the things you have done in the past and you will be forgiven.
Santa: [cheering up] 'Maybe, you're right, [He stands up. ] Maybe, you're right. Maybe I can change. But I need help! What is the fictional biographical character good and bad traits of human Santa Claus?
[Bender very confused starches his head.]
Fry: (confused) 'Well, ah, what?
Leela: 'Santa is what the personality altering virus gives you. Although I should point out that even if someone is naughty, you should look at the good things that person done. If he or she done more good or really good things than bad things throughout the year or their life, the person should be given presents under their tree. Question, you do have a shrink ray, yes?
Santa: 'Yes I need that to fit down chimneys, sometimes if their to small. Anyway, before you asked that, what if they've done bad or really bad things more than good things throughout the year or their life?
Bender: 'Give em a big ole bag of coal under their tree.
Fry: 'And don't kill em.
Santa: 'I think I know that Fry. It should put to more use with my infinite coal-U-Box that I leave in the toy factory. I think that's all I need to know merry Christmas.
Fry: 'Happy holidays for those who don't--
Santa: 'I know Fry, you're a good person, plus you too Leela. But I don't know about you Bender?
Bender: 'Eh! [He waves his hand.] I don't care. Are we done here? I want my billion!
Santa: (thinking) 'I need to get rid of all the dangerous stuff around here, like that cardboard figure of me with the circular saw at the entrance of my home.
Leela: 'Are ship ... is ... well it's somewhat destroyed.
Santa: 'No matter we'll have it fixed in a matter of days, and send it back to you. So won't you ride my sleigh tonight as I deliver presents, which won't be very many, with the lack of toy making through this year, but I'll make sure presents and coal are given to the right people, so the massage of my changing to good is known to all.?
Bender: 'Yes. But why won't you just get the elves working their asses off making the toys for tonight now?
Santa: 'That would just be mean, and a bad thing to be doing on my part, they need breaks plus I'm not going into it now, workers rights and stuff. I want the highest quality toys made throughout the year; not rushly made pieces of junk, plus they are not elves their Neptunians.
Bender: 'Whatever, you say then. Can we go home now already?
Cut to: Outside Santa's Death Fortress. Santa's Sleigh with Fry, Leela, and Bender sitting in the back seats fly past up the sky out of sight.
Scene: Nimbus Bridge. Zapp fully dressed in his DOOP uniform sitting in the captain's chair deep in thought rubbing his chin, while near by Kif sits at the co-ordinates controls operating them.
Zapp: (quietly) 'Not now Kif.
Zapp: (shouting) 'I said not now Kif!
Kif: 'I'm picking up something on the radar.
Zapp: 'What is it?
Kif: 'Zooming in with the stereopticon .... it's Santa in his sleigh with Fry, Leela and Ben--
Zapp: 'What let me see that? [Rushing over to Kif.] Nooooooo! They were meant to die! [He runs back to his seat.] Time to take matters into my own hands.
Kif: 'Sir what are you doing?!
Zapp: 'Going to make myself yet more of a hero, by killing all four of them.
Kif: 'But doing this won't.
Zapp: 'Sure it will Kif, for I will just say, and you will back me up in this or else. That Santa had killed Fry, Leela, and Bender on Neptune, and I was merely avenging their death.
Kif: 'But you're not, you're going to murder them.
Zapp: 'Kif, everyone will believe my side of the story.
Kif: 'Not everyone.
Zapp: 'Most will, only smart people, and people with crazy conspiracy theories won't.
[Kif stands up rising his fists.]
Kif: (shouting) 'I won't let you!
Zapp: 'Well, well, well ... I never thought. [Zapp stands up.] You'd betray me, and the DOOP!
Kif: (shouting) 'I do not betray the DOOP!
Zapp: 'Well for betraying me, I will destroy your home world and hunt down you're species to their extinction.
[Before Zapp even rises his fists, Kif kicks him between his legs, which Zapp grabs as he falls to the floor in pain.]
[Two DOOP soldiers run from behind them.]
DOOP Soldier #1: (shouting) 'What happened here? We heard shouting!
Kif: 'Zapp tried to--
Zapp: (shouting) 'Liar! I tried nothing you tried to murder me.
Kif: 'No you tried to murder me!
DOOP Soldier #2: 'Well see what the CCTV camera says.
CCTV Camera: (from ceiling) 'Zapp was going to kill Kif because he's wasn't going to support him in killing four seemingly innocence individuals plus other things.
[It flashes projecting images on the wall repaying the events with sound.]
Kif's Voice: (from CCTV Camera) 'Sir--
Zapp's Voice: (from CCTV Camera) 'Not now Kif--
CCTV Camera: (from ceiling) 'So who's side you take?
Both DOOP Soldiers: 'Kif's. [They laser hand cuff Zapp.]
Soldier: #2 'Zapp you're under arrest for five attempted murders, planning genocide towards Amphibiosians, and conspiracy.
[They drag Zapp away out of the room.]
Zapp: (shouting) 'Aaahh! I'll get you Kif! Just you wait!
Scene: Outside Robot Arms Apartments. Santa's lowers his sleigh onto the pavement dropping Bender off.
Bender: 'Gee, thanks!
Santa: 'You're welcome. [He whips the reindeer who fly him; Leela and Fry away out of sight.]
Bender: 'And now I have to go up all the way up them damn stairs!
[He mutters to himself as he enters the building.]
Cut to: Outside Leela's Apartment. Santa's lowers his sleigh onto the pavement dropping Fry and Leela off. Who wave to him as he flies back up into the sky out of sight.
Santa: 'Ho ho ho!
Scene: Planet Express: Meeting Room. Fry, Leela, and Bender (Bender back naked) wearing their usual clothes are sitting on chairs around the table with Farnsworth sitting opposite them on the table.
Farnsworth: 'I don't know how you did it, well I might. So anyhoo DOOP has declared the mission a complete success, since no one as been killed from Santa's hand this Xmas, plus some people got presents and coal under their trees.
Bender: I got a bag of coal. But it doesn't matter, we'll get are one billion each.
Farnsworth: 'No-no-no, all three of you have to pay me one billion each for each armour I gave you which was three.
Fry: 'Aw cone on!
[Leela places her hands on her hips, her eye narrowing to a slit.]
Farnsworth: 'Because each one cast me a billion to make.
Fry: 'Aw man.
Bender: 'You mean we came all that way for nothing?
Bender: [shaking his fist] 'Damn you old man!
Farnsworth: 'Now, you three write me a one billion dollar check each.
[All three mutter under their breaths and take out pens, write out one check each, which they hand to Farnsworth.]
Scene: Zapp is sitting on a bare mattress in a small dark cell with a cantle reading a newspaper with the head line "Non Human Captain Of Nimbus" showing a picture of Kif. ]
Zapp: 'Ahh. [He tears the newspaper to shreds.]
[A tray with; a loaf of brown bread, a box of matches, another cantle, and a bowl of water is pushed in through from the cat-flap at the bottom of his cell's door.]