Note: All copyrights belong to their respective owners and for better or worse, I am not one of them. This story was made as an accolade and good-hearted joshing of the fiction it was based on. It was written without any intent to make money, so if you own said copyrights, please do not sue.
UNTOLD ADVENTURES by Silvertide
Opening sequence: Theme song starts and opening plays out. The subtitle under "Futurama" reads, "Fry, I am your father... not! Ha ha, Just Kidding!"
On the little cartoon ad: Scene from "The Empire Strikes Back" where Darth Vader reveals he is Luke Skywalker's father, Vader is shown at the moment he tells Luke the truth, then Luke's horrified reaction is shown on the little screen.
(Long shot of the Planet Express building with Zoidberg shown walking on the sidewalk, then zooming into a close-up of Zoidberg walking inside. The camera follows behind him as he walks into a room where Fry, Leela, and Bender are sitting on a sofa watching a TV in front of them.)
Zoidberg: Good news everyone I-
(Fry, Leela and Bender are still watching TV, acting as if they didn't even hear him.)
Zoidberg (screaming): I said, good news everyone, I-
(Still ignoring Zoidberg)
Zoidberg (screaming again): Damn you all! I said-
(Professor Farnsworth excitedly enters the room.)
Professor Farnsworth (speaking at normal speaking voice): Good news everyone! I have just received a shipping order to yet another hostile planet likely to lead to a life or death adventure!
(Fry, Leela and Bender turn their heads, then stand up.)
Leela: What? We have to go fly a package to yet another far away, dangerous alien world deep in outer space?
Fry: What kind of life or death adventure will we get? A space shoot out with giant space slugs? Climbing tall, red-hot space volcanoes? Or will we have to deal with the greatest space menace of all: being terminally spaced out from space sickness?
Bender (while sitting back down on the sofa): Whatever it is, you meatbags can do it without me. (drinks from a can of robot beer.)
(Zoidberg steps in front of the Professor waving his hands/claws around hysterically.)
Zoidberg: What! What! What! What is wrong with you people?!? I say "Good news everyone!", screaming- and nobody pays attention to me! Why? Why? Why must I get no respect around-
(Leela steps in between Zoidberg and the Professor.)
Leela: Professor, I have been bored out of my mind all afternoon. What do you need us to do?
Zoidberg: Hey! I was talking here, I-
Leela: Can you quiet it down Zoidberg? I'm asking the professor something and it is rude to interrupt.
Zoidberg: But you interrupted me when-
Leela: So what do we have to deliver?
Zoidberg (sadly muttering to himself as he leaves the room): Nobody respects me...
Professor: We have to deliver this- (holds up a box with the words "Planet Express Extra Express-Sized Express Pizza" printed on it.) to the planet known as... (he pauses as camera zooms into a very close front view of Farnsworth's face.) ...Life Or Death Adventure Planet.
(Leela and Fry gasp dramatically. Then Bender burps and tosses a beer can over his shoulder.)
Leela: Everyone who goes there is guaranteed to go through a life or death adventure! Going there would be a suicide mission!
Fry: We have to deliver a pizza? Aw man... I'm going to be a pizza boy again. This is so lame.
Leela: Wait a minute, we're going to deliver a Planet Express brand pizza? I didn't know we even made pizza.
Professor: Oh, we used to, but we had very few customers because of our ridiculously exorbitant prices. Or was it because they could only be ordered by delivery to alien worlds? Anyway, the only customers for our pizza were from Life Or Death Adventure Planet.
Leela: Well if that's the case, how come we never heard about this before? We never delivered to Life Or Death Adventure Planet before.
Professor: Every crew I ever sent there never came back alive. I once received an order sometime after you guys first started working here, but I decided not to send you. I had to tell our customer we didn't sell pizzas anymore.
Leela: Oh, so you were afraid you would lose us too?
Professor: Actually I was afraid you guys wouldn't have delivered in time before something killed all of you. If this pizza doesn't make it to the customer in 30 hours, it's free. I obviously have much more confidence in your abilities now.
Fry: Well, of course we can deliver it there in time... but does it have to be a pizza?
Professor: Yes it does! We'll be delivering it to a former long-time customer who really likes our pizzas. All of you managed to survive many exciting life or death adventures, so you guys have a good chance of being the first crew to make it back alive.
Leela: You can count on us Professor. C'mon Fry, we have a pizza to deliver.
(Fry groans in disappointment as he walks toward the door with Leela.)
Professor: Oh, don't forget to bring Bender. He always does something really stupid to get all of you into a life or death adventure no matter how safe the mission.
Fry: That's right, we always bring Bender along, that's how we end up in cool exciting space adventures.
Bender: I'm low on energy. I have to sit here and recharge. (opens a can of "Robot Fuel Beer" and gulps down some alcohol.)
Leela: You have to come with us Bender. What if we get caught in a life or death adventure where we needed your... bending skills?
Bender: My drinking skills are needed here. (drinks more beer.)
Fry: Dammit Bender! Get off your ass and on the ship!
Bender: Like I told Leela, my alcohol drinking skills are needed for refueling. (drinks more beer from his can, then throws the empty container away over his shoulder to a pile of empty cans behind him.) You guys wouldn't want me to suffer from low energy levels, would you? (Bender pulls out a six-pack of beer, opens all the cans, then drinks from all of them at the same time.)
Leela: You can refuel on the Planet Express spaceship.
Bender: I'd rather do it here in front of the TV.
Fry: We can move the TV into the ship.
Bender: I'd still rather do it here.
Fry (in whiny voice): Come on Bender!
Bender: You ain't making me go. (throws empty six-pack of beer over his shoulder, and pulls out two more six-packs, opens all the cans, and then somehow drinks them all at the same time.)
(A new scene begins in a small office. Scruffy the janitor is sitting behind a desk reading a magazine titled, "Professional Slacker Janitor Monthly". Zoidberg comes stomping into the room, the door slams shut behind him.)
Zoidberg (angry): What is wrong with those people?!? Why won't they give me any respect?!?!
Scruffy (lazily looking up from his magazine): Huh?
Zoidberg (still angry): They make me so angr- oh. Scruffy. I didn't know you were in here. Am I bothering you with my disgruntled rants of- hey! Aren't you suppose to be cleaning up my office right now?
Scruffy (nodding head): Uh-huh.
Zoidberg: Did you finish already?
Scruffy (shaking his head): Uh-uh.
Zoidberg: What?!? You were supposed to do that today!
Scruffy (nods, then shrugs his shoulders): Uh-huh.
Zoidberg: What kind of janitor are you?!? You do nothing but sit around reading!
Scruffy (goes back to reading his magazine): Uh-huh
Zoidberg: Argh! They disrespect me, you disrespect me! What do I have to do to get any respect around here?!?
(Scruffy keeps reading his magazine without saying anything.)
Zoidberg: I said, what do I have to do to get any respect around here?!?
Scruffy (looking up at Zoidberg): Hm?
Zoidberg: Scruffy, you are the most popular guy in this company, right?
Scruffy (nodding): Uh-huh.
Zoidberg: Besides your great conversation skills and rugged good looks, how do you manage to get respect around here just being the janitor?
(With his graying, scruffy hair and vacant stare, Scruffy the janitor sinks into his chair and leans forward with his hand on his chin making a pose that looks like Rodin's "The Thinker". A few seconds pass before he sits back up and opens his mouth to speak.)
Zoidberg (speaks up before Scruffy says anything): I know! I will prove my worth to the others by going with the crew on their next delivery mission. I, John Zoidberg, am tired of the constant disrespect and lonely isolation! With me helping them, they will respect me once they see how brave, useful and important I am! Then I can finally have the respect and social status I deserve!
Scruffy (stares blankly at Zoidberg): Uh-huh.
Zoidberg: Scruffy, you are a genius! I don't know where you get so many great ideas. I would hug you now if you were not so infested with human cooties.
(Zoidberg rushes out of the room as Scruffy goes back to reading.)
(Scene changes back to the room with Fry, Leela, the Professor and Bender still arguing.)
Leela: Let's go Bender, I think you've refueled enough already.
Bender: No! Right now I am dangerously under-energized. (camera zooms out and shows that the rest of the room is full of empty beer cans)
Fry: In the ten minutes we've been arguing, you've drunk enough beer to fill an elephant!
Bender: No I haven't. Stop Exaggerating. (holds up a whole keg of beer, and pours some beer straight down into his mouth) Why do you guys want me to go so badly anyway? I'm always the one who screws things up anyway.
Professor: This mission needs at least three crew members, I've never had a two-person crew even survive long enough to deliver our "Planet Express Extra Express-Sized Express Pizza" to a customer on Life Or Death Adventure Planet.
Fry (happy): So I don't have to be a pizza boy again if Bender won't go?
Professor: Well, I'd have to cancel the delivery.
Fry (sits back down in front of the TV next to Bender, leans back and relaxes): Need some company Bender?
Bender: Sure, just don't get in the way of my beer binge- er, I mean desperately needed refueling.
(The door bursts open and Zoidberg comes in.)
Zoidberg: Okay everyone, shut up and listen!
Leela (ignoring Zoidberg): What's it going to take to convince you to go with us on the delivery? We've already tried to bribe you with beer, money, sexually permissive female robots and-
Zoidberg (stepping in between Bender and Leela): I said shut up!
Professor: Go away Zoidberg, can't you see we're busy making pointless arguments with Bender right now?
Zoidberg: I am sick and tired of being disrespected around here!
Bender: Wow, crab meat here just grew a backbone... and a whinier mouth too.
Fry: Bender's right, Zoidberg does seem a little more... um, less like a loser.
Leela: You're right, look at his bolder posture and the uncharacteristic confidence in his tone of-
Zoidberg: Be quiet! I am talking now. After receiving brilliant advice from Scruffy, I decided that I want- no, I demand- to be with the crew on the next mission. You will all give me more respect after I prove my usefulness and bravery on the next delivery mission.
Professor: Actually, that's a good idea, the crew would have a better chance of survival on Life Or Death Adventure Planet with our company doctor on board.
Zoidberg (suddenly scared): What!?! The next mission is to Life Or Death Adventure Planet?!? You might as well kill us now so you would actually have something to bury! Don't you care about our lives? Don't you care about keeping our genitalia attached to our bodies? Or how much some of us hate feeling physical pain? Going to that forsaken world would be a suicide miss-
Fry: Wait, ah, Zoidberg, what was that about keeping genitalia attached to our bodies?
Professor: Oh, don't worry about that Fry, just try not to breathe in too deeply while you are exposed to the planet's atmosphere and you won't have to worry about anything falling off... unless something tries to bite you, cut you with something or if you are unlucky enough to be poisoned by one of 87,212 varieties of lethal, venomous, invisible microscopic germs that permeate the atmosphere.
Zoidberg (not looking scared anymore): Wait, if I go and help you guys survive the mission, I would be a hero!
Fry: No you wouldn't. Just forget about going so the Professor won't make me to be a pizza boy again.
Zoidberg: Yes! I will go with you guys to Life Or Death Adventure Planet, earn the respect of my peers, and stop being a sad, pathetic loser!
Professor: Then it's settled. You, Fry and Leela will leave right away!
Bender: Good, now the meat bags can go with whiny mouth and leave me alone.
Fry: Aw nuts.
Leela: Okay Fry, let's get going, we have to deliver this pizza in less than 30 hours. You sure you're not coming Bender?
Bender (drinking from a giant keg of beer): Glug. Glug. Glug. Glug. Glug.
Zoidberg: Goodbye Bender, I will make sure that I do a good job of replacing you as the lovable rapscallion on this mission.
Bender (suddenly stops drinking): What!?!?
Zoidberg: You heard me you alcoholic rust-bucket! I will be the one loved by everyone despite annoying misconduct and doing orgies of dirty deeds. I will finally be... the bad boy on the good guy's team! (head pulls back laughing a crabby and very cough-filled laugh of triumph) Ha ha ha ha ha- cough! -cough! Ha ha- cough! Ha ha ha!
Bender (standing up): Hey... nobody can replace me like that! I have a unique position in this company and not just anybody can fill it!
Zoidberg: You can't fill the role if you're not there!
Bender (walks up to Zoidberg): And what if I was there? (shoves Zoidberg)
Zoidberg (looks scared at first, but then looks confident again and pushes back): I can still fill it for you!
(As Zoidberg and Bender give each other ugly stares, Fry, Leela and the Professor gather together.)
Leela: Zoidberg must be really fed up with getting disrespected, just look at him go!
Fry: I thought crabs didn't have backbones.
Professor: If I sent four instead of three, the chances of success would increase dramatically. Oh boy! I'll be able to use the money from this delivery to buy myself more mad scientist equipment.
Fry: What are you going to do with the extra lab equipment professor? Build the ultimate doomsday weapon? Create an abomination of nature? Find the cure for baldness?
Professor: Oh, nothing frivolous like that. I intend to find faster ways to download illegal copies of my favorite TV shows from the Internet. That way I'll have more time to do trivial things like cure space sickness or build giant robots that combine together to become even bigger giant robots.
Leela: It'd be nice have a cure for space sickness. The thought of being terminally spaced out from that terrifies every starship captain in the galaxy.
Bender: I think I'll go on this mission. (drinks some beer) With me going, you can stay, we don't need more than three.
Zoidberg: Oh, but what if somebody needs the company doctor to look after them? Why don't you stay, we can use these (pulls out a pair of wrenches with the words, "Hand-Operated Bending Tool" printed on them) in case we need to bend anything, Bender.
Bender: Well if we need a doctor I have this (opens his chest to reveal a first aid kit), so just crawl back into your office, Crabby.
Professor: Stop bickering you two, both of you can go.
Bender and Zoidberg: No!
Leela (grabs Bender's antenna and Zoidberg's collar): Come on, let's get going, we have less than 30 hours to deliver this pizza. (drags the two to the door)
Bender: Hey, let go! That antenna is private property!
Zoidberg: So the klepto doesn't like it when other people touches his private property. Maybe if you'd keep your fingers off of other people's-
Leela (walking out the door and going off-screen): Shut up! Both of you! What has gotten into you Zoid- Hey Fry, you have the pizza right?
Fry (disappointed tone of voice): Yes. (gets the box of pizza from the Professor)
Professor: Goodbye, good luck, and remember to get the pizza to the customer without dying first!
(Scene begins with Amy standing inside the Planet Express building, near the front entrance as Hermes walks into the scene.)
Hermes: What are you doing here? I thought you had the day off.
Amy: I do, I'm just waiting for Kif.
Hermes: Why would he meet you here if it's your day off?
Amy: Oh, Zapp wouldn't let Kif get the day off for our date if I didn't agree to meet him here.
Hermes: Why is that?
Amy: Gluh, I don't know. Maybe he wants to use it as an excuse to see Leela. Anyway, Kif should be here any minute now.
(The professor walks by.)
Professor: Hermes, did you check up on the life insurance policies like I asked you to?
Hermes: Oh yes mon. Everything is in order for Fry, Leela and Zoidberg. We don't have a warranty for Bender, but I put him under our space ship's "Deadly Adventure" insurance as a "sass-mouth" vending machine.
Amy: What are you guys talking about?
Professor: Oh Amy... I didn't realize you were here. Isn't it your day off today?
Amy: Yeah, but I'm waiting for Kif.
Professor: Kif? Oh yes, that blonde-haired man who is always trying to sleep with Leela.
Amy: That's Zapp! Kif is cute, bald, and green. Not square-jawed, manly, and flirty like Zapp Brannigan.
Professor: Ah, that's right... they're not even the same species, how could I get them confused?.
(The doorbell rings. Hermes opens the front door and sees Zapp Brannigan.)
Zapp: Is Amy, that cute Martian girl, ready for the date?
Professor: Oh hello Kif! Here for your date with Amy?
Amy: That's Zapp, not Kif! (pulls away Zapp revealing Kif, who was standing behind him) Kif!
Kif: Amy! (hugs and kisses Amy) Are you all ready to go?
Amy: Yeah! But why did Zapp make me wait for you here?
Kif: I don't know, he wouldn't say. Probably to see Leela I guess.
Professor: Well, Leela just went on a deadly mission to deliver a pizza. Looks like you're out of luck Zapp.
Zapp (has a suspicious look in his eye, and doesn't seem disappointed to hear Leela is not here): Right... I came here to see Leela... Excuse me, but is there a bathroom around here I can use?
Hermes: Oh yeah mon. It's right over here, just follow me. (leaves scene with Zapp)
Kif: Amy, let's get going before Zapp comes back. I don't want him following us around like last time.
Amy: You mean when he went with us to that lion-taming class because he had nothing better to do on his day off?
Kif: That date was a disaster, and I can't look at a lion the same way again after watching a man trying to seduce one.
Amy: It was a guy lion too! That was gross. (Kif and Amy walk out the front door)
(Scene changes to Hermes showing Zapp the bathroom in another part of the Planet Express building.)
Hermes: Now don't flush more than you need to mon. That water costs money you know! (leaves the scene)
Zapp: Yeah, yeah. Whatever. (checks to see if Hermes is out of sight, then he sneaks off to a room next to the bathroom labeled "Janitorial Closet")
(Zapp is in an office, with Scruffy sitting behind a desk reading a thick textbook labeled, "Making Mustaches Look Scruffy, Made Easy".)
Scruffy (looking up from his book): Can I help you stranger?
Zapp: It's you! (pulls out a piece of paper from his shirt pocket and begins speaking very seriously) I don't know how to say this, but you...
Zapp: You... you...
Scruffy: Well, don't just stand there, spit it out...
Zapp: You are my father!
Scruffy: Your father? That's... not possible. I have no kids.
Zapp: Oh yeah? (shows him the piece of paper in his hand) Then how come my birth certificate has your full legal name on it as... my father!
Scruffy (his right eye quivers as a tear tries to stream out, but with a superhuman effort, the tear is forced back in and his eye stops shaking): I have no son.
Zapp: Liar! The woman at the adoption center told me you'd lie about this. She said you were once the biggest bastard maker this side of the galaxy.
Scruffy: Uh... (looks suspiciously nervous) She must be lying. I have no kids.
Zapp: More lies! You did a good job covering up all that baby-making, but I have more than this piece of paper to prove the truth. The woman at the agency showed me hundreds of certificates with your name on them! And then there's this, (takes out a photograph of a man who looks like Zapp Brannigan but with brown hair and wearing a futuristic version of an "Indiana Jones" outfit) a photograph of you taken when you dropped me off at the adoption agency.
Scruffy (looking really, really nervous): Uh... that doesn't even look like me.
Zapp: Of course it doesn't! This picture was from decades ago when you were still a sexy specimen of manhood, years before you let yourself get old and out of shape. Come on, please. Don't insult my manly intellect. Admit it. You're my fa-
Scruffy: Shut up and get out. I have no children.
Zapp: Look, all I-
Scruffy (yelling): Get Out!
Zapp: But I-
Scruffy: I said-
(The door bursts open and the Professor comes into the room.)
Professor: What is going on in here? I was in the bathroom and I heard screaming. Kif, aren't you supposed to be on a date with Amy?
Zapp: My name is not Kif, and I'm busy talking to my father here, so could you please give us some privacy?
Scruffy: I have no son. I have no kids. Get out.
Professor: What?!? You're Scruffy's son?
Zapp: Yes, and if you-
Scruffy: I have no son, get out.
Zapp: Come on, just hear me out before you keep lying, I-
(The door bursts open again as Hermes Conrad rushes into the room, breathing hard and out of breath.)
Hermes (huffing and puffing): I- (huff) I- (puff)
Professor: What is it Hermes?
(Hermes points to the door and rushes outside as everyone follows him. The scene changes to the Planet Express kitchen with the Professor, Zapp, Scruffy and Hermes entering the room.)
Hermes: I- I-
Professor: What is it? Why wouldn't you say anything on the way here?
Hermes (nervously pointing at a corner of the room): Look- Look over there!
(Everyone looks over at the corner and sees a small mouse nibbling at the corner of a slice of bread.)
Zapp: It is only a common household rodent. What's the problem? Not man enough to take care of a little mouse?
Scruffy: I'll take care of it. After I finish reading this article. (pulls out a magazine, opens it, and looks at the centerfold poster in the middle.)
Zapp: Hey, is that the winter edition... wait, that ravishing beauty you're looking at looks familiar...
Professor: Why did you bring us out here, Hermes? It's just a mouse.
Zapp: Yes, I met that one last year on a mission to Plutarkian 8, she was the most beautiful four-armed alien female I had ever met. I see good taste runs in the family.
Scruffy: Are you still here? Go away, you're not my son!
Hermes: That's no ordinary mouse!
Professor: No ordinary mouse?
(The mouse in the corner stops nibbling and stares at the piece of bread. It throws a slice of cheese on top of the bread as red beams shoot out of its eyes melting the cheese.)
Professor: Oh no! Supermice!
Scruffy (looking up from magazine): Hm... I think I'll take care of that after I'm done with the whole magazine.
Hermes: No! Take care of it now! Janitorial work is your job, so clean up that deadly rodent.
Professor: How could we have supermice? I used up a whole box of super-powered rat poison last week, that should have taken care of any super-powered vermin.
Hermes (taking box out of a cabinet): Did you use this, mon?
Professor: Why yes I did, I used super-powered rat poison.
Hermes: Mon, I hate to break it to you, but this stuff's not poison. (holds up the box to the Professor, the label on the box reads: "Super Power Powder! Now With Free Rat Poison!")
Zapp: You idiot! You misread the label! And here we all thought you were supposed to be smart.
Professor: It appears I used the "Super Power Powder" instead of the bag of free rat poison. (takes out rat poison from the box) Oh well. I'll just use the right bag this time and...
(The Professor pours the poison on the mouse, but it keeps eating the bread with melted cheese.)
Zapp: Super-powered vermin need super-powered poison, ordinary pest control won't work on it now.
Hermes: How do you know so much about pest control? You're a starship captain, not an exterminator.
Zapp: Hey, that's just common sense. (pulls out blaster weapon) Now everybody stand back while I take care of this. Obviously no one else here is man enough to take on a mouse.
(Zapp shoots at the mouse, the blaster beam makes a small explosion at the corner of the room, and smoke rises out of the corner, blotting out whatever is left of the mouse.)
Zapp: There. Problem solved.
Professor: Problem solved? You idiot, look again.
(Zapp looks at the corner where the mouse is standing upright and looking out of a small hole in the floor.)
Hermes: Sweet bars of Mars! It has developed invulnerability!
Scuffy: Hm... if anybody needs me, I'll be in my office. (tries to sneak away)
Professor: Stop, Scruffy! Go get rid of that mouse right now!
Scruffy: Uh... Scruffy is uh, to old to take on super-powered vermin.
Zapp: Nonsense, pops! When you were my age you took on dozens of Zembizian Space Battalions with nothing more than a leather whip in one hand and a hot dame in the other. One little supermouse is nothing.
Scruffy: If it's so easy, you take care of it. I'm leaving.
Hermes: What sort of nonsense is coming out of your mouth, Brannagan? Scruffy's not an adventurer, he's just a janitor. And why are you calling him pops?
Zapp: The man you call Scruffy is my father.
Zapp: Look here on my birth certificate, it says so right here that I am the fruit of his loins. (shows Hermes his birth certificate)
Hermes: Sweet mice of dice! It's true, it has Scruffy's full legal name printed right here. Why didn't you ever tell us you had a son, Scruffy?
Scruffy (thinking silently to himself): Damn. They're on to me. Anne Marie over at the agency broke her promise to keep those records secret. I can't admit the truth, if I do all those kids I dropped off at that adoption agency will come looking for back child support payments. Then they'll want attention from their daddy. That would really take away from my slacking off time so I'd better keep denying.
Professor: Well? What do you have to say for yourself you lousy bastard maker?
Scruffy: I have no kids, this man is lying.
Hermes: Well if Scuffy says it isn't true, it isn't true.
Professor: You heard Scruffy, stop lying about being his son.
Zapp: What?!? But I have evidence right here! (holds up birth certificate)
Scruffy: You better quit this business of pretending to be my son, nobody's believing you.
Zapp: Aw come on pops, just hear me out for-
Hermes: Oh my lord! Look over there! (pointing to kitchen corner)
Professor; What is- Oh no! Bad news everyone, look over there!
(Everyone looks at the corner and sees dozens of mice crawling out of the hole in the floor that Zapp made with his blaster. Some begin flying around the room, others cut open the refrigerator with red beams shooting out of their eyes, and more keep coming out of the hole in the kitchen floor.)
Hermes: What are we going to do now?
Professor: Don't panic. I'll call Fry and Leela so- Oh no!
Zapp: What is it?
Professor: I sent Fry Leela and Bender on a mission earlier today, and they won't be back until tomorrow!
Zapp: Oh I'm sure we can handle a few lousy rodents. Sure, they have superpowers, but us men can handle a couple of mice.
(Cuts to scene where everyone is running out of the kitchen with dozens of flying, eyebeam shooting mice chasing after them.)
Zapp (while running): What are you guys waiting for? Stop running like little boys and go take care of those mice.
Hermes (running in front of Zapp): You go deal with them! You're the D.O.O.P. spaceship captain who's been trained to- (dodges eyebeam blast) -fight off dangerous aliens.
Zapp (running and dodging eyebeams): Oh, I insist. You do it. I'll let you guys be the heroes for once.
Professor (ducks and a tossed pan flies over him): What are we going do? I'm a senile mad scientist, Hermes is a desk jockey, and Scruffy's just a janitor.
Hermes: Yeah mon. We usually leave the adventuring to Fry, Leela and Bender. They're the heroes, we're just the management.
Zapp (ducks as an eyebeam shoots at him): Well, it looks like I'll have to take care of this myself. (pulls out his blaster, turns around and gives the flying supermice a stern look)
The Supermice (flying toward Zapp): Squeak! Squeak!
Zapp (loses his nerve, turns around and screams in a high pitched girlish voice): Aaaahhh! (runs away with everyone else)
(The Professor, Hermes, Scruffy and Zapp run into Scruffy's office, with red eyebeams firing behind them. Scruffy and Zapp barricade the door with some big file cabinets while Hermes and the Professor freak out.)
Professor (freaking out): We're trapped! We're trapped! We're trapped like- like-
Hermes (also freaking out): Like rats?
Professor and Hermes (hugging each other and looking scared): We're trapped like rats!
Zapp: Nobody fear, I have the situation well under control.
Hermes: You have a plan to deal with those supermice?
Zapp: No, but I will after I think one up using my virile manly brain.
(Scene fades out with Zapp standing in front of the barricaded door with his hand on his chin, intensely thinking of a way to deal with the super powered mice. The scene fades back to the four still trapped, and with Zapp still intently staring at the door.)
Hermes: It's been over 3 hours now! Haven't you thought of a plan yet?
Zapp: Wait... I think my manly brain just thought of something!
Zapp: Why am I the only thinking of a plan? (turns to the Professor) You're the genius around here, don't you have a plan?
Professor: I can't think of brilliant plans while I'm paralyzed with fear!
Hermes: What happened to using your manly brain, Brannigan?
Zapp: It's still working on it. (goes back to intensely thinking of a plan)
Hermes: Dammit mon! Leela and Fry always think of ways to get out of situations like this. Top management like us should be able to do the same.
Professor: I'd think of something if I were not so horribly terrified right now.
Zapp: Pops, why don't you think of something? You used to be an adventurer in your younger years.
Scruffy: I ain't your daddy. How many times do I have to tell you?
Zapp: C'mon pops, admit it.
Hermes: Stop picking on Scruffy! Come on Professor, we can think of something. What would Fry and Leela think of us if they found out we couldn't take care of a few rats?
Professor: They might lose all respect for us.
Hermes: That's right! So we're counting on you to use your mad scientist genius to get us out of this.
Professor: I'm more afraid of those mice than of Fry and Leela losing respect for us.
Zapp: Hold on, we've been here for hours, hasn't anybody noticed us missing?
Hermes: Oh, the kids are off on a camping trip with my wife LaBarbara. They won't be back until the day after tomorrow.
Professor: What about Amy and the green fellow?
Zapp: Whenever I give my crew vacation time they wait for me to call them back, for some reason they hate working for me. They won't be coming to the rescue anytime soon.
(Scene quickly cuts to a flashback on an alien world where Zapp is leading a team of D.O.O.P. space exploration officers in the middle of a thick jungle. They cut down some vines and find a dark cave with man-sized bones scattered around it.)
Officer 1: Captain, I think we should go another way. Look at all the bones on the floor here.
Zapp: So what?
Officer 1: There might be some sort of vicious animal nearby. Look, all the bones lead to that cave over there.
Officer 2: Look at all that red stuff around the entrance.
Zapp: Hmm... what we're looking for might be inside.
Officer 1: Sir, with all due respect, I don't think the space whales we've been assigned to look for are in a cave in the middle of dry land.
Officer 3: Why are we looking for an aquatic animal on dry land anyway?
Officer 2: My scanning instruments indicate that many blood-thirsty space monsters might be waiting inside.
Zapp: Well, go inside anyway, just in case there is something worthwhile inside.
Officer 1: But sir, it looks dangerous.
Zapp: What are you waiting for? Go inside.
Officer 1 (sighs as he pulls out his blaster weapon and goes inside the cave): Yes sir. (A few seconds after he goes in, he screams, and sounds of weapon being fired are heard. The roars of vicious animals are heard as the officer's screams are cut short.)
Zapp (yelling into the cave): Did you find anything? Hello? Did you hear me?
(The remaining officers look at each other nervously.)
Zapp: (still yelling into the cave): Answer me! That's an order!
(The remaining officers start to look scared.)
Zapp (turning to the other officers and looks at Officer 2 and 3): You two, go down there and bring back that man so I can court marshal him for insubordination.
(Officer 2 and 3 nervously pull out their weapons and go into the cave. Again, screams and blaster sounds are heard. Again, the roars of unseen beasts are heard as the screams are cut short.)
Zapp: Well, it looks like there no space whales in there. Let's go look some place else.
(Cutting back to the four men trapped in Scruffy's office.)
Hermes: Looks like it's up to us to save ourselves.
Professor: We can wait for the crew to return, they should be back tomorrow.
Zapp: Where did you send them?
Professor: Life Or Death Adventure Planet.
Zapp (looking worried): Lodap? You sent them to Lodap?!? Damn. Now I'll never get to sleep with Leela again.
Professor: What are you talking about? What's Lodap?
Zapp: It's what us D.O.O.P. Captains call "Life Or Death Adventure Planet". How could you send Leela there? That's a suicide mission.
Professor: Oh I'm sure they'll make it back alive, they face deadly adventures all the time.
Hermes: Then why did you ask me to make sure their company life insurance policies were in order?
Professor: You can never be too careful.
Zapp: My manly brain is having trouble coming up with a plan over here, I think I'll use it over there, (points toward where Scruffy is reading a magazine) where I might have better luck. (walks over to Scruffy)
Hermes: Like your "manly" brain actually exists. Come on Professor, we can think of a way to take care of those mice.
Professor: I don't know, I am a little preoccupied with being petrified with fear.
Zapp: Pops, can I have a word with you?
Scruffy: Stop calling me that and let me finish my reading.
Zapp (pulling Scruffy to a part of the office farthest away from Hermes and the Professor): Please, just hear me out and I'll leave you alone. There is something I desperately need to say to my natural father.
Scruffy: I'm not your daddy, but okay.
Zapp: (turns his back to Hermes and the Professor and whispers): We're all going to die! (begins crying on Scruffy's shoulder)
Zapp (while sobbing like a big baby): Waiting to get rescued by Leela and Fry was my plan, and the Professor sent them on a suicide mission! Wah!!!! (cries some more)
Scruffy: Damn. Now you're getting Scruffy's shoulder all wet.
Zapp (choking back tears): Before I die daddy- (sob) I want to- (sob) I want to tell you about my life- (sob)
Scruffy: Crying won't make me your daddy.
Zapp (lifting his head off of Scruffy's shoulder and drying his tears): I- (sob) want you to know- (sob) that even though you weren't there to raise me- (sob) I grew up to be a man that- (sob) you would be proud to call a son. (sob)
Scruffy: I don't want to hear your life story.
Zapp: Well, (sob) I'll tell it to you anyway, (drying tears) this is the last chance I'll get to tell you before those mice outside slaughter us like- like- things that are easily slaughtered.
Scruffy: Fine. I'll just ignore you. (starts reading a dictionary)
Zapp: I was at adopted when I was a little baby by the famed spaceship Captain, William S. Brannigan...
(Scene changes to a flashback of the command center of a spaceship with a man who looks like actor William Shatner, sitting on the Captain's chair. Many other uniformed officers on the bridge are occupied with running the ship as an attractive young woman walks over to the William Shatner look-a-like.)
Zapp (voice over): My foster father was the brilliant Captain of the D.O.O.P. Endeavor, a legendary space ship that explored the final frontiers of humankind. He was a cultured gentleman of refinement and elegant manhood.
William S. Brannigan (slapping the young woman's rear end): Beautiful. Simply beautiful, and so firm. All the attributes of a hot mama.
Woman: William! Not on the bridge. I have some good news for you.
William S. Brannigan: What is it, Lieutenant Arahu?
Arahu: Your son is here.
(A young Zapp Brannigan of about seven years of age comes onto the Endeavor command center and runs up to William. S. Brannigan, giving him a hug.)
Young Zapp (hugging Captain Brannigan): Papa!
William S. Brannigan (hugging Zapp): Zapp, son.
Zapp (voice over): My foster father taught me everything I know about being the captain of a starship.
(The young Zapp grabs Lieutenant Arahu's rear end.)
Young Zapp: Beautiful. Simply beautiful, and so firm. All the attributes of a warm mama.
William S. Brannigan: That's hot mama, Zapp.
Arahu: How cute! He's just like you William.
William S. Brannigan: Yes, he takes after me just like I take after my father, famous starship Captain Patrick S. Brannigan.
(William S. Brannigan points to a photograph on the wall of a man sitting in a chair. The man looks an awful lot like actor Patrick Stewart.)
William S. Brannigan: Of course, I wasn't the leader of a gang of super-powered mutant rebels.
(William S. Brannigan points to another photograph on the wall to the right of the first picture. It shows Patrick S. Brannigan surrounded by people who look an awful lot like characters from the X-Men movies.)
William S. Brannigan: And I never fought the famed space pirate archeologist, Scruffy beard.
(William S. Brannigan points to yet another photograph on the wall to the right of the second picture. It shows a man with a big brown, ragged beard who looks an awful lot like an adult Zapp Brannigan but with brown hair, wearing a futuristic version of an "Indiana Jones" outfit.)
William S. Brannigan: He's the master of the whip and he's known as the biggest bastard maker this side of the galaxy. I would have that title if I weren't so sterile.
Young Zapp: Papa, is this the right way to hold a standard-issue D.O.O.P. blaster? (accidentally fires a blaster while holding it wrong)
William S. Brannigan: No, you hold it like this. (takes the blaster out of young Zapp's hand and shoots a crewman working at a control console, in the foot)
Crewman: Ow! Captain Brannigan! I'm under attack!
Arahu: Relax, the Captain is just showing his son Zapp how to use a blaster.
Crewman: Oh okay, I'll just check myself into the infirmary.
(The flashback scene returns to the four men trapped in Scruffy's office.)
Professor: Good news everyone! Hermes and I have a plan to defeat those mice and save ourselves!
Zapp: Hey, you interrupted my recount of my life story, this might be the last time- wait, did you say you have a plan that does not involve waiting for Leela and Fry to save us?
Hermes: Yes! The Professor proposes that we each use our own special skills and work together to fight off those terrifying mice.
Zapp: Our special skills?
Professor: Yes! After I over came my petrifying fear, I remembered that I kept these in Scruffy's office (shows a about a handful of small robots, each about a foot high), using these prototype combat robots, we can fight our way to the kitchen. Once we're there, Hermes can use his Olympic limbo skills to get past-
Zapp: Wait, how can those toy robots fight off those indestructible mice? And what use are limboing skills against heat vision eyebeams?
Hermes: I will be wearing anti-heat shin and knee pads with heavy duty boots. We found some unused protective gear in Scuffy's closet.
Professor: And these robots are built with anti-super power weapons. Prototype Farnsworthatrons! Merge and form to become a bigger robot! (the handful of small robots change shape and combine to form a bigger robot about two and a half feet tall) I built them as part of my hobby of building robots that transform and combine to form bigger robots. Of course, I hope someday to build larger versions of these prototypes.
Zapp: What will we do once we get to the kitchen?
Professor: Once there, we will use Scruffy's industrial strength vacuum cleaner to suck up the mice. Hermes will sneak past the mice and plug it in once we make it there.
Hermes: It's designed with a heat resistant dust holder so the mice won't be able to cut through.
Zapp: So we'll use the Professor's robots to fight our way to the kitchen, Hermes can sneak his way past the mice there with his limbo skills, and we'll use the janitor's vacuum to catch the mice. What am I supposed to do?
Professor: Well we need to get all the mice into the kitchen, so you'll lure them there.
Zapp: But don't you want me to battle them with my amazing skills as a D.O.O.P. officer?
Hermes: Your blaster is useless, and the rest of us will be busy in the kitchen helping Scruffy operate his vacuum.
Zapp: (sigh) Well it beats waiting to die.
(Hermes and Scruffy unbarricade the door as the Professor's robot goes out and fights the mice. It holds them off as Scruffy and Hermes carry the industrial strength vacuum cleaner to the kitchen. The Professor orders the robot around while Zapp whimpers and tries not to get killed. They get to the kitchen, Hermes limbos to the electrical plug with an extension cord attached to the vacuum cleaner. After it gets plugged in, the three suck up the mice while the robot protects them from getting hit by heat vision eyebeam and Zapp lures the more mice to the kitchen. After dodging many attacks with heat vision eyebeams from the flying mice, they manage to suck them all up into the vacuum.)
Zapp (with singed hair and sooty clothes): Is that the last of them?
Professor: Yes I believe so.
Hermes: And we thought we couldn't do it without Fry and Leela. Us top management can handle ourselves.
Scruffy: Damn, they put a hole in my book. (holds up a book with a hole in it)
Hermes: Um guys...
Hermes: Turn around.
(Everyone turns around and they see a gigantic mouse the size of a small dog.)
Scruffy: I ain't cleaning that up.
Hermes: I don't think we can fit this one in the vacuum.
Zapp: I'll take care of this (takes out blaster)
Professor: Be careful, it might be super-powered
(The giant mouse fires red eyebeams out of its eyes hitting Zapp's gun. The blaster crumbles to dust.)
Zapp: Gentlemen, I think we're in trouble.
(The giant mouse turns around and whips everyone with its tail.)
Hermes: Ow! That hurts (starts backing away)
Professor: Ach! Please stop that! I'm an elderly- (gets hit again) ow! (backs away from the giant mouse)
Zapp: Okay, so blasters don't work, I'll just wrestle you instead.
(The giant mouse whips Zapp on the head, knocking him down. Then it starts whipping at the other three and they back away into a corner.)
Professor: We're trapped (looking away from the giant mouse)
Hermes: We're doomed! Doomed! (looking away from the giant mouse)
Zapp: Hah! I'm still conscious. (The giant mouse knocks him down again and holds him down with its foot) Okay, you win, I give up.
Giant Mouse: Squeak! Squeak!
Zapp, Hermes and the Professor: We're all gonna die!
(Scruffy quickly leaps out from the corner and grabs the extension cord connected to the vacuum and unplugs it. The mouse turns to face him as Scruffy unplugs the cord from the wall. With the giant mouse staring him down, Scruffy whips the over-sized rodent with the cord. Scruffy lashes at the creature with the extension cord like a certain archeologist from the Indiana Jones movies. Zapp looks on with surprise as Scruffy manages to continue whipping the mouse and then finally tying it up with the extension cord. Zapp looks on at Scruffy with his mouth wide open as Scruffy goes back to the corner and pretends to cower in fear.)
Professor (still looking away): Hey, why aren't we dead yet?
Hermes (looking up and seeing the mouse tied up with Zapp standing in the middle of the kitchen with a surprised look in his face): Zapp! You did it! Professor, Scruffy, look!
(Everyone looks up and sees that the mouse is defeated.)
Professor: You did it my boy! Good work.
Scruffy: This still doesn't make you my son, but good job.
Zapp: But I- I-
(Scruffy frowns at Zapp and nods his head.)
Zapp: Uh, yes. I managed to defeat the rodent while you were all cowering in fear.
Hermes: Thank you so much! You saved our lives, and I always thought you were an incompetent boob.
Professor: We all owe you a great debt, but I have to ask everyone to keep this little adventure of ours a secret.
Zapp: Why? This victory makes me look good.
Professor: For three hours, the top management of the company was cowering in fear from mice! We'd lose all respect from the other employees if they found out.
Hermes: Good point mon. Are the rest of you willing to keep this secret?
Scruffy: Scruffy won't talk.
Professor: Hermes and I will be the ones that look bad, so we won't say anything.
Zapp: What? You expect me to lie about this?
Hermes: Come on, the Professor and I will be embarrassed if the others found out.
Zapp: You have to give me a better reason than that.
Scruffy: Let me handle this.
(Scruffy pulls Zapp away from the others so that they can't hear what he will say to him.)
Scruffy: We both know you saw what you saw, and you have to keep everything that happened today secret for the Professor and Hemes.
Zapp: But why do you want to keep your abilities secret?
Scruffy: For the same reasons I can't admit I'm your daddy.
Zapp: So you admit it!
Scruffy: Now I'm telling you, if you let them know what really happened with that giant mouse or tell people I'm your daddy again, I'm gonna break your ass with my shoe. Got that?
Zapp: You're threatening me?
Scruffy: You're nothing. You couldn't even handle that giant mouse, what are your chances against me?
Zapp: Point taken. Okay, but just tell me one thing: Why do you want to pretend to have no kids? I just wanted to know more about where I came from, is that so wrong?
Scruffy: And have all of them come to me begging for attention and back child-support payments? That would take me away from my reading time.
Zapp: I see. You're more selfish than I am.
Scruffy: Now keep you mouth quiet or I'll break it.
(The two return to the others.)
Zapp: All right. I'll keep your secret.
Hermes: What did you say to him Scruffy?
Scruffy: It's a secret.
(The next day after Zapp left and after everything was cleaned up, the Planet Express crew return from their mission. The Professor and Hermes greet them in the docking area. Fry, Leela, Bender and Zoidberg walk out of the ship safe and sound.)
Fry: Wow! I can't believe we survived all those adventures!
Professor: Did you deliver the pizza?
Leela: Oh yeah. We even got a big tip.
Bender: You should have seen Zoidberg! Wow, he was like, so cool. He saved our lives so many times. I have so much respect for him now, I don't even want to pick his pockets.
Zoidberg: Yes! I have finally earned everyone's respect!
Hermes: Really? What did he do?
Fry: Oh, he did so many things, so much happened to us!
Leela: Yeah, we'll have to tell you about it someday.
Professor: Tell us now!
Hermes: Maybe if we hear about it, we'll respect Zoidberg too.
Zoidberg: Oh joy! More respect! (takes out a bottle of wine) This calls for a celebration! (opens the bottle of wine but accidentally spills some on Fry's shirt) Oops.
Fry: Zoidberg! This shirt is dry clean only, now- now my shirt's ruined! That was so stupid that I lost all respect for you.
Leela: I don't care how many times you saved out lives anymore after seeing you do something so dumb.
Bender: I too have lost all respect for you. (picks Zoidbergs pockets and steals his wallet)
Zoidberg: (Screaming) No! (Sad) Yes. That was stupid, I have even lost respect for myself.
Professor: Well I had no respect for him coming in, so tell us what happened.
Fry: I don't want to. You do it Leela.
Leela: Bender, tell them what happened. Now that I don't respect Zoidberg again I don't even want to think about all those times he heroically saved our lives.
Bender (drinking beer): I'd rather buy more booze with the money I just stole from him. (leaves the docking area)
Zoidberg (crying): How could I have screwed it all up? How? How?
Hermes: Well what happened Zoidberg?
Zoidberg: Thinking about what happened after losing so much respect right now makes me sad. I'll be in my office if anyone needs me. (leaves the docking area crying)
Fry: So did anything happen while we were gone?
Professor and Hermes: No.