The Bot with the Golden Chip
I don't own Futurama or any of its characters. (Though their spy counterparts were my creations.)
Mission Title: The Bot With The Golden Chip
Spy Tip #3: Suicide Pills now come three flavors: Cherry, Watermelon and Walrus
(This story is SpyOrama 9 and takes place after "You Should Have Snoo-Snoo Only Once".)
(Opening Scene. A Black 'n' White 1940's type newsreel plays. An old fashion plane flies around the milky way.)
Narrator: This week in the universe: representatives from many planets attend DOOP Headquarters on Earth in New
Jersey for a summit headed by the Head of DOOP. One of the topics discussed will be the recent Freedom Missions
Earth has conducted in the past year. Also, with this upcoming election for the presidency of Earth, many show strong
support against current president, Richard Nixon's Head.
(Reel Ends and we cut to a scene is resembles the Senate in Star Wars. There are sky-boxes for seemly every alien
in the universe. Glab, the Head of DOOP, is at the center of this stadium-like room.)
Glab: Ladies and gentleman and Smismars, I am glad that you all have attended this summit. Before we conduct
business, I have an announcement: (Reads from a card.) would the owner of a death pyramid star-ship please move
your vehicle, it is parked in a handicapped space. (We then see in one of the sky-boxes the Representative of
Zarahordian. Next to him is a Zarahordian bodyguard, who's playing a video game.)
Representative: (Elbow's guard.) You idiot, move the star-ship, before we get a ticket.
Guard: Alright. (Gets up and leaves, but comes back.) I need the keys. (Zarahordian throws him the keys and the
guard is off.)
Representative: And don't switch my favorite radio station!
Glab: Well since we've solved that problem, let's let the Rep. of the Zarahordian planet speak.
ROZ: Thank you, as you know, our government demands President Nixon to release the prisoners your government
arrested after your so-called Freedom Mission on Desolation 13.
Glab: I'm sorry, but those prisoners conspired to the attempted invasion of Earth and therefore, Earth's mission was
ROZ: This is an outrage.
Glab: I'm sorry, that you are mad about this.
ROZ: No, I just realized you people only provide a lousy pitcher of tap water. (Holds it up.) You all can't spring
Glab: Moving on, the Representative of the Octuran planet has the floor. (We see a sky box hover close to Glab's
podium. It is the Representation of the Octuran planet, he's sort of dressed like the Viceroy from Star Wars.)
Octuran: The Octuran Federation demands that President Nixon releases his latest prisoner, Sensei Phnog. As you
know Earth forces forced themselves to Phnog's Training Camp on Mars. The Octuran Federation and Mars's
government have gotten along before this, but we are outraged that they would allow the Earth government to
capture one of our planet's most respected people.
Glab: Well, it seems that we have many arguments towards the president of Earth. It just so happens we have one of
the President's aides here. (Standing right behind her is Chaz, the President's aide.)
Chaz: Let me assure you all that President Nixon sympathizes with every one of your complaints and wishes that you
all get over it. (Walks away.)
Glab: Well, I guess this summit is over. (Leaves and many representatives are angry. Next Scene. Outside the room,
we see many Reps angry and as they leave, Joey Mousepad walks up to each of them and whispers something. Later
at a warehouse, we see Representatives from the Zarahordian planet, Octuran planet, Trisol planet and Chapek 9.)
Rep. Of Chapek: (Robot) So, where is this anti-Nixon meeting?
Rep. Of Trisol: (Body of Water alien) I hope they hurry, I got to get home and lose some of this excessive liquid.
(Touches his watery stomach. Just then a voice speaks.)
Voice: I'm glad you all decided to join us. (Everyone looks in the direction where the voice came from and it was
the Donbot , he has with him Clamps and Joey Mousepad.)
ROO: Who are you?
Donbot: We are the Robot Mafia. I'm the Donbot, and you've all met the muscle, Joey Mousepad. And over here is
Clamps, he's a crazy one.
ROZ: He doesn't look that crazy. (Clamps runs up to him and gives him a close view of his clamps.)
Clamps: Would you like to say that again? (Clamps his hands, and the ROZ just shivers and says no. Clamps pulls
Donbot: Easy Clamps. Now then, I've gathered you guys here because you all seem to have something in common.
Each of your planets have suffered from the Earth government, courtesy of the President. (Reps all agree.) Now,
what do you suppose we should do about it?
Rep. Of Zarahordian Planet: Make him wear last year's fashion?
Rep. Of Octuran Planet: Kick his ass?
Rep. Of Trisol: Drink him up?
Rep. Of Chapek 9: Kill him?
Donbot: I like the fourth option, but it is too extreme. No, I was thinking that we strip him of his power.
ROO: You mean boot him out of office?
ROZ: How? Doesn't your government allow the people to choose who's president and that person runs for a certain
amount of time?
ROC: Yes, but the government can step in and boot him out of office.
ROT: You mean recall him?
Donbot: That was an idea, but since this is an election year, I have a better plan.
ROO: You mean get someone to run for office?
Donbot: Exactly, and all we ask for return is that each of your planets align with us after our candidate is elected.
ROO: Before I agree, I must know who are you going to choose to be your candidate? The election is just next
month and Nixon is ahead at the polls, anyway.
Donbot: We've managed to think of someone who will change the tide. Someone that will make people vote for him
solely for who he is and not even care about the issues. We just need to convince him to run.
ROT: But, what if he refuses?
Donbot: Oh don't worry, we have our ways.
(Next Scene. Ironfinger's home and Jinx has stop by with Scruffy. Ironfinger is busy watching TV.)
Jinx: Okay Ironfinger, what did you call me for?
Ironfinger: Silence! I'm watching TV.
(On the TV it is "All My Circuits". A scene where Calculon walks into the bedroom and sees his half brother the
Boxbot with a gun.)
Calculon: Oh my... (Boxbot beeps a few times.) Oh yes, I love Monique, but she left you for me. Go ahead and kill
me, she love for me will burn forever.
Narrator: "All My Circuits", will return after these messages.
Ironfinger: Now Jinx, I called for you for something big. As you know, the election of the Presidency of Earth is
coming, and I have an idea.
Ironfinger: We are going to kidnap the president and implant him with this. (Holds up a golden computer chip.)
Jinx: What is that?
Ironfinger: It is a computer chip, designed make people be obedient to whomever controls it. It was one of things
Scruffy stole from Wernstrum's lab.
Ironfinger: Oh that was an old Scruffy, two Scruffys ago. Now, once we put this chip in the President Nixon's head,
I'll have complete control over him. (Laughs evilly.)
Jinx: Good plan genius, except for a few things; one he may not be president after the election, and also he isn't a
robot. That chip only works on robots.
Ironfinger: It can work on humans.
Ironfinger: Don't contradict me. Now then, I will implant this chip in the President's Head and I'll rule the Earth and
no one can stop me. (Door smashes open and the Robot Mafia enters.)
Donbot: Ironfinger, I presume.
Ironfinger: (Gasps) Oh God, the Robot Mafia. Jinx! Scruffy!
(Both jump in front of Ironfinger and are ready for a fight.)
Clamps: Calm down, we aren't here to clamp you today.
Ironfinger: So, if you aren't here to plug me, and then unplug me, then what do want with me?
Donbot: That golden chip in you hand. (Ironfinger tries to hide the golden chip.)
Ironfinger: Golden chip? What golden chip? (Donbot just walks up to him and takes it.)
Donbot: (Holding the chip.) This one.
Jinx: How did you know he had it?
Donbot: We've been monitoring your house for quite some time. Anyway, we've been thinking and we've decided
to offer you a chance of immunity from us.
Ironfinger: Immunity? What kind of immunity?
Clamps: Help us with our plan, and we promise to not clamp you.
Ironfinger: I'll take it.
Ironfinger: So, what do you want with my chip?
Donbot: We plan to put it in the head of the next president of the Earth.
Ironfinger: No fair, it was my idea to put that chip in the head of Nixon.
Donbot: We ain't putting it in Nixon's head. We are putting in a Robot Candidate.
Ironfinger: Who? Me? Me, Earth President? With that title, I could rule the world. (Laughs.)
Jinx: Please, you Earth President? You think anyone would vote for you, after all the things you've done?
Donbot: We ain't putting the chip in your head, either. We are putting it in the head of the biggest robot star on,
Ironfinger: Stephen Hawking's Head?
TV Narrator: And now back to "All My Circuit". (Ironfinger just merely smiles with an evil grin. Next Scene. PE
HQ. Fry is watching, "All Mr Circuits" and is really into the episode.)
Fry: Watch out, Calculon! (Leela enters.)
Leela: Fry, turn off the TV, we have to meet the Professor and Agent C. (She turns off TV and Fry's disappointed.)
Fry: Man, I was about to find out, if Calculon defeated his evil half brother.
(Cut to them walking down a secret hallway. This scene is just like from True Lies. They come to a door. We see
an agent on the other side at a desk.)
Agent: (From behind door.) Identify yourselves.
Leela: Agents 014 and 1BDI requesting entrance.
Agent: Wait a second, let me run a DNA scan. (He presses a button on the table and we see a screen showing Fry and
Leela. The screen is an x-ray, we start to see Fry and Leela underneath their clothes. The Agent looks pleased
looking at Leela.) Oh man, I'd love to come home to that. (Scanning is done and he pushes a button to open the
door. Fry and Leela enter.)
Fry: Hey Clyde.
Clyde: Hey Agent 014.
Leela: I got to hand it to you, I hear you've been doing a bang up job for years. I can't believe they haven't
Clyde: oh I'm in no hurry.
(Smiles as Fry and Leela walks by. Cut to them in the conference room and Hermes and the Professor are there.)
Hermes: Welcome, Agents 014 and 1BDI. We have a new assignment for you.
Fry: What is it?
Professor: Starting this Monday, you'll be guarding the President of Earth.
Fry: The President of Earth?
Leela: Doesn't he have the Secret Service to do that for him? We are secret agents.
Hermes: Yes, but every election, security needs to be bumped up and the Secret Service is always under staffed.
Professor: Their line of work is very dangerous.
Hermes: Who knows what foreign or domestic threat can befall on President Richard Nixon?
Fry: Richard Nixon? Wait, he is president of the World?
Fry: But wasn't he president two consecutive times? I learned that from reading a kid's food tray once.
Leela: Yes, but the constitution clearly states that nobody can run for president more than twice. However, since
he's just a head, he has no body and therefore the constitution doesn't apply to him.
Professor: Yes and since 2984, he's served as the leader of the free world.
Hermes: Anyway, moving on, you two will have to help guard the president until after the election.
Leela: We'll do our best.
Hermes: And oh take Zoidberg.
Leela and Fry: What?! (Cut to them in the Professor's lab. The Professor has some new gadgets.)
Professor: Now, before you meet the president, you'll need these. (Hands them two Golden Lasers.)
Fry: Neat, golden lasers. Are they solid gold?
Professor: oh course not, they are just ordinary lasers, spray painted to look more presidential. Which reminds me,
you might want to take these spray cans in case the paint fades. (Hands them two spray cans of gold paint.) So good
luck on Monday.
Fry: So, there is an election coming up?
Leela: Yeah, are you registered to vote?
Leela: Why aren't you? You must register so you can vote.
Fry: I've never voted for anything in my life. Like that ever made a difference.
Leela: That is pure 20th century attitude. Fry, things are different now.
Fry: Hmm, well in that case, I'll register to vote.
Leela: Luckily, we have registration forms here. (Hands Fry one. Next Scene. In Hollywood, Calculon is heading to
his dressing room and he's trying to avoid the reporters.)
Scoop Chan: Excuse me, Calculon. Scoop Chan, the LA Hologram Times and I want to ask you, how does it feel to
be the most successful robot actor on Earth?
Calculon: Well it takes a big robot to fill that role, and I'm the only one for the job. (Heads down the hall as a force
field prevents the reporters from following him. A few get shocked from standing too close to the force field.
Calculon walks into his dressing room where he meets Jinx.)
Calculon: Who are you?
Jinx: I am Meget Laid, and I'm your new buffer. Please lay on the table and I'll buff and polish you.
Calculon: Okay. (Lies on the table and Calculon has his eyes turned off. Jinx has a buffer, but puts it down to view
the back of Calculon's head. She uses a screwdriver to jimmy open a small door in the back of Calculon's head and
she sees many circuits in Calculon's head. She then takes out of her pocket the golden chip and she places it in the
Calculon's head. Some reprogramming is happening. Then the Robot Mafia and Ironfinger enter.)
Donbot: Good work, Ironfinger. Your femme fatale is good.
Jinx: You have no idea. (Uses the all purpose spray can and sprays her spy suit back. Calculon opens up.)
Calculon: Hey, what are you all doing here?
Calculon: Excuse me?
Donbot: I'm sorry, I thought you'd like some Nick-nacks.
Calculon: What the hell are...?
Donbot: ...Nick-nacks? (Calculon has an hypnotic expression on his face.) Good, now he's under our power.
Calculon, you remember us? We are the Robot Mafia, your friends and this is Ironfinger and his femme fatale, Jinx.
Calculon: (Answers very naturally, but in an emotionless manner.) Please to meet you all.
Ironfinger: How did you do that?
Donbot: We managed to get a few of Dr. Wernstrum's old instructions. And from what we've read, the Golden Chip
is voice activated and can turn on when a certain phrase is repeated three times.
Jinx: And the phrase is Nick-nacks?
Donbot: They were like Tic Tacs, but with more pork. They were pulled off the shelves because it caused high
cholesterol. Hardly anyone says that phrase, now. Now then, Calculon.
Donbot: Let me axe you a question, how does the President of Earth sound?
Calculon: President of Earth? I'm a big Hollywood actor, what do I know about politics?
Donbot: It doesn't matter, people already like you. As long as you maintain your image, you'll get in that office.
Voters care only about image, because they are afraid to deal with the issues. You should run for president.
Calculon: Well in that case, I'm interested.
Donbot: Good, and oh one thing, please don't let everyone know that the Robot Mafia is helping you, we want you
to get all the attention.
Calculon: Why, certainly.
Donbot: Good. Joey, call all those foreign representatives and tell them we've found our candidate.
Jinx: Excuse me, but we have a problem. The election is in a month and the nominees have already been selected.
The only way for someone new to be put on the ballot is to have a petition signed by many voters.
Donbot: Don't worry, red. We've got that taken care of.
(Next Scene. A hover limo drives up to a random person and the door opens and Joey grabs the guy and pulls him
into the limo.)
Guy: Hey, what's going on?
Ironfinger: Shut up! (Slaps him.)
Donbot: You, shut up. (Slaps Ironfinger and Jinx smiles. Donbot then offers the guy a pen and clipboard with a
piece of paper on it.) Now then sir, are you a registered voter?
Guy: Why yes, I am.
Donbot: Then be so kind as to sign that petition.
Guy: What is it for?
Donbot: It doesn't matter.
Guy: I'm sorry, but I do not to sign anything without reading it. I did that once and I lost my wife, kids and my
Clamps: How would you like to lose something else? (Shows the guy his clamps.)
Guy: (Scared) No thanks. (Signs the paper without question. The Robot Mafia throws the guy out of the limo and it
drives anyway. Cut to random scenes of the Robot Mafia going around NNY and picking up people and threatening
them to sign the petition. Every person signs that petition. Then we cut to Fry exiting a store with a bag of junk food
and he gets nabbed by the limo.)
Fry: Hey, what's going on?
Donbot: Just sign this and you can go.
Fry: Okay. (Just signs it.)
Donbot: Hey, I like this guy, we didn't have to threaten him. (Fry then gets thrown out. The limo hovers away.)
Fry: What was that about? (Cut to inside the limo.)
Ironfinger: Donbot, that was Agent 014. He has foiled my plans to take over the Earth dozens of times. You
should've clamped him.
Donbot: Relax, not even he can stop us from getting Calculon into office. Joey, call Sammy, "The Mechanical
Bull", Gravano and tell him to fax this to Washington and make sure it can't be traced back to us.
Joey: No problem, Don.
(Next Scene. Monday, and we are at the White House. A sign by the front gates reads, "All trespassers must have
written authorization." Inside, Fry, Leela and Zoidberg are seen looking around and they see a portrait of an alien
overlord. Zoidberg has his Oddjob clothes on.)
Leela: (Reading.) "Havoc the Unmerciful". I remember him, from history class. He was our 73th president.
Fry: What did he do?
Leela: He was a strong supporter for education. He had all the drop-outs sent to his old home planet to be fed to his
(They pass by a portrait of other former presidents, George W. Bush, Thomas Jefferson and Michael Moore. Just
then Morgan Proctor enters.)
Morgan: Hello, you must be the agents DOOP sent to help protect the president, I am Morgan Proctor.
Fry: Yes, the name's Fry, Philip J. Fry.
Leela: Agents 1BDI and 014 reporting for duty, ma'am.
Zoidberg: And Dr. Zoidberg, also here.
Morgan: I don't recall requesting for a doctor. What qualifications do you have?
Zoidberg: Eh you know, I've treated a few and lost a few.
Morgan: Well then come this way. (They walk down the hall and they've reached the front door of the Oval Office.)
Fry: Oh my God, just behind these doors we'll be meeting the President of Earth.
Morgan: (Hands the three of them papers.) Please sign these papers for meeting the President. (They all sign the
papers and Morgan's stamps all of them.) You may now enter. (They enter the Oval Office and they see Chaz with
Chaz: Excuse me, do you three have clearance?
Morgan: Yes, they do.
Nixon: That is enough, Chaz. Go inspect the interns.
Chaz: (Snickers) One the perks of this job. (Leaves.)
Nixon: Ms. Proctor, you may leave also.
Morgan: Alright, I'm off to fill out the papers for your 3 o'clock lunch interview with News Monster, Morbo.
(Walks out of the room.)
Nixon: Now then, you three are here to help with security.
Leela: Yes, we're Agents 014 and 1BDI.
Nixon: Oh yes, I've heard of you two. You've managed prevent the Earth from Radical Hippy Rule.
Fry: It was nothing.
Nixon: Now then, as you know I'm running in this year's election and I'm ahead at the polls.
Fry: Who is running against you?
Nixon: How should I know? I've won the last few elections, that I don't even bother to know my competition.
(Morgan runs in, concerned.)
Morgan: Mr. President, I must inform that you engage in viewing the television for an important announcement.
(She pushes a button on the wall and big secret door opens to reveal a giant, big screen TV. The TV turns on and
there is a press conference. Calculon is standing behind a podium and a swarm of reporters are right in front of him
and Linda is reporting to viewers at home.)
Linda: Today, Earth has received shocking news. With only a month until the election, it appears we have a new
Calculon: Ladies and gentlemen, I have watched as President Nixon has allowed the Planet to go through problem
after problem and I for one am tired of it. So, it is with great pleasure that I throw my name in the race for the
Presidency of Earth. And I for one think its time we have a president who can stand on his own two feet. (Crowd
Linda: So there you have it, Calculon has announced his candidacy.
Nixon: This doesn't look good.
Leela: Why would a big time Hollywood actor want to run for office? It sounds like perfect material for today's
famous comedians mooch off of.
Linda: Much to Calculon's candidacy is due to Congress approving his petition, signed by a number of legal voters.
(TV screen shows a list of signatures. Some are Randy, Flexo, Matt Groening and in a large print, Philip J. Fry.)
Leela: Fry, how could you sign that petition? (Fry just looks embarrassed.)
Nixon: This is terrible, now that a big name like Calculon is running for president, I don't stand a chance.
Morgan: I'll fill out the proper papers, for immediate moving out of the White House.
Nixon: Not so fast, I'm not giving up like I did with Vietnam. I'm going to fight this and I need all of your help.
Leela: I guess we should, something about this doesn't seem right.
Nixon: Looks like we will have a busy day tomorrow. Ms. Proctor, please show our guests where they'll be staying.
(Next Scene. Somewhere else in the White House and Fry is shown to his room by Morgan.)
Morgan: I hope you enjoy this room, Will Smith and wife once spent the night here. (Morgan leaves as Fry looks
Fry: Neat. (Cut to Morgan showing Leela her room.)
Morgan: This will be your room and I hope everything in fine.
Leela: I'm sure it is, thank you Ms. Proctor.
Morgan: Good and remember, President Nixon likes his bodyguards to have cleanliness.
(Morgan leaves. Cut to Chaz showing Zoidberg his room.)
Chaz: This is your room. (Zoidberg walks to the bathroom and sees a huge hot tub shaped like a clam.)
Zoidberg: I'll take it. (Cut back to Leela's room and Fry enters.)
Fry: So Leela, what do you want to do?
Leela: We should get some rest, we have a big day tomorrow. And try to have cleanliness.
Fry: Okay, good night Leela. (Exits Leela's door and the door closes.) Well, I guess I better get settled in. (Cut to
Fry and he's turned his room into a pigpen. There is junk food everywhere and he's in his underwear.) I can't
believe all expenses paid. (Just then Morgan enters the room. Fry is embarrassed.)
Morgan: My word, what is this?
Fry: Ms. Proctor! Wait, I can explain.
Morgan: There's ice cream cartons and pizza boxes all over the place. (Walks up to a pile of junk food remains and
there are flies buzzing around.) Mr. Fry, you are a filthy slob. Aren't you?
Fry: (Shamefully) I am.
Morgan: Kiss me. (Hugs and starts kissing him like crazy.) Dirty boy. Dirty, dirty, dirty!
Fry: What are you doing? (Morgan stops herself.)
Morgan: Forgive me for that impulsive kissing, but I've had to deal with complete neat freaks all the time and I just
get frustrated. For once, I'm glad to meet a filthy slob like you. (Pushes Fry up to a wall.)
Fry: (Flattered) Oh stop. (Morgans starts kissing him and Fry enjoys it.)
Morgan: Now listen, no one must know it this, it could ruin my reputation.
Fry: Is this one of those things where you are embarrassed of letting people know you like me, so you give me a lame
excuse that it is more romantic if we keep this a secret?
Morgan: Sort of.
Fry: Just checking. (Both start kissing and fall onto the bed. Time passes and Morgan and Fry are in bed naked.)
Fry: Man, I can' believe we just made out.
Morgan: I know, a person of my rank is not allowed to fraternize with a fellow worker. You do promise not to tell
anyone? It could ruin your chances of being the President's bodyguard.
Fry: Don't worry, I know when to keep a secret. (Next Scene. Leela and Fry meet at the lobby.)
Leela: Hey Fry.
Fry: I slept with Morgan, please stop giving me the third degree.
Leela: You what?!
Fry: It wasn't my fault, she said she was into slobs and she kept kissing me and undressing herself.
Leela: Typical excuse. (Frowns and turns her head from Fry.)
Fry: Hey, you aren't jealous, aren't you?
Leela: Me?...No, no, of course not. (Chaz enters with Zoidberg.)
Chaz: Listen up, the President is scheduled to be at the TV station for an interview with the opposing candidate.
Zoidberg: Will we get more of these mints? (Has a claw full of mints and slurps them up. Next Scene. TV Station
and Morbo is doing the interviewing and Calculon is at one podium and has on a fancy suit. Fry walks in holding
Nixon's head and places him on another podium next to Calculon.)
Fry: Oh God, TV's Calculon! I'm a big fan of your show. Can I have your autograph?
Calculon: It'll cost you, my signature don't come cheap.
Nixon: Fry! Don't mingle with the competition. (Fry walks away leaving Nixon and Calculon ready for the debate,
in front of a live studio audience.)
Morbo: Greetings puny humans, today we will have a debate with candidates, one of whom will rule over you.
Please say hello to TV and movie star, Calculon.
Calculon: Hello, Morbo, how's the wife and family?
Morbo: She continues to burn dinner. I shall destroy her one day! And also give a warm full welcome to Morbo's
good friend, President Richard Nixon.
Nixon: Hello Morbo. How are the kids?
Morbo: Belligerent and numerous. Now then, I'm going to ask each of you a question and I hope both of you answer
truthfully. Question One: How do each of you feel about Earth Security? Calculon you go first.
Calculon: Let me just say, I'm appalled at President Nixon's performance of keeping Earth save. In the last year
under Nixon's rule, we've had to deal with an Ice Age, potential asteroid hits, robot invasions, the internet taken over
twice and let's not forget all of us being addicted to Power Slurm for a while. (Audience Agrees. Fry, Leela and
Zoidberg look on from a monitor, in a back room.)
Leela: This is not good.
Fry: Oh look Leela, a table with food. (Heads over to it as Zoidberg follows. Cut back to debate.)
Morbo: Mr. President, what do you have to say about this?
Nixon: (Starts sweating) Well, if you say it like that then it is a bad thing, but let's not forget that the spy agency I
created helped to stop enemy invaders from taking over the Earth. Because of their bravery, Earth has avoided many
Calculon: But not all the time. (Cut to Donbot backstage and Ironfinger walks by.)
Ironfinger: Don, how do you plan on giving Calculon the upper hand?
Donbot: Don't worry, I've managed to give him dirt that will stack the cards in our favor.
Calculon: I've managed to find evidence that Nixon's administration had over 120,000 hours of video tape evidence
that showed the early stages of SCAM's evil plan of invading Earth. However, your administration waited to the last
minute to response.
Nixon: What?! That is impossible.
Calculon: Oh no? Here is the evidence! (Holds a video tape.) This video tape, taken from Global Security Agency,
contains a SCAM training session, but apparently someone used this evidence to tape over half the footage with an
episode from Joe Millionaire. (Everyone gasps in horror as Nixon sweats even more.)
Morbo: Morbo, demands a rebuttal from President Nixion.
Nixon: You can't blame the GSA, they had thousands of tapes and they can only perform 50 mega-checks per
second. And have you priced blank tapes, lately. I mean...
Calculon: I rest my case. (Cut to Leela.)
Leela: How could Calculon obtain evidence like that? (Cut to Morbo.)
Morbo: Moving on, President Nixon, it was the public's understanding that your government had captured known
super-villain Mom but she managed to escape. How do you respond?
Nixon: Let me just say to the public that we are using every resource available to catch Mom: GSA, Foreign
Intelligence, and voodoo doctors.
Calculon: Yes, but you allowed her to escape in the first place. How can we be sure that you won't let that happen?
Morbo: Calculon, what do you plan on doing?
Calculon: What I plan to do about Mom is that I plan to hunt down Mom the same way I hunt for the perfect script
for me to act in. (Audience is pleased.) And I won't allow that to be sidetracked by less important things, as my
opponent has done. (Cut to a political Montage. Calculon doing things to please fans. He's kissing baby robots and
shaking the hands of many robots. Cut to Nixon's campaign headquarters and only a few supporters attend. Cut to
Nixon and our heroes.)
Nixon: This is terrible, I've even lost the Irish vote.
Leela: What about those campaign commercials that points out how bad Calculon is? (Pops in video tape. We see
Calculon with a leather jacket, dark sunglasses and a laser gun.)
Narrator: Can we trust a robot actor who's known for portraying violent characters? How can we let someone who
represents violence run for office? Vote for Nixon. (Commercial ends.)
Morgan: We thought that would work, but it turns out that the public goes for that image. Calculon went on to say
that he plans to run around with a laser gun in his hand everyday to help stop evil from trying to take over the Earth.
Leela: Election day is almost upon us and you seem to be slipping in the polls.
Nixon: Of great Kennedy's ghost, what will I do?
Morgan: Mr. Nixon, you have that golf game with Calculon later this week.
Nixon: Oh great, I'll need a caddy. (Looks at Zoidberg.)
Zoidberg: Hurray, I'm useful.
Nixon: Agent 1BDI, please inform my aide that I need my golf gear.
Leela: Will do. (Cut to entering a room and she's impressed by how clean it is.) This looks nice. (Just then Chaz
steps in from the bathroom and he was showering. He is shocked from seeing Leela that is in the room that his
towels falls down and Leela is shocked to see him naked.)
Leela: My God, you have a third nipple. (We have a glimpse at his chest and we see on the chest he has two normal
nipples, but next to his right nipple is another nipple.)
Chaz: (Nervous) No, it isn't. It's...a...tumor. Yeah, that's it.
Leela: Please, you could come up with a better excuse than that.
Chaz: Alright, I admit it, I do have a third nipple.
Leela: That means, you are a...
Leela: That makes you a least mutated mutant, just like me.
Chaz: You mean you aren't an alien? You are a mutant?
Leela: Yes, I can't believe I found another mutant that is least mutated.
Chaz: I feel the same way, you are the first to know of my mutation.
Leela: But why would you hide your mutation?
Chaz: Mutants have it rough. If people were to find out that I was a mutant than I would be treated different. They
might strip me of some privileges that comes with being the President's Aide.
Leela: Nonsense, as you can see I can't hide my mutation, but DOOP treats me just the same. I'm one of their best
Chaz: At last, I found someone who I can relate to. Someone where I don't have to show off my President Aide
privileges on an exaggerated level.
Leela: At last, I found someone who is like me. But how did you get a job like this?
Chaz: I was born in the sewers, but since I was least mutated, I was picked on by all the other kid mutants. As a
result, I ran away to the surface. I managed to blend in with the normal humans by always wearing a shirt and saying
I had sensitive skin. Of course there were times where I had to do my laundry and all my shirts were dirty. I'd have
to say I had pepperoni stuck to my chest.
Leela: That story is so touching, but it is amazing how you've managed to get a job like this.
Chaz: Well, I majored in political science. What about you?
Leela: I was born with only one eye and my parents were happy that I was not that mutated as them. They felt I
deserved a better life and thus took me to the surface world. I was pretty much on my own, living at the
Orphanarium. I practiced Octuran Kung Fu when it was still legal to practice on Earth and that caught the interest of
DOOP. They offered me a chance to be an agent since I would pass as an alien. DOOP helped to reunite me with
my parents, even though my parents aren't allowed on the surface.
Chaz: That story is sweet. I wish I knew my parents, but DOOP was never able to find them.
(Chaz leans closer to Leela and they kiss. Next Scene. Calculon and he's in his hotel room. The phone rings and he
Calculon: Yes, hello.
Voice on other end: Nick-nacks.
Calculon: : Excuse me?
Voice: Do you have nick-nacks?
Calculon: I don't understand what you mean?
Voice: All I'm asking is if you have nick-nacks. (Calculon goes into a trance.) Good now walk to the closet.
(Calculon walks to the closet.) Now Calculon, pull on the third coat-hanger to your right. (He does and a secret
passage way opens and Calculon walks in and we see the Robot Mafia. The voice turns out to be Donbot.)
Calculon: Hello, Donbot.
Donbot: Hello, Calcey.
Clamps: It's a good thing this secret room came with the hotel room.
Joey: Yeah, and also all the free towels we could get.
Donbot: Hey, where is Ironfinger? (Ironfinger, Jinx and Scruffy walk in.)
Ironfinger: Yes, you called.
Donbot: Where have you been?
Ironfinger: We were at the pool area, we just got back.
Donbot: Now that you are here, we can begin business. (Heads to a computer and he pushes a button. We see four
holographic figures. They are the Representatives from Octuran, Zarahordian, Trisol and Chapek 9 planets.)
ROO: Aw Mr. Donbot, nice to see you.'
ROZ: Does this pixel make me look fat?
Donbot: Gentlemen, as you've been watching, my candidate is ahead of the polls and he is sure to win this upcoming
Golf Debate. Why not now sign your allegiance with us now?
ROO: Like I said Donbot, my planet will not side with you, unless your candidate gets into office.
ROT: The same goes for all of us. (Representatives all agree.)
Donbot: I understand but rest assured, Calculon is a shoe in to win.
ROZ: And the Robot Mafia will run the Earth?
Donbot: Well not exactly. (A fifth Hologram turns on and it is Lrrr.)
Lrrr: Greetings, I am Lrrr, ruler of the Planet Omicron Persei 8!
Donbot: Hey Lrrr, how's everything been for you?
Lrrr: That new TV show featuring people singing pop songs in their SUVs angers me.
Donbot: Yeah, don't get me started on that.
Lrrr: Now then, you representatives will swear your planets' allegiance to me once I rule Earth. (Representatives
agree with fear.)
Ironfinger: Wait a minute, you mean the Robot Mafia is still working with the Omicronians?
Lrrr: Who is that robot with the deformed finger?
Donbot: Hey, relax Lrrr. He's cool.
Lrrr: Now then, I must get back to the TV and see how Miami detectives will identify a killer with just using pre-chewed gum and puddle of urine as evidence. (Hologram disappear. The representatives also disappear.)
Donbot: Now then Calculon, let's talk about your next debate. (The Robot Mafia walk off with Calculon, leaving
Ironfinger, Jinx, and Scruffy.)
Scruffy: So the plot thickens.
Ironfinger: Yes, it has. We must help our new comrades and ensure that he has our piece of the planet.
Jinx: Don't tell me you have a plan?
Ironfinger: Jinx, I have a plan. I'm afraid that President Nixon will have an accident on the day of that Golf Debate.
(Laughs evilly.) Now, let's go down to the dinner room and get some beer.
(Next Scene. Back in Chaz's room and we see Leela and Chaz both in bed sleeping. Leela wakes up and as sees the
Leela: Oh my God.
(Next Scene. The day of the Golf Debate. Calculon has a golf suit much that of Goldfinger's. Fry and Leela arrive.
Fry is carrying Nixon's head. Nixon has a golf cap and Zoidberg, still in his Oddjob suit arrives carrying a golf bag.)
Zoidberg: I feel so helpful. (We see Linda and Morbo standing by to report this event.)
Linda: (Quietly) Good Afternoon. Today we are going to interview the candidates as they take a swing on the issues
and on the green. Morbo?
Morbo: (Quietly, but still has a high volume.) Morbo hates having to lower his voice. (We see Fry, Leela and
Zoidberg escorting the president to the green.)
Fry: Why does golfing have to do with debate?
Leela: The Golf Debate has been popular for 1,000 years, when the president back then golfed during times of war.
(Chaz shows up.)
Chaz: Oh Leela, you forgot this. (Hands her, her wrist thingy.)
Leela: (embarrassed) Oh thank you. (Chaz leaves.)
Fry: What's wrong?
Fry: Then how come you are blushing like that? I haven't seen you like that since you...you didn't?
Fry: Looks I'm not the only one interested in the President's aides.
Leela: You don't understand, Chaz is different. He's someone I can relate to.
Fry: Just like how you related to Zapp and Barbados? (Leela just frowns. Morgan arrives.)
Morgan: Hello, Mr. Fry. (Winks at Fry, but Fry looks nervous. Cut to Ironfinger, Jinx and Scruffy. They are by a
hover golfcart. They are dress like they're golfers.)
Jinx: So what is your clever evil plan?
Ironfinger: Simple. (Pulls out a golf ball.)
Jinx: (sarcastically) Wow, that is genius, using a golf ball at a golf course.
Ironfinger: It may look like an ordinary golf ball, but it is actually an explosive. When the president tries to take a
swing, Calculon's a sole candidate.
Scruffy: Scruffy is impressed.
Jinx: That does sound clever enough, but won't the Robot Mafia get mad that you are doing this behind their backs?
Ironfinger: No, once they see Nixon blow up, they'll wish they thought of it. Now, let's keep on the game. We need
to find the perfect opportunity to switch balls. (Cut to Morbo walking up to Calculon as about to take a swing.)
Morbo: Morbo, has a question to ask the robot candidate. How do you feel about taxes?
Calculon: Why Morbo, I plan to lower taxes, like how I raise box office gross.
(Takes a swing and he hits the golf ball really far.)
Fry: He's good.
Nixon: That's, what I'm afraid of?
Fry: Wait, how do you plan on golfing? You're just a head.
Nixon: Yes, but I have this.
(Uses his nose to push a button on the floor of his jar. That causes a compartment outside the jar to open. Two
robotic arms come out and grab hold of one of the clubs that Zoidberg was carrying. Nixon using the robotic arms is
still being carried by Fry. Nixon takes a swing and manages to hit the ball really far. Morbo walks up to him.)
Morbo: Mr. Nixon, how do you feel about taxes?
Nixon: Morbo, I plan to keep taxes low as possible. Though, we do have to think about Global Security.
Morbo: Interesting words.
(Cut to a montage. We see Calculon making hole in ones and appears to be beating Nixon. However, at some point
Nixon manages to be on the winning side. Cut to Nixon finishing the 17th hole.)
Nixon: ...and that Morbo is how I feel about sex monitoring chips.
Morbo: Thank you. (Turns to Calculon) Calculon, how do you feel about inter-species marriages.
Calculon: When it comes to sex, I don't care, since I'm not a biological organism. But I feel that if two members of
different species love each other, then they should be together.
Nixon: How could you understand the love between two members of different species? You are a robot.
Morbo: Nixon has a point.
(Nixon takes his hit and the ball manages to get out of view at some point. We see Ironfinger, Jinx and Scruffy who
manage to walk up to the ball.)
Ironfinger: This is the perfect time to switch balls. (Replaces Nixon's ball with his explosive one. Then the three
walk away. Nixon and company manage to find the ball.)
Nixon: Aw, here is where it landed.
Fry: You better hurry, Calculon is in the lead to the 18th hole. (Nixon is about to hit the ball, when Leela interrupts.)
Leela: hold it. (Picks up the ball and it reads "Scaramanga".) Just as I thought, this isn't your ball. Yours says,
Nixon: You are right, I would've lost by technicality. Thank you, Agent 1BDI.
Leela: Now to carelessly throw this ball away.
(Throws the ball in the air. The ball heads to where Ironfinger is celebrating.)
Ironfinger: Here Scruffy. (Gives him Nixon's ball.) Hmm, I should've heard an explosion by now. Jinx help me
take a closer look. (He and Jinx leave Scruffy, when the exploding ball lands are by him. Cut to Ironfinger and Jinx
and they hear an explosion and Scruffy.)
Scruffy: Marmalade! (Ironfinger and Jinx turn around.)
Ironfinger: Poor Scruffy.
Jinx: Never saw that coming. (Hears Fry and Leela coming.) Gluck, we better leave before they get here.
(They manage to leave before Fry and Leela head to the burnt area.)
Fry: What happened? And why do I smell burnt flesh?
Leela: Look, (picks up Nixon's ball and sees the remains of the exploding golf ball) Nixon's ball, this seems weird.
(Cut to Nixon and Calculon finally making it on the green of the 18th hole. Calculon manages to get the hole in one.)
Calculon: Well Nixon, looks like you lost the golf debate, which may be a sign of things to come.
(Cut to Morbo and Linda in the news room.)
Linda: With the election just days away, it appears Calculon is a shoe-in to win.
(Revealing that Nixon and company were watching this news report.)
Morgan: This doesn't look good, Mr. President.
Nixon: Oh I'm done for, nothing else to do but cut my loses. (Morgan carries him and leaves.)
Fry: (noticing Leela upset) What's wrong Leela?
Leela: Something just doesn't seem right. I can't forget that explosion that happened earlier today.
Fry: What do you think we should do?
Leela: I think we better pay a visit to Calculon's Election Headquarters.
Fry: Okay, but what about guarding the President?
Leela: I'll have Zoidberg spend time with him, but first I need to get directions to where Calculon is staying.
Fry: Oh does that mean, you are going to talk to Chaz?
Leela: Fry, it will just be professional.
Fry: (teasing) Sure.
Leela: Well Romeo, what about you and Morgan?
Fry: Funny you should mention that, I plan to call it off.
Leela: Why would you do that?
Fry: Because, all this sneaking around, making love, it is really hard and I already don't do a good job as a spy.
(Leela realizes something and leaves as Fry looks around the room and Morgan enters again.)
Morgan: Hello, Fry.
Fry: Morgan! How are you?
Morgan: I still remember what happened that night.
Fry: Look Morgan, I like you but I don't this will work out with you and me.
Morgan: Nonsense, you are a dirty, filthy slob and that's how I like my men.
(Walks closer to Fry. Fry looks nervous.)
Fry: Look I'm flattered, but I'm a secret agent, and I'll always be away on missions.
Morgan: Really, with that agent 1BDI. Is it her?
Fry: No, we are just friends.
Morgan: Good. (They kiss and make out. Cut to Leela and she runs into Chaz.)
Chaz: Hello, Leela. How's it going? Why don't we get together in the dinning room?
(Grabs hold of Leela and cut to them at a candle light dinner.)
Leela: This tastes good. I can't believe how good a cook you are.
Chaz: Nothing is too good for a someone as beautiful as you.
Leela: It is great talking with you. We have so much in common. We're both least mutated mutants. We both like
the same things and care about all forms of life. It feel I can totally relate to you.
Chaz: I know, so how about we do what did that night?
Leela: (Has a shocked look her face, realizing what this could mean.) Look Chaz, about that night...
Chaz: ...yes it was good.
Leela: Look Chaz, I liked what happened that night, but I feel that we should just be friends.
Leela: It's not you, the truth is I'm a secret agent and my job would interfere in any relationship. You of all people
would understand that.
Chaz: (disappointed) I understand.
Leela: Look Chaz, I was wondering if you knew where I can find Calculon's Election Headquarters?
Chaz: Why would you want to know that?
Leela: I just need to investigate something. (Next Scene. Fry and Leela are right outside the Watergate Hotel.)
Fry: So this is Watergate? Is it really that good?
Leela: Well they do have free ice. (Cut to them knocking on Calculon's door and Calculon answers.)
Calculon: Yes, can I help you two?
Leela: We are Agents 014 and 1BDI, and we have questions to ask you.
Calculon: Hmm...please enter. (They enter and Fry looks around.)
Calculon: Ask your questions.
Leela: Well for starters, why would a successful actor such as yourself think you'd be perfect for politics?
Calculon: Because, I feel I can help make a difference. And once I get into that office, I'll make a huge difference.
Leela: Hmm...well then can you explain this. (Holds the remains of the golf bomb.) I analyzed this and my scanner
reads traces of explosive material.
Calculon: What does that have to do with me?
Leela: I also made out a label. (We see the phrase "Scara...".) My guess it is short for "Scaramanga" the brand of
golf balls you used for the Golf Debate.
Calculon: I don't understand what you are trying to prove, but I have you know I know nothing about exploding golf
balls. (Fry walks into a closet.)
Fry: I wonder what he needs this coat hanger for. (Pulls on it and reveals the secret passage, where we see Ironfinger
and Jinx.) Can't I once pry into someone's closet, without revealing a hidden room?
Ironfinger: Agent 014, Jinx get him.
Jinx: With pleasure. (Karate kicks Fry, knocking him down. The noise causes Leela to race to Fry's aide.)
Leela: Jinx, we meet again.
Jinx: Right, only this time, I'm ready to kick you ass.
Leela: I've been waiting for this for a long time. (They start fighting, trading punches, but each is fast enough to
block the other's blows. The noise causes the Robot Mafia to arrive. Fry pulls out his golden laser gun.)
Fry: Freeze. (Clamps grabs the gun and clamps it.)
Clamps: You were saying? (Clamps grabs Fry by the neck. That distracts Leela and Jinx sucker punches her. Cut to
Fry and Leela onboard the Robot Mafia's ship. They are strapped to chairs.)
Fry: Sorry, Leela.
Leela: It's okay.
(The Robot Mafia, Ironfinger, and Jinx enter. We also see holographic images of the alien representatives.)
ROO: Aw...the agents who aided in the capture of Sensei Phnog.
Donbot: Let's get down to business.
Leela: Shows over, Donbot. Once the public learns that Calculon is working for the Robot Mafia, they'll vote
Lrrr: Silence, puny Earthling. (We see a holographic image of Lrrr and Ndnd.)
Lrrr: Correct, I am Lrrr, ruler of the planet ruler of the Planet Omicron Persei 8!
Ndnd: And you are too busy to spend time with your wife.
Lrrr: Not now, Ndnd. Now then, it pleases me to see the two earth spies who foiled my last plan to take over Earth,
strapped to chairs.
Leela: I had a feeling you were behind this, I expected you to have others do your dirty work.
Lrrr: Being ruler of a planet takes a lot of my time.
Ndnd: Let's not forget all the TV you spend sitting on your ass watching.
Lrrr: One of these days Ndnd, bang, zoom, straight to the second moon of the Planet Omicron Persei 8.
Fry: So, what's your evil plan?
Lrrr: Glad you mentioned that. With the help of the Robot Mafia and their candidate. I will have complete control
Fry: So, you couldn't just take over Earth the same way any other villain does?
Lrrr: Yes, because this plan is more clever. I mean it has to be, your so-called Electoral College is too confusing
enough as it is.
Fry: Wait a minute Leela, isn't Nixon scheduled for one last press conference?
Lrrr: Once brings us to the next phrase of my fiendish plan. In case you don't know, Calculon is under the control of
a Golden Chip, which is the reason why he's in this election. I've already instructed the Robot Mafia to have our
candidate eliminate the competition...Oh Donbot. (Donbot is already on the phone.)
Donbot: Hello Calculon...? Nick-Nacks, Nick-Nacks, Nick-Nacks. Yes, that's it. I have another job for you. (Cut to
Calculon: I understand. (Hangs up and walks in a trace. Cut back to the Robot Mafia's ship.)
Leela: You think it'll be that easy to take out Nixon? They'll be security there.
Donbot: We've taken care of that.
Morgan: With me. (Reveals herself.) I've made arrangements and Calculon will have no trouble sneaking in and
completing his mission.
Fry: Morgan, how could you do this? Also, is it too late for us?
Fry: I'm sorry, I'm starting to have second thoughts from the last time she and I made love.
Morgan: Yes, I still remember that.
Leela: Why would you turn your back on the President and your planet?
Morgan: It is quite simply, the Robot Mafia and Omicronians promised me a better position and huge amount of
money, once they take over. And to answer your question, that last time made me change my mind about us.
Fry: Ouch. Man, I sure know how to pick 'em. (Frowns.)
Leela: Don't blame your, it could've happened to anyone.
Chaz: You are right. (Reveals himself and Leela just gasps and her heart is broken.) Oh don't look so shocked, why
do you think your capture was so easy? I told you where Calculon was staying and I phoned ahead.
Fry: Why would you betray the president as well?
Chaz: For the same reason, and plus I get to have revenge on the humans who shun all mutants, forcing them to live
in the sewers to begin with.
Leela: Chaz, I can't believe...
Chaz: Leela, it doesn't have to be this way. Join us and I'll see that no harm befalls upon you. Together we can help
our mutant brothers and sisters and get them a chance on the surface. Your parents can finally walk on the surface
and see how successful you've been. So, what do you say? Will you join us...will you join me?
(Leela thinks about the offer, this would allow her parents to finally walk on the surface world, but a world under the
rule of the Omicronians.)
Leela: you can forget it. My parents wouldn't want me working for some scumbag like you.
(Chaz has an angry look on his face.)
Chaz: So, have it your way. In any event, Nixon is still going to die the second he reaches that podium and since you
two were his body guards, it just makes the job easier.
Fry: Don't bet on it, we got the best guy guarding him. (Cut to Nixon's election convention. We see Zoidberg
carrying Nixon's head, but accidently slams the jar into a wall.)
Nixon: Ouch, watch it you lobster. That's the fourth time you've done that.
Zoidberg: Sorry, I was just looking for the buffet table. (Cut to Calculon coming in from a back door that was
unlocked on purpose and he manages to fine a locker. He opens the locker and grabs a bag out of it. Inside the bag
are pieces to assemble a laser rifle. Cut back to the Robot Mafia's ship.)
Donbot: Now then, Lrrr what do you want us to do now?
Lrrr: Eliminate the two spies and make sure the plan succeeds.
Lrrr: Now, if you'll excuse me I need to see who's recently been eliminate from that island show. Transmission
over! (Hologram disappears and does the holograms of the Representatives.)
Donbot: Well, you heard what he said. Joey, Clamps, deal with them, while the rest of us leave assuming that these
spies will be dead.
Ironfinger: That's a good idea.
Jinx: That doesn't sound like a good idea.
Ironfinger: Pipe down Jinx. (Donbot, Ironfinger, Jinx, Morgan and Chaz leave as Joey and Clamps stay.)
Clamps: Oh I'm going to enjoy this. (Starts Clamping his hands and walks up to Fry and Leela.)
Fry: What do we do? They took away all of our gadgets, the only thing I have left is that spray can of gold paint the
Professor gave me.
Leela: Fry that is it. Try and get it out. (Fry manages to get the spray can out. Leela grabs it, shakes it and removes
the top with just one hand. As Clamps is about to Clamp them, Leela sprays gold paint right into Clamps's eyes.)
Clamps: I can't see, but I can still Clamp. (Tries to Clamp, but only clamps Leela's straps. She is free and jumps up
to karate kicks Clamps. Joey races to help, but he gets a side kick to the face for his troubles. Leela helps free Fry.)
Fry: Nice good, Leela.
Leela: Come on, we've got to get to that election convention. (Cut to Donbot and crew. The alarm goes off and they
see a monitor seeing Fry and Leela escaping from the room.)
Jinx: (sarcastically) Wow, look the prisoners escaped.
Ironfinger: That's enough out of you. Donbot, what will we do?
Donbot: Alright, alright, (points to Morgan and Jinx) you two dames take care of them.
Morgan: Alright, just let me fill out the papers for hench work before I go.
Jinx: You're a big stickler, do you know that? (Cut to Fry and Leela and that reach a fork in the hall.)
Leela: We'll need to split up to find the control room.
Fry: Alright, and Leela I'm sorry about...Chaz.
Leela: There's no time for that.
(They go their separate ways and as Fry goes down the hallway, he runs into Morgan.)
Morgan: Hello, Mr. Fry. It seems you escaped out of that predicament, but I'm giving you only one last chance in
Fry: I'm telling you the same thing I told my parents when they wanted me to join the army, "I'm busy in the toilet".
Morgan: (Looks at Fry in an awkward manner.) Fair enough, then I'll have to engage in lethal combat. (Stomps her
right foot and a knife sticks out of the tip of her shoe.)
Fry: Neat, how did you get a knife in your shoe?
Morgan: These shoes were on sale at Payless.
(Starts trying to cut Fry with her shoe, and she's so quick that Fry panics as he dodges the strikes. Cut to Leela and
she runs into Jinx.)
Jinx: Well Leela, looks like we're going at it again.
Leela: Don't mess with me, Jinx. I'm in a bad mood.
Jinx: Yeah, I know the whole Chaz thing. You think you're the only one who's had a bad relationship?
(They start fighting. They each are equally good. Cut back to Morgan and Fry. And Morgan's managed to cut Fry
on his left arm. The wound isn't deep, but a little blood drips out.)
Fry: (To himself) Come on, Fry. Just remember your martial arts training from this past Saturday's lesson. (Fry gets
cut on right shoulder. Fry backs up to a door that reads, "Trash Disposal Pod".)
Morgan: Goodbye, Mr. Fry. I'll be sure to sign your death certificate with your blood. (Charges, Fry quickly opens
the door and Morgan flies into the room. She lands on a pile of trash: robot oil cans, beer bottle and some old rotten
human food. Morgan tries to get up and is disgusted at being covered in filth. We can see Fry from a some window
on the door.)
Fry: It's filthy, dirty and disgusting in there. I guess you'll feel right at home.
(Fry notices an eject button and pushes it. The trash pod is detached from the ship and Morgan drifts into space. Cut
to Jinx and Leela. They are evenly matched.)
Jinx: You can't believe, how much I missed this. I was getting tired of us teaming up the last few times we met.
Leela: Oh I have a pretty good idea. (Trips Jinx with a karate kick, but Jinx quickly goes for a kick of her own and
Leela dodges that. Cut to the control room and Donbot and Ironfinger view the screen to see Trash Disposal Pod
Ironfinger: Curses, what will we do?
Donbot: Where the hell is Chaz? (Fry comes in and determined.)
Fry: Alright, freeze you both are busted.
Donbot: Ironfinger, take care of this skin-tube.
Ironfinger: What?! I don't fight.
Donbot: Well I don't either, and I remind you that you are working for me.
Ironfinger: Fine. (Mumbles angrily to himself as he pulls up his sleeves ready to fight.)
Fry: Well Ironfinger, it looks like it is between you and me. (They start punching each other and Ironfinger's fists
are harder since they are metal, but Fry's punches gives Ironfinger a few dents. Ironfinger backs up to the fire hose.
Ironfinger gets the glass and pulls out an axe.)
Ironfinger: Alright 014, it is time to axe you to die. (Takes a swing, but misses. Fry dodges and gets close to the
controls. Ironfinger tries again and hits the control. Ironfinger gets electrocuted and the computer reads, "System
Donbot: Ironfinger, you stupid fool, you short circuited the controls, the ship is going to crash back to Earth.
Ironfinger: Well, I'm leaving. (Drops the axe and runs. Donbot pushes a button and does down a secret chute. Fry
races out of the control run to find Leela. Cut to Leela and Jinx and they are still fighting. Ironfinger shows up.)
Ironfinger: Come on, Jinx, let's go. The ship is going to crash back to Earth.
Leela: (gasps) Fry!
Jinx: Looks like we will have to settle this some other time. (Ironfinger and Jinx exit as Fry shows up.)
Leela: Fry, where's Morgan and Chaz?
Fry: Morgan's taking out the garbage and I didn't find Chaz, but we better get out before this ship blows.
Leela: (Groans) For once, I wish the bad guys' headquarters didn't have to blow up. (They race to one of the escape
pods and manage to fly out safely as the ship heads for the Atlantic Ocean and the ship hits hard on the water. Next
Scene. Nixon's Election Convention. Only a few people are attending and Morbo's reporting.)
Morbo: Tonight, underdog Nixon tries for one last rally to gain votes for Election Day.
(Cut to the back room and Calculon has finished in completing the laser gun and he has a good shot on Nixon.
Through the scope he sees the podium for Nixon's Head and he pointing the laser right on the podium. We see
Zoidberg carrying Nixon on his way to the podium. Cut to Fry and Leela outside and they try to make a plan.)
Leela: Fry, you try and distract the press conference, I'm going to search the back rooms and try to find Calculon.
Fry: If you find him, can you get him to sign my T-shirts?
Leela: (Angered) Just go.
Fry: Right. (They split up and Fry enters main entrance. Zoidberg is about to place Nixon's head on the podium.)
Stop! Don't put down that head. (Zoidberg still holds on to Nixon.)
Nixon: What is the meaning of this? Where the hell have you been? Do you know how long I had to put up with this
lobster? (Cut to Calculon. He's at a lost, he's suppose to shot Nixon once he's on the podium, but Nixon isn't on
the podium. Chaz walks up behind him, along with the Representatives.)
Chaz: What are you waiting for? Just shoot him! (Just then Leela comes out of nowhere and Chaz and the
Representatives are ready to fight.)
Leela: I knew you'd come here.
Chaz: I'll stop at nothing to see that Nixon is out of office and once I become Calculon's aide I'll have many more
benefits. Get her! (The Representatives charge at Leela, but she's sidekicks the ROC. The ROO tries to use his
martial arts, but is outdone by Leela. Cut to Nixon and Fry.)
Nixon: Now look you, you're supposed to be on body guard duty. And as for you lobster, put me on the podium.
(Zoidberg does so and Calculon fires, Fry tries to stop the laser beam, but it hits Nixon. However, the beam hits his
jar and it bounces off not hurting Nixon.)
Fry: You...you're alright?
Nixon: Yes, my jar is laser proof. I'm the president of Earth. What do you think I'm stupid enough to be carried
around and be vulnerable to sniper attacks?
(Cut to Leela and she's pretty much beaten the hell out of Representatives. Chaz just looks scared as Leela walks
up and beats him up. She then races to Calculon and opens the back of his head and takes out the chip. Calculon
shakes his head and stops aiming the gun.)
Calculon: What?! What's going on?
Leela: It is okay Calculon, you are no longer under mind control. (Communicator turns on and we see a hologram
image of Lrrr.)
Lrrr: Where's Chaz? Has Calculon taken care of the president?
Leela: Sorry Lrrr, your conspiracy to assassinate the president failed. You shouldn't have had so many people
involved in this, it would've been better to use some nobody off the street.
Lrrr: I guess the idea of having many people involve in one assassination seems foolish, now that you think about it.
But none the less, we'll me again.
(Hologram disappears. Next Scene. Calculon is at a press conference and Nixon is beside him.)
Calculon: So it is with a heavy heart that I drop out of the election and recommend my supporters to vote for Nixon.
If there is one thing that I do know is that Hollywood has no business in politics.
Nixon: (Just to Calculon.) Good words, now can you please tell them to support my tax hike? (Zoidberg enters.)
Zoidberg: I love this medal of honor, thank you Mr. President.
(We see a newspaper headline that reads, "Nixon Wins By Landslide". Minor headline reads, "Trash Slut Found In
Space". Cut to Leela and Fry outside a prison seeing Chaz and the Representatives being taken in by guards.)
Chaz: This isn't over Leela, I'll be back.
Leela: Yeah, yeah...
Chaz: Come on Leela, what about what we had?
Leela: You may have a third nipple, but you lack one important aspect. (Fry, the Representatives and guards all go
"OOOH!" Chaz walks in the prison and the gates slam shut.)
Fry: Way to tell him off Leela.
Leela: Yeah well Nixon's won, Ironfinger and the Robot Mafia got away and the home planets of those
representatives are denying any involvement with the Omicronians.
Fry: Does Nixon believe them?
Leela: (Seems disappointed about something.) Let's just say we might be seeing some Freedom Missions in the
Fry: I hope you don't feel too disappointed about Chaz.
Leela: No, I suppose it wouldn't have worked out, anyway. So, want to get a smoothie?
Fry: Sure. (They leave.)
Hope you enjoyed this and I hope it was worth the wait.
THE FOLLOWING IS A PREVIEW
X-MAS IS COMING AND ROBOT SANTA HAS A BIG SURPRISE...