Fan Fiction

Which Witch is Which?
By Dwayne Anderson

It was Halloween night. Planet Express was all decorated for the holiday. Fake and real spiderwebs with fake or real spiders were everywhere. Paper bats were hung on the roof. Carved jack-o-lanterns sat on the table and near the front door.

The crew of Planet Express had already come back from Trick-or-Treating. Leela and Amy were witches with pointy hats and black dresses (much like the wicked witch in Anthology of Interest II), Fry was a knight, Hermes was a carved pumpkin, Zoidberg was naked, Bender was Robin Hood, and Farnsworth was Count Dracula.

Right now, the crew was seated around the round table.

Farnsworth: Good news everyone! We got us a new employee! And here she is! Allow me to present your newest co-worker!

A black haired woman dressed as a witch flies in on a broom and sits down near Leela.

Farnsworth: This is Helga, your new co-worker. So what do you think?

No one talks. Leela then interupts.

Leela: I think she's a witch!

Farnsworth: She's already in costume and so are you!

Bender: There's no such thing as witches. You can bite my shiny metal ass!

Leela continues to stare at Helga.

Helga: What are you staring at?

Leela: Helga, are you a witch?

Fry: Yeah, are you?

Helga: No I'm not a witch!

Fry: Then how do you explain that wart, hat, and that dress?

Helga: I'm from Canada.

Fry: I think she's a witch.

Helga suddenly rises to her feet.

Helga: How dare you say that?! Now you'll pay!

She begins waving her hands casting a spell.

Eyes of newt,
Tongue of dog,
Turn this boy,
Into a frog!

She blasts Fry with lightning. There's a poof of smoke. When it clears, Fry has been transformed into a frog. She sits down again.

Leela: She turned him into a frog!

Farnsworth: Did you say something Leela?

Leela: Professor! Helga's a real witch!

Farnsworth: Turanga Leela! You know there's no such thing as witches! So why would you call Wanda a witch?

Leela: Well look at the way she's dressed! She just turned Fry into a frog, and she brought dinner!

Farnsworth: How considerate of her. She brought dinner!

Leela: In a cauldron?!

Helga (to Bender): So robot, would you like to take me to the Halloween Dance?

Bender: Lady, I ain't that desparate!

Helga: Then feel my wrath!

She stands and casts another spell.

Boney skeletons,
So dark and silly,
Turn this robot,
Into a bowl of chili!

She blasts Bender with Lightning. There's another poof of smoke. It disappears. Where Bender sat, is a bowl of chili. Helga sits down again.

Leela: See that chili?!

Farnsworth: What now Leela?

Leela: Helga is a witch!

Helga: I am not!

Leela: Then explain how you turned Bender into a bowl of chili!

Helga: How do you know Bender wasn't already a bowl of chili when he got here?!

Hermes: She has a point!

Leela: Why don't you just admit you're a witch?!

Helga: Look who's talking! We got two more witches in here!

Leela: True, but me and Amy can't turn people into frogs or bowls of chili!

Helga is furious. She stands again.

No need for rain,
No need for snow,
To shut this girl up,
Let the west winds blow!

As she chants that last line, the winds begin to blow and Leela is blasted with lightning, sending her flying across the room, banging against the wall.

Helga sits down.

Farnsworth: My goodness! I had better get Scruffy to check on the air conditioning!

Leela is exaggerated now. She stands.

Leela: Professor! It isn't the air conditioning! Why isn't anyone listening to me?! Helga is a witch!

Farnsworth: Leela! No one else here thinks Helga's a witch!

Leela: Why won't you people listen to me?! Helga's a witch!

Farnsworth: Helga, could you go get Scruffy? I want him to check out the air conditioning.

Helga: Yes professor!

She climbs onto her broomstick and flies out the window.

Leela runs to the window.

Leela: Did you see that! She's a witch! I'm telling you, Helga's a witch!

Leela is suddenly blasted with lightning, turning her into a monkey.

Leela: Now do you believe she's a witch?

Farnsworth shrugs.

Farnsworth: Could be a storm brewing!

Leela: No!

Leela looks around. She's in bed.

Leela: Phew! It was a bad dream! What a nightmare! I don't think I'll ever get back to sleep!

Leela rests her head down on the pillow and falls asleep again.


The End