3acv04: The Luck of the Fryrish
From The Neutral Planet
[Opening Credits. Caption: Broadcast Simultaneously One Year In The Future.]
[Scene: (Old New York; The Past) Brooklyn Pre-Med Junior Hospital. Fry's mom is in labour in a delivery room. His dad sits in the corner reading Cold Warrior magazine.]
Doctor: Push, Mrs. Fry. You're almost there.
Mr. Fry: You can do it, honey! Squeeze one out for America.
[He goes back to reading his magazine.]
Mrs. Fry: (shouting) Hey, keep it down! It's the 9th inning.
[She holds a portable radio to her ear.]
Commentator: [on radio] Here's the 02 pitch to Craypool. He's taking all the way for a called strike three!
Mrs. Fry: Swing the bat, you bum!
[The doctor lifts up a baby and it cries.]
Doctor: It's a boy. And look at that red hair!
Mr. Fry: You sayin' my son's a commie?
Commentator: [on radio] And Groady leans into the pitch. It hits him! The Mets win!
[Mrs. Fry cheers.]
Mrs. Fry: This is the happiest day of my life!
[The doctor puts the baby on her lap.]
Doctor: Here's your baby, ma'am.
Mrs. Fry: Yeah, OK, thanks.
Mr. Fry: So, what should we name him?
Mrs. Fry: Uh, you pick. I picked dinner last night.
Mr. Fry: Well, I was thinking of Philip. After those screwdrivers?
Mrs. Fry: That's a fantastic idea. More morphine, please.
[Scene: Hospital Nursery. Mr. Fry puts Philip in a bed and introduces his brother to him.]
Mr. Fry: Look, Yancy, it's your baby brother, Philip.
Yancy: I wanna be named Philip! Me Philip! Me Philip!
Mr. Fry: Son, your name is Yancy, just like me and my grandfather and so on. All the way back to minuteman Yancy Fry, who blasted commies in the American Revolution. [Yancy salutes. Mr. Fry attaches a mobile to Philip's bed. It has planets and a spaceship on it.] Philip, until I find a suitable model of an ICBM, you'll have to make do learnin' to fear this toy spacecraft.
[He turns the mobile on and leaves. Philip laughs as the mobile turns around. Yancy snatches away the rocket.]
Yancy: Mine! Mine!
[Philip cries. Yancy throws the rocket through the open window.]
[Fade to: (The Present (i.e. The Future)) The Planet Express ship flies down to Earth and lands in the car park outside Flushing Downs.]
[Scene: Flushing Downs Grandstand. The horse race starts and the staff stand up and cheer.]
Fry: (shouting) C'mon!
Hermes: (shouting) Baby needs a new pair of shoes!
Zoidberg: To hell with your spoiled baby! I need those shoes!
[The horses cross the finish line.]
Announcer: [on loudspeaker] And it's a dead heat! They're checking the electron microscope. And the winner is ... [A man holds up a "3" in a window.] ... number 3, in a quantum finish.
Farnsworth: No fair! You changed the outcome by measuring it.
[He tears up his slip. Fry looks through some binoculars.]
Leela: How'd you do, Fry?
Fry: I'll tell you when my horse finishes ... bad.
[Cut to: Flushing Downs Luxury Box. Mr. and Mrs. Wong and Amy stand talking in the box while a classy orchestra plays for them.]
Mr. Wong: In today's field we own four horses and two jockeys.
Mrs. Wong: We just put our best jockey out to stud, Amy. He's perfect for you!
[The tiny jockey strolls up behind Amy.]
Jockey: Hey, baby! Ever do it in a suitcase?
[Cut to: Flushing Downs Grandstand.]
Bender: Ooh! Look! It's the Centaur race.
[The bell rings and the Centaurs run around the track, horsewhipping themselves as they go. Fry crosses his fingers.]
Fry: Come on! Come on! Hey, Leela, how about a kiss for good luck? [Leela sighs and reluctantly kisses him on the cheek.] I meant tongue luck.
[The Centaurs cross the finish line.]
Announcer: [on loudspeaker] And the winner is number four -- Steven.
Fry: I am so unlucky! I've run over black cats that were luckier than me.
[Scene: Flushing Downs Horse d'Oeuvres Outlet.]
Vendor: (shouting) Get your piping-hot horse burgers, horse fries, horse cake and shakes. We got tongue straight from the horse's mouth.
Hermes: It all sounds good.
Vendor: All our horses are 100% horse-fed for that double-horse juiced-in goodness.
Leela: I'll have the cholesterol-free omelette with horse beaters.
Vendor: And you, sir, how can I horse you?
Hermes: I'll have a horse coke.
Vendor: Horse Pepsi OK?
[Scene: Flushing Downs Stables. Bender sneaks in disguised as a horse, casually whistling. He injects a horse with Comatonin. It yawns and Bender chuckles.]
Jockey: Hey! What are you doing?
[He injects the jockey and he falls over asleep.]
[Scene: Flushing Downs Grandstand. Bender is back with the others. Fry prays.]
Fry: Dear Horse God, I know I don't usually pray to you. Sometimes I doubt you even exist. But if you're willing to grant me luck, please, stamp your hoof once. [The bell rings and only one horse leaves the box. The other horses stumble out tiredly. Bender chuckles.] Come on, number six! Move it! [Number six yawns and sits down.] Don't do that! What are you-- [He yawns.] Man, it's contagious!
[The one horse that started the race gallops over the finish line.]
Announcer: [on loudspeaker] And the winner is Harry Trotter by the entire racetrack.
[Bender's slip flashes. He has won $2500. He cheers.]
Bender: That'll teach those other horses to take drugs!
[Fry tears up his slip.]
Fry: That's it! You can only take my money for so long before you take it all, and I say enough. [He reaches into his shirt.] I've got one dollar left, and this one I'm holding on to! [A sudden gust of wind takes the dollar from his hand.] Oh, no you don't! [The dollar falls into a Slurm machine and comes back out and flies away again. It comes to rest on an overhead wire. Fry climbs the pole.] I may not know much about horses but I know a lot about doing anything for one dollar! [He reaches over to the dollar but it is out of reach. He climbs down the pole and returns with a rake.] If you think bad luck can defeat me then you don't know my name is Philip J.--
[He reaches over to the wire with the rake but it electrocutes him. He pulls the rake away and breathes a sigh of relief. Then he gets struck by lightning and falls.]
[Cut to: Outside Flushing Downs. Fry has landed upside-down in a dustbin and is smoking from the lightning strike. The Horse d'Oeuvres vendor comes out through a door carrying a bucket of horse leftovers.]
Vendor: That is one unlucky guy!
[He pours the bucket over Fry and leaves.]
[Fade to: (The Past) Basketball Court. Fry dribbles the ball where Yancy can't get to it.]
Fry: Kareem's got the sky hook but Philip J. Fry's got the space hook!
[He throws the ball but it bounces off the hoop. Yancy chases after it and dribbles it back.]
Yancy: Yancy drives; he goes up with his patented space hook!
[He throws the ball and it goes through the hoop.]
Fry: Hey! That's my patented space hook! You stole it!
Yancy: You're not the president of it!
[He points at the ball and Fry runs to get it. He looks across at the grass next to him and sees a seven-leaf clover. He picks it up.]
Fry: Holy camolie! A seven-leaf clover!
Yancy: (shouting; mocking) I'm dying of old age!
[Fry tucks the clover into his sweatband and dribbles the ball back onto the court. He shoots, Yancy jumps to get the ball but misses and the ball goes through the hoop. Fry cheers.]
Fry: Game over! Phil wins! Yancy's fans are stunned! There'll be no celebration at the Yancy-dome!
[Fry takes the clover out from his sweatband and looks at it.]
[Fade to: (The Present) Planet Express: Meeting Room. The staff sit at the table. Fry is nearly bald from the lightning strike and Bender whistles while he counts his winnings.]
Leela: Well, someone's in a good mode.
Bender: Let's just say I lucked-out at the track! Also, I rigged one race.
Fry: Pah! I'd have won a lot of money too if I still had my lucky seven-leaf clover. Plus I'd still have my hair.
[Enter a Hairbot, which has replacement hair for the staff growing on it.]
Hairbot: I got your page, Mr. Fry. Your new hair is ready.
[He takes the hair off his head and puts it on Fry's head. Fry shuffles it into place.]
Amy: So whatever happened to this seven-leaf clover?
Fry: I hid it in a secret hiding place whose location I never told anyone. Not even Scruffy.
[Scruffy leans against the doorframe then walks out.]
Zoidberg: So the clover is still in the hiding place, maybe?
Fry: Hey, yeah! Maybe it is still there. Underground in the ruins of Old New York, helping some ant defeat another ant or helping some piece of dirt turn its luck around.
Farnsworth: Dirt doesn't need luck.
Fry: I'm going down there to get my clover back. Some of the tunnels have metal bars so I'll need someone who's good at bending. Leela, how 'bout you?
Leela: Sure. I'll do it.
Bender: Like hell you will! Bending's my middle name.
Fry: It is?
Bender: Yep. My full name is Bender Bending Rodriguez.
[Scene: New New York City Street. Fry lifts the PJ's manhole cover in the street from the Planet Express building.]
Fry: Here's the entrance. [He steps onto the ladder in the manhole.] From this moment on, I declare my bad luck officially over.
[The ladder gives way beneath him and he plummets into the darkness then lands in a heap. Bender and Leela peer into the hole.]
Bender: He was fun.
[Scene: Ruins of Old New York. Fry, Bender and Leela walk down a deserted ruined street. Leela holds up her wrist machine.]
Leela: Well, if we get bored looking for the clover, I've got Tetris on this thing.
[They come to the edge of a cliff top and ahead of them are lots of ruined buildings.]
Fry: Look, up ahead.
Bender: Old New York: The city that inspired a casino in Las Vegas.
[Time Lapse. They continue walking down a street.]
Fry: Wow! We've got Manhattan all to ourselves! I can finally do all the crazy stuff I always dreamed of doing. [He stands on top of a newspaper box.] (shouting) Howard Stern is overrated! [He laughs and runs to a phone box and deliberately knocks the receiver off.] Uh, oops!
Bender: New York is so burned.
Fry: And remember when Mayor Giuliani cracked down on jaywalking?
Fry: Well, Rudy, how do you like this action?
[He walks across the road and a huge lizard flattens him.]
[Fade to: (The Past) New York Street. Fry, Yancy and a group of teens stand around.]
Teen #1: As you know, the big breakdance is Saturday. So if we wanna win those Jam Master J autographed parachute pants, our crew has to pop, lock and bust the freshest. Noticeably F.A.T., drop us a beat. [Noticeably F.A.T. makes beat box noises. Fry steps up.] Name?
Fry: Cosmic F.
Teen #1: Style?
Fry: Outer space.
Teen #1: Special moves?
Fry: [dancing] The moonwalk ... the robot ... the zero G.
[He steps back and Yancy steps forward.]
Teen #1: Name?
Yancy: Cosmic Y.
Teen #1: Style?
Yancy: Uh, deep space!
Fry: Deep space?
Teen #1: Special moves?
Yancy: The spacewalk...
Yancy: The robot...
Fry: The robot? That's similar to mine!
Yancy: The zero G.
Fry: What are you doing? You totally ripped off my routine.
Yancy: You callin' me a biter?
[Noticeably F.A.T. stops beating and everyone gasps.]
Fry: Why do you always have to steal everything from me, Yancy? Find your own life and live it.
Yancy: Stop illin'! Word!
Fry: Well I'd like to see you try and steal this. The septuple-head-spin.
Yancy: He's just scratching. No one's ever done more than a quadruple.
Fry: Oh, yeah? Noticeably F.A.T., rewind the tape.
[He makes rewinding noises. Fry takes the clover out of his shoe and tucks it into his headband. He does the head spin.]
Teen #1: Crazy sucker!
Teen #2: Phil, you're hot!
Noticeably F.A.T.: That was ice cold, bro!
Teen #1: Fry, if I ever see you try anything that crazy again, this crew might just have some new parachute pants!
[Everyone cheers and Fry stares at the clover again.]
Yancy: Stop hogging the clover.
[He struggles to get it from Fry. Fry pushes him away and runs. Yancy chases him.]
[Fade to: (The Present) Ruins of Old New York. Fry gets up off the road and dusts himself off.]
Fry: Alright, team, let's go find that clover!
Leela: Which way to your house? The sign says we're at 71st Street.
[Fry looks at the sign.]
Fry: 71st Street? Hmm, never heard of it. Downtown could be in any direction.
Bender: No sweat. We'll just take a spin on the B-train!
[Scene: Ruined Station. Bender attaches himself to the tracks and electricity shoots through him and he giggles.]
Bender: Ooh! That feels funny! [Fry and Leela climb onto him and he gets an intercom out of his chest cabinet and speaks into it.] This is the Brooklyn-bound B-train making local stops at wherever the hell I feel like. Watch for the closing doors.
[He makes a "bing bong" noise and sets off down the track.]
[Scene: Newkirk Avenue Station Ruins. Bender stops at the station and Fry and Leela get off. A hobo is asleep on Bender's back.]
Bender: Wake up, buddy. End of the line!
[The hobo mutters and climbs off. Fry looks around.]
Fry: Gosh! My old neighbourhood. [They walk down a deserted street and Fry points at things.] That's the bench where I found some shirts! That fire hydrant! In summer we'd light it on fire! On that corner, some guy with a bushy beard handed out a socialist newsletter!
Bender: Was it poorly Xeroxed?
Fry: You'd better believe it!
Leela: The old comedians were right, this place is a lot different from L.A.
[A mutant pokes his head up through a sewer grate.]
Mutant: Pardon me, but did I overhear you saying you used to live here?
Fry: That's right.
Mutant: Did you know Andy Goldman?
Fry: Yeah, he was my neighbour. Why?
Mutant: I mutated from him!
Fry: Get outta here! What's Andy up to these days?
[A head comes out of the mutant's chest.]
Andy: The short answer is I'm teaching.
[The mutant disappears back into the sewer.]
Leela: He seemed nice.
Fry: Sure. When he's sober!
[Scene: Outside The Ruins of The Frys' House.]
Fry: Holy camolies! The house I grew up in. It's still there!
[The house is a battered ruin.]
Bender: Man, Father Time really took a bat to this place.
[Fade to: (The Past) Outside The Frys' House. It looks exactly the same. Yancy chases Fry into the house.]
Yancy: That stupid clover is a worthless piece of garbage! Give it! Give it! Give it!
[Cut to: The Frys' Living Room. Mrs. Fry plays miniature golf.]
Fry: (shouting; from outside) Mom! Help!
[Mrs. Fry hits the golf ball and breaks the cup she was aiming for.]
Mrs. Fry: Yes!
[Fry and Yancy run in.]
Fry: Mom, Yancy's trying to steal my clover.
Mrs. Fry: (uninterested) Yancy, stealing is wrong.
[Yancy chases Fry again.]
Yancy: Come back here, you! I'm gonna pile drive you! [Fry runs into the basement and locks the door behind him.] You're dead meat!
[Cut to: The Frys' Basement. Mr. Fry reassembles a torch.]
Mr. Fry: What's happenin' up there? Did Kremlin Joe let fly with the nukes?
Fry: Not yet, commander. Yancy's just trying to steal my stuff as usual.
Mr. Fry: Well he'd better keep his hands off these bananas. Gonna need them when the radiation turns us all into monkeys.
[He lifts a crate of bananas onto the table and climbs up a ladder and out of the basement. Fry pulls a sheet off something and takes his clover out of his pocket.]
Fry: The Ronco Record Vault! Yancy'll never get his hands on you in here or my money back. [He opens the vault, flips through some records and takes one out.] Ah, The Breakfast Club soundtrack. Man, I can't wait till I'm old enough to feel ways about stuff. [He slips the clover into the record sleeve and puts it back into the vault and closes it.] Stay safe, clover. I may need you again someday.
[He runs up the stairs.]
[Fade to: (The Present) The Ruins of The Frys' Basement. Enter Fry, Leela and Bender.]
Fry: This was the storage room. My dad spent years turning it into a bomb shelter.
Leela: And yet you guys never had a single nuclear war.
Bender: What a waste.
Fry: This is it. My Ronco Record Vault. [He blows the dust off it.] I still remember the combination: Three. [He turns the dial and tries to open the door.] It's stuck!
Bender: The Achilles heel of the Ronco design is its structural resonance frequency. Allow me. [He cracks his knuckles, puts his hand on the top of the vault and starts vibrating it. The room starts to shake around them, plaster falls from the ceiling and furniture shakes. Leela looks around. Bender's head vibrates right off his body and lands on the floor. The vault door opens.] There we go!
[Fry takes out the record.]
Fry: Here it is. The Breakfast Club soundtrack.
Bender: You mean "breakfast club sandwich"?
Fry: I hid my seven-leaf clover in this very record jacket so my brother Yancy wouldn't get it. [He takes a deep breath.] Here goes. [He reaches into the sleeve.] It's gone! [He takes the record out and sticks his head into the sleeve.] The whole place has been cleaned out! Yancy stole my clover! That thief!
Leela: How do you know it didn't disintegrate?
Fry: Everything else in here held up OK.
Bender: Except Sports by Huey Lewis.
[Scene: Ruins of Prospect Park. Fry, Leela and Bender walk back up the street without the clover.]
Fry: I don't know why my brother hated me so much.
Leela: Oh, brothers always fight. I'm sure deep down he loved you. He just never got a chance to say it before you got frozen.
Fry: You think? 'Cause I always kinda wished that--
[He gasps. In front of them is a large statue.]
Bender: Who is that God-like figure?
Fry: It's my brother, Yancy! And there, in his lapel, my seven-leaf clover! I knew he stole it.
Leela: Hold the phone. If that's Yancy, why does the inscription say Philip J. Fry?
Fry: Wait a second. That's my name! Good Lord. He ditched his goofy name and stole mine!
Bender: Apparently this brave Adonis, this Cadillac of men, was the first person on Mars.
Fry: First person on Mars? I should have been the first person on Mars. He stole my clover, he stole my name and he stole my life. [He punches the statue.] And now he broke my hand!
Bender: His legend lives on.
[Scene: Planet Express: Meeting Room. The statue has been moved there.]
Farnsworth: So you opened the record vault and the clover was gone?
Bender: Yep. Nothing in there but all the best music of the 1980's in one amazing collection.
Leela: Survivor, Pat Benatar, The Scorpions. The list goes on.
Fry: That clover helped my ratfink brother steal my dream of going into space. Now I'll never get there.
Leela: You went there this morning for doughnuts.
[Hermes reads the inscription on the statue.]
Hermes: First person on Mars? Oh, so your brother was that Philip J. Fry.
Fry: I'm Philip J. Fry! He stole my name after I got frozen.
Farnsworth: Shut up, friends. My Internet browser heard us saying the word "Fry" and it found a movie about Philip J. Fry for us. [The staff gather around.] It also opened my calendar to Friday and ordered me some French fries.
[An image of Yancy appears on the screen and changes as the narrator speaks.]
Narrator: [voice-over; in movie] Philip J. Fry: Astronaut, philanthropist, entrepreneur was a great man truly worthy of narration. Fry was the first man on Mars ... [The scene changes to a man planting the American flag on Mars.] ... a feat that has never since been equalled.
Fry: That should have been me!
[In the movie, Yancy boards a small plane.]
Narrator: [voice-over; in movie] The ever-lucky Fry made his fortune after striking oil in the bathroom of the mansion he had won in a lottery.
[Yancy closes the plane door and a picture of the clover is on it.]
Fry: That's my clover! Yancy stole it!
Narrator: [voice-over; in movie] After a whirlwind fling with Icelandic supermodel Njord, Fry scored a string of top 10 hits with his rock band Leaf Seven, known for their hypnotic rhythms, driving baselines and memorable hooks.
Fry: That's what I'm known for!
Man: [in movie] Phil came in, right, strummed out this tune, yeah, and I said, "That's a number one record!"
[The scene changes to an cemetery orbiting the Earth.]
Narrator: [voice-over; in movie] Today, Fry spends most of his time in his grave in Orbiting Meadows National Cemetery, buried with the trademark seven-leaf clover that will bring him luck in the next life, perhaps some Egyptians believe.
Fry: So that's where my clover is? Hey, is that orbiting cemetery near here?
Leela: It will be in a couple hours.
Fry: Good. Leela, Bender, we're going grave robbing.
Bender: I'll get my kit.
[Fade to: (The Past) The Frys' Living Room. A woman slips a camouflage tuxedo onto Yancy.]
Yancy: Thanks for lending me your tux, Dad. It'll be perfect for my wedding.
Mr. Fry: Yancy, that tux got me through 'Nam in style. [He sighs.] I just wish your brother were still around to see this.
Mrs. Fry: I'll never forget the day Philip disappeared. Wisconsin won the Rose Bowl 17-9. Oh, I miss him.
[Mr. Fry pats her leg.]
Yancy: Oh, that reminds me: I was thinking I'd rummage through Phil's records for something to play at the wedding.
Mrs. Fry: Have a look downstairs. Your brother may be missing but his crap sure isn't.
[Scene: The Frys' Basement. Yancy sorts through a box marked "Phil's Stuff". He takes out a Whitefish pennant and puts it to one side. Then he pulls out a piece of paper with a crude drawing of a rocket and a figure standing on top of it. The figure is labelled "Phil" and at the bottom of the paper is written "By Philip Fry Aged 20". Yancy folds it up and puts it in his pocket. He tries Fry's record vault but it won't open. He gets a pot of Doh-Doh out from the box, sticks it to the vault, lights it and blows the door open. He pulls out a random record.]
Yancy: Hmm, Breakfast Club. This'll clear out the room at the end of the reception.
[He flips the record over and the clover falls out of the sleeve. He picks it up and gasps.]
[Fade to: (The Present) The Planet Express ship flies up from the Earth and lands inside Orbiting Meadows National Cemetery.]
[Scene: Orbiting Meadows National Cemetery.]
Leela: They buried your brother in the World Heroes section? I'm impressed.
Fry: I should be the one in that grave!
[They pass two guards who salute. Fry and Leela salute them and Bender whacks his head with his spade.]
Fry: Hmm. We lost Bender.
[Bender digs up a nearby grave.]
Bender: There! Now no one will be able to say I don't own John Larroquette's spine.
[Time Lapse. The crew approach Yancy's grave.]
Fry: Aha! My brother's grave!
[The monument on top of the grave is in the shape of a rocket and Yancy is chiselled onto it. Leela reads the inscription.]
Leela: (reading) Philip Fry, the original Martian.
Fry: It's all lies, every word of it! He wasn't original, he wasn't a Martian, he wasn't Philip Fry and since when is he a the?
Bender: You're twice the the he ever was.
Fry: It's clovering time!
[They start to dig. Fry hits the monument with his spade and knocks some moss off it. He reads the hidden inscription.]
[Fade to: (The Past) Yancy's House. Yancy's wife nurses a baby while Yancy stands over them.
Yancy's Wife: So, had any ideas for names, Yancy?
Yancy: Uh, I'm sorta thinking one. [She hands him the baby.] Daddy has a present for you today. Do you know what it is? [He pulls the clover out of his pocket.] It's a lucky clover that can help you be successful whatever you do -- even breakdancing -- and it once belonged to someone very special.
Yancy's Wife: I know what name you wanna give him Yancy. It's OK.
Yancy: Really? [She nods.] Son, I'm naming you Philip J. Fry in honour of my little brother, who I miss every day. I love you, Philip, and I always will.
[He looks across the room. Hanging over the baby's cot is the picture Fry drew of himself on the rocket. Yancy kisses Philip and he giggles.]
[Fade to: (The Present) Orbiting Meadows National Cemetery. Fry reads the inscription out loud.]
Fry: (reading) Here lies Philip J. Fry, named for his uncle to carry on his spirit.
[Bender forces open the coffin.]
Bender: Pay dirt! I got the clover! Plus his wedding ring. [He puts it on and flashes it around.] Sorry, ladies, I'm taken! Hey, Fry, you want me to smack the corpse up a little?
[Fry takes the clover from Bender as tears well up in his eyes.]
Leela: Uh, Bender, I think Fry needs a moment alone.
[She helps him out of the grave.]
Bender: Alright, grab a shovel. I'm only one skull short of a Mouseketeer reunion.
[He and Leela walk away. Fry puts the clover back in the grave and smiles. The episode plays out with Simple Minds' Don't You (Forget About Me).]