You Should Have Snoo-Snoo Only Once
I don't own futurama or any of its characters. (Though their spy counterparts were my creations.)
SpyORama Main Title (Kind of James Bondish, but with an influence of Danny Elfman.)
Mission Title: You Should Have Snoo-Snoo Only Once
Spy Tip #20: A spy should learn martial arts and martial arts should be practiced with enjoy...of wanting to stay
(This story takes place right after, "JX: Rise of the Jinx Revolution".)
(Opening Scene. We are in a hideout and we see a dark figure talking to another dark figure. The second dark
figure has a cigarette.)
DF1: You have the photograph?
DF2: (Holding it) Yes, I see it.
DF1: You know what to do?
DF1: Good, you will have no trouble getting those two. (Laughs as DF2 takes a cigarette and burns a hole in the
picture. Cut to Fry and Leela and they are wrapped in chains and are dangling upside-down over a vat of acid. We
see Zapp, Kif, Michelle and a few henchmen laughing over.)
Fry: Tell me again, how did we let Zapp do this to us?
Leela: You forgot to reload our weapons.
Fry: Oh yeah, but why were our lasers empty?
Leela: You and Zoidberg were using them to try and shoot rats up in the attic.
Fry: Oh right.
Zapp: Now, you two are in my clutches. You tried to stop me from completing my most evil plan yet, but you failed.
Kif, can you smell the irony? (Kif sighs.)
Kif: Sir, I don't think your plan was really that evil.
Zapp: Nonsense, returning videos that aren't rewound is a big act of evil, right?
Leela: The only reason we came after you is because you stole my rented video and I would like to return it before
the due date.
Zapp: Yes, I meant to steal the video you rented. (Reveals it is Steel Magnolias.) It good blend of women strong and
persevering on the inside, with good accessories and big hair on the outside. Kif load up my VCR.
Kif: Sir, this movie is typically viewed by wome...
Zapp: That was an order! Go! (Kif leaves with the tape. No sooner then Kif leaves, Leela has managed to use her
diamond scrunchie and cut the chains then help Fry to land safely on the ground. Zapp looks mad.)
Zapp: Men, get them.
(Four guys come out of nowhere and Leela starts to fight. One guy comes up with a lead pipe in his left hand. He
tries to go for a head strike, when Leela manages to grab his left elbow with one hand and using her other hand
manages to cut down on the henchman's left wrist. She's in control and then she kicks the henchman right in the
face. Another henchman comes up to her and tries to punch her with his right fist, when Leela manages to move out
of the way very quickly and does a spinning kick knocking his teeth out. Fry is faced with another henchman.)
Fry: Alright, time to rock-n-roll. (He gets punched in the face a few times and gets knocked down. Leela has just
taken care her third opponent when she comes over and with a take down move has the guy land on his back.)
Leela: Fry, are you okay?
Fry: I think so, I could've taken him.
(Just then Kif enters and with his cane pulls out a sword. As Kif charges with the sword, Leela manages to move Fry
out of the way and she is face fighting with Kif. Kif tries to slice her head and feet, but Leela manages to duck and
jump avoiding the blade. Kif tries a diagonal strike, but Leela backs away. As Kif's sword hits the floor, Leela
punches Kif right in the face knocking him out.)
Zapp: Fine, you win. (Throws the video tape back and Leela catches it.) But keep in mind that Zapp Brannigan will
be back and have a much more evil plan. Come Michelle. (Michelle just has a embarrassed expression as they
leave. As Fry and Leela talk, Zapp's henchmen start to get up and leave.)
Fry: Leela, you were great. You just took out five guys with your martial arts.
Leela: It was nothing, if you are a black belt of Octuran Kung Fu.
Fry: Maybe you could show me a few moves?
Leela: I wish I could, but we'd have to leave Earth.
Fry: Say again?
Leela: Octuran Kung Fu, was banded from being taught on Earth ten years ago.
Fry: Why is that?
Leela: It goes back to the Octuran War of 2969. After that war, many Octuran refugees moved to Earth and many
were Senseis of Octuran Kung Fu. I was trained by a great old Sensei when I was still in high school. I managed to
earn my black belt in less than a year.
Fry: That is impressive. Is this Sensei, still around?
Leela: No, I'm afraid not. Right after I earned my black belt, the Earth government had passed a law that banned the
teaching of certain foreign martial arts: Octuran Kung Fu, Venusian Kick-boxing and a few others. So many Senseis
like mine, left Earth to other planets that would allow them to teach their martial arts.
Fry: Why did Earth banned this Octuran Kung Fu?
Leela: Earthican/Octuran relations haven't been good after the Octuran War.
Fry: Why, did we lose?
Leela: Lose is such a strong word. Earth officials say we were forced to leave after strong tensions and lack of
knowledge of the Octuran fighting techniques.
Fry: Oh, seems like the right way to put it. So you haven't seen your Sensei for ten years?
Leela: Yeah, I never knew what happened to him. (Just then, Jinx comes flying through a window.)
Jinx: Agent 1BDI, I have something for you. (Reaches in her pocket and Fry and Leela look prepared, but Jinx only
pulls out a nail file and files her nail.)
Jinx: Man, that hang nail was annoying. (Puts nail file away.) Now then as I was saying Agent 1BDI, I have
something for you. (Reaches in another pocket, Fry and Leela react the same way as before when Jinx pulls out a
invitation and hands it to Leela.)
Jinx: This is for you two to come to my parents' barbeque for Mars Day. And I have one for Kif if he's around.
Kif: (Just getting up now.) I'm here.
Leela: This is a trick. Ironfinger is setting a trap for us?
Jinx: No, this isn't a trick, because Ironfinger is not smart enough to come up with something like this.
Leela: Well then, why would your parents invite us?
Jinx: Because they think you are my best friend, from when we both went to Mars to save 014.
(Flashback. Back to "Jinx Full Throttle" the scene you never saw. Leela and Jinx land on Mars in the Halle BXW
and or a mile away from the Wong Ranch. In the background we see another hovercar land behind a rock and it is
Kif who peaks out of the window.)
Leela: That is where your family lives?
Leela: Why did you park so far?
Jinx: Cause we need to change our clothes. We are not going to show up to my parents' house dressed as spies. My
parents don't know, I'm a spy.
Leela: How come you never told them? I've told my parents I'm a spy.
Jinx: Your parents probably don't think it would be a waste of time instead of trying to produce grandchildren for
them. So when we get there, call me Amy.
(Cut to them wearing their signature clothes and they knock on the door of the House.)
Leela: (looking at Amy's pink sweat-suit and with sarcasm.) Nice outfit, for a rich girl, you look like you are doing
Amy: Looks who's talking, you look like robbed Ellen Ripley. (Just then the mail slot opens and we see two sets of
eyes.) Hello mom, dad? It is me, Amy and I've come with my "friend", Leela.
Inez: Open the door, Leo. It is Amy with her one eyed friend. (Door opens and Amy and Leela enter. Cut to
everybody sitting in the living room.)
Leo: So, you are my daughter's best friend?
Leela: Yes...that is me alright.
Leo: So what do you do?
Leela: I umm...
Amy: She works with me as an intern for Mr. Ironfinger.
Leela: That is right. (With a fake smile.)
Leo: So how long have you been friends with our Amy?
Leela: Oh we've known each other for quite some time. We see each other all the time in our line of work.
Inez: Are you seeing anybody, Ms. Leela
Leela: Why no.
Inez: Do you know anybody that may be a good enough husband for my Amy and help produce a child?
Leo: Please, Inez we promised not to mention about grandchildren until after an half a hour. It's only been 15
Amy: Mom, dad, can we just ask you what we've come for?
Leo: Yes, Amy what is it?
Amy: Leela and me are entering a motocross race here on Mars. The event is in a few days and we would like to
know if we can stay here and borrow a few hover cycles until then.
Inez: Motocross race? That sounds too dangerous, you might injury yourself and not be able to be good healthy
mom. I'll bet Ms. Leela put you up to this dangerous race.
Leela: Nonsense, motocross is a safe competition.
Amy: Please, mom and dad?
Inez: Alright, but we hold Ms. Leela responsible if anything happens to our daughter.
Leela: Don't worry Mr. and Mrs. Wong, I promise to look after Amy. After all she is my "best friend" and I enjoy
hanging out with her.
Leo: So we expect to see you often, when Amy comes to visit?
Leela: I guess you can say that. (Cut to Leela and Amy outside the front door.)
Amy: Thanks for going along with the charade. You are good at it.
Leela: No problem, next time you need help in fooling your parents, I'm willing to help.
(End Flashback and we go back to Jinx, Fry, Leela and Kif.)
Jinx: You promised that you'd come back to Mars and pretend to be my friend to fool my parents and I expect you to
hold up to that promise.
Leela: (Groans) I only said that because you said we were best friends in order to explain myself for being there.
And I just wanted to hurry things up to save Fry.
Jinx: Well tough, my parents expect me to bring my "friend". You, 014 and Kif have to come, since you are the only
people I know personally.
Leela: What about Ironfinger?
Jinx: Please, like I would let him meet my parents? I told them he couldn't make it because he's on a business trip.
Leela: He doesn't mind that you are associating yourself with us?
Jinx: He has no choice. According to the new Femme Fatale contract I signed, he agreed that I can take time off
whenever I want and I can do whatever I want, even if it means having to associate with my enemies to fool my
(Cut to Ironfinger at his home at 196.967 Auric Ave. Ironfinger is laughing evilly.)
Ironfinger: At last I, Bender B. Ironfinger, has finally come up with the most evil plan, yet. Soon the Earth will be
mine. Jinx...(Looks around.)...Jinx...(looks around again.) Where is Jinx? (Scruffy enters.)
Scruffy: Jinx is gone.
Ironfinger: Where is she?
Scruffy: She went to her parents' house.
Ironfinger: Damn that new contract. I wasted a perfectly good villain rant. What's the point in committing acts of
villainy if I don't a female henchman. I mean sure she's a human, and I'm a robot, but having a female henchman is
important for a villain such as myself. I shows people that I'm not a Romo Sexual. I can't risk being anymore
different than I am now, I have a finger made of iron, damn it!
Scruffy: Show what is Ironfinger going to do now?
Ironfinger: I suppose I'll have to spare the Earth from my villainy for now and just drink some booze and watch
some TV. (Scruffy just nods agreeing to that. Cut back to Jinx and company.)
Jinx: So what do you say, 1BDI?
Leela: I don't know.
Fry: Come on Leela, you did promise to fool her parents and you told me that a spy always keeps a promise.
Leela: You are right, Fry. Okay Jinx, we'll go.
Jinx: Good cause we need to go right away.(Just then Fry's communicator picks it up.)
Fry: Agent C, what up?
Hermes: I need for you and Agent 1BDI to show up immediately. You guys have another mission.
Hermes: No buts, we need you. (Signs out.)
Fry: What do we do now Leela?
Leela: I don't know, let me think.
Jinx: You promised to come to Mars with me.
Leela: I know, well this is a problem. Wait, your parents have only met me and not Fry. Fry, you are just going to
have to do the mission by yourself.
Fry: Me, on a solo mission?
Leela: I trust you will do fine, just promise not to screw up, too much.
Fry: Don't worry Leela, I won't let you down.
(Next Scene at PE HQ. Fry is in the Professor lab and sees a stuffed bear much like one of the stuffed bears from the
episode, "Love and Rocket". The bear has a note on its chest that reads, "Evildoers squeeze me." Fry picks up the
Fry: Oh aren't you cute. (Squeezes it and from the mouth of the bear, it shoots a flame of fire. Fry is able to avoid
the large flame, so that it is only able to set part of his hair on fire. Fry screams in terror as he is able to put out the
flames. The Professor enters.)
Professor: What the hell are you doing playing with my teddy bear flamethrower?
Fry: Why would you come up with something like this?
Professor: It is for defeating your enemies. I plan to market lethal toys and sell them only to villains. That should
put an end to evil, oh yes. (Hermes enters.)
Hermes: Aw 014, I'm glad to see you, but where is Agent 1BDI?
Fry: She is unfortunately...sick and she can't make it.
Hermes: Oh that is terrible news, but needless to say you'll have to work with our newest agent.
Fry: Newest agent?
Hermes: Since, Agent 1BDI is unavailable for this mission, you 014 will have to be assigned a different and
Hermes: Say hello to Agent Jackie Anderson. (She walks in and Fry rises his eyes.)
Jackie: Hello, Agent 014.
Fry: (Stunned) Why hello, there.
Hermes: Ms. Anderson is here on behalf of the Martian government.
Fry: Martian government? You mean this mission is about Mars?
Hermes: Yes. (Turns on a 3D image screen and an image of an alien appears.)
Hermes: Now, this is Phnog an old Sensei master.
Fry: What's he guilty for?
Jackie: Sensei Phnog is one of the most highly powerful Senseis in this galaxy. He is a master of all types of martial
arts. Many that are banned from being taught on Earth, but are legal on Mars.
Hermes: Sources say, Phnog has a huge hidden martial arts camp and is training warriors that he'll use to take over
our Earth government.
Fry: Where is this camp?
Jackie: We don't know, all we know is that he has a school in Western Region of Mars. It is very popular, it's right
by a Marsbucks, they serve great coffee.
Hermes: Many of his new students are Earth refugees that left Earth after Earth banned many martial arts.
Professor: All types of martial arts used to be taught on Earth, ever since the 2003 film, The Last Samurai made
martial arts cool to the main stream public, but when people started learning many martial arts that originated from
hostile planets, Earth passed the laws, banning the teaching of those martial arts, causing many people to just simply
Hermes: Phnog was one those people who was forced to leave Earth, so he's planning this takeover out of revenge.
Fry: What do you want us to do, Agent C?
Hermes: You are to go undercover as an Earth refugee wanting to learn illegal martial arts and find out where Master
Phnog has this hidden training camp. Agent Jackie will be going with you since she's a resident Martian and knows
her way around the Martian underworld.
Jackie: It will be an honor to be working with you, Agent 014. It is shame though that Agent 1BDI won't be joining
Professor: Now 014, before you go to Mars you'll have to take this. (Hands him a wooden sword.)
Fry: A wooden sword?
Jackie: It is a boken, a weapon that is used for martial arts practice.
Professor: Not just any boken, but a boken with a special computer chip that allows it to be controlled by voice
Fry: Really? Let's see. Come to me. (Sticks his hand out and the boken flies through the air, but hits Fry right in the
Professor: You'll get use to it. Now, I also have a Gi, for you to wear when you practice martial arts on Mars.
(Hands it to him and Fry notices it wrapped in plastic.)
Fry: Does it do anything?
Professor: I can't remember, you'll have to find out for yourself.
Hermes: So, off you two go, the ship is ready for your trip.
(Next Scene. Mars and we see, the Halle BXW, and we see Leela, Amy and Kif. Leela and Amy are dressed in their
signature Futurama clothes. Kif has some civilian clothes. They land the car right by the Wongs' home.)
Leela: Well, we've made it.
Amy: Now remember, please don't mention anything to my parents. They must've know that we are spies and work
Leela: I don't work for idiots, I were for the Earthican government.
Amy: Shmeeh, what's the difference? (They get out of the car and walks to the front door. They ring the door bell
and Leo and Inez answer.)
Leo: Amy! We're so glad to see you.
Amy: Hi mom, hi dad.
Inez: Amy, come in and with your weird friends.
(Kif, Leela and Amy enter and they pass by the living room and make it to the backyard.)
Amy: Mom, dad you both know Leela and this is Kif Kroker.
Kif: Please, to meet you. (Shakes Leo's hand.)
Leo: So Amy, how's things been on Earth?
Kif: Lots of things have happened on Earth, haven't you read any newspapers.
Leo: Martian newspapers, but we don't read much on news on Earth.
Kif: Oh, I guess that explains why you haven't heard that Ironfinger was...
Amy: Kif! (Elbows him.)
Kif: ...nothing. (Inez and Leo just look confused.)
Inez: So Amy, are you seeing this person?
Inez: He look too puny to help you produce a grandchild.
Amy: Mom, he's only my friend, I'm not seeing him. Please, you two are embarrassing me.
Leo: Come, we'll show you guys around.
(They pass by a big corral and we see Buggalo all around. Giant bug like aliens grazing just like cattle.)
Leo: These are our Buggalo, most of our fortune is produced by handling buggalo.
Inez: We harvest them for milk, meat, and use their shells for row boats.
Leela: You must be very proud.
Leo: We are, thanks to the buggalo we practically own western hemisphere, that best hemisphere on Mars.
Leela: Much like Earth.
Leo: oh look at the time, we must prepare for Mars Day Barbeque.
(Next Scene. The PE ship and it flies over Mars and it lands outside a Martian City. Fry and Jackie exit the ship as
it begins to take off again. Fry and Jackie wave goodbye while carrying a few bags.)
Fry: So Ms. Anderson, what do we do now?
Jackie: That city is the city of Aires, capital of Mars and that is where we'll find Phnog's main dojo.
Fry: Good, and also I could use a cup of coffee, half shaken, half stirred.
(Cut to them facing the outside of Phnog's Dojo. Fry has a cup of coffee. The building is two stories, with the
second floor just being a home. A sign reads on the first story reads, "Phnog's Institute of Martial Arts" underneath
is "Owned by the Greatest Martial Artist Who Ever Killed".)
Fry: (reading) "Greatest Martial Artist Who Ever Killed?"
Jackie: Sensei Phnog is a master of some of the most deadly martial arts in all the galaxies One of the reasons why
Earth banned most of them.
Fry: This doesn't look like a training camp for an evil Sensei. This looks like a place where a Sensei teaches and
Jackie: this is just a front. Phnog's real training camp is hidden in a secret base on Mars. We need to enroll in his
public class, and show him how good students we are.
Fry: How will that help?
Jackie: Once he sees we're good students and aren't here to just try out for the first year, he'll introduce us to secret
(They enter and to the left we see a couch and many books on Martial Arts. To the right a desk and chair.
Straight ahead we see the mat and a back room. Coming out is Phnog with a Sempai. They are dressed in their Gis
and have on blue hakamas. Daniel looks like an old Ralph Macchio.)
Phnog: And that Sempai Daniel is how you get the job done.
Daniel: You are wise Sensei, getting the students to clean the dojo for free instead of paying a cleaning service is a
Phnog: Yes, and it makes some of our lousy students seem useful and make them stay longer. (Laughs until he sees
Jackie and Fry.) Oh I'm sorry, may I help you two?
Jackie: We are interested in applying to your dojo.
Phnog: Oh I am pleased.
(Bows and walks across the mat and bows out as he gets off the mat. Daniel follows.)
Phnog: Please, allow me to introduce myself. I am Phnog, Sensei of this dojo and this is one of the instructors,
Daniel: (bows) The pleasure is mine.
Jackie: I am Jackie Anderson and this is...
Fry: Fry, Philip J. Fry.
Phnog: Sempai Daniel, please explain to our guests about our dojo.
Daniel: Well we offer you a one year contract. Within that year you can try any of the styles we teach: Octuran Kung
Fu, Venusian Kick-boxing, Martian Karate and many more.
Fry: That sounds good.
Jackie: We'll try the Octuran Kung Fu.
Daniel: Good cause we have a class in less then an hour. We'll get you registered, you both will have to fill out a
waiver saying that you are training of your own free will, and you won't hold us responsible if you get hurt in the
training. And that includes if you train with one of the students from the Squid Hexapod Planet.
Jackie: We are okay with that.
Phnog: (holding two contracts.) Good, now much like the naive young woman who desires to be pop star, please sign
(Fry and Jackie do so. Next Scene, back on the Wong Ranch. Leo is cooking at the grill and is serving Buggalo to
many guests. Amy grabs two plates and walks over to Leela and Kif and hands them both a plate and they eat.)
Kif: Thank you, Amy for inviting me over to your parents' barbeque.
Amy: No problem and I'm sorry about what my parents said. They embarrass me all the time what with them
wanting me to give them a grandchild.
Kif: Actually, I wasn't all that offended. (Smiles at Amy, Amy smiles back, but it a nervous way as she heads
towards to Leela, who looks uneasy.)
Amy: Leela? Are you okay? If the food is bad don't worry, my parents have a truck load of Pepto Bismol around
Leela: No, it isn't that. I'm just worried about Fry. This is his first real mission without me.
Amy: Relax Leela, I'm sure he's doing fine.
(Pan to see they are being watched by a dark figure and it is the one from opening scene.)
DF: Yes, I have a lock on one of the targets. Better use a smoke screen. (He seems to a hover cycle like he's from
some space motorcycle gang and he fires a few smoke bombs on the party. Then the dark figure takes a huge laser
and blasts the barbeque area. Leo nearly avoids being blasted. Then the Dark figure manages to drive the hover
cycle into the cloud of smoke now consuming the area.)
Amy: Mom, dad are you okay?
Leela: Quick everybody get inside.
Inez: Not before you wipe your feet.
(Just then the dark figure drives in and grabs someone and speeds right out. Mostly everybody has made in the
house and as the smoke clears outside, Leela looks from the window and turns to check everybody.)
Leela: Is everyone okay?
(Everyone gives a signs saying they are okay.)
Kif: I could've sworn I saw someone riding a hover cycle.
Inez: Wait! Where is Amy? (Everyone looks around and she is gone.)
Inez: Our Amy has been kidnaped.
Leela: Who would kidnap your daughter?
Leo: We're not sure. I don't understand, we are the richest, most powerful people on Mars, why would anyone want
to kidnap our Amy?
Leela: Don't worry, I'll take care of this.
Inez: What are you talking about? You are an intern, what can you do?
Leela: (realizing that she's revealing her true self to Amy's parents.) Aw..nothing, I meant to say I plan to have the
proper authorities deal with this. In fact, I'll go get them right now.
(Walks out of the house and Kif follows her.)
Kif: Ms. Leela, where are you going?
Leela: I'm going to inform Martian authorities and then I'm going back to Earth.
Kif: You are leaving?
Leela: Yeah, I have to get back to PE HQ.
Kif: But Amy's been kidnaped.
Leela: I know, but what do you want me to do?
Kif: Help save her.
Leela: Hello, she's my enemy we've fought dozens of times on Earth and besides she can handle herself.
Kif: Ms. Leela, you promised that you would help Amy while you were on Mars and didn't you promise her parents
you'd look after their Amy?
Leela: I know I did, but...okay fine I'll go save her.
Kif: And I'll help.
Leela: First, we better look for some clues. (Searches the ground and finds an empty lighter. Cut to Leela and Kif in
the BXW. Leela uses the computer to analyze the lighter.) Whoever kidnaped Amy dropped this. The computer
says it was made on Mars and by the company that went out of business years ago, so it is not likely that this brand of
lighter would be common.
Kif: Which company was it?
Leela: The Lightercastle Company, they only had one factory and it was in the town of Iliad.
(Cultural Reference: Iliad is the name of a poem written by Greek poet Homer, in which he mocked Ares, god of
war. Next Scene. Phnog's public training school. We see Fry exiting a dressing room and has on his gi and looks
Fry: Oh man, class is about to start, I hope I do good.
Man1: Relax, it's fun the first time. (Looks Asian.)
Fry: Who are you?
Simon: Sensei Phnog says that names are like heavy labels they put on your luggage at the overcrowded airport, they
weigh us down. But if you must know, I'm Simon, and I've been training here for six months. Sensei says, I'm
doing very well, especially in cleaning the mirrors in the dojo.
Man2: Hi, I'm Julius and I'm one of the senior students. (Julius is a young, tall Octuran and he's a black-belt.)
Man3: What's shakin? (Looks Asian, with a 1970's Afro.)
Julius: (To Fry) This is Kurt. Kurt this is Mr. Fry, a new student.
Kurt: Far out man, nice to see some new people. I'm Kurt, and I'm from Funky Chinatown.
Fry: Funky Chinatown?
Julius: It is on the West side of Ares.
(Jackie exits the women's dressing room and has on her gi and she has a black-belt. She is followed by another
female who looks Asian and she has a black-belt as well. They both stop to talk to the guys while a few female
beginners pass by and head to the mat.)
Kurt: Hey Foxy ladies.
Jessica: Hey, Kurt, Julius, Simon. Who's your friend?
Fry: Fry, Philip J. Fry.
Jessica: I'm Jessica and I'm pleased that Jackie here is another black-belt. I get to train with an expert.
Fry: Isn't Julius an expert? (Noticing his black-belt.)
Jessica: He is and he's also a guy. Sensei Phnog only allows people to train with the same gender and most of the
other females are only beginners.
Kurt: Well, I gotta do some meditating, catch you all on the flip slide. (Heads to the mat.)
Jackie: Fry, how's the gi?
Fry: It feels alright, except it feels so cold.
Julius: That's because your not wearing a T-shirt underneath. You'll get use to it. (Pauses) Well, we better get on the
mat, class will begin in a few minutes.
(Fry heads down to where the mat is and sees a few students bow and they step on the mat. Fry does the same and as
he is completely on the mat he freezes.)
Fry: My God, I'm practicing martial arts, and I'm feeling a sudden coldness. Could it be my mind telling me of what
Julius: Probably, but more likely it is because your bare-footed on a cold mat. It happens to all newcomers.
(Moments later, Fry notices the students. They are all of different species, humans, aliens and such.)
Fry: Wow, look at all the different aliens.
Julius: Yes, we have people of all species practice here. Martial arts has a way of bringing different people together,
just like an Ozzy Concert or the first week of a new hit reality show. Come Mr. Fry we must practice seiza, or sitting
on our knees, waiting for Sensei to arrive.
(Sits on his knees on the mat, and Fry soon follows, but his knees crack a bit and he's trying to fight the pain.)
Julius: How is it?
Fry: Aside from the pain and numbness, I feel pretty good.
Julius: Good, that is how you should feel.
(Fry notices a black and white picture on the wall, it is a picture of an old Octuran, more older than Phnog.
Underneath is a framed message in Alien Language. The translation reads, "Come to train with joy and don't forget
your checkbook before entering the mat.")
Fry: Who's the old alien on the wall?
Julius: That is the Great Morti, or Old Sensei.
Fry: Old Sensei?
Julius: Phnog's ancestor, and creator of Octuran Kung Fu and legend has it, Old Sensei helped to develop martial
arts from the very beginning. Martial Arts would not be what is today, if not for him. Though many skeptics believe
that martial arts was developed by watching the movements of monkeys fighting, but that theory is pretty unlikely.
(Sensei Phnog enters the dojo, followed by a few Sempais. As they enter the mat, students bow to Sensei. He passes
by a Squid Hexapod alien. The squid is green and has two tentacles for legs and four for arms. The Squid is about
to chop a few blocks of wood. He is able to break all of them.)
Phnog: Excellent, you have the will of the warrior and also we'll use those pieces of wood to build a new bookshelf
and you just saved me money on carpentry.
Squid: Thank you, Sensei. (Bows)
Phnog: Alright, lets prepare for class. (Everybody lines up sitting on their knees and as Phnog sits in front them. He
bows to his students and his students bow back and them Phnog turns around to the picture of Morti and bows and
the students do the same. Phnog then turns around facing the students again.)
Phnog: Alright, before we start let's review our last weeks sales, Sempai Daniel.
Daniel: Well, I'm pleased that the Morti T-shirts sales have doubled. Not bad that we sale them for $25 and it only
costs us $10 to make the T-shirts.
Phnog: Good, Sempai Matt, how about the DVD sales? (Sempai Matt resembles but is legally distinct from the Jedi
Knight with the cone head.)
Matt: Sensei, we are pleased to say that the DVD sales of your lectures and martial arts training are up from 2 weeks
ago, they just beat the Tae-bo Training DVDs.
Phnog: Good news, Billy Blank's head can now kiss my green Octuran ass. And what about the book sells?
Matt: (Has one of the books in his hand.) Your book, The Way of Martial Arts: Killing Lessons From An Octuran
Sensei went up to #1 on the Mars' Best Seller's List.
Phnog: Good, now then, I am pleased to see new faces here in the dojo. Learning martial arts is not easy, it is like
learning to run where one has never walked or going on American Idol where one has never sung. Only here you
won't get a record contract just for amusement like William Hung, and when I say record contract I mean black belt.
Now, let's begin with a warm up move. Simmons please come up.
Simon: Sensei, my name is Simon.
Phnog: What did I tell you about names?
Simon: Yes, Sensei.
(Simon just bows and he gets up and they are face to face.)
Phnog: Now, come at me like homeless person begging for money.
(Simons rushes Phnog, when Phnog manages to move out of the way, and as Simon turns around to rush him again,
Phnog does a side kick right on Simon's head. The students look on as Simon hits the ground and he's trying to get
Phnog: As you can see class, by stepping out of the way and performing a side kick, your attacker will fall faster than
the ratings of a new show on FOX. Remember one thing, the purpose of martial arts is to be able to defend yourself
and prevent your attacker from wanting to continue the fight.
Jessica: (Raises her hand.) Excuse me Sensei, I always thought that protecting your attacker from serious injury was
also apart of martial arts?
Phnog: Sure, if you want to make your attacker think you are soft like big fluffy marshmallow about to be burned in
Simon: (With his hand on the right side of head is bleeding and blood is on the mat.) Sensei, I think I need a doctor.
(Blood continues to flow from his head.)
Phnog: It is just a manner cut, no sense in babying it and also get a mop and clean the blood off the mat before it
stains. The rest of you practice with a partner. (The students bow to Sensei and each bow to a partner. Fry ends up
getting paired with a Julius.)
Fry: Alright Julius, I'm ready.
Julius: Okay, come at me. (Fry does the same as Simon and gets kicked by Julius.)
Fry: Wait, let me try that again. (He's trying to get up, but rubs his head due to the kick. After three more times, it is
Fry's turn to kick, but when Julius comes at Fry, Fry is not quick enough to move out of the way and gets hit. After a
few tries, Julius gets tired of hitting Fry.)
Julius: Are you sure you want to continue?
Fry: (Dazed) Yes. (Cut to Fry trying to chop a block, but as he tries, he ends up just injuring in hand. The song
"Kung Fu Fighting" by Karl Douglas is playing. Next scene has Jackie throwing ninja stars at a target. The students
and Phnog look from the sideline and are impressed. Fry tries to throw a few ninja stars only instead of hitting
straight ahead they aim at the sidelines nearly hitting the students. Cut to Fry sitting off the mat with an ice pack.
Julius comes up to him.)
Julius: Man Mr Fry, you stink, I mean even the blind student did well on the ninja star throwing. I haven't seen this
amount of lousy performance since Simon first can here.
Fry: Yeah, I saw his performance, too.
Julius: Maybe, Octuran Kung Fu is not your thing, maybe you should quit.
Fry: No, I can't quit.
Julius: Alright then. (Heads back to the mat. Fry watches on as he sees Jackie perform at take down move on
Jessica and that impresses Phnog.)
Fry: Man, Jackie looks good out there, I wish I could be just as good. But I can't, this gi the Professor gave me was
supposed to help me with my martial arts training, but it isn't. How is it supposed to help me? (He feels the fabric
of the Gi then he tightens his belt harder, it causes an electrical current that covers his whole body and it causes Fry
to stand up and he has the same expression as Bruce Lee when he's about to fight. Fry enters the mat and punches
the first student he sees. Another student walks up to him and Fry does a spinning heel kick and kicks him right in the
chin. Two more students try to tackle Fry, but Fry is able to fend them off. Phnog and the Sempais look on.)
Daniel: Shall, we take him out, Sensei?
Phnog: No, I am pleased with his ability, it may prove useful. (Fry has managed to beat up six people, but then
others start to back away. Phnog walks up to Fry, and Fry seems to be out of his zone.)
Fry: What happened?
Phnog: That is most impressive. You've beaten up six of my students having complete disregard for their well
Fry: (Confused) Thanks, I think.
Phnog: However, I must see if you really are good. Sempai Daniel get the wooden boken.
(Sempai Daniel grabs one and starts practicing with it, making over head strikes. Every time he makes a strike it
makes a noise with the air. Fry remembers his boken and races off the mat bowing out. He makes it to the dressing
room and gets his boken. He heads back to mat bowing in. He is face to face with Daniel.)
Phnog: Now, practice.
(Daniel does an over head strike, but Fry leans to the left side with his boken close to his forehead, but it's not
touching his forehead. Daniel's blade hits Fry's boken and merely slides off. Daniel then tries a cross slice, but Fry
manages to block it with his boken again. Daniel continues to strike, but Fry is equally as quick as he blocks every
strike. Fry then makes a strike of his own and knocks Daniel's boken out of his hands. Fry then uses the boken to
trip Daniel and places the tip of the boken about half an inch from Daniel's head. Phnog merely has a smile on his
Phnog: Thank you, Mr. Fry. That was all I needed to see. Class dismissed.
(Cut to Fry and few of the guys changing into their street clothes.)
Kurt: Damn, Fry that was Dy-no-mite.
Julius: Very impressive.
Simon: Man, if I wasn't so dizzy from the lose of blood, I'd give you a high five.
Fry: Don't let that stop you. (They try to high five but due to Simon's lack of coordination because of blood loss, he
misses and he falls and hits the floor.)
Simon: I'm okay.
Julius: (To Fry) Hope to see you tomorrow.
Fry: Sure. (Walks out the dressing room with his gym bag. Sempai Daniel enters.)
Daniel: Fry San, Sensei wishes to speak with you from his apt. upstairs.
Julius: Wow, your first class and you already get to see Sensei's home. Simon's been here for six months and he's
never been allowed to see Sensei's home.
Simon: (Still on the floor.) Has anybody called a doctor yet? I'm feeling so lightheaded.
(Cut to Fry stepping out the back door and to his right is a flight of stairs leading to Sensei's home. Fry looks
straight ahead and he sees a lovely garden, home of many Venus Flytraps.)
Voice: Hello, can you please pass me that watering can to the left of you?
(Fry looks to his left and sees the watering can. He looks ahead and sees the person. It is a female Octuran, much
older than Phnog.)
Fry: Sure. (Grabs the can and walks over to hand it.) Here you go, Ms...
Numa: ...Numa, and thank you, young man. (Waters the plants, the fly traps act viciously snapping their mouths at
Fry. He backs away scared.) Oh don't worry, they are just hungry. (Reaches into a sack and pulls out a live squirrel
and feeds it to a flytrap. She does it a few times then turns to Fry.) So, what brings you here to view the garden?
Fry: Sensei Phnog asked me to see him in his home, my name is Fry, Philip J. Fry. What are you doing here, Ms.
Numa: I'm Sensei Phnog's care-giver. I water his plants, do the cooking, do the laundry, and tape his favorite TV
shows while he teaches class.
Fry: Wow, you sure do a lot, especially for someone your age.
Numa: With age comes wisdom and discount prices. We Octurans aren't as old as we look.
Fry: So, how long have you been care-giver?
Numa: Oh I've been working for Mr. Phnog, since he was a baby.
Fry: You've known him that long? You must be a long-time friend of the family.
Numa: Yes, his father was a good Sensei master, his mother was very supportive. I took care of Mr. Phnog and I
also took care of his son, Julius.
Fry: Julius? You mean he's his son?
Numa: One of his top students, he's very proud of him. Julius's mother passed away when he was born and Phnog
spent his life training Julius to he as good as him. He hopes he makes a great replacement.
Numa: Mr. Phnog has been Sensei of this school for many years, since then he's taught martial arts on our home
planet, Earth and here on Mars. However, he can't do it forever. According to Octuran Tradition, once a Sensei
reaches a certain age, he must retire from being head of his school and must choose a successor. His father picked
Phnog and Phnog hopes one day his son will be his successor, if he proves himself.
Fry: Julius may be head of the school? Wow, he's lucky. My father was a war veteran and said he'd leave me his
old Nova and his bomb shelter he built in our family's basement.
Numa: Your body seems ready for what you are about to embark, but your mind still needs a little catching up.
Fry: I'm sorry...what?
Numa: I just hope Julius doesn't take the school in the direction his father has?
Fry: What do you mean?
Fry: Oops. (Looks at his watch.) I must be going. (Bows to Numa and heads back to the stairs and starts walking
up to Phnog's home as Numa goes back to feeding the Flytraps, furry little animals.)
Numa: (to Fry) You should find Mr. Phnog is in his mediating room, trying to be one with the universe, I believe!
(Fry enters the home and looks around seeing candles lit and the smell of incense consumes the room. He enters the
another and sees Phnog sitting cross-legged on a pillow.)
Fry: Wow, he really is mediating. Maybe it does make him one with the universe? Look how still and silent he sits.
(Phnog starts making heavy snores. He then wakes up to see Fry.)
Phnog: Oh Fry San, please enter. (Starts to stand up.) I'm pleased to see you and I must say I was very impressed
by your performance in class today. (They both bow to each other.)
Fry: Thanks, Sensei.
Phnog: You know Fry San, I could really use a person like you and someone like Ms. Anderson for my advanced
Fry: Advanced class?
Phnog: Yes, a very advanced class. With you apart of my organization you'll keep it connected, like cheap glue an
eight year old boy uses to make crappy model plane.
Fry: Well, since you put it that way, sure why not.
Phnog: (Hands him a card.) Here is address and promise only tell Ms. Anderson about this.
Fry: Okay. Thanks.
Phnog: Now, I must mediate some more, please leave. (Bows and sits on pillow and starts to snore heavily. Fry
walks out and as he's heading for the door he meets Numa again and she has a pan of freshly baked cookies.)
Numa: Would Fry San like a few cookies?
Fry: Sure. (Eats a few.) Mmm these taste better than usual for chocolate chip.
Numa: The secret is to add a tablespoon of orange juice.
Fry: Well, I better get going, I get to join Sensei's advanced class. (Exits out the door and when he's out of earshot.)
Numa: Too bad, you had such potential.
(Next Scene. A dark building and we see Amy, but she's in her Jinx outfit and she's strapped to a chair.)
Jinx: (Talking to whomever is in the darkness.) Look, I appreciate that you used an all purpose spray can to give me
the clothes I like, but who ever you are? If you don't let me go, I'm going to be mad.
Voice: Shut yo mouth, shank.
(Someone comes out the shadows and it is a young Native Martian from "Where and Buggalo Roam". Only this one
his feathers braided and is dressed in street clothes. He is followed by two other young Native Martians, both also
dressed like they were from the streets.)
Martian: Yo they call me Grand Master M and these are my boys, Scratches the Mix-A-lot and Big G.
Big G: Yo.
Grand Master: And together we are the MWA, Martians With Attitude.
Jinx: You are Native Martians?
Scratch: That's right.
Jinx: But, why are you dressed like that? I thought you Native Martians left Mars after you gave the planet away?
Grand Master: You smoking some wrong 411. Who told you that?
Jinx: My parents.
Grand Master: You see that's where you are wrong, you see your ancestors, who imposed themself on Mars played
us Martians for fools. They gave our people one lousy bead, or so we thought.
Scratch: Turned out, get this, it was a huge chuck of ice.
Jinx: Whoa, it probably melted by now.
Grand Master: Not that type of ice, a chuck of rock.
Jinx: Wait, so you have a boulder?
Scratch: No, we're talking diamond.
Big G: Yeah, our people became rich, and decided to leave Mars, start up a few casinos around the galaxy and make
Jinx: So, why aren't you three living it up.
Grand Master: You see, our old relatives, didn't want to be consumed by greed, so they stayed and since then we've
been living below the Martian surface dealing with hard times.
Scratch: When we realized our relatives had a chance to be rich, but didn't take it, well we were angry.
Big G: We felt we deserve a chance to be rich and it's hard.
Grand Master: We were sad that our debut rap cd didn't make it to gold on the charts.
Scratch: Straight Outta Mars. (Shows a copy of it. The cd cover resembles that of NWA's Straight Outta Compton
Jinx: So you kidnaped me, a descendant of the people who cheated you, for ransom?
Grand Master: Nah, it even like that, we didn't kidnap you. That ain't out style. We're paid to only make sure you
Jinx: Well then, who kidnaped me?
Voice: It was me. (She looks and sees coming out of the darkness, RJ. Jinx has her jaw wide open. He's has a Clint
Eastwood cowboy look. He's smoking a cigarette and on his poncho his has a picture of a lighter with a skull on it.
It sort of resembles but is legally distinct from another famous comic book symbol.)
RJ: What's the matter, Jinx? Didn't think you'd ever see me again?
Jinx: RJ, but I thought you were...
RJ: ...in jail? Well, I got early parole. They couldn't keep me in prison forever. You remember my partner, Joe?
(Joe comes out, he is still his alien camel self and has his sunglasses only now he has a Mexican Outlaw outfit.)
Joe: Como estas, Jinx? I've come back for the flavor. (Smokes a cigarette.)
Jinx: Are you still popular with the kids?
Grand Master: Yo RJ, I want to thank you for the stuff you gave us. (Grand Master, Big G and Scratch are seen with
an open crate. They pull out guns, beer and cigarettes.)
RJ: Don't mention, just thank the Mars ATF. Now, Jinx we just need to wait for your friend, Agent 1BDI and my
Jinx: First of all she's not my friend and second, why do you want Agent 1BDI?
RJ: That's my business, not yours. You seem to forget I'm a warrior, fighting a lonely war and I have my secrets.
Jinx: Lonely my ass, you have these henchmen and you don't even use them to do your dirty work. What kind of
warrior kidnaps a woman at her parents' barbeque?
RJ: Oh that will be revealed in time, but I'm willing to tell you now if the right offer was good. I am lonely in a
different way. (Starts stroking her hair, Jinx just looks disgusted.)
Jinx: Forget it, RJ.
RJ: Come on, you said I was good.
Jinx: That was in the past, a lot of things have changed in my life, I'm a femme fatale for a robot villain on Earth,
now and I've met many other guys since then.
RJ: You remember my story about being stuck on Planet Amazonia and I had to survive from their ways of torture,
they called it snoo-snoo and Jinx your snoo-snoo is still the best I've ever had. So how about it?
Jinx (In her mind): Don't fall for his cunningness, that's what you did the last time and looked what happened?
Wait, if I make him think I'm falling for his cunningness, maybe he'll unlock you from the chair and you can escape.
(Out loud to RJ and says in a seductive manner.) You know, RJ. I'm starting to feel why I liked you back then. (RJ
RJ: (To The MWA) You Martians guard the perimeter and Joe you supervise.
Joe: You got it. Let's go, men. (Joe leaves with the MWA. RJ unhooks Jinx from the chair.)
RJ: Now, where were we?
(RJ unhooks Jinx from the chair, and Jinx jumps out and kicks him and tries to escape. The MWA comes in. One
member tries a forward right hand punch, but Jinx moves to left and grabbing hold of his right hand and flips the
Martian over. Another comes at her with a broken bottle, but she moves out of the way of the overhead stab and as
the Martian misses, she kicks him in the face. She's about to exit when RJ comes out of nowhere and slaps Jinx,
knocking her down.)
RJ: Stupid SHANK! Did you think, you'd be able to fight your way out of this?
Jinx: (Scared) No, I just tried...(Tries getting up, but RJ slaps her again and she falls down.)
RJ: Did you forget what I'm capable of? Your martial arts won't protect you or your family even if you were still
with the Red Lords. So here's what you are going to do; go to the bedroom and I'll meet you there in five minutes
and just maybe I'll tell you why I kidnaped you. Understand?
Jinx: (Scared) I...understand.
(Next Scene. PE HQ and we see Hermes passing by a agent who's using the vending machine.)
Agent: Hey Agent C.
Agent C: Hey, you weren't using those spy coins were you?
Agent: (Shamefully) Yes.
Agent C: You know those are only for agents when they do their laundry.
Agent: Yes sir sorry, sir. (Hermes than walks away and heads into a room and finds Labarbara.)
Labarbara: (Seductively) Hello, Agent Conrad. I've just finished some paper work.
Agent C: I have urgent news and I think you should take a look. (They both kiss and are about to make out on one of
the tables, when the Professor enters.)
Professor: Good News Everyone. (Hermes getting off the table.)
Hermes: Professor, what are you doing? I spent a long time filling out the forms for on the job sex.
Professor: I'm sorry for ruining your job related intimacy, but we've found someone injured in front of our doorstep.
Hermes: Why is that good news?
Professor: He was lying on top of a letter for me. It is from a local chain store and they've accepted my deadly toys
only for villains.
Hermes: What about the injured man?
Professor: Oh he's under the best of care. (Cut to the injured man and he's in a hospital bed with Zoidberg looking
on. A fellow agent is with him.)
Agent: So how is he, Zoidberg?
Zoidberg: Let me guess this straight, loss of blood is bad for you humans?
(Next Scene. Ironfinger's home. Ironfinger is on the couch watching TV and he's drinking beer.)
Ironfinger: Man, conducting acts of villainy sure keep you from staying updated on your favorite shows.
(Ironfinger is watching "All My Circuits".)
Monique: Calculon, I wanted to tell you something.
Calculon: What is it, my love? I love you have all my hard drive and you can tell me anything.
Monique: I have amnesia.
Calculon: No!!!!!!!!!!!! (Scruffy enters the room as Ironfinger still watches TV.)
Scruffy: As Ironfinger have any hench work for Scruffy to do?
Ironfinger: Yeah, I'm trying to watch TV, so piped down. Also, I'm starting to run out of beer? Is there anymore in
Ironfinger: Well, can you get some more beer and some robot porno? And some wax for my ass.
Scruffy: Gluteus Waximus?
Ironfinger: Yeah, that's the stuff, and also you think you can get me a new pet? I miss Nibbler, and things haven't
been the same he went to the good side.
Scruffy: Scruffy will see what he can do.
(Scruffy leaves. Next Scene, Mars. Leela and Kif are in the Halle BXW and have made it to the town of Iliad and
they pull up to the Lightercastle factory.)
Leela: Well we've made it and we should probably arm ourselves.
Kif: I'm ready. (Polishes his cane.)
Leela: I was wondering where did you get that cane?
Kif: I bought it on ebay. I got a good deal on the shipping and handling.
(Cut to inside the factory and Jinx and RJ are both in bed naked. RJ has a cigarette, and Jinx looks disgusted.)
Jinx: Gleesh RJ, what did I tell about smoking after having sex? (Fans the fumes.)
RJ: Sorry baby, making love to you takes a lot out of me. Smoking relaxes me. (Jinx starts coughing.)
Jinx: Still. Anyway, are you going to tell me why you kidnaped me? And why your hanging out with a bunch of
thugs like those Martians?
RJ: What's wrong with them?
Jinx: Nothing, it is just that I didn't pay make attention in Street Slang 101, when I was at Mars U. I just don't
understand what they say.
RJ: Now, I thought you agents where supposed to know all types of languages.
Jinx: Yeah, but not languages created by youths to annoy their parents. So, are you going to tell me why I'm here
and why you want Agent 1BDI?
RJ: Alright, you see...(Explosion occurs and we hear Grand Master on the communicator.)
Grand Master: Yo RJ, we've got a situation here. Some one-eyed ho, and her green pimp are crashing in on our
RJ: Deal with it. (Gets up and starts to dress.)
Jinx: Great, 1BDI always comes at the wrong time.
(Cut to Leela side-kicking Scratch, knocking him down to the floor. Big G comes over and grab the left part of her
spy suit and she merely cuts down on his arm, using her left hand. She steps back bringing him down unbalanced.
Leela then punches Big G with her right and does a spinning heel kick right in his jaw. We see Grand Master
looking on from a balcony and from a window, we see Kif. He takes out his cane and using upper part of the cane
and turns it into a grabbling hook. He shoots the hook right at Grand Master, and it hits right above his head. Kif
then uses the bottom part of the cane, breaks it off and sticks it on the wall. The cane has now been broken into three
pieces and there is a rope that goes right through all of them. Kif takes the middle part and releases handle bars and
starts sliding toward Grand Master. Kif then double kicks Grand Master, knocking him out. No sooner than landing,
Kif pushes a button on his cane and that causes the rope to retract and his cane is back to normal.)
Kif: Ms. Leela, I'll go check this floor, you check the bottom floor.
Leela: Will do.
(As Kif enters the room he is confronted by RJ. RJ pulls out two laser rifles and starts blasting at Kif. Kif manages
to dodge the beams. Kif uses his hands and knees to crawl up the wall, much like a famous superhero.)
RJ: Quit wall crawling you green freak.
Kif: Green freak? I look at myself as being different. (Kif manages to hop from one side of the wall to another and
manages to dive right at RJ and punches him right in the face. RJ drops his weapons and starts running.)
Kif: Come back? Why are you running? I have questions to ask you, where his Amy Wong?
RJ: Oh she's around. And your information, I wasn't running. I was just getting this...(Reveals a cigarette and starts
smoking.)...and this...(Pulls out a stun gun and shoots at Kif, shocking him and he's out cold.)
RJ: Damn, I accidently got the non-lethal gun by mistake. (RJ races out of there, but runs into Joe.)
Joe: RJ, they old-eyed broad just took out the MWA, and Jinx is gone.
RJ: Damn, this is a set back. (Takes another puff on his cigarette.) Let's go before we're caught.
(They leave, then Leela arrives and sees Kif out cold.)
Leela: Mr. Kroker, right you okay? (Kif wakes up.)
Kif: I think so. Where's Jinx?
Jinx: Right here. (Enters the scene.)
Leela: Are you alright?
Jinx: Well aside from having going beyond the call of duty, I feel fine.
Kif: Who was that crazed gunman?
Jinx: His name is RJ, he was a retired member of the Mars ATF. Of course as you know, the Mars ATF is different
from the ATF on Earth. The Mars ATF is dedicated in promoting the use of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms.
Kif: How do you know so much about him?
Jinx: We used to date. (Leela and Kif are puzzled.)
Leela: Is there something you should tell us?
Jinx: Yes, it is a long story, so don't want you walking around while I'm telling you it. This goes back to my days
with the Red Lords. While working for them, I met RJ and he seemed cool at first with his manliness, but his
smoking habit was a little annoying.
Leela: So you dated this guy?
Jinx: You could call it dating, but it went further than that.
Kif: Wait, I thought you were seeing Biff Broker when you were with the Red Lords?
Jinx: Hey, when you are in the line of work I'm in, it's hard to stick with one person.
Leela: So what happened?
Jinx: Well it turned out, he was merely just gaining my trust so her can get rid of the Red Lords. I stopped him and
he was arrested.
Leela: Why would he want to take out the Red Lords? Aside from them being evil.
Jinx: He tried to seek revenge and he was being systematic. He's trying to kill those who killed his family.
Leela: The Red Lords killed his family?
Jinx: I don't think so, in fact he doesn't really know who killed his family.
Leela: How did they die?
Jinx: He told me he was at his family's reunion and they were are smoking and drinking and doing target practice.
He left to get more cigarettes, when he came back to see all of his family dead.
Leela: That is horrible.
Jinx: That ain't half of it.
(Flashback. To a Martian hospital and we see RJ with Joe in the waiting room, a doctor arrives. He's smoking
despite the fact there is a "no smoking" sign.)
Doctor: Excuse me, Mr. RJ. I'm sorry to say that your whole family is dead.
RJ: No! (Starts crying.) How?
Doctor: We've performed autopsies and we've determined their causes. It seems they suffered from both liver and
RJ: What? How could this have happen? (Starts smoking again.) Joe, pass me a bottle of beer. (Joe does and RJ
takes a sip.)
Doctor: I'm sure this is very sad for you, but maybe this brochure will help. (Hands him a brochure reading, "So
now you are an orphan". He walks away.)
RJ: There is only one reasonable explanation; someone must've poisoned them, while I went to the store. But who?
Joe: You made a lot of enemies, while you were working for the ATF. The biggest ones were the Red Lords.
RJ: Then I know what I must do, with my government training in weapons and how to survive rough environments, I
must go out and commit random killings in hopes I kill those responsible in killing my family. I will have justice,
and more importantly, revenge. (Takes a long puff on his cigarette and coughs heavily from it. End Flashback.)
Jinx: So there you have it, he's set out to kill random people and he started by trying to take out the Red Lords.
Once, I learned of his plans, my friends and I managed to stop him. We managed to stop him, but not before he
killed a good number of Red Lords. Instead of killing him we used our connections to send him to prison for
possessing too many guns without a permit.
Leela: So, you didn't kill him, when you had the chance?
Jinx: I pressured Biff not too. Even though he deceived me, I still had something for him. However, as time went on,
I got over it and he became a forgotten memory. My guess he's here out for revenge, since it was me who ruined his
Kif: Um Jinx, you have something on your face.
Jinx: It's nothing. (Kif looks closer and notices a blemish.)
Kif: Jinx, are you wearing make-up?
Leela: Hold up. (Touches Jinx faces and wipes some make-up off and reveals she has a bruise.) My God.
Kif: Amy? What happened to you?
Leela: Did that RJ hit you?
Jinx: (scared) No, I...ran into a doorknob.
Kif: Amy, let me get you an ice pack.
Jinx: (Fighting back tears.) No, you don't have to do that and my name is Jinx when I'm wearing this spy suit.
(Cries and falls on Kif's shoulders.)
Leela: (Trying to comfort.) Jinx, look he obviously hit you. But why?
Jinx: Because I promised to pleasure him, but tried to escape. (Kif and Leela are shocked.)
Kif: That filthy worm!
Leela: How could you let him do that to you? Your are a femme fatale. You'd kick some stranger's ass, if he was
ugly and he hit on you.
Jinx: Well I'm human, and each human has a fear that causes them to freeze up and when he slapped me, it brought
that fear back.
Kif: A fear of what?
Jinx: Alright, I'll tell you. The reason why I had RJ taken to the prison, was because he forced me into it.
Kif: I don't understand.
Jinx: RJ, was a killer and tried to take out the Red Lords with his tactics and he used me to get into the Red Lords.
At first he seemed nice, but he became violent and threatened to kill me and my friends, if I didn't help him. He
said, that if he died, his henchmen would come after me and my family, so I had to do what he said, I was thinking
about my parents. He knew by going to jail he'd be out and I just went along with his plan.
(Flashback to a Martian Prison and we see RJ doing chin ups and we hear the theme from Cape Fear. And while
he's doing chin ups, he's staring at a photo picture of Jinx. Cut to a guard opening the cell door.)
Guard: Alright RJ, you done your time, warden says you can go.
(Cut to RJ walking away from the front prison door and the Cape Fear theme still plays.)
Guard: Hey RJ, aren't you going to get your stuff?
RJ: (Pulls out Jinx picture.) This is all I need...and these. (Pull out a pack of cigarettes as well.)
Jinx: So now, he's probably come back to kill me. I knew I should've let him die when I had the chance.
Leela: Wait, if he's out for revenge, why didn't he kill you, when he had the chance?
Jinx: Hey, you are right! He seemed more interested in sleeping with me than killing me and he said he wanted you
too, Agent 1BDI.
Leela: Something is up and we need a few questions answered. Let's go get this RJ.
Kif: I'll help, that no good punk is going down for what he did to you.
Jinx: No, you two can't take on RJ, he'll kill you both.
Leela: Look, he obviously wants us alive for something and I'll need to search for clues. (Heads off.)
Jinx: You two can go on ahead, but I refuse to find out.
Kif: But, Jinx we need you and plus RJ needs to pay for what he did to you.
Jinx: I can't risk the lives of my parents. Sure they can be annoying, but I still love them.
Kif: I promise you, nothing will happen to them.
Jinx: Kif, I know you just want to help, but there is nothing you can do.
Kif: Believe me Jinx, I'd move Heaven and Mars for you. That is how much I care. (Puts his hand on her shoulder,
but Jinx pushes it away.)
Jinx: I'm sorry Kif, but you know that I only see us as friends. Our line of work requires that we don't get intimate
with each. It is hard to stay attached to one certain relationship. This line of work has taken a lot of my life, so many
failed evil plans.
Kif: I know hench work is frustrating, but it takes people strong as us to stay with it.
Jinx: Maybe you are strong, but I'm not that strong as I thought I was. I have others to think about. (Walks to a
trash can and finds her pink sweat suit and from a closed room, changes in the room and comes out holding her Jinx
suit.) I don't want to put my family endangered, I am Jinx no more. (Aims for the trash can, throws the suit, but
misses the can. She walks up and throws it in the trash.)
Kif: Jinx wait. You can't quit.
Amy: I'm sorry Kif, and please call me Amy. (Leaves as Leela arrives.)
Leela: I think I've found something...where's Jinx?
Kif: She's gone.
(Next Scene a Hotel Room and Fry is busy putting on his gi for show, when Jackie comes through a door.)
Jackie: Mr. Fry.
Fry: Hey, Jackie. Wow that door and wall is the only thing between our rooms.
Jackie: I just want to say, you were outstanding today at the end of class. I'm really impressed, though I am
wondering why you screwed up the first 55 minutes of class?
Fry: I don't know it either, all I did was sit on the bench and I tighten my gi. (Tightens his belt and that electric
current covers him again and he acts like a ninja master.)
Jackie: Fry, it is the gi, the professor gave you.
Fry: The gi? Well, that pretty much explains everything. Damn, and I thought I was good at martial arts, but it turns
out I'm a phony, just like Milli Vanilli.
Jackie: (Comforts him.) Look, I had a feeling something was up with your martial arts recovery, but that don't make
you a phony. I was like you, when I lived on Earth.
Fry: You lived on Earth?
Jackie: I attended NNYU, and my parents wanted me to be the best I could be. They wanted me to be a huge
blernsball player and make it in the big leagues, but I had other dreams. Within a year, I transferred to Mars
University and be a secret agent.
Fry: Why did you go to Mars?
Jackie: I wanted a fresh start and that's how I met Master Phnog.
(Flashback. Phnog and a younger Jackie are in a Martian forest and Phnog flies up to the top of a tree, ala
Crouching Tiger and he flies right down.)
Jackie: That is amazing, Sensei.
Phnog: Yes, now you do it.
Jackie: (Closes her eyes and tries to fly, but can't. She opens her eyes.) I can't do it.
Phnog: Fear not, you must gain the will of the warrior and also put on the jet pack I brought you.
(We see that he does have a jet pack. End Flashback.)
Jackie: Sensei Phnog, taught me to believe in myself and I was lousy when I started practicing. He was a great
teacher before he became corrupted.
Fry: Wait...wait...Sensei Phnog taught you martial arts?
Jackie: Small Universe ain't it. I don't believe it myself. It is just lucky that he doesn't remember me or he'd think
something's up. I guess he probably thought I wouldn't be as good as I am now.
Fry: Don't say that, you really good at martial arts, I've seen you and at least you don't have a gi that makes you
good, you make yourself good.
Jackie: My parents are still ashamed at what I did, leaving Earth and not trying out for the major leagues. They
thought I could be the very first woman to play Major League Blernsball, but when I left for Mars, they acted like I
wasn't their daughter anymore.
Fry: There, there when I was a kid, my parents wanted me to make something of myself, but I didn't and they
thought I was a failure because I spent most of time watching TV and making crank calls. I know how you feel. You
did what you wanted to do and you did it to make yourself happy.
(Time passes and Jackie and Fry are laughing.)
Jackie: So, let me get this straight; you are really a pizza delivery boy from the 20th Century and you got frozen and
was made into a spy and your partner is a beautiful female cyclops?
Fry: Yup, that pretty much explains my life story thus far. I suppose how I became a spy makes me seem pathetic?
Jackie: No, not at all since you survived seven big missions in the last year. You must be some spy.
Fry: Thanks, nobody's ever said something nice about me, except for Leela. You know, Jackie you are cool and
beautiful, I might add.
Jackie: Fry, that was a nice thing to say. Nobody has ever said something even remotely as nice as you. Agent 1BDI
must be lucky to have a friend like you. (Kisses Fry and Fry blushes. Cut to them both sleeping in bed and they are
naked. Fry is snoring heavily. A vent just above Fry opens and a string comes down, we see two ninjas and one is
lowering the string.)
Ninja1: I have the string, did you bring the poison?
Ninja2: Yeah, but I want to know, is the poison going in his mouth, eyes, or ears?
Ninja1: I think we should use the mouth poison.
Ninja2: But the eye poison will kill him faster.
Ninja1: Yeah, but he has his eyes closed, and he's snoring like a drunk.
Ninja2: Hey, how come we are using a string for this? Why don't we just pour it out?
Ninja1: Because stupid, that would waste poison and make a mess on the sheets
(Ninja2 hands him the mouth poison and Ninja tries to aim the tip of the string close to Fry's mouth. And Ninja1
starts dripping the poison down the string. The drops of poison drip down the string and get closer to Fry's mouth,
when Jackie wakes up.)
Jackie: Fry...your snoring is...Fry! (Notices what is happening and moves Fry out of reach of the poison. And two
ninjas are forced to drop the string and try to get away by crawling through the vent.)
Ninja1: Aw man, I've got to cut down on the drinking, I'm out of shape.
Ninja2: Same here.
(Jackie blasts a laser right through the ceiling and he hear the ninjas yell out. Fry wakes up and wonders why he's on
Fry: Where am I?
Jackie: You almost died, someone tried to kill you.
Fry: Who did it?
Jackie: I'm not sure, someone wants you dead.
Fry: Does, Sensei Phnog know that we are agents?
Jackie: I'm not sure.
Fry: Hey wait, what are you doing in my bedroom and half naked?
Jackie: I must've slept here.
Fry: Oh my God, did we just?
Jackie: We did.
Fry: Oh man.
(Cut to Amy walking to who knows where when the Halle BXW pulls up and Leela and Kif come out. Kif has her
Jinx suit with him.)
Amy: What are you two doing here?
Leela: Kif told me what you did.
Amy: Don't try and talk me out of it.
Leela: I wasn't I was going to say good job in reforming yourself from working for evil. However, I must say you
can't walk out and let that jerk RJ get away with kidnaping you, talking bad about your family and hitting you like
Amy: I can't risk my parents lives.
Leela: Look, I do this job everyday and if it endangered my parents, I'd feel how you feel. But I do this to make a
difference. Jinx...I mean Amy...you can make a difference in putting a stop to this creep and making him pay for all
the people he's killed with his violent rampage.
Amy: What do I have to do?
Leela: What do you know about this? (Shows her a card. It reads, "Phnog's Institute of Martial Arts". Amy's eyes
Amy: Phnog? Him?
Leela: How do you know him? And what is he doing on Mars?
Kif: Wait, I'm not following, who is this Mr. Phnog?
Amy and Leela: (in unison) He was my martial arts instructor. (They look into each other's eyes.) You were trained
Amy: How could you have been trained by Phnog?
Leela: I knew him from when he was on Earth, but he left after Earth banned Octuran Kung Fu.
Amy: Well, I knew him from Mars U. He was one of the new Senseis that came from many planets such as Earth.
He taught me Martian Karate, Venusian Kick-boxing and a few others, but I mostly remember him for the dirty
things I had to do for him.
(Flashback and we see Amy doing "wax on, wax off" on Phnog's hover car. She has mud on her face and clothes.
Phnog steps out of his house.)
Amy: Well, I painted your back yard fence, and washed and waxed her car.
Amy: You know Sensei, at first I thought these chores were a waste of time, but now I know that you wanted me to
improve on my reflexes for my martial arts training, look. (Does a few martial art exercises and she's good.)
Phnog: No, I just wanted somebody to do those things for me for free and my caretaker is at the store getting
groceries. (Laughs. Flashback ends.)
Amy: But when it came to my martial arts training, he was very serious, and I did well. He said I was one of his best
female students, since I nearly beat every other female student he had.
Leela: That is weird, I knew him from his dojo on Earth when I was still in high school.
(Flashback. Leela and Phnog are both in gis and the dojo resembles that of the dojo in The Matrix when Neo first
Phnog: Now my student, come at me and attack.
Leela: Are you sure, Sensei?
Phnog: Yes, come at me like you want to sell me time shares.
(Leela comes at him with a punch, but Phnog blocks with his right hand. Leela continues with repeated punches, but
Phnog blocks everyone.)
Phnog: Now, it is my turn. (He starts trading blows, and Leela starts blocking. However, she is showing signs of
Phnog: Block faster, my pupil.
Leela: I can't, you are too fast. (Phnog then uses his right leg and trips Leela right down. Phnog stops and Leela is
Phnog: You are breathing heavily, why is that?
Leela: Because I need more practice and I'm tired?
Phnog: Yes, and also the air conditioner is on low and it is hard to breath in here. Let me get some more oxygen in
here. (Heads off the mat and reaches the climate control and turns up the air conditioner. Flashback ends.)
Leela: Why would RJ have a card promoting a dojo owned by my old Sensei?
Kif: There is an address on the card, maybe we should investigate this.
Leela: Come on Amy, you obviously know him more recently, maybe you can help us.
Amy: First off, I haven't seen him in a long time since I left Mars.
Leela: You can at least help, I mean I did come to save you.
Amy: A lot of good that did. (Shows Leela her bruise.)
Leela: Look, you are obviously afraid of this RJ, but you dealt with much more scary things when we've crossed
Amy: (Thinks about it.) Okay fine, but I'm not getting more involved than I should..
(Cut to RJ and he's on his hover bike. Joe is on a hover bike of his own. RJ contacts someone on the
RJ: Hello, come in.
Dark Figure: Did you do your job?
RJ: No, they got away.
DF: What?! I hired you to do your job, not fail at it. If you expect to be paid, you better do it.
RJ: I got that. (Ends communication.)
Joe: What are we going to do now?
(Cut to Fry and Jackie and they are in a hover car driving in the Martian Plains.)
Jackie: We should be at Phnog's secret training camp.
Fry: What's that mountain coming up? (Notice in the distances and they see a huge mountain. It makes Mt. Everest
look like a bump in the road. They pull up to the mountain and stop.)
Jackie: Wait hold up, that is Olympus Mons. The biggest volcano in the Solar System.
Fry: Volcano, you mean that thing can sprout lava?
Jackie: Doubt it, it has been inactive for hundreds of years, but this can't be the right place. (Just then a secret door
opens and we see a few ninjas come out and Phnog comes out wearing a martial arts rope.)
Phnog: Oh Fry and Jackie San, it is so good both of you have arrived. Please come right in.
(Phnog and his henchmen enter the volcano and Fry and Jackie drive inside the volcano as the door closes. We get a
look inside and it looks like an ancient Japanese village, with aliens and futuristic devices. Fry looks up and sees a
metal door closing the crater. Fry then looks straight ahead and sees a Chinese like temple.)
Fry: This place sure looks neat and expensive. And the lighting, (The place is lid up as if it was day time on Earth.)
what is keeping this place lid up?
Phnog: Fluorescent lighting, very cheap, but just as good. Now let us show you two around. (As they get out of
their vehicle they meet some familiar people. Jessica, Julius, Kurt and the Squid greet them.)
Julius: Welcome to Master Phnog's Secret Volcano Training Camp.
Jessica: Hello, Fry and Jackie San.
Kurt: What's happenin'?
Squid: Please to meet you. (Bows)
Phnog: You two are in luck, it is that time of the year where many of my students from around the galaxy arrive to
participate and share their martial arts techniques with each other. (Simon shows up carrying bags.)
Simon: Sensei, I've finished your laundry and I helped set up the main mat in your temple.
Phnog: Thank you, Simon. Now please tend to the preparation of the big dinner, tonight.
Simon: Yes, Sensei and Sensei, I want to thank you for allowing me to come to your main training camp and...
Phnog: Just go! (Simon bows and heads off. Phnog then leads a tour for the group. The group walks up to warriors
practicing with bokens. They each are taking turns striking and blocking.)
Phnog: To the left is Billy Chin and the right, Sammy Chong. These two are the great martial artists, and they are
quick with the boken. They have been at it, nonstop for past three days. It is proper that one starts the practice and
then the other. (The group passes by and are impressed that the two warriors are practicing really hard and for so
Billy: Hey Sammy, do you who started this?
Sammy: No, I can't remember.
Billy: Damn, we can't stop and let the other person start, unless we know who started this to begin with.
(They pass by an outdoor mat and we see a group of trainers in gis and they are practicing their fighting styles.)
Phnog: These students are from Saturn. They've come many light years to participate in this event.
(They then enter a shack and we see many people wearing glass helmets. They sort of resemble the Glass Helm,
from the novel, Helm, by Steven Gould. We see a female receptionist.)
Receptionist: Hello Sensei, can I interest anyone of you in seeking infinite knowledge?
Phnog: Here trainers come to use our special glass helmets. They are a form of mediation and help to offer people
knowledge of the mysteries of the universe.
Fry: Neat, this is so cool. (Fry is wearing a glass helmet and the receptionist takes it away from him.)
Receptionist: You have to pay before using one. (Fry is sadden.)
Jackie: How was it, Fry?
Fry: I am amazed, now I know what they put in the special sauce at McDonald's.
Phnog: Now come this way. (They exit the shack and pass by another building.) This is where some of our oldest
warriors sleep. Many are refugees and are masters with the swords. They've spent their lives guarding their swords,
after DOOP tried to take away their swords and replace them with blasters. They eat, sleep and go to the bathroom
with their swords, to protect them. (We see a warrior using his sword to butter a bagel. Another warrior is napping
and holding his sword like a stuffed animal. Another warrior is holding his sword and a magazine as he waits for the
bathroom to be vacant. The group starts to walk again and they walk right in front of the temple.)
Phnog: Now this is where the main events of the training camp take place. Students come to train with some of the
best martial arts experts from other parts of the galaxy. It is also the place that has Open Mic Night on Thursdays.
And over there is where the two of you will be staying. (The group sees a nearby shack and Numa comes out just
having finished sweeping.)
Numa: I've prepared diner, I hope you enjoy Soylent Sushi.
(Cut to a diner table of Asian influence. We see the table full of people sitting on their knees. Phnog is at the end of
the table, to the left are Fry, and Jackie. To the right are Julius and Numa. Julius helps himself to a few pieces of
sushi. Fry and Jackie are busy having soup.)
Phnog: Numa, I must say you certainly have provided a great meal.
Numa: Thank you, Master Phnog.
Phnog: Fry San, Jackie San, how is the food?
Jackie: It is great Sensei.
Fry: I'll say.
Phnog: So Fry San, I must say I was most impressed by your performance at the dojo earlier today. How often do
Fry: Aw...me...train? Oh I train very often.
Phnog: Oh so do I,
Julius: Father, tell him about my training.
Phnog: Yes, my son Julius trains many hours a day with his martial arts training. Now Fry San, as you know, I can't
go on being Head of the Dojo forever. That is why I'm busy searching for a successor that will take over the dojo
after I retire. And from what I saw from you, I think you might be a top contender for that spot.
(Everyone in the room gasps, but Julius stands up in anger.)
Julius: Father! This is an outrage, he is an outsider, a refugee from Earth. He has only been here for one day and you
are going to make him in charge of your dojo?
Phnog: Now wait, my son, I merely said he was a contender. He has to earn his chance at being my successor just
like everyone else. (Julius walks out in anger.)
Numa: Great anger is in him, Master Phnog.
Phnog: It will pass, much like those horrible mid season shows that weren't good enough for the fall season. Now
then, I must be going, and I wish the both of you a good night's rest. You'll need it for tomorrow. (Gets up and
Numa: Let me show you two to your rooms. (Cut to them down a hallway. Numa opens a slide door.) This room is
for Jackie San. (Walks further down the hall and opens another slide door.) And this room for Fry San.
Jackie: Thank you, so much.
Fry: Man, this is too much. Master Phnog wants my to be his successor?
Jackie: Don't worry about it, Fry.
Numa: What troubles you?
Fry: Well, the truth is, all that martial arts stuff I did was from my gi. When I put it one and tighten the belt really
hard, it causes me to become the martial arts expert you saw.
Jackie: Fry? Why did you tell her?
Numa: Oh don't mind me, I'm merely the caretaker. However, you show honorable traits for admitting to your
deceitfulness. However, what made you come forward?
Fry: It was from what I saw from the tour. I saw all those people training and the fact I learned a great secret from
one of my all time favorite fast foods, I'm impressed with all that I saw, and I'm not that easily impressed. (Notices
something.) Wow, I get two towels? Awesome.
Jackie: So, what are you saying?
Fry: That I want to learn martial arts for real and only use the gi, in case of a real emergency. Jackie, can you help in
Jackie: By tomorrow? It took me a long time to get my black belt.
Fry: Please, Jackie.
Jackie: Oh alright.
Numa: And I'll help.
Fry: You want to help me, Numa? Have you taken martial arts?
Numa: I've seen many classes and I believe I can provide some advice.
(Cut to both Jackie and Fry in their gis and they are in a room with just a mat and Numa looks on. Fry and Jackie are
trading punches, but Fry has trouble blocking and Jackie knocks Fry down.)
Jackie: Sorry, Fry.
Fry: This is hard, I'll never be good at this.
Numa: You must not give up on yourself. You must have the will of the warrior.
Fry: But she is too fast.
Numa: You're just thinking with your eyes, you must think with your body. Pretend your body is covered by eyes,
only it doesn't hurt when you walk.
(Jackie starts again with punches, but this time Fry is more quick with the blocks.)
Fry: Hey, I'm getting it, I'm really getting it.
(Later that night, Fry is in his pyjamas and he walks over to Numa's room.)
Fry: Hello, Ms. Numa. (Numa is in her night gown and ready for bed.)
Numa: Fry San, you had a busy evening, you must sleep or you won't be rested for tomorrow.
Fry: I just want to thank you. I thanked Jackie for her help, but you really provided me with the pep talk that I
needed. You told me what to do, but you weren't angry when I messed up, or cursed even once.
Numa: Having patience is the only way to learn.
Fry: My question is why? Why did you take the time to help me?
Numa: You have the heart of goodness. Something that martial arts needs in this day and age. You seem to have a
thing for Jackie San.
Fry: Me? No, we are just friends.
Numa: "Just Friends"
Fry: Okay we did sleep together, but it was only after we got to know each other more.
Numa: Oh there is no need for shame, I was young once and I was like Jackie and you.
Fry: With all due respect, I really don't want to know about your...you know, your love life.
Numa: Fair enough, I know I'm old. But you do seem to have a heart for a ceratin female.
Fry: Wow, you are good, but what do you mean about, martial arts needing goodness?
Numa: Martial Arts has not been the same, Fry San. Since the early 21th century, the public started to attend more
martial arts schools. It seemed good, but as centuries went by and new Senseis took control, they felt to take
advantage of the paying customers: over priced gis, DVDs, T-Shirts and even a game system. You could not
imagine the overblown promotion by the Senseis. It has been like that for almost a thousand years. Master Phnog
continues this cycle. The old values of martial arts are pretty much dead since many martial artists do not know of
Fry: Man, that seems awful, but he's so good at martial arts.
Numa: He may have mastered a good number of martial arts, but he has lost what martial arts is suppose to do;
provide you with inner peace, discipline, harmony and meeting new people so you don't feel lonely in society.
Fry: Those values seem cool, but how would you know of them if everyone has pretty much forgotten those values?
(Hands him a picture of Morti, the same kind as the one from the dojo and the same writing is under it, only this time
the translation reads: "Come with joy and bring harmony when you step on the mat.")
Fry: That sentence is different from the sentence I read at the dojo.
Numa: I've kept it for many years, Phnog himself was the one who rewrote his ancestor's quote. I ask you Fry San,
if you do become Phnog's successor, please live by what Morti really said and not by greed.
(Just then a wall is blasted open and we see three ninjas and they try to get Fry.)
Ninja: (Pointing to Fry.) Get him!
(Numa just gasps as Fry fights the ninjas and runs down the hall to Jackie's room.)
Fry: (Banging on the door.) Jackie, open up! Phnog has sent his ninjas to attack us. (Slides the door open, only he
sees Biff Broker, dressed in his Red Lord suit. He punches Fry right in the face and Fry hits the wall, Fry can barely
keep his eyes open and gets a glimpse of Biff with Jackie Anderson, and she's dressed as a Red Lord member.)
Jackie: Surprise...(Fry blacks out.)
(Next Scene, PE HQ. Hermes and Professor finally see the agent who's on the hospital bed. The guy looks even
worse than before.)
Hermes: Sweet Leland of Ireland, what happened to him?
Nursebot: Dr. Zoidberg was testing his blood pressure.
Hermes: That filthy crab!
Agent: (Finally waking up from his coma.) Where am I?
Hermes: You are on Earth at the PE HQ.
Agent: PE HQ? Oh God I made it.
Professor: Who are you?
Agent: I was the agent the Martian Government sent to help your agents infiltrate Phnog's Secret Training Camp.
Hermes: Wait a minute, you are the agent that was suppose to partner up with Agent 014?
Agent: I was half way to Earth when I was attacked and left for dead. I managed to survive the attack and by miracle
made it to Earth to warn you guys.
Hermes: Who was your attacker?
Agent: It was a young Black female.
Hermes: My God, 014 is in trouble.
Professor: We must alert the Earth government at once.
(Next Scene. RJ and Joe and they have been camping out. RJ wakes up Joe and has some news.)
RJ: Get up Joe, there has been a change in plans.
Joe: There has?
RJ: We need to find those three and kill them.
Joe: Kill them?
RJ: Yup. (Cocks up a laser.)
(Cut to Leela, Kif and Amy sleeping in separate tents. Kif wakes up Amy while Leela sleeps.)
Kif: Amy, I've cooked breakfast.
Amy: Kif, what time is it?
Kif: It is morning and you want bacon and eggs?
Amy: Thanks, but I'm still a little tired.
Kif: We've got to get up bright and early to Phnog's Secret Hideout. And Amy I still have your spy suit, I've
pressed and ironed it.
Amy: Kif, you didn't have to do that, I'm never wearing that suit again.
Kif: You are just afraid of what you think RJ will do.
Amy: I've been worrying about what he'll do for a long time. It has haunted my nightmares and I don't want it to
Kif: Amy, I know this RJ scares you, but you can't let him take over your life.
Amy: I know, but what can I do?
Kif: Fight it. The Amy I know wouldn't let this RJ get the best of her. You were brave when we fought the Red
Lords, and when we fought all those robots of you. That took courage and that courage is still inside of you, and
now you need it more than ever.
(Before Amy can say anything, a laser beam nearly hits them. RJ has found them and begins firing at the camp area.
Leela wakes up to return fire. They all manage to hide behind a few rocks.)
Leela: Kif, Amy take cover, we are under attack.
(Amy sees Kif get hit in the shoulder with a laser beam. The injury is not that bad, but Amy looks concerned.)
Amy: Kif! (She notices her spy suit and she has a look on her face. RJ keeps firing, when all of a sudden he gets a
whole bunch of laser beams aiming right at him. He and Joe are forced to take cover and are unable to return fire.
Jinx comes out of nowhere and manages to disarm both of them and kicks each of them right in the chin. Leela and
Kif managed to run up to the scene.)
Leela: Amy, you did it.
Jinx: Please, when I'm wearing the suit, it is Jinx.
(But then they are surrounded by a squad of ninjas and three familiar Red Lord members while lasers.)
Elmar: Don't move or I'm bang you up a notch.
Jinx: Red Lords helping RJ? That is not possible.
John: Shows how much you know. Now, off we go to hideout.
(Next Scene, the Red Lords are flying in a ship and it is taking our heroes to Olympus Mons. The ship is directly
over the crater of the Volcano. It descends and the crater door opens and the ship flies in and the door closes. Cut to
our heroes in the dark.)
Leela: Where are we?
Jinx: I think we are in the biggest volcano in the Solar System.
Fry: Leela? Jinx? Is that you?
Leela: Fry, are you alright, what are you doing here?
Fry: I'm on a mission. Oh Leela, it is great to see, or not see you.
(Light turn on and we see RJ, Joe, Biff, Jackie, other Red Lord members, and a few ninjas. Phnog enters and on his
right hand is a glove with claws on it much like what the bad guy had from Enter The Dragon.)
Phnog: Excellent, the moths have finally all made it in the volcano. (Uses the claws to scratch his back side. Sempai
Daniel enters with a small box. Phnog takes off the glove and places it in the box.)
Phnog: Have Simon polish this.
Daniel: Yes, Sensei. (Leaves.)
Fry: Jackie, what are you doing?
Jinx: Jackie? That is Melaena Jones.
Melaena: That is Charm, Jinx.
Phnog: Yes and my promising female student.
Leela: Why did you call her Jackie, Fry?
Fry: She was sent by the Martian Government to help with my mission.
Charm: Actually, the Martian Government sent a Bob to aid you with your mission, but he had some car trouble and
then I helped by kicking his ass and leaving him for dead on the Moon.
Fry: So, you aren't really Jackie Anderson?
Charm: Oh that is my real name, my real name on Earth that is. However, when I came to Mars, I wanted a fresh
start, so I changed my name. Though I do like Jackie Anderson, that is why I use it as an alias.
Fry: (angry) I trusted you! I trained with you and slept with you and you turned your back on me?
Leela: You slept with her?
Fry: (shamefully)...beyond the call of duty.
Fry: As I was saying, how could you turn your back on me?
Charm: When Earth found out of our plans, someone had to distract their spies from trying to stop us.
Fry: But you saved my life?
Charm: That was part of the plan. My orders were to keep an eye on you, until Sensei Phnog himself told me we
didn't need you. Someone however, must've jumped the gun in trying to kill you, because I received no orders in
your immediate death.
Jinx: But how could you guys be working with RJ? He's the Red Lords sworn enemy.
RJ: Oh I don't hate the Red Lords anymore, after they said you were the one who murdered my family.
Jinx: That is a lie, I didn't kill your family. (RJ walks up to her and grabs her chin.)
RJ: Oh I'm sure you didn't, but out of all the Red Lord members, I want to kill you the most.
(Kif struggles in anger, but RJ merely slaps him.)
Phnog: That is enough your job was merely to bring Leela and Wong here.
Leela: What do you want with us?
Phnog: Leela, it has been a long time since I've seen you. You were a good student despite you being a girl.
Leela: Sensei Phnog, I know it has been a while, but what are you in this?
Fry: He plans to take over Earth.
Leela: Earth! Why?
Phnog: Because, Earth banned martial arts, something that I taught and dedicated my life to. When I was on my
home planet, I dreamt of going to Earth and sharing my martial arts with one of most powerful planets in the galaxy.
But your government passed that law they took my life away, much like those years of watching TV. With Octurans
unable to practice and teach their martial arts they were forced to open lousy businesses, like a cleaners' shop, an
illegal fireworks store or those cheap restaurant that serve good food, but has cock roaches. Well, I wasn't going to
let that happen to me, so I left and began this quest of forming a huge army of warriors to help me overthrow the
Leela: That is mad.
Phnog: No, it is clever.
Leela: The laws only ban foreign martial arts, you can still practice Earth-based martial arts.
Phnog: Me, the great Phnog practice a martial arts that mostly kids and helpless women practice? That is unheard
of, but once I control earth, I will reinstate my martial arts and I will make Earth my personal dojo. (Laughs.)
Biff: And as promised, he helps us to take control of Mars.
Leela: Well that explains why you Red Lords are involved, but what do you want with Jinx and me, Phnog?
Phnog: Out of all the females I trained, you, Wong and Jones here were my best three. Though the three of you lack
the will of the warrior since you are girls, you can still be top fighters by obeying a man such as myself.. Imagine
you three as my personal female kick ass team of most beautiful and dangerous femme fatales to ever obey a strong
man such as me. So, Leela will you and Wong join me just like Jones has?
Leela: Sensei, I respected you back on Earth, but after hearing that, go shove it.
Jinx: The same goes for me. I'm not lowing myself to work with people I don't like. (Staring at the Red Lords and
RJ.) And plus you sent that jerk, RJ to kill us.
Phnog: I never did, (Turns to RJ) I thought I told you not to kill them.
RJ: I was told by someone on the communicator to kill them.
Voice: Me...father. (Reveals it was Julius.)
Julius: Yes. And I was the one who set up the plan to kill Fry San in his hotel room.
Julius: I was doing it for you.
Phnog: For me?
Julius: Father, it is obvious these four would never join your cause. All they would end up doing is trying to foil
your plans. I thought if I got rid of them, then maybe you'd notice me, for once. And besides father, Fry San is a
fake. I told you that his gi was what cause him to have his martial arts ability and that is why I sent the Red Lords to
Phnog: But son, I do notice you.
Julius: You notice my ability, but not for who I am. I'm your son, but you've let your dojo be your top priority.
Phnog: Son, I don't know what to say.
RJ: Excuse, I don't mean to butt in this father/son alien moment, but can I kill them all, or not? Either way, I still
expect to be paid the $2 millions that you promised me.
Jinx: $2 million!
Phnog: Oh that is just pocket change compared to the amount of money the dojo pulls yearly. At any rate RJ, since
Wong and Leela have refused to join my army, they will die.
RJ: Alright. (Pulls out laser and aims.)
Phnog:...but not by blasters
RJ: (disappointed and pulls back on laser) Oh.
Phnog: Their deaths must be clever and well thought out. Dip them in the vat of acid.
Fry, Leela, Kif and Amy: (In unison and in a whining manner.) Again?
Fry: I'm sorry, but Leela and I have been dangled over a vat of acid so many times.
Leela: It is true.
Jinx: My boss is just as unoriginal as you Master Phnog.
Leela: It got to a point where Fry and I had to coat our clothes with acid proof spray.
Phnog: No matter, if you want something more original than how about...(Cut to our four heroes dangled over, in
chains, a pit of lava. Phnog looks on.)...Martian lava is just as hot and unpredictable as the lava on your planet.
Fry: You'll never get this.
Phnog: Oh Fry San, I will, for you see I'm moving Earth Takeover ahead of schedule. But don't threat Fry San, I
have your so-called gi and boken in this gym bag. (Holds gym bag, then puts it back down.) I'll just leave it here, but
too bad you won't get to use it. Now, much like a fat man after winning an eating contest, I have some much more
important business to attend to, (Holds newspaper.) then I'll attend to leading my team of martial arts experts to take
over the Earth. (Laughs and leaves our heroes to their deaths as Phnog pushes a button lowering them on his way
Fry: Well, what do we do?
Leela: I'd use my spy scrunchie, but I'm wearing my regular street scrunchie. I left my spy one in the Halle BXW.
Jinx: So, we're doomed?
Kif: Not this time, look. (Notices that his cane is at a corner.)
Fry: It is just a cane, what can it do?
Kif: This...(Manages to get a hand free and with a small remote pushes a button and that causes his cane to move on
its own. It floats through the air and Kif, using his free hand, grabs it. He pushes a button on the cane and uses a
laser beam to cut the chains and our heros are free, but still endangered. Kif then turns his cane into a grappling
hook and our heroes are able to swing to safety.)
Fry: That was amazing.
Jinx: Kif, how did you managed to hide that remote? They searched us.
Kif: I hid in a very good hiding place. (Fry gets his gym bag and pulls out his gi.)
Fry: Come on, we need to stop Phnog.
Leela: Gosh Fry, you seem more serious than usual.
Fry: It is probably because of the martial arts training I've done. I don't know why, I feel less distracted now. Come
on, lets get that Sensei.
(Cut to Numa and she looks disappointed while dusting a statue of Old Morti. Charm walks up to her.)
Charm: So, much for your so-called chosen one.
Numa: Young woman speaks with arrogance
Charm: Lose the wisdom talk, granny. You are lucky, I don't go to Phnog and tell of your betrayal.
Numa: Why don't you?
Charm: I wouldn't want to be disrespectful to my elders.
Numa: One can't give respect, if that person is a disrespectful skank.
Charm: Why you little...(Tries to charge Numa, but Biff comes along and stops her.)
Biff: Don't waste your energy on this fossil, save it for Earth.
Charm: (To Numa) You are just lucky, that I don't have the time to beat some respect in you. (Biff and Charm
leave. Cut to Fry, Leela, Jinx and Kif grouping.)
Leela: We'll need to split up, and send a signal to Earth, and get them to send troops and put a stop to the training
Kif: Jinx and I will go try and deal with The Red Lords and RJ.
Leela: Then Fry and me will deal with Phnog.
(They go their separate ways. Cut to Kif and Jinx and they walk into a dojo room where they come across a squad of
Students in their gis.)
Student: Hey, what are you doing in here with shoes and not in your gis?
Student2: Get them!
(Jinx and Kif start to punch and kick a few students as they come at them. Cut to Jessica, Simon, Kurt and the Squid.
They are all dressed up in their gis and are heading to the dojo.)
Kurt: So, Jessica, I was wondering if you liked to book it to the disco club this Saturday?
Jessica: Sure Kurt, I liked to going dancing.
Kurt: Solid. (Numa enters.)
Numa: Students, Fry San needs your help.
(Cut to Leela and Fry and they've made it to Phnog's throne room, but the only person waiting for them is Julius in a
Julius: Aw Fry San, you've made it.
Fry: Leela, go stop Phnog. I have some unfinished business to attend to.
Leela: But Fry...
Fry: Just go. (Leela leaves. They Fry walks up to Julius.) So Julius it is just you and me.
Julius: Yes, how do you like my red gi? It is very thick and shows how big a jerk I really am.
Fry: You maybe a jerk, but I still don't like you. (Tightens his gi and the electrical current consumes him.)
Julius: Why must you use the gi? Are you not brave enough to fight me man to Octuran?
Fry: I'm a secret agent, and my job is to take you down no matter what.
(Fry runs up to Julius, but Julius jumps into the air and lands right behind him. And they fight, trading blows and
blocks. Cut to Jinx and Kif and they managed to clean house and then The Red Lords enter.)
Charm: Jinx, we meet once again.
Biff: Kroker, I've been waiting for a rematch for a long time.
(Kif readies his cane for a fight. Charm and Jinx start to fight, Elmar tries to give a blow, but Jinx ducks and then
trips Elmar. Kif fights with John, Kif beats John over the head with the cane and then using the cane to break
Lingo's laser gun in half and they side-kicks him in the face. Biff comes over and gets poked in the stomach with
Kif's cane. However, Lingo jumps Kif from behind and then an squad of ninjas come in and it seems Kif and Jinx
are out numbered when Jessica, Kurt, Simon and the Squid come out and help to fend off the ninjas.)
Jinx: What are you students doing?
Jessica: We were told that the Red Lords help run this training camp and are planning to take over Mars.
Squid: And we decided to put a stop to it. (Simon manages to side kick a ninja.)
Simon: I did it, I managed to knock out an attacker. All those months of abuse and loss of blood has finally paid off.
(Gets jumped by five ninjas as they pound him into the ground. RJ and Joe arrive to look at the scene.)
Joe: What do we do?
RJ: We wait to blast the losers. (Readies his laser gun. Cut to outside of Olympus Mons and we see the Earth army
arrive and start to fire at the volcano. A door opens at a laser points out to return fire. Hermes can be seen in one of
the battle ships.)
Hermes: Pilot, we've found the hideout.
Pilot: Yes, that homing device the Professor planned in the spy gadgets he gave to 014 was a good idea.
Hermes: I want your troops to break through the perimeter and get inside that volcano. (Cut to Leela and she finally
has managed to find Phnog in a control room as he looks at a TV screen at the Earth army attacking his base.)
Phnog: Leela, my old apprentice, nice to see you.
Leela: Give it up Phnog, I heard the laser blasts coming from the outside and the Earth army is here to put a stop to
your invasion plan.
Phnog: Don't be so sure. Like jock who gets stood up the night before prom, I always have a plan B. (Pushes a
button and a screen shows a room with missle.) As you can see on the screen, I have a dozen of weapons of mass
destruction and I've set them to blast many major cities on Earth. They are set to launch in ten minutes.
Leela: Not if I kick your ass and cancel that launch, in under ten minutes.
Phnog: As Sensei, I must not engage in real battle with a former student. However, I'm willing to let that slide for
now. (Leela and Phnog start to fight and they both are evenly match, but Phnog isn't even breaking a sweat.) You
were a good student, Leela. (Trips Leela.) Too bad, I was a lousy teacher, when I was on Earth. (Tries to chop
Leela's head, but Leela jumps out of the way. Leela starts to bounce back. Cut to outside of the Volcano a door
opens a out comes an army of warriors riding on giant tarantulas in battle. They pulls out their sword and use them
to block the laser beams.)
Warrior: Come on, men. We must defend our right to still use our swords.
Warrior2: Sir, they fire lasers from a distance and they are wiping out our forces.
Warrior: Hey, you are right. Crap, maybe we should have taken Earth's offer in getting those blasters.
(Cut to Fry and Julius fighting using their wooden bokens and they both strike and block. However, Julius uses his
boken to strike the right part of Fry's gi. A short circuit has occurred and Fry has lost his martial arts powers.)
Julius: Now outsider, let's see if you can block this. (Knocks Fry's boken out of his hands. Fry panics.)
Fry: Boken, come to me. (The voice activated boken flows right back to Fry, but Julius kicks Fry out of the way and
the boken flies right past him missing its target. Fry is on his back at the mercy of Julius.)
Julius: No, more spy gadgets. (Throws his boken away.) I'll defeat you with my bare hands and once I help my
father in taking over Earth, I will be made successor of this dojo and I will take martial arts to distances that my
father would be proud of; A 24 four dojo that seems to have cheap rates at first, but sells over priced material water
and healthy foods.
(Julius goes for a overhead strike, but Fry with the last bit of adrenaline, manages to get up and reverse Julius's strike
holds on to his elbow and cuts down on his wrist. Fry then kicks Julius in the face, then using the training he got
from both Jackie and Numa, he seems to over power Julius. Julius tries to fight back, but is unable to deal with Fry's
second win. Julius then backs away and sees Fry's boken.)
Julius: I will use your own weapon against you. Boken come to me. (Boken flies through the air, but because of its
malfunction it hits Julius right in the head, knocking him out.)
Fry: Oh I'm sorry, I guess you needed more practice with the boken.
(Next Scene. Jinx and Charm have managed to separate from the group and have entered a room filled with ancient
Octuran Samurai display room.)
Charm: I haven't forgotten what you did to my Biff, and I vowed to make you pay.
Jinx: You can try, but I'll kick your ass just like last time.
(Charm punches through a glass display and gets a sword and tries to slice Jinx. Jinx dodges and gets herself a
sword. Charms tries another slice, but Jinx manages to do a few backward somersaults to avoid getting cut. But
Charm is relentless and continues to catch up with Jinx. Jinx get a slice right on her chest, her suit has been torn and
she has a minor cut. Jinx returns a favor and takes a slice out of Charm's abdomen. They start fencing, both taking
strikes but only striking the other's sword. Charm manages to slice Jinx on her right arm and Jinx places her left
hand on it to stop the minor bleeding. Suddenly, the sound of laser blasting occurs and the girls stop fighting. RJ
enters and points a gun right at the girls.)
RJ: Alright, that is enough out of you two. Charm, get going.
Charm: No way, I was about to get rid of this girl for good.
RJ: The deal was I get to wipe out Jinx. Now, get out before I do you in for free.
Charm: Fine. (Walks out and leaves. RJ walks up to Jinx while still keeping the laser on her.)
RJ: I told you, I've been waiting for this moment for a long time. (Jinx just looks afraid, trying to hide it and backs
away slowly.) Drop the sword. (Jinx does, but no surer than she does, she starts to get an angry look. RJ walks up to
her and pushes her down.)
RJ: You are pathetic. (Kif jumps him from behind and tries fighting him with his cane. RJ however, tries shooting at
Kif and hits his arm. Kif is forced to drop his cane, causing RJ to punch him down. RJ then kicks Kif for a while
and points his gun right at Kif's face. Jinx seeing this speaks out.)
Jinx: If you want to kill us, why don't you fight us with your bare hands. Put your gun down and get rid of me first.
You said you were always good with your hands.
RJ: You know, I've killed many people with my guns for a long time, and I must say I am getting bored of it.
(Throws his gun away and walks closer to Jinx.)
Kif: Jinx, no!
RJ: Shut up, you. (To Jinx) I must say I'm glad that I had snoo-snoo with you more than just once.
Jinx: Sometimes, you should have snoo-snoo only once. (Side-kicks RJ and knock him down. Jinx gets up and is
relentless and starts to take her years of being afraid of RJ out on him. Every punch and kick she gives to RJ, is a
reminder of all the things he used to do to Jinx. And finally she gives one more side kick right at RJ's jaw and he
falls in slow motion to the ground. Kif finally gets and walks towards Jinx.)
Kif: Oh my God Jinx, you beat him.
Jinx: Spluh. (RJ is barely conscious, but knows what is about to happen. Jinx gets RJ's laser gun and points it at
Kif: You're going to kill him?
Jinx: I don't know if I should. (Tries to pull the trigger, but watching RJ helpless, she begins to shake with
nervousness.) I could kill him, but it wouldn't be right, since I've just beat the crap out of him.
Kif: So you are going to let him live?
Jinx: I could, but then I probably would be making the same mistake as before. What should I do?
Kif: Look within your heart and decide. (Jinx continues to think, and she throws the gun away.)
Jinx: I know you can hear me RJ, and let me just say I think you are a coward and a creep. I've beaten you and I'm
going to let you go this time, but if you ever come after me or my family, you won't be so lucky. Let's go Kif.
Kif: What about Agents Fry and Leela?
Jinx: The Earth Army is breaking in, Kif. We are two henchmen for two idiotic villains on Earth. They'll arrest us
like these guys. We better escape while we can.
Kif: I suppose you are right. (They begin to walk away, but Jinx stops and turns back to RJ.)
Jinx: And for the record, I don't go for men who brag about having a lot of big guns. That usually means they are
compensating for something they are lacking down under. And I should know, I slept with you twice.
(Kif gives the traditional audience "ooo" as they walk out. Cut to Jessica and crew and they managed to take out
many of the Red Lord ninjas. Biff, John, Lingo and Elmar decide to escape.)
Biff: Let's go get Charm and leave, before we are capture. (The Red Lords exit.)
Jessica: We did it.
Simon: Yes, I'm finally proven myself.
Jessica: Quick, let's find Fry and help him.
(Cut to the outside of the Volcano and the Earth army has managed to apprehend many of the martial arts warriors
and they begin to fire at the volcano. That causes one of the secret doors to break, allowing the army to enter in and
lead this Military Action. The hover tanks come right in as a squad students form a chain in hopes to stop the tanks.)
Student1: Alright men, we will stand up to these Earthicans. It is what Sensei would want.
Student2: Wait, I thought Sensei wanted us to leave since he said our checks bounced.
Student1: Hey you are right, screw this. (The chain is broken and they allow the tanks to head on to the temple. The
tanks fire their lasers at the temple and that causes many of the walls to collapse. Cut to Charm who's lost her way.)
Charm: Where the hell is the exit door? (Just then a laser beam hits the wall and that causes a pillar to fall and heads
right for her when, Fry pulls her out of the way. Charm realizes that Fry has just saved her life.)
Charm: Fry, you've saved my life.
Fry: I know.
Charm: But why? I stabbed you in back.
Fry: I know, but I'm a secret agent and I'm supposed to bring the bad guys to justice and beside you did save my life
the other day and I felt I owed you no matter what. And to be honest, I did like that long talk we had.
Charm: Fry, I don't know what to say right now. (They stare in each other's eyes when Biff pushes Fry out of the
Biff: Come on Charm, lets go. (He and the Red Lords run off, but Charm remains where she is and notices Fry
trying to get up. She runs to him and kisses him on the cheek.)
Charm: That is for saving my life, and if you bring this up to Biff, I'll deny it. I did like the talk we had that night.
(Runs off after Biff. Fry just gets up and blushes at the kiss he just received. Cut to Phnog and Leela who both are
exhausted at this point and then Leela tries for one more punch, but Phnog blocks it and trip her.)
Phnog: Foolish student, you may be a black belt at Octuran Kung Fu, but I've mastered many other martial arts. And
you only have fives minutes left. (Fry then enters. Phnog turns to him.) Fry San, you are beginning to test my
patience much like 15 minutes of nonstop radio advertising.
Fry: I'm like that. (Charges at Phnog, but Phnog side kicks Fry, knocking him down.)
Phnog: (laughs) There is not man or girl alive who can match with me.
Voice: I don't think so. (Phnog and Leela look at the door and it is Numa. She has managed to find her way to the
control room. The timer reads less than four minutes until missile launch.)
Phnog: Numa, what are you doing here?
Numa: It is over Phnog, your training camp has been invaded, and your troops have been captured. Surrender is the
honorable thing to do.
Phnog: Never, how dare you suggest that option to me.
Numa: Watch your mouth, young man.
Phnog: You are not the boss of me, anymore...mother. (Leela and Fry gasp.)
Fry: Wait a sec, you Numa, are Phnog's mother?
Leela: I don't mean to be rude, but who is this woman, Fry?
Numa: I am Phnog's caretaker and wife of former head of this dojo, before Phnog took over and continued to corrupt
the dojo for his own greed.
Fry: But, I thought Phnog's father...
Numa: Phnog's father was a great warrior, and good instructor, but I'd always beat him in practice. In reality, it was
like we both were head of the dojo, but just so he wouldn't feel less of a man, we'd say he was just head of the dojo.
Phnog: You promised you wouldn't tell anybody.
Leela: Master Phnog, why would you call your mother by her first name?
Numa: Because, he thinks I embarrass him. Which is not true. He was just as stubborn when I tried to potty train
Phnog: Mother please.
Numa: Don't "mother please" me. I've kept quiet for too long, and I can't take it. I'm tired of what you've done
with the dojo. I was hoping once you took over, you'd be able to live up to old traditions of martial arts, but instead
you over price everything and misquote our great ancestor's sayings. A Sensei should show respect to his or her
students themselves, and not just what's in their pockets.
Phnog: Mother, that is old history, I'm taking martial arts to 31st Century.
Numa: The old martial arts values aren't old. They are a way of life and must be followed in order to have honor
within one's self. And I'm tired to just sit back. (Gets into a fighting stance.) You know the reason why you don't
let females practice with the males is that you are afraid that one may defeat you.
Phnog: I have became the most powerful Sensei in all the galaxy for doing what I've done and no one is going to
Leela: You'd fight your own mother?
Numa: You should've seen him put up a fight when I took him to the doctor's office for his shots.
(Phnog charges at Numa and tries a front kick, but much to everyone's surprise, Numa manages to move out of the
way very quickly. She then grabs hold of Phnog and side kicks him in the chin.)
Leela: How were you able to move so quickly?
Numa: Octurans aren't as old as they look and plus jobbing every morning and eating healthy also helps.
(Phnog tries an assault of punches, but Numa manages to block every single one with ease.)
Phnog: Why can't I hit you?
Numa: You are as stubborn as ever and that will mark your downfall. It was foolish to go through with this takeover
plan. (Phnog continues with punches and kicks, but Numa blocks everyone.)
Phnog: Don't you realize that our culture and way of life was banned on Earth. I'm doing it for our home planet.
Numa: You are doing this for yourself. Face it Phnog, you have nothing to show for except your martial arts
training. That has become your whole life, that and TV. Once Earth took away the one thing you were good at, you
had nothing else to do, because you didn't pick up any other hobbies.
Phnog: That is a lie. (Tries to strike even harder out of anger, but Numa is able to keep her composure. Phnog tries
one last punch, but Numa grabs his hand and flips him over and he lands on a table.) My back.
Numa: It is over, Phnog.
(Fry and Leela have managed to get up and are shocked that Numa managed to beat Phnog. However, the timer now
reads less than 30 seconds. Leela runs over and works the computer. She manages to stop the launch at 5 seconds.
She then turns back to Numa and Fry.)
Leela: Well so much for Phnog's plan of blowing up the Earth. And any event Ms. Numa, I am impressed, with what
you did, seeing how that you are a woman and managed to beat this chauvinist.
Fry: So, what becomes of your dojo, now that Phnog's been apprehended?
Numa: I don't know... (Turns around and RJ appears. He's battered and broken, but still has his finger on a trigger
of a laser gun.)
RJ: No more, of this Kung Fu crap. If you get hit with a laser beam, you die just as fast as any person.
(Begins to pull the trigger, when Numa jumps at him. She knocks the gun out of his hands and carries him and
throws him out a window. He falls and we see on the bottom, Joe trying to escape with one of the hover cycles. RJ
lands right on top of him. Earth agents surround them to arrest them. Numa looks on from the broken window.)
Numa: Any man with that many guns is trying to compensate for something.
(Cut to the Outside of the Volcano hideout. Earth agents are taking out random things as evidence. Earth agents are
also arresting the ninjas and we see them take RJ, Joe, Julius and Phnog in the same paddy hover wagon. RJ is
getting medical attention. Leela, Fry and Numa are right there to look on.)
Phnog: This isn't over, I shall return much like a Spider-man sequel. (Paddy wagon doors close and the paddy hover
wagon flies off. Hermes and the Professor walk up to Fry, Leela and Numa. Fry is in his spy clothes.)
Leela: Did you find the Red Lords?
Hermes: They must've escaped.
Professor: Did the inventions I gave you help, 014?
Fry: I guess, but this gi is broken.
Professor: (Analyzes the gi.) And it looks beyond repair. You might as well throw it away, I have a dozen of those
things. All of them programmed with the fighting styles of some of the greatest martial artists and also each was
soaked on a vat of Bruce Lee's blood for good luck.
Fry: Well it is good you don't want this gi, because I don't either.
(Fry throws gi away as the Sempais and students from Phnog's dojo arrive.)
Simon: You were awesome, Fry San.
Daniel: Madam Numa, we must thank you for ridding us of Phnog. We would have done something, but we are
required to obey our Sensei no matter what.
Numa: No need for apologizes, you were trying to show respect.
Hermes: 014 and 1BDI, I must congratulate you both for a successful mission. We've managed to confiscate, many
of Phnog's items. (Zoidberg arrives and he is wearing one of the Glass Helmets.)
Zoidberg: Such great a experience this is. If I buy a soda and nachos together instead of separate, I can save up to 50
cents, I can. Now if only I can afford to buy them. (Slurps his mouth flaps.)
Fry: So, what will become of the school, Numa?
Numa: Since, there is noone to lead the dojo, we will have to close it.
Jessica: But what about our training?
Fry: You can't close it, I was hoping I could attend a class now and then.
Numa: I'm sorry, but there is noone who can be Head of the dojo.
Leela: What about you, Numa?
Numa: I am too old, I am forbidden from teaching martial arts.
Leela: The heck with that, you are good and these students can benefit from your training. And a wise person once
said, Octurans aren't as old as they look. (Numa smiles after hearing that.)
Fry: Who said that? (Everyone just stares at Fry.)
Numa: Fry San, your mind still needs catching up, but I think I can help. I always saw that one day, someone such as
yourself would come and help restore honor back into our dojo and martial arts. However, this came with a price,
our training camp has suffered major damages. How will we get the money to repair the camp without raising the
prices of our fees?
Fry: Why don't you invite some of the best martial artists to compete in some huge tournament, and charge people to
see it live on pay-per-view?
Numa: That sounds like an honorable idea. Alright, students let's get started with training this Saturday morning.
Fry: This is great, I'm free on weekends and I could come and train.
Numa: Fry San, I honor thee. (Bows to Fry, and Fry and his friends bow back. Numa and her students leave.)
Leela: Well Fry, this seems to be the most successful mission. It is ashamed that Jackie, or who ever she was got
Fry: (feeling disappointed) Yeah. (Cheers up.) Well another successful mission is complete.
(Walks off into the sunset. We hear the beginning part of the Stevie Wonder song, "My Cherie Amour", but before
Stevie can sing...)
Leela: Fry, where are you going? The ship's back this way.
Fry: (Turns around.) Oh right. (Smiles and we hear "Kung Fu Fighting" one more time. Cut to The Wong Ranch.
Kif, with a sling, looks on as Amy gets hugs from both Leo and Inez.)
Inez: Oh my sweet Amy has returned.
Kif: Yes...uhm..you can thank the Mars Authorities.
Leo: Let's celebrate. We still have some more of leg of Buggalo. (Leo and Inez leave.)
Amy: Kif, I want to thank you for trying to stand up for me. Your talk helped to give me the confidence, I really
needed. I'm glad that a femme fatale like me has a friend like you. (Kisses Kif on the cheek and Kif blushes into
many colors as part of his alien powers. Next Scene. Ironfinger's home and he is watching the news.)
Linda: (On TV) Tune in tonight at 10, when President Nixon will discuss the upcoming election for the presidency of
Ironfinger: (Watching on and thinking.) Presidency of Earth? (Scruffy then enters and has two gifts for Ironfinger.)
Scruffy: Scruffy's bought you two things. (Hands him a pet turtle.)
Ironfinger: Wow, a new pet! (Holds it and pets it.)
Scruffy: The store clerk said it was from Holland.
Ironfinger: Neat, what was the other thing?
Scruffy: This...(Pulls out a stuffed pink bear. On its belly it reads "Evil doers, squeeze me.")
Ironfinger: Cute, what does it do?
(Scruffy squeezes the bear while it is still facing him and a huge ball of flame hits his upper body.)
Scruffy: Marmalade! (Runs off, screaming. Ironfinger just gets his rolodex and to look for a new Scruffy. Cut to
another part of NNY and we see Simon at a street corner and a hover limo pulls up rolls down the window. We see
five pairs of eyes.)
Dark Figure1: Well, what news do you have for me?
Simon: You were right, Phnog's plan did fail.
DF1: As I expected, that cheapskate. What else do you have for me?
Simon: Well, you said I'd get an extra million for my martial arts fees, if I brought something for you. (Pulls out
Fry's gi. He hands it to the dark figure and then hands it to another dark figure, who as an electronic hand.)
DF2: It looks busted beyond repair, but I think I can harness its technology. (Reveals it is Wernstrum. And the rest
of the people in the car are Mom and her sons, Walt, Larry and Inger.)
Mom: Good, Dr. Wernstrum. Walt!
Walt: Yes, mother?
Mom: Give this chump his money, so he can leave and I don't have to see his face anymore.
Walt: Larry, write him a check.
Larry: But mom said. (Walt slaps him.)
Walt: Quiet you.
Simon: So this means I don't have to spy for villains for dojo fees, anymore? I'm tired of being an accessory to acts
Mom: Stuff it, crap for brains!
Wernstrum: With the technology from this bath rope and this...(Pulls out a computer chip.)...chip I took out of JX
right before I escaped from PE HQ, we will be unstoppable.
Mom: Good, everything is going according as planned. (Laughs evilly and everyone joins in. Simon even joins in as
he gets his check.)
Inger: Hey, you don't get to laugh. (Slaps Simon out cold. The limo start hovers away as the passengers continue to
HOPE YOU ENJOYED THIS EPIC.
COMING SOON TO A FANFICTION NEAR YOU...
THE ELECTION OF THE PRESIDENCY OF EARTH IS COMING AND THE ROBOT MAFIA HAS
PLANS...IT MAY INVOLVE A LITTLE CLAMPING.