Futurama

Fan Fiction

The Scourge of Zapp Brannigan
By Dwayne Anderson

Note From the Author: One of my favorite movie villain's gets the Futurama treatment in this story.


Part 1

It was December 31st, 3004. The time was 7:42 P.M. Fry was sitting on the couch in his apartment watching television. All day, he had been watching classic movies from the twentieth century. He had already watched two dozen of them in one week. Right now, the ending credits of Ghostbusters II were playing on the screen.

When the credits were finished, he turned off the VCR, only to catch this news story.

"Well puny humans, this is Morbo with the news. Tonight is New Years Eve of 3004 and already, people across the Earth's surface are preparing for the big event, while at the same time, I plot your doom! In other news, Zapp Brannigan has led a successful strike against the planet Carpathia, a medieval planet ruled by a tyrant who was brought down by DOOP's captain. We'll have more on this story, but first, this commercial!"

"Want the best service we can give you? Tired of low interest rates on deposits, and high interest rates on loans and mortages? Then come on down to ING Bank. Open a new account today and get a bonus on your first deposit! ING Bank. We don't know who took the first four letters out either!"

Fry turned off the television.

Just then, there was ringing from the video-phone.

"Collect call from..."

"You may call me Mr. Sensational!"

Fry could tell it was Zapp Brannigan.

"I'll accept," said Fry.

Zapp's picture appeared on the screen.

"Hello Fry," he said. "I just want to inform Leela that I have returned."

"She isn't here," said Fry.

"She had better be there! I am spending a fortune on this collect call!"

"How much?"

"One dollar per minute. And that is part of the loot from the planet Carpathia that I stole during that war to overthrow the emperor."

"Whoa! Talk about savings!"

"Anyways, I used much of what I stole to decorate my room of love in the Nimbus, including a self portait of Carpathia's former emperor."

Just then, the door opened. In came Leela.

"Sorry Zapp," he said. "Gotta go."

The picture faded.

"Were you just talking to Zapp?" asked Leela.

"Yeah," said Fry. "He's boasting about his victory in the war he waged against the medieval planet of Carpathia."

"I could tell," said Leela.

Suddenly, the video phone showed Zapp's face again.

"Ah, Leela, there you are!" he said. "So, did you hear all about my victory?"

"Who cares?!" said Leela.

"I'm standing here in my room of love. Remember this place Leela? This was where you lost something that will never be found again."

"What is it?"

"Your virginity!"

Fry chuckled. "Good one Zapp!"

"I don't think that's funny," said Leela.

"Oh by the way Leela, do you know what I find sexiest in women?"

Leela folded her arms, covering her chest.

"Well?" asked Zapp.

"The boobies?" asked Leela.

"Right! Now as the old saying goes, `lose the zero, go with the hero!' No offense Fry."

"What are you talking about?" asked Fry.

"I'm now worshipped as a hero on Earth and in DOOP headquarters for my victory. Guess who's the loser?"

"Me?"

"Right loser!"

"Yippie!" cheered Fry as he punched his fists upwards. "I am a loser!"

"Fry, he was putting you down!" said Leela.

Fry stopped cheering.

"Zapp, even though I don't care at all about your victory," said Leela, "I'm curious. What exactly is this planet you fought against?"

"I didn't fight it. I fought its emperor. I recieved a distress signal from the people of the planet Carpathia, which has one moon, known as Moldavia. Emperor Zigo was executing people by the dozens every week, eating their flesh and drinking their blood, hoping to gain eternal life and youth."

"Well you know what the religious saying says," said Fry, "unless you eat the flesh of the son of man and drink his blood, you have no life in you."

"Now, as I was saying, Zigo had reigned for fifty years, slaughtering those who spoke out against him. Hundreds were brutally beheaded. Despite the fact that he was born one hundred and five years ago, he was able to retain his youth by drinking the blood and eating the flesh of those he killed."

"A hundred and five years old?" asked Fry. "Whoa! He really hung in there!"

"I finally put an end to his reign of terror," said Zapp. "but only after he was poisoned, stabbed, shot, hung, stretched, disemboweled, drawn, quartered, and finally guillotined."

"Ouch!" said Fry.

"Even after I had cut off his head, he still didn't die...for one minute. I even timed it myself. However, I'll never forget his last words:Death is a doorway, time is a window, I'll be back!"

"What happened next?" asked Fry.

"After I was treated as a hero," said Zapp. "DOOP looted the palace and will be auctioning it off to the highest bidder. However, I kept some for myself and used them to decorate my bedroom of love. Among the many objects were Zigo's self portrait."

"Zapp, who cares if you killed an evil tyrant?" said Leela. "Even though DOOP, and the people of Carpathia see you as a hero, I don't! That doesn't change the fact that you're nothing but a sleazebag who is obsessed with sex!"

"Ooh, playing hard to get?" asked Zapp. "I like my women like that! Well, gotta go! I am spending a dollar per minute on this call!"

Zapp's picture disappeared.

"For my new years resolution," said Leela, "I resolve not to accept any more calls from him!"

"And I resolve to go up from a loser to a hero!" said Fry. "I've saved the day many times, and I can do it again!"

"I don't think you're a loser," said Leela.

"By the way," said Fry, "about this guy Zapp killed, he sounds kind of familiar. I remember hearing those last words in Ghostbusters II, one of the best movies of 1989, also one of the best sequels ever made to a classic movie. This Zigo kind of reminds me of Vigo the Carpathian."

Suddenly, the video phone rang again.

"That had better not be who I think it is!" said Leela.

"Collect call from..."

"Michelle."

"Michelle? My old girlfriend?" asked Fry. "When I last heard of her, she had gotten married and had a baby boy."

"Are you or are you not going to accept?" asked Leela.

"I'll accept," said Fry.

Michelle's picture appeared on the screen.

"Let me get to the point and quickly," said Michelle. "Me and my husband are going out tonight for New Years Eve, and since I don't have any other friends, you included, here in the city, I need you to look after Alex. Think you and your freaky one eyed girlfriend are up to it?"

"I'm a mutant!" Leela said angrily.

"Whatever," said Michelle. "So, can I depend on you two tonight?"

"Well, we got no plans," said Leela. "We were just planning on hanging around here tonight with our co-workers. So, ok! We'll take it."

"Great," said Michelle. "I'll come by at 9:00 tonight. Bye."

Michelle's picture faded.

"Leela, are you kidding?" asked Fry. "You know I know nothing about taking care of a kid!"

"I could teach you," said Leela.

"Well, since you put it that way," said Fry, "as long as I have to do very little, I'll do it!"

"And I'm sure the others will help too!" said Leela. "After all, Amy's already a mother, even though her kids won't come to shore for twenty years!"

 

Meanwhile, back on board the Nimbus, Zapp Brannigan was admiring his new decorated room.

"Now this is luxury!" he said. "With all this, I'm at least a million dollars richer! Plus what the DOOP president pays me for my high rank!"

He gazed up at the portrait of Zigo. Zigo had the face of Wilhem von Homburg (the person who played Vigo the Carpathian in Ghostbusters II, the excellent sequel to the classic "Ghostbusters" film.) He also wore a red royal robe, black leather boots, and a red satin cape around his back.

Suddenly, orange lightning bolts shot out of the eyes and zapped him, sending him flying, right onto his bed.

As he struggled to stand, the picture changed into Zigo's face.

"Listen to me!" he said.

"What? Who?" asked Zapp.

"I command you! Listen to me!" said Zigo. He zapped Zapp again. (Try saying that five times fast!)

"Oh yes!" said Zapp. "You command me!"

"Before you slew me, I sat upon a throne of blood, on a mountain of skulls, in the castle of pain! Tonight begins the season of evil! What was on Carpathia, soon shall be! What currently is, shall soon be no more! I am the Scourge of planet Carpathia, the Sorrow of its moon Moldavia! I am Zigo the Carpathian!"

"Command me my lord."

"Find me a child so that I may be reborn at the stroke of midnight tonight! Do this and you will be rewarded! What do you desire more than anything? Tell me now, and you shall have it when you bring me the child!"

"Two words, Turanga Leela! I must have her! If I bring you the child, can I have her?"

"So be it!"

The portrait changed back to its normal state. Zigo had spoken.

"Yes!" said Zapp. "Soon, Leela will be mine! But where am I going to find a child?"

The portrait zapped Zapp again. (Say that three more times fast!) His eyes began to glow bright orange, before they changed back to their normal color.

 

To Be Continued

Buddies