[Opening Credits. Caption: Krafted With Luv By Monsters.]
[Scene: The Planet Express ship flies towards Mars ("Mightiest of Planets") and lands just outside Wong Ranch. "You've Come To The Wong Place" is written on a sign.]
[Scene: The Wongs' Porch. The entire Planet Express staff are there. Leela rings the doorbell and Mr. Wong slides a peephole across the door.]
Mr. Wong: (from inside) Yes?
Amy: Hi, Dad. It's me and my co-workers.
Mrs. Wong: (from inside) Open up, Leo. It's Amy and her weirdos.
[He opens the door.]
Mrs. Wong: Howdy, friends! Welcome to Mars!
[Scene: The Wongs' Entrance Room. The staff look around the house.]
Leela: Thanks so much for inviting us, Mr. Wong. I've never been to a Mars Day barbecue.
Mr. Wong: Oh, Mars Day much better than Earth Day. Dump trash wherever you want! Big, empty planet!
Mrs. Wong: OK, then. Make yourselves at home.
[Zoidberg stands on the landing, dressed in a bathrobe. He is holding a green bottle.]
Zoidberg: Don't mind if I already did. By the way, do you have anymore of this Dom Perignon bubble bath? There was only enough to fill the tub halfway.
[Mr. and Mrs. Wong growl.]
[Scene: Wong Ranch. The Wongs and the staff pass a field where a man rolls out fully-grown corn.]
Farnsworth: This is quite a large ranch you have.
Mr. Wong: 17.9 billion acres. We own entire western hemisphere. (whispering) That the best hemisphere!
Farnsworth: It's the same on Earth.
[They all look over a fence at a herd of buggalo.]
Mr. Wong: Here is most number one product of all: The mighty buggalo. They used for everything; meat, milk and their shells make good row boat.
[He points to Zoidberg, rowing a buggalo shell on a lake.]
Zoidberg: (shouting) I broke your television.
Hermes: Mon, it must take forever to brand all those cattle.
Mr. Wong: Not really. We own so much stuff it easier just to brand everything that not ours.
[He brands Hermes' briefcase with a "Not Property Of Wongs" brand.]
Hermes: Please don't do that.
[Amy leaps over a fence to another buggalo. It is surrounded with cushy things and has a ribbon around it's neck.]
Amy: Betsy! [It licks Amy. The rest of the staff gather around.] This is my sweet, little Betsy. I raised her from a larva that ate one of my sweaters.
Mr. Wong: Yes, everybody love Betsy. We going to eat her at Amy's wedding. If she ever get married!
Amy: Dad! Gleesh! Please don't say things like that when you meet my boyfriend tonight.
Mr. Wong: Oh, that right. We finally get to spend some time with this Mr. Kif.
Mrs. Wong: I just hope he's a nice man who can make us lot of grandchildren. This not some parallel universe where you getting any younger.
[Scene: Nimbus Bridge. The Nimbus orbits Mars. Zapp and Kif talk. Near them is a photo of Amy.]
Zapp: Now remember, Kif, the quickest way to a girl's bed is through her parents. Have sex with them and you're in.
Kif: Actually, sir, I'm-I'm a little nervous about meeting her family.
Zapp: Well that's natural. After all you're meek and uninteresting. Until now you've gotten by on my left-over charisma, scrounging off it like a tiny charisma parasite.
Kif: I just hope they like me.
Zapp: And why wouldn't they? Yes, yes, I know. Tiny, meek, uninteresting. Spare me your tedious life story, Kif. And above all have fun!
[Scene: Outside The Wongs' House. Lots of people have gathered at the ranch for country music and barbecued buggalo on Mars Day. The DJ scratches some country music.]
Bender: Yeah, yeah, get on down! [He scratches again.] Oh, yeah! Drop another barnyard bomb on us, Vanilla Corn!
DJ: Yo, fool, it's Mixmaster Festus!
[Mr. Wong puts more buggalo meat on the barbecue. A Pepto-Bismol tanker pulls up next to a BBQ Sauce tanker and unloads. Fry sets his plate of buggalo down on a barrel and pumps Pepto-Bismol onto it. He picks it up and walks over to the barbecue.]
Fry: So what's Mars Day about, anyway?
Mrs. Wong: It commemorate the day centuries ago when our ancestor, Sir Reginald Wong, bought Mars from stupid natives.
Leela: How can you call the Native Martians "stupid"?
Mr. Wong: They sell whole planet for one bead. Sound stupid to me!
[He, Mrs. Wong and Fry laugh.]
Farnsworth: That is stupid!
Leela: I can't believe you're laughing at the tragic exploitation of a proud, bead-loving people.
Fry: Lighten up, Leela. It's funny!
Leela: Of course it is. But you don't have to laugh!
[Amy and Kif stand by the buffet. Amy kisses him and he is startled.]
Kif: Amy, no! Not on your parents' planet!
RJ: Howdy, Amy. Glad to see you've come back to the country. It's where the flavour is.
[Amy hugs him.]
Amy: RJ, this is my boyfriend, Kif.
RJ: This wimp? You've gone a long way, baby. [He takes out a cigarette box.] Cigarette, partner?
Kif: Oh, I don't--
[RJ puts one in Kif's mouth and he coughs.]
RJ: I haven't even lit it yet!
[He lights it.]
Kif: Oh. Is it lit now?
RJ: Yep. [Kif coughs and spits the cigarette out. RJ catches it and smokes it.] You're pathetic!
[Zoidberg walks over to the barbecue.]
Zoidberg: Host-man! Host-woman! I'm having a wonderful time!
Mr. Wong: You here five hours and already you tear up couch, draw moustache on priceless painting and fill pool with brine shrimp.
Zoidberg: [nudging Mrs. Wong] Not bad for a city boy, huh? [Mr. Wong takes a bite of caviar.] By the way, I took the liberty of fertilising your caviar.
[Mr. Wong looks at his food and chews slower. At the bar, Bender pours himself another drink, knocks it back, stacks the glass on top of 13 others, pours the last of the bottle down his neck and stacks the bottle on top of 11 others. He belches fire. Kif stammers and Amy wipes sweat from his face.]
Amy: Just relax. I'm sure my parents will love you.
Kif: You don't understand. When I get nervous, I can't control my camouflage reflex. [He turns transparent.] Oh, dear! [He paces.] Oh, goodness! Oh, odds and bodkins!
[Fry refills at the barbecue.]
Fry: I'll have a thorax and some feelers.
Mr. Wong: You want some salad with that?
[Amy and Kif arrive.]
Amy: Mom? Dad? You remember Kif?
Mr. Wong: This your boyfriend? I have instant dislike of him!
Mrs. Wong: He too scrawny to father grandchildren.
Amy: He's not scrawny, he's just small-boned.
Kif: Actually, I don't have bones. I'm supported by a system of fluid-filled bladders that--
Mr. Wong: Yes, yes! You a big squishy wuss! Amy should be dating real man. Like him!
[He points to RJ over by a campfire.]
Kif: I can be manly too. I think I'll, uh, light up a smoke.
[He takes out a cigarette and lights it.]
Amy: (whispering) Wrong way!
Kif: (wheezy) Smooth!
[He chokes, turns pale and collapses.]
[Scene: Wong Ranch. Kif and Amy lean over a fence and watch the grazing cattle.]
Amy: Look on the bright side: My parents left after you passed out so they didn't even see you barf.
Kif: Oh, now they'll never think I'm manly enough to date their daughter.
Amy: It's OK, Kif. [Kif whimpers.] I'll go get you a tissue from your tote.
[She walks off. RJ puts his hand on her shoulder and stops her.]
RJ: Hey there, Amy. Like you to meet my buddy, Joe.
[Enter Joe Camel.]
Joe: Sorry I'm late. My pool game ran long at the jazz club!
RJ: Kids love him!
[Kif watches Amy laugh and growls.]
[Cut to: Outside The Wongs' House. A loud noise that sounds like a very long "omm" comes into earshot.]
Fry: What's that weird sound?
[The noise gets louder. Wind blows down the "Happy Mars Day" banner.]
Mr. Wong: Dust storm! Oh, dust storm! Everybody into house. Hurry, before we die. And wipe your damn feet!
[Scene: The Wongs' Lounge. Everyone is inside. Mrs. Wong looks out of the window.]
Mrs. Wong: Phew! Everyone OK? No one considering lawsuit?
Farnsworth: Hmm. I might have mental anguish.
Mr. Wong: I'll have you know I'm friends with every judge on planet.
Farnsworth: I'm OK then.
Mrs. Wong: Storm dying down. Leo, check if buggalo herd is OK.
[Cut to: The Wongs' Porch. Mr. Wong opens the door and looks across at the cattle. A tornado sweeps across the ranch, taking the buggalo with it. Everyone gasps.]
Mr. Wong: Oh!
[Cut to: The Wongs' Lounge.]
Leela: What happened to the buggalo?
[Mrs. Wong comes running.]
Mr. Wong: They been rustled under cover of storm. We ruined!
[Zoidberg puts his arms around Mr. and Mrs. Wong and they struggle.]
Zoidberg: (screaming) Nooo!
[They push him away.]
Amy: Don't worry, Daddy. It'll be OK.
Mr. Wong: Oh, really? Who gonna save us? [He points at Leela.] One-eye? [He points at Zoidberg.] Lobster mooch? [He points at Bender.] Drunken garbage can?
Hermes: This sounds like a job for--
Kif: Lieutenant Kif Kroker!
Hermes: Alright then.
[He sits down and munches some crisps.]
[Time Lapse. The other guests have left.]
Mr. Wong: Aye-ah! Those buggalo are what made Wong family so rich and powerful. Oh, Inez, with them stolen, we ruined!
Mrs. Wong: OK. I want a divorce.
[Zoidberg is dressed golf clothes.]
Zoidberg: Mom! Dad! Don't ask me to choose!
Amy: They're not your parents, I'm not your sister and that's not your golf cart.
[He reverses the golf cart away.]
Amy: Everybody just calm down. Kif promised he'd catch the rustlers.
[Enter Kif in cowboy gear.]
Kif: Mrs. Wong, do you have a neckerchief I could borrow?
Kif: My plan is to take all the remaining buggalo and lead them on a rough, tough cattle drive. Then, when the rustlers attack, I'll make a citizen's arrest!
Farnsworth: It sounds dangerous. Someone could get killed. Fry, Leela, Bender, I want you to go with him.
Fry: Aw, man!
[Leela sighs. Bender mocks Farnsworth.]
Kif: Don't worry, Mr. and Mrs. Wong. I'll get your cattle back or die trying.
Mr. Wong: Hey, we can't lose!
Amy: No, Kif! It's too risky. You don't have to do this to prove your manliness.
Mrs. Wong: Oh, yes he does!
[Scene: Wong Ranch. RJ leads some creatures towards Kif.]
RJ: Here are your mounts!
[Leela rubs one of the creatures and it makes a squelching noise.]
Leela: She's got a fine coat.
Kif: Now, we need buggalo to lure the rustlers. How many are left?
Amy: You're lookin' at her. Betsy's the only one left. She was curled up in my hamper when the storm hit. [Betsy leaps onto Kif.] Aw, she likes you!
Kif: Saddle up, men. We got some no good rustlers to ... catch!
[Scene: Mars Surface. Kif, Leela and Fry ride ahead while Bender sits on a wagon playing a banjo and singing a Bonanza-like tune.]
Bender (singing): We've got a right to pick a little fight with rustlers,
Somebody wants to pick a fight with us,
He'd better bite my ass!
Leela: Wow, look at that: Olympus Mons, the tallest volcano in the solar system.
Leela: Right in front of you.
Fry: Oh. Oh!
Kif: We'll camp near the top. The rustlers will be sure to spot us there.
[Scene: Olympus Mons. The party have set up camp for the night. Bender tells a ghost story around the campfire.]
Bender: And even though the computer was off and unplugged, an image stayed on the screen. It was ... the Windows logo!
Fry: Pft, that's not scary!
Bender: It is if you're a laser printer.
Leela: OK, my turn to tell a ghost story. Once, there was this woman driving--
Fry: Hook on the hand!
Kif: OK, I've got one. This family--
Fry: Man in the attic!
Leela: Fine, Mr. Know-It-All-About-Something-Finally, you tell a story!
Fry: With pleasure. (spookily) Once, not far from here, four people set out on a cattle drive--
Bender: (speaking fast) Robot gets bored and kills Fry with a hammer! (normal) Sorry, go on.
[Time Lapse. Someone peers through the bushes.]
Fry: And then, while they sat helplessly around the campfire ... a demented knife-wielding escaped lunatic libertarian zombie mutant snuck up and--
Amy: (from bushes) Surprise!
[Fry, Bender, Kif and Leela scream. Amy comes out of the bushes.]
Kif: Amy? What are you doing here?
Amy: I forgot to give you something before you left.
[Amy kisses him and his camouflage kicks in.]
Amy: Is that your camouflage reflex or are you just happy to see me?
[Time Lapse. Amy and Kif lie at the top of the mountain, looking at the stars.]
Kif: I love it out here, Amy. I feel so manly. I have a blister, I-I spit! A-And of course, I tell no one my feelings.
Amy: But you still have them, right?
Kif: Oh, yes. But I keep them inside until I can write them in my diary.
Amy: Ah, it's a wonderful night.
Kif: It sure is. I could just lie here beside you staring at the sky all night.
Amy: I can't! [She kisses him and the ground shakes.] What's that?
Kif: Maybe we just made love.
[Amy and Kif look over the rim of the volcano and into the crater.]
Amy: The buggalo! They're in the crater.
Kif: The rustlers must have seen me coming and run off, scared.
Amy: Oh, Kif! You're so brave!
Kif: (nervous) Sh! They'll hear us!
[Time Lapse. It is daytime. Kif pulls a wire from a mineshaft on the side of the volcano.]
Kif: OK, the dynamite's in place.
Amy: Are you sure there's no other way to get the buggalo out?
Leela: Not unless your parents have thousands of helicopters at their disposal.
Amy: Well, actually--
Bender: Too late! This is more fun!
[He detonates the dynamite and the buggalo are blown out of the crater. They roll down the side of the volcano.]
Amy: Kif! You did it! But how did you know the dynamite would work?
Kif: I once took a seminar in ejecting chickens from a sand dune. The principle is essentially the same.
[The noise returns.]
Fry: Hey, it's that "barbecue's over" sound again.
[Dust flies up and the tornado blows towards them.]
Leela: (shouting) Sandstorm! [The tornado picks up the buggalo and them. They tumble around inside the tornado and then fall to the ground.] We're in the eye of the storm!
Bender: What's that?
[There is a buzzing noise. Three Martians come through the tornado, riding flying buggalo. They have blue-grey skin and the tops of their heads look like Native American headgear has been fused to their head. Amy screams.]
Fry: My God!
Leela: Who are they?
[The lead Martian, Singing Wind, raises his hand.]
Singing Wind: Fehk! We are the Native Martians.
[Everyone except Fry gasps. After a late reaction, he also gasps.]
Fry: Also, I didn't know buggalo could fly.
Singing Wind: Only those who revere Mother Mars can fly buggalo. And only they shall have buggalo. And they're us.
Kif: But your, um, Martian-ness, these buggalo aren't yours. They belong to the Wong family.
Singing Wind: You mean family that took all Martian land and gave us one lousy bead?
Amy: Uh-huh! Amy Wong. [She holds out her hand.] And you are?
Singing Wind: Mad at Wong family! We plan to ruin them by stealing buggalo. But now we take girl instead.
[Two other Martians pick up Amy and they fly away.]
Amy: Wait! I'm too rich to be kidnapped!
[The Martians fly away.]
Kif: Amy! Nooo!
Bender: Don't worry, Kif. I'm sure some other beautiful, rich girl will fall in love with you.
[Bender laughs and Kif cries.]
[Scene: Wong Ranch. The buggalo are returned and Kif closes the gate behind them.]
Mr. Wong: Hooray! You bring back cattle.
Kif: Yes ... but ... I'm afraid I've got some bad news as well.
Mrs. Wong: Let Amy tell us. That way it soften the blow. [There is silence.] Why Amy being so quiet?
Kif: Um ... well, um ... that is, um...
[A smaller tornado whips by and drops a piece of paper in front of Mr. Wong. He picks up.]
Mr. Wong: Oh, no! Martians kidnap Amy! [Inside it says "We Take Daughter. Us Want Land" and there is a picture of Amy blindfolded, holding today's newspaper.] I know it them 'cause they no use good grammar.
Kif: I'll get your daughter back, sir. I swear.
Mr. Wong: Forget it, squishy. You the one lose her in first place. You done enough.
Mrs. Wong: Yeah. This time we get most decorated law man in the whole universe!
Kif: You mean-- Oh, no, please. I beg you! Oh, for the love of--
[Scene: The Wongs' Lounge. The law man has arrived.]
Zapp: I am the man with no name. Zapp Brannigan, at your service!
Mrs. Wong: Please, Mr. Brannigan, we need you go get our daughter back.
Zapp: Very well. I'll clean up Kif's mess. I shall go bargain with the Martian's personally. [The Wongs gasp.] Your gasps intrigue me. Explain.
Mr. Wong: Martians have no land. They been gently encouraged to live on reservation deep underground. No one ever dare go there.
Farnsworth: This mission is incredibly dangerous. Someone's sure to be killed. Fry, Leela, Bender--
Bender: Damn you, old man!
[Scene: Mars Surface. Zapp, Kif, Leela, Fry and Bender trek across the desert again. Betsy catches up with them and rubs against Kif.]
Leela: Aw, look. Betsy followed you, Kif!
Zapp: I didn't realise you were bringing your girlfriend, lieutenant!
[He sniggers and Kif sighs.]
Kif: She won't leave me alone.
Zapp: Did I say "girlfriend"? She sounds more like a wife!
[There is silence. A tumbleweed blows by.]
[Time Lapse. They reach a cliff and look over the edge.]
Zapp: Behold: The Great Stone Face of Mars.
Zapp: The only known entrance to the Martian reservation.
Leela: What about the Great Stone Ass of Mars?
Zapp: Well, yeah, but it's way over the other side of the planet.
[Time Lapse. They prepare to walk through one of the nostrils.]
Zapp: Nose-ward, ho!
[Cut to: Martian Reservation. The nose begins to get darker. They mumble. They are surrounded by torches. They gasp. It gets lighter and they see they are surrounded by Martians with bows and laser-arrows. Singing Wind walks in.]
Singing Wind: Fehk! I am Singing Wind, chief of the Martian tribe.
Zapp: Take me to your leader.
[The Martians stare blankly at him.]
Singing Wind: Moving along. Why you trespass on our land?
Zapp: We come to negotiate the release of Amy Wong. And just to clarify: Land is the stuff that has sky over it.
[He drinks from a Slurm can and throws it down. A Martian cries à la the Native American in those American public service advertisements.]
Leela: They have such respect for the planet.
Martian #1: Cynthia used to drink Slurm.
[Singing Wind claps and Martians come in holding Amy.]
Singing Wind: We will give back girl when we get back planet surface.
Zapp: How do we even know she's alive?
Amy: I'm fine.
Zapp: Sh! You're weakening our bargaining position. How about instead you give us the girl and we carve a bunch of our presidents into your sacred mountain?
Singing Wind: You waste words. We want return of land that was taken from us.
Bender: Uh, actually you traded it for a bead.
Singing Wind: Tribe suffer heap big buyer's remorse. We want land back!
Zapp: Chief, my people are a people of law. And that law is ... [He pulls out a gun.] ... no backsies!
Singing Wind: The time for stupid statements is over!
[He and the other Martians make the "omm" noise. The dust picks up.]
Zapp: Oh, boy!
[Cut to: Mars Surface. The mouth of the Great Stone Face's opens and the tornado blows the sand away, revealing a Great Stone Body.]
[Cut to: Martian Reservation. Dust blows in Leela's face.]
Leela: Ow, ow, ow, ow! My eye!
[She puts in some eye drops.]
[Scene: Mars University Campus. The tornado blows down the "Knowledge Brings Fear" sign and strips away the Martian statue to a skeleton.]
[Scene: Outside The Wongs' House. Zoidberg looks out the window.]
Zoidberg: (from inside) Ma! Pa! Our precious ranch!
[Mrs. Wong beats Zoidberg over the head with a trophy head.]
[Scene: Martian Reservation. Singing Wind gives a signal and the tornado sucks up Amy.]
Kif: Amy, no! It's too windy! [Betsy nudges him and Kif smiles. Amy screams as the tornado lifts her higher.] Stay calm, dearest! I'll save you!
[He flies Betsy into the tornado.]
Amy: Kif! [She gasps.] You're flying Betsy!
Kif: Need a lift?
[Amy grabs hold of his face and stretches it.]
Singing Wind: Great Mother Mars! He has the gift!
[He gives a signal and the Martians stop making the noise and the tornado dies away. Kif lands Betsy. Zapp, Leela, Fry and Bender cheer.]
Leela: Yay, Kif!
Zapp: Kroker, that was one Brannigan-esque feat of heroism!
Singing Wind: We have misjudged you, green one. You fly the buggalo like us. You have true reverence for Mother Mars. Let there be peace between us.
Martian #2: Yes. Let us smoke-em peace pipe.
[Scene: Martian Tent. Singing Wind smokes the pipe and passes it to Kif.]
Singing Wind: Here, take.
Kif: Ooh, no thanks. I'm on the peace patch.
Singing Wind: You must smoke peace pipe, and you must do it peacefully. Or we'll kill you.
Kif: Well, it's just really that I don't feel that--
Zapp: Don't be such a chicken, Kif. Teenagers all smoke and they seem pretty on-the-ball.
[Kif takes a puff and everyone cheers.]
Zapp: Yes, sir!
Bender: Way to suck it!
Kif: Hey, I'm smoking! I'm the greatest! [He takes another puff. Singing Wind pats him on the back. Kif coughs and splutters and the Martians gasp.] Oh, monkey trumpets!
[Scene: Martian Torture Chamber. Kif is held down on a rack with rope.]
Singing Wind: You have coughed at our offer of peace. So you must die!
Martian #3: The very bead used to crush our dreams shall be used to crush your bones.
Kif: Well, actually, I don't have bones. I'm supported by a system of fluid-filled bladders
[The Martians ignore him and turn away. The roof opens and Kif screams. The bead is lowered in and he whimpers.]
Fry: Wait. That's the bead you traded your land for?
Leela: It's a gigantic diamond! That thing must be worth a fortune.
Singing Wind: Really?
[The diamond stops and Kif sighs. Bender takes a look at the diamond through an eye glass and stutters.]
Bender: Oh, Chief, you've made me the happiest girl in the world!
[He hugs Singing Wind and he immediately pushes him away.]
Amy: Y'know, if you still want your land, we could just trade back for it.
Singing Wind: Hmm. We always thought bead was worthless. We assumed our ancestors were cheated because they not have concept of ownership.
Bender: So we can have the diamond?
Singing Wind: No. We do have concept of ownership. You are free to go. Sorry about all the rustling and kidnapping.
Leela: But what about your sacred land?
Singing Wind: Land shmand! We don't wanna live on this planet. It's a dump. We'll buy new planet and act like it's sacred. With cash like this, who's going to argue? Nobody, that's who!
[Scene: The Martian ships fly away from Mars with the diamond in tow.]
[Scene: The Wongs' Lounge. Everyone is back.]
Amy: Then Kif flew Betsy, rescued me from the tornado and made peace with the Martians.
Mr. Wong: Please! He too much of a wimp.
Mrs. Wong: Yeah. I'm sure it was all Mr. Zapp Brannigan here.
Zapp: Please, you give me too little credit.
Zoidberg: Captain Brannigan, you're always welcome here at Rancho Zoidberg!
[Cut to: The Wongs' Porch. Zoidberg is thrown out. He hits his head on a post and scoffs.]
Zoidberg: Money doesn't make good people, no, siree!
[Time Lapse. At night, Amy comes out onto the porch. Kif sits on the porch swing.]
Amy: Thanks for saving my life, Kif. You're my hero.
Kif: Oh, you're kind. But your parents still don't like me.
Amy: Well globviously! But if they liked you then I wouldn't. Don't you know anything about girls?
[They kiss. The buggalo run past and the ground shakes. Amy gets up and goes back inside. Kif gets out his diary.]
Kif: [writing] Dear diary, I just made love for the second time!
[He closes his diary and hugs it.]
J. Stewart Burns