Futurama

Fan Fiction

The Scourge of Zapp Brannigan, Part 2
By Dwayne Anderson

Part 2

Finally, 9:00 came. There was a knock on the door.

"Fry, it's me!" said Michelle's voice. "Let me in!"

"Just come on in!" said Fry. "The door opens automatically!"

The door opened. In came Michelle. She pushed in a baby carriage. Inside was an eight-month-old baby.

"Be good for your babysitters Alex," said Michelle.

"So where are you going tonight?" asked Fry.

"To a beauty pagaent," said Michelle. "I'm one of the contestants. I'm competing against seven other gorgeous girls, including Jessica Iris, Miss Earth five years in a row."

"Where's that guy you dumped me fore several years ago?" asked Fry.

"Outside in the limo," said Michelle. "Gotta go now. Be good, Alex!" Michelle walked outside the door.

Fry leaped back onto the couch just as the news came on.

"Good evening pathetic humans! This is Morbo with the nightly news! Tonight, New New York is holding a beauty pagaent to determine this year's Miss Earth."

A picture of a strikingly gorgeous red-headed woman appeared in the corner.

"This is Jessica Iris, the winner of the past five pagaents five years in a row! All guys watching this, please take a moment to look at this picture to cure your impotency!"

Leela took Alex out of the carriage.

"You know, I was a baby just like you," she said. "I just didn't have parents to raise me."

A picture of a slurm can appeared on the television screen.

"The pagaent will be sponsored by the new Sour Slurm! Due to the success of regular Slurm, the same company that makes Slurm has opened a new company to produce Sour Slurm. We go now to this commercial!"

On the screen appeared two, men in a tuxedo standing outside the dressing room in a chapel. One of them was young, the other was middle-aged.

"I'm so nervous," said the young man. "In thirty minutes, I'll be married to your daughter. I just can't relax!"

"Here, drink this," said his future father-in-law as he handed him a can of slurm. "But be careful, it's the new brand:Sour Slurm."

The young man takes the can and drinks from it. Just then, the door to the dressing room opened and out came a beautiful blonde in a bride gown.

The young man suddenly cringes and lowers the cup. "Oh man!" he said. "This is sour!"

The bride is devasted and offended. She pulls off her wedding ring and throws it at him. "The wedding's off! I never want to see you again creep!" she screamed and stormed away.

"What was that about?" asked the would-be groom.

"I told you that stuff was sour," said the bride's father.

A can of Sour Slurm appears on the screen. Heard is an announcer's voice: "Sour Slurm, be careful where you drink it!"

Fry and everyone else watching is laughing.

"Fry, go order some pizza," said Bender. "And while you're at it, bring me a case of beer!"

Fry stood. "You got it toots! I mean, Bender!"

"Quit stalling or bite my shiny metal ass!" said Bender.

"Yes, Bender, right away," said Fry. He went into the kitchen, opened the fridge and took out a sixpack of beer. Then he picked up the phone.

"Hello? I'd like four pizza's with everything on them, one with no crust. Thirty minutes or it's free? Thanks!"

 

Twenty nine minutes later, the pizza arrives at 9:32.

"Darn!" said Fry. "Another minute and it would have been free!"

He paid the delivery man.

"How about a tip?" asked the delivery man.

"Floss every day!" said Fry as he pushed the button to close the door.

Fry opened the boxes. "OK, everyone, dig in!"

When the boxes were finally empty, everyone was stuffed. It was 10:13.

Leela sniffs the air. "Whoo!" she said. "Who stinks?"

"Not me," said Bender.

"No, it's probably Alex!" said Amy. "He needs a diaper change!"

Leela sniffed the air around Alex. "Whoo! She's right! Everyone, help me out!"

Fry sees this as an opportunity to impress Leela. "I'll help!" he said.

As he began to help Leela change a dirty diaper, the video-phone suddenly began to ring.

"Collect call from... Kif Kroker."

"Kif?!" asked Amy. She excitedly got off the couch and ran to the phone. "I'll accept!"

Zapp's face appears on the screen.

"Thanks for introducing yourself, Kif," he said, "since I knew Leela wouldn't want to take this call."

"Not again!" said Leela as she pulled off the diaper and tossed it into the garbage.

"Did I call at a bad time?" asked Zapp.

"Anytime you call is a bad time," said Leela as Fry put baby powder on Alex.

Zapp doesn't reply. His eyes widen when he sees Alex. "I call back!" he said. The screen went black.

"Don't bother!" said Leela.

 

Back on board the Nimbus, Zapp rushed into his bedroom and stood before Zigo's portrait.

"Master, I believe I have found you the perfect host for your wicked soul!"

"Good!" said Zigo. "Go, now! Bring me the child so that I may live again, and you shall have your reward!"

"Yes master! I must now go prepare for my departure!" said Zapp. He ran out of the bedroom.

Zigo chuckled to himself. "Soon, woe to the Earth, all power to me!"

 

Later, at 10:55 P.M., the crew is still sitting on the couch as Fry and Leela watch Alex. They were still watching the pagaent. Leela had Alex on her lap, feeding him with his bottle.

On screen, Michelle poses before an excited audience in a beautiful purple dress and red high-heeled shoes. The judges all had big smiles on their faces. Michelle received a total score of 85 out of 100 points.

"I don't understand how the scoring works?" said Fry.

"It all depends on the looks on the judge's faces," said Leela as she placed Alex on her shoulder. She gently tapped his back until he burped.

Finally it was Jessica Iris' turn.

"Well folks," said the announcer, "it is finally time for the undefeated beauty queen Jessica Iris to appear. She's confident that she will win another victory this year!"

"She's got my vote," said Bender.

Jessica walks onto the stage wearing an extremely revealing see-through red dress and red sandals. Underneath, she wore a skimpy red two piece bikini revealing cleavage. The audience goes crazy with applause and cheers.

"The judges appear to be taking a break," said the announcer. "They're drinking something out of numerous cans. It appears to be the new popular drink, Sour Slurm, made by the same company that makes Slurm so popular!"

The judges lower their cups, cringing.

"Wowee! I've never tasted anything so sour!" one said.

There's a loud buzzer as the scores appear. Everyone is horrified, but not as horrified as Jessica.

A perfect zero.

Everyone gasps. Jessica is furious.

"I've never been so offended in all my life!" she screamed. And she stormed off the stage.

The scores for all participants are recorded.

"According to our scores, we have a new Miss Earth this year. Michelle! Jessica Iris, eat your heart out!"

The crowd cheers as Michelle is crowned and handed a bouquet of flowers.

"You know, I once entered a beauty pagaent," said Leela. "And I won!"

Suddenly, the door opens. But there's no one standing outside.

Without warning, a gas grenade is tossed inside the room. Green smoke begins to fill the apartment.

Coughs were heard, along with thuds as Fry, Leela, and the others collapsed.

When the smoke cleared, Zapp Brannigan entered the room. Seated on the couch, still clutching Alex, was an unconscious Leela. He too was fast asleep. Carefully, Zapp pried Alex out of Leela's grasp.

"OK, little one," he said. "You are coming with me! Zigo awaits!" He dashed out of the apartment, clutching Alex. "One hour to go, and then, party time!" he said. He ran outside to where a small DOOP spacecraft awaited him. Then he placed Alex inside.

Then, he got another idea. He ran back into the building, and returned to Fry's apartment. Everyone was still unconcious. He picked up Leela and carried her outside to his ship and also placed her inside. Then he sat on the pilot seat.

"Look out, here I come!" he said as the ship lifted off the ground and into the sky.

 

To Be Continued

Buddies