Futurama

Fan Fiction

Too Smart For His Own Good
By Dwayne Anderson

Thursday afternoon at Planet Express. Bender comes into the dining room carrying dinner.

"Meal time!" he says to his co-workers as he places it on the table. He lifts the lid off the tray to reveal cooked turnips and roast turkey.

Fry smells the aroma. "Smells good Bender."

Everyone dishes up.

"This is delicious Bender!" said Hermes. "You finally learned how to cook!"

"This is what all those hours of watching Elzar's cooking show were for," said Bender as he returns to the kitchen.

"I gave Bender the turnips," said Farnsworth. "I've been experimenting with them."

"What did you do?" asked Leela.

"I've been teaching the turnips to fly."

"How did the experiments turn out?" asked Fry.

"Not good. Turnips only fly down."

"So they must have been a complete disaster," said Leela.

"Not really," said Farnsworth, "but with the roast turkey, they are delicious."

"Any guesses as to why they never learned to fly?" asked Leela.

"I am a scientist!" said Farnsworth. "I do not make guesses! I can tell you exactly why they never flew!"

"And why is that?" asked Leela.

"It's because they're stupid!" said Farnsworth. "But I have been working on something more promising. I hope to win the Nobel Prize at tonight's science convention."

Suddenly, everyone hears Bender scream. He emerges from the kitchen, his apron and chef hat on fire.

"Quick, somebody throw the pitcher of water on me!" he cries as he frantically runs around.

Fry grabs the pitcher and throws it at Bender, dousing the flames after smashing.

"Fry you idiot!" said Farnsworth.

"I just did what he told me to," said Fry.

"When I said `throw the pitcher of water on me', I didn't mean the water and the pitcher too!" Bender said angrily.

Fry chuckles.

"Fry, go get some more water," said Farnsworth.

Fry stands and heads for the kitchen.


In the kitchen, Fry opens the fridge. Inside, he finds a jar of a fluid pink liquid.

Curiosity gets the better of Fry and he takes it out. Removing the lid, he takes a sip of this mysterious drink. He smiles in delight.

"Mmmm. Tastes like cotton candy!" he said to himself.

He drinks some more.


"Now then," said Farnsworth. "As I said earlier, I've been working on something more promising. It's a formula to repair damaged brain cells. One spoonful, and a total idiot becomes a genious with an above average IQ."

"That's amazing!" said Hermes.

"Who wants to see my newest creation?" asked Farnsworth.

"I do!" said everyone as they raised their right arm.

"Alright!" said Farnsworth. "Let's go to the kitchen."

Everyone stands and approaches the door to the kitchen. It opens automatically.

Inside, they find Fry, who sets down an empty jar onto the counter.

Farnsworth gasps.

"Man, that was delicious!" said Fry.

"Fry, what the hell have you done?!" said Farnsworth.

"I just chugged down your brain formula," said Fry.

"Fry, you idiot!" said Farnsworth. "That was my lastest creation! And now...!"

He stops. "Wait! How did you know what it was?"

"Because I'm a genious!" said Fry.

Farnsworth looks skeptical. So does everyone else.

"Let's take him into the lab," he said.


Farnsworth takes a sample of Fry's DNA and fills a vial with it. Then he dumps its contents into a tube connected to a machine.

The following words appear on the computer screen.

Subject Identified
Name: Phillip J. Fry
IQ: Off The Scale

Everyone looks quite surprised.

"Fry, I'm gonna ask you a few questions to test the reliability of the analysis."

"I'm ready Professor," said Fry.

"Who invented the telephone?" asked Farnsworth.

"Alexander Graham Bell."

"Who was the first president of the United States?"

"George Washington."

"What is one property of a right triangle?"

"The sum of the square root of any two sides is equal to the square root of the remaining side."

"What is the square root of 4,578,602?"

"2139.7668"

Farnsworth checks it on a calculator.

"Good lord!" he said. "He's right!"

Everyone gasps.

"The formula I created works even better than I imagined. When Fry drank the whole jar, it repaired all his damaged brain cells and added even more! He's now the world's smartest man!"

Everyone gasps again.

Farnsworth's face breaks out into a huge smile.

"This is it!" he said. "I'm sure to win the Nobel Prize for sure now!"

"With his newfound intelligence, Fry will become much more efficent and helpful around here," said Hermes.

"If I win the Nobel Prize," said Farnsworth, "I'll make Fry my new lab assistant."


That night, at the Science Academy, everyone is seated around tables. Farnsworth's turn finally comes after Wernstrom. Fry accompanies him.

"Ladies and gentlemen," he said, "I present to you the result of my newest creation, which of course is now in the stomach of this young man here."

"Tell us more professor," said the host.

"I invented a formula that can repair damaged brain cells," said Farnsworth. "However, my delivery boy here drank it all, and he's now the world's smartest man."

"Affirmitive," said Fry. "I cannot tell a lie. Everything I say or write is true."

Everyone oohs and ahhs.

"In fact, I'll tell you all that China is hiding nuclear missiles near the Great Wall of China."

Several reporters jot this information down on their notepads.

"Isn't this incredible?" asked Farnsworth. "Eat your heart out Wernstrom!"

Wernstrom frowns and growls.

"I am the smartest man alive," said Fry. "Not bad for someone who used to wet the bed so much, he had to sleep in long johns until he was twelve."

Fry suddenly realizes his mistake and covers his mouth with both hands. Too late, as everyone is already laughing.

"I think we have a winner!" said the host. "I present the Nobel Prize in Science to the ultimate genious here!"

Farnsworth looks excited.

"Congratulations genious," said the host as he placed the medallion around Fry's neck.

Farnsworth's smile fades. Everyone else cheers and applauds.

"Well," Wernstrom said to himself, "at least Farnsworth didn't get it."


Back at Planet Express, Fry is admiring his Nobel Prize.

"I don't understand," said Farnsworth. "I'm the one who created the formula. All you did was drink it."

"You're just jealous cause I'm smarter than you," said Fry.

"Well professor," said Hermes, "I guess now Fry is your new assistant."

"Screw that!" said Fry. "From now on, I'm in charge around here!"

"Fry, I'm the head of Planet Express!" said Farnsworth.

"All in favouring of appointing me, raise your hand," said Fry.

Everyone rose their left hand, except Farnsworth.

"Then it's done!" said Fry. "I shall take Farnsworth's place. From now on, his lab is mine."

"You can't do that!" said Farnsworth.

"My fellow co-workers have spoken," said Fry. "Farnsworth, you will be my assistant! Things will be different around here!"

"Oh yeah?!" said Farnsworth. "What about the last time you took over this company?!" (See "Futurestock" for details)

"Professor, Fry wasn't responsible for what almost happened," said Leela. "It was all the fault of that other guy."

"I'll say!" said Bender. "Whooooooooo!"

"Alright then," said Fry. "We start tomorrow. With me as your new leader, Planet Express shall thrive!"

Everyone cheers and applauds, except Farnsworth.

"I'll sue you for this Fry!" said Farnsworth angrily. "Maybe not today! Maybe not tomorrow! But as soon as I remember how to sue someone!"


The next morning, everyone arrives at Planet Express. Fry gets himself a cup of coffee and drinks while reading the morning paper in the Meeting Room.

Everyone notices that Fry is wearing the same suit he wore in "Futurestock".

"I've done it," he said. "I've changed the world. Weapon Inspectors have invaded China and discovered those missiles."

"We're proud of you Fry," said Leela. "Aren't we Farnsworth?"

"Yeah, right," Farnsworth mutters.

Fry notices that Leela is wearing. "Don't tell me you're wearing that to work Leela," he said.

"I've always worn this at Planet Express," said Leela.

"Well you'll have you know I've found you a new uniform."

"What's wrong with what I'm wearing?"

"It's too revealing," said Fry. "It will distract your male co-workers. If workers are distracted, they get less done!"

He hands her a small rectangular box. "Here is your new uniform. Get changed immediately or you're out of a job!"

"Fine then" Leela grumbles as she takes the box and heads for the locker room.

Bender opens his compartment, takes out a beer bottle and begins to drink.

Fry snatches it away. "No alcohol allowed!" he said. "Either quit drinking or else!"

"I fail to see the threat," said Bender as he lights a cigar.

"No smoking!" said Fry as he confiscated it.

Amy puts a wad of gum into her mouth and begins to chew. She blows a bubble that bursts.

"Spit out that gum now!" said Fry.

"But..."

"I will not tolerate gum chewing in my company!" said Fry as he gets up and walks over to Amy. He smacks her on the back of the head, forcing the gum to come out of her mouth.

"Empty your pockets as well!" Fry demands.

Amy does as she is told. Once done, there are some more pieces of gum, candy, lipstick and mascara.

"I will not tolerate candy or make-up," said Fry. "Are you trying to get fired?! You may only chew gum or candy outside the building! Don't bring them to work anymore!"

"Um, no sir, I mean yes sir, uh sorry sir," said Amy as Fry confiscates her candy and make-up.

Leela comes back in, dressed in the same suit she wore in "Futurestock".

"That's better," said Fry. "Everyone else, get changed into your suits! Then get to work!"


Later, in his lab, Fry sat at the computer.

"What a way to start my reign," he said. "But there are bigger fish to fry. First I'm gonna update my portfolio. Then I'll have to reprogram the robot to make it more effiecent."

Farnsworth meanwhile was grumbling to himself as he swept the floor.


In his office, Hermes was filing some papers into the appropriate drawer. Leela, Amy, and Bender were working on the ship. Zoidberg was in the clinic. Everyone is wearing the suit they work in "Futurestock".

Suddenly, Fry's voice was heard over the intercom.

"Bender! Report to my lab at once!"

"Keep your shorts on already!" said Bender. "I'm coming!"


Later, Bender entered the lab. "You asked to see me Fry?"

Fry approaches Bender, holding a disk.

"What are you doing?" asked Bender.

"Turn around," said Fry. "It's time to become more effiecent, thanks to this program I've just designed myself."

"Oh no!" said Bender. "Anything but that!"

"You were warned!" Fry said as he grabbed Bender. He turned him around, pulled out Bender's original disk from the back of his head, and inserted the new disk.

Bender stands up straight.

"I am Bender, version 2.1," he said.

Fry smiles. "Sometimes I amaze myself."

"Bender has performed an illegal operation and will now shut-down."

"What the?!"

Bender shuts down.

Fry frowns. "Stupid robot! It seems I'll have to make changes to that program!"


In the Meeting Room, the rest of the crew is taking a coffee break.

"Fry's changed," said Hermes. "He's not the same guy anymore."

"We know," said Zoidberg. "But he just wants to make this company better than ever. Maybe it's for the best."

"Where's Bender?" asked Leela. "He should be here by now."

"I think he's still at the lab," said Hermes.

The door opens. In comes Fry.

"What the hell is this?!" he said. "Why are you all doing nothing?!"

"We're having a coffee break," said Hermes.

"In my company, breaks only lead to less getting done! No more coffee breaks! Ever!"

"What?!" cries everyone.

"Get back to work! Now! Or I'll find some new employees who I can rely on to get the job done!"

He storms out.

"Maybe making Fry our new boss wasn't such a good idea after all," said Zoidberg.

"For once Zoidberg," said Hermes, "we agree with you."


Fry enters the living room, only to see Amy talking on the Vid-Phone with Kif.

"Hey!" he said. "No talking to boyfriends during work!"

"Can't I have just one more minute?" asked Amy.

"Boomstick!"

"Alright! I'll get off!"

Fry storms off.

"Sorry Kif," said Amy. "I've gotta go. I'll talk to you later."


Back in the lab, Fry is making changes to the program he designed to reprogram Bender with.

Farnsworth finishes sweeping the floor under the table, but bang his head, knocking down a beaker. It smashes on the floor.

"I'm surrounded by imcompetants!" Fry said angrily to himself. "If you break one more thing, you're gone! Terminated!"

"Sorry sir," said Farnsworth as he begins to clean up the mess of broken glass.


Later, Fry inserts the disk containing his new and improved program into Bender.

Bender comes back to life.

"I am Bender, version 2.2"

"That's better," said Fry.


"I've never worked so hard in my life," Amy said. "I'm sweating!"

"Me too!" said Leela. "I've just about had enough of the way Fry runs this company!"

"I have an idea!" said Zoidberg.

"What?" asked Amy, Leela, and Hermes.

"Let's go on strike!" said Zoidberg. "We'll demand that Fry changes the way he runs this company. Until he does, we won't work!"

"Zoidberg, that's a great idea!" said Hermes.

"What would you guys do without me?" asked Zoidberg.

Nobody spoke.

Zoidberg looked pleased with himself.


Later, Fry checks his watch.

"Time to close up for the day," he said.

He turned off the computer, stood from his chair, and walked out the lab.


As he went outside to lock up the building, he caught sight of his employees marching around carrying signs and shouting "No more work, Fry is a jerk!"

"What the hell is going on here?!" he said.

"We're on strike," said Zoidberg.

"Is that what you've been doing for the last few hours?! I don't pay you for this! You all still owe me a few hours! Get back in or I'll start issuing pink slips!"

"Fry, we've had enough!" said Farnsworth. "You way you run Planet Express has gone too far! I'm taking my company back!"

Fry only smiles. "Go ahead, bring it on Baldy!"

"What did you just call me sonny?"

"You heard me Baldy! What are you? Stupid?! I guess so!"

"If I had never created that formula," said Farnsworth, "you would still be a delivery boy!"

"But you did. And now I'm smart, much smarter than you Hubert! Everything I say is the truth!"

Bender comes outside. "What is your command boss?"

The others were shocked.

"Oh no!" said Leela. "Fry has reprogrammed Bender!"

"That's Bender version 2.2!" said Bender.

"You could all learn a thing or two from your new robotic co-worker!" said Fry. "You all need to change too!"

"We're fine the way we are," said Amy.

"I'll be the judge of that you slut!"

"What?!" asked Amy.

"Amy, it is true," said Leela. "You were always picking up men, then dumping them, at least until you settled on Kif."

She turned to face Fry. "You've changed Fry. You're not the same man Phillip J. Fry we know and love."

"Oh really," said Fry. "What are you gonna do about it one-eye?"

Leela gasped.

"Fry, this has gone far enough," said Farnsworth. "This company is rightfully mine!"

"You're not just wrong professor," said Fry, "but compared to me, you're stupid."

"Now wait just one minute...!" said Farnsworth.

"And you're ugly, just like Leela's parents."

"Did you just call my parents ugly?!" asked Leela.

"He's right," said Amy. "That's what they are."

Leela glares at Amy.

"Bender, get these people back to work!" said Fry. "They still owe me a few hours!"

"Yes sir! Alright everyone, you heard the man! Get back inside or..."

Bender suddenly stops. "Bender has performed an illegal operation and will now shut down."

"Not again!" said Fry.

Bender shuts down.

"Oh brother!" said Fry. "I'm getting a headache! I need to lie down!"

He goes back inside the building.

"Somehow, we've got to get this company back under my control!" said Farnsworth. "I made Fry into what he is and I can take him back!"

"How?" asked Leela.

"It's real easy. The answer is alcohol! It destroys brain cells! All we need to do is get Fry to drink alot of it, and he'll be back to normal!"

"How are we gonna get him to do that?" asked Hermes.

Farnsworth takes a small vial out of his pocket.

"I snuck this out of the lab when Fry wasn't looking," he said. "It's a sleeping potion. We'll put him to sleep, then inject alcohol into his brain!"

"Where are we gonna get some alcohol?" asked Leela.

"Beer!" said Farnsworth.


"Somebody bring me my coffee!" said Fry as he lay on the couch.

"Coming up sir," said Farnsworth.

He inserted three dollars into the coffee machine. When the coffee filled up the mug, Farnsworth poured in the sleeping potion. Everyone else tried to hide their laughter. They failed.

"What's so funny?!" Fry shouts.

"Nothing sir," said Farnsworth as he comes into the living room. He hands Fry the mug of coffee.

"About time!" said Fry as he snatched it away. Then in less than two seconds, he slammed it's contents down his throat until he could see the bottom.

"I'm getting sleepy," he said as he began to doze off. Then he went out like a light.

Meanwhile, Leela inserted Bender's old disk into the slot on the back of his head.

Bender comes back to life.

"Somebody get me a beer! And don't piss me off!"

"Sorry Bender," said Leela. "For now, we need you to loan us some of your beer."

"Are you nuts?!" Bender said. "If anybody touches my beer, I'll kill them!"

"Do you want the old Fry back or not?!"

"After what he put me through?! Alright already!"


Zoidberg fills a syringe with beer and holds it over Fry. Then he injects it into the back of Fry's head.

"Finally, someone will appreciate my work!" he said.

"Now what?" asked Hermes.

"We wait," said Farnsworth. "The effects of the sleeping potion wear off a few minutes after it is consumed."

"So what do we do now?" asked Bender.

"Take a well deserved coffee break!" said Farnsworth.

Everyone cheers.


In the Meeting Room, everyone is drinking coffee with extra cream, except for Bender who is drinking beer, and Amy who is chewing bubble gum. Everyone has already changed back into their regular clothes.

Suddenly, the door opens. In staggers Fry, drunk.

"Hey Fry," said Bender, "feeling more like yourself now?"

"Fry?" asked Fry. "Who's Fry?"

"Why it's you," said Farnsworth. "You work here as a delivery boy. Remember?"

"Ok for sures on dat!" said Fry. "Even though I don'ts know whatz your tolking about, I always muck sure I gits the joob done effishingly!"

Everyone is shocked.

"Good grief!" said Farnsworth. "Fry's become a total idiot!"

"I guess injecting alcohol into his brain wasn't such a good idea," said Zoidberg.

"Well, at least he's no longer in any condition to run this company," said Farnsworth. "But apparently this idea worked too well. Now we've reduced Fry to a bumbling idiot!"

"Who are you guys?" asked Fry.

"We're your co-workers," said Hermes. "Don't tell us you forgot that as well!"

"What's a co-worker?" asked Fry.

"I can't believe how stupid you've become!" said Farnsworth.

"Stupid is as stupid does," said Fry.

"Fry, don't you even know who we are?" asked Leela.

"Who are you?" asked Fry.

"I'm Leela, captain of the Planet Express ship."

"A what?" asked Fry.

"Fry, who am I?" asked Leela. "Surely you must know something?"

"Guh?"

"Have you really lost your mind?" asked Leela.

"You thaid it you weirdo!"

"Good lord!" said Farnsworth. "He can't even speak properly!"

"Professor, you must have some of that formula left!" said Leela. "We have to restore Fry to his normal self!"

"As a matter of fact, I have been making more just like Fry asked me to earlier. He said if we all drank enough, we'd become more efficient."

"Where?" asked Leela.

"In my lab!"


In Farnsworth's lab, Farnsworth opens a small jar containing a fluid pink liquid. He dipped a small spoon inside.

"Open wide Fry," he said.

Fry opened his mouth, allowing the spoon full of Farnsworth's brain formula. He swallowed.

"Yum!" he said. "Tastes like cotton candy!"

"Now let's begin the test," said Farnsworth. "You start Leela."

"What's your full name?" asked Leela.

"Phillip J. Fry," said Fry.

"Who are we?" asked Amy.

"Amy, Hermes, Leela, Bender, Zoidberg, some old fart..."

Farnworth shoved another spoonful of his brain formula into Fry's mouth.

"Farnsworth," said Fry.

"What's my full name?" asked Farnsworth.

"Hubert Farnsworth."

"What's my clone's name?"

"Cubert."

"What's my first name?" asked Leela.

"Beats me," said Fry.

"Down the hatch," said Farnsworth as he shoved another spoonful of his brain formula down Fry's throat.

"Turanga," said Fry.

"Who's the jerk captain of DOOP?" asked Leela.

"Brannigan."

"His first name?"

"I dunno."

Another spoonful of the brain formula is put into his mouth.

"Zapp!" said Fry.

"What's my boyfriend's name?" asked Amy.

"Kif Kroker."

"What's the name of my son and wife?" asked Hermes.

"Labarbara and Dwight."

"What species am I?" asked Leela.

"Mutant."

"What planet am I from?" asked Zoidberg.

"Decapodian 10."

"In what year did you graduate from college?" asked Leela.

"I never graduated from college."

"Where did you originally come from?" asked Hermes.

"Twentieth century."

"What's my favorite slogan?" asked Bender.

"Bite my shiny metal ass."

"What's the square root of 2,056,403?" asked Farnsworth.

Everyone was silent.

"I dunno," said Fry.

"Yes!" cheered Leela. "He's back!"

Everyone else cheers, except Fry.

"What just happened here?" he asked.

"Long story," said Farnsworth.

"Hey," said Fry, "what's this medallion around my neck?"

He lifted it up for him to see.

"The Nobel Prize? How did I get this?"

"Long story," said Farnsworth.

Fry removes the medallion from around his neck and gives it to Farnsworth.

"Here professor," he said. "You deserve this more than I do, whatever you did to earn it."

With a smile, Farnsworth places the medallion around his neck. "Finally!" he said. "I've won the Nobel Prize!"

"It's good to have you back Fry," said Zoidberg.

Everyone agreed.

"Yeah," said Bender. "Even if you did used to wet the bed until you were twelve!"

Everyone started laughing, except Fry, who looked puzzled.

"What?" he asked.

 

The End

Buddies